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“Did you make us hot chocolates? Wow Shipman”
When Shauna creaked open the door she was welcomed by a wash of golden warmth embracing her. Shauna's tight-nit attic of a room was decorated with a fireplace, with fuzzy blankets and pillows arranged in a cuddly fort along the floor. The room looked emptier than she remembered but she payed it no mind because Jackie's presence made it feel like a treasure filled castle.
Jackie sat in the centre where the fort had been arranged into a throne around her, the blankets encompassing her and the pillows holding her up, like they worshipped her.
Even when Shauna felt like the world was collapsing on her, Jackie showed her an uplifting glittering smile that convinced her everything would be okay and nothing had gone wrong. She beckoned her over with her slightly raspy bubbly voice that was ingrained in Shauna's memory no matter how long she went without hearing it.
The warm sight couldn't keep a rosy smile off Shauna's face. “I learnt from the best.” Pressing her fingertips into the graciously warm mug, she followed Jackie like a lost disciple.
Jackie sneered and shook her head. “Ah-ah, flattery will get you nowhere, let's see what you ‘learnt.’” She pat the ground in front of her.
Shauna kneeled down there to meet Jackie’s level, daring to impede the fortress. She let go of one mug to present it to her, she missed the warmth as soon as it left her fingertips.
But Jackie needed it more than her.
Shauna folded her legs and stayed planted in front of her, watching and waiting as Jackie took a sip.
After a pursed moment of thought, Jackie pulled the mug away from her lips to reveal a pleased smile sitting there. “Okay I gotta give it to you this time, that’s damn good.”
Shauna beamed in relief. “Haha! See” She put her own mug down on the little table and excitedly reaped her winnings by throwing up a corner of Jackie’s blankets to wrap around herself. She saddled up next to her, pressing her arm against hers like she’d won the right to.
Jackie also put her mug down to wrap her arms around Shauna’s. “My bad for underestimating you, but if I remember correctly the last time you tried to make a hot chocolate-”
Shauna slapped a hand over Jackie’s mouth, a little embarrassed snicker escaping her “Shuhut up! That was one time!”
Jackie giggled as she scrambled to push her off. “Why are you covering my mouth?! Who’s gonna hear? One of you catholic saints?” She blinked and her eyes shifted to something softer. “It’s just us, we can say whatever we want.”
Shauna grabbed Jackie’s hand to push it but ended up just holding onto it instead. Her skin melted into the touch.
“That's true…it's just us.”
Without letting go, Jackie faintly rested her head on Shauna's shoulder, looking off somewhere far away. “So, back to my story, you remember that time in like 4th grade I think, when you tried to make us hot chocolates.”
Shauna nodded reluctantly.
Jackie snickered and threw a hand up to paint the scene. “First off, used the wrong milk-”
“There’s no such thing as-”
“Oh yes there is. That oat milk or whatever you used, tasted wrong. Then it was barely hot you took it off way to early, it was bitter, and then you spilled yours all over your bed!” Jackie mockingly told, letting out high-pitched sneer between each point.
“Okay okay I get it” Shauna shook off her teasing with an eye roll.
Ignoring this, Jackie went on. “I think there's some other drinks you tried to make. Like you broke my coffee machine! You remember that? And oh god last year when you tried to make that cocktail jesus-”
“Jackie, I said I get it.”
Shauna tightened her grip on Jackie’s hand.
It went limp in her grasp.
Jackie looked at her with wide eyes. It was so hard to stay mad at those eyes.
Yet Shauna found a way to do it anyway.
Jackie let go of her hand. She took a sip of the drink before turning back with a softened gaze.
She wrapped an arm around Shauna's shoulder. “You know, you were also really good at making a lot of stuff too. Like that time you made us that warm soup so I didn't eat crappy frozen microwave food again.”
Shauna hesitantly smiled, averting her gaze.
“or helped with that fundraiser by making a bunch of stupid cupcakes with me and I had no idea what I was doing.”
Shauna chuckled under breath. “You were so bad”
“I was so bad!” Jackie agreed.
“God I never wanna do that again. Half that hard work ended up in Randy’s stomach.” Shauna remarked, making Jackie laugh.
