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This was supposed to be an ordinary concert, but nothing went as planned for the leader. Despite his repeated efforts to calm himself, Seungcheol struggled to catch his breath.
He felt once again the sharp pain in his chest, the tightness in his throat, the overwhelming sensation of suffocation. The fear of dying consumed him, eating away at him both physically and psychologically.
He fought to finish the lyrics of the second song of the evening, his rap escaping his mouth with difficulty. He was running out of air, and the shortness of breath was audible between every word. The other members of the group looked at him with concern, knowing that the leader was about to completely lose control.
The staff was already in position, ready to evacuate him from the stage. As soon as the song ended and the lights briefly dimmed, Seungcheol was carried off the stage. He was helped down the stairs, but he collapsed immediately onto the ground.
“I can’t breathe." he panicked, unbuttoning his t-shirt to try to relieve the pressure. He clung to the floor, his head spinning.
“Seungcheol, stay with us, focus on your breathing. Slowly." the manager calmly advised, as they transported him to a small couch in the hallway.
“I can’t do it, I can’t do it." Seungcheol stammered, desperately gasping for air. He put his head in his hands and leaned forward, tears streaming down his face. Crying, he grabbed his hair, overwhelmed by emotion.
“Why is this happening to me? I’m going to die!” Seungcheol was overwhelmed with frantic hysteria, the pain in his chest growing more intense. He clutched his chest tightly as if trying to push the pain away.
“No, you’re not going to die." the manager tried to reassure him. “It’s just a panic attack. You need to focus on your breathing to calm down.” A doctor was already there, ready to assist him. He pulled out an oxygen mask, hoping to relieve Seungcheol.
“I don’t want that. I’m fine!” Seungcheol violently pushed the mask away, his voice filled with panic as he continued to struggle against the overwhelming pain.
“No, it’s not okay, put it on!” the manager ordered, as everyone rushed around Seungcheol to try to calm him down. The panic and sensation of losing control made him almost uncontrollable.
Eventually, they managed to put the oxygen mask on him, and he collapsed onto the couch, exhausted from the lack of air. “That’s good, breathe slowly." one of the staff members comforted him, while the doctor checked his rapid pulse, revealing concerning tachycardia. “We need to take him to the hospital for tests." he announced, and a staff member rushed to find an ambulance.
A few minutes later, Jeonghan came off stage, visibly exhausted and sick. He had been feeling weak and had been dizzy for a few days. He was being helped to the rest area but had to pass by Seungcheol and the rest of the staff in the hallway. The leader had the oxygen mask on his face, his eyes closed, with someone fanning him. The sight twisted Jeonghan’s heart.
“Jeonghan, come on, we have the situation under control.” the second manager gently urged him not to stay and worry about Seungcheol.
“But I want to see him quickly, please.” Jeonghan pleaded with a trembling voice, trying to convince the manager.
“It won’t be good for him if you’re in this condition too." the manager said, seeing Jeonghan heading toward Seungcheol despite his instructions. Frustrated by the disobedience, he sighed as he watched the young man.
“Jeonghan, what are you doing here? You should rest until the end of the concert. We’ll give you some vitamins.” another person intervened, cutting off his path, but Jeonghan ignored him.
“I just want to reassure him." he muttered. He was even more determined to do so as an ambulance worker arrived with their equipment to transport the elder to the car. Although Seungcheol’s crisis was beginning to subside, it had lasted about fifteen minutes, leaving him utterly drained.
The angel knelt in front of Seungcheol, who had lowered his head between his knees to focus on his breathing. He gently stroked his back, and Seungcheol weakly lifted his head, recognizing the comforting hand.
He tried to remove his mask to speak. “Are you sick?” he asked with concern, but Jeonghan stopped him by placing his hand on the mask to put it back in place.
“You don’t need to talk. I’m just tired. Everything will be fine, okay?” Jeonghan reassured Seungcheol in a soft voice, though he himself was completely pale.
Seungcheol, with his eyes bright, found some comfort in seeing Jeonghan synchronize his breathing with his own. Jeonghan’s calming words helped him relax a little more.
“We need to go." the ambulance worker announced, placing a hand on Jeonghan’s shoulder. He nodded and gently stroked Seungcheol’s hair.
“It’ll get better, okay? We’ll see each other later." Jeonghan assured him, gently holding Seungcheol’s hand, caressing the back of it with his thumb. He gave him one last encouraging look before retreating to rest while the leader was taken away from the Arena.
•••
Two days later, an emergency meeting was held when the group returned to Seoul. The CEO asked to see all thirteen members to discuss the situation. They entered the room with palpable anxiety, in silence.
Gathered around the large table, often used for crucial decisions about the group’s future, they waited for instructions. Seungcheol, still affected, remained silent and pale, with dark circles under his eyes. After a series of tests conducted that night, only one conclusion had been reached:
“I received the doctor’s report, which diagnosed severe anxiety symptoms in Seungcheol, severely affecting his health.” explained the CEO. The members remained silent, looking at Seungcheol, who was doing his best to look okay, but all the eyes on him became an additional source of stress. It was hard for him to be the center of attention.
