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Ricky couldn’t breathe. He needed to leave the four walls he was confined in, the constant screams coming from his parents’ room, his mother’s voice wet with tears and his dad’s heavily slurred, being a little too much. He needed an out from the constant stench of alcohol that surrounded his house, so he turned to the one thing he knew would give him peace and blur the sounds and the stench around him, muffle the screams from his parent’s room.
He frantically opened his drawer, the blade he had hidden under several art journals now hard to find. He sighed once the familiar object came into his line of vision, picking it up with shaky hands, he gulped as he dug the sharp object into his wrist, the sound of his heart beat louder than the sound of his dad’s bellowing screams or his mom’s wailing. The familiar feeling of dizziness, head in the clouds reached him, he pressed on harder, slicing his wrist as he felt himself grow tired.
He slid to the ground as he looked at his room’s door, no sounds of his parents but instead, he heard footsteps approaching his room as the door opened to reveal his mom and the last thing he heard was a “RUI!!!” before the darkness took over.
-
Ricky Shen liked to believe he had a happy childhood, a father who played with him, let him dress him up and do his make up with his mom’s cosmetics set and a mother that was there for him whenever he needed her, or even when he didn’t, even when he just wanted someone to have a laugh with.
Things changed when they moved to California, the beach was attractive for a while, before it turned into a nightmare for him. Game nights with his sister, Jess, and his parents were replaced with daily screams.
“Can you please, for one night, just not drink?” his mother would ask as his dad would pour himself the first glass of the night. His father would stare at her with a disapproving look, initially ignoring what she has to say but then, it would escalate as his mother would snatch the glass from his hand and his dad would start screaming. Ricky usually took that as his cue to lock himself in his room with his sister.
Don’t get them wrong, they loved each other dearly, or that’s what Ricky liked to think. His father would set the world on fire if it meant seeing his mom happy and his mom would forget all her treasures if it meant his dad would stay with her forever but there were just some things his dad couldn’t let go of, even at the stake of his wife and alcohol was one of them.
He usually tried his best to not fall to his urges, to not use the blade but his best probably wasn’t enough considering the scars he had around his inner wrists and thighs. He never cut them deep enough to show, just deep enough to hurt. The questions would be too much to answer.
-
Ricky woke up to the sound of a steady beeping around him, bright, white light shining in his eyes making it harder for him to open them.
Was he at the hospital?
He heard shuffling around him and as he opened his eyes, he found his mom looking directly at him, her beautiful, brown eyes red around the rim, tired, skin pale and lips chapped. “R-Rui…” she whispered, her voice dry, as if the last time she drank water was weeks back.
Probably was…
“Mom..” he groaned, his voice just as dry. His mom shuffled around to grab him a glass of water as she rang the bell next to his bed, probably to call a doctor. She handed him the glass as he drank, his mom looking at him with love filling her eyes and all Ricky could feel was guilt.
As he set the glass down, his throat clogged up and his eyes started tearing up, the guilt a little too much for him and he looked at his mom, his vision blurred. He felt two hands wrap around his neck and his mom shaking.
“I-I am sorry, im so sorry” he sobbed as he hugged his mother back and she hugged him harder, fitting her face into his neck and kissing him there. “It’s okay, baby, my baby, I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better mom to you” she said while peppering kisses all over his face, glad to have her son in her arms, alive and breathing.
But you were trying your best, mom.
-
Olivia Zhang was a powerful entrepreneur, she had her own sportswear line that started from her yoga studio, at the age of 25. She was one of the few Chinese women listed under the forbes 30 under 30 magazines but decided to leave all that behind when she met Adam Shen. Leaving her business behind in China, along with her name Zhang and everything she’s ever known to move with the love of his life to California. If you asked Olivia Shen if she ever regretted her decision, she would say, “I have two beautiful children and a lovely husband, what’s there to regret?” but if you had asked Olivia Zhang, her reply would have been different.
If you asked Ricky, he would’ve said “I know my parents love each other but I wish they had never met”
-
Ricky didn’t know if he was happy to have survived or not. What was he to tell his mom, “I am sorry, maa, I am too weak to handle my emotions.” How irresponsible of him to try and kill himself, worse to have survived to see his mom beg in front of him to never do that again. To never try that again, she had held his wrist in her hand and had kissed every scar she could see. “I love you, Quanrui, please don’t do this again, just think of me” She begged him with her hands joined, as if praying and all Ricky could do was cry as his guilt ate him up.
