Work Text:
As Izumi listens to the rasp in Leo’s laugh, he thinks he might understand the itch for a pen that Leo seems to feel all the time. Right now, Leo is crouching down to rub the belly of Leon, that Undead underclassman’s corgi. The dog nips playfully at Leo, catching his ponytail and pulling it, almost freeing the hair. Leo just shakes his head to let it down, tucking a strand behind his ear, and Izumi’s fingers flutter by his side.
God, he’s got it bad . Even as Leo drops his knees into the grass and probably stains his pants—which Izumi will end up being the one to wash—he doesn’t feel annoyed. Instead, his chest fills with cloying, warm honey, and he fights to keep his expression neutral. It’s hard not to want to smile around Leo, despite Izumi’s best efforts. After all this time, he’s still not immune.
“C’mon, we’ve gotta go. We’re gonna be late, you know?” Izumi puts his hands under Leo’s armpits, hoisting him back up to his feet. Leo frowns, but follows, waving goodbye to Leon and his owner, as they continue walking towards Ensemble Square. They make it all of one hundred feet away before Leo gets distracted again, dropping to the ground to scribble on a wrinkled sheet of staff paper.
“Seriously! Leo-kun,” Izumi huffs in exasperation.
“Ahhh, just one more minute!” Leo waves him off without looking, swept up in his composition. “The inspiration is flowing, yes!” Leo tucks his un-ponytailed hair behind his ears, but the uneven strands keep falling down into his eyes. Still, he writes on as Izumi watches. Well, he should know by now that once Leo gets going it’s sometimes faster just to let him finish than try to drag him away.
Izumi eyes follow Leo’s thin fingers as they tuck his hair back again, puffing his bangs out of his face.
“Fine, fine. Here, idiot king.” Izumi moves behind Leo, combing his fingers through the silky strands. He swallows as he gathers the red locks, his fingernails brushing Leo’s scalp. He’s just trying to be helpful, that’s all. It has nothing to do with the way his heart picks up as Leo shivers at the touch slightly, leaning back into his hands. Shit, he really, really has it bad. Izumi hurries to finish, tying the hair to the side, ponytail back and out of Leo’s face.
Leo turns back for a moment to look up at Izumi, and the sparkling grin on his face is almost blinding. “Thanks, Sena! I love you~☆” then his attention is back on his paper. And thank goodness for that, because Izumi is sure his cheeks are turning pink, and he looks away quickly, willing them to go back to normal. Ah, Leo really is too much sometimes. What is Izumi supposed to do in the face of the ball of pure light and love that is Leo Tsukinaga? He’s got it so bad for him, and even just that smile and those words has his blood pumping. Is this feeling love? Or maybe this is what Leo means when he has inspiration—Izumi feels like he could write something for Leo right now, something worthy of the fluttering in his chest. Maybe inspiration and love are the same thing, as Leo seems to have more love than he could possibly share while being equally bursting with inspiration.
Maybe it’s something about the sun peeking out from the clouds to warm the air for the first time in a while, or maybe it’s the peaceful sounds of the park mixed with Leo’s humming, or maybe Izumi is just really fucking in love with Leo, but he does want to write a song for Leo. It’s how the composer communicates, how he shares his feelings and his passion. What better way to communicate back than to speak Leo’s own love language? It makes Izumi’s stomach churn to think about confessing like that, to think about confessing at all, but just looking at Leo as he narrows his eyes in focus, tip of a pink tongue peeking out between lips, Izumi feels almost dizzy with affection. It’s terrifying, imagining trying to be honest, but Leo makes him want to be brave.
• • •
Later that night, when Leo is distracted working in his office, Izumi furtively sits down at his vanity in their bedroom, pushing aside brushes and bottles to make space for his secret project. With paper and pencil placed in front of him, Izumi thinks. Writing music isn’t his forte—he and the rest of Knights have little need to, when Leo makes so much all the time. Drumming his fingers on his thigh, Izumi tentatively sketches in the first few bars of a tune.
