Archive of Our Own

Wade:

Wade was large for a seven year old. His father was a huge man and his momma said his big frame was because he was like his daddy. Wade didn't much want to be like his daddy but being big did have its advantages. Number one being that other little kids didn’t mess with him. Wade may be missing one of his front teeth but he was still intimidating. 

So when he saw a tiny little kid being pushed around on the playground he knew his time had come. He read comic books. Well, he looked at the pictures. He loved Captain America. Now he was going to do what the Captain taught him. 

“Hey, leave him alone!” He charged at the kids laughing as they all ran screaming. Leaving him in front of the little boy with huge glasses that magnified his already huge brown doe eyes. 

The little boy sniffled. “Thanks.”

“Not a problem. Don’t know what they were doing picking on a toddler, it is weird.”

“I am not a toddler, I am five!”

Wade looked down to the kid skeptically. “Are you sure?”

“Yes! I am, just… Mum says it is because I was sick when I was born. I will grow just maybe later. Why is a ten year old hanging around the little kids playground?”

Wade snorted.  “Now who is getting things wrong. I am not ten, I am seven. I guess I got all the growing you didn’t.” Wade smiled widely at the kid, feeling elated when he received a smile in return. “I am Wade!”

“Peter.”

Wade gladly took the small hand in his and shook it crazily earning a giggle from the kid. “Do you want to be friends Peter?”

“Really!?”

Wade nodded.

“I have never had a friend before!”

“You will never need another one! I am going to be the bestest friend ever!”

--

Peter became Wade's best friend. The little guy Wade would protect with his life. The kid who Wade got into scraps over frequently. The kid who became his neighbor. The kid who was way too smart for someone so young. 

Wade spent every possible moment with Peter. 

He walked home with him every day hand in hand. Wade ate dinner over at the Parkers as much as he could. Their food was much nicer than his at home and dinner had a lot less yelling.

When Wade was eight he started sneaking into Peter's bed at night when his parents were yelling and he couldn’t sleep. He would climb out of his window and over the fence and into Peter’s window. 

Miss Parker caught him on the third night. 

“Wade, what are you doing here? I don’t remember a sleep over being discussed.” Wade didn’t know what to say. He was still upset about the yelling he had fled, his hands still shaking a little bit. Peter sat up from next to him.

“His parents are bad. They do mean things and make lots of noise. He sleeps better here. Can he stay?”

Miss Parker only looked at Wade gently and nodded. Wade wondered if all adults could see what his parents were like and chose to do nothing or if only some adults were like the Parkers and most just didn’t notice. 

Peter and Wade were separated for the first time just after Peter's sixth birthday. It was all because of his stupid dad. If he wasn't such a bad man he wouldn’t hurt his mom or Wade and the school wouldn’t have called those ladies with the badges and no one would be taking Wade away from Peter. He snuck away when he was sent to collect his things from his room. 

“Peety!” He said from Peter's window ledge, startling the kid from his drawing with the new crayons Wade had taken from that rude kid Eddie to give Peter for his birthday. 

“Wade! I told you not to scare me like that.”

“Sorry Peety. I have to be quick. They are going to take me away.”

Peter frowned. “Is it the CP..um CPS? I heard my parents talk about it. They take care of kids who have irrisponce.. Umm irri.. You know, not good parents.”

“But they are taking me away Peety!”

Peter put his crayons down and faced Wade, crossing his legs amongst the papers strewn around. “Mom and Dad wouldn’t tell other adults if they weren’t protecting you.”

Wade frowned, picking up a piece of Peter’s art. It was a cool spider. 

“But who is going to be here to protect you, Peety?” Wade felt Peter's stubby fingers reach out and gently brush the bruise on Wade's jaw. 

“Someone’s going to protect you now Wade. I think that’s great.”

“I can protect myself! You say I am your personal Captain America! You made me a shield and everything.”

Peter laughed and scooted himself closer to Wade flopping his head to the side and leaning in trying to catch Wade's eyes that were glued to his hands in his lap. 

“You can’t be my Captain America if you are hurting Wade. Now where is this cool place they are taking you?”

Wade frowned. Peter was the little kid here; it was no fair when he was all reasonable. “Queens. I have an uncle who lives in Queens who wants to take me. He is nice. I see him at Christmas.”

Peter beamed. “Queens is great. My uncle Ben lives there! We go there sometimes because it is cool. The only thing you will miss is the real Canadian maple. WAIT!” Peter startled Wade as he whipped around hastily grabbing some paper and a crayon. “Here I will write down my address and you can send me letters and I will send them back!”

Peter shoved the paper in Wade's hand, squeezing his hand for a second before letting go. “I promise this is going to be a good thing!”

--

It felt like a good thing for a while. He missed Peter but the letters helped. He got one a week. And he didn’t miss his dad; he missed his mom sometimes but she really didn't spend much time with him in the first place. His uncle was fine. Kind but not very present. It was good for Wade, he could do his own thing. 

But then Peter's letters stopped and Wade felt lonely and worried. Why would Peter go silent on him? He wrote letters but he didn’t get any response. After two months he was angry. He decided halfway home that he should find Peter’s Uncle and give him some unkind words to give to Peter. He stormed down streets of Queens near the sandwich shop Peter had said was nearby for hours checking the names on the mail in mail boxes looking for a Parker. When he finally found it the sky was getting dark and he knew he was past curfew (apparently eleven was still too young to be out after dark). When he knocked on the door and found Peter looking back at him his anger evaporated. 

Peter looked broken. His big brown eyes behind those stupid glasses were sadder than Wade had ever seen.

“Peter, I told you not to answer the door without an adult present”

Wade didn't look up to the man who was approaching, eyes fixed on Peter in front of him.

“Wade?”

“Yeah it is me Peety.”

Peter slammed into Wade and squeezed. Wade pushed his face into Peter's fluffy hair taking in his scent. He hadn’t realized how much he missed Peter's physical presence. He squeezed harder when he felt Peter tremble in his arms. He looked up at the man standing in the entryway watching the embrace. 

“You must be Wade Wilson. Peter talks alot about you. I’m sorry he hasn’t been responding to your letters lately. He has been having a hard time.”

“They're gone,” Peter whined out into Wade's arms. 

“Who’s gone?”

“Mom and Dad. They left and they never came back. And you left and I thought if I sent you a letter you might not come back too.”

Wade squeezed Peter tighter letting tears fill his eyes. He saw the man who must be Uncle Ben wipe at his eyes, before moving to close the door behind them. Wade just stood there, eventually curling to the ground when Peter did. He just held him and let him cry. Just as Peter had when Wade would crawl into his bed at night. 

The Parkers had died in a plane crash. Peter was now living in Queens with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Wade promised he wouldn’t leave. He was only one block away. Fate may have hurt Peter but at least it brought them back together as a twisted apology. 

Wade let Peter hold onto him even tighter than before. He had heard May call them ‘codependent’ in a concerned tone once or twice but she stopped when Peter came home with a red arm from a school bully and Wade told her proudly that he had given the bully a huge wedgie for it. 

School was hard for Wade but Peter loved it. By the time Peter was ten he could read twice the speed Wade could. Wade struggled heaps and his uncle sent him to some weird head doctors who said his brain was funny. They gave him things to help out and pills that made his brain feel quieter. Peter dragged Wade to the Library and checked out every book on ADHD and Dyslexia they had. He was insistent that he could protect Wade in his own way if Wade let him. 

Peter read all his school books to him. And color coded notes for him. Wade loved to listen to Peter read. Going to the library to pick out a book to read became something Wade loved to do. He would meet Peter at the library after he had basketball practice. 

Then one day Peter was already talking to someone else. 

Wade didn’t like Skip Westcot. His uncle said he was jealous because Peter was spending time with someone else. Someone who could keep up with Peter intellectually. Wade didn’t think nineteen year olds usually spent so much time with ten year olds for fun. His dad had taught him an important lesson about how bad adults can be. He would reserve judgment until proven. 

Wade bit his tongue when Peter excitedly told him that Skip was going to babysit him for the night. Peter seemed so excited. He wasn’t like Wade, he had no other friends yet. He deserved more. But when Wade went to his room after school he couldn’t quell the anxiety in his gut. He ran the whole way to Peter's place. He used his key and let himself up to Peter's room. 

Skip was on top of Peter. 

His hands were in places you are not meant to touch on other people without permission. Peter was crying. 

Wade doesn’t remember much of what happened next. He remembers yelling. He remembers the feel of Skip's nose crunching under his fists. He remembers being gratified that he was winning against an adult man. Remembers thinking if he would have been able to stop his dad this easily. He wouldn’t have been smaller then and his dad was a big man. Skip was weak. He cried after the fourth punch. Wade was slammed into the wardrobe door by Skip and it broke open on impact. Wade tumbled up ready to attack Skip again but he was gone, feet pounding down the stairs. Wade wanted to chase after him. Wanted to hurt him more. Wanted to hurt him badly. Really bad. But Peter was crying and his nose had started to bleed and there was a wheezing from his chest and Wade realized he had probably panicked himself into an asthma attack. 

Peter came first. 

He always would. 

When the Parkers came home, Peter was breathing fine again but still hadn't said anything yet. Wade tried to tell them what happened but didn’t get too much out after describing what he walked in on. 

The police took photos of Wade's bloody knuckles after they took photos of the bruises on Peter's thighs and neck. 

Skip was never charged with a crime. Wade learnt that money was more important than justice sometimes. 

He took up kickboxing. Next time something bad happened Wade would hurt them so bad they wouldn't hurt others again. And he would always trust his instincts about people. 

He slept in Peter's bed again for the next six months because Peter said it made him feel safe. The counselor lady at school said Peter feels safe with him because Wade was the one to stop the assault, but he also needs to learn to feel safe without him. Wade said he doesn't because he was never going to be without him. 

--

Peter: 

The years before Peter was twelve are a fuzzy haze of pain and fear. He tried desperately to remember the times when he had his parents. When things were easy, when this body felt fully his own and people on the streets were not a threat. But the feeling was foreign to him. He tried to conjure his mothers face but by the time he turned twelve all he could see was May. He tried to think about his father but couldn’t even get the thought of calling someone dad to cross his mind. Uncle Ben was enough. He was more understanding and present than any of the vague memories of his father he has.

What he does remember was Wade. The beaming gap toothed smile of a young Wade was crystal clear in Peter's mind no matter how old he got. He can remember writing those crayon notes to Wade so clearly he could recite the stupid details he would include with ease.

Wade protected Peter from the worst of people. Knew the worst of Peter. Knew he cried a lot, that sometimes the world would be too much and Peter would curl in on himself until things felt quiet again. Knew Peter would get so overwhelmed that he would pinch or bite or smack  himself until the pain grounded him into the moment. Knew that someone once touched Peter and made him feel dirty. Yet he never once looked at Peter in the wrong way. Other people would look at Peter and see something wrong. Something Peter didn’t quite understand, like they could see it, that differentness about him just by catching his eye. Ben and May were great, yes, didn’t judge that about him but sometimes they would give him a look. After his parents it was a look of pity, after Skip it was pity and also guilt. It made Peter afraid to look people in the eye. Afraid they would look in his eyes and see the broken thing that was making them uncomfortable. But Wade didn’t make Peter feel that way. Peter could look in his eyes forever. Because when Wade looked at him Peter didn’t feel seen though. He just felt seen. 

He saw Wade too. Saw when Wade was disappearing into himself the way Peter felt himself do sometimes. Gave Wade things to hold, picked up Wade's hand and played with his fingers until the sensation grounded him. Bit at Wade's knuckles when he knew Wade was going somewhere bad, bit hard enough that Wade would wince and suddenly come back to him. Wade bit his own hand sometimes like Peter, using pain to ground himself but it was absent minded it was expected. But when Peter did it Wade would always come back right away. 

Sensation was the fastest way to get through to Wade. Hugging him, holding his hand, playing with his hair and physical touch was something Peter knew he craved, something Wade was always seeking out. Peter would go searching for rocks with the most interesting texture to give to Wade so he could hold it in school and focus in class. Give him gum to chew on and ask him to run around when they played so Wade would work off that energy. 

Peter remembers the first time Wade got into a fight because of that energy, because of Peter. The panic that gripped his little nine year old heart. How quickly he learnt to bandage bruised knuckles and clean cuts. People had always been mean to Peter, and Wade was always defending him. That bundle of energy snapping at everything whether it be a good snap like a sudden hug or tears at an emotional moment, or a bad snap, punching walls or people when something frustrated him or scared him. He only got more defensive of Peter the older he got. 

By the time Wade was fourteen, Peter could remember more times Wade had come to him bruised in defense of him than he remembered his own parents. 

Peter had his first kiss at twelve. He had planned it quite meticulously actually. It happened because of something May had said. Peter had come inside later than usual after playing some basketball with a neighbor's daughter. Well, he passed her the ball while she threw hoops. 

“That neighbor's girl is pretty Pete. You could ask her out on a date. Give her a kiss?” Ben had chuckled in an attempt to embarrass Peter. He only furrowed his brow at Ben. May smacked him in the arm with a kitchen towel. 

“Don’t tease him, Ben. Besides I remember Peter telling me when he was eight that Wade Wilson was the prettiest person he has ever seen. I doubt she holds a candle to Wade in Peter's eyes,” May said, chuckling along with Ben as Peter's face flushed.

“I thought you said no teasing May!”

She only laughed at him gently patting his arm. Why did that make him so uncomfortable? Wade was pretty. Peter was allowed to notice that right? He mulled his thoughts over though dinner thinking back to the romantic movies he and May watch together and to Wade. 

Ben came to say goodnight and sighed when he looked at Peter. “Okay you have had that over thinking look on your face all night Peter. What is it?”

“You know what May said earlier…”

“About you and Wade?”

“Yeah,” Peter said. Ben nodded, sitting down on Peter's bed next to him. “What if… well say I… you see I don’t want to ask the neighbor out on a date or give her a kiss. What if I wanted to give Wade a kiss? Would that be okay?”

Ben reached out and squeezed Peter's knee. “Peter, that would be fine. If Wade wants that. Which I think he might. I would be very happy for you to get closer to someone who I know loves you so much. I mean you’re twelve I don’t want you kissing too much…”

Peter shoved Ben, rolling his eyes ignoring his flush. 

“You could never disappoint me Peter. And Wade is a fine choice for a crush… love.. I don’t know what you kids call it.”

Peter laughed. And flopped back on his bed. “Okay I am going to sleep now. You can go before you embarrass me more.”

Ben laughed and left his room.

So Peter made his big plan. The plan to kiss Wade after the movie on saturday. But Parker luck ™ ruined things for him.

The bullying for Peter continued no matter his location or age. Wade was a freshmen now so Peter was left at school without Wade. This meant that he didn’t have any back up. Which meant when Peter had stopped Flash Thompson from pulling a girl's pigtails he got a strong right hook to the face and left the ‘fight’ with a split lip, cut eyebrow and cracked glasses. It was Friday. No way was he going to be ready for Saturday! He scurried to his room right past May and Ben avoided them seeing his face and closed the door as quietly as he could. He thought he had successfully snuck into his room when he almost jumped to the roof at a voice behind him.

“If I didn’t know you better Peety I would think you are trying to sneak away from your aunt and uncle.”

Peter snapped his head around to see Wade sitting comfortably on his bed. He was momentarily wearing a smirk that left as suddenly as he leapt from the bed grabbing at Peter's chin. 

“What in the ass… Peter what… who?”

Peter shrugged from his grasp shuffling to his wardrobe to deposit his backpack. “It’s nothing. Just the usual you know. I just don’t have the muscles to deal with it like you do.”

“You shouldn't be dealing with it at all Peter. What did I say about protecting you Peter. You help me with my dumb brain. I help you with the ass hats who go after you.”

Pete sighed. “Your brain isn’t dumb Wade you have ADHD and Dyslexia.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“It’s fine Wade.”

“Tell that to your beautiful face.”

Peter shrugged and sat on his bed. Watching as Wade opened the door to his little bathroom and returned with a damp cloth. Wade gently pressed the cloth to Peter’s brow, Peter hissed at the pain. 

“Weird to be on this side of the scenario. I am usually the one patching you up after you get into a stupid fight.”

“I prefer it when you are the one playing doctor.”

Peter tried to look into Wade's eyes but he was scowling deeply examining Peter's face. “Don’t look so sour Wade, it was a small scrap with an asshole. I promise I am fine. You don’t have to be there to be my hero all the time.”

“I like being your hero.”

“Would you be okay just being my friend sometimes?” Peter asked stopping Wade from wiping at his face by gripping his hand. 

“I would be happy to be your anything Peety.”

Peter caught Wade's eyes. He looked so earnest. Peter didn’t even think, he just leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to Wades like he had seen May do with Ben. To tell Wade he loved him. Peter pulled back quickly. “Sorry.”

Wade smiled and gave Peter a quick kiss, then one on his nose, then one on his forehead, then each cheek until Peter was a giggling blushing mess. 

--

Highschool really wasn’t Peter's good years (when were they?). He never really grew much, he was always skinny, his arms and legs were long yet, he wasn’t all that tall and his hair only got wilder. Wade insisted it was adorable but Peter hated it. Bullies never ceased name calling or shoving around and Peter did everything in his power to hide it. It was easy when Wade was not at the same school. 

Then Peter became a freshman at the same highschool Wade was a Junior. It became a lot harder to hide. 

Wade was not popular at school but he was respected. No one messed with the resident delinquent. So when Wade beamed at Peter in the hallway he knew his plan to be invisible was done for. 

“Peety Pie! God seeing you in the hallways almost makes coming to this hell hole worthwhile!”

He said, enveloping Peter in a hug lifting him up from the ground and spinning him around. 

“Wade lungs!” Peter wheezed. He was dropped right away, Wade placing a hand on Peter's back fishing an inhaler from his own pocket and handing it to Peter. 

“Sorry Peety. You know I get over excited. You breathing okay?”

Peter nodded, handing the inhaler back to Wade, grateful Wade insisted on caring one around for Peter because he chronically forgot despite being a severe asthmatic his whole life. The bell rang and Wade groaned. 

“I will save you a seat at lunch Peety!”

Wade graped Peter's head and smacked a loud kiss on Peter's crown, skipping away. The whispers of ‘is the puny sophomore dating the psycho junior’ or ‘who knew Parker had that as a boyfriend’ were not even quiet enough to even really be whispers. Peter tried not to spontaneously combust. He wasn’t ashamed about being Wade's boyfriend; they had been  dating since he was twelve but they usually kept it on the downlow. Well Peter did. Wade on the other hand struggled to tell the difference between close friend behavior and boyfriend behavior and insisted even if they couldn’t kiss or hold hands in public, hugs should be allowed. 