“We must now make a collective decision to resolve this situation." continued the CEO. “I’m willing to allow Seungcheol to take a break so he can recover at his own pace. However, this must be done with your agreement and Seungcheol’s.” He turned his gaze to the leader, who seemed deeply thoughtful.
“What do you think?” asked the CEO, looking at the concerned one with silent expectation.
Seungcheol, his throat tight with stress, had trouble swallowing. His face was pale, and his hands trembled slightly as he tried to speak.
“I… I want to stay with you. We’re in the middle of a tour, and I can’t leave you now.” he said with difficulty. His response was met with murmurs of disagreement from the other members, who exchanged worried looks.
“Hyung, there’s no abandonment here.” Soonyoung intervened kindly but firmly. “Your health comes first.” His voice, full of wisdom and compassion, aimed to remind Seungcheol that taking care of oneself was not a sign of weakness, but rather a necessity.
“We need you to be in top form, hyung. You really need rest." Jihoon added, his best friend, clearly concerned.
The members began speaking at the same time, trying to convince Seungcheol, but he turned to Jeonghan, who had not yet spoken due to his own illness. He noticed that the angel was biting the inside of his cheek, and he desperately wanted to know his opinion.
“And you, Jeonghan? Your opinion matters a lot to us as one of the oldest of the group. What do you think of the situation? I know you’re not well either right now. Do you think you’re capable of continuing and taking care of the dongsaengs during Seungcheol’s absence?” the CEO asked, as if he had read Seungcheol’s thoughts. Jeonghan finally spoke up.
“I think the group will follow what I say. We want him to take a break. We can’t keep seeing him like this. He’s been hurting himself for weeks, and it’s really worrying us. Seungcheol, you need to step away from this for a while. As for me, I’ll recover slowly, it’s just low blood pressure and accumulated fatigue. I’ll take care of the others, I promise. You can take this break in peace.” he assured, looking into Seungcheol’s eyes to emphasize the sincerity of his words.
“Seungcheol?” the CEO finally called, bringing their discussion to a close. A heavy silence filled the room. Seungcheol lowered his head, his shoulders sagging under the weight of the decision he was about to announce. “… okay…” he murmured, barely audible.
The CEO nodded gently, as if validating this choice. “Alright. I think this is the best solution for you right now. We’ll set up psychological follow-up to help you recover as soon as possible. And know that you can stay at the dorm if you feel the need.”
Seungcheol lifted his eyes, briefly meeting the CEO’s gaze, and nodded in return. “Thank you…” he whispered, his voice broken.
The return to the dorm was marked by a heavy silence. The members walked behind him, carefully avoiding his gaze. They were extremely sad to leave their friend.
Once back, everyone found refuge in their rooms, trying to digest the decision. The living room remained empty until the evening. Only after dinner, when it was time to gather, did they all come together, sitting in a circle on the couches and chairs.
Seungcheol stood, hands clasped in front of him. His gaze swept over his friends, his “brothers” who he would have to let go of the next morning. They had an early flight to Bangkok, followed by a stop in Vietnam for the AAA ceremony. For at least five days, he wouldn’t see them.
He took a deep breath, feeling the knot in his throat tighten. “I wanted… to say a few words before you leave." he began, his voice slightly trembling. The others looked up at him, their faces filled with concern and sadness.
“I’m sorry I can’t come with you, guys. I did everything I could to hold on as long as I could. But…” He paused, searching for the right words. “I think I can’t anymore, not for now.”
He ran a nervous hand through his hair, as if to hide the pain he felt. “It feels like my head just doesn’t want to follow sometimes. It’s like all this weight, all this pressure… it’s getting too heavy.”
The others lowered their eyes, some fidgeting with their hands or the sleeves of their sweatshirts, unable to hold his gaze.
Seungcheol gave a faint smile, despite himself. “I know you’ll manage just fine without me. You guys are incredible, and I’m so proud of what we’ve accomplished together. Just look out for each other, okay? I know you’re all tired.”
His gaze swept across the room, lingering on each of them. “I think we all deserve a break… But we’re committed to this world tour, and you’re going to blow them away.” He let out a sigh, then continued, his voice breaking slightly. “For now, the adventure is on pause for me.”
He briefly looked away, feeling the tears well up, but continued, “I hope you’ll bring me a trophy from Vietnam. It doesn’t have to be a Daesang. It’d just be nice to see that our efforts weren’t in vain.”
“You’re going to be missed, hyung.” murmured the maknae, his eyes bright with sincere sadness.
A murmur of agreement swept through the group. “We really wish it could be different…” added Mingyu, voicing what they all felt.
Seungcheol smiled faintly, his shoulders still heavy. In his eyes was a silent promise: to come back, stronger.
“I will miss you too guys." he murmured, a sad smile spreading across his lips. “I really wish it hadn’t come to this, but… sometimes a career faces tough trials. And I know we’ll overcome it, together. Alright?”