It doesn’t come to him like lightning striking metal in the way that it seems to for Leo, but the idea is there, humming under his skin when he thinks about Leo’s shining eyes and the way his hair felt under Izumi’s fingertips. He tries not to overthink it, letting his hand move freely, a rhythm and counter-rhythm taking shape. They play opposite and parallel to each other, like two knights dancing side by side. Izumi keeps writing, and they merge together, forming a harmonic unison. He thinks about being on stage, him and Leo under the lights together, standing so close that the backs of their hands brush, eyes meeting for just a second before turning their attention back to the audience. He thinks about peaceful nights in Florence, just the two of them, eating Izumi’s home-cooked meals side by side on the sofa, so close that their thighs touch, even when there’s plenty of space for them to spread out. He thinks about hard days of practice, where the two of them go home together, Leo insisting on staying up to finish composing only to fall asleep twenty minutes in, sliding down until his cheek is resting on Izumi’s lap. Izumi’s pencil moves faster, thinking about Leo’s tears, each one a knife to Izumi’s gut, and he thinks about tenderly wiping each one away with his thumb, imagines cradling Leo’s face in his hands. He writes and writes, with what feels like a lifetime’s worth of memories flashing behind his eyelids, both good and bad. Everything that’s happened has led them to where they are right now. His hand moves almost unconsciously, humming softly along with his writing.
Then, finally, rubbing his eyes lightly, Izumi has a whole piece in front of him, his pencil marks smudged and erased in some places, but still a legible tune all the same. The lyrics he’s roughly plotted could still use some work, but it’s enough of a start. He skims it over, pulse quickening as he feels every bit of love and history he tried to pour into this song, and sets it down gently. It’ll get the message across, he thinks. And isn’t that a scary thought? So consumed in the concept of trying to get this out on paper, Izumi has spared little thought to actually delivering this, what’s basically a confession, to Leo. The courage that had filled his lungs earlier has trickled out a little, and Izumi anxiously traces the border of the paper. Hmmm .
“Sena?” Leo pokes his head into the bedroom, and Izumi straightens upright in a start, hurriedly shoving a nearby magazine over on top of his work.
“What is it, Leo-kun?” Izumi asks, alarm and embarrassment at being nearly caught in his vulnerable state making his tone harsher than he intends. Leo looks at him, but if he thinks something is odd, he doesn’t voice it.
“I’m gonna order food, do you want anything?”
“Hah? We just bought groceries though.”
“Aaah, but cooking takes too long!” Leo whines.
Huffing, Izumi stands, rolling his eyes. “Fine. I’ll prep and chop, you just do what I say and we’ll make food together, alright?”
“Putting your king to work? Wahaha, this king is at his knight’s command, then!”
“Idiot.” Izumi yanks on Leo’s ponytail as he walks past him into the hall, Leo’s yelp and resulting flail taking his eyes safely away from the blooming pink on Izumi’s cheeks. Hiding his expression, Izumi doesn’t catch the curious gaze Leo casts back into the room toward the vanity.
• • •
Leo is out on a job and Izumi is home early, holding his carefully penned sheet music in hand. He looks it over again, reading the lyrics inked between staff lines. It’s raw and honest, and just holding it makes his palms itch as he stands there.
It’s not as if these feelings of his are new. He’s known for quite some time now that the relationship between him and Leo is more than a friend and a friend, grander then an artist and his muse. Even now, they live together in some form of married, domestic life, taking every step in sync. They’ve spent a long time to arrive on this path together, facing trials and tribulations only to emerge on the other side hand in hand. He knows, on some level, that Leo must feel something more for him, too. Their lives are too intertwined for there to be just friendship between them, their bond strengthening and expanding from each time they meet and part and meet again. They’ve been circling each other in constant orbit, two twin moons circling the same planet as it’s propelled along its solar path.
There’s undeniably something between them, and he’s sure both of them are aware of it. Even still, knowing that and holding this paper in his hand feel like different things. There may be something between them, he may hold these feelings, but this is a weapon, a catalyst that he is bringing to the delicate structure of their lives that they’ve built with one another. When he gives this to Leo, there will be no more hiding. He will be baring himself to the sun, and the sun may embrace him in its warmth or it may scorch him to the bone.
