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1. Bookshop
According to the website of the World Animal Protection, 'reptiles have complex species-specific needs' and Crowley, who preferred to sleep in his snake form, found himself agreeing. And while the bookshop wasn’t as warm and humid as Crowley’s scales would have liked, it was still one of his preferred napping spaces—second only to the vacant enclosure for the Round Island Boa in the Reptile House, which the Royal Zoo had strangely built and maintained even though the last one had been sighted in the 90s.
So imagine his dismay, when he awoke to Aziraphale’s ‘something’s wrong’ voice and that of someone else. Crowley narrowed his eyes in a way no other snake could: at all.
A snake on a mission, Crowley quietly slithered over to the spot where Aziraphale was arguing with a customer and got ready to descend.
“Can’t you at least check in your computer?”
“My good sir, I can assure you we don’t have that volume.”
“I’m sure I saw it here last week. Can’t you check if y—aaAAAAAAHHHHH!”
Crowley wriggled lazily on the counter he’d just dropped onto, unimpressed by the guy’s reaction. Aziraphale looked merely mildly surprised at the six foot snake in front of him. “Oh dear, are you alright?”
“NO, I’m—ARE YOU TALKING TO THE SNAKE???”
“Why yes. He’s the one that fell, isn’t he?” Aziraphale said evenly and looked at Crowley, who was sticking his tongue out at the customer. “I don’t understand how you can sleep on the ceiling. It looks dreadfully uncomfortable.”
“What kind of bookshop is this?? I’m calling the authorities,” the man said and left the bookshop with newfound resolve to do no such thing, actually.
“Pers-sssistent, that one, eh?”
“Oh, you have no idea. Simply would not leave. That was very, well, not nice of course, but I do appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome,” Crowley said and slithered away again.
“And where are you going?”
“Behind the Au-ssssten ones-sss.”
2. Talisker
Anyone who had worked in retail for as long as Jacob had knew that somewhere along the line, the behaviour of other people ceases to shock you. The voice in your brain that normally tells you that ‘this is odd’, ‘this is weird’ or ‘what the hell’ is slowly replaced by one that says ‘I guess’, ‘just 172 more minutes’ and ‘where’s the mop’.
A paying customer’s a paying customer, so who was he to judge if they looked a bit odd? He wasn’t being paid to care. If other customers had a problem with it, they were welcome to leave. He wouldn’t mind that, actually.
So while two screaming customers dropped a bottle of cheap wine on their panicked run outside, all Jacob thought while he accepted a generous tip from the red-bellied snake in front of him for that bottle of Talisker was ‘I guess’, ‘just 172 more minutes’ and ‘where’s the mop’.
3. Zoo
Due to budget cuts, the London Zoo had been forced to reconsider its spending, which is when the strangely vacant area in the back of the Reptilian House was noticed. Not that anyone had told Crowley.
When Mark had scored a job at the London Zoo it had been a dream come true. Getting to work close to so many different species of animals, getting to watch them every day had been so exciting. Now, years later, he had to admit he was slightly disillusioned. Every day really was the same now and there were so many things he wanted to change that management just ignored. So imagine his surprise when he found an empty area during a complete assessment he’d been tasked with.
Mark held the door to the Reptilian House open for Zach. “I can’t believe we never noticed this. I’ve worked here almost four years.”
“Yeah, weird.” For Zach, this was just a job, while his true passion lay with restorative goldsmithing.
“Huh, oh look, there is a snake! How did it get back here?”
“At least it hasn’t starved.”
“…Does that snake have eyelids?”
“What? … Oh, it’s probably a salamander, then.”
“Or a demon,” it said and opened its eyes mightily. They held eye-contact for a solid second and then ran away screaming. Good, because the reptile in question couldn’t hold the laughter in any longer. Really, it was their fault. Something something, let sleeping snakes lie, wasn’t it? Ugh, good things can never last. Time to find a new lair…
4. Kingdoms
“Satavan—ngk, wait. Satana—“
“That’s you!”
“No, it’s my boss. And it’s not. It’s people. Ugh. Satavaha—“
“You’ve had too much wine.”
“…Satavaha-hey! No such thing. Now stop stealing my thunder!”
Jesus raised his hands innocently.
“Thank you. Anyway, where was I, get ready for the amazing kingdom of the…” Crowley dramatically flicked his hair over his shoulder and snapped his fingers. “Satavahana!”
Jesus looked around. They were still in the field, only that one of the small rocks had just turned into a loaf of bread.
“But I said it right this time!”
“You’ve had too much wine, my friend.”
“No sss-such thing.” Crowley looked irritated and snapped his fingers again. A rubber duck appeared next to them and he stared at it in confusion. Jesus laughed.
“Okay, okay, next kingdom in a minute. I wanna sss-sober up naturally.”
“If you say so.” Jesus picked the rubber duck up and put it on his forehead.
“Sure you don’t want any wine?”
“I’m fasting, but thank you.”
“Sss-suit yourself.” Crowley snapped his fingers and the jug of wine refilled with water. “Tsk, screw this. No, don’t look like that, I’ve got it.”
Jesus shrugged and lay back, balancing the duck carefully. “This is going to take a while, isn’t it?”
“Probably. Lots of kingdoms in the world. Why, have anywhere to be?”
“Well, I’ve got a wedding in six weeks, actually.”
“Oh?”
“Not mine. Friend of my mother’s. I can probably miss it.”
“Alright, six weeks it is. Let’s get a wriggle—” Crowley snapped his fingers again and suddenly there was a loud thud.
“AAHHHHH!” A nearby man screamed at the massive 12ft snake that had just appeared.
Jesus looked over at his long companion and laughed. The rubber duck fell to the ground. “It’s alright, he’s just had too much wine!”
* Angry Hissssss*
5. Artwork
sculptures in a park
copper coil on a plinth
it yawns*
+1
Aziraphale was tidying up the bookshop (i.e looking for a specific book and causing more disarray), when it struck him: The stockings! He hadn’t filled Crowley’s yet! He had one for every one of the shopkeepers on the street as well as some of his regulars and friends. It was a nice way to keep in touch and make the bookshop look a bit more festive. And to keep Christmas interactions brief: ‘Ah, thank you for dropping by. Here’s your gift. Now don’t let me keep you.’
However, when he went to fill Crowley’s, the stocking emitted a startled and cross hisssssss, now writhing. Aziraphale chuckled and pulled Crowley out, who was still in his sake form and looked deeply offended.
“I am sorry, Crowley. I didn’t expect you in there.”
Crowley glared at him the only way a tiny snake could: barely.
“Can’t a sss-snake sss-sleep anywhere in peace-ssss? It even has-ssss my name on it.”
“It does, but you could have still let me know you’d be in here. I’d have made tea.”
Crowley hissed again, a noise that intensified when he was ploinked back into the stocking.
“But suit yourself,” Aziraphale said and left.
Had he stuck around, he’d have been able to witness little puffs of fury/smoke leaving the stocking. Alas, as it were, Crowley’s anger went unnoticed.
Yup.
This was it.
Next year, he was wintering on Alpha Centauri.