He paused, gauging their reactions. The faces of his members brightened a little, a spark of hope in their eyes.
“Yeah!” they chorused, their voices a little more lively.
Seungcheol let out a small laugh. Suddenly, he threw his arms wide. “Come here.”
Without hesitation, all the members rushed toward him. In an instant, they embraced in a collective hug. Their arms tangled awkwardly, some squashed in the center, others gently tapping Seungcheol’s back. But no matter the awkwardness or the rising heat in the embrace, it was their way of showing they were there for him, supporting him no matter what he was going through.
“Hyung, you’re the pillar of the group.” murmured Minghao in the embrace, his voice muffled by Mingyu behind him. “Take care of yourself, for us.”
Seungcheol closed his eyes, his arms tightening a little more around his friends. “Always.” he answered simply, his voice filled with emotion.
The hug lasted a little longer than usual, no one wanting to be the first to pull away…
•••
That evening, as the dormitory settled into quiet, light knocks echoed on Seungcheol’s door. Lying on his bed, the leader scrolled absently through his phone, a video playing but hardly capturing his attention. Despite his exhaustion, sleep seemed out of reach.
“Come in." he said, glancing up from his phone.
The door opened slowly to reveal Jeonghan, wearing an oversized sweatshirt and messy hair. He stood still for a moment, hesitating, before closing the door behind him.
Seungcheol frowned slightly, sitting up a little. “What are you doing here? You should be in bed, Han. You guys leave early tomorrow. And you’re sick, you should be resting.”
Jeonghan shrugged, avoiding his gaze, his eyes fixed on the floor as if searching for the right words. “I know… But I’m worried about you.” he finally admitted.
Seungcheol studied him for a moment, his expression softening at these unexpected words. He sighed softly and set his phone on the nightstand, tapping the space next to him on the bed. “Come on, sit down.”
Jeonghan didn’t hesitate. He crossed the room in a few steps and sat at the edge of the bed, not wanting to impose further.
“Listen." Seungcheol began, his voice gentler. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be back. This… it’s just temporary.”
Jeonghan kept his head lowered, his hands clasped on his knees. “Maybe… But do you really think you’re okay?” He finally looked up at him, his eyes full of sincerity. “Do you think you’re going to be able to hold up, here, alone?”
Seungcheol blinked, caught off guard by the vulnerability in his voice. “I’ll manage. It’s not the first time I’ve been through something tough, you know that.”
Jeonghan shook his head, a flicker of frustration crossing his face. “It’s not the same this time, Seungcheol. I know you… You hide everything behind this leader role. But right now, it’s you who needs protecting. Not us.”
A silence settled in. Seungcheol lowered his eyes because he knew Jeonghan was right. “And you, do you think you’ll hold up?” he asked softly, trying to change the subject.
Jeonghan shrugged, but his tired smile betrayed his pain. “We’ll see tomorrow. But honestly, I’m more worried about you than about me.”
Seungcheol sighed. “Don’t put that on your shoulders, Han. You’ve already got enough to deal with with your own condition.”
Jeonghan yawned at that moment, his hand barely covering the gesture, and Seungcheol felt his gaze soften despite himself. He hesitantly reached out, brushing Jeonghan’s arm. “You should go to sleep. You look exhausted.”
Jeonghan sat up slightly, but instead of leaving, he turned his head toward Seungcheol, a tender glint in his eyes. “You know, it’s you who’s keeping me from sleeping.”
Seungcheol felt his heart skip a beat. He tried to answer with a light laugh, but his voice caught in his throat. “Han…”
“It’s going to be long, five days without you." Jeonghan murmured, his voice tinged with a hint of sadness. He rested his head against the wall, his gaze lost in the distance, deliberately avoiding Seungcheol’s.
The leader watched him in silence, his brow furrowed slightly, before responding softly, “We’ll call each other every night, okay? Even with the time difference. If you want to call me in the middle of the night, do it. I’ll pick up.”
Jeonghan turned toward him at those words, a shy smile spreading across his lips. “You should sleep too, you know… Don’t answer my calls at three in the morning.”
Seungcheol shrugged, a small grin on his lips. “You know I won’t be sleeping much anyway. So, might as well hear your voice.”
These words lingered in the air. Jeonghan quickly looked away, his cheeks flushing slightly, and Seungcheol, sensing the tension in the air, sat up on the bed, nervously playing with a corner of the blanket.
“Go to sleep now." he said after a moment. “It’s late, and you need to rest.”
Jeonghan didn’t respond immediately. He remained frozen, hesitating, before slowly sitting up. Then, without warning, he reached out and hugged him.
Seungcheol froze, surprised by this unexpected gesture, his heart beating faster against his chest. It was only when he felt Jeonghan’s head gently rest against his shoulder that he timidly wrapped his arms around him.
Seungcheol lowered his head slightly, his nose brushing against the silky strands of Jeonghan’s hair.