“I think he got like a sugar high of that somehow. Not that he was that different.” Jackie added, they both burst out laughing.
Sometimes when they both laughed at the same time it seemed to blend together and sound like one laugh.
When it stopped, Jackie let go to sit her arms behind her back, leaning against her thrown. Another memory struck her. “Ooh and remember that pork you did! That was so-”
“Hey,” Shauna interrupted her. “Let's not talk about meat for now.”
Jackie slowly turned to her, staring blankly.
“You're right. We better not.”
Jackie’s voice sounded distant. Why did Jackie's voice sound distant?
Shauna leaned closer to her and picked up both their drinks. “So you know why I made us blanket pillow forts?” She asked enticingly before taking a sip of her drink.
Jackie took a sip of her own and her smile returned. “‘Cause we used to do that all the time when we were kids.”
“Yeah. Remember when we would make separate ones, we would be like, two opposing nations attacking each other or something.” Shauna nudged her.
“Haha! That was your idea nerd, I just went along with it” Jackie bragged.
Shauna confuddled her face, offended. “Bullshit! You got more into it than me, you were a dictator!”
“You snuck things into my fort when I wasn't looking! At least I was upfront.” Jackie indignantly smacked a hand to her chest with her mouth agape.
Shauna pressed her lips together. "Touche.” she quietly admitted with a guilty smile. She shifted in her seat, curling up to herself closer. “Maybe we both got a bit carried away.”
Jackie tapped the floor then swung herself forward with a grin. “Yeah you’re right we both did.” She clutched the blanket tightly around her waist and nudged Shauna’s shoulder. “But in the end we’d always end up giving it up and just merging our forts together into one.”
Shauna smiled back warmly. “Ah yeah, declaring peace at the end. That was my favourite. That game was fun.”
Jackie’s smile faded silently.
Shauna hugged a pillow to her chest. “Why’d we ever stop?”
Jackie blinked with a tired expression. She shrugged. “We just grew up I guess.”
The mood tiptoed down into something quiet. Silent. Usually that wasn't a problem, they’d been friends so long they didn't need to talk all the time to enjoy being around each other...But this time, it scared Shauna. The silence seemed to make the room colder.
To her relief Jackie interrupted the silence with a dramatic groan. “Urghhh! It's so fucking cold!” She noisily complained throwing the blanket on top of herself. She ripped the drink off the table and took a swig.
Shauna’s face almost came undone in bewilderment. She sat up in panic, her heartbeat quickening. “How?! I’ve literally covered you in warm things! What else am I supposed to do?!”
Jackie’s wide eyes stared at her. Then a teasing smile crept onto her face. “God relax Shauna, there's still one more thing you can do.” She plopped herself next to Shauna and snuggled up next to her.
Shauna raised a brow, she didn't know what she was talking about. But she did.
Her cheeks burned. “Oh- Classy bitch.”
“What? We used to cuddle all the time, what's your damage Shauna?” She whined. Jackie's ice cold goosebumps covered hand closed around her wrist.
“Yeah I know.” Shauna stiffened. Each touch felt like it would disappear as quickly as it came
She squeezed her eyes shut.
“It won't be like it used to be.” She whispered desperately.
“It will.”
Shauna dared to open her eyes.
Jackie sat before her with ice solid confidence.
“Trust me.”
Well how could she deny such gospel?
Shauna opened her arms. “C’mere.”
Jackie crashed into them like she was a corpse, but her cheeky giggle let her know she was still alive. Shauna tightly wrapped her arms around her and pushed her face into the crook of her shoulder, she worried she would evaporate if she held on any looser.
Shauna was shocked to her core when she realised.
Jackie felt so warm. She was supposed to be cold but she was practically burning. And she swore she felt Jackie breathing, her chest slowly rising and falling against her own.
Jackie was right.
She was always right.
Jackie felt so alive! Like she was real. Like she used to be.
Shauna let out a sharp microcosm of a breath as she gripped Jackie’s back and fiddled with her honey smelling hair and leaned her cheek against her smooth skin and tried not to inhale her entire being.
Jackie even started to hug her back.
“Are you crying Shauna?” She heard Jackie whisper so softly in her ear that it could’ve just been the wind.
