Chapter Text
Its not that the 118 never crossed paths with the 217 before Buck dated Tommy, it was just that Buck wasn’t as aware of them before. Now every time they pull up to a scene and they’re there Buck feels like his heart is trying to burst out of his chest. Before the break up it was the excitement of possibly seeing Tommy if he was on ground duty, the thought that they might be able to sneak off between two engines once they had done their job and steal a few kisses before they had to part again. Now its nerves, his chest tightening with panic that he might see Tommy again because he doesn’t know what he’ll do, doesn’t know what Tommy will do either and Buck doesn’t think he’s ready to find out.
Ideally Buck wants Tommy to look as miserable as he feels, wants him to look up at Buck and stare and then shuffle over and ask to talk, wants him to lead Buck between those engines and kiss him again. But Buck knows that’s probably only a fantasy. Along with the thought of Tommy sweeping him off his feet and rescuing him from a burning building in his sooty turnouts. They never did get around to that role play even though Buck had made it known that seeing Tommy in his turnouts at Maddie and Chim’s wedding had done things for him that he didn’t previously know he was into.
Buck’s worst nightmare is Tommy looking fine, Tommy looking unaffected and happy, smiling and laughing and his eyes just pass over Buck. They don’t stop, Tommy just lets his attention drift past Buck and onto the next thing, he gets back into his truck and Buck doesn’t cross his mind again. That would devastate Buck in a way he doesn’t want to think about. He wants to have meant something to Tommy even if he doesn’t mean anything now.
So whenever they see the 217 engine, which has only been twice since the break up, Buck is nervous. Tommy hasn’t been on the ground at either scene though so Buck has pushed through another day without his ex and he’s never felt any better after one of those jobs but he’s never felt any worse either. He goes home and bakes but that’s his business and nobody else’s.
His luck runs out today though, third time is not the charm because as they get out of the truck he catches sight of a pair of turnouts with Kinard written across the back of them. Tommy is running into the building on the heels of another firefighter and Buck feels his stomach flip. He ignores it though as the team gather around the IC and he and Eddie are sent to the other side of the apartment building.
Most people are out of the building it seems, he and Eddie check every apartment and room quickly and efficiently and they only find one person left. She’d not been able to open her bathroom door but its quickly taken care of and Eddie runs her out of the building. Buck is left to check the last two apartments on his own and finds nobody but whilst he’s in there the stairs he was going to use get blocked so he’s hustling down the corridor to another set when he stumbles into Tommy. Not literally, he pulls up short to stop himself colliding with the other man but almost reels backwards. Tommy automatically reaches out to grab him and steady him.
Buck feels his heart jump when Tommy’s hands land on his waist and shoulder. He can hear himself gasp and Tommy looks up at him.
“You okay?” Tommy shouts over the noise of the building creaking and crumbling.
“Yeah, thanks. Lets get out of here.” Tommy waits for Buck to take the first steps down the stairs and then follows.
They’re down and almost out when there’s a ominous rumble around them.
“Hurry!” Tommy yells but its too late.
Debris rains down on them and the shudder of the building has them both tripping. The floor opens up a few feet away and Tommy is stood precariously close to the hole. There’s shouts and Buck isn't sure if its him or Tommy yelling but he loses his oxygen tank and Tommy’s fell down into the basement below them. Tommy scrambles away and Buck turns to look for a way out then feels Tommy grab him and move him. A beam hits the ground just inches away from them, he was so focused on Tommy, Buck hadn’t realised he was stood under a shaky support.
Buck isn’t sure how it happens there’s so much going on but once everything stops they find themselves in an air pocket. Tommy’s body over his and a protective hand curled around Buck’s head protecting his skull and Buck realises he lost his helmet in the chaos.
“Shit.” He coughs, accidentally inhaling dirt and dust.
Its too warm, a sure sign that the fire is still blazing on the other side of the building.
“You okay?” Tommy echoes his earlier words and Buck nods, feeling around for his radio, which thankfully still works. They’re told to sit tight, as if they have any other choice, and that they’re coming for them.
Once they’ve decided that they’re not in danger of an imminent collapse they sit side by side in the rubble. In all of Buck’s daydreaming and fantasies this scenario had never been one of them. Now they’re sat in silence as they wait. Buck hates it.
“Are you okay?” He asks a minute later and he turns to let his gaze run over Tommy. There’s bags under his eyes and he looks tired but his coat is still done up and there’s no visible tears so it looks like he’s uninjured.
“Yeah.” Tommy’s voice is hoarse. “I’m fine.” He looks away from Buck as he says it though, one hand squeezing into a fist against his knee.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fine, Evan.” Buck physically recoils at the sound of his name.
“Oh, its Evan again, is it?” He hates that its anger that’s surging through him now. He’s hardly been angry at Tommy these past few months, disappointed, sad, lonely but he’s only been angry once or twice but now its bubbling up in earnest.
“Don’t.” Tommy says quietly and it just makes Buck angrier, he jumps to his feet and stares down at his ex.
“I don’t think you can really tell me what to do, Tommy. You’ve already tried that and it was shitty advice. Explore my options, yeah right.” Buck mutters the last part to himself, wanting to pace but he can’t and he coughs as he inhales.
"I wasn’t telling you what to do-“
“But you still broke up with me after deciding you knew how I was going to feel? You didn’t decide to ask me, me the only person who knows what I’m thinking and feeling. God, Tommy.”
“You don’t get it!” Tommy flares up now, standing up so they’re stood as far apart as they can be, which leaves all of three feet between them. “I’m not some gay hero, Evan. I’m not some brave guy who paved the way for everyone. You were talking like I was some revolutionary. I’m just me. And its never enough and I couldn’t stand the thought of not being enough for you so excuse me for doing us a favour and stopping us both before things got worse.”