Jeonghan closed his eyes, surrendering to the embrace. “I can still smell your perfume even after your shower. It’s so strong." he murmured, almost to himself, his voice so low that Seungcheol wasn’t sure if he’d heard correctly.
“You say that as if it bothers you." Seungcheol replied softly, a playful smile on his lips.
Jeonghan shook his head gently, his forehead resting against the leader’s shoulder. “No… it doesn’t bother me at all.”
A tense silence settled again, but this time, it was different. Heavier. Seungcheol, still motionless, felt a shiver run down his spine when Jeonghan shifted slightly, tightening his embrace.
“You know." Jeonghan spoke again after a while, his voice almost breaking. “It’s in these moments that I realize how much you mean to me.”
Seungcheol felt his breath catch for a moment. He wanted to respond, to find the right words, but nothing came. Instead, he tightened his arms around Jeonghan, gently resting his cheek against the top of his head.
They stayed like that for a long time, neither of them wanting to move. And even though words were missing, their gestures spoke for them.
Finally, Jeonghan gently pulled away, a weak but sincere smile on his lips. “Good night, Cheol.”
Seungcheol nodded, unable to respond otherwise, his hands still suspended in the air where they had held Jeonghan just a moment before. “Good night, Hannie.”
And as Jeonghan left the room, closing the door behind him, Seungcheol sat there, his heart still racing, knowing that this hug was not just a simple gesture of friendship and he knew it.
•••
The next morning, the twelve members left the dormitory in silence, leaving their leader deeply asleep. The fatigue from the previous day, mixed with the emotion of the departure, had finally knocked him out.
In the Hip Hop Unit’s car, Seungcheol’s absence was painfully noticeable. Mingyu, usually loud, stared out the window, his chin resting on his hand. Wonwoo flipped through a book absentmindedly, not really reading, while Vernon listened to music.
“It feels weird, huh?” Mingyu murmured, finally breaking the silence.
Wonwoo nodded softly without looking up from his book. “Yeah… It’s like there’s a missing piece. But it’s better this way. He won’t have to face the chaos at the airport.”
Indeed, a massive crowd of journalists, fans, and fan sites were already waiting. Flashbulbs were going off before the members even stepped outside. The murmurs and shouts mixed, creating a deafening noise. Journalists desperately tried to capture tired faces, sad eyes, or any reaction.
In the Vocal Unit’s car, Jeonghan had trouble getting out. He sat still, eyes half-closed, one hand pressed against his temple.
“Are you okay?” Joshua asked softly, placing a hand on his shoulder.
Jeonghan shook his head weakly. “I have a headache. There’s too many people, too much noise. They’re here for one reason… To see if we’re at our breaking point.”
Joshua gave him a concerned look, but Jeonghan avoided his gaze. He didn’t want to show how bad he was feeling, both physically and mentally. The night hadn’t helped. His head still ached, and the vitamins they had given him seemed useless.
“Han, stop thinking like that. I’ll stay by your side if it gets too much, okay?” Joshua encouraged him, leaning slightly into the car, his gaze firm yet gentle.
Jeonghan sighed, then reluctantly nodded. “I’ll be fine, Josh…”
He finally got out, although his legs were still a little shaky. Joshua stayed by his side, his hand discreetly placed on his back to offer support if needed. Together, they walked to the front of the group, ready to face the crowd.
The flashes went off frantically around them, the crowd of journalists and fan sites pressing in to capture every detail. But as soon as they crossed the first barriers, a more daring journalist approached Jeonghan, the camera almost pressed to his face.
Already uncomfortable, Jeonghan took a step back, but the man kept advancing. “Jeonghan-ssi! Look over here! How do you feel after Seungcheol’s temporary departure? Any comments?” he shouted without hesitation.
A bodyguard immediately intervened. He placed a firm hand on the journalist’s shoulder to gently but firmly push him back. “Step back, please. Give him some space.”
The staff, alerted by the situation, quickly gathered. One of the managers stepped between the journalist and Jeonghan, giving him a cold look. “Respect the boundaries, or you’ll be escorted out." he said firmly.
Jeonghan, still tense, turned his eyes away, trying to regain his composure. Joshua, on the other hand, leaned slightly toward him, lowering his voice. “Are you okay?”
Jeonghan nodded, though his smile wavered for a moment. “Yeah… Thanks.” The American moved past him, and the angel clung to his back to avoid getting lost in the crowd. He hated being in this position, so vulnerable under the relentless spotlight.
When they finally reached the safe zone inside the airport, Jeonghan let out a long breath, releasing the built-up tension…
•••
The concert that same day had gone smoothly, despite Seungcheol’s absence. After consulting with the staff, Jeonghan wisely decided to only participate in the less demanding choreography. He was still weak, his dizziness and frequent lightheadedness being clear signs that he wasn’t yet ready to give his all on stage. But despite that, he didn’t want to disappoint. He did what he could, staying very focused on the parts he could perform easily.
The other members had put in extra effort to compensate for the absence of their leader. Their performance had been flawless, and the fans had no reason to suspect the underlying tension and fatigue. They gave everything, as if Seungcheol were there, in every smile, every step, every movement. Their voices were louder, their presence on stage more striking. A show worthy of their name, offered to the Carats, as expected.