Peter spent freshman year in a strange gray area of being a total nerdy outsider who no one would go near because the school was sure his huge scary junior boyfriend might kill you. 

He eventually made some friends with Harry Ozborn and Gwen Stacy. They kept up with him in class and were never mean to him like the others were. Well Harry was sometimes less than kind about Wade but Peter knew he could be a lot, Gwen loved him though. She said their relationship was the most romantic thing she had seen since Romeo and Juliet . Peter just hoped it had a better ending. Or even better, no ending at all. 

Being Wade's boyfriend didn't mean all the protection was on Wade's end though. People learnt the hard way not to bad mouth Wade if Peter was in ear shot. 

“Why is that freak Wade on the team again anyway?”

“Because he is hella built and the other teams are scared of him. We have talked about this Graham. He is a total weirdo and an idiot but he is great at basketball so just deal.”

“He is an idiot and freaks me out he never shuts the fuck up!”

Peter had had enough overhearing the other players of the school basketball team badmouth Wade. He spun around in his chair where he had been peacefully studying in the library when those assholes sat down behind him.

“If I hear you say one more thing about Wade you will regret it.”

The guys were momentarily startled before Paul, the team captain, laughed and rolled his eyes. “What are you going to do about it, Parker? Go running to your freak show boyfriend? Or will you try and defend him yourself? I will squash you like a bug.”

Peter narrowed his eyes, mind rapidly putting together all the information he needed.  “There are other ways to defend people without violence.”

“Yeah like what?” Graham snarked. 

“Black mail.”

“What?”

“Black mail. You do know what that is right?”

Graham stood up, fists clenched only stopping when Paul waved a hand up at him to stop. 

“You don’t have shit on me Parker,” Paul supplied but he didn’t sound confident. 

“You do know girls tell each other everything right? Every girl tells her bestie everything, and they tell their bestie. You see Paul, Gwen Stacy is very close with Betty Brant who is very close with Liz Allen. Your girlfriend right?” Peter only waited for Paul's eyes to widen in understanding before continuing. “We wouldn't want the whole school to know about your issues… raising the flag if you catch my meaning. And if your social standing isn’t important to you just think of how fast you would be kicked off the team if they found out that Liz bribed Betty to do your homework so your grades would be good enough to play.”

Paul gulped, staring at Peter, surprised. 

“Graham on the other hand well he could be in big trouble when people find out about him and a certain someone's sister, he knows what I am talking about. I don’t think your fellow team mates would be on your side with that one.” Peter raised an eyebrow to Graham who was visibly sweating now. “So how about you agree to not say things about Wade ever, trust me I will know. And I agree to keep the gossip train ending with me.” Peter waited a few beats as the boys stared.  “Well? Do you agree?”

The boys mumbled panicked yes’s and fled the library as Peter turned back to his studying. The gossip train informed the school to be careful with Peter even if Wade wasn’t there.

--

Black mail and fights were not the only way they cared for each other. Sometimes the things they needed protection from weren't other people. Sometimes it was just their own minds.

Peter remembers the first time he saw a new scar on Wade. The small pink mark terrified Peter more than anything he had ever experienced. It stared back at Peter as evidence of his own inadequacy. They knew everything about each other. Were there for all important feelings. Yet somehow Wade had gone and felt big feelings alone. Had even had time to heal from it. Without Peter. He instinctively reached out to the sliver of skin on Wade's thigh where the line traced. He could see the innuendo die on Wade's lips and he realized what Peter saw. 

“Sorry.”

“Don't apologize wade i should have noticed”

“Don't do that. I made the decision to hurt myself. I am not your responsibility peter.”

“Like hell you aren't. I love you and you needed me an I wasn't there”

Wade squeezed the hand Peter had on his thigh. “Yes you were. I just wasn't ready to share the feelings with you. By the time it was over I didn't want to hurt myself like that anymore.”

“But you still want to in some ways.” It wasn't a question, Peter saw Wade’s behavior, had pulled Wade from destructive spirals, pouted at him for doing dangerous or stupid things.

“I am not going to pretend it is all roses up in my head Pete. But I promise that a knife to my skin is not something I want to do again. It was … I was angry and confused and I…. Things in here… “ Wade pressed his fingers to his temple harshly. “It gets loud in here sometimes. I know you know that. And I thought that maybe it would make it quiet. But it did not. “

Peter sighed as he leaned over and pressed his forehead to the temple where Wade just poked. He could understand hard memories and feelings that felt loud. Found himself occupying as much of his mind as possible, too afraid to leave it blank in fear of what it would regurgitate. 

“What makes it quiet?”

“Good food.”

Peter smiles huffing a laugh

“Dancing to music. Getting angry I mean really angry…”

“Letting the white noise take over,” Peter supplied. He was familiar with Wade flying off into a rage. Never at him or Ben or May, never anyone who had been kind to him. But bullies, teachers, some fictionalized villains on tv or criminals on the news, they were all fair game. Wade loved deeply but he also hated deeply too. Peter would be lying if he said it didn't scare him sometimes. Nor for his own safety but Wade hurting someone doing something bad in a rage. That scared him. 

“You.”

“Hmmm?”

“You make it quiet up here. Well maybe not quiet but my midnight gets full of you Peety, there is no room for anything else when you are in there.”

Peter smiled again and pressed his lips to Wades. His mind was quiet in the moment. 

–

Sometimes they protected each other from neither others nor their minds. Sometimes their very bodies betray them. 

Wade suffered from migraines that started when he was thirteen. Something about head trauma when he was young, Peter never manages to quite pry the details out from him. Wade hated being seen as weak, something Ben explained to Peter when he tried to cuddle Wade when he had a migraine. Peter learns he can cuddle Wade when it is a cut or something silly that Wade makes a fuss over. But if it is serious, Wade just wants someone to be there. 

But generally Wade is healthy. He runs around and continues to grow so huge Peter knows he will never catch up. 

Peter was fragile. He continued to be skinny and asthmatic, still wheezing for breath long after the other kids had grown out of their childhood asthma. He got so sick one winter that he spent two nights in hospital on a nebuliser. Wade comes into the hospital room, snotty nosed wailing as May continues to try and tell him Peter will be fine. He doesn't believe her until Peter is in his arms.

He isn’t sick like that again until mid way through sophomore year. He comes home from school after having had a miserable day trying to focus on class and ignoring Harry to growl at him for being dramatic and stupid about not being able to go one day without Wade. He was allowed to be sad that his boyfriend was sick. When he comes home he finds Wade asleep on his couch May puttering around the kitchen in the distance. 

“Wade, what are you doing here?”

Wade turned his head lethargically to the side squinting at Peter. “My Uncle had to go to work, some emergency. He dropped me off here with May. I tried to tell him I can take care of myself..”

A wet cough interrupts Wade and Peter was helping him sit up by the time May comes rushing in with some water. 

“You are not quite an adult yet and this is a really nasty cold Wade. I am a nurse, taking care of you is no problem, don't worry.”

Wade gulped the water down before looking at Peter's hand resting on his shoulder. “You should leave Peter.”

“What?”

Wade shrugged him off, flopping his head to May and back to Peter. “I don’t want to get you sick. That's why I didn’t want to come here. I should go home.” Wade tried to get up but May firmly sat him down. 

“You are staying right here. Peter please go up to your room. Keep your distance. I will bring you your dinner upstairs. Wade will feel better in no time.”

Peter pouted, about to protest that he should be taking care of his boyfriend but May put her serious face on and Peter snapped his mouth shut. He felt so useless and stupid listening to May dote on Wade as he coughed violently. 

Ben came straight up the stairs when he got home from work and Peter looked at him defeatedly. “May has handled Peter, this is what she does.”

“I know I just don’t like feeling so helpless, Ben. I want to help!”

Ben ruffles Peter's hair affectionately and kisses his head. “I know Pete. But Wade would just worry about you if you were there. He will rest better with you at a safe distance. You have to learn sometimes Peter that you won’t always be the person best equipped to deal with each problem. Sometimes you help people best by letting someone else fix it.”

Peter nodded, smiling at Ben. He wasn’t sure if it was age or the many careers and experiences Ben had during his life but he always had some kind of life advice to give Peter when something was bothering him. 

Turns out that one flight of stairs was not enough distance to keep Peter safe. Wade was better by the end of the next day but Peter was feeling sick by then. He was determined to pretend he wasn’t. He hated the idea of Wade beating himself up about getting Peter sick. He went to school and stifled coughs into his sleeve all day. But as usual, the gym was determined to kill him. 

He was trying to avoid moving around too much when his teacher had shouted at him to run a lap of the gym for not participating. He was barely a quarter of the way around the space when he started coughing. His breath got cool in his chest and he felt like he had swallowed a super powered mint as his chest began to constrict. He squeezed his knees as he tried to breathe for a second before continuing a pathetic half jog.

Gwen shouted something at him but he waved her off trying to finish his lap. She turned her body away from the teacher and Peter saw he furiously begin texting on her phone. He started to get dizzy when he was about halfway around the gym. He began to cough again feeling like he could cough out wet chunks of his own lungs. The gym doors slammed open and Peter looked up to see Wade marching into the room. 

“Wilson, what are you doing here, go back to your own class.”

“One of your students is being an idiot and going to get himself killed. I came to help.” Wade stomped over to Peter who was clutching his knees and wheezing. He pulled out the extra inhaler, cupped the back of Peter's head and pressed it to his lips administering it when Peter sealed his lips around it. Wade pulled it back and Peter gave a wet cough. “You should have told me you were sick.”

“I didn’t want you to feel bad.” Peter coughed again. Then again and again. Every time he thought he could catch his breath he felt another cough interrupt him. Wade administered more of his inhaler but it only gave him momentary bliss. Peter tried not to panic knowing it was the worst thing he could do in an asthma attack but as his chest tightened he got more and more scared. Wade moved Peter to sit on the ground in his arms and calmly told the PE teacher to call an ambulance. All the chaos and energy usually surrounding Wade left as he methodically went through the steps of keeping Peter calm, giving him his inhaler and rubbing his back soothingly. Gwen was crying and mumbling about how she should have said something sooner and Wade just told her to ‘shut the fuck up, Peter was the one being a dumb ass here.’ which to be fair he was. 

He spent only one night in the hospital this time but May gave him a lecture for 20 minutes. When she left to check what antibiotics he was being given Ben sat at the foot of Peter's bed thanking Wade for helping before looking his nephew in the eye. 

“Peter, I know that Parker pride of your’s is something you get from me but you can’t let it cloud your judgment on things like this. I have always told you that ignoring people who ask for help makes what happens your responsibility but you have to understand that it also applies to you. Ignoring your own problems and not asking for help is just as bad. It is okay to save yourself sometimes Peter.”

--

Wade never goes near Peter when he has a cold again. And Peter makes a point to ask for help with things around May and Ben, pushing down that part in his brian that says ‘ they didn’t even want kids, don’t be a burden ’. He knows Ben appreciates it because he smiles everytime Peter asks May for a calming tea for his bad nights or Ben for an extra set of eyes on his school work. 

Peter sailed through school with great grades and minimal drama. The biggest drama he had before senior year was in his sophomore year when Wade made a huge showy gesture to ask him to be his date to senior prom. Wade had walked down the hallways with a literal boombox blasting WHAM! And a huge glittery sign ‘U me Prom?’

He had barged into Mr Modells class and pointed at Peter dancing. Gwen was beaming at him whilst Peter smiled, shaking his head. He got up apologizing to the teacher ushering Wade from the room and out to the back of the school slamming the boombox off. 

“What are you doing Wade?!”

“I am romancing you. They say it is like three years in which relationships lose their romance and spontaneity. I am making sure we don’t.”

Peter laughed defeatedly, pressing his forehead to Wade’s chest. “I never worried about losing spontaneity with you.”

“Well I am just making sure. So… Prom?”

Peter looked up at Wade, raising one eyebrow. “You really want to bring me to senior prom? You have seen me dance.” 

Wade shrugged. “You can stand on my feet all you want. As long as you are in my arms for the night I will be happy. You're the one who keeps telling me not to miss out on the highschool experience.”

“I meant the education part.”

Wade groaned, throwing his head back and stamping his foot. “Peety please. I wanna see you in a crappy suit. I already bought you a red bowtie to match my tie. And I have a red dress for the after party”

Peter smiled. “Well if you already bought the dress.”

Wade squealed and grabbed Peter flinging him around. 

--

Wade:

Graduating was not something Wade was looking forward to. 

He tried to make it better by taking Peter to prom. Which was great. Peter's suit was truly ugly and cheap, and the music had been terrible, but it was all worth it when Wade took him home afterwards.

Peter smiled at him gently when Wade emerged from the bathroom in a fancy red dress, and Wade knew he wouldn't have anyone else. They danced in his room until Peter had a mild asthma fit from giggling, and holding Peter in his arms whilst they made out just a little more heavily than usual was the highlight of Wade's life. Totally worth the shovel talk Ben had given him when Wade returned Peter at midnight with a hickey. Wade had to literally shout ‘Peter’s still a virgin’ so get the man to stop talking. May thought it was hilarious. Peter did not but he did flush and chuckle when Wade whispered he was ‘saving it for your senior prom’ to him. 

But then graduation came and Wade was being asked what he wanted to do with his life. Something he actively avoided thinking about. He knew what he wanted to do, but he wasn’t sure he could do it. He decided to start the process and see what he felt if he passed the tests. 

For the first time in his life Wade passed tests with flying colors. The excitement he felt left him with the realization that he had already decided what he wanted to do. 

Now he had to tell Peter. 

He waited probably too long but Peter's 16th snuck up on him and this wasn't a good birthday present so he waited until after.

“Hey Peety I have to talk to you.”

“Oh no, what did you do this time?” Peter jibed. Wade patted Peter's bed beside him. 

“You know how I haven’t really shared my future plans with you.”

“Yeah. I keep telling you becoming my housewife is actually a great plan. You are always telling me I will use my big brain to get rich one day.”

Wade nodded. He took a moment to prepare himself before blurting it out.

“I signed up for the military. I start basic training in one week.”

“What?”

“You always said I was your personal Captain America.”

“You can’t be my personal one if you’re not here.”

Wade sighed and reached out to Peter, stopping him pacing the room. Their eyes met and Peter took a steading breath. 

“Is this what you really want? Or is it just because you think you don’t have other options?”

Wade squeezed Peter's hand. 

“It is what I want. I thought about it a lot. I know I will be good at it. I will feel useful. By doing something that I think can be good at. I know leaving you will…”

“I can’t expect you to put your life on hold for me Wade. I know that. And I don’t expect that. I just. You have to promise me you won't disappear on me.”

Wade stood and gave Peter a gentle kiss.

“I promise Peety. I will be back in time for Christmas break before I get deployed. We will go to Canada during the break for a few days to play in some propper snow like we did when we were kids.”

“New York gets plenty of snow.”

“God why did you become such a New York loyalist, it’s like you forgot those early years of Canadian bliss. It is because you weren't born there. I tell ya the maple is born in ya blood.”

Peter snorts and rests his hands on Wade's neck. 

“You are so the one convincing Ben to let me disappear to Canada for a few days with some military brat.”

“Throwing me under the bus Peety?”

Peter nodded, giving Wade another kiss. This will be okay. 

–

Basic training was hard but more satisfying than any schooling Wade had ever done. He felt invigorated, intelligent and useful for the first time without Peter beside him. Maybe he could become worthy of Peter, finally make something of himself here. He slipped the polaroid of Peter back into his pillow case. 

His anger that he’s always been so afraid of was something his superiors encouraged. Almost as if they could see Wade’s potential in it. An anger that for so long, Wade didn’t want to use because he couldn’t risk hurting those he cared about. But now, he knows he can use it. Can finally let it out. 

He writes weekly letters to Peter, giving him updates and checking in, and receives weekly letters in return. At first his bunkmates thought he had some highschool teen pregnancy kid back home sending him crayon witten notes and so they kept to themselves. But when it eventually slips that Wade is in fact receiving crayon written love letters he gets teased mercilessly. He proudly shows off his pictures of Peter, smacking his friend Wes over the back of the head when he calls Wade a cradle snatcher. Wade explains on repeat what a perfect (and legal thank you very much) angel Peter is and within two weeks the teasing goes from amused to jealous and those around him realize Wade will never be ashamed of Peter and just maybe the crazy guy actually has something everyone else wants. Someone who they know will always be happy to come home to. 

The time away also piles on Wade’s guilt. Peter's letters, whilst positive, grow less genuine. Wade knows Parker luck well enough to know that things can't be going well for Peter that much. That if Peter isn’t writing to him about the tumble in the hallway or the failed attempt at cooking then there are probably worse things he is omitting from the letters. Wade finds himself calling Uncle Ben a few times. He tells himself it’s for Peter but knows in part it’s because listening to the men around him talk about their fathers made Wade realize that Ben Parker was the best he was going to get on that front and he had been neglecting the fatherly advice Ben could give. 

Ben was honest with Wade about everything in life. Honest when he told Wade that his anger would probably never go away but that it could be put into the right things. Honest with Wade about the challenges he would face as someone not as smart as Peter (Ben hadn’t finished highschool). They spoke about making friends in a group of men who are less accepting and open than Wade and about the future. 

But they also spoke about Peter. Ben admitted Peter wasn’t doing as well as he says he is in his letters. That Peter’s distanced himself from those around him has left him isolated pretending that he doesn’t need anyone. Even though he is spending more time with Harry and Gwen he still keeps them at arm's length. Peter comes home with bruises occasionally and Ben is fairly sure Flash has picked up on the bullying. Worst of all was when Ben told him of Peter's nights. How at first Ben thought nothing of Peter’s door being closed now Wade wasn’t there. But then Ben heard the crying, held Peter on a bad night where he admitted to feeling abandoned. Wade wanted honesty but it was breaking him. He sat on the floor under the phone they have on base that they are allowed to use and asked Ben how he thinks Peter would handle Wade being gone all the time in service. 

“Wade, how do you handle it when something reminds you of the pain you felt when your father hurt you or your mother?”

“I act out at others or myself.”

“Now you tell me how Peter reacts when something reminds him of the abandonment he felt when his parents walked out my front door and never came back.”

Wade doesn’t answer. He knew Ben wasn’t telling him to leave Peter. He would never ask that of him. But Ben was honest and he had a point. Wade had to decide if he was willing to work with Peter's trauma and find a way to ensure Peter didn’t feel abandoned in this, and wouldn't spend his nights crying and worrying about Wade. A solution eludes him. 

--

Peter:

The months without Wade are fine. Letters from Wade written in crayon because ‘all our old letters are in crayon’ are the highlight of his week. Peter starts junior year and keeps toe to toe with Gwen for 1st place in Science and Mathematics. Harry and Peter get closer and Peter wonders if they are best friends because apparently ‘your boyfriend doesn't count’. Flash decided Wade's absence was the perfect opportunity to act out all the threats he had been giving Peter over the years. But Peter adjusts to the physical pain quickly, it becomes routine, almost comforting, like giving reality to the emotional pain Peter was feeling. 