He wants to, he wants to shine his face towards the sun and be shone upon in return, but everything is delicate. If he lights this stick of dynamite and places it in Leo’s hands, anything could happen. It’s not just a fear of rejection, though imagining Leo turning him down does make the small, hopeful thing fluttering in his chest clench nervously. He could handle that, he thinks. It would hurt, but Izumi is strong. He could survive that. If Leo takes this weapon Izumi has created and turns it back on its maker, well, it’ll just be one more scar Izumi will bear on his heart.
What really makes his blood run cold, however, what makes sweat gather on his palms and his feet feel as heavy as lead, is the thought of Leo turning that weapon on himself.
Leo, for all his righteous anger and ability to wield a blade in justice, never points his sword at Izumi, not really. He’s far too quick to turn it around, to sacrifice himself, make himself the villain or the one waiting to be struck down upon the alter if it would keep the ones he loves safe. Leo is too ready and willing to give away pieces of himself to make others happy, giving and giving as if he is an infinite well, but Izumi knows better. He’s seen what happens when Leo gives and gives until there’s nothing left to surrender but the vital organs in his body and the very breath in his lungs.
If he thinks it would make Izumi happy, would he give him this too? Even if it wasn’t what Leo wanted, would he give those pieces of himself away, ever smiling even as he cuts away those last pieces of his heart to be cupped in Izumi’s hands?
Searching, thinking, Izumi isn’t sure he can answer that question. And isn’t that too high of a risk to take? The cost is too high, the reward too valueless if what it takes is Leo trapped in Izumi’s selfish demands again. He nearly ruined them once already that way, bringing the two of them to the brink of destruction just so Leo could try to satisfy his bloodthirst. Izumi won’t run them to ruin again. It would destroy him, to be the reason Leo bleeds again.
Hands tightening, the paper crinkles lightly in his grip. And what would it all be for, anyway? Yes, he loves Leo. But what is that worth? Isn’t it rather selfish of him, to try to ask for more of Leo, for more pieces of his life and heart that he hasn’t already given to Izumi? Izumi knows he’s a selfish person. Sometimes selfish is good. But when it comes to Leo…
Things are good between them right now. They’ve reached an equilibrium that took them so long to find. Why would he disrupt it now, when things are finally going so well? This feeling in his heart, the sunflower begging to blossom fully under the sun, it doesn’t have to mean anything.
The warmth that’s been dancing inside him for the last few days wilts. What kind of prize would he be, anyway? What kind of lover would he make? What can Izumi claim to know about love? His love has always been abrasive, hard for the ones he loves to share in. Blame his parents, blame his strict upbringing, or blame the ice that coats his heart, but Izumi is not good at love. And doesn’t Leo, who shines love as easily as the sun emits light, deserve someone equally as warm?
Izumi swallows, lowering the paper in his hand. He had been hasty, writing all this down for Leo. It was a wonderful thought, but it was just that, a fanciful dream. This song, heartfelt even if amateurish, would be best kept alone, imprisoned within his ribs with his weak heart. It’s better, not taking it from his chest and wielding it like a weapon to bring down all that they have built. Everything he has, from this life he shares with Leo, to Knights, to his own pride, he’s not willing to gamble at the cost of Leo’s wellness just for his own selfish desires.
Foolish. He was being a fanciful fool, but he’s sobering up, and it’d be better to discard this now before he ruins it all.
Izumi looks to the trash bin in their kitchen, still clutching that volatile song, but his feet don’t quite move.
Damn his fickle heart . Why can’t he just let it go? But he doesn’t move, his heart beating thump-thump in time with the ticking of the clock.
He stands there, still, torn and troubled when the sound of a key turning in the lock disturbs the heavy silence. Izumi jumps, guilty, song still held tight as Leo waltzes in, shedding a light jacket immediately.
“I’m ho~me, Sena—oh, you’re right here!”
Izumi freezes, heart suddenly going double time, that damning piece of paper clutched between his fingers. He wasn’t ready—he didn’t expect Leo to be home this second, and now he feels like a deer in the headlights, head still spinning with all his thoughts.
He must give something away on his face, because Leo looks at him curiously, scanning him up and down.
“Are you alright? You’re acting weird.”
“I—“ Izumi pauses, unsure what to say. He feels caught, wishing to flee and hide this song away somewhere safe, away from Leo’s knowing eyes.
Leo kicks his shoes off, stepping closer to Izumi, clasping his hands behind his back and rocking on his heels.