Shauna shook her head, clutched Jackie's face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “What would I have to cry about?”
The room fell quiet again, only hearing the crackle of the fire. But this time Shauna wasn't scared at all, because Jackie was there. She was actually there. If she could possibly help it, Shauna was never going to let her go. She dreaded ever sleeping with that empty cold air of absence again. Jackie was warm and she was here. She could feel it.
When Jackie pulled away, Shauna’s stomach dropped so hard she feared she might throw up.
Jackie just picked up a drink off the table and took a sip.
Unlike every other time, this one didn't seem like a good one.
Her face furrowed, her lip pouted, she blinked at the drink like it had offended her. Shauna was about to ask what was wrong-
Jackie launched her hand at Shauna’s wrist, she gripped and dug her nails into her skin. Her skin once again frozen and bumpy.
“Shauna what did you put in this?”
Shauna’s lips fell open. “Wh-what?”
Jackie gripped her harder and pulled her closer, so that Shauna could see the blue goosebumps on her face. “You put something bad in here didn't you? I can taste it, did you think I wouldn't notice?
Why would you do this to me Shauna?!”
Shauna’s heart was slamming desperately in her chest. The haunting goosebumps spread to her skin making her tremble in Jackie’s burning cold grasp. “I don't know what you're talking about.” She whispered back sharply. She grappled to try and recoil from her but she couldn't.
She couldn't even look away. Jackie roughly cupped her cheek, her icy fingers sending shivers down her spine. She pushed her forehead against hers. “Were you trying to hurt me Shauna?” Jackie's blue eyes were swimming with overwhelming pain.
Shauna ripped her hand from Jackie's grasp so suddenly she hit the wall behind her, shoved her away and squeezed her eyes shut. “Of course not!”
“Then why Shauna?!” Jackie cried with a break in her voice.
Shauna squeezed her eyes shut tighter.
But when she did the answer took its chance to swim out of its dusty corner to the surface.
So Shauna reopened her eyes and shoved it back in its corner. When she did she shielded herself from Jackie's pain with what she did best.
“Well you used to spike our drinks all the time I would’ve thought you wouldn't mind if I had” Shauna wielded her anger like a dagger.
Jackie gaped at her. “I-!”
But Shauna stabbed again before Jackie had a chance. “You fucking did! You acted like I didn't know anything about that stuff and just pushed it onto me and assumed I'd be grateful! Like you did with everything!” Her voice broke and cracked as she yelled yet she went on.
Jackie stilled, deadly still, stared at her. Was the fire getting smaller behind her? "Fuck you."
“Don’t act like you don't know! You were so bored with yourself that you had to spread your boredness to someone else!” Shauna stared into Jackie's entire reaction as she threw her next horrific thought forward. Shauna watched years of trust shatter like it had been made of glass. It was excruciating but the pent up words continued to run for their life. “You did that until it fucking killed you and now that you're dead you’ll be bored forever.”
Jackie's face relentlessly stared back at her. Blue and frozen and empty.
Shauna braced for a response, a snarky mean comment or comeback or yell that she absolutely deserved but selfishly would feel hurt by every single time. Thats what usually happened. She was ready for it.
But there was nothing.
A horrifying silence.
Shauna stared in horror as Jackie’s eyes brimming with tears looked away from her. Without another word or touch or look or anything at all she stood up and stormed out of the room.
Abandoning Shauna trembling behind her.
Shauna slapped the fear off her face.
It's fine, it was fine, Jackie would come back. Right? She always did, they would fight, she would storm out, then she would come back and they would make up. That's what always happened when they fought.
“Jackie come on!” She called out, rolling her eyes with forced carelessness. “You know I didn't mean it.”
Despite how cold Jackie was, the room seemed to freeze as soon as she left. The fire was now a weak candle, the warm lighting had been sucked out leaving the scenery in icy grey. She reached for her drink but it went cold when it touched her lips and the blankets she was covered in seemed to provide no warmth at all like they were barely even there.
Jackie still hadn't come back inside. Shauna called out again trying to not let the shake in her voice get to her “Jackie can you just come back so we can ta-!”