He didn’t deserve that. He was not a good son.
When night arrived, it arrived with his father and younger sister. His father holding one of Jess’ hands while the other held her teddy which she used to hide her wet face. His father, while he played a lot with him growing up, lost him somewhere along the daily fights and the stress of his job. He looked at him with a stoic face, as if he felt nothing and Ricky looked back, trying his best to mirror his father’s expression.
Meanwhile, Jess climbed into his bed, next to him, keeping her arm on his stomach and hugging him. “I thought yo-you left forever, gege, I was so scared” She said, her tiny body trembling a little as she held him tighter, as if he would disappear if she let go. He felt the guilt rising up again.
He was not a good brother.
-
Adam Shen believed he was rich in every sense a person can be. He was rich, in terms of wealth. He was rich, in terms of his physique and he was rich in terms of his words but he felt like the poorest person alive around Olivia Zhang. A woman that moved around with such power in her words that he felt poor with his. A woman people listened to when she spoke, a woman whose pretty eyes were worth more than every last drop of gold he owned.
Adam Shen believed that if he had Olivia Zhang, he would never need a drop of wealth again.
-
Ricky’s mother stayed the night with him, too afraid to leave her son now that he was awake, and Ricky knew she had questions but was probably waiting for him to be ready before asking.
It’s better that way. He thought as he went to sleep
-
Ricky woke up again at 3:15 a.m. His bladder full, the erratic beeping of the machine woke his mother as well, she sat up looking around to find her son, afraid he will leave again but sighed after finding him sitting on the edge of his bed.
“Rui? Wh-”
“Maa, I need to use the washroom” He abruptly said, cutting her off. “Oh? Do you need help?” she asked, her voice calm, “no” Ricky replied as he got up, wrapping his hand around his IV pole, walking out the room.
He sighed once out, the room was too suffocating with the stench of his guilt.
He had no rights to feel guilty.
He walked towards the toilet but stopped when someone called him out, running behind him.
Oh
He looked good.
The boy looked the same age as him, a tube around his cupid’s bow branching into his nostrils, his night wear designed with mangoes and dogs.
“Hi” the boy beamed, smiling at Ricky with his shiny eyes. Ricky raised his hand, waving it a little as a reply.
“Are you new here?” the boy asked as if he had lived here his whole life and Ricky frowned before slowly nodding, still a little hesitant. “That’s sick, bro” The boy replied as he dapped Ricky on the back, pushing him a little.
Weird thing to dap about….
“Are you going to the washroom as well?” The boy asked, practically bouncing on his knees and Ricky nodded again. The boy let out a wide grin and introduced himself, “hi, I’m Kim Gyuvin but people here, in the U.S. call me Kevin”
“I am Quanrui but I prefer Ricky”
“Sick,” Kevin- Gyuvin bellowed as he held Ricky’s free hand, guiding him to the washroom.
Ricky followed him, unable to say anything.
Once done with their business, Gyuvin followed him back to his room, asking him all sorts of questions till he reached the one Ricky dreaded the most, “so, what are you here for?” Ricky felt bile rise up to his throat but thank the heavens above, his mother peeked out of the room, as if to check what’s taking her son so long.
If to check he hadn’t gone and killed himself, again
“Uh Gyubing, I-I have to go now” he regretted the moment that sentence left his mouth, he could visibly see Gyuvin’s shoulders sag and the shine in his eyes droop a little so he added in “I’ll see you tomorrow” and Gyuvin smiled.
Gyuvin Kim had a cute smile
Ricky made a note of that as he walked into his room, his mom looking at him with a questioning gaze but choosing not to ask any questions.
-
He woke up the next morning to the weight of his sister on his chest, her small hands sprawled around his chest as she looked up at him, hugging him tighter as he opened his eyes. “Good morning, princess” he grumbled and she smiled, her front incisor missing, and for a second, he forgot about his regret, forgot that he tried to kill himself 3 days back. She smiled as she sat on his stomach and continued to show him the drawings she made in art class the day before. “Gege, this is you” she said as she pointed towards the tall, stick figure with yellow hair, “and this is me” as she pointed towards the tiny girl next to Ricky, her two pigtails hanging down her head and wearing a pink dress with a tiara.
Princess.
Quanrui Shen’s baby princess.
Ricky would’ve missed her had he been successful.