“That’s not what I meant! If you’d just paused and explained then we could’ve talked about it. I love just Tommy, I think you’re great as you are and I always have. You think I don’t see you but I do. I do! And you know what, you’re gonna have to say a lot worse to scare me off.”
“You love me? Present tense?” The fight has drained out of Tommy’s body and he stares at Buck from three feet away.
Buck lets out an almighty sigh. Coughing again when dust and smoke cling to the back of his throat.
“Yeah. Present tense. I’m not even close to moving on from you, Tommy. I still love you.”
“Evan.” It comes out as a sigh but its not exasperation like Buck is so used to hearing. Its almost reverent and Tommy is still staring.
They stand three feet apart and silent for what seems like forever just looking at each other. Buck’s hands ball into fists as he tries not to fidget. Tommy has this look in his eye that Buck can’t read and he’s not nervous but he’s unsure as he stares at his ex.
He’s not sure who moves first or if someone even did move first, it feels like they’re pulled by a string towards each other, yanked together at the same time and they crash in the middle. Tommy’s hands land on Buck’s waist and cheek, gently cradling him which is in direct opposition to the hard press of his lips against Buck’s. Buck grabs Tommy’s hips to hold him close and forces his tongue into Tommy’s mouth.
It ends as abruptly as it started when the radio crackles to life between them with an update from the team, they’re close but the building could still be unstable so they need to move quickly, Buck and Tommy need to be ready.
The two of them are panting, trying to catch their breath and Buck’s eyes sting from the smoke now thickening in their little air pocket. Tommy takes a step back and swallows before he coughs loudly.
“Tommy, I-“ Before Buck can say anything else there’s movement to his left and then they’re getting out, sucking in clean air once they’re free from the building and they’re pulled towards different ambulances by their own teams. They do end up together again though, shoved into the same ambulance to go and get treated for smoke inhalation at the hospital. Eddie is watching over them and making sure they don’t make things worse so they don't talk but they do keep sharing looks, glancing away every time the other looks over at them.
“Jesus.” Eddie mutters under his breath but he doesn't say anything else.
They end up separated again but before they’re pulled in different directions Tommy turns to him, his voice turned raspy from the smoke.
“Meet here before you go back?” Its almost pleading but Buck feels the same desperation to finally talk things out with Tommy so he nods and the hint of a smile tugs at the corner of Tommy’s mouth before he’s lead off by a nurse in blue scrubs.
Buck has just been taken off oxygen when the doctor he saw earlier comes back through the door with a clipboard in hand. They’d run a series of tests earlier just to make sure everything had been okay besides the obvious smoke inhalation and it had been so standard Buck had barely bat an eye.
She smiles down at him where he’s sat on the edge of a bed, eager to get up and see Tommy before heading back to the station. She flips a page, frowns for a moment then smiles at him again.
“Alright. You should be good to go in a moment Mr Buckley. Your test results are looking clear but before you go I just want to send you for a scan to make sure the baby is okay. Everything should be fine but its always good to check.”
Buck blinks at her as his vision swirls for a second.
“I’m sorry.” His voice sounds faint to his own ears. “The what is okay?”
“The baby.” The doctor says slowly, the smile fading from her face. “You’re pregnant, Mr Buckley. Nobody said anything about confusion, do we need to-“
“You must have the wrong person.” Buck interrupts, his legs feel like jelly when he stands up. “I’m not, I’m not pregnant. I can’t- I’m not-. No.” He shakes his head then sits back down hands gripping his knees as he looks up at the doctor.
She gives him a wide eyed look before she reads her papers again.
“You are Mr Evan Buckley? Firefighter here for smoke inhalation treatment?” She reads off some more of his medical history and he reluctantly nods and confirms that its him. “Well according to your blood tests you’re pregnant. And there’s an increased level of-“
“But I can’t. I’m not a, a carrier. Nobody has ever tested me for it or said anything. I can’t be pregnant.” Because if he is then its Tommy’s and that just complicates things further.
“I’m sorry that you were never tested for the carrier gene, Mr Buckley. It should be standard testing at schools when you’re younger, right around puberty.” Looks like there’s another thing to add to the list of reasons his parents sucked, never getting him tested. “You are pregnant though, can’t tell how many weeks from just a blood test but sometimes hormone levels give a better indication. But that’s why I want to send you down for a scan for a better idea.” Her voice has gotten too gentle, too kind and Buck wants to pull his hair out.
“It’ll be at least 14 weeks.” Buck says quietly, staring at his hands. That’s how long he and Tommy have been split up and he’s not slept with anybody since, not had any desire to.
“An ultrasound will show us what we need to know then, are you okay for us to do one?”
“Yeah.” Buck stands up. His legs still feel like jelly but he needs to know, needs visual confirmation that he’s somehow managed to get himself knocked up with Tommy Kinard’s baby.
He’s lead up a floor and along several corridors before he’s being herded into another room. There’s a chair he collapses into and then he’s briefly left alone. Before he can spiral though another nurse is pushing the door open. He’s tall and broad and reminds Buck far too much of Tommy so he keeps his eyes fixed on the ceiling as he reclines back and lifts his shirt up. He has to shimmy his pants down a little as well and his cheeks heat up with a light flush. The gel on his stomach is cold and Buck cringes, the nurse quietly apologising but getting to work quickly. He can clearly tell that Buck isn’t in the mood to make conversation.
“Alright there we are.” The nurse murmurs to himself, leaning closer to the screen.
Oh god, there’s something there then.
A baby.
The wand is moved around Buck’s stomach slowly and carefully as the nurse taps away to make a few notes but he doesn’t look concerned just focused.
“Everything looks good so far! Do you wanna take a look?” The nurse looks over the computer screen and Buck gulps.
Does he want to look?
“Erm.” He looks down at his stomach that’s covered in goo and takes a deep breath. “Yeah, show me.”
