Chapter Text
Joel was mumbling in his sleep.
Ellie was used to this. No matter if they were bedded with the rats, the bugs, or the dead, Joel had been a constant buzz in the background of her nights lately.
Ellie was reclined in her sleeping bag, keeping a keen guard of their campsite but mostly watching the light of the fire flicker over Joel’s pinched face.
They’d steadily made their way across the white world on their trek back to Jackson, pushed themselves through most of the night with not a soul in sight for miles, then promptly huddled into the first overhang snowbank they found. Their trail here had been even more silent and unsettling as the forest got farther and farther behind.
She was listening closely, making sure she was awake enough to pick up on the quick snap of a twig, or the slow crunch of a pair of boots, if she should hear them. Instead, all she could do was keep watch, until her ears perked up to the sound of Joel's pleading whisper.
"Ellie."
She sat up straighter, surprised to hear a full word pass his lips. Usually Joel just grumbled and tossed around, dreams and nightmares overlapping to make a fitful night of restlessness.
Tonight he'd been mostly quiet, taking longer than normal to fall asleep and only recently dipping into something more dreamlike. He had his head cradled on his folded arms, curling into himself and slurring angrily, "Where 's she?"
Her eyebrows rose and she gently unwrapped her sleeping bag, moving to crawl over to Joel's side of the camp spot they’d built just a few hours ago.
She was slow from her need to be quiet, winter coat still scraping too noisily despite her efforts, but had at least gotten close enough to hear when Joel grunted, low and threatening, "Marlene… don't."
That sent her mind racing, and she felt the heat of anger flare up. She’d like to say she’d believed Joel when he swore he was telling the truth about The Fireflies, but she could just tell. She could tell he was holding something back, hiding something from her, and maybe it was finally slipping through his dreams.
She let him go on torturing himself in the hopes some truth might spill out.
Joel’s eyes squeezed tight as he whimpered, “Please -”
Despite herself, she almost jumped to wake him anyway, fear spiking through her the second it pierced his voice.
But she needed to wait.
Joel fidgeted, legs coming up closer to his gut like a shield as his face grew darker. He was menacing even in his sleep, almost growling into the leather under his cheek. She could tell he was fighting something horrible, but then suddenly the storm broke, and he pleaded again, "Where is she."
She couldn't let it keep going; he looked like he was tearing himself apart.
Ellie reached out, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him. He startled awake on the spot, not needing much prodding, his body leaning into her grip as his arms snapped out to hold her.
"Ellie," he breathed, folding his palms around her forearms, his thumb tracing the spot of scabbing where The Fireflies had taken her blood, or given her drugs, whatever it was.
She was startled to see him so open, so vulnerable, but as his tired eyes settled on her and realized where and when they were, he closed himself off again, "Ellie?"
Ellie was still as she mumbled, "You were talking in your sleep. Seemed like a nightmare."
Joel's eyes flicked away, likely trying to piece together what he might have said before she could force it out of him herself. When his gaze returned without an answer, she pushed her leverage.
She tried to keep any trace of simmering anger out of her voice as she embellished, "You were going on about The Fireflies. Spilling all your secrets."
His expression was unreadable, but she didn't want his mind to wander into excuses before she could squeeze something important out of him.
She continued, "Tell me again what happened at the hospital, and make sure your account matches your sleeping alter-ego’s."
Ellie knew Joel too well, and his shoulders slumped as he recognized it too. He dropped her arms, sitting up in his bag and running a hand over his face.
He looked up to catch her gaze again, and she could see his urge to throw another lie her way.
She finally let her rage show, "You've got ten seconds before I walk to Tommy's myself."
That scared him more than talking did, and she watched grief flicker over his features as he gave in.
He was gruff and cautious when he finally confessed, "...We didn’t get attacked. There were no raiders. They - the fireflies…” He looked up at her with those black eyes, “They were gonna kill ya, Ellie."
That shocked her right through. Her eyebrows pulled together, and it took a second, but the loose threads were finally forming a tapestry.
“What?”
Joel shook his head, clearly hesitant to continue but surrendering to his fate, "They were gonna kill you, and they wouldn't let me stop it." Joel's deep voice stumbled, cracked, "I woke up and you were already gone. Said… said they’d took you to surgery."
Ellie's heart thudded into her stomach. No. That couldn't be true, they’d said it was just tests, "What do you mean, why would they-"
Joel sagged, brow creasing, "For the cure, they couldn't get it without killin' you for it. It's… whatever it is, it's in your brain."
Ellie felt that tightness in her chest, the lingering stab of betrayal reopening like it always seemed to.
She barely whispered, "That’s not right, they were supposed to-"
"I know." He sounded hollow. "I... I'm sorry."
She was lost. Her ears were ringing, tears blurring her vision, "My blood was supposed to save everyone."
Ellie trailed off, her breathing ragged. Disbelief and disappointment turned her stomach, and she could barely keep from raging, "Everything I did, all the shit we went through… was all for nothing?"