He feels Wade's absence the most when he is walking home, hand clutching at empty air where Wade's hand usually is. And at night. Ben had stopped trying to kick Wade out of Peter's bed early on. They had been sharing a bed on and off since they were little, as long as the door stayed open Wade was allowed. Now Peter's door stayed closed so May and Ben wouldn't hear him cry at night when he worried Wade might go away one day and not come home like his parents. 

--

Whispers down his school hall left him curious as to who was waiting in the parking lot. Girls were giggling about a hot guy with a motorbike waiting outside. When he heard one of the girls joking about liking a man in uniform Peter picked up speed. He rushed out the doors and there waiting for him was Wade. A crew cut looked unfairly attractive on him as he leaned on the motorbike he had been repairing for years grinning at Peter. He ignored his peers and decided to fuck his usual reservations about PDA. He flung himself at Wade, leaping into his arms, legs jumping up around Wade's hips and burying his face in Wade's neck as he laughed. 

“I missed you too, Peety.”

Peter tried to hide his sniffle in a laugh. Wade's hand on his hair let him know it wasn't so well hidden.

Dinner with his aunt and uncle is filled with funny stories form Wade and knowing looks form Ben and May on the few occasions Peter's gaze leaves Wade. He has never been happier with them when they say they agreed to let Wade take Peter to Canada for two nights before he is deployed. Ben seems to have given it a lot of thought but May insists it is only fair because Ben had proposed to May when he was 19 and she was 17 (she said no) so as long as Wade wasn’t trying to do that it was fine (Peter pretends not to think he might say yes if Wade did).

–

Peter had forgotten how cold Canada was and was swaddled in blankets encircled in Wade's arms. They drank hot chocolate, made snowmen, played monopoly and watched heaps of Golden Girls. Peter had honestly expected to be ravished their first night there but as the second night wound down Peter wondered if he had done something to ruin the mood. So he decided he was going to take charge. He was a 16 year old boy who was horny. And grinding on Wade during a make out or two was not enough anymore. He walked into the shared bedroom after his shower without putting his pajamas on, towel on his waist. 

“Peety did you forget your PJ’s?”

“No. But you forgot something.”

“Huh.”

“Good night kiss right here,” he said pointing to his lips. Wade smiled and approached Peter kissing him on the lips. “And here.” Peter pointed to his left shoulder, the freckle Wade liked to kiss. “And here.” His neck.

“Are you using Indiana Jones references to try and seduce me?”

“Is it working?”

“Yes. Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

Wade engulfed his mouth in his and Peter let his towel drop.

“Are you really sure?”

“Yes.”

Wade kept kissing him and turned them around to walk backwards to the bed.

“Really truly sure.”

“Yes.”

Wade settled Peter onto the edge of the bed and stared into his eyes as if the true answer to the question would be there. It appeared it was and Wade moved forward laying Peter below him on the bed. Wade kissed him again and Peter could feel Wade tremble under his fingers. His bare shoulders shaking with nervous anticipation, his sweatpant clad thighs tense either side of Peter's hips. 

“Are you…”

“Wade, I am so very sure of this. . I pre-prepared it for the shower. May snuck condoms into my bag because my preparedness was that obvious. I am very, very sure.”

Wade chuckled, pressing his forehead to Peter's collarbone. 

“Remind me to kiss Aunt May when we get back.”

Peter huffed, shaking his head.

“Don’t, she already knows too much, you thanking her would just make her give me smug looks for weeks.”

Wade laughed again, breath ghosting down Peter's chilled skin raising goosebumps down his chest. Wade leaned back, settling on his own thighs over Peter. His palms moved to gently hold either side of Peter's ribcage. 

“Okay no talk of May. But don’t expect me not to talk though this thing. Because you know I talk a lot and like four times more when I am nervous.”

Peter smiled at him, grabbing one of Wade's hands and picking it up to kiss it. 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am nervous too. But between the two of us I think we can figure it out. Just talk me through it. You can do that can’t you?” Peter asked as he kissed the pads of each of Wade's fingers. 

“God yes.”

And talk through it Wade did. Every move, every choice was a question Peter eagerly answered. Wade's arms went from nervous trembles to exhausted adrenaline filled shakes. Peter’s deep grounding breaths changed to hitched excited pants. And when Wades' tears dripped onto Peter's shoulder he pressed his nose into Wade's cheek and let his tears roll back his face to join Wade’s rolling down onto the pillow. 

--

Wade

Wade can see Peter ignoring the oncoming future with a level of recklessness so uncharacteristic of him it makes Wade's stomach twist. Having Peter in his arms starts to leave a bitterness in Wade that he hates. His mind flips widely from elation and joy in the intimacy they have shared. Their night in the cabin is like a secret dream. Holding Peter at night feels more intimate somehow. The comfortableness they have changing in the same room, showing together, touching each other was like a final threshold in their closeness. Like the anticipation of that step had been the little thing that was separating them. And now it is gone, Wade loves it. But a part of him regrets it. And that makes him feel monstrous. He regrets it because it makes the thought of leaving hurt more. Because now he feels like he was someone dirty who showed Peter something wonderful knowing he was going to take it from him. He dangled happiness in front of them both and is now asking Peter to wait around for it whilst he goes and follows the adventurous itch in his bones. 

And he is so terrified. He knows Peter has his own fears about Wade's safety but the fear goes both ways. Wade had spent so long promising himself he would be there for Peter when the thought of something happening to him whilst he was away chases him. It comes to a head after he finds out Peter's calculator was smashed by Flash Tompson months ago and Peter hadn't told him. 

He drags Peter out to the backyard, raises his fists and tells Peter he is going to learn to stop him. 

He painstakingly adjusts Peter’s form again and again. He maneuvers Peter's hand trying to teach him to get out of every hold imaginable. Shows Peter the safest way to shield himself. Tries to get Peter to throw a swing at him. Peter grows frustrated quickly, he tires and sweats after little exercise and pouts at Wade. Normally that pout would have Wade cave in seconds but his fear is driving him. Peter has to know this. He grabs Peters hands and raises them again. 

“Come on Peter! Throw the goddamn punch! You have to learn!”

“Wade stop. I am not like you. As much as I would love to punch Flash in the face I can’t, I would just get myself killed trying. I am not a fighter Wade.”

Peter didn’t mean it literally, Wade knew that, but the words still shake Wade. ‘get myself killed’. 

What if he was right? Peter was asthmatic and too skinny and shit at keeping his mouth shut. He was quick to anger in a whole different way to Wade. He clapped back when he probably should not. Especially if he thought there was an injustice. That kind of fight could get Peter in all kinds of trouble. And without Wade there he would have to defend himself. 

Wade raised his own feet and swung, stopping himself centimeters away from Peter’s face. He had flinched hard but his arms hadn’t raised, he hadn’t gone to defend himself at all. The instinct wasn’t there. 

“What the fuck Wade!”

“I am trying to teach you! Peter you have to defend yourself. You have to know how! There is only one person you can rely on to protect you Peter.”

 Peter stepped closer to Wade, eyes huge, shocked and so very hurt looking. 

“I thought there were two.”

Wade deflated. He didn’t stop Peter from leaving. His mind filled with a buzzing haze. He kicked the back fence hard enough that his foot ached and yelled. That was one of the big problems wasn’t it. As long as Wade was a part of Peter’s life then he would rely on him. Peter would never stand to his full potential if Wade was there. Wade was tormented with the debate of wanting to be everything for Peter and the knowledge that he couldn’t be.

Peter

Wade gets his assignment. It is 3 years long. In an active war zone. 

Peter starts having nightmares before Wade leaves

.

The last few weeks of December are marred by a tenseness in the air that Wade and Peter can’t ignore. Peter's anxiety gets so bad Wade finds him curled on the floor of his shower in hysterics, hands trembling as he tries to stifle the sobs wracking his body. Wade just shuts the water off and sits there with him. Pulls him into his arms and lets his sweatpants grow damp. And when Ben pokes his head into the room to check on them he gives Wade a long and meaningful look. 

They do that a lot. 

Peter has the uneasy feeling that Wade and Ben are keeping something from him. He knows they talk about him. He worries Ben has made Wade feel guilty about being in the military. Peter wants to call him a hypocrite and point to May and say if she could wait around for Ben to come back from his service so can Peter. 

Or maybe it is his own guilt. Peter knows he gets a lot of his worst traits from the Parker side of his family. From his father and Ben. The temper, the pride, and the guilt complex. He knows Ben wonders if his own military past influenced Wade. If Wade was doing this to honor the man who, despite never saying it, was clearly his father. 

Peter tries talking to May about it all. Tries to understand how she went to nursing school and waited at home for Ben knowing he was out there facing danger. But her words offer him little solace. She waited for Ben, sure, but she didn’t stop living for him. She told him she wouldn’t wait. She dated others, but sure enough every time Ben was set to come home she would find herself conveniently single for him. She tells him it wasn’t intentional, that it’s just how soul mates are. But she admitted maybe part of her sabotaged things with others as soon as Ben was back. She only let herself truly love Ben once she knew he would be around permanently. 

It wasn’t the same for Peter. He didn’t decide to love Wade. He just did. He’d love Wade even if he wasn’t available, love him even if he only got small moments with him. Peter would take whatever the universe would give of him, and now his mind was confronting him with thoughts of the universe depriving him of that. Tormenting thoughts of plane crashes, heroic moments that are so much more dangerous out there than they are in the school corridors. He tries to keep how much it upsets him a secret from Wade but as usual Wade sees right through it. And Peter knows he feels guilty. So does Peter. He doesn’t want to be like this, doesn’t want to be so paranoid about people going away and not coming back. 

But when he looks out the front door and sees his reflection in the glass he sees the small child who looked out and saw his parents for the last time. 

He knows that’s why Wade doesn’t let him watch him leave. 

He tries to ignore the signs. Tried to pretend the worship Wade gave him in the night didn’t feel like a goodbye.

He wakes up one morning to a letter in crayon on his bedside. 

Hello Peter,

I am sorry. But I have to go.

I have to do this next bit without you worrying about me. I thought about it for a while and I decided you can’t worry about me not coming home if I am not going to come home. 

3 years is a long time to wait around for someone Peter. And we both know you can do a lot better than a big dumbo like me. I know you probably hate me right now. That's ok. I am going to be great. And so are you. You are going to make something real of yourself Peter. I always knew I would have to leave you behind so you could do that. And one day in a few years time you will see me in the line of a coffee shop and you won't come over to say hello. You will just smile and wave at me. And that will be enough. 

See you then,

Wade 

Peter cried a lot that morning. May didn't ask him to go to school for a week. Gwen held his hand when he got misty eyed at school and Harry raved about what an asshole Wade was. Peter wanted to agree with him but couldn't bring himself to be mad. Frustrated, yes, but not mad. Wade knew Peter better than anybody. Knew the worst parts of him. And Peter knew Wade did this ultimately to protect him. Even if it was stupid. 

Peter tried to look for better things.

Then he went to OSCORP with school and was bitten by a spider. 

Then he got super powers. He could bend steel. He could see and hear things others couldn’t (not in the crazy way). The first thing he wanted to do was tell Wade.

Ben died. Right in front of him. It had only been a month since Wade left.

 He tried to call Wade whilst the blood was still drying on his hands.

Wade's number was disconnected. 

Peter became disconnected. 

Wade never showed up, not even for Ben's funeral. Peter had tried calling the military to get someone to give Wade a message but apparently he had asked to be no contact. 

Peter pushed people away. Pushed Harry and Gwen away. Got angry. Suddenly got what Wade meant when he said anger didn't make him see red it made him see white. A blinding buzzing haze like TV static. He went out at night to distract himself, so he wouldn’t have to listen to May cry at night, sick to realize she had heard him cry every time in the past. 

He hunted down the person who killed Ben. Hurt him, scared him enough he ran out that window. Enough that he died.

Then he saved someone. A little boy. When he stood there and listened to that father mumble ‘oh my boy, my son,’ over and over Peter closed his eyes for a moment and thought about how often he had wanted to hear those words, how much he had once fantasized about his father coming back and holding him, about Ben coming back. He realized then that just because they were fantasies for Peter didn’t mean they had to be for everyone. So he became someone, something. Spider-Man became a part of him. The better part. His personal hero may have left but he could become one for everyone else. 

He saved people. Did well in school. Tried to date Harry. The relationship was up and down. Harry would take Peter out on big expensive dates that Peter hated and he would beg to just stay in and watch movies. Then Harry would get sour and Peter realized he was hurting his feelings and he would apologize and Harry would forgive him. Harry was very rejection sensitive; he was always trying to prove himself to people because his father was never satisfied with him. Peter tried to tell Harry he didn’t need to do that with him but he never seemed to believe it. 

They came back to Peter's place after school, finally just spending time together when it happened. Harry was kissing Peter sitting on his bed when his hand creeped under his shirt. Peter stops him pulling Harry's hand away and Harry snapped back huffing angrily. 

“Okay what is it!?”

“What is what?” Peter asked, frowning deeply at Harry.

“Everytime we get any further than a heated kiss you shove me away! I know you're not some blushing virgin Peter. God you should hear the things some of the guys at school say about you behind your back. Everybody knows you and Wade were fucking! But what? I am not good enough for you!?”

“What!? Harry. I, god you can’t just assume things like that I…”

“Fuck off Peter, you were dating an older guy, people talk. You have to be more experienced than I am. Is that it? Do you think I will be bad at it?”

“Harry! God Wade and started dating when I was 12 he was 14 the only experiences we had were with each other and we didn’t do anything until I was 16! Until I was ready.”

“And when will you be ready with me!? Do I have to wait 4 years? When we started dating Peter I thought things would move a lot quicker and I have tried to be patient.”

Peter gulped ignoring the stinging tears in his eyes. “Did you… are you only dating me because you thought I would put out?”

“Are you only dating me to fill that big fucking hole Wilson left in you soul?”

Peter stood up from the bed standing close to Harry who had been pacing his room. 

“Fuck you.”

“I would like to!” Harry forcefully graped Peter's face, smashing his lips to his and shoving Peter to the bed. Peter struggled for a moment before panic overtook him. His mind went blank and his body went still. No, he couldn’t do this again. He was Spider-Man for god sakes no one would take advantage of him anymore. But Harry was on top of him and Peter was so scared and his body wasn’t his anymore. His instincts screamed at him and he tried to yell.

“No. Please. Wade Help!” Peter sobbed out, finally able to weakly pull his wrists from Harry's grasp. Harry stopped standing up from Peter's bed stiffly. 

“Peter I am… I didn’t mean to make you think that I would. If you didn’t want-”

Peter glared at him, barely able to speak, only just coming back to himself. 

“Get out.”

Harry scowled. “I never had a chance did I? Even then when you clearly went somewhere else you got scared. You called out to him . I could never measure up. Never measure up for my father, never measure up to you or Gwen in school and never measure up to Wade fucking Wilson .”

Harry left. That was the last night Peter spoke to Harry in person before The Goblin. He moved to Europe to study a month later. Peter received a letter of apology from him some time later and a few more friendly ones after that. They weren’t in crayon and Peter didn’t feel very light when he read them. It was better this way, at least Peter wasn’t waiting to be left behind again.

Then he dated Gwen. It was kind of an accident. She had gotten out of a relationship with Anya, a girl studying at a local science school that Gwen wished she was at, and Harry had just left. 

They were lonely and all each other had. Senior year was stressful for the both of them and as it drew to a close they just slipped from friends to a little more. It was good. He wanted it to be good. She was good. Better than him. Then Spider-Man got Gwen's dad killed. And he realized he had done to Gwen the very thing that would break him had the roles been reversed. Made her say good bye to her dad and then let him not come home. They broke up for a while after that. 

He graduated second in all his classes to Gwen. Their on and off again thing should have left them a lot more tense then they were but after she found out about Spider-Man she became fond of him in a new way. Like watching a disaster she just couldn’t look away. She tried to stop him from burying himself. Screamed at him some nights when he clambered through her window bloody. Called him self destructive. Told him this was glorified self harm. They broke up again and started again. They knew it was bad.

“ Peter, I think we have to break up again.”

“Okay I know the whole thing being sliced open like a sausage by Fisk thing was stressful but I heald in like a day…”

Gwen sighed at him sitting in the couch gazing down at Peter who was splayed out on the floor absentmindedly running his fingers along the edge of the rug.  

“As much as that should be a deal breaker for me it isn't why. I was talking to my mom yesterday. Talking to her about dad.” Peter felt himself gulp. Familiar guilt weighing him deep into the crappy second hand rug. “No Peter it isn't… You know I have never blamed you. It isn't that. I just. The way my mum talks about dad. The way May talks about Ben. I just… I grew up believing in true love. Real deep true love. I have seen it. I saw it in my parents. I saw it in your aunt and uncle and… I saw it in you and Wade.” 

She shuffled down on the couch, her head on the edge, hair dangling off as she looked down at Peter. “I am not going to ask you to get over him. Because I know that if I had a love like that I wouldn't. Know that my mother and May never will. But I think that you deserve to try. And I deserve to try and find that for myself.” 

Peter opened and closed his mouth, eyes misty and hand twitching. 

“I don't blame you Peter. We’re both guilty parties here. Both trying to cling to a relationship we know isn't ever going to be enough. I love you Peter, you know I do. More than I want to. But I am not Wade. And you are not my Peter. It is time we both accept it.”

Tears began to slide down Peter’s face as he listened to her.

“I am not leaving you Peter. I won't abandon you. Because I do love you. I just can't… I can't keep trying to be something more for you. Do you understand?” 

Peter ran his hand over his face wiping away his tears as he looked up at Gwen's face. He nodded. They couldn’t stop loving each other in some way but they couldn’t pretend they would be end game anymore. 

He was happy for her when she got her scholarship to Oxford. 

Then Harry came back. 

Peter tried to follow his lead and pretend their past relationship wasn’t toxic, ignoring Gwen telling him that he didn’t have to forgive Harry.  

And then Harry got sick and Peter lost two people that night.

It took Peter months to get back to Spider-Man. Longer to get back to living.

 He started college and had a string of crappy jobs. 

His one and only college friend MJ said his poor excuse for a life was not living. She always tried to force him out to parties or drinks. Tried to get him to date and teased him gently about how he would actually be quite handsome if he didn’t look so tired and hungry all the time. 

“Come on Parker, why don’t you date? I know some people who would be very interested.”

“MJ my dating history is a sad tale of fuck ups that have left me a heartless lump, okay?”