“Gege, you know,” she started as Ricky let out a hum, to let her know he was listening, “I was so scared when Papa came to pick me up from school” and Ricky’s heart dropped, his hands growing cold. “Papa said you were in the hospital and I was even more scared” tears started gathering her pretty doe-y eyes, eyes that matched his and his mother’s and Ricky hugged her, kissing her cheeks as the guilt set back again. A plethora of I’m sorry, my princess left his mouth.
-
Jessica Shen, more commonly called Jess, was 10, top of her grade, her art teacher’s favourite, loved her older brother. Loved her older brother to the point that when they got into an accident, Ricky was riding his bike and she was sitting behind him, her first response was, “gege, are you okay” her worried, 7 year old, tiny voice trying to find the 15 year old Ricky and Ricky had smiled at her to let her know that he was fine. The 7 year old Jess ignored the throbbing in her knees for her brother who had a far bigger injury on his shin.
Jess loved her brother, her brother who would give her his headphones to drown out their parents screaming, her brother that would hug her to sleep when she got up from nightmares, her brother who taught her how to draw faces. Jess loved her brother to the point that her world shattered as her parents tried to explain the situation to her, too much information for a 10 year old.
“Quanrui gege…. Hospital…. Blood….”. She went to her brother’s room only to find blood where Ricky had slid down and she couldn’t breathe, too much for a 10 year old, too much for a kid.
-
“Ricky, you have a visitor” his mom told him as he sat up from his bed to look towards his hospital room’s door to see who it was. Jess was still on his chest, deep asleep, exhausted. Ricky put a hand on her head to steady her as he adjusted himself.
Gyuvin from last night
“Yo dude, wassup” Gyuvin charmed as he walked in with his IV pole, Ricky nodded his head upwards, as if to reply ‘sup.
He looked at his mom who smiled before exiting the room, leaving Ricky and Gyuvin alone with a sleeping Jess.
“Is that your sister, I love kids!” Gyuvin smiled as he looked at the tiny figure, her chubby face smushed against Ricky’s chest, puffing out her cheeks.
Ricky smiled as he pet her hair, “yeah, her name’s Jessica” Gyuvin’s grin widened as he continued, “damn, I gotta wait for her to wake up then to play with her” and Ricky mirrored Gyuvin’s expression, his eyes lighting up a little at the praise meant for his baby sister.
Yes, his baby sister deserves all the praises in the world, she’s fantastic like that
“You never told me what you’re here for” Ricky’s breath hitched as he heard the question, looking at Gyuvin will hesitancy in his eyes.
Will he think of Ricky as a coward? Trying to run away from his life? Will he think of him as a failure for failing something like an attempt
But as he looked at the top of his sister’s head, all of his fears disappeared as he started “suicide attempt”, he looked up to gauge Gyuvin’s reaction after a few seconds of silence (which was weird, considering how Gyuvin could never shut up)
“Oh…” Ricky scoffed a little before mocking Gyuvin, “yeah, oh” Gyuvin had this pitiful expression on his face that Ricky hated, despised.
Why is he looking at Ricky like that?
“W-why would you want to throw a life away like that?” Gyuvin’s voice sounded fragile, almost broken and Ricky hated it. “I don’t know, Gyuvin, I’m a little sick in the head”
He is, right? Why else would he willingly leave his mother, who let go of her dreams to raise her son, why else would he willingly want to leave his father who, though now distant, was once his fashion model, why else would he let Jessica go through all of that? He has to be sick in the head, right?
Right????
Ricky needed to change the topic, he needed to- “what are you here for?” he asked Gyuvin and Gyuvin smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes.
“I have pulmonary fibrosis” Ricky really wished he had a degree in medical to know what that meant and that probably showed on his face so Gyuvin giggled a little, finding Ricky’s confused expression cute, before he explained, “It’s this lung infection that makes it hard to breathe, there’s no cure for it” he smiled softly as Ricky regretted every decision he had ever made that led to this moment.
Fuck, was Gyuvin dying? And had Ricky just told him how he gave his life away willingly? Fuck!