The monitor is turned towards him and Buck stares. There on the screen is a little bean looking thing. He’s seen ultrasounds before, both were Maddie’s, so he knows what he’s looking at but he also can’t comprehend that he has a fetus growing inside of him right now. That he and Tommy made that.
“Oh.” He says stupidly as he looks at the screen.
“You can hear the heartbeat if you want?” The nurse offers kindly and Buck bites his lip.
He knows himself and he knows that if he hears that there’s no going back, he’s having a baby. If he doesn’t hear it he can pretend that he’s going to think it over seriously before deciding to keep the baby anyway but if he hears a heartbeat right now its over.
“Yes, I want to hear it.” Falls out of his mouth before he can stop himself.
The whooshing noise fills the room and Buck has to tip his head back against the chair to stop himself from crying. He’s having a baby. He’s going to have to be much more careful at work.
He needs to tell Tommy.
He leaves the room with a few copies of his ultrasound clutched in his hand. Copies he shoves into his pocket when he remembers Eddie will be waiting for him to head back to the station. He wanders back towards the room he was originally in and pulls his phone out to check the time, he’s pretty sure he’ll only have an hour or two left of his shift anyway. He’s greeted by a message from Tommy, the first message he’s sent him in months and its just sitting there lighting up his lock screen.
Tommy: Hey, had to head back to the station before you were done. I think we need to talk. Let me know when you’re free.
Yeah, they definitely need to talk.
Buck: Yeah I think we do. I’m finishing soon, off for 24. Then got a 48. What about you?
Tommy: Still got 36 left here, then off for 24 too. Maybe Friday? I could come to you.
Buck: You’re still working?
Tommy: Yeah, they’re down a pilot right now. Need me here. I’ll be okay, got the all clear from the hospital. Are you okay?
Buck: Fine. Friday then?
Tommy: Yes. Think its better in person.
Which sounds ominous to Buck but he tries to be positive as he shuffles out to meet Eddie, ignoring how his heart is beating double time from the news he’d just received and the short conversation with Tommy.
He spends the rest of the shift in a slight daze and drives home on autopilot. He doesn’t mention anything to anyone. Not even Bobby or Maddie. He just heads home, cooks dinner for himself and gets ready for bed all whilst the ultrasound pictures are burning a hole in his pocket. He eventually takes them out, tucked under the covers he stares at the picture. That’s his baby. His and Tommy’s baby. Its a lot to think about, how he’s been a carrier this whole time and not known and now he’s pregnant with his ex’s child. He runs a finger along the length of the baby’s body gently.
He spends his day off cycling through anxiety and fear and hope over the whole thing. Even spends a stupidly long amount of time twisting and turning in front of his bathroom mirror to see if he can spy a baby bump after his shower. Then spends another stretch of time feeling awful that he didn’t know, that he couldn’t somehow tell that he was carrying a child even though that had never been an option before.
It was actually kind of crazy that Tommy hadn’t managed to knock him up sooner, they’d certainly had sex often enough and Buck had almost become addicted to how good it felt to have Tommy in him. Under the cover of night Buck sometimes thinks Bobby hadn’t been wrong when he’d compared Tommy to an addiction. Buck had never been able to get enough, always wanting more, more, more until it, he, had been too much.
He trudges into work the next day looking and feeling rough. The ultrasound is still in his pocket, he’ll have to tell Bobby today and he figured that Cap might want a picture to keep and if he doesn’t then he’s driving to Maddie’s after to tell her anyway. Everyone is surprisingly gentle with him and Buck thinks they somehow know until Eddie asks if it was awkward having to wait with Tommy whilst they were trapped inside because he’d been weird yesterday.
“Oh, erm, sort of, I guess.” He answers before he drifts off towards the couch. He doesn’t see the team all exchanging worried glances behind his back as he pulls his phone out to look at something then quickly shove it away again.
He and Tommy haven’t spoken since that short text exchange. Buck hasn’t known what to say even though he yearns to speak to Tommy, wants to know if he really is okay. Just wants to hear his voice before he potentially never sees him again. Who knows how he’ll react to the fact that apparently Buck can get pregnant and that he’s having Tommy’s baby.
Buck still hasn’t worked up the courage to talk to Bobby when they’re called out to a hiker just before lunch. Buck’s stomach is rumbling but he ignores it. Its like he’s become ten times more aware of that area of his body and every little change has him starting to sweat and his heartbeat pounding. He rubs his palms against his turnouts and sits quietly in the truck, staring out the window and oblivious to the looks he’s getting from the team.
It looks like the poor guy will have to be air lifted out and Buck can’t stop the small smile that pulls across his face when he hears Tommy’s voice. Lucy is up there with him and another coworker that Buck can’t remember the name of but who is getting ready to assist with the pick up.
“What’s that?” Hen says sharply as she looks up, hand coming up to shield her eyes from the sun.
“What’s what?” Bobby asks and he and Buck both follow her eye line.
There’s something else in the sky but Buck can’t tell what it is, its not the right shape to be a bird. Its moving too jerkily as well. Hen gasps next to him when it heads right towards the chopper. They all see it lurch when the object collides with it. Buck’s hand shoots out to grasp Bobby’s sleeve.
The helicopter lurches again and Buck is vaguely aware that Tommy’s voice is coming through the radio, its not panicked but there’s certainly a note of something. It looks like Tommy is trying to guide the helicopter down even if it won’t be a smooth landing. The chopper is fighting him though and the whole thing sways back and forth. Buck can hear arguing over the radio, Lucy’s voice snapping something at Tommy but Buck’s vision is starting to blacken around the edges and his breathing is getting quicker. His fist tightens around Bobby’s sleeve.