MJ laughed at him kicking him under the table they were sitting at in some cafe. 

“Don’t be such a drama queen it can’t be that bad, remember I dated some ass hats just in this past year. You should have seen me in my first year of college. Many mistakes were made.” She exaggerated her point with a full body shiver.

“Trust me MJ it is worse than you think.”

“Lay it on me.”

“Do you want chronological or reverse?”

MJ smiled the way she does whenever she gets any personal details from Peter. She loved gathering info on people, something that should put Peter off because of his secret identity but her inquisitive nature was amusing to him. 

“Go from the most recent. I remember people talking about a beautiful blonde with you in highschool she got a scholarship to somewhere in England, right?”

Peter set his coffee down, gazing into the cup to prepare himself for the tale he was about to spill.

“Gwen Stacy. Her name was Gwen. She did get a scholarship but she never made it. She died… um was killed in the incident with Electro and The Goblin.”

MJ leaned back into her chair inhaling sharply.

“Jesus shit Peter I am sorry.”

“Yeah. We weren't dating though. At least not then. We had a stupid on and off again thing. It was my fault there was… is an ex I can’t get over and she never felt like she could compete with him. It was a running theme in my relationships.”

“Oh. What did the ex do?”

“We will get to him, we are going reverse chronological. Before Gwen there was Harry. He was my best friend in highschool. I thought friendship would be a good foundation for a relationship, you know.”

MJ nodded.

“Yeah often is. But Harry isn’t the boyfriend that Gwen was competing with?”

“No, Harry had the same problem she did. Worse I think. I got together with Harry not long after Wade left. Harry kind of surprised me with a romantic confession and I was too stupid to think it through before tumbling into a relationship. But Harry was a jealous person by nature. He wanted things from me in the relationship I wasn’t ready to supply. When he tried to push me one night I instinctively called out to Wade for help. It broke the relationship, it was that final confirmation for him that I wouldn't trust him the way I had trusted Wade.”

MJ was nodding along sucking on the spoon from her late.

“And Wade was?”

“My first love I guess. My first everything. My first friend, hero, lover all the above. I met him when I was 5 and we were attached at the hip from then on. A lot happened in my life and his life; too early in our lives for us to understand how that kind of trauma affects people. It bonded us in ways I still don’t understand.”

“And he was the person who Gwen and Harry couldn’t compete with?”

“Yeah. I mean it is hard to explain but if you ever meet someone who sees you, I mean really sees you the way Wade saw me you would understand. You can’t just say goodbye to that feeling, can’t just settle for someone who half understands you no matter how great they are.”

MJ made a face that clearly showed she didn’t get it but she also seemed enamored, like she’s watching some great romantic movie. 

“Tell me more about him. What happened to him?”

Peter rambled about Wade for hours. MJ listened in awe and Peter realized he has never been this talkative or open with MJ before, maybe with anyone since Gwen. 

She asked if he was still waiting for Wade to come back. What would he do if he saw in him the coffee shop? Peter told her he might punch him. Then he might kiss him and beg him to stay. She asked what if Wade had settled down somewhere with someone else and Peter said he didn't know what he would do then but nothing good. 

It was pathetic, he knew that. May made him see a counselor after Gwen, she told him he was probably fixated on Wade because he was someone who made him feel safe even after some of his worst traumas and was not linked to his later ones. Told him it wasn’t really Wade he missed but who he was before the damage. But Wade was after his parents, after Skip. He would still love him after Ben, after Gwen because Wade had promised he always would. 

Wade:

Military life suited Wade well to a point. Routine and lots of exercise, action and a fair helping of violence suited him well. He climbed ranks and quickly ended up in special forces with a reputation of efficiency. But the rules were something he struggled with always. Then he was assigned protection duty by some general. And that general turned out to be one Skip Wescott. Wade did not protect him. Watched through his scope as Skip's head exploded. Felt vindicated. Never had he been more sure in taking a life than in that moment. He had killed in the name of his country plenty of times. But this was his decision and it didn’t make him feel hollow like the others. This was a kill he knew the reasons for he had no doubt the world was better off without Skip. 

He was dishonorably discharged. They couldn't prove he killed Skip but they kept asking him to take out jobs on people without giving him backgrounds on the targets. Wade refused. He knew what it was to kill with his own code and he wasn’t going back. 

Mercenary work came easily. He could choose his targets. Choose how often to kill or not. Do as many jobs, just intel gathering or plain old scaring the shit out of people, as he wanted. Then take down every pedofile and abuser that came though Sister Margaret’s. 

He used his connections to keep tabs on Peter.

He’d tried not to check on him. Attempted to move on, but there was a nagging fear in his mind that he couldn’t leave once he was out of service. He paid Weasel to track Peter down and set up his old phone number and get his old messages. Listening to Peter tell him he was stupid for leaving and yell at him had made Wade sit there and giggle with Weasel.

“Jesus dude, this sounds like one angry fetus. You, sir, are a creep.”

“Fuck off dude. He was 16 and I was 18, this was years ago. He isn’t a fetus now, you know that. I paid you to stalk him.”

Weasel snorted at him and clicked his laptop to play the next message left on Wade's phone. 

“Wade… Please, you have to come back. I can’t. Oh god there was so much blood Wade…”

Peter was crying and Wade gripped his glass of whiskey so hard he was surprised it didn’t break. Weasel muttered ‘oh shit’ under his breath as the message went on.

“He is dead and I don’t know what to do. He was… I needed him. I need you and I can’t not have him and then not have you too. Ben, he… Oh god Wade it is all my fault I don’t know what to do.”

Wade slammed up from the table so quickly the chair flew across the room. 

“What the fuck Weasel you said he was okay!”

“Calm down dude, he is!”

“That doesn’t sound okay! Is Ben dead? Is Ben Parker dead?!” 

Weasel flipped through the file on Peter he had printed out in front of him. “Umm yeah. Ben Parker died in a mugging gone wrong like two years ago.”

“Two...” Wade snapped the page from Weasel's hand and looked over the details. He sits on the edge of the table as the details hit him. “He was killed less than a month after I left.”

“Yeah, fucking shit luck dude. He loses you then witnesses the brutal murder of his uncle/father figure.”

Wade snapped an angry look at Weasel. “Dude! Not fucking helping. Who killed Ben? Can I kill them!?” Wade scanned the page looking for more details. 

“Nah dude, mugger was found dead after a chase with that Spider-Man guy.”

Wade slammed the paper down and leapt up pacing, shoulders tense and angry. “Fuckin hell Ben was a great guy. He was a better dad to me than my old man. Peter he… god is Peter really okay?”

“Yeah dude, I told you. He graduated with like flying fucking colours. Kids a really nerdy freak. And got a full ride scholarship to university. He’s in first year…’

Peter was doing it, he was studying hard, getting great grades and having a small but not dead social life. He was dating Gwen. 

Wade tried not to feel jealous. Decided to go for the next person who made him feel something. Started dating Vanessa. She made him feel less alone, made him feel seen. But she didn’t see Wade like Peter did. She didn’t want him to be better, which was good in its own way. But part of Wade didn't want to be loved for who he was in fear that that would mean he would never change. 

Peter had loved him, yes, but had also loved what he could be, the better parts of him. And would draw them out for him. Vanessa didn’t draw anything out from him. She knew he loved someone else and yet she was never mad about it. She never asked for more because she was as comfortable with him as he was with her. It was an equal understanding that comfort was all they needed. 

It worked. 

It was a great year and a bit.

Peter 

Peter doesn’t talk to MJ as much as their closeness would imply. They seem bound together by the mutual agreement that all they needed to do to be close was to spend time in each other's presence. MJ would show up to his place unannounced and sit and study or work from his crappy couch. He would close his bedroom door letting the bloody towels from his Spider-Man work go crusty on his bed. 

He would study in silence, only speaking up when MJ asked him how to spell something or to ask her a question about science he knew she didn’t know the answer to. Asking her out loud just helped him answer it himself. 

They talked sometimes. MJ would talk about her terrible dates, and the good ones. They would complain about study or work or rent prices. May would invite them over for lunch and she would beam at MJ like she was someone offering to weed her garden or complete all the chores she could not do, because If MJ was there May knew Peter had someone else. And they both knew he needed someone. Because even if he didn’t talk to her, MJ knew when Peter showed up to her place and laid on the rug beneath her feet and put his headphones on that he was there for comfort. That if he didn't have her he might be out getting more bruises. 

The first time she couldn’t be there for him was because of Wade. 

MJ had gotten a job writing an article about sexism in the military. She was cross referencing records though militaries around the world to prove it was something with higher incidence in America. When he saw the Canadian military logo on her laptop he couldn't help himself. He begged her to use her access (he was pretty sure it was already illegally obtained) to look for Wade.

“Peter I shouldn’t.”

“MJ, do you honestly think I can’t take that laptop from you right now?”

She looked shocked. He’d never spoken to her with such authority. That voice was usually reserved for villains who had upset him. Not his friends (friend). 

“MJ please. I just want to know if he’s okay. If he… I need to know that leaving him was the right thing to do. No matter how much it hurts.”

“He is the one who left you, Peter.”

“You and I both know if I wasn’t so mad at him I could have done something. Could have found him by now.”

She sighed and began typing. Her eyes scanned the screen before widening. 

“Oh god what is it?” Peter snatched the device from her lap before she could deliver the news delicately. “Dishonorably discharged,” he read outloud. He slumped into the couch as he began to read more. 

She pulled the device from him as he tried to scan the second page. 

“Peter. Let me please. You're going through everything,  I can make it a story for you. Give you the important parts. Just.. give me a few minutes.”

He nodded in shock and waited. Sunk into the couch, Peter slowly disappeared inside himself, unable to stop his thoughts from racing as his worry built the more he waited. 

“He was discharged after a general he was protecting died under suspicious circumstances. This guy named Skip Wescott.”

Peter’s whole body tensed up as his vision whited out for a brief moment. 

“It doesn’t mean he killed him, Peter. I am sure Wade is a good guy I..”

Peter stood up and found himself gripping his knees as he tried not to dry heave.

“Get out.”

MJ gasped, her eyes watering with concern, a look Peter was getting tired of seeing on her. 

“Peter…”

“Mary Jane. Get out of my house I … fuck I can’t. Of course he… I can’t.” Peter’s breathing sped up as his eyes began to water and his stomach flipped. MJ tried to reach out to rub his back but he shuffled away quickly. 

“No, don't touch… Just I will be okay. I won’t… I just. I need to process this myself. I need to know who he is now. I have to. Just let me…”

MJ hesitated before aggressively nodding, leaving the laptop open and unlocked as she left. 

Peter reads through all the records. Reads about how Skip was killed by the same kind of sniper that Wade carried. He throws up. He opens up records from every police department and investigative system MJ had access to. She had great connections. 

When she came back at lunch the next day, Peter hadn't slept. The laptop was closed and he was staring at his ceiling wondering if people can tell the smudges are footprints or if they blend well enough into the water damage. 

“So, how is he?”

“He has work. He has a nice place. Good money. He buys stupid expensive lego sets. He has… he has a girlfriend. She is pretty.”

“Oh Peter.” MJ sat on the floor next to him and ran her fingers through his hair. He doesn’t tell her that Wade has a criminal record. That it appears he is a mercenary. That he was probably taking that rage Peter so wanted to fix and was using it to hurt people. Hurt the kind of people that had hurt them when they were young. He was doing what Peter does as Spider-Man but with the hatred Peter never quite had in himself. 

“You could confront him, you know.”

“No.”

“You don’t know if he’s happy. You don’t know if he is just filling the missing piece, like you have. You don’t have to wait for him. You can make the first move.”

Peter scowled. Maybe he does understand the anger.

“No. I won’t be the one to go begging. He left me. He decided I would be better off. But maybe he had it backwards. Maybe he is the one better off. Maybe he was the one who needed protection from me.”

MJ shook her head at him. “You are being stupid Peter.”

He got up from under her and threw the nearest object at the wall. It was a lego spaceship May had bought for him, and it splintered into hundreds of pieces. MJ leaves. She doesn’t get angry. Her past had enough angry men in it. It is the one time she can’t be there for him. 

He lets the anger out as Spider-Man. Wonders how different this violence is from what Wade does. Wonders if Wade would be a hero like him if he had stayed or if Peter would have been the one to change. If Peter would have gotten more violent. He can't decide which idea is more upsetting.

Wade

Wade was living well. Maybe he wasn’t actually happy. Maybe killing people hadn’t really scratched that itch since Skip. Maybe the violence just felt okay because he thought it was all he was good at. Maybe the occasional times he helped out a girl with a stalker or assured a terrified parent that the person who hurt their kid was never coming back, would eventually be enough to make him feel okay. 

But then Wade got sick. 

Cancer. 

He realized he was probably never going to make it to that coffee shop to wave at Peter. He almost went to Queens that night. But what if Peter didn't smile and wave? What if he came over to talk? What if Peter wanted him to stay? How could Wade come back to only have months to be there with him? He couldn’t do that. Couldn't make anyone stay and watch that. Not even Vanessa. 

He knows she can see him thinking about ending it. Knows she recognises his increased self destructive behavior. She was almost as good as Peter at pulling him out of his spirals, but this time they were more than the desire to hit something until both of them were bleeding. More than the itch he has to find a fight that hurts him just right. Until the anger in him can be drowned out by pain. 

She tried talking to him but he usually shuts her out with nonsense. Unrelated pop culture jokes and subject changes. 

He was getting dressed after trying to drown his sorrows in the comfort of her soft skin when she confronted him again. 

“You should go to him.” She doesn’t have to say who she meant. ‘Him’ is the unspoken hurt in their relationship. The part of Wade that is off limits most of the time. More off limits than Wade's abusive dad, or the mother he searched for and found had died in a drug den some years ago. More off limits than the dreams that left him sitting on the bathroom floor next to the toilet. 

“What would be the point?”

“You are dying, Wade.”

“Yeah, I fucking know that.”

“Don’t you want… I know you want to be with him. Don't you think he would want the same?”

“What's the point of it? What’s the point of any of it? Of me loving him enough to leave him. Only to come back and what…. die with him. What would be the fucking point of letting him love me if he is just going to loose me later?”

“Because he is going to lose you later.”

Wade didn’t know what to say to her as she settled back into the bed, watching as he laced up his shoes. He wanted to listen to her. He ached deeper for Peter than he ever thought he could. Wanted him to hold him as he cried. Wanted Peter to be the one to hold his hand when it hurt. But he can’t. He left Peter because he couldn’t leave him. Promised himself he wouldn’t be another person who didn’t come home. After Ben he knows he can’t be another person who dies in front of him. He thought he was sparing Peter, finding him shot or stabbed because of his job. Sickness isn’t that much different. Either way he can’t be another person who leaves Peter. No matter how much he wants to be with him. 

He can’t keep finding comfort in Vanessa either. Can’t let her watch him wither away thinking of the person he would rather find comfort in. 

So he left. 

Took the card of some shady guy offering him some probably very experimental and illegal solution to his cancer.

He did go to New York, but he stuck to the shadows. Watched Peter enter class with a cute redhead. He was skinny still, and didn't look like he had gotten much taller since sixteen. His hair had gotten fluffier somehow. Wade remembered what it felt like between his fingers. 

Then he saw a bruise on Peter's face one day. 

How was he meant to just go away and die when there was someone out there who was hurting Peter. He couldn't protect him if he was dead. 

He called the man on the card.

--

When he let himself be rolled into the suspicious looking facility he asked them to do right by him, because he wants to do right by Peter. 

Sometimes he would call out to Peter in the daze of the pain of his torture. Would tell Peter he was sorry he would be leaving him again. 

When he and other patients reminisce on the people they want to go back to Wade can't help but talk about Peter. 

“I want to make pancakes for my kids again.”

“I want to see Peter.”

“You don’t really talk about him. I know about Vanessa but this Peter, he seems to be someone you are stuck on.”

Wade hummed. He tried to talk about Vanessa with his friends. Tried to pretend her warmth and understanding was what he had been missing. It, in some way, was. But when he thought of getting free he didn't think of settling again. He thought of Peter. Of ignoring all those worries. Of going back to him and being Peter's Captain America for real this time. 

“He was… everything. Like the other half of my soul. I came here because I thought they could make me someone who could protect him.”

But that wasn't what they were doing. When Francis tells him they are making super slaves Wade realized he was never going to be Peter's hero again. That he was not getting better. He was going to leave this place dead or a monster. Peter’s Wade died of cancer the night he rolled through the doors and into the lab. 

But he didn’t die.

He lived. 

Fucked up and more crazy than before but he lived. He came out of the ashes a different man. He couldn’t recognise himself. He didn’t think before he found himself following Peter. 

He had grown again. He was still short and skinny but his shoulders were more square, his face a little more mature. He was really a man now and Wade had missed it. They thought they would grow together but they just kept growing apart. He wanted to run into Peter's arms. Wanted to give Peter his umbrella as he watched Peter walk through the rain and breathe into his hands to try and warm them. 

But he can hear the people around him whisper. Hear their shocked, disgusted whispers. So when Peter turned his face Wade turned away. He watches Peter disappear behind a glass door and stares at his own reflection. He can’t go back to him like this. 

Weasel initially tries to convince him otherwise. But gives in when he sees his fucked up face. Vanessa hasn't seen him but still ends the phone call with cautious encouragement to go back to Peter. She doesn’t ask him to go back to her. 

Then he killed. 

Hunted down Francis and his gang because he needed to fix this. He couldn't go back to Peter until he was fixed.

Those annoying X Men guys tried to make him a hero. But he wasn’t a hero. Not anymore. He was Peter's hero but no one else's. He didn’t want to be. Did he? 

Keeping his distance from Peter was almost not enough. Francis finds out who is after him and escapes because of those stupid X Men. And that sadistic bastard is smart. He knows how to get at Wade. Goes for the one thing Wade cried for when he was tortured. He visits Sister Margaret’s and gives Weasel a distinct photograph of Peter at his college campus with an address. 

Wade checked on Peter more scared than he had been in years. But Peter looked fine. He was drinking coffee in a cafe, reading some huge textbook, glasses barely hanging on his nose. 

Wade almost goes in right then. Almost lives up to his promise to see Peter in a cafe. But he can’t. 

He calls in every favor from the merck he had. Sends eight men to keep an eye on Peter, and then he drags his hero friends to go after Francis. Because he isn’t a hero. But this is about Peter now. And for him, Wade could be one, even if only kind of. 

He admitted he hesitated when Colosos told him he had a moment to be a hero and spare Francis. 

“Wade, now is one of those moments. Don’t kill him.You told me you became what you were to protect someone. That is what heroes do.”

Francis gargled out a laugh though blood.