“Whatcha got there, Sena?” Leo leans, trying to peer at what Izumi’s holding as he stands still rooted to the spot.
“It’s nothing.” Izumi snaps it behind his back, then curses himself as the suspicious action only makes Leo lean in more.
“It’s your secret project, isn’t it? The one you didn’t want me to see the other day?”
“That’s not—“ Of course, of course oblivious Leo saw right through him when Izumi really needed him to look away.
“I want to see what Sena’s been working on so furtively the last week! He’s really not that good at hiding secrets, you know.” Leo steps right into Izumi’s personal space, making a grab for the paper, so Izumi yanks his hand back, holding it up and out of reach.
“Leo—“ Izumi’s heart is racing, desperate to escape this situation without Leo getting his song. He can’t have it, he can’t read it, not right now, not like this. Leo is undeterred, eyes tracking the movement like a cat with a toy.
Leo gasps, and Izumi winces. “Is that—? Sena, did you write music? Oh, you have to show me now!”
“No, you can’t! Quit it, Leo-kun.” Izumi takes a step back, trying to keep it away, but Leo just follows him, eyes bright with an excited flush on his cheeks.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were working on a song? I could’ve helped you! Or, wait, don’t tell me, it was a surprise?” Leo reaches out again, Izumi resorting to holding it above his head, taking advantage of their height difference.
“I said no. Drop it, would you?” Izumi feels the blood rushing through his body, reddening his ears, making him almost light headed with the speed of his heart. This is bad, this is the worst, Leo can’t read this song no matter what. Leo pouts, lowering his grabbing hand and turning slightly away from Izumi.
“So mean, why won’t you share?“ Leo droops, looking away, and Izumi sighs in quiet relief that he’s giving up. He lowers his arm, making to turn away himself, when Leo pounces.
“Gotcha~!” Turning back in an instant, Leo’s hand shoots out to grab the paper still held in Izumi’s grasp. “Let me read it, Sena, I promise I’ll like it!”
Izumi’s breath vanishes from his lungs, and he tries to yank it back, but Leo doesn’t let go.
“Seriously, knock it off!”
But Leo is undeterred. “Give it here, Sena, just let me see it, don’t be embarrassed!” But Izumi can only double down, his panic only just covered by his anger.
“I said leave it already!” Izumi tugs the paper back harder, panic making his heart race fast. Leo can’t read it. It’s too much, he’s too raw, and once it’s out there Izumi can’t take it back, so he fights for it. Leo narrows his eyes, tugging again.
“Whatever it is, Sena, I’ll accept it, so don’t—“
“I’m serious, quit it—“
“Just let me see—“
“I said, I don’t want you to read it!” Izumi pushes Leo roughly away in the same movement he yanks on the paper, but Leo doesn’t let go and suddenly—
Rip!
Both of them freeze as the page tears jaggedly down the middle, separating bars. Both of them stare down at the half of Izumi’s handwritten music in their hands, breathing hard. Leo, eyes wide, doesn’t move as Izumi takes the opportunity to finally snatch back the other half of his ruined composition, chest heaving as numbness spreads into his limbs. Finally. Izumi looks at the two crumpled halves of a whole in his hands, his pathetic attempt to extricate the way Leo makes him feel, and then looks up at Leo. Leo hangs a foot away, hurt twisting his face. Izumi did that. He made Leo look like that. Izumi drops his eyes back down, face burning. This is exactly why he can’t share this. Not with Leo, not now. Not ever, probably. It’s better this way, if he rids the world of this foolish, hopeful thought, that he could stop making Leo look like that. That there’s a world where he doesn’t hurt Leo. No, it’s better if he buries this song away in his heart, for no one else to hear.
“Sena…” Leo must see some of the hollow anger in Izumi’s face, but it’s not for him, never really for him. Izumi’s knives have always been pointed inwards, aimed for his own heart. If he slices the people around him, it’s only because the knives pass right through the empty parts of him, the holes where the world has eaten away at him and left him riddled. He’s not a real person. He’s a pockmarked, hollow facade of a man, only filled with razor edges and bitter memories, packaged in a pretty plastic face. There’s nothing within him, nothing that Leo should share in. He can’t—won’t—give this last piece of him away, not when all that waits for Leo inside him is this. He won’t, he refuses to burden Leo any more than he already has.