The chopper almost touches down and two people jump from it. Although the way Lucy rolls it looks like she might have been pushed. The helicopter almost bounces then starts to tip but Tommy fights it. It must be too much though because soon it tips again and smoke is really starting to rise from it now.
“Tommy get out of there!” Lucy yells but its too late the helicopter tips over the side of the cliff they’re on.
Buck screams.
He’s never made a sound like it before.
Later Eddie tells him it sounded like pure devastation.
Arms grab him before he can do something stupid like run after the helicopter but he’s fighting, screaming and yelling and then he feels it.
His stomach twinges and he abruptly stops moving. It twinges again and he starts to shout again, panic clawing at him from every direction.
“Help.” He whimpers suddenly, hands coming down to clutch at his stomach, breaths wheezing out him and tears flooding his vision. “The baby. Can’t lose it. Can’t lose them both.”
“Buck?” Bobby follows him down to the ground when Buck’s knees give out.
“Baby? What baby?” Hen is asking but everything sounds far away. Buck watches the black smoke rise from somewhere over the cliff knowing Tommy is down there.
Knowing that Tommy might be gone forever.
Its too much and with a strangled sob Buck passes out.
———
Buck woke up in a hospital bed with his sister and Bobby hovering over him. The doctor had a note ready that stated he needed to be put on desk duty with immediate effect because the stress would be too much otherwise but Buck hardly listened. He clutched Bobby’s hand and Maddie wrapped her arm around his shoulders. They listened so Buck zoned out, focused in on the ultrasound Bobby was holding. After the doctor had left, after he was free to go Bobby had turned to him.
“Tommy is alive.” He’d said and Buck had burst into tears, curled up in his hospital gown and wept. He was gathered up into strong arms as Maddie rocked him against her. “Eddie, Chim and Hen are up there now, we knew you’d want someone with him. He’s not woken up yet though. Broken ribs, right femur and tibia and his left wrist. It could’ve been much worse they say. Said it would’ve been if we hadn’t worked to pull him out immediately.” Buck had held onto Bobby tighter, not able to force words out but Bobby had seemed to understand Buck was trying to thank him.
“Why didn’t you tell us about the baby, Buck?” Maddie asked softly, a hand stroking through the curls on top of Buck’s head.
“Didn’t know.” He gets out, curling into himself even tighter. “Found out the day before, at the hospital, blood tests. Didn’t know I could carry.”
It took awhile for Buck to pull himself out of the bed. He desperately wanted to go and see Tommy but it was like he was moving through syrup, reliving the helicopter falling over and over even though he knew Tommy was fine.
Bobby had slipped one of the ultrasounds back into Buck’s hand before they took him upstairs to see Tommy.
Buck hadn’t been able to go in though, he’d got to the door and he’d just stopped moving and he’d taken such a rattling, shaky breath that Bobby had immediately turned direction and sat him down in a chair in the corridor. Eddie came out and switched places with Bobby and sat with Buck. They didn’t talk but they didn’t need to.
“I keep seeing it.” He’d said eventually and Eddie had reached over and squeezed his shoulder.
“I think you’ll feel better if you see him, talk to him. When you’re ready to go in.”
“Has he woken up yet?”
“No.”
Eventually Buck had stood up and silently walked into Tommy’s room, stopping in the doorway as he looked at his ex. Tommy didn’t look small in the bed, he didn’t look fragile or weak but he did look broken. Covered in plaster, cuts and bruises. As he shuffled closer he saw that there were a line of stitches bisecting Tommy’s forehead diagonally down between his eyes and across his nose. Buck had gently stroked over it with the same finger he’d used when he’d first been handed his ultrasound picture. There were stitches up and down Tommy’s body and Buck noticed a line of them going up from the back of his hand almost up to his elbow. It didn’t stop Buck from taking Tommy’s hand though.
“He lost a lot of blood.” Chimney said from somewhere behind Buck, a chair nudging at the back of Buck’s knees and forcing him to sit. “But we got him here in time. Had to pull some metal out of him but it wasn’t close to any major organs or arteries so it should heal up with no issues.”
“Thank you.” Buck said around a lump in his throat and the others hummed in acknowledgment. “And thank you for making sure I was okay, that the baby was okay.” He finally looked away from Tommy to turn towards Hen who wrapped her arms around him.
“Anytime Buck. I’m glad you’re both okay.” Buck wasn’t sure if she meant him and the baby or him and Tommy so he just nodded.
After a while the others left to get food leaving Bobby and Buck alone with Tommy. Buck had felt Bobby watching him and he’d felt the tears collecting in the corners of his eyes before he even spoke.
“I love him.” He said, eyes lifting from Tommy’s face to Bobby’s. “I love him.”
“I know.” Is all Bobby had said and it sent Buck over the edge, sobs ripping out of him as he held Tommy’s limp hand against his face.
“The baby is his.” It was probably a redundant remark but Bobby had nodded.
“I figured. He’ll be okay, Buck.”
Except the doctor and come back in and he couldn’t say when or if Tommy would wake up. That they’d done everything they could but on top of everything Tommy had hit his head hard enough to knock him out so they weren’t sure if they were out of the woods yet.
Buck stayed the whole night. Refused to leave Tommy’s side and the nurses had taken pity on him and let him stay. He was aware of the bodies rotating around him, that the 118 would move away to let the 217 in. That Lucy stayed for a long time, neither of them speaking to each other and both of them just watching Tommy. Sal showed up briefly but he’d had to rush home but promised Tommy that he’d be back.
It takes Tommy two weeks to wake up.
———
“-but I can’t move in with you.”
“Please, Tommy. Please. Wake up.”
“Please, Tommy. Please. Wake up.” Buck has his forehead pressed against Tommy’s hand, clutching it in both of his as he pleads with Tommy to wake up.