“So… you’re dying?” Ricky asked, treading the water’s lightly and Gyuvin continued, “well, I might if they don’t find a donor for my lungs soon”
FUCK FUCK FUCK
Ricky nodded as he settled back down. “H-how long do you have?” He whispered, his eyes a little a scared as he looked at Gyuvin’s shining ones. “Maybe a year, I’ve been here all my life so this is like a second home to me”
How is he so happy when he knows he might not exist next year
-
Kim Gyuvin was born with an anomaly, Severe Combined Immunodeficiency Disorder, more commonly known as SCID. His body failed to create T-cells on its own and so, his parents had to fly to the U.S. with all the money they had (which was barely to suffice a month’s meal), to get his treatment. They were successful in getting that treated, his father giving him his bone marrow and saving him but after 15 years of treatment, they had settled in the U.S. the Californian air becoming their new normal and Gyuvin had just started going to an actual school instead of being homeschooled, before he fainted on his way to class, the teachers frantically running around to call the new kid’s parents.
All his expectations for a new start came crashing down on him when his parents sat him down in their living room, his dog, Eumppappa on his lap. “Gyuvin…”
Gyuvin wouldn’t say he wasn’t scared, after spending 15 years in a hospital, what could life throw his way that could be possibly worse than what he has already gone through?
“Are you guys getting a divorce?” He joked to lighten the mood but his father clenched his jaw, as if trying his best to not break down.
“Come on, what is it?” he pressed on, “you have pulmonary fibrosis” his mother had continued, and Gyuvin sighed before asking “so, do I have to be homeschooled again?”
That’s okay, nothing he hasn’t experienced before
“There’s no cure for it” and then it all stopped, his hand that was petting Eumppappa’s head halted as his breath caught up in his throat.
“s-so, you’re t-telling me, I am going to die?” he asked, his voice had trembled a little, “s-so all those years of chemo, they were all useless?”
His parents began, refusing the idea of their only son dying, “n-no, Gyuvin, we won’t let you die. The doctors said we can get a lung transplant, if necessary, in the future, till then, we’ll have to work out a little to increase your lung’s capacity” his mom had explained, “you’re not dying, Gyuvin, I won’t let you” his father stated as he pulled his son into a hug.
-
“How am I still so cheerful? Is that what you’re thinking, Ricky?” Ricky looked at Gyuvin as if he had been caught red handed stealing a cookie from a jar. He nodded and Gyuvin giggled, “it’s because I am sure we’ll find a donor, my parents are rich, you know?” his shoulders sagged a little as he mentioned his parents, “that’s why they are never here, they need the money to find the best donor for me, and even if they don’t, I’ll at least leave knowing I was a chill guy, you know what I mean”
And there it was again, the smile that never reached his eyes.
They stared at each other for a moment, Ricky confused as to how a person like Gyuvin can exist and Gyuvin drinking in all of Ricky’s beautiful features, his round doe-y eyes, strong nose with pretty, pink lips.
How could someone look this pretty.
The reverie was broken by a whimper, Jess squirming on Ricky’s chest as both Ricky and Gyuvin looked at her. She sat up on Ricky lap and smiled, as if relieved “you’re still here, Gege” and Ricky mirrored her expression, “where would I go?”
“Hi” Gyuvin let out, trying to get the baby’s attention and Jess startled, turning her head towards the voice, she shied as she waved her hand, similar to how her brother had done when he first met Gyuvin.
“Woah, she looks exactly like you” Both Ricky and Jessica smiled, their smiles resembling kittens and shit, was Gyuvin fucked?
Gyuvin felt his heart rate pick up as he looked at Ricky smile, his eyes crinkling and before he could stop himself, “you have a beautiful smile” and Ricky stuttered as he looked at Gyuvin who then covered it up by looking at Jessica, “you have a beautiful smile, what’s your name?” Jessica got off the bed as she sat next to Gyuvin on the sofa opposite to Ricky’s hospital bed, “Jess, I am in 5th grade” she replied as she held up 5 fingers to show her grade and Gyuvin cooed, holding her hand and introduced himself.
Ricky admired the scene in front of him, his baby sister playing with this random (cute) guy he just met last night.
Somewhere between this, his mom had entered the room to give him his meds and Gyuvin had to go back to his room to drink his.
-
Gyuvin and Ricky started hanging out more, Ricky had to stay in the hospital for a month since everyone was worried about his fragile health. They ate all the meals together, Gyuvin now ate meals made by Olivia Shen instead of the disgusting hospital food. Olivia had asked the hospital for Gyuvin’s diet, since this boy loved hanging around her son and had brought back her son’s smile, this was the least she could do.