Joel opened his mouth to correct her, but she wouldn't hear it, "Humanity's last shot, and it's just gone? My fucked up life could have meant something! They could have helped me saved everyone!"
Joel’s face twisted even worse, finally breaking in, "But you shouldn’t have’ta die for it like a fuckin’ animal for slaughter, Ellie. You wouldn’t’ve even gotten to see it. Is that really what you wanted?"
Ellie froze.
What she wanted…?
Her gaze jumped back to Joel, who was leaning toward her, pleading with her, and she thought of sheep on the moon. She thought of everything she used to want, and everything she couldn’t have anymore. She thought of how she almost didn't get to have a choice at all, and then she thought of him - of calloused fingers gripping her own as he moved her through the steps, laughing over the barrel of a gun and feeling like she was finally in control, of counting down the time with someone that knew her like the back of their hand.
"'Cause I didn't, and I didn’t think twice," he said.
Her eyes widened, glassy, and her chest felt like it was being torn apart.
She could barely breathe. "Tell me what happened."
He started shaking his head again, gaze drifting away like it did when he wanted to spare her something he thought to be too much, and she couldn't help but seethe, "I'm not goddamn glass, Joel, fucking tell me!"
The air settled. Joel braced himself, taking a breath before finally starting with, "They took you. They tried to kick me to the curb before I could even see you. But I... well I broke off, and I took down whoever I had to."
Joel looked ripped through. He paused, shaking his head imperceptibly, wishing to take back what he just let out, "I barely blinked til I found you… and when I did, they already had you on a table, knocked out cold."
Her heart rate wasn’t slowing down. White fog puffed into the air between them as Ellie let the silence stretch.
“And Marlene?”
Joel’s features shuttered, completely shutting down. Ellie's skin went cold. She snarled, “Joel .”
He shook his head and grunted, so she stared him down. Eventually he said, “She… she knew your mom, y’know?”
Ellie didn’t let the slap show on her face, even though it reached her toes, she just held still and forced him to keep talking.
“She promised to protect you, for your mom. She didn't wanna do it… but she still-” Joel's head dropped, lips twisting like he couldn't say any more. He looked up at her, and all he could do was shake his head.
She breathed, "You didn't."
He looked down and sighed, then up again, eyes black, and she knew.
Marlene gave her up too. And, as an open book she'd read a thousand times over now, Joel's face showcased his haunting.
But she didn't find a shred of regret. He'd done it; he’d slaughtered them all.
And he'd saved her.
She was split in every direction, threads of anger and hurt and grief and love tangling themselves into a stone in her gut. Her vision was blurred, cold wet streaks slipping down her cheeks before she angrily swiped them away.
She sucked in the frozen air, steeling herself to speak despite how badly she wanted to scream, "You killed the only people we knew that could make a cure. You killed Marlene."
He was quick to counter, "We'll find someone else."
Just like Joel, shooting his way out without a plan. She tipped into red rage, reaching out and vibrating him by the grip on his lapels, "You didn't have to kill them, you fucking motherfucker."
Joel finally rose to the occasion, his wounded puppy look quickly replaced by that telltale tick of dark conviction as he rasped, "They would’ve come for you. They would’ve chased you to the end of the Earth."
She swayed, almost winded, eyes searching every inch of his face. His open, honest, desperate face.
She shoved him back and let go of his coat, hauling herself to her feet just to let the restless energy escape somewhere outside herself.
Ellie didn’t want him to be right, didn’t want to let go of this anger before she’d even had the chance to really feel it yet, and if she looked at that face for too long she might just give in.
She’d almost been dead.
She remembered telling some killer puns, the way Joel had jumped to protect her from the flash bomb at their feet, the sound of his frantic voice as they took her away, the way Marlene promised he would be fine, that she'd be fine, and then it would’ve been over. Right then and there.
She never would’ve woken up again.
She couldn’t decide what she was more pissed off about right now, but everything was pulling at her in equal measure. She couldn’t speak, so she just stood there, trembling.
Joel looked to the floor, defeated by the silence and scared to let her fester, "They couldn’t guarantee it’d even work, Ellie, I mean… they don't know what the fuck they're doin’, and your life is worth more than taking a risk on all that shit anyway-"
"That shit ? What, the whole fucking planet!?"
He didn't say anything, just kept his dark eyes locked on her and nodded.
It rattled her, the conviction he laid bare. And she felt it, knew it in her bones, knew he meant it more than he meant anything else. Selfish or not, he meant it, and it’s the reason she was even here to see it.
And that's how she already knew he was a fucking liar before.
With that, the real wound was freshly ripped open. A tear dripped down her cheek, past her trembling teeth, "You swore."
Joel winced, dropping his head, "I know... I'm sorry."
She was shaking out of her skin, "Say something fucking new!"
His head snapped up, eyes glinting like a wounded animal, looking like he got shot, and Ellie's chest heaved.
Then his lips twisted, guilt coloring his low murmur, "I… I was just scared."
