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In all external affairs, the rule of the unyielding and upright should be cultivated. In all internal affairs, the rule of firm and containing should be cultivated. They are each supported by the six palaces and each palaces have their corresponding nature. In Jinling, the Sun and the moon hold up the sky together. Far are the fires of war, far are the icy mountains. If a little flame can escape the eternal ice, can a city of everchanging seasons endure it?
Even the great icecaps start to melt, mountains erode over the eons, the big river carries all things away. You are always a thought away but colours don't travel upstream. At the time, there was a heather growing in the garden.
'What did you say?'
'Your Highness - did you know this person?'
I believed you and that belief became my knowledge. You are always a thought away and I believed Scholar Su that my fated one would always stay with me. I believed him when he said that since I know what my fated one knew; of course, after he, by royal edict, became my mate, would also knew it. I believed that that's why he knew how royal brother and Xiao Shu called me water buffalo. That is why he knew about the path at the northern slope of the Jiu'An Mountain. I believed what you said on our wedding night.
We haven't completed the mating ritual then yet then.
That night, I moved the small table from the window. It has been always kept there, Xiao Shu liked to gaze out and feel the fresh air. But I was told about Scholar Su - Guwu kept asking around after him, from the soldiers of Commandery Princess Mu, from Princess Liyang's servants, even talked to Young Master Yan, so curious about this man grandmother called Little Su.
'I've heard Scholar Su has a cold sickness. Is this chamber warm enough? How is your residence?'
He was so very polite when talking about that residence. It wasn't strange then. It wasn't that strange even later, one could have thought that he was dissatisfied as it was too simple for a royal concubine or that he was uncomfortable and didn't dare to complain. I should have asked why I already knew back then that it was strange the way he felt about that residence. Wenji told me that Scholar Su almost fell when he first walked there. Wenji remembers turning back and seeing Scholar Su stepping into a hole Foya dug. I believed it was because he didn't anticipate it.
Later, as Scholar Su stayed more and more in my chambers, he finally asked if those rooms belonged to someone else before. It was used only for storage or guests or as quarantine one time. But really, did it not belong to anyone in particular? Suddenly, there was a memory. I told Xiao Shu that it could be his residence. He never stayed in anywhere else but in my chambers. I believed that I suddenly recalled it.
'I have some wine here to warm yourself with. With your health, can you drink liquor?' He hesitated before sitting down. I have read some faint reluctance, I didn't know if from the way he hold himself or how he didn't speak. I didn't know if it was because I always knew his mind.
'It's not that I do not know of your reputation as the qilin talent, the famous advisor that both the crown prince and Prince Yu want. I am aware that this affair is like tying your wings. In apology for being an unwilling tool in taking your choice away…'
'I choose Your Highness.'
I knew it was true. There was nothing faint about that, somehow, I always knew with certainty that this was true.
The cup knocked on the table, that wine of punishment not drunk.
'Even if I were given ten thousand choices, I would still choose Your Highness.'
He was saying the truth and I knew that like maybe never after that.
He smiled. He gave me his reasoning, convinced me and promised me Tingsheng, both by logic and by my own interest, I was ready to accept his sincerity, both of us pretending that I didn't know somehow just with those four words, pretending that I didn't feel that I saw his sincere heart.
'This person was…he was Lin…'
What you learned becomes memory. There was a heather growing in the garden and you only learned this from the Old Hall Master. Now I can recall, your many days in sleep, him spending many nights by your bedside.
I can recall many things now. I recall you, the sound of your voice when you called my name. I recall your hands as they grasp a horse's mane and I recall the heat of your body right by my side. I also recall you lost in thought, your fingers moving in circles and that, when you forgot about yourself, you didn't care if the sword you hold was mine or yours. These, Scholar Su said, are all Your Highness' deepest memories. When I recalled the way he was lost in thought or how he forgot about himself and pulled my sword or the way he called my name…
Suddenly ignited, fire hardens the ice before a droplet forms at the trip. Such a droplet trembles, trembles before it falls apart. Clouding up, the air is moist. Cold, the cold air chills - his body is chilled - and he flinches away as the ice burns. Mountain of ice burned down in fiery hell as the flag of the red flame falls to the ground, the unreceptive ground that won't take their broken bodies no matter how much their blood flows, the red blood forever flows, it is forever burning, the water falls down on the earth but the blood is still burning at the border.