“Oh Peter, sorry Peter I am sorry I won’t be home,” Francis mocked Wade’s past pleas during his torture. Wade didn’t let him finish his mockery. The splatter was almost as satisfying as Skip's brain matter through his scope.

Now what? 

--

Peters pov:

Peter usually found his days at the Bugle boring, passing in a daze. A small part of him was glad after the chaos that was the other side of his life, but the bigger part of him always craved a little action. His mind a constant scream of information trying to find something engaging enough to focus on so he could drown it all out. But today Peter wished to be back to boredom. Betty Brant, his lovely angel of a co-worker, was cleaning up her desk as the day came to a close and shouted out for Peter, waving a letter around for him. 

“Peter, this came in the Bugle mail addressed to you.”

Peter walked over to her desk skeptically eyeing the envelope. He never got mail. Not at the Bugle. What would someone mail to the photographer? 

Betty placed it in his palm, curiously watching him, probably just as confused by the letter as he was. It was heavy, something solid inside weighing it down. He ripped it open, a small tissue wrapped parcel landing in his waiting palm. Peter flipped open the letter, eyes scanning loopy feminine handwriting. 

Peter,

I know you don't know me and this letter may be a little strange but I felt it was the right thing to do. Maybe the right thing to do would have been to tell you this in person but even if I had the money to travel to you I am not sure I could bring myself to tell you this. 

 I tried to find you for a while but didn’t really know how. But when I saw your name credited under a photo in the Daily Bugle I knew it was my chance. 

My name is Vanessa.

I was Wade Wilson's girlfriend for the past year and a half. But I know I was never his greatest love. You were. I don’t resent you for that. I am glad I got the time with Wade that I did and he was never happier than when he talked of you.

I am so sorry to tell you this Peter but Wade is gone. Nine months ago he got sick. He was diagnosed with a rapidly progressive kind of cancer and given three months to live. 

He left me soon after. I think you and I both know Wade never liked being seen as weak. 

I didn’t have any contacts for Wade's family, nor did the military. The only person from before he ever talked about was you. 

I have mailed you his dog tags. I think he would have wanted you to have them.

I am sorry Peter.

Vanessa

Peter ripped open the tissue paper exposing the metal tags embossed with Wade Wilson. He ignored the shaking of his hands pressing the dog tags and the letter to his chest. The world around him faded out in a white haze. He knew his legs had given out from under him, he knew he was crying but he couldn't hear it and couldn't really feel the tears. All he could feel was the devastation. 

The cold press of the dog tags in his palm. 

All that was left of Wade. 

He curled in on himself feeling his breaths quicken his jaw ache from clenching so hard to keep the wailing in. He knows Betty is trying to talk to him but he can’t respond. He can’t focus past the memories of that last night with Wade. Too long ago. Memories that had become the last comforting dream Peter had left. Dreams of warm arms around his waist, Wade's chest pressed to his back as he mumbled into Peter's ear. That's all they would ever be now. Dreams. 

Betty must have pried the letter from his hand because he notices it's gone when Jamerson’s shouting startles him. He doesn’t look at Jamerson but the mad booming voice breaks though for a second before Peter ignores it. He remains motionless, eyes seeing nothing. Time must have passed because familiar hands encircle Peter and a cascade of red hair dangles in his periphery.

“Peter. Come on, come out of it. I am here to take you home Pete.”

His eyes finally connect to his mind and he manages to give MJ a confused look. 

“Jamerson called me. Said you had some bad news and needed to be taken home. Peter, I am so sorry.”

Peter realizes she is gripping the pink letter in her hand. Part of him is mad that his personal information was passed around but the bigger part of him is glad he didn't have to say it. Didn’t have to explain to MJ that he had lost someone again. That Wade was…

MJ managed to get him home but he didn't register much until he found himself in his pajamas in front of the mirror. He had always wondered if Wade had aged well. He’s pretty sure he would have. Peter hadn’t aged so much in the past four years. He may not quite look sixteen anymore but he still looks young. His face is still long, maybe even more gaunt than when he was a skinny kid, now unable to keep up with his enhanced metabolism. His eyes are still large and rounded, his hair still fluffy and untamable, his nose is more crooked than it used to be but it is only truly in his eyes you can see his aging.

Growing older may not have changed Peter physically but the pain did change his soul. He can see it in his gaze. The loss, the pain, and the fear. He saw it first that morning when Wade left. Now he would never get that light back in his eyes. 

He punched the mirror. 

It shattered into small pieces raining down into the sink and slicing his knuckles open. At least he couldn't see his eyes anymore. 

MJ swung the door open and stood behind him in silence, waiting for a response Peter wouldn’t give. He hadn't even realized she had left the door ajar when he was showering. Guess she was worried enough to not want him in a locked room alone. What a shitty friend he was. Burdening her with his broken heart, showing her those broken pieces he had avoided people seeing in his eyes for so long.

“Oh Peter.” She cradled his hand gently carefully maneuvering around the broken glass to run his knuckles under the water. 

“I was waiting,” Peter whispers. His voice is raspier than usual. He can't really remember sobbing but by the sound of his voice he must have been doing so for a while. 

“Waiting for what Pete?”

“For him. I was waiting for him to come back. He said… in his letter when he left he said one day we would meet again. Told me I would move on. That I would see him again and do nothing more than smile and wave.” Peter chokes on another cry as MJ squeezes his hand and turns off the tap. “But I didn’t. I couldn’t move on. I tried but it just didn’t feel right. Felt like some part of me was missing. Even with Gwen, she could tell. She knew she didn't quite fit that gap. She died knowing that. And now I am never going to fill it. I am going to be empty forever.”

MJ didn't try to argue with him. She was good like that. Knew when you needed someone to call you out on your shit and when to leave it. 

Or maybe she knew he was right, she could see the gap in his soul through his eyes. 

--

Peter got used to being empty. 

Got used to another loss to carry around. 

This one was heavier than the last. Wade's dog tags burned a hole in his chest where they hung. But sometimes that was comforting. The proof Wade was real. That once Peter had someone who understood all of him. Someone to fight in honor of. Another one to add to the list. Another person he might have saved had he been better. He throws himself into Spider-Man more than usual. He gets reckless again. Maybe he had never really stopped being reckless since Gwen. He doesn't care about the broken bones anymore. They were just part of the job. He changes majors. He studies genetic sequencing, gama theory. Looks into projects for early cancer screening and outlandish engineering projects using high tech tools to better target radiation therapy. 

He ends up working in a high tech lab with the one and only Bruce Banner working on technology designed to isolate and eliminate certain parts of a DNA sequence. Like Bruce's mutation or cancer. If they ever get it working. Bruce loves Peter’s work and in turn stops asking about Peter's bruises, tardiness and eye bags. He never stops giving concerned glances. 

MJ’s journalism career takes off and she is rarely in New York anymore. Peter doesn't miss her as much as he should. He never lets himself be still long enough to feel it. He occupies as much of his time as possible with work or Spider-Man. He grows tense and paranoid almost a year after Wade's death; he is sure someone is following him, and feels eyes on him frequently. He becomes terrified when someone finds out about Spider-Man. One day he thinks it is going to escalate. Feels like multiple eyes are on him. But just as suddenly as it picked up it stopped. He blames it on the crumbling of his life around him. The crippling debt, the food and housing insecurity. That too has a sudden and surprising end.  

--

Wades Pov:

Wade doesn't go back to New York right away. Can’t make himself do it. Thinks seeing Peter whilst he looks like this would make the permanence of his condition feel more real. He spirals worse than he ever has before. 

He shoots himself in the head a week later.

The face that awaits him on the other side isn’t one he recognises, she seems familiar but he can’t place her. It’s a young blonde woman, she is pretty.

“Are you like an angel? Because if you are, I think you have the wrong guy.”

“I am a friend of Peter’s.”

“Peter…”

“He is waiting for you, you know.”

Wade shakes his head.

“No, he is waiting for some other Wade. That Wade is gone now. I am not him anymore.”

“Peter has changed too.”

“I am not a good guy anymore”

“Your aren’t a bad guy either. Not really.”

“He doesn't need me.”

The blonde woman laughs. 

“Yeah he does. The same way you need him. You never stopped needing each other.”

“I can’t go back to him and ask him to fix me.”

“Then don’t. Fix yourself. Then come back to him the man he always knew you would be.”

“How?”

“Find inspiration.”

New York was not inspiring at first. It was just as busy and full of assholes as Wade remembered. But he had to see Peter. Had to know if the blonde woman was right. If Peter did need him. If anyone needed him. 

Peter kind of finds him first. 

Wade is in one of his safe houses he’d set up ages ago for when he got jobs in the city. He’s rifling through drawers in the bedroom when the front door opens. 

“Here it is Mr Parker. The rent is paid up for another six months. I don’t care what you do with it but you are not getting paid for the six months.”

Wade can hear someone quietly close the front door after the landlord leaves. That someone 

being Mr Parker. Who must be Peter? God, Peter is just in the other room. Wade can hear him shuffling around. 

“Is this your way of protecting me from beyond the grave Wade? Is that what you are doing now? I am homeless for no more than a week and suddenly an apartment you have paid out for a year falls into my lap because you listed me as your next of kin.”

Wade thinks Peter is laying on the living room floor from the sound of his voice. He hears a wet sniffle. 

“Can’t even stop protecting me when you die can you? Asshole. I can protect myself now, you know. Can hold my own in a fight. Just not my rent I guess.”

A bitter wet laugh echoes through the apartment, and Wade covers his mouth trying not to cry himself.

“God it has been five years Wade, I shouldn’t miss you so much still. But god do I. Why doesn’t anyone ever come home to me Wade? What did I do huh? You tried to protect me from what I know. But jokes on you because you still did it to me, didn’t you?”

Wade hears the couch groan and listens as Peter sniffles for a while before he hears calm breathing. He argues with himself for a while before leaving the bedroom and standing over the couch. Peter is so close. Asleep just below him. He is more beautiful than Wade remembers. Even with red eyes and a yellowing bruise under his left eye. Wade almost reaches out to touch him. To assure him that Peter is really there. But he can’t. He knows he shouldn’t. 

The blonde girl was right. Peter still needed him. He just had to find the right inspiration to get better. 

Then Wade sees him for the first time; Spider-Man. The hero of New York. A skinny, young sounding figure who flips around as Wade watches from afar making hilarious jokes whilst stopping crazy guys with crazier suits. And when an interview asks him why he does what he does Spider-Man says ‘everyone needs to be protected sometimes. Someone protected me once, now I am just putting that back out to the world you know’. 

Wade realized that's it. He had lost it. That thing that made him take that first kill. That desire to protect someone. Even if it was a random teenage girl with a stalker. 

He decides to call Nick Fury. Because it was way funnier to join SHIELD when the X-men have been trying to get to him for ages. If some skinny kid in New York can keep getting up just to protect strangers Wade can be better. 

Peters Pov:

Peter hears about Deadpool from a SHIELD contact. He doesn't get along with SHIELD; as an un-registered mutate and all but he is in their good graces enough that they warn him when they are doing major missions in the city. Maybe it has more to do with avoiding his interference but Peter takes what he can get. SHIELD tells him that the mercenary who Peter had once read about brutalizing a string of task force X agents (Peter is not meant to know about that but Logan was kind enough to warn him about them) is now working for them. They admit he is more violent than usual vigilantes but that is not wholly uncommon for SHIELD. The Mercenary apparently had a change of heart some time ago and now takes contracts for the good guys with far less killing then he used to do before. 

Peter is told to avoid him anyway. SHIELD doesn't want him disrupting their mission. They want to take down the AIM group. Peter pretends to agree. He had been looking for that AIM hub for weeks. He isn’t leaving it to some ex-mercenary to stuff it up. New York is his territory. SHIELD can deal with it or leave. 

Meeting Deadpool goes about as chaotic as Peter's meetings usually go now. It is in the middle of a battle with some AIM guys when a katana flies past his face sliding into the shoulder of a guy about to zap Spider-Man with a cattle prod. 

“Did you just throw a katana?!”

“I did! Did it look cool?”

Peter glances back at the katana on the poor guy's shoulder then to the red clad figure who is approaching. 

“Yeah, pretty cool.”

The red figure pumps a clench fist in celebration. 

“Spider-Man thinks we are cool. This is the best moment of my life.”

“And you are?”

“Deadpool! Huge fan Spidey. I have all your collectible undies.”

Peter takes the gloved hand offered to him in a firm handshake. 

“I have collectible undies?”

Deadpool pulls on Spider-Man's hand, yanking him closer, Spider-Man tilting his head up to look into the others' mask lenses. God, he is kind of sick of all the heroes being taller than him. 

“Do you want to see?”

Peter snorts, shaking his head, taking his spare hand to cover his mouth out of habit despite it being covered anyway. 

“Oh my god Spider-Man is a snorter. He snorts when he laughs. I am adding that to the fantasies. That is adorable.”

Peter chuckles thinking about asking him to clarify his fantasies but is distracted by the familiar buzz of his spider sense. He just manages to jump up, in quick succession his feet leave the ground legs going up and his ankles crossing behind Deadpool's back dragging him down with Peter as he flings to the ground a few feet away out of the path of automatic gun fire. A web simultaneously being shot at the perpetrator and webbing him to the ground with a harsh thud the same moment Peter's back collides with the tarmac. 

He groans, letting his arms flop besides his head. 

“That was so fucking cool. I think I have had this dream before.”

Peter raises his head looking at Deadpool who was hanging over him pinned to Peter's hips by his legs wrapped around him. Peter uncrosses his ankles, planting his feet down and freeing Deadpool.

“Sorry.”

“Please never apologize for wrapping me up in your legs. Please do it again actually.” Deadpool grabs one of his ankles and pulls it to his hips, moving his head in a way Peter is sure is because he is suggestively wiggling his eyebrows. Peter chuckles again and yanks his leg from Deadpools grasp, leaping up from the ground without using his hands. 

“Do you flirt with all the heroes you meet?”

“No, just you handsome. Is it working?”

“I reserve judgment.”

“I’ll take it!” Deadpool stands assessing the men around them. “You want to investigate this place with me, Spidey?”

Peter taps Wade’s dog tags resting on his sternum under his suit, a nervous habit he developed.

“SHIELD told me to stay out of your mission.”

“They may be paying my bills but they don’t have my loyalty. I have been following your hero work for a while, Spidey. It is literally my wet dream to investigate and take down bad guys with you.”

“Well who am I to deny a fan.” Peter shugs, walking towards the warehouse the AIM team had come from. Deadpool literally skips excitedly behind him. It's been a while since he saw a big guy skip like that. Deadpool pulls at something deep in Peter's chest that he tries to ignore. 

It takes four days, two more warehouses and a car chase to uncover the AIM guys plot in the city and dismantle their team. Deadpool is both a very efficient team member and also incredibly talkative. He manages to never once shut up when they are fighting, when they are investigating or when they are doing a stake out on a location. He is a constant stream of jokes, flirty comments about Peter’s ass and general chatter. Peter hasn’t laughed that much since…

He tries his hardest to let the enjoyment wash over him. Tries to ignore the part of his mind that compares Deadpool to the last person who made him really smile like that. Sometimes he can. He lets himself laugh, snort and smile to himself when he is alone and remembering Deadpool’s jokes. Other times he feels the dog tags on his chest burn and his brain whispers guilty feelings in his mind. How dare he think about someone else. How dare he get lost in thoughts about Deadpool's thighs. Romance was off the table. Not after Gewn, and definitely not after Wade. because no one deserves what Gwen got. Being compared to someone they could never compete with and being put in the danger that comes with Spider-Man for a guy that you will always be second choice for. 

When Deadpool announces he is staying in New York Peter is a mix of excited and irritated. He enjoys his company, but he wants to forget about him. Go back to ignoring the empty. Deadpool is a temptation to be happy he hasn’t had in a long time. 

“Why stay in New York, there are a lot of heroes here, you sure you want the competition?”

“I have lived here on and off most of my life. I left for a while. Came back then left again to try and be a hero. I wasn’t going to stay honestly. But there is someone here that I am trying to keep an eye on.”

“Keep an eye on an old enemy or something I should be concerned about?”

“No. He is… was… I don’t know. Someone to me. He isn’t anymore. But I still care, you know. I want him to be safe. I was just going to check on him and leave it. But I don’t think he is doing too well. So I think I will stick around and make sure things get better.”

“So you are trying to get back with an ex?”

“Nah he has no idea I am here.”

“Why?”

“I am not the same guy I was once. Lets just say what's under the suit isn’t rebound material. But I can make sure he is safe even if he doesn’t see me.”

“So you are stalking him?”

Deadpool shugs.

“Technically. But can you tell me you haven't used your superheroing to watch someone you care about from a distance. Just to keep them safe.”

Peter remembers watching Gwen when their relationship was on one of their many breaks. He shugs in agreement with Deadpool. He understands, heroes don’t get to be with their people. 

The consequences are too big. 

“If you need help with him. You know, if he is in some deep shit, you can ask for my help.”

Deadpool nods playfully, shoving his shoulder into Peters. 

“We do make a pretty great team.”

Peter smiles under the mask.

“Yeah, not half bad.”

--

Wades Pov

Deadpool was kind of a hero now. Well a hero for hire. It had been almost a year since he’d found Peter in his safe house and decided to take one from Spider-Man's book. And he had never felt sure of his decision. He came back to New York to check on Peter and go back out there as a hero. But Peter wasn’t on the fast track to success like Wade had expected. He thought after all that time Peter would be doing better. Would have moved on a little more. He thought leaving a couple thousand dollars in the safe house for Peter was enough. But when he snuck into the apartment after watching Peter leave for work what he found was not the home of someone who was doing better. 

The place had half the furniture it once did, it was messy and the fridge was bare. When Wade went to the bedroom there was a trash bin full of bloodied tissues and bandages that made Wade hyperventilate. The sheets were stained with splatters of blood in different colours, some faded and brown like they had been there multiple washes and others still reddish enough that they couldn’t be more than a day old. 

What was Peter doing that would leave this much blood? Wade snoops through the bedside drawer, finds painkillers and glasses in the top drawer. No knife or blade of any kind. He went through the lower compartment. Found lube, butt plugs and a dildo. 

No knives. 

Under the bed was a large first aid kit that was mostly used. But the scalpel in it was still in the sealed sterile package. The bathroom proved to also lack any obvious self harm implements. The mirror was cracked badly right below Wade's eyeline. Probably right where Peter's eyes met the mirror. 

Wade had no choice but to conclude that Peter probably wasn't the one hurting himself. It didn’t make him feel a whole lot better, because that meant someone else was hurting Peter. And Wade had been so busy trying to become good enough for him he wasn’t there for him. Again. 

He decided to stay in New York. Keep an eye on Peter. Use this opportunity maybe to work with the hero that inspired him in the first place. 