Maddie brought him a change of clothes and his stomach is starting to rumble and he’s so tired. He can’t have coffee though, not anymore but Maddie brought breakfast too. She’s sat with him, staring glumly at Tommy as she chews her bagel.
“You should eat.” She says now, picking up the still wrapped bagel and handing it over. “You’ll feel a little better.”
Buck thinks she might be lying but he does let go of Tommy’s hand with one of his, sits up and takes the bagel and water she also hands him. He picks at the food but does slowly eat it once again extremely aware of what his stomach looks like even though it looks no different to yesterday.
“I can’t believe they never signed me up to get tested, Maddie.”
“I know. I’m sorry, Evan. Really. I should’ve-“
“No, Maddie. Its not on you.” Buck slumps back in his chair, arm still awkwardly held out in front of him so he can stay connected to Tommy. “I probably should’ve checked once I was an adult. Definitely after me and Tommy started sleeping together.”
“Buck its not your fault either. And you didn’t lie to Tommy before you start to spiral about that. You didn’t know, you didn’t intentionally try and get pregnant. He’s not going to be mad at you.
“He already broke up with me. If he wants nothing to do with me then this isn’t going to help.
“You’re keeping it?”
“Yes.” Buck is determined and Maddie just nods, doesn’t question if he’s sure about his choice.
“Hey, at least we’re doing this together. You and me, we’re a team.”
Buck laughs a little, squeezing Tommy’s hand and feeling his heart sink when he doesn’t squeeze back.
“Yeah. We’re a team. I never thought we’d be having babies at the same time but I really shouldn’t question my life anymore. Things just keep happening to me.” Maddie gives him a sad smile. “He wanted to talk. After our shifts. We saw each other on a call.”
“The apartment collapse.” Its not a question, just a statement but Buck nods anyway,
“Yeah. He pulled me out of the way of a collapsing beam. And he texted me after we left the hospital, asked if we could talk.”
“Well that’s good, isn’t it? You want to talk to him too.”
“Yeah but what if he wanted closure or something and instead he wakes up and I drop a bomb on him.”
Buck never considers not telling Tommy, never sees a future where he isn’t sat here waiting when Tommy wakes up. According to the internet week 14 is when you’re likely to ‘pop’ so who’s to say Tommy wouldn’t notice anyway.
Alright Buck knows that’s unlikely especially in the hoodie he’s wearing but in his wildest daydreams, which he’s only been having for two days, Tommy is happy about the baby, wants to reconcile with Buck and they ride off into the sunset together. But Buck knows that in reality there’s far more things at play but he still hopes Tommy won’t hate him.
He just needs Tommy to wake up.
“My own boyfriend won’t even kiss me.”
“Well, that’s not true.”
“Wake up. We need to talk. You said we needed to talk.”
Tommy still hasn’t woken up three days later. Buck has been forced home once to shower and change but then he pretty much came straight back. The nurses have given up trying to keep him away outside of visiting hours and Buck fears he may end up with a permanent crick in his neck from sleeping hunched over but he doesn’t care.
He feels sleepy a lot, partly the monotony of sitting and waiting for Tommy to wake up and partly from the kid he’s growing. He’d felt tireder than usually recently but he’d put it down to still feeling awful after the break up and the come down from the holiday season, not that he’d felt that joyous but still. It makes sense though now, why he’s felt exhausted for the past twelve or so weeks.
When he’s felt brave enough he’s scrolled through lists and lists online of stuff he’ll need to buy for the baby and for himself and he’ll need to figure out a new living situation because the loft seems like a death trap for a child and he’s also not sure how easy those stairs will be when he’s forty weeks pregnant.
A treacherous thought reminds him that Tommy’s house is only one floor, the only steps being the ones up to the front door and the ones down to the backyard and that he also had a spare room but he forces himself not to think about it.
He must have drifted off from his place as vigil by Tommy’s bedside because when Buck wakes up there’s an old man sitting opposite him on Tommy’s other side just watching him. Buck jumps to attention, feeling his heart beating double time and waits for his stomach to twinge again but he’s fine so he relaxes a little and blinks at the stranger. He looks a little familiar now that Buck is really looking at him. There’s no way this man is Tommy’s father though they don’t look alike at all. And this man looks too kind.
“Er, hey?” Buck finally finds his voice.
“Hello.” The older man has on a navy jumper and there’s wrinkles around his eyes and mouth, evidence that he’s spent a lot of his life smiling. “I’m Tommy’s neighbor, Mr Ashby, but call me Ron.”
“Hi Ron. I’m Evan but everyone calls me Buck. I’m Tommy’s boyfriend.” Buck immediately winces at how naturally the words had just slipped out, even three months later it feels so natural to tell people that Tommy is his boyfriend.
“If I’m being honest I thought you’d broken up.” Ron is smiling slightly, head tilted to the side as he watches Buck.
“He told you that?”
“Oh no. No. He did come home one night though and played All By Myself on repeat for half an hour loud enough for me to hear through the wall and then you stopped coming around so I figured.” He gave a little shrug and Buck snorted.
“He’s so dramatic.” Buck shakes his head and looks down at Tommy, heart suddenly in his throat and tears welling up in his eyes as he wills Tommy to open his. Nothing happens though so Buck just reaches up and brushes his fingers against Tommy’s cheek before pushing his hair back from his face.
“You still love him?” Ron sounds like he already knows the answer so Buck just nods, eyes still glued to Tommy. “You know what happened to him? They just told me there had been an accident on the job over the phone.”
“The hospital called you?”
“I’m his emergency contact.”
“Oh.” Buck settles his attention back on Ron for a moment. “Why?” Maybe that’s a little rude but Ron just laughs.