Before Leo can say anything else, Izumi takes the remaining pieces of his song and tears them in half again, and then again.
“Sena! What are you—stop it!” Leo leaps forward, frantically trying to grab Izumi’s hands, but he shrugs him off, tearing the pieces once more for good measure. Leo’s mouth opens then closes soundlessly. “Why would you do that?”
Izumi’s heart hurts, it hurts so much. The empty space within him is nothing but razors, slicing, slicing.
“Stupid. Listen to what I tell you.” Izumi frowns, trying to find his normal breath. “I told you to leave it alone. Besides,” Izumi smooths the front of his clothes, turning away from Leo and walking toward the kitchen. He reaches the trash and doesn’t hesitate. “It wasn’t anything worth reading, anyway.” Away, away, the pieces of his confession flutter down. His skin feels prickly now, too hot, under the weight of Leo’s eyes. He doesn’t look angry. Why won’t he just get angry? Izumi could handle his anger. What he can’t handle is Leo’s sharp green eyes, piercing straight into him. No, not into him. Through him, like Leo can see Izumi for exactly the kind of hollow shell person he is. It aches and aches, the kindness and the pity on Leo’s face, and Izumi can’t bear it. His face is too red and his skin feels paper thin, and if he stays here a moment longer, he’s going to crumple in on himself, folding in like the paper person he is.
Clenching his teeth and sticking out his jaw in what he hopes is a semblance of his normal arrogance, Izumi turns on his heel, snatching his bike keys out of the bowl by the door.
“I’m going for a drive. Don’t wait up for me.” He doesn’t look back at Leo. He doesn’t want to see the damage he’s caused this time. Hasn’t he seen enough already? Better to walk stiffly out the door with his head held high. If he turns, he’ll see Leo’s face. If he turns, Leo will see the glint of tears gathering in his eyes. Nothing about that is acceptable, so Izumi walks out with his head held high and his back to Leo, and he doesn’t let the door slam closed when leaves, either.
• • •
He thinks about making the long drive to the coast to sit by the waves, but he foolishly forgot a jacket and the evening air is cooling too quickly for it to be worthwhile. Just driving in the open air makes the sweat on his skin feel like ice, so Izumi quickly pulls over to stop. This is stupid, running away like this. This whole thing was stupid, from the first moment he put pen to paper to the second he thought it was something he could show to Leo.
Just thinking about the expression on Leo’s face as Izumi had stormed out the door makes his heart clench, and he huffs, gripping the handlebars of his bike so hard that his knuckles turn white. Stupid, so stupid. He breathes through his nose, fighting back the burning in his eyes. He’s got to get himself together. He won’t cry, he won’t mourn something that never even bloomed. Gritting his teeth, he forces himself to raise his head.
This is so stupid. He let his emotions get the better of him in there. He’s not a coward, so why is he running away? He tells himself that, but the thought of going back and facing Leo after what happened still makes him queasy. Another deep breath . No. It’ll be okay. He’ll go back and pretend nothing had happened. Leo didn’t get to read the song, and nothing has to change. Just another Izumi-typical outburst. They’ll move forward, and things will stay the same–warm, but a subtle distance between them still.
That’s what he wants, that’s what’s best for both of them. Izumi has to convince himself of that. Still, that bruised, crumpled, fluttering piece of hope in his chest persists, despite it all. Damn it all. Why can’t the love Leo’s already given him be enough? Why can’t he be satisfied with what he has?
He is, he will be. It’s not worth risking their precarious balance, so he’ll go back in there and proceed the same way he always has. And if watching Leo laugh only ever from an arm’s length away is the cost, he’ll just have to bear it.
Kicking the stand of his bike up, Izumi lets it rumble back to life. There’s no point lingering out here in the cold any longer. Besides, the sun is creeping down in the sky, and his stomach is starting to grumble, and goodness knows he can’t trust Leo to cook a healthy dinner, so he really had better get back.
Steeling his jaw, Izumi sets out on the road, making a U-turn back toward home. He’ll bear it, just as he always has.
• • •
Approaching their front door, Izumi thinks he’s finally gotten his composure back together. It’s fine. It’s not like a fight here and there is that unusual for them. They’ll carry on like normal, just as they always do.