Spider-Man was more amazing in person. He was cute. Like hot enough Wade couldn’t stop himself from flirting even when it made him feel bad because it felt like he was betraying Peter. Even if he never really intended to let Peter see him again. Because Peter may be a disaster right now but he was still a beautiful one. And Wade was going to guardian angel the shit out of him until Peter was that amazing success Wade had told him he would be. 

Keeping track of Peter was harder than it should be. He could follow him to coffee shops, work in the lab, watch him stumble out of his apartment half asleep in the morning. But what was hurting him was confounding Wade. There was no alcohol in the apartment. He never went to bars. Came home after work at a decent time. But then somehow he came out the front door looking more ragged each day. There was no one else going in the door that could be the perpetrator. And the only place Wade left unwatched was the 6th story window on the other side of the building leading into Peter's bedroom. Which didn’t even have a fire escape. So unless Peter was grappling hook flying out his window, he wasn’t leaving his house at night. So why did he appear with bruises on the regular? Why did he look exhausted? Was he still having nightmares like he did when they were young? How was Wade meant to help when he couldn’t ask what was wrong?

Spending time with Spidey became a comforting outlet for his frustrations about failing to solve the Peter problem. Spidey was distracting. For moments Wade found himself not thinking about Peter because Spidey was all his brain could focus on. He was funny in a sarcastic and sometimes dark way, he understood Wade's references and never questioned Wade when he spoke to himself or got angry. He would just place his hand on Wade's chest, use super strength if needed and ask Wade some kind of stupid question. It was the fastest Wade had been calmed in years. 

“How do you just stop yourself from going into that rage space Spidey?”

“Sometimes I don’t. There have been many occasions where I have let the white noise drown me out. Gotten so many punches in that I could have killed someone. But there are people I do this in honor of and they wouldn’t want me to have blood on my hands. Well maybe one of them wouldn't have minded so much if those people were dead but he probably wouldn't want me to do the killing. He had a whole thing about my innocence and all.”

Wade hummed. He didn't know other people thought of anger like a blinding white noise. It was nice to feel understood again.  

--

Peter came out of his apartment with a limp one morning. Wade hadn’t watched the place the night before, distracted by a fight with the Rhino he helped Spidey with. 

He decided enough was enough. 

He made a collision course with Peter as he entered a coffee shop. He realized what he was doing as he came into the line for coffee, watching Peter sit down feeling the store all stare at the fully suited up Deadpool that had just entered. Peter didn't look up from his drink for a few minutes before clearly sensing the tension in the air. Wade was unable to stop staring at him. Peter's eyes met his masked ones. He wouldn't recognise him. He couldn’t because he was Deadpool right now. Deadpool wasn’t Wade, there was nothing recognizable about him. Even his voice had changed, his damaged vocal cords making it gravely and raspy. 

Peter stared back for a moment and furrowed his brows looking around checking if Deadpool was staring at anyone else. When he saw he wasn’t he raised a hand and gave an uncomfortable smile and wave. 

It wasn’t enough.

Wade threw caution to the wind and approached Peter sitting down across from him. 

“Hey.”

“Um hello Mr Deadpool sir.”

Oh god he was still adorable. Why was Wade doing this? It was a terrible idea. He couldn’t pretend to be strangers with Peter. This was so stupid. What was his reason for approaching a random civilian!?

“You take pictures of Spider-Man right? For the Bugle?”

Great job Wade now Peter knows you stalk him. 

“Um yes. Well not as much as I used to but I did a lot when he first was about. And I still do sometimes. What is this about? I can’t say I was expecting to have coffee with a vigilante this morning.” Peter smiled a little, taking a sip of his drink, the whip briefly sticking to his lip before he licked it away. 

Wade was going to die right there. He had spent so long thinking Spider-Man was tantalizing lately he forgot that his real weakness had always been Peter. Those damned bambi eyes and pouty lips with the deep cupid's bow. 

“Well I was going to ask you for some original prints but then I saw you hobbling down the street and thought Spidey might want a hero checking up on his photographer. Who hurt your leg Peety?”

Peter stiffened suddenly. Fuck, nickname. He shouldn't have called him Peety. They weren't Wade and Peety right now, this was Deadpool and Peter Parker the civilian he was checking up on. Peter seemed to snap out of it decently quickly but he looked a whole lot more uncomfortable than he had a few moments ago. 

“No one hurt my leg. Just a skateboarding accident. Maybe I am too old to be skateboarding, how old is the limit do you think? Was it when I was twenty? Is twenty three too old or can I push it to twenty five?”

Peter was lying. Right to his face. He was looking a well known vigilante (hero? what is the right term here?) in the eye (mask) and lying about being in danger. Wade not only knew this because he had never once seen Peter leave his place with a skateboard but also because apparently Peter still never learnt how to lie to Wade. His tells were the same. Wade sighed. 

“Look Peter. I tracked you down so I could get some sweet pics of the spandex clad ass of my favorite web head but now I am a concerned hero looking out for a civilian. If you change your mind and want help with whatever is going on please give me a call. I promise I will answer.” Wade pulled a crayon out from his utility belt and the pad of hello kitty sticky notes he kept with them. He wrote his number down and lazily drew his logo giving the note to Peter and left the shop refusing to look back because he wasn't sure he wouldn't just pick Peter up and kidnap him to keep him safe. That would be rude. And creepy. But he thought about it. Because he was rude. And creepy. Sometimes. 

--

Peters Pov

Peter hobbled his way to his usual morning coffee shop, cursing Rino internally for dislocating his hip last night (this morning?). It was back in place now but man did it still ache. This coffee place was the closest to his apartment but was one of five he visited each day. He had started populating coffee shops as much as possible when he was in senior year. He told himself it was because of the free wifi but really it was because he had hoped one day he would look up and see Wade waiting in line. Like Wade had said he would be. He went to multiple places that he thought Wade would like to increase his chances of walking into him. 

Now it was habit or a morbid hope that it was all a lie that Wade would still appear one day. Peter wanted to stop living in this liminal space of waiting for someone who couldn't return but he also couldn’t bare to. So he sat in coffee shop after coffee shop waiting. 

Then he looked up to see Deadpool standing in line. The red clad hero that had slowly been creeping into his dreams as of late. Sometimes Peter would awaken and the voice of Wade in his dreams had morphed into Deadpool's, his muscular arms encased in red leather. But Deadpool was Spider-Man's friend. So why was he staring at Peter Parker?

Peter smiled and waved uncomfortably. Maybe Deadpool wasn’t the figure he was waiting for but lately he hoped he could be enough. Deadpool approached strangely stiff, like he was as surprised he was here as Peter was. Did he know Peter was Spider-Man? Was he feeling bad about stalking his secret identity? 

Apparently this was not an uncomfortable identity reveal. No, this was Deadpool trying to buy pictures of Spider-Man. Peter wasn’t surprised by this behaviour, actually kind of flattered but then Deadpool asked him about his limp and sounded concerned and protective. Peter couldn't handle people being protective of him. It wasn’t their job. It wasn’t anyone's job anymore. Needing people meant hurting when they left. Peter didn’t need people anymore. He could like them. Care for them, they could need Peter or need Spider-Man but he couldn't need anyone. 

Not again. 

He tried to deflect, using the good old skateboard excuse despite breaking the board two years ago and never replacing it, but by Deadpool's body language alone he could tell he didn’t believe him. Were all mercenaries so good at lie detecting? May and Banner fell for that one every time, hell even MJ did sometimes and she really ought to know better. Then Deadpool pulled a crayon from his belt pocket and wrote his number down. 

Peter was too stunned to even say anything. The messy crayon written note left a pit in his chest, he held the dog tags so tight he drew blood. Who writes in crayon? Why would Deadpool try and protect him then write him a note in crayon? Was the universe mocking him? Or did his type somehow include protective crayon using maniacs?

He kept the note under his pillow and cried about Wade for the first time in months. He thought the tears had finally stopped but he supposed he hadn't thought about the surprise trigger that was crayons. 

He didn’t call Deadpool of course. He ignored it when he felt eyes on him in the street. Pretended he didn't see Deadpool occasionally hanging about places near his work or in the cafes he frequented. Deadpool was once a mercenary of course he could follow a civilian he thought was in danger. But Deadpool wasn't Peters, he couldn't be. 

So Peter indulged himself in keeping the man's company as much as he could in the night. Behind the safety of the mask, the safety of a man who needed no help. It was easier to interact with him like this. Spider-Man felt so separate from Peter and his hang ups, from his past and his loss. Spider-Man could get attached to Deadpool because Spider-Man hasn't lost anyone and he didn’t need anyone. 

Then he did. 

Getting hurt as Spider-Man was part of the job. Something Peter tried to convince himself he didn’t like. Pretend it didn’t make him feel more alive to hurt. Pretend he didn’t think he deserved it. But getting hurt like this, especially in front of someone, wasn't something he had done in a long time. Not since Gwen had been washing gunshot blood from his clothes so May wouldn’t see. 

It was Scorpion, someone Peter usually dealt with well. But he had upgraded, caught Peter on a bad day after little to no sleep staring at the ceiling trying not to see Gwen's body hanging by a web above him. He was smashed into the ground over and over. He felt a sharp stinging pain shoot down the side of his face. Black spots filled his vision; he could feel his eyes strain and his ears ring. 

When the tail left his chest and his body was left pressed to the concrete for a blissful moment he thought he was spared, then he was thrown into the side of a shipping crate, the clang of his body audible over sounds of gunshots. Which could mean only one thing. 

Deadpool had arrived. 

He tried to watch as Deadpool charged into the fight reckless and excited like a child playing tag but his vision continued to swim. The ringing in his ears didn’t stop until he was encased in warm arms. Was he dreaming again? Why was it always the same dream? Wade asleep behind him, safe in bed, his arms around him. But he wasn’t in bed. The arms around him were in leather, not bare. Dots connected as his alertness came and he found Deadpool’s chin above him as he carried Spider-Man away somewhere. 

“Don’t worry baby boy, I’ll get you patched up in no time. I can play doctor. I am good at it you’ll see. Although I prefer it when you are the one playing doctor.”

Peter choked on a breath. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t sit still and let someone care for him like that again. Especially not Deadpool. This was too close. Too much like Wade. He couldn't bare it. He was leaping from Deadpool's grasp and swinging away before he felt the immense pain all over his body. 

By the time he could get up and move about he had missed work and two coffee shop appointments in his schedule. His ribs felt much better but his head was worse for wear. He is certain his skull is fractured at his temple, the side of his forehead is black and there is a deep uneven gash extending from the corner of his eye up into his hairline. It isn't the kind of sharp cut you get from a blade but the jagged uneven line you get from when skin splits open along where your bone has cracked. His eyes were probably shot to hell but he fortunately couldn’t see them in his mirror because he had never replaced it. 

He decided to go out and pick himself up some chicken noodle soup from the chinese place down the street and then wallow in bed for a little longer and pray his shitty healing factor took care of the concussion and fractured skull.

He forgot about his little stalking problem. He had told Deadpool not to worry about it when he had asked Spider-Man if he kept tabs on his old photographer. He thought hero to hero advice would dissuade the bee Deadpool had gotten in his bonnet about Peter. 

But then large gloved hands were gripping Peter's bicep and pulling him aside an alley and boxing him in between muscular arms.

“I told you to call me Peter!”

“I am…” Peter cringed at the raspy whisper he managed to produce. 

“Oh my god don’t tell me you are fine! Have you seen the state of your head? I could see it from across the street! You look like someone tried to crack you open like a watermelon!”

Peter sighed, shrugging trying to glare at him but Deadpool only grabbed his chin. 

“Fuckin hell baby boy why wont you let me help?” Deadpool sounded hoarse. Like his eyes were watering under the mask. Why was he so invested in the health of some civilian who took photos of the guy he clearly liked more? So what if Peter didn’t come home one night. There was no one waiting there for him. There were plenty waiting on the other side. Peter shrugged. Deadpool groaned like this was physically hurting him to see.

“Peter, it is okay to save yourself sometimes. Let me.”

Peter feels his chest tighten. Memories of Ben glancing past his mind. He reaches on instinct for the dog tags hanging from his neck. Deadpool catches the motion and Peter could see his hands pick up something silver. 

Wades dog tags. 

Deadpool froze and Peter uses the opportunity as quickly as he can. He snatches the tags from Deadpool’s fingers and storms away faster than probably normal but he didn’t care. Deadpool didn’t get to do that, care like that. He didn’t know Peter and he wasn't his problem. He slept on MJ’s couch that night. His mind is clear by the next day and the gash on his head is still nasty but at least it is closed. 

--

Wades pov

Wade was furious and confused and devastated and he didn’t know what to do with his feelings. He just stood there and let Peter walk away when someone had clearly tried to kill him. He let himself be distracted because Peter was wearing his dog tags. Because maybe the blonde girl was more right than he had thought. 

Every time Wade died she was waiting for him and even if he was only on the other side for a moment she always told him to go back because Peter was still waiting. He had thought she was a figment of his imagination, some part of his subconscious that was telling him what he wanted to hear. But Peter was wearing his dog tags still. Seven years later. 

Now Wade didn’t know where Peter was and was no closer to finding out what was going on with him and there were not enough bad guys to shoot. He spent a whole day hitting and kneecapping every creepy guy copping a feel and thief he could find but the anger was still consuming. The white noise is still buzzing louder and louder. The first sound he actually heard though it all was Spidey. 

“You got a plan for the anger fest or just taking on whatever you see though the tv static?”

“If you have better suggestions please share because the static is still buzzin and daddys got a lot of rage to work though.”

“Bad day?” 

Wade growled.

“You ever try and help someone who is really good and not getting help?”

“I try to help myself all the time.”

Wade huffed not in the mood for sass tonight. 

“Either you direct me to something to punch or leave. I royally cocked it up last night and have gotta work out my anger before I go full crazy and kidnap someone or something.”

“I got suspicious activity in Chinatown that is probably gun trading with Fisk's men. You want in?”

“God yes.”

--

The fight was thankfully more than just a small group of gun traders. It was clearly a trap for vigilantes. As soon as they arrived dozens of men trickled out of the surrounding buildings, guns blazing. Deadpool let himself get lost in the chaos too angry to even make jokes as the slammed men fell hard into the ground. 

“Wow you weren't kidding about the rage. I have never seen you this angry. What's got your collectible Spider-Man undies in a twist?”

“I fucking tried to tell you to keep an eye on that old photographer of yours and you tell me he is fine! But I know he isn’t fine because he hasn’t been for ages! I stayed in New York to keep an eye on him to try and figure out what was going on with him. But I just can’t figure it out! He shows up yesterday fuckin half dead and has the audacity to pretend he is fine! I used to be his personal Captian America and now when I am actually a real fuckin superhero I can’t even protectect him from someone nearly fucking murdering him!” Wade screams the last part out over his gunshots as he shoots some guy in the knee cap snapping his head back at Spider-Man in frustration. 

Spidey is frozen. Stiller than Wade had ever seen him. He doesn’t even move as a man runs out behind him and shoots him in the shoulder. Deadpool runs forward pulling Spider-Man aside out of the line of fire. Bullets impact with his torso before he manages to shoot the guy's hand and incapacitate him. He stares back at Spidey who still hasn’t moved. 

“Wade?”

Then Wade sees black. Damn those bullets must have hit an artery.

--

Peters pov

Peter had a feeling the activity coming up in Chinatown would be a trap so he swung around the city for a moment looking for Deadpool. He wasn’t expecting him to still be in a bad mood after yesterday but he clearly was. Maybe Spider-Man should have a talk about not getting attached to every sad looking civilian who crossed his path. Or maybe something else had happened to make Deadpool mad? Because this was a little bit of an overreaction. He still needed back up though so he invited Deadpool to work out that fury in a helpful way. 

And then Deadpool was talking about Peter. Then he implied Peter was the ex he had stayed in New York to protect which was impossible because Peter had no exes who were alive. Then he said he used to be Peter's personal Captain America. And everything slotted into place. He had looked up at him in the coffee shop and smiled and waved, he called him Peety, the familiar jokes and feeling, the over protectiveness of Peter, the god damned crayons!

“Wade?” Peter finally managed to rasp out. Deadpool was Wade. He had to be. Wade was right there in front of him and… he was bleeding, falling to the ground. All the noise and chaos suddenly came back to Peter and he remembered he was in the middle of a fight. A bullet wound in his shoulder stinged and he whipped around firing webs at the last four men who were approaching. He spun around back to Wade so fast he could have gotten whiplash and was on his knees in front of him quick enough to bruise. Deadpool- Wade was still. He hauled the bulky figure into his arms. 

“Deadpool? Wade? Come on, say something!”

There was no response. There was just blood. A Lot of it. Peter gripped Wade close to his chest with one arm and swung away from the scene as fast as he could with the extra dead weight. He was hauling in through his window just as he started to get dizzy. Wade still wasn’t moving. 

Peter yanked his own mask off, then Wades. Under the suit was a molten mess of scars. Not an inch of skin was smooth, all of it was shades of red and pink raised or sunken in. When Spider-Man had heard Deadpool had been tortured by weapon X and it changed him he had thought it was sad. But now knowing it was Wade who had been through that. Peter felt sick. He moved his hand to cup Wade's jaw. He was scarred and hairless but Peter could still see Wade under there. The same strong jawline, same angular nose, even the outline of his rounded bottom lip was still visible though the scars. It really was Wade under there. Peter had been waiting so long for him. Thought maybe Deadpool could be how he moved on. Jokes on him he supposed. 

But Wade still wasn’t moving. Peter’s enhanced hearing wasn’t picking up on a heart beat, and the body in his arms was getting colder. 

Peter didn’t wail. He didn’t sob. Grief was funny that way. 

It got quieter with each repeat. 

Peter held Wade and waited. He waited until Wade's body had gotten cold in his arms. He waited until the sun began to rise in his window. He waited until his arm was numb and his head was dizzy from the blood loss from his shoulder. The universe had done enough. Taken enough. Deadpool was known for his healing factor. Peter had seen him regrow a hand. People said he was immortal. He had to come back. He had to. He ignored the part of him that said people don’t come back Peter. All they do is leave. You know that Peter. 

Darkness took him before the body was stiff.

--

Wade 

The blonde woman was more urgent with her pleas for him to get up than usual. 

“Get up now Wade. He needs you!”

But getting up from being dead was hard. Multiple bullets were difficult. 

When he awoke he coughed so hard he thought he broke a rib as he spat bullets into his hand. Wait, that means. He reached up and felt his mask was gone. And those were Spider-Man's hands on his chest, legs either side of him holding him. Spider-Man had seen his hideous face. And held his body, by the looks of the sky out the window he had done so for hours. 

Spider-Man had called him Wade. Right before he died, Spider-Man had said his name. 

