Chapter Text
Confetti tinted the agency’s office that for once wasn’t surrounded by tension and stress. Outside the door there was a festoon with crooked kanjis that said: “Happy agency’s rehab”; tables were full of pizza, sushi and every other kind of garbage food that they decided to eat that evening. They tried to lure Fukuzawa into it, but the president refused, saying that he had business to take care of: no one asked what it was, but it was obvious that the only work he had to do was buying dried sardines to feed cats in the sixth district.
Not that they had the courage to tell him, he was very secretive about it.
Everyone was chatting happily, Atsushi even volunteered to cook a cake or two and in fact, he was still with his gloves holding his last creation, showing it proudly to both Kyoka and Tanizaki.
Sigma was sitting on the couch between Ranpo and Kenji. He held a bunch of cookies between his hands as he listened to the other two talking about random things: they switched from gardening to sweets and every time a brand of cookies was mentioned, Ranpo patted the newbie on the shoulder laughing aloud: “I will make you try them, Sigma-kun!” It was difficult to imagine how they were holding a conversation, yet it seemed possible for those three.
Sat at the buffet table, with his head on the palm of his hand, Kunikida observed the light-hearted atmosphere with a fond expression. It wasn’t often they got quiet days like this, especially after the whole terrorism fiasco. Nightmares haunted him, sometimes he woke up in the night, drenched in sweat and with flashes of his hands missing and his chest drenched in his own blood. He was sure the others felt the same way. Risking to lose their job, their home, their life, placed an amount of stress on their shoulders that was the heaviest since the agency was founded.
Even the president opened up a bit and admitted he seriously considered they were done, the memory made Kunikida shiver. Knowing that even the president thought this time they couldn’t make it, shot a pang of anxiety in his chest. He frowned and turned his head to the side, to dismiss his thoughts: He shouldn’t think about sad things or what happened, the most important thing now was that they were all safe, they were all alive.
That’s why when the youngsters and Ranpo suggested throwing a party to celebrate the agency’s rehab of their reputation, Kunikida didn’t have the heart to say no. Instead, he was delighted at the idea of throwing a party in honor of the agency; it gave him a sense of normalcy that was missing during the last weeks.
-C’mon, drink a little more, Kunikida. We have to party.
Kunikida answered with a groan as Yosano filled his glass again. He swallowed the cheap wine she bought with the agency’s budget again and his vision blurred: he was slowly losing consciousness. Next to him, there were two empty bottles of wine and one of sake. With his head slowly falling off his hand, he wondered how much his head was going to hurt in the morning.
Yosano had that terrible habit of getting drunk during parties, and while Kunikida didn’t judge anyone who enjoyed drinking, he had a problem with Yosano. She didn’t like to drink alone and always asked someone to drink with her, and most of the time, the “someone” was Kunikida. Maybe because he wanted him to shut up, who knows.
He told her one hundred times that he was a lightweight, and she ignored him all one hundred times.
That evening the story repeated itself. He was scolding Dazai for taking the agency’s couch all for himself to sleep, and they had been going on for fifteen minutes like that, with Kunikida that yelled “you can’t sleep in the middle of the party” and Dazai that whined back with his head on the arm of the couch. “But Kunikida-kun, I’m tired!”. He was about to throw him in front of the door when Yosano grabbed him by the sleeve of his shirt and dragged him to the table where water, wine and soda laid there still untouched.
So, even if with reluctance he decided that he could allow himself to drink, after all, he wasn’t working. He just hoped Dazai wouldn’t try to sleep on the couch, with all that noise he was just going to get a headache.
He let Yosano pour the wine in his glass. A drink or two weren’t going to hurt.
Yes, a drink or two his ass.
About one hour later here he was, with his cheeks burning against his hands, eyes unfocused with all his glasses on and ears muffled because of how drunk he was. Yosano swayed from right to left with the bottle of wine between her hands.
-She really has a huge nose, all pink; and look at her black spots, I’d like to get them off her.
Yosano was rambling about how badly she wanted to vivisect Kenji’s pet cow that was now in the middle of the office. Kunikida considered Yosano may be even more drunk than him since she thought she was a vet instead of a doctor. Doctors didn’t vivisect cows, that was a vet’s job, right? Uh, he couldn’t focus on his thoughts.