The windows slammed open, aggressive furious gusting wind ploughed through the room, it blew out what was left of the fire, shattered the drinks on the floor and ripped the blankets from Shauna stinging her with icy cold air.
She scrambled from where she sat, it was no longer safe. She screamed at the door “Jackie please! I’m sorry!”
She lunged forward.
She tried to rip open the door using the strength of every desperate emotion begging to burst inside her.
It wouldn’t open.
She grappled and shook it frantically.
“Jackie let me out! I'm sorry!”
Tears pricked her eyes as the thunderous wind pricked her skin and shoved her into the door like a rag doll.
Holding onto the handle like a lifeline, she took her free fist and banged it on the wooden door making it crackle and creak at the pressure.
“Jackie, I'm so fucking sorry! please come back!”
Shauna screamed so loud she thought her throat might rip apart yet it could barely be heard over the overwhelming roar of the wind. Her streaming tears burned against her cheeks.
She didn't care if Jackie felt like a block of ice; she wanted to touch her again. Even if she hated every word that came out of her mouth she would do anything to hear her again. She wanted- needed to see her undefiled by her blurry memory.
Shauna's vision was almost entirely blurred by her tears so all she could feel was the empty cold wind and her sweaty hands pressing against the door. She leaned her heavy body against it as if waiting to be embraced.
“I need you…” She begged, whispering so quiet it might as well have been silent.
Just as she was about to surrender to sleep
the door clicked.
It was open.
Shauna’s eyes snapped open, awoken by a sudden cold breeze on her face.
Her dream shattered leaving her with empty dark absence.
Shauna’s skin felt clammy and cold, she was shivering and sweating at the same time. Like some bullshit paradox. She seemed to have a lot of those.
She was splayed out on the cold floor of the attic, her blanket skewed away from her.
Taissa thankfully seemed to still be asleep across from her, it seemed she hadn’t been actually screaming this time. So why did her voice still feel hoarse?
Shauna pushed herself up from the creaky floorboard and rubbed her palms into her face hoping to rub away the lingering sensations from the dream. It didn't work, it just made her aware of the headache pounding in her skull and the dried tears on her cheeks and of course as soon as she closed her eyes saw her face.
Shauna released her hands, she stared blankly at the dull wooden walls listening to the hollow pounding in her chest.
Enough. She didn’t have time for this.
The floor creaked louder when she moved again.
“Shauna?” Taissa’s sleepy voice called out.
Ugh. Great job Shipman.
Taissa sat up a little, still showing concern despite her stupor. “Are you okay?”
Shauna was certain that she would never be able to give an honest ‘yes’ to that question ever again. But she didn’t have time to talk about that, not that she wanted to.
“Yeah uh- fine.” She said, trying to ignore how her voice sounded foreign to her. She stood herself up despite her hazy vision. “I think I left some- something outside.”
“Do you want me to co-”
“No. I’ll be right back.”
Shauna shut down, quickly and harshly.
Taissa gave her one more concerned look before giving up and laying back down.
Shauna felt bad.
But she had to go.
She walked to the door with purpose and sighed in relief when it easily opened.
She had to go outside.
She had to find Jackie.
She had felt Jackie. She had felt so warm and alive and real in her arms. She was breathing, she had been breathing! She felt the rise and fall of her chest against hers, she had felt her hair brush her fingertips, the feeling of her against her body and on her arms was imprinted on her skin and it was so warm it was almost burning. She had felt so real! Something about that had to be real or something somewhat tangible, more than her other dreams. How could she have just imagined that?!
Shauna shoveled herself out of the house as fast as she could without waking anyone which was monstrously difficult when every fibre of her being was screaming at her to run.
The harsh frozen wind fired at her skin as soon as she stepped outside. Closing the cabin behind her she embraced it with full force. The wind bellowed at her to stay inside. She bellowed back.
“Jackie!” She called out as her shoes crashed into the snow right in front of where her cooked body once lay.
With the remnant taste of Jackie’s flesh on her tongue, she stomped onward into the night to call out louder. “Jackie!!”