She didn’t move, didn’t give him an inch. He pulled himself up onto his knees, hands landing palm-up on his thighs as he said, "You saved me, over and over you saved me, and all I could do was fail you. They were going to take you for good, and I didn't know what-"
Her chest was aching, she couldn't hear that right now. She snarled, "How can I trust you!?"
"Ellie-"
"You swore, you swore to my face and you lied-"
"I know, I know, can't- dammit, can’t you see it's eatin’ me up?!"
The pain in his voice shocked her still. She was a writhing storm, standing frozen on the outskirts of their camp and waiting for something to shake her free of this never-ending hell.
Nothing came, but Joel kept begging, “Ellie, I’m sorry. I thought… well, I know it was selfish, I know I was just protecting myself, but I didn’t... didn't wanna scare you. I didn't want to lie to ya either, but I thought you'd just-”
“What? You thought what? That I’d hate you!? ‘Cause you’re making it pretty fucking easy, man.”
If she hadn’t been training her ears to pick up on any little pin drop, she might have missed the way his breath came shuddering out of him, strangled. She knew she’d hit a sore spot, and she almost didn’t care.
Almost.
She forced her feet to steady, and looked right at him - this man, damned to hell, with his shoulders up to his ears and his knees dug into the snow, desperately searching for a new way to apologize to his ‘cargo.’
Her heart tugged, against the will of the firestorm rolling in her stomach and against her better judgment.
Of everyone in the world, and of everyone she’d met, no one had ever cared for her quite like this. There was no real reason he should, either. She'd effectively shut down every comparison to Sarah at any opportunity. At first he was keeping a promise, then he was finishing the mission. All that time, and even now, Joel still never wavered. He was the only one that never left her, never gave her up. The mission was dead, everyone fighting for the mission was dead, and still here he was, right beside her, of all people.
And here she was, already about to forgive his stupid ass.
Because she understood. She’d felt it more often than she even realized, that gut-churning dread that came swimming up whenever she thought she’d lost him for good. It was sickening, and every time she felt it, she felt the same swell of merciless conviction as that rolling off of Joel like the tide rising to overcome it.
If there was no other way out, if the Fireflies were ready to ice them otherwise, she would have done the same.
She hated it, and she wouldn't have lied to him about it on top of everything else, but she would have done the same.
And, for whatever reason, that was the final straw.
Ellie turned to the edge of their campsite facing away from the fire, and screamed. She let her lungs empty, let her heart bleed, and she didn’t care who might overhear and come for them.
When she turned back, Joel was sitting with his head between his knees, like he was ready for whatever it was to come rip them apart, too, and he would surrender.
She decided to let him sit in that feeling.
“I’m going.”
She said it as she slung her bag over her shoulder, grabbing up the essentials and saying fuck it to all else.
She had her back to him, but she felt the worried warning in his voice all the same, “Ellie.”
Ellie rolled her eyes, pulling up her sleeping bag, “I’m not going far. Just leave me alone, alright?”
It was really annoying that she actually couldn’t go that far even if she wanted to. She turned around the side of the snowbank, and all she could see was black stretched in every direction. She thought about it for a split second, thought about just walking straight forward until she didn’t want to anymore, but that stone in her gut kept her steady.
She was mad, and she was going to keep being mad, but she wasn't leaving.
Yet.
She… needed time.
So, she dropped herself down against the back of a nearby tree, still close enough to hear when Joel sat back on his sleeping bag with a huff, and settled in to seethe through the dead of night.
-----
She hadn’t meant to fall asleep so quickly.
Ellie was perfectly content to sit in her storm all night, but the oppressive, silent dark must’ve drawn her under.
She was jostled awake by a tug at her side, blearily blinking through the morning fog in search of the annoyance. There was a low growl from the source of the tug, and suddenly she was wide awake.
As her vision cleared, she found a fiery orange fox ripping at her jacket pocket, growling at her.
She yanked back, “Hey, fuck off!”
It didn't listen, obviously, but she thought yelling might freak it out at least a little bit. Instead it just made the animal even more frenzied.
It snarled, wrenching at the bottom of her coat more harshly in haste to run off with its find. She couldn't remember what she'd put in her pocket, but clearly this thing needed it more than her.
She seriously needed her coat, though - it was a goddamn winter wonderland out here.
She kept tugging uselessly against the animal’s firm teeth, desperate, “You can have it, alright, just don't rip my fucking coat!”
She wasn't sure why she was trying to bargain with this creature, but before she could even get to the part of offering a replacement, Joel came whipping around the corner with his gun at the ready.
She yelled, “WAIT! Wait!”
Miraculously, he listened. His eyes were sharp despite his rumpled bed head, and Ellie put out her hand to block him, “Just - just scare it, or something.”
The fox wasn't worried by the weapon aimed at its face, or Joel’s slow attempt at spooking it. It just wildly shook its grip on her coat again.
Before she could try to redirect it, the coat gave way, tearing across the bottom hem and up her back.
The fox took its hard-earned prize and ran, tendrils of her coat dragging in the snow behind it.
Ellie sighed, “Dammit.”
A ripped coat, and she’d let free meat walk away. She just didn't want to be directly connected to the thing when Joel shot it, and now she'd lost twice over.