The day had passed relatively easily for the members. Sure, the sense of missing something was palpable, but it was still bearable. They had learned to fill the gap, to deal with the temporary absence, a break they hoped would be brief. They knew they all had a role to play, and together, they were managing to get through this challenge.
The next day, however, things took a more serious turn with the arrival of the grand Asia Artist Awards ceremony. The group was there, full of energy, and the excitement of their early victories gave them a boost. With two awards in hand, they thought their evening was nearing its end. Fatigue was starting to set in, but the anticipation of the Daesang awards, those prestigious prizes, was both thrilling and doubtful.
In four and a half years of their career, they had never won a Daesang. They had always fought for that moment, but the competition was fierce, and every victory seemed to slip further away. They believed in themselves, but a part of them remained realistic about their chances of winning such a prize. A Daesang was reserved for the greatest groups, those that had made an unforgettable mark on the industry. And while they were loved and respected, they hadn’t yet reached that peak.
The evening wore on, the awards continued, and the members relaxed a little. They were almost ready to accept that the Daesangs would slip away once again, focusing instead on their already well-deserved success. But what they didn’t know was that the biggest moment of the evening had not yet arrived.
The VCR announcing the Daesang for Album of the Year began, and the entire hall seemed to hold its breath. When the music of Fear played, followed by the frenzied screams of the fans, time seemed to stand still. The members of Seventeen froze, their eyes wide.
“No, this is a joke?” Seokmin asked, his gaze searching Jun’s. But Jun, equally stunned, remained silent. Around them, the crowd was already standing, applauding, while a staff member gently tapped them on the back to push them toward the stage.
They walked slowly. Smiles gradually broke out on their faces, a mix of disbelief and pure joy. When they reached the front of the stage, Seungkwan grabbed the trophy and, without hesitation, passed it to Jihoon. The fans screamed, filling the hall with an electric and euphoric energy.
Jihoon stepped up to the mic, his hands trembling as he held the trophy.
“Thank you so much to our Carats, to our staff, and to everyone who has believed in us from the beginning. This award is the result of your constant love and support. We owe everything to you.”
He lowered his head slightly, his eyes shining, before passing the mic to another member. One by one, the younger members took the mic, each expressing their gratitude in their own way. But despite the smiles, there seemed to be a shadow over them.
Even non-Carats in the audience noticed the odd atmosphere. Some whispered that the members didn’t seem as euphoric as they would have expected. But what they didn’t know was the sadness that accompanied their victory: Seungcheol wasn’t there.
When it was Seungkwan’s turn to speak again, he instinctively turned toward the camera, holding the trophy high. “Hyung, are you watching? We finally did it! We won this for you!” he shouted proudly.
Mingyu followed, his large hands gripping the mic as though to contain his emotions. “Scoups-hyung always talked about his dream of winning a Daesang… Hyung, today, that dream has come true. We did it, and it’s thanks to you too!”
That was the tipping point. Spontaneously, the fans in the hall began chanting Seungcheol’s name, filling the space with an emotional and powerful chorus. The members exchanged looks, some of them quietly letting tears slip.
In South Korea, Seungcheol was unable to contain his emotions. His tears flowed freely as he watched the stage, his brothers finally holding the trophy they had longed for. He couldn’t believe it. Their hard work, all those sleepless nights, all the moments of doubt… It had all been rewarded in the most beautiful way.
With a trembling hand, he grabbed his phone. He immediately posted on the fan café. “Thank you to all the Carats. Thank you for always believing in us. This award is as much yours as it is ours.”
Then, he sent a message to the group chat: “Congrats, guys. I’m so proud of you. Next time, we’ll all have it, together.”
When the ceremony ended, the members sat for a moment in their dressing room, the trophy placed at the center of the table. It was only then that the reality of what they had just experienced hit them full force. Seokmin was the first to break down, quickly followed by Seungkwan and Dino. Even Mingyu, usually so stoic, ended up hiding his face in his hands.
Jihoon, for his part, stepped back into a corner, hoping to cry quietly. But his phone buzzed in his pocket. Pulling it out, he saw the message from Seungcheol: “I’m so proud of us, Ji. Ten years of friendship, hard work… And especially yours. You’re the best composer, really. Seventeen would be nothing without you.” Silent tears ran down his face as the leader vocal.
Minghao, who had been watching him silently, approached gently and placed a reassuring hand on his back. Their eyes met briefly, a silent exchange between two friends who knew exactly what the other felt.
Across the room, Jeonghan was sitting on the couch, watching his members jump for joy, letting themselves go in celebration with laughter and tears. He was happy for them, but the fatigue had caught up with him. He had secretly shed a few tears, but he hated crying in public. So, he stayed there, a little to the side, watching the scene he had long dreamed of seeing. But a big part of him was still suspended by the absence of Seungcheol. He felt the void in his heart, but he didn’t want to let that show.