He turns his keys with steady will and opens the door, face decidedly neutral. He won’t say anything, but dinner can be his peace offering, maybe. He’s made up his mind, ready to act out his plan, so being ambushed the second he steps inside makes him stumble back in surprise.
“Sena!” Leo jumps at him, flinging his arms around his neck, burying his face into Izumi’s shoulder with a loud sniffle.
“Ah–Leo-kun?” Izumi almost falls, barely shoving the door closed behind him as his back hits the door. “What are you–?”
Leo just clings tighter, arms warm around Izumi after the chill outside, the scent of his hair right against Izumi’s nose. Izumi’s hands hover, skimming Leo’s shoulders but not holding on.
“I’m sorry.” Leo’s voice is muffled against Izumi’s skin, and he raises his head, looking at Izumi’s face. There’s red smudged around Leo’s eyelids, but his eyes are bright, bright, bright. Leo searches Izumi’s face for just a moment, squeezing his arms tight before letting go.
He turns away, and Izumi has a second of fleeting panic that he’s leaving, he’s turning his back on Izumi after all, but no, Leo just picks something up from the counter and holds it out. Izumi looks at it, eyebrows drawing closer together. It takes him a second to understand what it is, crumpled and shining with plastic tape as it is. He sees the lines of pen on it, and his heart skips an uncertain beat.
His song. It’s messy, haphazardly taped back together, and maybe a little stained, but it’s unmistakable. His pulse slams right back up to its frenzied panic from before, and he’s sure it shows on his face as he snaps his gaze to Leo. Did he read it? He wasn’t supposed to, Izumi thought-
“Don’t worry. I didn’t look too closely. Though I had to a little to figure out which piece went where. But I am a genius after all! I figured it out without giving too much away.”
“You…?” Izumi trails off. That’s so unlike Leo, to show restraint in that way. Leo shakes the paper, and Izumi snaps out of his stupor to take it back. Glancing over it, he sees the shaky lines of his misguided but heartfelt confession. It’s worse for the wear, but it’s intact.
“I am sorry.” Leo shifts, twisting his fingers around. “I shouldn’t have pushed. You clearly didn’t want me to see it.”
Izumi presses his lips together, eyes falling back to the paper, Leo’s intense gaze still too heavy to hold.
“It’s not a big deal.”
“But it seems like it was, to Sena.”
Frowning, Izumi drops his arms to his side, the damning melody of the confession in his hand carrying the same weight as a sword.
“You didn’t have to put it back together. Like I said, it’s not anything important anyway.”
Leo shakes his head, suddenly insistent. “Everything you make is important, Sena. Even an idiot former-king like me can tell that this is something that mattered to Sena. So you shouldn’t throw it away.” Biting his lip, Leo draws in a little on himself. “I hope you’ll show it to me, someday, if you want to. But I should have left it alone. Now it’s my fault that it’s damaged like that. But I wanted you to have it back, so you can choose what to do with it.”
My fault. The words are bitter to the taste, and echo with years of history and hurt between them. And isn’t this just like always, both of them insistent that they’re the one to blame for all the ruin between them? They’ve been working so hard to move forward, but those words again… Izumi can’t stand to hear them, so he protests.
“No, Leo-kun. It was my fault. I was just…” just what? Just afraid? Just not selfish enough, for once? “Just being a cowardly knight.” Izumi feels the heft of this weapon in his hand. He could so easily sheath it, hide it away, bury it in stone for it to remain for a hundred years.
The persistent, awful part of him, buried deep inside, that still hopes, sings. He could sheath this sword. Or, he could do what he intended to do from the start, and give it to Leo. He could let him hold it to his throat and slice.
Leo hums thoughtfully. “My cowardly knight, huh?”
The casual admission of ownership, that Izumi, cowardly or not, is Leo’s, makes something rise in Izumi’s throat, his face suddenly burning. Izumi will never understand how Leo can be so quick to wholeheartedly accept Izumi as he is, ugly flaws and all, but Leo has never hesitated, has he?
Even with Izumi’s acid tongue, and frigid demeanor, and arrogance, cowardice, no matter what, Leo has always embraced him fully.