He blinked slowly, with his mouth agape as he swallowed another glass in only one go. His head spun a moment after and it slipped from his hand, falling with his forehead on the table.
That one was going to leave a mark.
Alright, that was enough for that evening. He should really stop before fainting: he knew the others wouldn’t have resisted the urge to draw on his face and he really didn’t want to spend the night in an attempt to clean his face from moustaches and dots drawn with black marker.
He forced his head to rise from the table even if it felt heavy. The lights of the office came into view again as he searched the bottle of water on the table.
Every part of his body felt sluggish, the vertebrae of his back popped one after another and he realized he spent too much time sitting in the same position.
Yosano was about to fill his glass again but he stopped her, tearing his glass away and placing it at his left so she couldn’t pour wine in it anymore. Yosano shrugged and started drinking from the bottle as if nothing happened.
Kunikida was surprised he still had the strength in himself to frown. Well, as long as she didn’t get him more drunk than how he already was, she could do what she wanted.
His hands grabbed the carafe of water on the table only to discover that it was empty. He glanced over from left to right to see who could have drunk it, when his poor eyesight distinguished Kenji pouring what remained of the other bottle in the cow’s bowl.
Kunikida scowled but decided to say nothing: if he were to talk, he was sure that the only sounds he’d produce would be a string of incomprehensible words.
He tried to think about a solution with the little of lucidity that remained in himself: they always had spare bottles. It happened that Ranpo needed it after eating too many candies or that clients cried during interviews, so water was something that along with coffee, never lacked. Ah, right now he remembered. All the other bottles were in the kitchen. That meant he had to get up.
Well, it couldn’t be helped, his thoughts dripped with resignation.
With his legs feeling like jelly, he staggered with the floor that curved under his shoes until he reached the entrance of the kitchen: the sight of the mess already gave him a headache.
Atsushi left the whole stove covered in cake dough and the oven open. Flour covered the floor and some footprints carried it around the room. He clicked his tongue: that kid was so happy to show the others the cakes he made that he left a disaster in the kitchen. There were still the bowls piled in the sink.
On normal days, he would have already rolled his sleeves up and cleaned everything in seven minutes and thirty seconds (he’d spare the last thirty seconds to go and grab Atsushi to scold him), but right now he didn’t have the heart and the mind to go and reprimand him. He would have written that in his notebook and scolded him on Monday when they were really getting back to work.
When he would have found his notebook again, when he was capable of writing again. But he was going to do it.
He looked back at the main room where Ranpo was trying to beat Kyoka at a contest where they had to swallow as many sour candies as possible. Everyone was cheering and clapping their hands. It brought a smile to his lips.
Well, maybe since it was an evening party, he could close an eye today. After all, Atsushi always worked hard.
Staggering on his feet he left the corridor and entered the kitchen, catching his reflection in the mirror of the oven: his eyes were glistening and his cheeks were cherry red. Damn, it was all Yosano’s fault, she never knew when to stop.
He walked till the small fridge with the pavement sinking again under his feet: he grabbed a bottle of water and closed it when he heard the choir of voices cheering for Kyoka and Ranpo. It made him smile again.
-Kunikida-kun is smiling, should I be worried?
His heartbeat picked up.
That voice, so carefree, so sudden, so familiar , made him flinch. He turned just to spot Dazai leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed and a knowing smile stretching his lips. The sight of his partner let comfort hit him like a wave of warmth.
He huffed and leaned with his back on the aisle as he opened the bottle of water.
-I smile on a daily basis, - he bit back with words merging together. – It’s just that you never see me because you always get on my nerves.
Dazai huffed in an exaggerated manner and walked till reaching the fridge. He leaned on the handle for a moment before opening it and grabbing a small bottle too. He sighed and swallowed all the water in one go. Then, he leaned over the table, or better, fell on it, placing his forearms and elbows on the surface. Kunikida followed his movements with his eyes: he didn’t need to be sober to understand that Dazai was as drunk as he was.
-We’re partying tonight, can you store the grumpy version of yourself for when we will be working again?