Joel lowered his gun, planting a hand on his hip but speaking gently as he mumbled, “Should’a let me kill it.”
She rolled her eyes, “Think you've done enough of that for a few more days.”
That shut him up.
She turned her back on his seeking gaze, throwing a weak, sarcastic (but genuine) ‘thanks’ over her shoulder before tending to the damage. Ellie heard him crunch his way back to his side of the snowbank as she picked at the torn fabric.
“Man, dude got the fuckin’ zipper side,” she muttered petulantly.
They better be close to Jackson, and they better get there fast. Before she freezes her ass off and starts getting extra shitty.
She sighed, and took this heated moment to weigh her options.
Was she going to leave Joel?
The thought had only crossed her mind a thousand times since they’d met, and this was the closest she'd ever felt to such uncertainty. She’d barely given the idea airtime the night before, assuming it was her only option if she couldn’t trust him, but now effectively flip-flopping on either side of the issue.
He clearly still cared; he clearly just wanted to protect her. But that wasn’t enough anymore, wasn’t enough when he’d almost bled out under her hands despite her need for him to stand up, and it sure as hell wasn’t enough to undo his lie and belatedly win back her favor now.
If he wanted to protect her, he had to trust her, and he had to recognize her as an equal. That was all she ever wanted - every time she put her back to his and they scanned the horizon as a unit, she just wanted him to see her.
He already did in so many ways, she just had to break this delusion of guardianship - and that would be nearly impossible, she already knew. But she was something the world hadn't seen before, and she might be the one to find a way.
Ellie sighed again, and considered the opposing side. If she left him once and for all in Jackson, how could she avoid him? All she could do was throw the silent treatment at his face until she found her own way out, her own heavenly commune somewhere out there.
She believed she could, but she didn't know what kind of home it would be without Joel.
Ellie didn't want a home without Joel.
She snarled, kicking the base of a tree and scratching her nails through her hair.
She was so fucking pissed. Why did he have to lie? What could she do to trust him again, what could he even do to prove himself?
What could she do to dig him out of her heart?
She heard the telltale noise of Joel snapping twigs and striking flint, starting their morning routine like nothing would ever change.
She couldn't, and she didn't even want to.
She seethed, and decided to ice him out until her head was less of a raging fire.
Joel freely gave her space.
They ate breakfast, packed up, and swiftly got on the move. It had to be the fastest she'd ever seen him go through the morning motions, and she would almost consider it impressive if the goal wasn’t blind avoidance.
To her long-suffering endearment, very little really changed between them - despite the elephant named Forced Silence that was following them, they hadn't lost anything. Joel would still catch her when she slipped, she would still call out small noises from the right, and they kept in step with one another like they’d walked this path a hundred times over.
As much as Ellie wanted to resent it, it soothed every part of her.
Even when she blew up, even when she did everything she could to push him away, he would still be there for her. He’d still be right there, if she wanted, and she could feel that security with every icy breath.
It didn’t quite thaw her, but it settled something fierce in her gut, something that felt like it’d been living there since before she even had the mind to name it. So many people dropped her so easily before that it was almost nauseating how loved she could feel from the small things.
Like Joel’s hand, reaching down to her from the upper bank of a river, pulling her up to her feet and holding fast to her forearms as she settled on solid ground.
It was so simple, so easy, and she didn’t want to give it up.
She'd been shivering since they started their long hike thanks to the giant rip in her coat. She managed to stay stoic whenever Joel asked if she was cold, refusing his help with this one thing as a last ditch attempt at contempt, but it was becoming impossible to hide how the chill was affecting her.
Before they'd even really picked a spot to settle on for the night she started gathering wood for a fire.
Joel, finally listening to his better judgment, didn't make a single comment. He just set his gear down and began sifting for twigs alongside her.
She hated how easy it felt to forgive him.
Ellie held fast to her flickering anger, biting her cheek every time she went to speak and breaking eye contact every time Joel caught her looking.
She refused to bend.
Their campfire caught quickly, bright and swimming toward the night sky, and she could finally feel some sensation in her fingertips again.
She was stealthy as she wiggled them by the base of the fire pit, knowing Joel would start a fuss if he realized how cold she really was. But it was almost over, they were just a few hours walk from Jackson now and there she'd finally get all the luxury she needed.
For now, she was content by the fire with her half of their shared can of soup.
Joel, surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, broke the silence first.
He coughed, then sloshed a few chunks around his bowl as he gathered the courage to speak, “Once we get to Jackson, y'know… you've got options. Plenty of options. You're not… stuck. With me. We can split, I can leave… You could probably find a good gig with Maria and Tommy. You'd be great at-”
Her ears were ringing. When she'd considered having this talk over her last several hours of fuming, she hadn't imagined Joel would start with abandonment of all things.
The pang of fear was immediate, and she tried to smother it with snark, “Oh, so you were still planning to drop me on the first doorstep you found.”
Joel's head jerked, “No, I just meant…”
He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his knee, “I just want to give you space, give you options… give you whatever you need.”