“I used to work as a paediatrician so I know all about the funny hours that Tommy works. Took me a while to kick the habit of not waking up at the slightest noise so one day I heard him shuffling in at some ungodly hour, looked out the window and he looked like crap. Turns out he was coming back from the hospital so I bullied him into adding me as his contact so that I could help out. Guilted him into it by telling him it would give me something to do in my retirement.” Ron chuckles as he recalls something and shakes his head. “Stubborn one, he is. I was visiting my nephew in Florida when they called but knew I’d be back in a couple days, they didn’t say how bad it was or I'd have been back sooner.”
“That’s kind of you.” Buck says quietly, squeezing Tommy’s limp hand and feeling a spike of gratefulness that he has had at least one person on his side since before Buck knew him. “It was his helicopter. Got hit by a drone during a rescue and it went down. He got the others out but couldn’t get out of there in time so he went over a cliff. Got himself impaled and broke a few bones but he must have hit his head, its why he’s not woken up yet. But he will.” Buck finishes with a glance towards Tommy, tone almost turning into a threat because Tommy will wake up, they have something they need to discuss.
“You were there?” Ron asks and Buck sighs.
“Yeah.” Buck looks at Ron and wonders whether he should say anything, bites his lip to keep the words in instead. He’s not wanted to speak about the baby until now though. He’d briefly talked about it with Maddie and Bobby but in a more abstract way, more that it was a thing that was happening so Buck would need to sort out how he was going to deal with work and everything else but everyone seems to have understood that he’s not in a great headspace to think to far ahead right now.
“You know I’ve found its usually better to talk about whats on your mind. Kids were easy that way, they tell it like it is usually and they tend to be more carefree for it.” Ron is raising his eyebrows at Buck in a way that reminds him of Tommy entirely too much and there’s a lump in his throat but Ron is a stranger, he doesn’t have an entire history with Buck and he might not even be that close to Tommy either. He might never have to see Ron again so he starts to talk.
“When we were together it was great or at least I thought it was and I think he did too but I spooked him and we broke up. I wanted to call him, text him, talk to him all the time but everyone told me that I just needed time, that I shouldn’t call. I wish I hadn’t listened. I thought I’d see him at work but I didn’t until last week. All it took was being trapped together in a small space and we were kissing again, tried to set up a time to talk it out but our shifts didn’t line up. Turns out we were working the same scene together again and so I saw it happen. Panicked so badly I passed out, which has never happened to me before.”
Ron is giving him a sad smile but at least its not pitying so Buck sucks in a breath and carries on.
“Think it was made worse by the fact that I’d just found out I’m having his baby.” Buck’s eyes drift back towards Tommy again. “Didn’t even know I could have kids and now here we are. And he might-“ The lump in his throat expands and his voice breaks at the same time he does. “He might never wake up.”
Heaving sobs wrack his body. He hears a chair scrape against the floor and soon a comforting hand is squeezing his shoulder.
“Come on now. You’ll be alright. The baby okay?”
“Yeah.” Buck sniffles. “I’ve been told to ‘take it easy’ whatever that means. But that they’re okay.”
“Well there you go then, its not all bad. Well, assuming you’d like to keep it?”
“Yeah.” Buck says again but its a little lighter this time. “I do.”
“Then there, you got one good thing out of this mess. And I don’t know either of you well, I’m not gonna pretend to know what Tommy is gonna do but according to Mrs Flynn, she lives opposite Tommy, big gossip but you didn’t hear that from me. But according to Mrs Flynn, Tommy looked quite smitten with you, happier than he’s looked for a long time, and has been looking awful miserable the past couple of months. So maybe you just need to talk some sense into him.”
“Chim does say he has a thick head.” Buck admits, laughing a little when he remembers Tommy complaining about the woman who lives across the street always watching him when he’s working in the garage. Buck had pointed out that Tommy was often shirtless when he did it but Tommy said he could feel her eyes on him with or without the shirt. Maybe he was onto something after all.
“I can believe that.” Ron snorts. “I’ll swing by again tomorrow, you want me to grab anything from his place, I got a spare key.”
“A spare key and you’re his emergency contact, do I need to worry about some competition, Ron?”
Buck can’t quite muster a proper laugh but its the first time he’s really smiled in a few days and it feels nice. He hopes Tommy wakes up before he can see Ron again but if he doesn’t, well Ron wasn’t the worst company.
“It’s a curse.”
“A curse?”
“I wish you would wake up.”
Bobby has brought the paperwork to Buck seen as Buck isn’t going to leave the hospital to do it. He has to sign off on a few things to make the switch over to desk duty now that the doctor’s note has gone through the system. Even the clipboard everything is attached to isn’t making him feel better though.
“I’m going to lose my mind being stuck behind a desk for seven months.” He complains, one hand tangled with Tommy’s as he signs another sheet of paper.
“I’m sure you’ll find a way to cope.” Bobby says dryly from his spot next to Buck, slotting papers into the right files.
“Do you think when he wakes up he’ll let me take care of him? Someone should and I want it to be me.” Buck knows he sounds wistful and pathetic but Bobby doesn’t mention it just pauses what he’s doing and looks up at Tommy’s still figure.
“I don’t think he can say no to you, Buck.”
“Well, that’s a lie because he already has done once.”
“As far as I’m aware you said that he told you he couldn’t move in with you, not that he didn’t want and it also wasn’t an outright no.”
Buck sits back and thinks. He doesn’t like to recall that night that often, only when its dark out and he’s feeling lonely and pathetic but maybe Bobby has a point. Tommy actually hadn’t even said he didn’t want a future with Buck out loud. But if he wanted to move in together Buck had been right there, what had stopped him?
“Maybe.” He concedes. “I actually don’t think I’ll give him the chance to say no. He can stay broken up with me, he can choose not to be a part of the baby’s life but he’s going to let me take care of him, just this once. He deserves it.”
Bobby gives him a sad smile and Buck is sick of being on the receiving end of sad smiles but that’s his life right now.