-Okay, okay. You’re right. – He replied with his eyes still traveling on his figure. -Done sleeping?
He asked with his voice barely louder than a whisper.
Dazai frowned, resembling the expression of a pouting child and another wave of warmth hit Kunikida.
-I tried, but there’s too much noise.
-I imagined it.
A comfortable silence fell between them. Kunikida peeked at his partner with a fond look: they had been apart for weeks, he barely had any news about where he was, if he was alive, if he was able to escape. When he heard his voice again, he wanted to put his hands around his neck and choke him so hard to be sure that Dazai was right in front of him and he wasn’t hallucinating for the fourth time since that mess began. But he wasn’t going to tell him.
Despite getting annoyed most of the time with how disorganized and messy Dazai was, as days went by Kunikida started to find everything a bit monotonous without him disrupting his plans.
He looked at him, his head spinning to the point that he thought he could see Dazai’s fluffy locks fluctuate like small snakes. But even so, he could clearly see his side profile, the little smile pulling his lips up and his eyes glistening under the warm lights of the kitchen. He was staring at the wall in front of him, lost in thought, or maybe he was just listening to the others cheering in the other room, Kunikida couldn’t tell; for once, his eyes didn’t hold any glint of mischievousness and he didn’t look like he was plotting something against him. He just looked calm, Kunikida swore he saw that expression twice in all his time knowing him.
-It’s over.
Dazai said all of a sudden, with his eyes still lost in front of him. It was as if he was saying that to himself instead of Kunikida, to comfort himself, to tell him that maybe this time they were going to have a moment of peace.
His mouth moved on its own, his eyes stayed on Dazai’s profile. He didn’t know why he said what he said, but Dazai looked so small next to him and not because he was crouched on the table.
He just wanted to answer him and not let the conversation die now.
-It is. I thought that this time everyone was going to die for real.
-You always worry too much.
Dazai elbowed Kunikida with his bandaged arm. It lasted just for a second but his touch made his skin tingle. He was warm, almost warm like the feeling spreading in his chest.
-I knew my partner would handle things the right way while I wasn’t here.
Kunikida huffed and placed the bottle on the table to cross his arms. The word “partner” pronounced with such fondness turned his cheeks warm.
-Oh, shut up. Don’t act like you always know everything.
He answered, elbowing him back. Dazai’s red on his cheek seemed to darken but probably it was just the light. He looked around, with his eyes drowsy and unfocused but definitely catching the important details of the room.
-I missed this place. When I saw it again, I felt my heart skipping a beat. I was starting to lose hope if I have to be honest.
Probably it was the alcohol flooding in his veins because if he were sober, he was sure he wasn’t going to open up with someone about that. He knew that it was normal to feel like that when you risked losing everything you had, but saying it aloud somehow embarrassed him.
On the other hand, it has been so long since he had someone to talk to, and it wasn’t like Dazai was a complete stranger, instead, of all those two years working together, he was sure they had never been as close as in that quiet moment. It's been a while since they’d been alone, just the two of them.
-I missed it too.
Dazai’s answer came in a quiet tone, the one he used when he really meant something. Kunikida felt the vibrations of his voice reverb in his own chest: he turned to look at him and he found Dazai’s eyes on him already. For some reason, his stomach sank.
They looked at each other without saying anything, just observing their faces as if the last time they saw each other was years ago, and effectively, it felt like that. Too many things happened and Kunikida felt as if he had lost track of the time.
As for Dazai, the sight of his grumpy partner with a slight smile on his face made his heartbeat quicken against his will. Since he entered the room, his heart kept beating so loud that if he’d been with his chest bare, his partner could have seen it go up and down. Kunikida smiling was a rare sight, but that was what made it so important and beautiful: it meant that he was happy about something for real, that it came from the depths of his heart. It was honest like everything he did because at the end of the day, that was what Kunikida was, a simple but honest man.
Kunikida was torn away from that peaceful atmosphere when applause exploded from the main room cheering Ranpo’s name. It looked like there was no match when it came to candies.
-Pfft, looks like they have a winner.
Dazai’s small laugh brought Kunikida’s attention back to him. He was staring at a blank point in the room with a little smile pulling his lips: his elbows and arms were still folded on the aisle. Kunikida's heart twirled at the sight.