“What I need,” she started, heavy and hard and angry, “is for the one person I give a shit about to actually trust me back.”
His voice was slow to follow the breath that hissed between his teeth, “I do, Ellie, I just thought I was-”
“Saving me. Protecting yourself. I know. I know what you thought. But that's not what I needed.”
She breathed, feeling like a weight was finally falling from her back, “I needed you to trust me, to not fucking lie to me. I needed you to care about what I needed first, and about your bruised ego second.”
Joel just nodded, “You're right.”
Ellie dropped her spoon into her bowl, stomach suddenly turned and souring her appetite.
Her rage was shifting into frustration and pain and desperation, which almost always turned to misty eyes. Goddammit.
She harshly swiped her sleeve over her nose, pulling her knees closer to her chest as she muttered, “Well that's not enough, is it?”
She didn't know what she was looking for from him exactly, but she would know it when she heard it.
Joel looked up at her, catching onto her shaking shoulders and shallow breathing, “Get closer to the fire, you gotta warm up.”
Ellie waved him off. He probably figured it out way before she thought he would, but she couldn't care anymore. If she froze she froze, not like there was anything to fight for right now.
Joel huffed, “Ellie.”
All she had left was pain from being lied to. She was past frustrated and pissed off, sick of Joel finally being perfectly caring and kind after all he'd done to hurt her, and she was ready to hurt him back.
“You're not my fucking dad,” Ellie snapped.
Joel stuttered in his movement, then put his own bowl down carefully as he eyed her over the fire, “I know that.”
“Do you? ‘Cause you've got a bad habit of making decisions for me.”
Joel's jaw clenched, “That wasn't- that's not what I was tryin’ to do. Then or now or- or ever.”
Ellie saw how his shoulders were tight, but he didn't seem wounded. She thought her jab would do a bit more damage, but maybe Joel had really healed that hole without her even noticing.
She was almost impressed.
“Then what was it?”
She wanted something new, something solid to throw back at him.
All he gave her was a heartbreaking face, eyebrows drawn and gaze so pained she felt a twin tug in her chest, “I didn't want to lose you.”
“Like you lost Sarah?”
Joel didn't flinch, just shook his head, “No.” His eyes slid to her, “Like when David took ya. I was so scared, ‘cause it was you. I… I'm not the same person I was before you. I couldn't… I don't-”
Joel wasn't always the best at articulating himself, but she heard him loud and clear, and it was rare to get so much truth out of him at once. He was choking on his words as they fell out, clogging his throat with every admission.
He sighed, starting over, “It was selfish, I know it was. No matter if those idiots coulda actually made a damn cure or not, I know I was wrong.”
His voice cracked, wispy as he slipped into begging, “But I didn't know what to do, Ellie… I didn't know how to save you any other way. I'm only good at one thing.”
She got caught on his shining eyes as the crest of a wave began building in her chest, and she had no desire to stop it.
Joel dropped his head, voice dripping acid as he continued, “And I lied for that. Lied to hide the blood on my hands, 'cause I knew you'd -” he sighed, “I thought you'd hate me so bad you'd leave the second you could.”
He brought his head back up then, his face looking like cracked marble as he said, “And you should, Ellie. You really should.”
Ellie’s heart squeezed as the fire glinted across Joel’s wet eyes. She never thought she'd hear him say that, or see the dead expression he wore as he clearly wanted nothing less.
She was pulled to reassure him, touch him-
Ellie got to her feet before she could stop herself, her body jerking on instinct as she moved to his side of the pit.
His eyes followed her as she dropped down in front of him, back to the heat of the fire and vision flooded with Joel’s inviting-looking lap. She must have been more delirious from the cold than she realized.
Before she lost the point, she reached out and took his closest dangling hand, “I get it, alright?”
Ellie tried to search his features as it filtered through a myriad of questions. She liked watching the kaleidoscope of expressions his face could make, liked being the one to send them spiraling.
“I get how you felt. I would've…”
She hesitated, and said instead, “When you were dying in that basement, I would've killed every one of those guys if I had to. I tried to talk to ‘em, and they came for us anyway. It would’ve been all I could do.”
Joel had gone still since she'd started holding his hand, but here he moved, grabbing at her forearm with his free grip.
He stayed silent, so she continued, “I know sometimes there's only one way out.”
She made sure to catch his eyes as she continued, “But it's never lying to me.”
Her voice was as hard as she could make it with this rock in her throat. All she wanted was to be back to even with Joel, back to center.
But he had to promise, and fucking mean it.
His jaw tightened as he nodded, but she pressed on, “I have to be able to trust you no matter what, just like you should be able to trust me. Scared or not.”
She needed him to hear every piece of it, “I don't want to split up, not now and not anytime soon. I said I would follow you anywhere and I meant it. I have to be able to trust you.”
He had to get it.
Joel implored her, “I'll make it up to you.”
“You have to promise. Final fucking promise. You don't chose for me, and you don't lie to me. If it's broken we're done, and I won't think twice,” she mirrored him.