Gyuvin would start his day by inviting (read: barging) himself into Ricky’s room and screaming into Ricky’s ears, asking him to wake up and then would follow him to the washroom while babbling something about this show he watched last night, they both would brush their teeth, laughing while looking at each other’s lather, acting as if they had beards. Gyuvin would then follow Ricky back into his room to stare at Ricky as he drew in his sketch books till Mrs. Shen came back with their breakfast.
Gyuvin, personally, believed Olivia Shen was super cool, with her home cooked meals and her power to handle 2 kids, he admired her even more once she told him about how she was once under the Forbes list of 30 under 30.
Gyuvin and Ricky would eat their meals, Gyuvin staring at Ricky as Ricky ate his chicken sandwich with chopsticks.
“Yo dude, who the fuck uses chopsticks to eat” Gyuvin had once asked, “me?” Ricky had replied, his eyes squinting a little as if judging Gyuvin for asking such a question. “I don’t like touching food with my bare hands” and Gyuvin had smiled, “fair enough, why don’t I feed you?”
Did Ricky hear that right?
“Huh?” Ricky had unintelligently let out and Gyuvin had held his sandwich out in front of Ricky’s face while Ricky had looked at him with big, doe eyes, his lips parted a little.
“Ahh, Rick, don’t look at me like that” do you not realise how weak my body is?
“Like what?”
“Like you want me to kiss you?”
What?
WHAT?
“WHAT?” Ricky had startled, his face turning pink and his eyes widening. “AH JUST EAT” Gyuvin had said as he had shoved the sandwich into his mouth.
That was one time, after that, every morning, Gyuvin would feed Ricky with his two hands, just how he liked.
Post breakfast, both would walk around the hospital, being the only two teens in the hospital could be a little boring so they would just go to the roof and joke around till one of them had to come down for their meds.
Jessica had grown an affinity towards Gyuvin, she would come to the hospital to play more with Gyuvin than to stay with Ricky.
“Your sister likes me more than she likes you” Gyuvin had teased and Ricky had just scoffed, “oh shut up, I am her brother, she made a drawing of us in her art class, has she ever done that to you”
Ricky: 1
Gyuvin: 0
“Well, watch her make me one in her next class, hmph” Gyuvin had sulked, making Ricky giggle.
“Rick, can I ask you something?” Gyuvin had asked once, as they sat on the roof, a bottle of strawberry milk in Ricky’s hands. Ricky had smiled as he had looked at Gyuvin, “why did you attempt to kill yourself?”
Oh….
Ricky hadn’t expected Gyuvin to ask that but what’s the point of hiding it, Ricky told Gyuvin stuff he wouldn’t tell anyone on gun point so this was nothing.
“I am not from the U.S. if that wasn’t obvious” Gyuvin hummed, “I came here when I was 13, with my family but as soon as we arrived here, my father developed a drinking habit, now, don’t get him wrong, he is a fantastic man, he just doesn’t know when to stop and if someone tries to stop him, he turns our home into a hell”
He had looked at Gyuvin, eyes reflecting his fear of what might happen if he told Gyuvin the whole truth.
“The day I attempted, my sister was at school and my parents were fighting again, usually, I’d just cut myself to let the blood drain any feelings out but I just couldn’t handle it that day” Ricky stated, a lump forming in throat, as he showed his scars on the wrist and Gyuvin let out a small gasp, as he held Ricky’s wrist, fingers rubbing over the fainting marks. “Now that I think of it, I feel nothing but regret, I don’t think I deserve all this, my mom, jess coming to play with me daily, I don’t think I deserve it”
He looked at Gyuvin again as Gyuvin brought his wrist to his mouth, leaving a little kiss on his scars as he looked straight into Ricky’s eyes, “I am glad you’re here, Quanrui, and I think you deserve every thing.”
Before Ricky could stop himself, his entire body had shook as he started sobbing, tears falling from his eyes, he had lunged forward to grab Gyuvin into a hug, crying into his neck.
“It’s okay, Ricky, I am glad you lived and I am glad you came to this hospital” Gyuvin had mumbled into Ricky’s ears, letting him know he deserved all the best things in the world, as he pet his hair. Soon, Ricky’s sobs had turned into soft whimpers and breaths.
-
Adam Shen felt like a failure of a father, he had walked into his son’s room after taking him to the hospital, laid on his bed and sobbed his heart out. His hands still trembled from holding his son’s unconscious body close to his chest.