Just then, a soft noise signaled someone’s arrival at his side. Joshua, who hadn’t hesitated for a second, dropped heavily onto the couch beside Jeonghan. He smiled mischievously, ready to tease his friend.
“So, do you regret not quitting a few years ago?” he asked, laughing softly, his eyes shining with sincere affection.
Jeonghan turned his head toward him, a sly smile forming on his lips. “No, and I’m really glad to be here with you today.” Joshua, satisfied with the answer, gave him an enthusiastic pat on the hand. They didn’t need anything else to understand each other.
Just then, Jeonghan’s phone vibrated in his hands. He looked at it, a slight smile forming on his face when he saw Seungcheol’s name appear. He took a deep breath before reading the message that had just arrived.
“I hope you’re feeling better. You were perfect tonight during the performance. I’m so proud of you.” The words warmed his heart, but a hint of sadness mixed with that warmth. He gripped his phone tightly, eyes focused on the screen, before replying with a few words that said it all. “I miss you so much.”
The reply came almost immediately. “I miss you too.”
Jeonghan closed his eyes for a moment. His heart beat a little faster, and he felt a pang in his chest. He felt lonelier than ever without Seungcheol, but at the same time, he was proud of what they had accomplished together.
•••
The members, excited and impatient, had only one thought in mind: to reunite with their leader. They had just returned to Seoul after this incredible day, and their cars stopped in front of the dorm. Without wasting a second, they all rushed toward the elder’s door, the Album of the Year trophy proudly held by Wonwoo.
“Hyung!” they all shouted together, a collective cry that echoed down the hallway.
Soonyoung, always a little faster, arrived first and opened the door with a bright smile. There, Seungcheol waited, arms crossed, a mischievous smile on his lips. He didn’t move a muscle, savoring the moment. But in the blink of an eye, it all turned into chaos. The weight of twelve members fell on him in an instant, and before he could react, he was on the ground, right in the middle of a giant human pile. Laughter erupted as Seungkwan, crushed under the weight of his friends, screamed in pain.
“We missed you, hyung!” shouted Mingyu, a huge smile on his face.
“It felt so long without you!” exclaimed Joshua.
“We really wanted you to be here with us, hyung.” added Seungkwan, a little out of breath but with a big smile.
Words of affection kept coming. Seungcheol, still on the ground, allowed himself to be enveloped by this warmth, especially by the gestures of each member who pressed around him to show their love. He took a moment to greet each one with a look full of gratitude, but his attention lingered a little longer on Jeonghan, who, strangely, seemed more affectionate than usual. The boy was also staring at him but quickly looked away when their eyes met.
That evening, the atmosphere was completely wild. What started as a quiet evening quickly turned into total chaos. Seokmin and Seungkwan, insatiable and wild, had started a crazy competition to see who could hold their liquor the longest. Their laughter mixed with screams, and after seven drinks, they collapsed into uncontrollable laughter, unable to continue.
Jun, on the other hand, was on the floor, deep in conversation… with a chair. He seemed completely lost in his thoughts, talking seriously to the inanimate object as though waiting for a response. Minghao, half-hilarious, was pacing the room with a glass of wine in his hand, capturing videos of the scene for his “personal file” while observing the other members with an amused eye. Mingyu and Chan, in an euphoric state, had started an intense dance in the middle of the living room, under Joshua’s guitar playing, who, although calm, seemed relaxed enough to play despite the chaos around him.
At the center of the scene, Wonwoo and Jihoon were in their own little bubble. Completely ignoring the chaos around them, the two had started a video game in the middle of the living room, their focus surprising in such a moment. Meanwhile, Jeonghan and Vernon had to take care of Soonyoung, who, in an increasingly miserable state, was fighting his stomach in the bathroom.
The scene seemed almost mundane for the members of Seventeen. Only Seungcheol was there, calm amidst the chaos. He sat on the couch, a beer in his hands, his eyes following his members in their bursts of laughter and frantic dancing. But unlike them, he couldn’t bring himself to fully enjoy the evening. A sense of emptiness weighed on him, a kind of discomfort that had been intensifying in recent days.
He had never been the type to doubt his role within the group, but lately, those thoughts had been sneaking into his mind. He felt as though he wasn’t up to the task, as though he wasn’t as indispensable as he had always believed. Watching the members having fun together, he felt like an outsider, despite the closeness. He wondered if, without him, things would have continued as smoothly. If, perhaps, he was no longer as essential to Seventeen’s success as he had once been.
He wasn’t sure if it was accumulated fatigue or the alcohol that darkened his thoughts, but he felt more and more disconnected. He watched his friends having fun, but he couldn’t fully rejoice in it.
The night seemed set to be peaceful after the reunion evening. Yet, in the middle of the night, Jeonghan’s phone vibrated, pulling him out of a deep sleep. Normally, he never heard his phone at that time, but this time something made him wake up.
His eyes adjusted to the light of the screen, and his gaze narrowed at the sight of the message. His heart skipped a beat as he read the three words: “I’m sorry.”