He held up his pinky finger, “Promise. Cross my heart.”
Her pulse rabbitted quick, pleased and hopeful as Joel’s comforting features settled into a tentative smile.
She reached out and hooked her pinky around his, swaying into his space as she pulled his hand close to her chest. He let her pull him, gently leaning forward - and then her teeth started chattering.
She squeezed her arms closer to her sternum, trying to trap heat and holding Joel’s warmth as near as she could without crawling towards him.
Joel’s voice was rough as he scolded, “El, you gotta warm up, we should grab more wood.”
She shivered again, the pet name sending a spark over her skin as it passed his lips.
She took the temperature of them, considered the fallout, and decided to be bold, “Can't you just sh-h-hare your sleeping bag?”
The stutter was embarrassing, but she thought her puppy eyes still did the trick.
Joel stiffened, his gaze quickly flicking over her face, wary.
Ellie didn't move. She had no salacious intentions yet, not that he really suspected she did, she just couldn't help trying to steal some of his body heat right now. He looked so warm, with two big coats, a thick fluffy flannel, and a wool undershirt - she could almost loot him if he was, well, someone else.
He’d offered to give her one of those coats before; she regretted refusing it out of spite now more than ever.
Joel barely opened his mouth as he breathed, “Sure, yeah, that'll help.”
Ellie took advantage of his hesitation and pressed her face down against his hands, sapping his heat with her freezing cheek. Joel hissed, and she laughed. He only let them sit like that for a moment until he pulled away to arrange the sleeping bag.
Her teeth chattered as she waited for him to settle into it and make room for her. The second he peeled open the invitation, she jumped to press herself in with him. Joel hovered with the edge of it in his hand, awkwardly still as Ellie wiggled into the open space and forced him back against the seams.
She couldn't decide if turning away from him would be better than facing him, less awkward, but his heat was a tangible magnet and her cold nose was naturally pulled toward his chest.
They'd eventually settled, limbs well spaced apart, and Joel dropped his arm over her and the gap between them in his best attempt at relaxing.
Ellie didn't mind.
Somehow, Joel smelled good.
Her breath heated the space between them, and she couldn't help but reach her chilled hands out toward his calling skin.
Her fingertips pressed into the open vee of his plaid flannel, and she felt him jolt on contact. His breath stilled, probably weighing whether he should push her away or not.
Ellie hoped he wouldn't.
She pressed her hands closer before he could move one way or another, causing him to hiss as her ice-cold touch sapped his heat.
“Fuckin’ freezin’,” he gasped.
She laughed. His free hand came up to wrap around her fingers, in an attempt to warm her up and rebuild a barrier.
Ellie could feel Joel’s heavy pulse where her fingers pressed into his wrist, but his face was a perfect mask of disinterest.
She sighed. No matter the war in his head right now, she didn't feel like denying herself.
His nose settled softly against her crown as they started to fall into drowsiness, and she spoke, just to prod, “I'm still mad at you, you know.”
Her voice was small, tired, and she really just didn't want to fall asleep quite yet.
Joel huffed, “I know. I’ll make it up to you.”
She nodded, pressing forward and digging her nose into his clavicle, curling up against his stomach.
Her breath stuttered as she pushed their wobbly boundaries, her lips barely ghosting against Joel’s neck as she breathed.
Joel stilled, turning rigid under the sudden sensation. Before he could finally move them apart, and before she had to ask to stay, her eyes dipped shut and the night slipped away from her.
*
The bright glare of the morning sun woke her too soon after, cutting her ever-returning dream of Riley and that terrible night kindly short.
Ellie sighed, her hot breath misting into a cloud in front of her. She felt indulgently warm.
She was floating, secure and comfortable and held and… and suddenly her heartbeat picked up as Joel’s breath puffed against the back of her neck.
Oh.
The reality of their arrangement finally filtered in.
Joel’s right arm was heavy over her waist, curled up in front of her, his left pillowed snugly under her head. Her back had melted against his chest overnight, and he'd engulfed her.
She wished she could revel in this rare comfort, instead of falling victim to her baser instincts, but she couldn't help herself as she zeroed in on Joel’s lips - which were hot and soft and brushing scantly across her nape every time he snored. Her gut twisted with desire.
She was angry before and she still wasn't quite done wringing him for it, but she'd been wanting this. No matter how she wasn't supposed to want it, she did, and it kept coming back stronger. Ellie knew she wouldn't lose him, no matter if he reciprocated or not, and she knew him, more than anyone else. She wanted him to trust her enough to be here, like this, in whatever way he was willing.
And she wanted more.
Joel sniffled, curling tighter against her as his legs pushed closer, his arm squeezed her close, and his face scratched against her oversensitive neck.
Ellie preened against him automatically, shoving her hips back into him with desperate intention.
Joel sucked in air and his hand snapped to her side, holding her in place.
His gravelled voice was barely audible, “Ellie. Whatdya doin’.”
His tired slur was endearing, and his hand was a hot brand on her hip, thumb and fingertips digging in place. Ellie couldn't help pushing her luck.