He turned around, the arms sliping loseley off his chest as he moved. 

Peter's face was right behind him. Peter was Spider-Man. Wade had fallen for the same man twice. And Peter knew he was Wade. And he was still. Too still. Wade grabbed at Peter's face and taped it.

“Peter? Peety?”

His face lulled to the side heavily and Wade felt panic creep up his neck. He gently pressed at the gash along Peter’s head noticing it was closed despite the relatively short time since Wade had seen it last. He looked down at Spidey's (Peters!) spandex clad figure catching on the darker spot on his shoulder. That's right Spidey had been shot. Which means Peter had been shot and sat there bleeding out whilst Wade took his sweet time resurrecting. Wade remembers Spidey saying something about a healing factor and hopes it is half decent. He peels off the top half of the suit to get a better look at the wound. 

“Alright Peety doctor Wade is here and I am going to get you all fixed up just like when we were kids remember. Except this time it was crazy men with guns instead of Flash Tompson with internalized homophobia. And this is a bullet hole and not a dislocated shoulder.”

He carries Peter to the bathroom, laying him in the shower bath before running back to the bedroom to grab that sad first aid kit he had found. He looks out the window behind him for a second and a laugh forces its way out of him.

“Of course, the sixth story window I leave unattended is how he gets out because fucking Spider-Man just jumps out the god damned window. And here I was trying to figure out what you were doing at night and I was right there with you!”

Wade hysterically laughs on his way to the bathroom because the universe was fucked up and crazy. He kneels next to the tub and uses the shower head to gently wash the wound on Peter's shoulder before pouring alcohol rub on it to sterilize. 

Peter awoke with a hiss. Those huge bambi eyes Wade had missed so much met his without the mask for the first time in seven years. Wade stopped breathing. Even as Peter stared back at him and reached out a hand to touch Wade's face.

“It’s really you isn’t it. Your eyes are the same but they look…older.”

Wade grabs Peter's hand with his, pressing Peter's cool palm into his cheek. 

“It is really me Peety.”

Peter's fond smile turned into a strong pout and in a swift motion he raised his other arm and socked Wade right in the snoz. 

“OUCH what the shit Parker!”

“You know what that was for!” Peter used the natural grip he had on Wade's face with his sticky palm to pull Wade back and planted a kiss on Wade’s lips. Not nearly long enough for Wade's liking. 

“Ah and was that for the leaving and later stalking also or…?”

“I was waiting for you.”

“So I was told. God Peety, I am so sorry.” Wade pressed his forehead to Peters and sighed, gripping the back of Peters head with his palm and kissing his forehead. 

“You were dead,” Peter whimpers, hands moving to grip tightly at the leather covering Wade's shoulders.

“Yeah I was. Got better. Kind of.”

“Why did you stay away, hide from me?”

Wade pressed his nose into the crook of Peter's neck. 

“Look at me Peety, I am not the Wade you remember. I look like Freddie Krugers left butt cheek.”

Peter pressed his cheek to the side of Wade's head. 

“You look like Wade to me.”

Wade let tears slide down his nose as he reached up to gently grab Peter's shoulder. He hissed in pain. 

“Shit I forgot I was in the middle of dealing with the bullet hole in your shoulder!” 

Peter chuckled, leaning back a little so Wade could get a look at it. 

“It is fine.”

“You really need to look at a dictionary sometime. Peety you keep using that word. It does not mean whatever you think it means.” Wade grabbed gauze from the medical kit he had set down next to his knees and pressed it to the wound glad it was clean though. 

“It will be closed after I have a little sleep. My healing factor is half decent, you know.”

“God Peety, I was meant to be the Captain America in this relationship. You were meant to be the hotty waiting at home for me.”

Peter rolled his eyes.

“I seem to remember you were meant to be the sexy house wife and I was going to be the rich ceo.”

Wade hummed, grabbing the tape to stick the gauze down. 

“I kept tabs on you for a while. Making sure you were safe. Throwing yourself into danger in a spandex suit seems to slip through my guys' observations.”

“I had people to fight in honor of. Ben. Then Gwen. Later you. I remembered someone protecting me once and decided everyone needs to feel that way sometimes.”

Wade used his thumb to gently smooth out the last part of the tape staring intently at the little crinkle in his handy work, avoiding Peter's gaze. 

“I wasn’t as righteous in your memory Peety.”

“I know I kept tabs on you too.”

Wade moved his gaze to Peter's eyes. Expecting to see some kind of disappointment in them. He found none.

“I know you were dishonorably discharged not long after a general died under your protection. A general called Skip Wescott. I know you probably thought you were doing the world a service. I understand the desire. I know when you were a mercenary you followed a code. One of your own making. And I know Deadpool decided to stop killing for money a year ago. After weapon X, after you hunted down those responsible. I don’t know why.”

Wade smiled, cupping Peter’s cheeks between his hands. 

“A little guy in red and blue spandex inspired me to be better. So I might be worthy of coming home to a certain bambi eyed guy I am stuck on.”

Peter smiled briefly before being swallowed by a yawn. Wade took this as the perfect cue to move this discussion out of the bathroom. He scooped Peter up carrying him to the bedroom and sitting him gently on the bed. 

“We have a lot to talk about.”

“We can do that after you get some sleep. You need to heal that bullet wound.”

“Promise you will be here when I wake up?”

“Promise.”

Peters Pov

Wade wasn’t next to Peter when he awoke. He reached out to the other side of his bed hoping to find someone else there for once only to find it cold and empty as usual. Panic filled him as he sat up looking around the room hoping to find any sign of Wade. No one was there. 

“Wade!” Peter shouted, a voice hoarse from disuse and labored breathing. He was grabbing at the dog tags on his chest trying to breathe as he heard thundering footsteps run down the short hall from his living/kitchen space to the bedroom. The door slammed open and Peter was engulfed in familiar warm arms in seconds. God was it nice to wake up to them instead of waking up to finding them gone. 

“You weren’t here when I woke up I thought…” Peter choked. Wade squeezed tighter. 

“I didn’t go anywhere. I was making breakfast.”

“I thought it was a dream.”

Wade kissed the crown of Peter's head. 

“Very real. Promise.”

Peter gripped tightly at Wade only now registering the silky material under his fingers. He looked down at Wade's figure. His broad chest was snugly encased in a dark pink but almost red silk nightgown that was stretched desperately over his chest and taunt over his thighs where it was only just decently covering him. If that. 

“Are you wearing a silk nightie?”

Wade took a step back and twirled.

“You like? Forgot I had this one.”

“Where did you even get that?”

Wade shrugged.

“I still had an emergency go bag in one of the air vents here. Remember this was once my place.”

Peter smiled remembering the mountain of dresses he donated when he finally went through the wardrobe here. 

“And your emergency go bag for your job as a mercenary included a sexy nightgown?”

“Ohh Peety you think it is sexy.”

Wade smiled walking back into Peter's space and grabbing his hips. 

“I honestly worried you might have stopped this when you joined the military. I wondered if all that macho energy would have made you suppress this part of yourself,” Peter mumbles, tracing a finger along the lace touching Wade's collar bone. 

“Nah if anything it made it more special. Putting on a nice dress after spending all that time in a bland uniform. I like my red suit much more. I need drama.”

Peter snorted. Wade really was still Wade. He had changed but so much of him hadn't so much of what Peter loved about him was still there. 

Peter pushed himself up slightly onto his toes to close that small gap in height and kiss Wade. It was different from before, Wade’s mouth was rougher from the scars, there were no patches where his shaving wasn’t quite smooth enough like when they were younger. Peter knew he had a few rough patches from shaved spots where pathetic facial hair started to grow though when he was twenty. But the underlying feeling was still there. It was right, and exciting and comforting all at the same time like finally figuring out what you were craving after feeling like you wanted something for days. Like that piece Peter could see still missing in his eyes was there. 

Wade tangled his fingers though Peter's hair and broke the kiss only for a moment before returning it back again and again. 

“I made pancakes.”

Kiss

“They are getting cold.”

Kiss

“We should eat them.”

Kiss.

Peter nodded into the kiss smiling at Wade. When he released him. Wade looked down at him and laughed. 

“You look ridiculous in just the bottom half of your suit. Silly little spandex pants. Although the view…”

Peter poked Wade's chest and rushed to his draws, slipping on a large night t shirt before pulling his suit pants off, throwing them to a corner of his room. Sleeping in the suit was a terrible idea now his ass was sweaty and the suit would have weird wrinkles until he washed it. 

“Woah stripping in front of me, you know our previous relationship history doesn't mean we can just skip right to the good stuff.”

“Pancakes Wade.”

Peter walked out of the room to a huge buffet laid out on his counter. He didn't think the kitchen had ever seen so much food. He didn't realize he had things to make that much food. The flour had been sitting in the back of his cupboard for ages and he only had milk and eggs because he was currently addicted to scrambled eggs. 

“Did I go overboard? My healing factor makes me hungry a lot. I don’t know if yours does too? Do you have a heightened metabolism? Is that why you are so skinny? I mean you were always skinny but I expected you to fill out a little. But you are still a stick and I…”

Peter shoved a pancake in his mouth and groaned happily.

“Trust me you can never feed me too much.”

Wade relaxed and sat down on the other kitchen stool. 

“So heightened metabolism then?”

Peter nodded. 

“And the other powers how did you… Please don’t tell me something like weapon X…”

Peter shook his head. They spent the next few hours discussing each other's hero origins, and how they got their powers. What they were. Weaknesses and strengths, other hidden quirks of the powers like Wade's high body temp to Peter's allergy to peppermint or habit of falling asleep on the ceiling. It was great to get to know eachother again but the more they talked the sadder Peter felt about how much of Wade's life he had missed. 

“And Vanessa she…”

“You know about Vanessa?”

“Yeah she was the one who told me you were dead. That you had gotten cancer and disappeared.”

Wade reached out and picked up the dog tags from Peter's chest.

“She gave you the dog tags?”

“Yeah. They… I like the reminder that you were real. That someone did once make me feel… understood. I was hoping to find that again, you know. Thought it might be in Deadpool.”

Wade nodded, still looking at the tags. 

“Vanessa is fine. And Gwen.. I know you dated her in senior year.”

Peter leaned back out from Wade's personal space, a familiar guilt clawing up his throat. 

“She died. First year of college. Spider-Man… I couldn't save her from Harry and I couldn't save Harry from himself.”

Wade stood crushing Peter in a hug, slipping Peter's legs onto his hips so Wade could carry him to the couch. 

“Peter, you have no idea how sorry I am. How terrible I felt when I came out of military service and looked you up and found out that Ben had died a month after I left. I just left you there and then so much happened that I know you needed me for but I was too cowardly to go back to you. Thought you were better without me.”

Peter shifted back now stradling Wade hips on the couch. 

“I know you thought you were protecting me. And I didn’t exactly try hard to find you. If I had wanted to when you left service I could have. You know I could. I knew you were in Canada, I knew you weren’t in the military anymore. I looked. But I wanted to wait until you came back to me. Didn’t want to be the one to come begging. I should have. You went to that awful place, they hurt you so much and I wasn’t there, not even for recovery.”

Wade pulled Peter's teary face down to press their foreheads together. 

“We are both stupid. But we have each other now right?”

“Let's go back to that unhealthy codependency my therapist talked about when I was twelve.”

Wade chuckled.

“Okay. Sounds great.”

--

Wade

They spend the day talking, crying a fair amount. Wade spills out all his trauma in vivid detail and blurts out answers to questions Peter didn’t even ask yet. Like he had just been waiting for someone to tell. Maybe he had. It is a deeper extension to the talk they had in the morning but with more tears. Less clinical facts about the parts of each other's lives they missed. More admitting to how much being apart had crushed them. Wade talks about killing himself. Peter talks about leaning into punches about the anger he would feel when he went out as Spider-Man to find a fight and came home with little to show for it. Mad he had nothing to push, nowhere to put his feelings. 

When the tears have dried and the secrets have been spilled Wade feels lighter. Happier. Looking down at Peter who had settled on his chest he feels like none of the hurt he had just talked about matters. Because when Peter looks up at him and smiles nothing hurts anymore. His mind blanks of any feeling but Peter's gaze. Because Peter looks at him and doesn’t see Deadpool, does not see a crazy ex-mercenary. Does not see some twisted weapon x project. He sees Wade. Being Wade felt like enough here. Because Wade is all Peter ever wanted from him. 

Their bonding and catching up is cut short about halfway through dinner. Something crackles loudly in the distance.

“Herman.”

Peter grumbles and he leaps up from the couch.

“Huh.”

“That is the sound of Herman aka The Shocker. I have got to…”

Peter halts his hurrying out to the bedroom to look back at Wade. He realises Peter is asking him ‘Are you coming?’ Because Wade may have gotten Peter back but he got Spider-Man too. And this is what he does now. Leaps up from the couch to go charging into a fight without a second thought. Wade pulls himself from the couch and rushes to the bedroom to suit up. Peter smiles at him. Maybe he expected Wade to try and stop him. Or maybe he thought he would stay behind. But Wade had been fighting with Spidey on and off for a while now. No way was he stopping now. If anything this would make him more motivated. 

Peter is suited up and half out the window by the time Wade has his pants and boots on. 

“Can I get a head start or…?”

Peter has clearly never worked in a team. He isn’t like Wade. he wasn't trained in this. Wade noticed it when he was watching Spider-Man. He fought with great agility and innovative thinking but he didn't fight like he knew what he was doing. It was all that Spidery instinct he had. 

“One second baby boy you are way faster than me. If you don’t mind me hitching a ride then we can actually do this thing together.”

“Hitching a… oh yeah sure.”

Wade eyes him curiously. Peter is easy to read, even covered head to toe. He is nervous for some reason. 

“Can you carry me?”

“Dude.”

Wade snorts at the deep offense Peter manages in a single word.

“What? It is a fair question.”

“You may be bulkier than me but you aren't that much taller dude. And besides I have super strength. I carried you here, didn't I.”

Wade snorts again. Sure Peter sitting at nose height wasn’t that much shorter. Short ass still in denial. He should introduce him to Logan they could bond about being short (Peter would actually be the taller one for once)

“I meant with the shoulder but I guess you brought me here with it.”

Peter nods and turns around putting his arms back offering Wade a piggy back. He giggles gleefully. 

“This is totally one of my fantasies, you know.” He says into Peter's ear as he climbs on. 

“You are going to have to write all these fantasies down so we can start crossing them off.”

Wade laughs. He would hold Peter to that promise. Peter and the superhero he has been drooling over being the same guy was the biggest win he could get. 

Swinging off into the rapidly darkening evening sky was more exhilarating than Wade expected. No wonder Peter got addicted to it. Wind rushes past so loud Wade wonders how Peter's sensory issues take it. It is also strangely dizzying. When they arrive at the scene Wade has to clutch his knees to balance himself. Watching Peter rush into the fight is more exhilarating now he knows who is behind the spandex. 

“Herman, my man! I would say you returning to crime is shocking but I am not feeling it right now.”

“You will be feeling shocked soon enough!” Hermen shouts, shooting an energy pulse at Spider-Man who rolls his torso out of the way, not even moving his planted feet. 

“Rude.”

Spider-Man leaps up and launches into the fight with his usual grace and speed. Wade finds himself watching for a few moments until Spider-Man gets hit for the first time. 

“Ouch okay okay I am feeling the shock now. Come on man. Why do you gotta keep doing this? Has this ever actually worked for you? Is this a rage issue? Have you tried yoga?”

Wade finally barrels into the fight, slashing at Herman with Bea and Arthur with careful movements trying to slice at the suit powering the gloves without cutting the man underneath. Sometimes he missed the simplicity of just chopping assholes up. 

“Have you tried sex? It helps me calm down?” Wade yells jabbing at Shocker who only just manages to miss his swings. Fighting Spider-Man would up your reflexes eventually Wade guesses. Shocker just yells an unhinged noise at him and blasts widely in Wade's direction. 

“Man he clearly hasn’t been laid in a while.”

“I am sooo not volunteering. Electricity is not one of my kinks,”

“Okay crossing that off the list. But are gloves still in? Because I have a whole scene planned.”

Spider-Man halts mid crawl on one of Shockers shoulders. 

“A whole scene? These fantasies are getting more and more complex. What am I getting myself into DP?”

“What do you want to get into?”

Shocker interrupts them by grabbing at Spider-Man and throwing him at Wade. Spider-Man twists himself in the air and catches himself before he collides with Wade jumping up and giving Wade a look over his shoulder. 

“Are you flirting with each other right now?” Shocker shouts. Spider-Man shrugs.

“It is less flirting, more planning. Think of it as multitasking. You interrupt my night. I gotta at least use the time to plan the rest of it, you know.”

Shocker yells again and fires widely; it is so chaotic Wade can’t dodge them all and finds himself blasted with a zing of electricity. The leather of his suit insulates the blast a fair amount but his muscles still tense and spasm and he still finds himself on his knees. 

“Owee,” Wade grumbles, grabbing at his aching abdominal muscles. 

“Alright that is enough fun for you Shocker.”

Wades watches as Spider-Man rushes Shocker. If Wade was a betting man he would guess behind those wide lenses Peter's eyes were actually closed. He moves forward to Shocker dodging every hit with centimeters to spare there isn’t calculated thought behind it but just instinct. In seconds Spider-Man is chest to chest with Shocker and his fist is gripping the centerpiece of the suit powering it. Shocker tries to stop him, electrified hands grabbing at Spider-Man’s wrists but all he does is tense in pain and yank the power source out. The gloves power down and Spider-Man uses the bulky metal hunk to thwack Shocker on the head knocking him out. He drops the powersource in the same swing and shakes his arms out, wiggles his fingers and elegantly collapses back onto the road behind him. It is a controlled fall but Wade still finches forward on instinct. 

“Mother hubber that hurt.”

“Yeah, not fun. I can’t tell if the fried jerky smell is my skin or the leather of my suit.” Wade shuffles forward and lays himself down so his head is next to Spider-Mans. “Want me to call a cab?”

Spider-Man groans.

“Yeah. so not carrying you like this. I know I was just gloating about super strength and all but you are a heavy man.”

“It is all muscle.”

Spider-Man chuckles and rolls his face to the side to their masks, eyes are inches apart. 

“We need to get up because the cops are so close to us. And me and the boys in blue have a tentative relationship.”

Wade grunts and he hauls himself up offering a hand to Spider-Man who takes it using it more than Wade expected. He hauls him up with one hand whilst he texts Dopender with the other. 

“Cab is on the way. Let's roll out before the Po-Po rolls in.”

Dopender the ever reliable buddy gets them near enough to Peter’s apartment in 15 minutes and with heaving breaths they both tumble through the window and lay on the floor laughing for no particular reason. 