He froze for a second, the phone gripped tightly between his trembling fingers, before typing a frantic reply.
“What do you mean ? What are you doing?”
He waited, tense. No response.
Jeonghan’s blood ran cold. He threw his blanket off, breathless, already filled with a deep panic.
“No, no, no, this idiot didn’t do this.”
Without wasting a second, he left his room and rushed down the hallway at full speed, climbing the stairs to the upper dormitory. The beat of his heart echoed in his temples.
Arriving in front of Seungcheol’s door, he placed a trembling hand on the handle. Fortunately, it wasn’t locked. He rushed in, a lump in his throat.
The scene before him froze his blood: Seungcheol was there, slumped on his bed, his features drawn and a frightening pallor overtaking his face. Beside him, a bottle of pills lay open, the tablets scattered across the nightstand.
“Seungcheol!” Jeonghan screamed as he rushed to him.
The leader’s body was heavy, lifeless, as though drained of all energy. Jeonghan placed a hand on his shoulder, then on his face, trying to shake him gently before the anxiety overwhelmed him.
“Wake up, damn it, don’t do this!”
He felt a slight movement, a shiver. Seungcheol opened his eyes with difficulty, his eyelids heavy, his vision blurry. He seemed to struggle to break free from a thick fog.
“Jeonghan…” he whispered weakly, his voice cracked, almost inaudible.
Jeonghan’s relief was immediate, but the worry didn’t leave him. His hands kept checking his pulse, his frantic gestures reflecting his fear of seeing Seungcheol slip away again.
“What did you do, you idiot? Why did you do this?!” Jeonghan shouted, his voice trembling, a mix of anger and despair.
Seungcheol tried to speak, but the words seemed stuck in his throat. A lone tear slid down his cheek, his chest barely rising with his silent sobs.
“I… I couldn’t take it anymore…” he managed to say after a long silence.
Jeonghan shook his head, jaw clenched, refusing to hear those words. He grabbed his phone with a firm hand, the other still on Seungcheol to keep him awake.
“I’m going to get help. You’re not going anywhere, do you hear me? You’re staying with me.”
Seungcheol tried to lift a hand to stop Jeonghan, but his strength failed him. “No… No need… I’m sorry… I…”
“How many did you take?!” Jeonghan exclaimed, his voice filled with a panic he no longer tried to hide. His hands tightly gripped Seungcheol’s arms.
Seungcheol weakly raised his eyes to him, his glazed look meeting his friend’s. “Too many…” he whispered, his lips barely able to form the word.
Those seven letters were enough to freeze Jeonghan’s blood. His heart began to race, panic rising sharply as the gravity of the situation sank in. The smell of alcohol on Seungcheol’s breath only worsened things. With the amount of pills he had ingested, this could only lead to disaster.
“No, no, no, it’ll be okay… I’ll help you, alright…alright !?” Jeonghan said, his voice broken and panicked.
He didn’t realize that tears were already rolling down his cheeks. His own despair was consuming him as he pulled Seungcheol to help him stand.
“Get up, Cheol! I won’t let you go like this.”
Seungcheol, despite his failing strength, managed to obey, but his legs kept giving way. Jeonghan threw an arm around his waist, supporting his weight while pulling him toward the bathroom.
“It’ll be okay… it has to be okay…” Jeonghan kept repeating like a prayer, more to reassure himself than Seungcheol.
Once they reached the bathroom, Seungcheol collapsed heavily on the floor, his legs no longer able to hold him. Jeonghan dropped to his knees beside him, his heart pounding frantically.
He gently cupped Seungcheol’s face in his hands, his thumbs caressing his trembling cheeks.
“Look at me, Cheol. No, stay with me. Please, hang in there. Make yourself throw up, it’s not too late to stop this!”
His tears kept falling relentlessly, streaming down his pale cheeks.
Seungcheol tried to sit up with difficulty, swaying under the weight of his exhausted body. Jeonghan, despite his trembling hands and lingering panic, helped him sit in front of the toilet.
“Come on, Cheol, you can do it, I’m here. Try… make yourself throw up, please…”
Seungcheol nodded weakly, his movements hesitant as he brought his fingers to his mouth. He pressed on his throat, but the first attempt was a frustrating failure. The unpleasant sensation of touching that area made him instinctively recoil, his muscles tightening in vain.
Next to him, Jeonghan cried silently, his tears rolling down his cheeks without him trying to wipe them away. In his hand, his phone trembled, the emergency number ready to dial at the slightest sign that Seungcheol was slipping further.
“Try again, please." he whispered, almost inaudible.
Seungcheol obeyed, gathering the little strength he had left. He plunged his fingers back into his mouth, this time more firmly, pressing on his throat until a violent gag shook him. His body bent with the effort, and finally, a bitter mixture of alcohol and pills surged up, burning his throat and forcing tears of pain from his eyes.
Jeonghan let out a cry, a mixture of relief and pure emotion, as he rushed to support his friend. He positioned himself behind him, his hands gliding over his back in gentle reassuring circles.