“Just. Just listening to my body, man.” Her throat was dry, but her voice wasn't ashamed.
In the heat of the moment, she’d wanted to be closer, but she didn't stop to think far enough to consider what would happen if Joel took her up on it.
She considered it now. Her heart was being embarrassingly loud.
“Well then don't listen to it," he finally gruffed, releasing her hip, "Clearly it ain't thinkin’ straight.”
Ellie couldn't help but crack a smirk, “Usually you’d be right about that.”
He huffed and started to move away, but she caught his hand and kept it close before he could get too far. She didn't want to stop yet, didn't want him to separate them yet.
Joel paused.
They both took a second to breathe, her staring at the forest line across from them and him staring at the back of her head. His fingers twitched.
Ellie was growing more flustered with each passing second.
His voice was a cudgel when he spoke again, "What is this then, huh? Just lonely?"
He said it so closely to her ear that it made her shiver. Ellie tried to snark, "Yeah, I get real lonely with you bothering me all day."
Joel didn't laugh, just kept steady and asked, almost interrogative, "What, then?"
She groaned, trying to deflect to ignore his less than enthusiastic response, "God, aren't you old and wise or something? What d'you think this is?"
Joel’s tone exposed his edge, his fear, "I think I'm the only warm thing around for 30 miles out, and you're a goddamn hormonal teenager."
She rolled her eyes. As much as he wanted to act above it all, she knew he had it tucked somewhere deep inside him. She'd seen it, even when she didn't know what it was she was looking for exactly. It was hidden in every little caring gesture, every trinket he searched down to make her smile, every moment of silent, mutual understanding.
Joel couldn't hide most things from her, she’d learned, and this was no different.
Ellie shakily pressed her warm lips to his fingers, trying to speak through his skin. His breath stuttered against her neck, so she scraped her teeth over his knuckles.
She was vindicated as she felt Joel’s interest pressing softly against her backside, and her indignation immediately surpassed the sting of rejection. She tried to bring his hand down, down to her stomach, maybe even further, but he froze.
"Ellie, don't."
She sighed, nearly whined, "Jesus, Joel, don't- don't tell me you're really dumb enough to care about some pointless shit like -”
His hand snapped to her hip again, shocking her still as he said, "What I care about… is keepin’ you safe."
He breathed, raising the hairs on her neck.
"Even from me."
A shiver ran down her spine and set her skin on fire.
Fuck.
Joel reached past her and unceremoniously unzipped the sleeping bag, shoving her back into the bitter cold as he pulled up and away from their spot without another word.
He raked his fingers through his hair in agitation before starting the campsite dismantlement with his usual routine.
All she could do was join him.
Ellie was subdued from then on. She didn’t mean to be especially frosty, something about that morning just made her tighten her mouth, but she could tell her demeanor was making Joel antsy.
Joel, on the other hand, was very characteristically silent - a brick wall, back to her face all morning as they packed up the campsite, but she wouldn’t let it rattle her the same.
In the end Joel didn't turn her down, he just wasn’t there. Maybe not yet, maybe not ever, but he wasn't leaving, and if she had to choose between ice cold silence with the only person she loved left in the world, or being alone, she’d pick the former every time over.
They were close to Jackson now, the rush of the dam growing louder in her ears with every step.
The tip of her nose was almost frozen solid. They hadn't stopped walking since they'd disassembled the camp site that morning, Joel's avoidance potent in his actions. He wouldn't put a full wall between them, his coat hem still within fingers reach, but he barely even hummed in response to her pointless comments on the scenery, and didn't even turn to look when she finally squeaked out her third whistle.
She decided to shut up and thaw him out later, maybe he'd be more talkative after he got a proper meal in him. Assuming the guard in Jackson wasn't ordered to shoot them on sight.
She sighed, her tired attention returning to the crunch of her boots.
As they passed the noisy power source and trekked further up the hill, the forest that stretched out beside them lapsed into silence.
She paid it no mind, eyes tracking Joel's big steps instead, until both feet suddenly stopped in place.
Ellie scarcely avoided barreling right into him, face still landing hard against his back before she pulled away indignantly, "Hey, what-"
Joel whipped around, his brow pinched and gloved pointer finger blocking his lips: Shhh.
Her eyes widened, gaze jumping to the treeline to find movement, to find anything.
Joel redirected her, pointing further back and leading her eyes away… toward - Oh, fuck.
A body, a lone red leg sticking out from behind a tree trunk.
Her breath hitched, and Joel readied his rifle. He was predatory, smooth and silent in his movement as he pulled her behind him and surveyed the area.
They kept as still as their pumping blood allowed, trying to catch any sudden noise under the whistling wind.
She jolted again when she found an arm tossed out of the forest, just on the outskirts, a circle of soaked bloody snow as its cradle. There were puddles scattered between the trees, hidden omens she’d blissfully missed.
Joel’s eyes were hard and his voice low as he directed, "Get your gun, and run if I say run."
She nodded. He dropped her hand for better aiming.
"Slowly."