He just needs Tommy to wake up.
“I’m sorry. Did you want the red one?”
“Has anyone ever told you, you're a vision in a cone?”
“Please wake up. Come back to me, I need to tell you something.”
“I think you should name the baby Chris.” Buck looks up from the list he’s making on his phone to raise an eyebrow at Chris.
“Wouldn’t that get a little confusing?” Eddie asks and Chris gives him such a withering look Buck actually feels a little sorry for the guy.
Things are still a little tense and awkward with the two of them but Chris had decided over the Christmas holidays that he wanted to come back. He didn’t want Eddie to move to Texas, he wanted to come back to LA and Buck had secretly been very relieved by that turn of events. The two of them were having family therapy and things were getting better for them, they actually talked about Shannon now. Eddie still had a mountain of issues about his ex wife to work through but he’d at least finally acknowledged that there was a problem.
“Its gender neutral.” Chris added hopefully.
“I’ll think about it.” Buck indulges him.
“It could be a middle name. Does Tommy have a middle name?” Chris asks then and Buck tenses slightly.
Tommy is still laying in the middle of the room, here but not, present for the conversation but not.
“No.” Buck says eventually. “He doesn’t. Just Tommy Kinard. I don’t have a middle name either.”
“Huh.” Chris says and Buck can see Eddie watching him worriedly from the corner of his eye but he ignores his best friend and goes back to his list, hitting random letters to make himself look busy.
He’s going to have to name his child at some point and whilst Buck desperately hopes its a choice he makes with Tommy it might not be, he might have to make the decision by himself and Tommy doesn’t even have a middle name he can steal for their kid.
What if Tommy never wakes up and Buck has a baby to name alone and he can’t even honour their dead father by using his name. He’s not even a Thomas, just a Tommy. Like Maddie.
They’d talked about it in hushed tones whilst they’d been sharing the same pillow one night all those months ago. Buck had quietly confessed that he hated when his parents called him Evan, that Tommy was the only person that said his name like it was something good. Maddie being the only other exception but she rarely calls him Evan now. Tommy was, is, different. Tommy made Evan sound and feel special.
Buck yearns for the day he hears Tommy say his name again.
“That fire was a beast.”
“So are you. Wake up! How many times do I need to ask you?”
Lucy and Anderson come by everyday to see Tommy. Lucy broke her collarbone and Anderson his ankle in all the chaos. Harbor must be severely understaffed right now. The first couple of days they hadn’t said much to Buck. Anderson had looked over at him with a guilty expression all over his face every couple of minutes and Lucy’s eyes had been glued to Tommy, flicking from his wrist to his ribs to his leg. Buck had fallen asleep during their first visit, curled over Tommy’s hand and they’d been gone when he woke up. The second day he was awake much longer and grew sick of Anderson acting like a kicked puppy.
“I don’t blame you, Anderson. Stop looking at me like that. I’m glad you’re both okay. Tommy will be glad that you’re both as fine as you could be. Stop acting like I’m going to snap if you say anything.” Buck had grunted out, patience thin that day after the nurses had made it clear he’d have to go home when visiting was over.
That had cleared some of the tension and now when they come the three of them can at least have a somewhat normal conversation. Buck hates that he’s jealous that they’re alright, knows that it could’ve been so much worse but he just wishes Tommy could’ve walked away from the whole thing only as badly injured as those two.
Its been around a week of Tommy laying here in the hospital, his fingers occasionally twitching in Buck’s but otherwise unresponsive, when Lucy and Anderson pile in with the rest of their 217 shift behind them.
“We usually do trivia on Wednesdays.” Lucy says brightly in lieu of an explanation as everyone squeezes into the room. Buck can hear one of the nurses muttering about firefighters behind them in the corridor.
“There was no point going without Kinard. He’s the brains of the operation.” Melton says from near the door.
“Yeah. We’re basically useless at movies without him.” Thompson says, eagerly plopping down on the arm of Buck’s chair like she belongs there. “We gotta get you back on the team Buckley, you killed the general knowledge.”
“Yeah, Tommy’s just being an idiot, give him a minute to rethink after he wakes up and promise you’ll take him back?” Miller, the probie, begs from behind Lucy.
“Miller.” She hisses and reaches round with her good wrist to smack at him.
Buck feels a swell of affection for them all because they’re here, they’ve come to check in and see how Tommy’s doing. The 217 might not be attached at the hip like the 118 is but they’re friends and they come through when one of them is in need.
“Look, card came from Diego this morning.” Brown is waving an envelope around and hands it over to Lucy. Diego was the pilot that was out that needed his shift covering. He’s back in New York managing a family emergency and according to Lucy and Anderson he feels terrible about Tommy being involved in the crash. So guilty even that Buck had begged for his number from Anderson (he’s weaker than Lucy) to tell him to quit it. Its not his fault, he didn’t fly a drone directly into the helicopter’s path.
The card gets added to the growing pile on Tommy’s bedside, one from Jee-Yun taking centre stage with its lopsided drawing of Tommy, Jee and Buck all holding hands and standing beside a comically small helicopter. That or the three of them are all giant. Chim had grimaced when he handed it over, telling Buck that despite Maddie gently trying to tell Jee what had happened she’d still insisted on adding a helicopter. It had made Buck smile though and they’d left it up.
Buck hates that he worried that nobody would be here for Tommy. His team are concerned about him, Sal had been by a couple of times when he could manage it and even a couple guys from Tommy’s Muay Thai gym had dropped in. Buck had bristled just a little at them, recognised one from Tommy’s tagged pictures on instagram who had seemed a little too familiar with his boyfriend but he’d been nothing but polite to Buck so he’d settled down. Everyone’s ankles had remained safe.