Adam Shen believed he was the richest man alive with a beautiful wife, and two beautiful children but in that moment, lying in his son’s bed, the same bed on which he would let his son try make up on him and dress him up pretty like his mother, he felt like the poorest man alive.
He stood up, looked around the room, to gauge how much it had changed in the past few years, the place where Ricky’s sailor moon poster used to be, replaced with some random painting, his desk scattered, and like an adult, he went to clean it and as he did, he came across his son’s journal, the cover decorated with lipstick kisses.
He opened the journal to find a polaroid on the first page, it was him, wearing a tiara, with poorly done make up, courtesy of his son, who held up two fingers towards the camera, his tiny teeth on display.
Adam Shen’s vision blurred as he continued to find writings messily scrawled all over it alongside little doodles of faces, most of them blurred either by pen scratches and by blade cuts.
I just wish he would stop drinking.
Can he please just stop drinking.
Adam Shen felt like a failure of a father for not realising how his self-sabotaging behaviour was sabotaging his son’s life as well. He held the journal close to his heart and sobbed, begging the gods above for forgiveness.
-
Gyuvin did not wake him up today and that worried Ricky. As he got up to walk up to Gyuvin’s room, he was stopped by his father who had just reached the hospital to visit his son for the second time since he was admitted. The man had a flower bouquet in his hand, baby’s breath, Ricky used to love them growing up, would feed them to the bunnies at uncle Wang’s farm back in China but not anymore since they remind him of China, a place he can never go back to.
His father still viewed him as the little child that would dance to K-pop dances in front of the entire Shen Lineage without any shame.
“That boy, Gyuvin, your mom told me about him, he won’t come today” that settled something akin to fear in Ricky’s heart, “what do you mean?”
“His parents are here, to talk to him about a potential donor” His father explained to him and Ricky sighed, relieved.
“Rui… I need to talk to you” his father was a man that usually looked like he knew everything, from the farthest point in space to the deepest point in the ocean but right now, he looked scared, as if the wrong words would break Ricky.
Ricky gulped before walking into his room, and sitting down on his bed. His father handed him the flowers “baby’s breath, your favourite.” His father mustered up the best smile he could and Ricky felt too guilty to let his father know that the last time he smiled at a baby’s breath was when he was 12. He just accepted them and looked down at his lap, waiting for his father to continue.
“Rui… I-I wanted to apologize” Ricky parted his lips as he looked up at his father, a little shocked. “I haven’t been the best father to you, to Jessica in a while, I am sorry, baby” Ricky could see the tears form around his father through his thick black glasses. His father pushed the glasses up his nose, adjusting them before continuing, “I know we used to be close, remember how you once broke mama’s shadow palette while trying to put it on my eye” he giggled though his voice sounded hoarse and Ricky giggled as well, the memory filling his heart with warmth. “I miss you, Rui, I am sorry but can I have my son back, p-please” His father smiled as he looked at him, eyes almost red and Ricky smiled back as well, “I missed you, too, baba”
Adam Shen will never touch alcohol again.
-
Gyuvin came to Ricky’s room at midnight, jolting him awake, “Rick, we have a donor” He told him excitedly and Ricky jumped, hugging Gyuvin tightly, he whispered into his ear, “I am so happy right now, I could kiss you”
Fuck did he say that out loud?
“What’s stopping you?” Gyuvin asked, his hands tightly around Ricky’s waist as if letting it go would mean this moment would disappear as well. Gyuvin looked deep into Ricky’s eyes, dazed and high. “Have I ever told you how you have beautiful eyes?” Gyuvin continued, bringing his face closer to Ricky’s as his eyes dropped down to his lips, “and even prettier lips” he whispered, his hands holding Ricky’s jaw as he felt Ricky’s breath hitch. “Kiss me, Gyubing” and that’s all it took for Gyuvin to press his lips against Ricky’s, both inexperienced but fuck, it felt as if a million fireworks had gone off inside of their body.
Ricky let out a whimper as Gyuvin tried to deepen the kiss, it was messy, wet with teeth clashing each other’s at some points but it was the best feeling ever.
How has Ricky spent 18 years of his life without tasting Gyuvin. He tasted like the sun on a winter morning in Shanghai. They both giggled as they fell onto the bed, hugging each other and falling asleep.