Their footsteps tapped feather-light against the snow as they crossed the hill, Ellie close on Joel's heels and both of them poised to bury a bullet in anything that moved.
They’d barely just crested the edge of the forest, Jackson sweeping into bright, heavenly view ahead of them, when they heard a sickening gurgle.
Their hearts seized in tandem, and they bolted like animals.
They were fast, and panting and loud, but not louder than the thing gnashing and barreling at them from the treeline. Once they were far enough ahead, Ellie chanced a look back over her shoulder.
Big fucking mistake.
The cordycep was huge, must've been half bloater even after it'd been cut to shreds, with its head a massive rose of carnage and a gash in its neck spreading gore in all directions.
She almost slipped, but the sound of Joel letting off shot after shot kept her grounded, kept her moving. She threw a few pellets in with him when she could, in-between strides, but it just wasn't enough.
Joel must've put 15 shots in its empty head already, and it was still gaining on them effortlessly. Her thighs were burning, her heart was a smacking drum in her chest, almost bursting, and all she could do was keep going. Keep fucking going.
Through her ragged breathing, she could hear the thing getting close, too close. Bullet after bullet only slowed it so much, and they were the only thing that could hold its interest in the vast white nothingness.
So close to peace, so close to salvation, and they were about to be ripped apart anyway.
Joel snarled, suddenly reaching back and tugging her in front of him. Before she could get her bearings, they fell, her back hitting the snow and Joel's body caging hers, holding hers, bracing for impact.
He was right there, breathing hard and scanning every inch of her face.
"Run."
Her fear tripled as she started pounding her fists against his chest in tandem with the hard beat of her heart, "No, no, no, no-"
Joel was just looking at her, only her, cataloging and memorizing what he could with the microseconds they had left, peace in his gentle eyes.
Before one of her most haunting nightmares could come true, before she had to start running from Joel’s ravaged corpse, another shot rang through the air.
And the cordycep dropped.
The immediate surge of relief was overwhelming, barely computable, and it stung. It turned into rage as she squeezed her eyes shut and stammered, "Don't fucking do that. Ever again. Don't- don't make me- I can't watch-"
"Hey," Joel whispered, rough and out of breath, so soft she barely heard it through the flood in her ears.
“Look at me,” He said, his hold on her jaw a grounding force, gloved thumb scraping across her cold cheek.
She shook her head, barely choked out, "Fuck you."
He snickered, despite it all, relief turning him soft, "It's alright, Ellie."
She gave in, opened her eyes and looked at him, and his face didn't disappoint.
She’d never seen him so flayed open in her life, as if the doors of death running up behind them had ripped the cage off his heart and his face was an open projection of it. He breathed, the hand on her cheek becoming more solid as his eyes tracked her body, “You hurt?”
She was too winded and stunned to speak, instead just shook her head against his hand and didn’t blink.
Joel smiled, a rare version of it, “Good, good. We’re okay.”
He sighed, thumb swiping her cheek again in a reassuring albeit clearly nervous gesture, but then his gaze returned to hers and she saw something brand new.
She’d never seen that so clearly before, and the weight of its possibilities lit her up. She took notice of every pinprick of electric connection between them, his arm wrapped around her lower back to keep her steady, his knees bracketing her thighs from the drop, her hands gripping his jacket.
Joel’s voice was barely a whisper when he said, “We are okay, right?”
It struck like lightning. With her heart in her throat and her pulse buzzing in her ears, she stuttered, a deer in headlights.
Her mind traced back to their long nights spent under the stars, daydreaming of something better, their souls tied together across the fire. She thought about how she could never sleep like the dead the way she did next to anyone else.
She considered his bald-faced lie, him staring her down and handing her a bomb disguised as a bouquet. She thought of his drive, his urge to protect her and her mirrored need to do the same, and every terrible path it sent them down.
She remembered every other truth he'd promised her and managed to keep. She remembered his laugh. She remembered his heat.
She already knew what she wanted.
Ellie nodded shakily.
Joel's fingers flexed against her back, and his eyes ticked toward heavy, heated, making her heartbeat jump back into overdrive.
Her gaze flicked over his face, trying to decipher if her adrenaline was making her imagine something that wasn't there, or if Joel was really still looking at her like that.
He was, and it hit her square in the gut. Before she could even think about moving, about pulling on the lapels in her grip and bringing him closer, another telltale clink rang over the empty field.
Reloading.
It shocked her back instantly; if Tommy could see far enough to snipe a cordycep through that scope, he could definitely see them huddled on top of each other, closer and for longer than others would take kindly to.
Ellie wasn't the type to give a shit, obviously, but she knew Joel probably would, at least in front of Tommy.
Surprisingly, though, he kept steady, looking to her lead to let her know he wouldn't bolt from her so easily, wouldn't fumble this before it even found its legs.
She smiled, something small and secret, a hundred promises tucked in her eyes as she moved her hand to pat his shoulder, “Let’s go warm up.”
He took it all, folding it tight against his chest with a nod.
Before he moved away completely she muttered, “And maybe we can ask for an ax while we're getting that coat.”