He tucked one of Dazai’s locks behind his ear, making the other turn to look at him. As soon as their eyes met, they both looked away. Dazai’s gaze wandered around the room while Kunikida looked down at the tip of his shoes, but it lasted nothing, because they found themselves peeking at each other with a timid smile all over again.
Maybe it was the fact that they were both drunk or the fact that under the light of the kitchen Dazai looked so vulnerable, or even the fact that everything he said that evening was full of a fondness Kunikida never heard, but in that moment all he felt was the huge wanting for something, and the next thing he knew was that he was crouching to Dazai’s height to meet his lips.
It was a quick peck; their lips almost didn’t touch but it was all Dazai needed to cup Kunikida’s cheek and drag him close to him again.
A gasp escaped Kunikida when he pressed his lips on Dazai’s. His head spun, the feeling of their lips brushing against each other caused warmth to pool inside his stomach.
He grabbed Dazai by his waist and closed the distance between them, earning a sigh from the other.
Dazai’s mouth was sweet, probably because of the wine Yosano was selling to everyone who was legal in that office but Kunikida didn’t mind. After all, his lips must have been sweet too since he drank a lot too. For a second, the back of his mind screamed to him to get a grip, but he ignored it and grabbed Dazai’s head closer to kiss him for the third time.
His head was fuzzy and a lot of thoughts were merging together, he couldn’t distinguish them since they were all fragments, the only thing Kunikida knew was that he wanted to keep kissing him again and again. Dazai’s thumbs rubbed circles in his waist, making Kunikida sigh.
It was messy, it was all a blur and probably tomorrow he wasn’t going to remember a thing about it, but at the moment Dazai’s skin was soft under his hands and he found himself thinking that he should have kissed him way before that evening.
They both parted, panting with their foreheads pressed together. They looked at each other, Kunikida’s head ran in circles, trying to find something to say but then he just smiled. He smiled so widely that the corner of his eyes wrinkled, bringing Dazai to smile too; a beautiful, genuine and honest smile.
But all good things come to an end.
The sound of a whistle broke their bubble and Kunikida widened his eyes. His heartbeat quickened but this time wasn’t because of Dazai.
He turned his head and noticed that Ranpo and Atsushi were there. Atsushi with the baking tray empty between his hands and Ranpo clapping his hands slowly in their direction: he was staring at them with both his eyebrows raised and his lips pursed. Kunikida swore he could see Ranpo’s thoughts run through his head.
His blood ran cold.
Atsushi kept looking at them with his eyes widened and his mouth gasping for air. The boy was choking as he tried to articulate his thoughts.
-I-uh, Kunikida-san and Dazai-san you…
Ranpo interrupted him with an amused laugh.
-Ah, I see. That’s how things are. – He patted Atsushi’s shoulder. – Well, I’ll go back to the others.
And with that, he sauntered towards the office room, screaming something about Kunikida and Dazai kissing. Atsushi hesitated, looking both at his superiors; then, he looked like he made a decision and threw the baking tray on the aisle before following Ranpo in an attempt to stop him.
In that moment it was as if the alcohol left Kunikida’s body and he sobered up in one second. He let go of Dazai immediately, the thoughts of warmth and kisses forgotten and he ran after Ranpo to the other room as he blabbered excuses about why it happened.
Dazai stood there in the kitchen, blinking in confusion. The room suddenly felt too big for him alone.
Kunikida sighed and stopped typing his report. He took a sip of his coffee and placed the cup next to his laptop. His temples were throbbing to the point he could barely distinguish the words on the monitor; if he were just a little lazier, he was sure he was going to call in sick. Not one of his best Mondays for sure.
Not to mention that his colleagues were shooting suspicious glances at him since he entered the office that morning. Alright, let’s be clear: they always observed everyone, they were a damned detective agency but he couldn’t say that it applied to colleagues too. During the mornings they were all too drowsy or tired to care about who they had around. Ranpo even used to sleep on his desk, yet, today he was observing him with a deep glare that was similar to the one he had on crime scenes.
“Kunikida, I didn’t know your ideal woman was a man.