Izumi wants so badly to be worthy of that. He wants to be someone worthy of Leo’s love, and he wants to be brave.
He wants to be brave, so he surrenders his blade and bears his throat.
Drawing in a shuddery breath, Izumi meets Leo’s eyes. They’re as warm as ever, deep green piercing through Izumi’s paper skin and spearing into his hollow heart. He takes a step forward, closing the gap that had grown between them.
“It’s for you, so you can read it.” Izumi offers the paper back to Leo, pulse rushing in his ears. The desire to run, to flee, to steal away again with this paper is strong, but he stands his ground, awaiting his judgement.
Leo looks quickly between Izumi’s hand and his face, eyes widening just so slightly.
“Are you sure, Sena?”
Izumi swallows, and nods once. Leo takes the proffered paper, his fingers electric where they brush Izumi’s. It’s almost unbearable to watch as Leo looks down, scanning over Izumi’s carefully penned notes, his thoughtfully dictated lyrics.
Leo reads fast, eyes darting from line to line, but his expression stays the same, lips frozen in their neutral line. Izumi is dizzy, but it’s out of his control now, and all there is left to do is fall, and see if Leo catches him.
Leo scans, reading in the language he speaks better than anyone else, and Izumi waits on bated breath. Suddenly, Leo’s eyes are filled with tears, and Izumi’s pulse leaps in alarm.
“Leo-kun?” It feels sacrilegious to break the silence, but Izumi has never been immune to Leo’s tears. Leo’s expression crumples more, and Izumi thinks, oh, I made him cry, I really should run myself through, but before he can make a move, Leo is barreling into him, Izumi stumbling a step back with the momentum.
“Sena, you…” Leo’s fingers dig into his shirt, stretching the fabric as he presses as close as he can. “Thank you. It’s beautiful.” He pulls back, and he’s snotty and even more of a mess than he was before, but there is joy in his eyes. “You really wrote this for me?”
Izumi watches him, still on edge, and nods.
“It’s wonderful.” Leo sniffs, then straightens up, face settling into a serious expression. The evening light shines in from behind him, illuminating his hair in fiery red, and he suddenly looks every inch the regal king he once was. Leo’s hands sneak up to tenderly take Izumi’s face, song still in hand, the paper brushing Izumi’s skin too. He tilts Izumi’s face to look him head on, and Izumi tries to fight back the blood rushing to his cheeks, but it’s futile.
“My beautiful knight.”
Izumi’s lips twitch in the slightest of smiles, and he feels like this moment is stretching out forever, frozen in Leo’s hold. He was so frightened, but with Leo touching him, it’s fallen somewhere behind him, fearful soundtrack muted behind the curtain of Leo’s growing smile.
“Thank you for trusting me with this.” Leo’s eyes are kind, and Izumi can hear the message behind it. Thank you for trusting me with the song. Thank you for trusting me with your heart. And he does. He is and has always been Leo’s, so what else is there to do but give himself fully to his king?
Leo leans closer, pulling Izumi down towards him as he does, and Izumi gets it. Leo’s not going to cut him at all. So he closes his eyes and surrenders, feeling first Leo’s breath on his face and then the soft press of his lips. All the tension bleeds out of Izumi’s body, his hands going limp as the keys to his bike slip out of his fingers.
Instead, he reaches down, cupping Leo’s face in his own hands and kissing back. It’s warm, so so warm, and they just melt into each other. Years of tension and longing well up in Izumi all at once, and he takes a hand to Leo’s waist, gripping tight, and maneuvers them around to push Leo back against the front door.
Leo’s mouth is wet and warm against his, and he chases it all the way back, only finally breaking for air when his chest is squeezing tight. Faces only an inch away from each other, they both breathe hard. Izumi’s hands hold Leo’s slender waist tight while Leo’s clutch at the front of Izumi’s shirt, wrinkling expensive fabric, not letting him move any further away.
“My Sena.” Leo’s eyes are as bright as they’ve ever been. He lifts a hand, stroking Izumi’s cheek lightly.
Izumi’s heart beats a mile a minute. He feels flushed all over, overheated despite the lingering cold from outside. He turns his head to the side, bringing a hand up to capture Leo’s. This feels too good to be true. Can it really be this easy?