Wade takes his mask and boots off as he watches Peter's lean chest rise and fall in the suit. He wants to rest his head there and feel those glorious breaths beneath his head. Seeing Peter fight like that move like he does in the suit makes Peter look so alive. He wants to watch Peter move and flip about all day. Peters breaths halt and he moves his masked face to stare back at Wade. The unspoken ‘what are you staring at?’ hanging between them.

“You are glorious.”

Peter sits up and pulls his mask off staring back at Wade. They say nothing for a moment. Silence is smothered by shaking adrenaline filled breaths that still wrack Peter's body. Wade's breaths fall in between and Peters calms his body long, immune to the perils of an adrenaline high, all of it only rushing in his mind. Without a word Peter flings himself into Wade's space and consumes his lips. Wade's gloved hands grip at Peter's hair and he tugs at it a little and receives a sharp lip bite in return. Peter's teeth feel a little sharper than they should be. He wonders if that is something from the mutation. He explores Peter's teeth with his tongue, letting his tongue glide across pointed canines Peter didn’t used to have. 

The kiss heats and Peter presses his chest to Wade as if he is trying to climb into Wade's ribcage. Wade rips his gloves off and relishes the feeling of Peter's body though the thin spandex. He can feel Peter's breaths, feel his ribs though the suit as they expand under his hands. He slides his hands down Peter's body and pulls Peter's thighs to his hips, grips Peter's ass as he grinds their fronts together. 

“Peter we should probably reacquaint ourselves with each other more before we…”

“Yeah it would be the healthy thing to do probably”

Peter nods in the same movement grinding down onto Wade. 

“Probably…”

Peter is pulling at the zip of Wade's suit. 

“I want to feel you, Wade.”

Peter

Wade sucks at the skin on Peter's inner thighs and Peter lets him. Wants every possible mark Wade can leave to have evidence he is here. Wants to be sore in the morning so with each ache in his body he can be reminded that Wade is here. That Wade is back with him. That this is real. He presses his fingers into Wade's skin harder than he should. Almost growls in frustration when he realizes he can’t leave bruises on Wade's skin. Can’t return the marks. So he begs Wade to leave more. Begs Wade to leave him weak and aching. And Wade complies. Consumes him like he doesn't expect to be alive the next day. Like Wade thinks this might be a dream in the morning. Maybe he does. It feels like one.

--

Peter answers his front door, still mostly asleep. He knows he looks like hell in every direction, Wade's hello kitty shirt barely hanging onto him but he doesn’t have the energy to care about some delivery guy or neighbour knocking on his door at 9am on a saturday. If Wade wasn’t awake preparing to take Peter out for brunch Peter would still be in bed. 

It is not some delivery guy. It is MJ. Who Peter still thought was in London on a story.

“MJ? What…”

She chuckles at him, smiling widely, raising a hand holding a tray of coffee at him. 

“Jesus Peety, it isn't that early. When are you going to grow out of the whole sleep until 11am thing?”

“Never. What are you doing here?” He asks as she walks past him uninvited, striding to his couch to settle in.

“I got in early and wanted to surprise you. Check in to see if you are still a disaster. You are.”

Peter sighs, following her to the couch. The apartment hisses with the sound of the shower turning off and MJ startles. 

“Oh my god do you have… is someone else here?”

Peter bristles. How does one explain his once dead ex boyfriend is here and not… dead.

“Yeah well he…”

MJ suddenly gets a huge grin on her face, splitting her face in half maniacally as her eyes light up. 

“Peter are those hickeys on your thighs?”

Peter flushes sitting down in a hurry smooshing his legs together to hide the pink marks. 

“Maybe. Just shut up, don't look at me like that.”

MJ continues to look at him like he is the best story she hasn’t written yet. 

“This is so great Peter. Look at you moving on. Getting some. Woho.” She says handing him his coffee. He takes a quick sip to steel himself. 

“Well about that…” Peter is interrupted by Wade coming into the living room dressed thank god. Well partly, pink sweatpants covering his legs he makes eye contact with MJ surprised and gasps. His hands snap up and he covers his nipples and glares at Peter. 

“Sorry. She surprised me. Wade this is Mary Jane Watson. MJ, this is Wade.”

She looks at Wade, thank god she doesn’t seem affected by his appearance she is affected by what Peter said and mouths ‘Wade’ at him eyes furious. She grabs at Peter attempting to haul him up. He can already hear her belittling him for how fucked up it is to date someone else named Wade. He pulls himself from her grasp and waves his hands at her in a placating gesture. 

“No MJ, this is Wade Wilson.”

“The one and only,” Wade says, lowering his hands and moving a few steps closer to the couch.

“You mean that he is…”

“Yup.”

“You mean you are… Wade, Peter’s Wade?”

“Well I would sure like to be.”

MJ suddenly begins to cry and rushes up to Wade. Peter can see him tense as to not lash out at her sudden movement. She engulfs Wade in a tight hug.

“Oh my goddess. I don’t even care what crazy Pulitzer prize winning story you must have. I am just so glad you are here. I thought Peter might be waiting for you forever.”

Wade pats MJ on the back uncomfortably looking over to Peter who just shrugs. She turns around and smacks Peter harshly on the arm. 

“When the fuck was I going to be told about the boyfriend back from the dead!”

Peter shuffles away from her flailing hands.

“Chillax it has been like three days MJ and you were supposed to be out on a story!”

She paused looking at Wade and back at Peter then smirking gazing down to his thighs. Peter snaps his legs closer together.

“Three days huh? Had a lot of catching up to do I suppose.”

Peter leans forward and groans into his knees ignoring Wade and MJ laughing at him. Because of course they are already bonding over a love for teasing Peter. Because that is the kind of person he attracts. He feels MJ sit on the couch next to him and hears Wade leave the room.

He looks up from his knees to meet her discerning gaze. 

“This will be good, right? You are not rushing back into things? I don’t have to worry about a catastrophic crash in the near future?”

Peter rolls his head to the side, body folded in half so his head is in his own lap. Probably not comfortable if at all possible for most people but he had gotten lazy with hiding flexibility from MJ a while ago. He is 85% sure she knows he is Spider-Man but understands him well enough to pretend she doesn’t.

“We are absolutely rushing back into things. Because we are fully unhealthy codependent. But awareness is half the battle. I don’t think there will be a crash. I have him back MJ. I am… whole again. Nothing is going to take that from me. And I know him well enough to know he feels the same.”

MJ smiles at him and pats his back gently. Wade emerges from around the corner with a shirt on, clearly pretending he wasn't waiting for them to stop talking. 

“I made muffins yesterday, Mrs Watson. Would you like one?” Wade says walking around the back of the couch as she nods. He leans down when he is behind Peter and quietly speaks to him.

“You might want to put some pants on Peter or at least some boxers. I think MJ has seen enough.”

Peter flushes and nods. He doesn’t care as much as he should maybe. Remembers MJ has seen him in worse ways. Seen him naked in his own bathtub covered in his own vomit after he drank enough to kill six elephants trying to get drunk and numb three nights after getting the letter from Vanessa. Shielding MJ’s topless torso from the cab driver's eyes when she impulsively stripped when drunk after getting her third no email from news agencies she wanted to work with. 

He puts underwear and pants on and finds MJ happily munching on an orange and poppyseed muffin talking with Wade in that comfortable way she appears to be able to do instantly. She turns and smiles at Peter. 

“Wade was just telling me that you used to use him as your model for photography when you were a kid.”

Peter smiles and plants himself on the arm of the couch.

“Yeah. Any excuse to get him to pose for me.”

“And here I thought I was special being your muse for your photography around the city.”

She brushes hair from her face. 

“I keep telling you that you could have been a model in another universe. You photograph well. But Wade was the one to get me into photography in the first place. Told me if I was worried about things disappearing then I should try and capture the moment. I bet May still has all those old pictures.”

MJ smiles and nods as he begins to ponder what box in the attic might have those photos. He had given May most of his things from Wade about two months after Vanessa's letter. He didn't want to throw it away but he couldn’t look at it anymore. Probably shouldn’t have been for the years before. Thinks about how it was probably hard for Gwen when he had pictures of him and Wade from their trip to Canada pinned above his desk the whole time. 

“Well Mrs Watson, Peety and I had brunch plans but if you want to take him so you can have your catch up I won’t keep him from you.”

Peter gulps looking at Wade. They still hadn't separated since they found out. Peter doesn't want to be dramatic but he feels like as soon as Wade is out of sight or out of Peter's range of enhanced hearing that he might freak out. Delude himself into thinking it was all some hallucination. MJ talking to Wade actually made it feel so real. More real than even last night felt. 

“No you have more catching up than I do. I can send him a text and pick another time. Although I will point out that if you haven't told me I assume you haven't told May? You might want to.”

Peter breaths in a harsh breath. Part of him wants to rush to May and show her he is finally happy. That something finally went right. Part of him wants to keep Wade to himself and never let anyone else have him again. A huge part of him feels guilt. May and him have bonded over the years over their loss. At first Peter pretended he didn’t need to. Felt childish or rude comparing his loss of Wade to her loss of Ben. But she never treated it differently. Even before Peter thought Wade was dead. May would say something about Ben and she would give him this look like she knew he knew how she felt. Not just because he loved Ben too. Not just because Ben’s death changed them both. But because she believed they had both lost their soul mates. 

Thinking about going back to her and showing her that he got a second chance she never would. He could throw up. It was the first time since Wade was back that he thought it wasn't going to be easier. He nodded back to MJ who was politely excusing herself from the house. He didn't even say goodbye. Just watched her leave picking harshly at the dry skin around his nail beds. 

--

Wade

Wade hadn't expected to meet someone from Peter's life so soon. He placed a smile on his face and joked with her but part of him hated it. Hated the reality of Peter having a whole life without him. Of having someone that knew things about Peter Wade did not. Someone Peter was close with who was there for him when Wade wasn’t. It was physical proof of their time apart beyond the depth in Peter's eyes. Beyond the slight broadening of Peter's shoulders, the slight height changes the small crows feet next to Peter's eyes. When MJ cried and hugged him he knew it wasn’t tears of joy, or surprise. Her face read nothing but relief. 

She looked at him like he was the cure to something that had been killing Peter for years. Because he was. 

Wade watched her leave, setting the guilt deeper in himself thinking of all the ways he can make it up to Peter. To Peter's friends. Then he looked at Peter. His eyes were far off, hands ripping at the skin of his nail beds. Wade realized he wasn’t the only one who felt guilty here. He thinks about MJ’s teary eyes. If she had seen Peter bad enough to look at Wade like that then what had May seen? She would have every right to hate Wade. He knows she won’t. May couldn’t hate anyone. She was too gentle for that. She was the reason Peter had that gentleness to him. Wade wondered briefly if he was the reason Peter had the harshness. 

He approached Peter squeezing his hands. He may have missed too much of Peter's life but he still knew the man in front of him. Knew Peter was spiraling into guilt about May. Was probably thinking about how May might feel seeing Peter back with Wade when she can’t get Ben back. Peter was never good at enjoying his own successes without thinking about how others might lose because of it. 

“She will be happy for you Peter. You know that. You don’t have to feel guilty.”

Peter suddenly snapped from his distant gaze all at once, his face crumpling into tears. 

“She saw so much pain. We held each other and cried about losing the people we loved. She worked so hard to help me. Watch me slowly destroy myself. She tried so hard to help. And I never let her be enough. Never let anyone be enough. How can I go to her now and show her that all her work was for nothing. That all that pain she felt on my behalf meant nothing. That I get to be happy again and she doesn’t?”

Wade kissed Peter's knuckles, swallowing the tears that missed his eyes thinking about how much hurt he had done. 

“Her work was not for nothing. It meant you were still here for me when I came back. She will be glad she helped you get here. And I know she will think Ben would be happy for you too. She isn't the kind to have that kind of jealousy. She will be happy again. Because she loves you and wants you to be happy. I am just…”

Peter shakes his head.

“Don’t say you are sorry again. We have had enough sorries. Enough guilt about this. I just want to be happy you are here again. I don’t want to think about what if anymore.” 

Wade nodded and kissed the crown of Peter's head. He knows it won't be that easy. That they can’t just move on from it all like that. But he understands Peter's intention. The desire to bathe in the joy of each other rather than the bitterness of lost time. 

“So do you want to call May and have brunch with her? I bet her wheat cakes are still the bomb.”

Peter nodded.

--

Wade wonders if May had changed when they were three doors down the small New York place he remembers sneaking into years ago. He is in part glad May never had to sell the place, part scared of the memories it will bring up to be back there. He debates with himself about how May will react. If she will forgive him for what he did to Peter. He doesn't forgive himself. And he knows she loves Peter as much as he does. So she shouldn't either. Peter bites his hand and Wade gaps out of his spiral squinting amusedly at Peter. 

“That hurt you know.”

Peter smiles and kisses the hand he just bit.

“You were spiraling. Thought I might try the old trick.”

“Last time you did that you didn't have spider enhanced pointed canines.”

Peter rolls his eyes. 

“They are barely enhanced, you have pointed canines too you little vampire. Did you see the fang marks on my thighs, you absolute heathen.”

Wade lets his tongue run along his teeth licking at his slightly pointy ones. Peter used to say it gave a new meaning to having a wolfish grin. Peter's teeth used to be flat if slightly uneven, the left side slightly more worn down than the right. But since the bite Peter’s canines were a little longer pointed in a way that was slightly unnatural if you were paying attention. Wade kissed him and let his tongue run along Peter's canines like he had his own. Definitely sharper than his. 

Peter smiled into the kiss and squeezed Wade's hand. 

“She won’t be mad at you.”

Wade hummed, swinging their arms back and forth in an exaggerated way. He remembers walking with Peter hand in hand every day after school. Even when Wade was in highschool and Peter not yet. Wade would wait out in front of Peter's school just so he could walk him back. He can remember how it felt to grip Peter's hand each day and feel as their hands grew along each other. Remembers when Peter's hand felt small and soft in his. Remember when he noticed Peter's fingers hand got long and a little uncomfortable to interlock with his own thicker ones. When they went from interlaced hand holding to the gentle cupping they were doing now.

Wade’s hands were still larger than his fingers till a little stubbier. Peter’s were still boney, his finger still elegant and long. But Wade's skin was rough and tender. Peter's hand felt like a balm. The unnaturally cool skin soothing against the heat radiating from Wade. Peter had always been cold. Something about asthmatics having trouble with circulation. Wade used to shove Peter's pink hands into the pocket of his letterman jacket in the winter. Now Peter's hands were even colder. His spidery DNA leaves his cool to the touch despite having an enhanced metabolism. Wade wonders if Peter had issues thermoregulating like an insect. He would have to add that to the list of things to worry about. 

Sharp pain pulled him out of his head again. Peter kissed the hand he bit as he looked at Wade. 

“You went away again.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It happened. But we are here.”

Wade looks at the door to the home Peter grew up in. That he in part grew up in. He feels so separated from who he was then he doesn’t feel like he is going home. Like it is someone else's story. A third party memory. 

“She is going to kill me.”

“Nah.”

“She will punch me. She should punch me. Someone should punch me.”

“I already did that,” Peter says, walking up the steps to the door as far as he could whilst still holding Wade’s hand. 

Would May even recognise him? Does he? He can see Peter's mouth open about to say something adorably encouraging no doubt when the door swings open and May’s beaming face comes out from behind the door frame. 

“Peter, come inside, you will catch your death.”

“May hi I…”

She catches sight of Peter's arm extended out backwards. And her eyes travel along it until she reaches Wade. Their eyes meet and he can see four kinds of shock cross her face. Can see the horror in her eyes for a few moments. He should be used to it by now but he isn’t. It still hurts to see people look at him with such instant fear. As if somehow his hurt is contagious. But it is there for only a moment before something softer settles in her gaze. She fumbles down the steps past Peter and reaches out to Wade. She cups his face between her palms and smiles a tear sliding down her face. 

“Oh Wade. You returned.”

The damn breaks. Wade begins to sob. He uses his hand to press Mays into his rough cheek and cries in earnest. So much of him felt removed by what they did in weapon x. He felt like they destroyed Wade there. Like Wade had died and Deadpool remained. Peter holding him, loving him made him feel like Wade again but this. May looking at him and with no other context, no clues without Wade even opening his mouth she knew he was Wade. She could still see even though it was all the ugly. It was real proof that Wade survived. 

May presses Wade's face into her shoulder as he hunches far down into it, contracting his bulky tall frame down to her height. She had shrunken a little since he was last in her arms. He had outgrown her young but now he was a tall bulky man and she was a small aging woman who should feel fragile next to him. But she felt strong. She held him with such conviction he felt guilty ever doubting this woman was his mom. Because that was what this was. He was reuniting with the only woman that had a real hand in raising him. Her gentle hand running down his back was the most comforting feeling he had outside of Peter. 

--

Peter

When they are all inside May’s house seated around the table faces pink and blotchy from the cry fest they all just had Peter doesn’t even think when he sets the table. He places four settings on the auto pilot until Wade gazes at him curiously. 

“What are you…”

“Oh Wade honey we always set four places. Always have. Never stopped. Got into the habit when you two were young. We never knew when you would decide to show up and eat dinner with us so Peter started to set an extra place for you just in case. I guess we just never stopped.”

Peter gazes at the four palace settings. Thinking about the napkins he carefully folded every Hanukkah for each place. The way May still pours a glass of brandy for Ben on every holiday. How he cried when she poured one for Wade the first thanksgiving after Vanessa's letter. When the place setting went from hopeful to mourning. Wade starts to cry again. 

“I am so sorry. I am so…”

May shushes him and reaches over the table to grab his arm. 

“Shut up dear. You are here now. That is all that matters to me. I can tell by looking at you that you haven't exactly been having a wonderful time without Peter. Sorry. I am just glad I get to be your aunt May again. I want to watch you two grow old together. For as long as I can. I want to be able to tell Ben about what wonderful men you have become. How wonderful you will continue to get. Just don’t deny me that. Yeah?”

Wade nodded and sniffled. Wiping at his nose. 

“So wheat cakes?” Peter asks, letting everyone chuckle at him though snotty noses. For the first time in years someone out eats Peter in Mays wheat cakes. Ben's empty place somehow feels less looming with the table that little bit fuller. May looks less forlorn and less scared. Peter realizes it is the same look he saw in MJ. Like a little bit of weight has been taken off her shoulders. He realizes it is the weight of responsibility for him he had been putting on them. Realies both those women know he will be safer now. Even if only from himself. 

When they leave the house Peter catches his reflection in the glass of the door as he had done many times before. But this time he isn't watching as someone leaves. This time he isn’t being left behind. Wade stands behind him smiling at May as they leave his eyes to catch Peter’s in the glass. He can see it there. In his eyes. That gap. It is closing.