That was the only thing Ranpo told him when he arrived at the office that morning. He shot him a confused look, and Ranpo opened his eyes just enough to show his green eyes glimmering with interest.
What was all of that about?
Ranpo just stared at him motionless for a moment, before nodding to himself.
-Oh, I understand. Is that so? – He murmured with an astonished expression before leaning back on the office’s chair. – Well, nevermind. Forget what I said.
He looked him up and down, Ranpo’s words lingered in his head for an instant but the sharp pain throbbing at his temples held him back from arguing. In the end, he just shrugged and went to sit on his chair and started working.”
Just when his headache seemed to lessen, Tanizaki arrived with a pile of new paperwork about recent cases.
-Kunikida-san, where do I put these? – He asked without looking at him. – Uh, but if you’re busy I can come back later—
-Over here, thanks.
He hissed in a murmur: his temples were throbbing so much as soon as he tried to think. He watched Tanizaki dump the reports on his desk before staring at him. Kunikida observed him back with a slight frown. Did he have something to say?
But as seconds passed Tanizaki said nothing, he came to the conclusion that Tanizaki was acting weird as well. He was about to tell him if something was wrong but the boy excused himself with a bow and walked away.
Kunikida followed him with his eyes. Alright, something was seriously wrong. He stood there in silence, not really knowing what to do for the first time in his life. An uncomfortable feeling set in his chest as he felt the eyes of someone on him; he looked around but everyone seemed busy: Ranpo was sleeping, Kenji was away for a case, Yosano in her office, Tanizaki was back to his desk filing reports so the only one could be someone in front of him. He looked in Atsushi’s direction and in fact, there he was, the boy was peeking at him. However, as soon as they’re eyes met, Atsushi flinched and looked away.
Kunikida lifted an eyebrow when Atsushi started typing faster just because he was staring at him. Honestly, what he was about to do was embarrassing: he wasn’t used to asking for help from someone younger than him but at that moment he thought he could make an exception.
He clicked his tongue and shook his head in resignation before looking at Atsushi again.
-Hey brat.
Atsushi stiffened and abruptly stopped the erratic typing on his laptop. Like a cat caught ripping curtains, he turned his head to meet Kunikida’s eyes with a guilty look.
-K-Kunikida-san?
-Why is everyone acting weird? – Atsushi lifted an eyebrow and Kunikida tried to keep his cool just because throwing a tantrum for something so insignificant was unprofessional. – Everyone is staring at me, you were doing the same just a second ago. Why is that? What happened?
His voice resembled the one he used during interrogations, and Atsushi seemed to notice that because his hesitation didn’t last long before he forced an answer out of his mouth.
-It’s because you and Dazai-san—
-Good morning, everyone.
Just then, Dazai opened the office door two hours late for his shift.
The same eyes that were staring at him travelled on Dazai and then on him again. With the corner of his eyes, Kunikida noticed Atsushi resumed his work while peeking at both of them subtly and it clicked.
Oh. So the problem was with both of them, whatever happened was probably something that had to do with them, together , which considering the list of weird things Dazai made him do, it wasn’t a novelty. What was new was their colleagues staring at them curiously.
But when was the last time they were together and could have done something? They reunited with the rest of the agency only recently after the whole terrorism mess, and despite sharing the same room, they didn’t have the occasion to talk since the huge amount of backlog they had.
The only moment that something could have barely happened was at the party yesterday evening, but he couldn’t recall anything out of the norm, so why was half of the agency looking at them?
Dazai flopped on his seat and only in that moment Kunikida realized his eyes followed him during all the path from the door to his desk. They exchanged glances: Dazai narrowed his eyes and Kunikida felt as if his partner was scanning all his thoughts, even the ones he didn’t know he had. After all, he surely noticed that something was wrong with him. Then, as if his seriousness was just a windblow, he resumed his mirthful expression and opened his laptop without saying anything.
Kunikida stood there with an unpleasant feeling pooling in his chest: just what was that?
He hesitated and considered insisting, but in the end he resumed his work as well. If Dazai didn’t want to talk about it now, then maybe it wasn’t the moment. He just hoped that his presentiment was right.
After all, they just reopened and they were full of work to do. His colleagues couldn’t keep staring at him all day.