“Leo-kun…” He rubs his thumb along the back of Leo’s hand. The skin is soft, pale freckles speckled here and there. Between them, pale, faded scars curve over Leo’s knuckles and thumb, the damage wrought by Leo’s own sharp teeth. Izumi turns Leo’s hand over, looking at those bitter reminders of the past.
“I’ve hurt you before.” It would be easy not to talk about it, but Izumi doesn’t think he can keep it in, not with the fragile way he feels, not with the tender look in Leo’s eyes. It would be too easy, but he won’t hurt Leo again, he can’t.
Leo’s lips twitch downward, some of the light fading in those eyes. “The past is the past. You know I don’t blame you for any of it.”
“You should.” He can’t help arguing. He has to, since Leo is so determined to not look out for his own self interests.
“Haven’t we had this fight enough times?” Leo huffs lightly. His free hand brushes Izumi’s temple, smoothing his hair back.
They certainly have. They both know; that Leo only blames himself, and that Izumi insists on carrying the fault. And what’s the point of arguing it further? They both know, they both forgive. It’s not Izumi’s point.
“I can’t do it again, Leo-kun. I can’t be the instrument of your destruction.”
“Mmm, but there’s no sword I would rather be cut down by than Sena’s.”
“Leo-kun. ”
“I know, Sena.” Leo turns his hand around, entwining his fingers with Izumi’s. There’s quiet, as Izumi watches Leo, that desperate, hopeful thing in Izumi’s chest so close to breaking free.
“Tell me that this is going to be okay. Tell me that it’s what you really want.” The words are desperate and haggard, but Izumi has to know. He has to be sure, he has to know that this isn’t the beginning of the latest hell Leo lets Izumi drag him into. “I have to know that this is what you want.”
“Sena… my Sena,” Leo whispers so lowly that it must have been just to himself. Then, louder: “Silly Sena. How could you not know? There’s no future for me that you’re not in.”
Izumi swallows, feeling the warmth of Leo, his hand, his breath, still so close. “It doesn’t have to be like this. I… there’s no future for me without you, either. But that doesn’t mean you have to—you have to be—we have to—” He’s floundering, but he has to be sure, or it’ll haunt him for the rest of his miserable life.
“Sena.” Leo brings him back with a firm word. He searches Izumi’s face, drawing Izumi’s attention all the way back in until he’s certain he has it all. He leans imperceptibly closer. Izumi stops his rambling, looking at Leo’s eyes flicking back and forth over his face.
Then, Leo closes the gap, kissing Izumi once again, firm but chaste. Leaning back, his brows are firm, expression steady. “I want this.”
Embarrassingly, Izumi feels his lip tremble. Ah, it really was unavoidable. Izumi squeezes Leo’s hand tight, feeling his vulnerability laid plain across his features. When he speaks, his voice is wet and small. “Really?”
Where Izumi is shaky and uncertain, Leo is nothing but warm and sure. “Really. Really-really.”
Everything inside Izumi is a mess, and it spills outward in wet tracks down his cheeks, but he’s sure Leo doesn’t mind.
Leo smiles, and it’s as bright as the sun and twice as warm. “I love you, Sena. I have always loved you.”
“Leo-kun…” Izumi can’t keep it together, and a choked-back sob makes his voice hitch. He pulls Leo in, until there is no space between them, their limbs wrapping around one another until they’re just one beating heart.
“My Sena,” Leo whispers into Izumi’s neck, and Izumi’s head bobs with a nod.
“My Leo.” And doesn’t he like the sound of that?
They are warm, they are close, and Izumi doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to let go of Leo after this moment.
He can’t know for certain, of course. They can make all the assurances in the world, but only time can truly tell. And yet, here, with Leo as close as he can be, and the taste of his lips still on Izumi’s tongue, Izumi feels brave. He feels brave enough to find out, to boldly take Leo’s hand in his and walk together into their future.
They may meet disaster yet, but for tonight, Izumi feels safer and warmer than he ever has before. They can’t know what the future will hold, but he finally feels ready to go, arm-in-arm, side-by-side with Leo, and face it head on.
Only time will tell, and as the two of them lock the door and disappear into the bedroom, Izumi knows—they have all the time in the world to find out.