“We thought we’d bring trivia to Tommy. If we ask a dumb enough movie question he’ll wake up out of spite.” Anderson perches on the end of Tommy’s bed and pulls out his phone. “Its every man for himself so just yell if you know the answer. Probie! You can keep score.”
“Aw man.” Miller whines but finds a spare sheet of paper and a pen anyway.
Buck surprises even himself at how many movie questions he gets right. When he wakes up Buck can tell Tommy that despite Buck’s best efforts to distract both himself and Tommy, his movie-cation efforts have worked.
“My sister says there’s better ways to get someone’s attention.”
“Like that?”
“Yeah, that works. But you should wake up. I need you to wake up.”
Buck and Sal have been sitting in silence for half an hour. Eddie had been here earlier but he’d had to leave to pick Chris up from a sleepover. Buck isn’t even sure what day it is at this point. Its been almost two weeks though since the helicopter went down and Tommy still hasn’t woken up. Buck is about sixteen weeks pregnant now and according to the app he downloaded late one night the baby is the size of an avocado.
Buck presses the tips of his fingers lightly against his stomach, his hand tucked away into his hoodie pocket so Sal can’t see what he’s doing. He hasn’t told anybody outside of the 118 apart from Ron and the head nurse on the ward. He’d tried to win favour so that he could stay overnight but if anything it had made her more determined to send him home every night to sleep. Buck never did though, he just tossed and turned until he was too exhausted to stay awake. He slept better here knowing he was close by if Tommy woke up.
He barely glances up when someone enters the room, eyes fixed on Tommy like they always are. They took the stitches out a few days ago, the cut on Tommy’s face an angry red but it looks better than it did. The cut on his arm has also had the stitches removed and over the past couple days Buck has taken to running his fingers along it, the raised skin reminding him that Tommy made it out, battered and bruised but alive.
“Hey, kid.”
Its Bobby.
Buck turns to look up at him, gives him a brief smile before he turns back to Tommy.
“Hey Cap.”
“Nash.” Sal nods in greeting. “Sergeant.” Athena snorts from somewhere behind Bobby and Buck looks up, he didn’t know Sal knew Athena. “We go way back.” Sal says in answer to Buck’s unasked question.
“Stories for another time.” Athena says firmly but her lips twitch as if she’s repressing a smile. Her expression drops though when she turns to Buck. “We found the owner of the drone.”
Buck and Sal both sit up straighter.
The person who had been flying the drone had done a cut and run. Must’ve panicked when they saw the chopper go down and abandoned the whole thing because Athena had found only the remote and some tire tracks when she’d gone to look around. She’d spent the last week trying to find the owner, the one responsible for hitting the helicopter.
Buck’s hand inside his hoodie pocket curls into a fist.
“And?” He asks, impatience turning it into a demand.
Athena raises her eyebrow at him and he slumps down in his chair. Bobby squeezes his shoulder, leaves his hand there and Buck leans into it.
“Turns out his son had taken the thing out. Loves helicopters and wanted to get footage of one, didn’t think about the wind those things create and lost control of it.”
Great, Buck can’t even be mad at the kid. He’s angry of course but kids do dumb things all the time and Buck knows, he knows, Tommy won’t be mad.
He pulls his hand out of his hoodie so that he can lean forward and rest it over his face, curled in on himself as he feels tears stinging his eyes. Bobby is a solid presence at his shoulder, arm snaking around Buck to pull him into Bobby’s side.
Sal is saying something, his drawl echoing in Buck’s head but the words aren’t going in.
Tommy is in the hospital because of a kid who loves helicopters. Tommy was that kid at some point. He told Buck once that he grew up near an airfield and he’d sit on the roof when he wanted to get away from his dad and watch the planes and choppers soar overhead and he swore to himself he’d be the one flying them one day.
Thinking back Tommy hadn’t talked about his childhood a lot and Buck had, stupidly, never really asked about it. The topic a sore spot for himself and when it had become clear that Tommy hadn’t grown up in a happy house Buck had let the topic fade out of conversation. A mistake, really. In the months away from him Buck has realised that he wants to know Tommy inside out, he already has the man stamped across his heart so it only makes sense to know every piece of him.
Why had Buck never asked?
Tommy had seemed fine when Buck would change the subject or make a daddy joke but he’d mentioned his father more than once and Buck had barely noticed, too caught up in the shine of a new relationship and maybe Tommy had a point. It wasn’t that Tommy was the first man he’d been in a relationship with, that was bullshit and Buck, frankly, doesn’t know what was going on in his head for Tommy to say that. But Tommy had made Buck feel so good, so cared for, even loved in a way he’d never had before so he’d seen what he’d wanted to see, ignored Tommy’s flaws because he had been perfect to Buck.
He was going to ask. When, not if, when Tommy woke up Buck was going to take the opportunity to ask more questions. He was having Tommy’s child, he should know some of the deeper things about him even if they don’t get back together. Even if they co parent or if Tommy doesn’t want to parent at all, their child should be able to ask their questions about Tommy, their father, and Buck should know the answers. He will know the answers.
He just hopes Tommy wakes up so he can be asked.
“Hey. Tommy Kinard.”
“Hi. I’m Evan. Evan Buckley. Are you ever going to wake up for me? For us?”
“Tommy, please. If you don’t wanna be freaked out by a baby bump you’re gonna have to wake up soon. I actually am starting to show now so anytime you wanna join us, that would be great.”
Buck has the chair as close to Tommy’s bed as possible, their joined hands held in his lap and Tommy’s knuckles almost brushing over his stomach. Buck runs a light finger over the scar on Tommy’s arm, understands now why Tommy used to do this to the one on Buck’s leg.
He sighs quietly and glances out the window. Its dark again and soon Buck will have to leave for the night.
“I miss you.” He whispers then jolts up to his feet when he sees Tommy’s eyes flutter open.
“‘v’n?”
“Tommy?!”