Right, if he ignored the others, they were going to stop.
They were going to stop his ass.
For all morning he could feel the eyes of the others burning his skin. He tried to distract himself with reports, but to no avail since every time he got up to grab a document Ranpo’s eyes followed him, or when he yelled at Dazai to do his work the other’s ears perked up to hear what they were saying to each other.
In fact, the interest was focused mostly on him and Dazai.
Each time he and Dazai looked at each other, exchanged a word or simply discussed the details of a mission, the corners of the eyes of everyone were focused on them. Just what did happen? Why was everyone staring at them? Sure they bickered but it was never subject to the interest of the others.
Could it be that Dazai wasn’t feeling well? He peeked at him from his laptop: he seemed fine.
Kunikida mentally checked all the possible reasons his partner couldn’t be well that morning: well, he came to work two hours late, but he came. It meant that he had enough strength to get up and go through the workday. He had witnessed worse. Then, he didn’t look like he had eyebags under his eyes, so he slept. Did he eat? He made a mental note to ask him later. Was he sick? No, his nose wasn’t red and he didn’t sneeze or cough, his hair was unkempt as usual and the bandages were as white as a cloud so he changed them recently.
To be brief, for Dazai’s standards, he looked decent. Kunikida didn’t sense anything worrisome about him. Instead, he looked quiet today, quieter than usual. His lips hinted at a smile and his eyebrows were relaxed. He wore the kind of look that someone had when they were experiencing the ease given from recalling a comforting memory.
His eyes stood on Dazai longer than he meant, then, he shook his head and returned to his work. He had no reason to overthink that. Maybe it was really just in his head.
This atmosphere made of tension and doubts went on until the first hours of the afternoon where most of their colleagues were out on a break or immersed in activities that had little to do with work at all. But Kunikida was too absorbed in his thoughts to scold them. His head was full of background thoughts that made his head buzz annoyingly: he had the impression that he worked on autopilot for all the morning.
However, things took an interesting turn when he already completed half of his daily work and caught a glimpse of Dazai and Atsushi’s conversation.
Dazai kept insisting he wanted to teach Atsushi about his “seducing skills” to woo women, a thing that probably mattered less than zero to the boy.
-Tigers reach sexual maturity at the age of five. You’re eighteen, Atsushi-kun, where is your tiger lady , mh?
Atsushi sighed in annoyance.
-Dazai-san, - Despite his cheeks tinted in red, his narrowed eyes showed all his suspicion. – I don’t think my tiger has anything to do with that.
-Uh? Obviously it does. – Dazai lamented while leaning over the seat. – If your smell and sight are stronger than an average human being, your maturity probably came faster than other humans too.
That was enough.
Kunikida threw him a highlighter to make him shut up and hit Dazai right on the forehead. His fluffy hair jumped like a wig.
-Ouch. That hurt, you know?
Dazai started massaging the sore spot with his hand.
-Leave the boy alone, freak. Keep those indecent topics outside of the office.
-You’re mean, Kunikida-kun.
-To be honest, Dazai-san, - Atsushi started with a timid voice. Both Dazai and Kunikida turned their heads to look at him. – I’m not sure if your uh, seducing skills work on women. I mean, the waitress at the café is still turning you down after months.
Dazai groaned. He was about to add that the waitress was an exception but Atsushi wasn’t done talking yet and with a gentle smile he added:
-But with Kunikida-san is different, isn’t it?
It was almost imperceptible, but Dazai’s hand twitched on the desk, confirming all Kunikida’s doubts: there was something going on. He couldn’t stand that mystery any longer, damn he was a detective he solved the issues of other people, why couldn’t he do that with his own problems too?
He adjusted his glasses.
-Dazai.
As if he saw it coming, Dazai turned his head before Kunikida finished talking.
-Mind a word? – He pointed at the door with his head. He saw Dazai following it with his eyes. – I have a few things to ask you.
Dazai took his time to observe him. Again, there was the same serious expression he made a few hours before. He looked as if he wanted to dig into his soul and touch it.
But just like before, that expression went away moments after and Dazai sighed in an exaggerated manner.
-Well, lead the way, Kunikida-kun.