*there's an alternate ending from here, this part is the happy ending and the part after the next [*] will be the happy ending
Gyuvin was gone, the next morning. Ricky had woken up to the weight of Gyuvin and a feeling of dread in his heart, as if there was an impending doom upon his head. He had looked at Gyuvin with his throat slowly clogging up, somewhere in his heart, he could feel it, the absence of any breaths coming from Gyuvin, the way hand around his waist was cold to touch, Ricky could feel it but he tried, “G-gyubing” he tried as he shook the boy, trying to get a reaction out of him.
But there was no response. Ricky tried, this time harder, sitting up as he rang the bell to call a nurse, a doctor, anyone.
“G-gyubing, you-you can’t leave me” he sobbed as the doctors came into the room, hugged Gyuvin tightly, refusing to let go. Gyuvin’s parents soon arrived and broke down as they looked at the lifeless body of their son.
What are they to do, now, With everything he owned? With his mangas, his journals and the bass on which he had written with a sharpie, “Kim Gyuvin’s; touch and perish”, what were they to do with their son’s vinyl collections and his drawings and his clothes. What were they supposed to tell Eumppappa, the dog their son claimed as his daughter? Her father is never coming back? His decorated room, his phone, what were they to do with all that? Gyuvin’s father hugged his wife as she sobbed to the point she fainted and all Ricky could do was just stare at them, still too gone to focus on them.
What was Ricky supposed to do, now, with the Gyuvin shaped hole in his heart?
-
Ricky was discharged a week later, though, he saw no point in leaving, all he had in terms of Gyuvin’s memories were the photos they clicked as they made their small safe space in that hospital.
Ricky believed it was his duty to visit Gyuvin’s parents and that’s what he did, standing outside their door as he rang the bell. The door had opened to reveal Gyuvin’s mom, who, rightfully so, looked wrecked, as if all the life was drained out of her. He cleared his throat before he started, “Hi, I-I am Ricky, Gyubing’s friend”. The woman’s eyes widened slightly before she moved aside, letting Ricky in.
“I just wanted to know how you were doing” the moment he asked that question, the woman in front of him broke down, sobbing as she looked at him and Ricky hugged her, petting her hair as he let tears pool his eyes.
As she calmed down, and they settled in her living room, she handed Ricky a phone, Gyuvin’s , Ricky could tell by the wallpaper it had (A photo of a greyhound with a scarf around it's neck). His mom opened the notes app and handed it to him, urging him to read it.
“Dear Rick,
My Rick, if you’re reading this, the chances are, I’m already gone or this is 10 years into the future and we’re reading this next to each other for shits and giggles (please god, let it be the latter).
I was never scared of dying, if I were to be honest with you, I had done almost everything a person could’ve wanted to before I was 15, my parents thought it was a blessing that I lived past the age of 10 lolzzz but seriously, I’ve travelled internationally, I’ve drawn, written, sang, played, I have done almost everything a person can want to. I think I was just waiting for the bucket to kick but then you came. I saw you on your way to the washroom with your pretty hair and my first thought was, “yo those are some sick fucking hair, I need to talk to this dude” but then I looked at your face and I realized how fucked I was.
I was never really scared of dying, I still am not, as I am writing this note but the idea of not living with you scares me so fucking much. The idea that once I’m dead, I will be nothing more than the guy you were at the hospital with for a while. Rick, if I really am gone, please, I just want you to know that I love you, and like, really love you, grow old and get kids type of love you, hold hands and go on dates type of love you. Please, please, please dont fprget abprt me.
Ypur bptfriend,
Gyubing.”
Ricky didn’t realise he had started crying, suddenly, the ones spacious room too stuffy, his empty lap now filled with a grey blur that tried to lick his tears up. Gyuvin’s mother came to hug him, to comfort him and Ricky couldn’t help but sob and sob.
Ricky had forgotten what it was like, to live without Kim Gyuvin and he probably will never learn how to, again.
*Alternatively:
Gyuvin came to Ricky’s room at midnight, jolting him awake, “Rick, we have a donor” He told him excitedly and Ricky jumped, hugging Gyuvin tightly, he whispered into his ear, “I am so happy right now, I could kiss you”
Fuck did he say that out loud?
“What’s stopping you?” Gyuvin asked, his hands tightly around Ricky’s waist as if letting it go would mean this moment would disappear as well. Gyuvin looked deep into Ricky’s eyes, dazed and high. “Have I ever told you how you have beautiful eyes?” Gyuvin continued, bringing his face closer to Ricky’s as his eyes dropped down to his lips, “and even prettier lips” he whispered, his hands holding Ricky’s jaw as he felt Ricky’s breath hitch. “Kiss me, Gyubing” and that’s all it took for Gyuvin to press his lips against Ricky’s, both inexperienced but fuck, it felt as if a million fireworks had gone off inside of their body.