These were all my memories of Xiao Shu. I remembered the fire and I remembered how Scholar Su flinched away from the cold, I remembered the heat and his damp body, all that red and his deathly pale visage. I remembered his eyelids blue, fluttering shut. I remembered this all and he said, he learned this all from me.
I closed my eyes. I regretted harming Scholar Su like that so much.
He gulped down some water from the cup I held for him. I've brought dry bedclothes over, not calling any maids. He didn't drink the offere wine before. I wanted to ask again, to know if it would warm him up or worsen his condition.
I remember how I sat later alone as I escorted him back to his chambers. Wondered if they are warm enough. Feeling the air stuffed and moving the table back to the window. I thought of the image of that flag falling down, half-burned already. I thought of the image of it being buried by the snow. That feeling of eternal cold, I couldn't have felt. I must have imagined it after my thoughts returning for thirteen years.
In the first season, the ground froze, no matter how much the Sun bore down, it remained until the second season, a layer of frost formed. For thirteen season, each season was marked like this, the ice growing and the heat never came. Thirteen years passed and you were never far from my mind. But that year, that person made me recall you all the more.
He did not ask more about the memories of Meiling that night.
Then, I thought he didn't care or didn't want to know. Now, I can recall what you learned from the Old Hall Master.
He didn't know if you are aware enough to be listening and you didn't know if he was speaking or you were dreaming. Before then, when you discussed with your father about breaking off the engagement with the Mu family, his father told you this much: he has indeed met his fated one at the Langya Mountains and they never met again. The Old Hall Master told you stories about his fated one who he has only seen once before his death.
I remember this memory, then how can I not remember what you learned before he left: the depth he has fallen after your father's death, a person he has never seeked out before. How much regret can weigh one down if they knew of all the misery of their person?
'This person was indeed Lin Xie.'
When the answer arrives, there must still be someone who knows the question. With you in my mind, I rushed out of the main hall, I only had you in my mind! Always a thought away and I still never knew how close you were, how far you were.
'Who else knows that you carry Xiao Shu's memories?' You asked that night as if they were in my mind and not in yours!
Those people in front of my eyes, most of them were dead by then. Commander Lin, royal brother, Prince Mu, the princess…I knew the grief that came with their memories.
'Did you tell the prince? What was the need…?' He knew when I recalled the memory and he looked at me with such disappointment as if he wanted to call me a fool. The grief goes on.
The prince, the princess, of course, I wanted to protect them for you. If their family could be spared like the Lin family could not be anymore, I would tell the world that you were my fated one. But the prince didn't agree. He said that the engagement wasn't broken in Lin Shu's life, it will not be even if he is a sinner now. He said, if the Emperor is really going to implicate them for that, he will accept it. That year, he died. That year, the war broke out in Yunnan.
'By now, there is only my mother.' The other two people, Guwu and Wenji always a thought away. Even then, there was still another person in my thoughts. Little Wen and Old Wen to everyone else. Scholar Su was only in the manor for three days then. 'Naturally, Concubine Huo and Concubine Chen. They didn't suffer to such an extent. I should have considered your health…'
His eyes finally opened.
'Your Highness, there is nothing to regret. I told you that out of ten thousand choices, I would choose Your Highness ten thousand times. If that ten thousand contains the uprightness of the minister, can it not contain the devotion required in this current situation?'
Who else knew of these memories? How much did you suffer? Why did I not recognise your devotion earlier? There was always only you by my side. Why did you not tell me?
The Eastern Palace has great halls and palaces for the consorts. My feet bring me, like always, toward the heart. In the innermost rooms, you would be there.
How much you suffered and why did you not tell me, I do not know. But I know your mind. I know that you will never be farther than a thought away.