They both got up under Atsushi’s surprised stare and left the office. Kunikida was sure he had never walked towards the entrance that fast, the nervousness pulled at his legs and made him walk faster than usual. Dazai on the other hand, looked as relaxed as he usually was, with his hands in the pockets of the trench coat and his half lidded eyes. But it was all pretend, because he was gripping the inside of his pockets so hard that he felt his nails digging into the fabric and leaving marks on it.
Kunikida closed the door behind him and looked at Dazai who was in front of him with both his eyebrows raised. He checked both right and left to be sure they were alone, and then crossed his arms.
-Alright, why is everyone staring at us?
-At us?
-Tch, don’t give me that. – Kunikida frowned, -I know that you noticed everyone staring at us. Even Atsushi hinted about something between you and me, but I can’t wrap my head around it.
Something he said? Something Dazai might have said? He didn’t know.
He waited for an answer but as minutes passed, he was met only with silence. Weird, considering that it was Dazai, the one he was talking to, the one who always had an answer ready for everything. He lifted his head to check if the other was still listening when he noticed Dazai looking at him emotionless with his eyes slightly widened: it was as if a sudden realization hit him, a kind of realization that he didn’t like at all.
Dazai leaned back on the wall with his hands in his trench coat. He rested his head on the green tiles and let out a sonorous sigh.
…Alright, Kunikida wasn’t expecting that reaction; he thought Dazai would laugh at him, maybe give him a pat on the shoulder, say “you worry too much” or every other stupid thing he used to say to lighten up the mood when nothing serious was going on.
But the fact that he didn't do that implied that there was a reason why they were given all those weird looks. The cold wind in the building cooled the atmosphere and he found himself shivering from anxiety and cold.
-Kunikida-kun, you don’t remember?
The flat tone of voice left him even more confused. A shot of nervousness ran down his back making him tense.
What did he have to remember?
-What?
-C’mon. Yesterday evening, during the party.
Dazai suggested, with his head turned on the opposite side.
Kunikida frowned and took a moment to think but a large part of the party was blurred. He recalled Yosano filling his glass with wine ten times at least, Kenji giving all the water to his pet cow, Atsushi baking the cakes and leaving a mess in the kitchen.
Nothing out of the norms for their standards. He licked his lips and looked at Dazai again, his eyes wandered on his figure in confusion.
Dazai let out a sigh, emptying his lungs.
-You were in the kitchen, with a bottle of water between your hands. I was there with you, we were alone.
Kunikida tried to dig into his memory and yes, he recalled he drunk water, Dazai arrived all of a sudden, they talked about something, there were the dim lights, Dazai smiled, he moved a lock of hair behind his ear and then—
He widened his eyes and looked at Dazai again. He was wearing a small smile as he studied his reaction with the corner of his eyes.
-Looks like you remember now.
Kunikida froze on the spot. He felt his head spin once, twice, then the veins on his neck started to pulse and his heartbeat became the only audible thing in his ears. It was the same feeling he experienced when he got hit with a grenade.
He leaned against the wall behind him and covered his face with his hands.
-We kissed. – He just murmured: his cheeks warmed at the thought. – We kissed. We were drunk and I- you- us, I mean—
He looked at Dazai with his eyes widened: he wanted to smash his head on the ground and lose consciousness but it wouldn’t have changed the fact that it happened.
Dazai was observing him getting riled up by the news with an amused smile on his lips. That bastard.
-W-Why didn’t you say it sooner!
-Because I didn’t want you to panic! I thought you knew!
-Oh fuck, - Kunikida sighed and shook his head. That was why he stared at him that morning. – Weren’t you drunk too? Why do you remember it?
Dazai chuckled. His carefreeness was getting on Kunikida’s nerves.
-I got drunk too many times to have my memory wiped from a few glasses of wine. I’m no lightweight.
Kunikida returned with his back on the wall. He needed a moment to think, otherwise he was going to scream so loud that their colleagues were going to hear everything. He didn’t know how many ideals he just burnt with kissing Dazai, with kissing his fucking working partner. There was an entire chapter in his ideal ready to be ripped and thrown away, which wasn’t even the worst thing, since the worst was the fact that the others seemed to know what happened.