She hadn’t grabbed another jacket or anything, it was fucking freezing. As she searched between the trees her arms wrapped around her torso. The rushing wind simply danced around her, pulling at her clothes and ruffling hair like it was taunting her, bullying her. “Where the fuck did you go?!” she demanded indignantly, kicking the snow when all she got was the wind's noisy whistle as an answer.
She let out a painful whiny noise, gripped her head, everything ached and she felt ridiculous but something in her gut begged her to keep going.
Then Shauna heard a little sound almost drowned out by the wind. It kind of sounded like a laugh. “Jackie?” She desperately whipped around to see something but there wasn’t. She heard it again. She looked again. Nothing. She kept walking. Then running. Shauna longingly ran through and around the trees in tireless circles, frantically looking from side to side through the snowy stormy darkness of the wilderness yearning for even a small glimpse of her all the while periodically screaming out her name getting louder as the wind got quieter. Every so often she swore she saw something but it was so small it could have been nothing.
She ran so far she reached the clearing where ground met cliff.
She slowed down to catch her breath.
She slowly walked up close to the edge with barely a thought in her head.
The edge of her boot pressed against the edge of the cliff where it dipped to the drop.
That's when the wind screamed.
It screamed so hard it shoved her away from the edge.
Shauna screamed back just as loud. “JACKIE!”
Her scream descended into a defeated throat ripping sob just as the wind hushed.
Exhausted by her mind and body she began her trudge back to the camp.
When she made it back she called one final time, a quiet earnest plea for her in the shed where her body had once lay.
“I miss you. Please.”
But the wind was dead silent.
Shauna walked back to her starting point to stare at where they’d feasted.
She remembered the chewy flesh in her teeth and the hot bloody taste of her carnage on her tongue, the cooked skin on her fingertips almost burning her, the sickening smell, the act of digging into a buried ravenous feeling that she’d never expressed before and may never quite so thoroughly again.
Then she remembered that she would never ever be that close to Jackie again.
And she broke. The tears in her eyes shattered apart and cascaded down her cheeks. The cry in the pit of her stomach ripped open in a guttering sob.
She tried to stifle her cries to not be loud but they kept choking their way out stronger each time. She pressed her palms against her eyes in hopes of stopping the teardrops but they kept squeezing their way out like a leak. Shauna mumbled Jackie’s name under her breath like a broken record as if, if she said it enough every horrible thing she did would disappear and Jackie would be alive and be hers again.
She felt a tap on her shoulder.
“Don’t cry silly, I'm right here.”
Jackie whispered.
Shauna whipped her head around.
She wasn't there.
Shauna was about to cry again until she looked down. Her eyes met the exact spot Jackie had sat the last night she was alive. Exactly there. It was burned into her memory. Where Jackie had waited and waited and no one had ever come. She remembered so vividly she'd even imagined what it felt like.
…
Her eyes widened.
Shauna sat down.
It was frighteningly freezing. The cold seemed to be crawling under her clothes, digging straight into her bones, sending shivers running from head to toe. But Shauna could swear there was the slightest bit of warmth coming from where she was sitting. Like when someone's just sat in a seat so when you sit their warmth is still there.
Shauna’s chapped icy lips softly smiled in relief.
Jackie still sat here.
The longer Shauna sat there, the longer she believed it. Because just like Jackie that fateful night, the weather dropped colder with every minute. Her body grew so painfully cold and frozen she could barely move other than the relentless aggressive trembling that relentlessly wracked her. Pulling her clothes tighter around her was a fruitless effort and as her shivering stilled she even began to imagine that no one would help her.
Everything got colder but the seat grew warmer and she wouldn't dare move one inch no matter how much it hurt because if she moved away even for a second the cold would brush that warmth away.
Shauna sickeningly smiled as she soaked in every bit of Jackie's end. The one that she deserved instead.
Shauna had been wrong.
This was the last time she would ever be this close to Jackie.
The sun began to rise announcing that the dreaded end to her night of fantasy was upon her. She would be saved and keep living not being okay ever again because she had to live it alone.
She would pass out then wake up to that reality.
As her eyes began to shut, Jackie’s face flashing behind her eyelids, in her final lucid moment,
Shauna realised she had become so cold that her body was burning hot.
‘Is this what you felt Jackie?’