Ricky let out a whimper as Gyuvin tried to deepen the kiss, it was messy, wet with teeth clashing each other’s at some points but it was the best feeling ever.
How has Ricky spent 18 years of his life without tasting Gyuvin. He tasted like the sun on a winter morning in Shanghai. They both giggled as they fell onto the bed, hugging each other and falling asleep.
Gyuvin was gone, the next morning. Ricky woke up feeling his side empty and as he walked up to Gyuvin’s room to find him, his nurse stopped him to tell him how Gyuvin had to go into an emergency surgery and how he was getting his transplant right now.
Ricky ran frantically to the surgery room, to find Gyuvin. The chances of a successful surgery was 25%, so there was a 75% chance that the previous night could be the last night he had with Gyuvin and that wasn’t fair! He still had to tell Gyuvin about how he brightens his day up, about how his home back in china had several dogs. He still had to take Gyuvin to China. Ricky frantically searched for his phone to call his dad, to call him here and- and and he didn’t know, just stay there with him.
“Baba, Gyubing, he-he is in the OT, I-I am scared baba”
“Shh Rui, I’m coming, okay?” Ricky nodded into the phone, not that his father could see it, as he saw two people running towards where he was and looking into the Operation Theatre. They both looked panicked so Ricky assumed that they were Gyuvin’s parents. “Are you Ricky?” the man asked and Ricky nodded, the man just smiled at him pitifully before hugging him, sobbing into his neck. Ricky wasn’t a big fan of physical touch but if he was being honest, both of them needed that at that moment.
His own father arrived soon, sitting next to him and holding his hand. “I have met Kevin twice you know”, his father started, looking into his eyes, “sweet kid, I am glad he is your boyfriend”
WHO TOLD HIM???
wait! Now is not the time!
As the indicating light turned off and the doctor came out, he smiled looking at Mr. and Mrs. Kim, “the surgery was a success, he will probably wake up in a day or so” Everyone there sighed in relief as the Kims and the Shens congratulated each other.
-
Kim Gyuvin didn’t think he would live long once he’d been diagnosed with PF. He had given up any hope on finding a donor and was just trying to live his last days to his happiest. That was until he met Shen Quanrui. Ricky was sad, but he was beautiful and somehow, he made Gyuvin want to spend the days he had left with him.
When he met Adam Shen, he had been bent over, trying to breathe as Adam had handed him out a bottle of water, asking if he was okay.
Well, he obviously wasn’t but whatever
He had gone back to his room after the encounter but the moment he entered, he felt a sharp pain jolt up his spine as he fell to the ground. He had sobbed his heart out while on the floor “God, I-I want to live, I-I can’t die, I-I want to live with Ricky”
In his 18 years of life, Kim Gyuvin had never feared death but the thought of not living with Ricky till they were both old and wrinkled scared Gyuvin, to the point he couldn’t breathe.
“God, save me, pl-please, I’ve never asked for anything” he hiccupped as he begged to no one in particular, his lungs failing him. “I really want to live with Ricky” he cried as the doctors had found him, picking him up and put him on the bed to sedate him.
-
Kim Gyuvin woke up in his all too familiar hospital room, the only difference being Ricky was next to him, on his bed, sleeping. He smiled as he looked at the mop of blonde hair and then looked down to see the casual outfit Ricky adorned. The beeping of ECG machine broke the slumber his pretty boyfriend was in.
“YOU’RE UP!” Ricky squealed as he looked at Gyuvin and Gyuvin smiled. They were finally both alive, and safe together. Gyuvin coughed as he smiled and then pointed towards Ricky’s outfit, wondering why he wasn’t in his hospital gown and Ricky smiled, “I am going back, but don’t worry, I’ll visit you daily”
Ricky had left after calling Gyuvin’s parents to let them know their son was awake again
-
Gyuvin Kim was discharged 2 weeks later, with no ticking of a clock over his head and had gone to Ricky’s home for the first time, Jess squealing as she saw her second favourite person in the world. She had sat him down to show him all the drawings she had made of him, Ricky and her’s and Gyuvin had smiled as Ricky came to sit with him, kissing his cheeks. He was happy, they were happy.
-
(and the crowd boos at the writer)