-Ranpo-san and Atsushi-kun saw us and Ranpo-san told everyone else. You tried to stop him but you fainted in the corridor.
Kunikida felt the despair take over him: the situation was worse than what he thought. They were curious, they were curious to know if their kiss was intentional, if it was just another of Dazai’s jokes or if it was something that happened in the heat of a moment. That’s why they were looking, it was all so clear now.
What should he do? Should he tell the president about this? No, wait. It wasn’t the best idea, if he were going to do it, he was going to obviously explain the fact that he was drunk at the office and that he lost all control by kissing his partner that was drunk as well. His working career would be ruined. And after all, it wasn’t an issue regarding work, right? It was a matter between him and Dazai and he doubted that kisses were something that coworkers gave to each other. As always Dazai managed to disrupt both his working and private life, what a menace.
The other seemed to read his thoughts because he chuckled again and waved his hands.
-We were drunk c’mon, it can happen. It’s not a problem for me. – Kunikida peeked at him with his whole posture slouched and his cheeks still red from shame. He was right, it could happen, they certainly weren’t the first pair of people kissing because of alcohol and he should feel lucky that things didn’t go any further because he heard from Yosano worrying stories about people waking up naked in stranger’s beds after drinking too much. In bed with Dazai— he grimaced. No. – It’s not like you’re confessing eternal love to me, even if it’s a shame.
The last part, even if it was just part of his teasing, made Kunikida flinch.
-Wait a moment. – Kunikida massaged his temples: they were going nowhere if Dazai kept teasing him and he got embarrassed. They had to find a balance, after all, wasn’t he the one that always said that focusing on the past was useless? He cleared his voice and adjusted his glasses. – I suppose, uh, that if it isn’t a problem for you, then it is not for me.
It was right. If Dazai wasn’t worried about it, Kunikida didn’t see the reason why he should keep thinking about it. Right, it wasn’t a problem.
-We can forget it happened and keep working as always.
-Couldn’t agree more.
The two exchanged a knowing look: it’s not like they needed a lot of words to understand each other. In fact, at that moment they were both thinking: “ I’m fine with that” . It didn’t matter that Dazai thought it like: “I’m fine with that!” while Kunikida’s one was more: “uh…I’m fine with that, I guess?”
With his face still burning and his heart still throbbing in his chest, Kunikida let out the kind of sigh that usually signaled the end of a conversation and reached the office door again. Dazai was a few meters from him but Kunikida had the impression he was way further.
Maybe it was just the embarrassment taking over him. He wasn’t thinking rationally.
-Well, let’s get back to work then.
-Ugh and here I was thinking that this situation stressed you enough to allow me to take the day off.
-This is never happening to you. — Kunikida bit back as Dazai dragged his feet next to him. — Oh, and Dazai? Not a word with the others about this conversation. Let’s just tell them that we were drunk and it was all a mistake.
Dazai smiled in a way Kunikida wasn’t able to define: it was as if he was both proud and sure that he wasn’t going to spill this conversation to anyone. He snapped his fingers and winked at him.
-Your secret is safe with me.
Kunikida’s apprehension worsened.
He opened the door to enter the office again, Dazai followed his steps and returned to his desk. Kunikida shot a glance at him before returning to his paperwork. Most of their colleagues were still out and the few ones there were basically Naomi and Tanizaki, both busy discussing what to eat for dinner, and Yosano that was hidden in her infirmary waiting for someone to get hurt. At least there weren’t prying eyes anymore looking at him and Dazai.
When they were coming back from their break, he was going to talk with them.
Seriously, they had little to think of if they were so interested in them kissing.
He felt something in his stomach stir again and he tried to focus on work: he took a report from his right. Good, a murder case, really good. That was going to keep his mind off of the matter for a while. It wasn’t a big deal after all, right? It was just a kiss, as Dazai said.
Right, Dazai was right, it was just a drunken kiss, not them declaring eternal love to each other.
Kunikida grimaced: which kind of fool declares eternal love to a person like Dazai?
Well, they were going to forget it anyway.
His colleagues would have forgotten that in the matter of a few weeks and then he and Dazai could keep on living as if nothing happened, because for the record, nothing has happened and nothing was going to change.
Absolutely nothing.