“That’s it, Cheol. Keep going… It’s almost over…”
He stayed there, holding him firmly, as Seungcheol emptied himself, his body trembling from the effort and exhaustion. When finally the leader seemed drained, breath short and ragged, Jeonghan tightened his embrace, pressing his forehead against the back of his shoulders.
“You scared me so much…” he murmured, his arms wrapping around Seungcheol’s torso. He closed his eyes, trying to contain the torrent of emotions that overwhelmed him.
Seungcheol, physically and emotionally drained, let his head fall back, resting against Jeonghan. His hoarse voice cut through the silence.
“I’m sorry, Han… I’m so sorry…”
“Why did you do that?! Why did you do that?!” Jeonghan sobbed, his voice broken, echoing through the bathroom. His arms wrapped around Seungcheol with a force almost painful, as though he feared he would disappear if he let go.
They both cried. Seungcheol, emptied, finally expelled everything left in his stomach. When his body stopped convulsing, he slid down the tiled wall, Jeonghan following the motion without ever releasing his hold.
Seungcheol rested his forehead against his friend’s chest, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. His arms hung limply at his sides, too weak to respond to Jeonghan’s desperate affection.
Jeonghan, meanwhile, gently enclosed Seungcheol’s head in his arms, his fingers absentmindedly stroking his damp hair. His gaze, however, seemed lost, fixed on an invisible point on the wall in front of them.
“Why?”
•••
A good hour had passed. Seungcheol, standing in front of the bathroom mirror, brushed his teeth slowly, while Jeonghan watched him silently. The younger one had still contacted the emergency services to ensure the proper course of action. They had advised him to stay attentive to his condition. So, his eyes never left his leader’s figure, as though he feared he might disappear right before him.
The memory of that night was still etched in his mind: Seungcheol’s weakened body, his desperate sobs, the bitter taste of fear still tightening his throat.
When Seungcheol finished, Jeonghan gently approached, placing a hesitant hand on his wrist to pull him closer. The leader slowly turned around, his gaze avoiding his, unable to meet Jeonghan’s eyes.
“Answer me, Cheol… Please. Why?” Jeonghan pleaded, his voice barely a whisper.
Seungcheol swallowed hard, the words stuck in his throat. The only thing he managed to say was a weak, “I’m sorry.”
But that answer wasn’t enough. It couldn’t be enough.
Jeonghan’s eyes filled with tears once again, but this time, it was anger and confusion that took over. He clenched his fists, trying to control the trembling of his voice.
“I was terrified because of you, and all you can say is that you’re sorry?! Seungcheol, you tried to kill yourself!”
His tone was harsher than he intended, but he couldn’t contain it. The fear, the anxiety, and the love he had for his friend exploded in his words.
“Why?!” he continued, his voice full of reproach, but also deep distress. “Did you think about us? About your family? The fans?!”
Every word seemed to hit Seungcheol like a blow. He lowered his head, ashamed, unable to meet his friend’s burning gaze. Jeonghan ran a nervous hand through his hair, trying to calm the turmoil inside him.
“You… You have no right to do this, Cheol. Not after everything we’ve been through. Not after everything we’ve built together.” His voice choked on the last word, his shoulders shaking with an emotion he could no longer contain.
He paused for a moment, then approached Seungcheol more gently this time. He cupped his face in his hands, forcing him to look up.
“Talk to me, Cheol. Tell me what made you do this. You owe me that. To me, and to everyone who loves you.”
Seungcheol felt his tears rise, and this time, he didn’t try to hold them back. He slowly nodded, taking a shaky breath before whispering, “I was tired, Han… So tired… And I thought…”
He stopped, his throat tight, then continued in a weary voice, “I thought you’d be better off without me. That you’d all be better off without me.”
Jeonghan, devastated, stared at him with a mix of pain and disbelief. He shook his head, his hands still pressed against Seungcheol’s cheeks.
“How can you think that, Cheol? How can you believe that we could live without you? You’re our leader, our pillar… my pillar.”
His voice trembled, but he continued, determined to make him understand. “We need you, idiot. Not just for the music or the performances… but because you’re you.”
Seungcheol closed his eyes, tears silently falling, and this time, he didn’t try to push Jeonghan away. The angel gently embraced him, holding him close with infinite tenderness, as if he wanted to piece together his broken friend, piece by piece.
Silence settled for a moment, broken only by Seungcheol’s uneven breath. Finally, in a broken, trembling voice, he began to open up, his gaze still lowered, unable to face Jeonghan’s.
“I couldn’t…” he whispered. “The other night, during your performance, you were doing so well without me. It was… perfect. You were perfect. And I… I was a blemish among you all.”
He stopped, his jaw clenched, before continuing in a breath laden with despair.
“I’m useless and ugly, Han. I don’t even have the strength to take care of my health or attend all the concerts. I’m supposed to be the leader, but I… I’m a burden to you.”
Jeonghan froze at these words, unable to find what to say in that moment. He had never seen Seungcheol collapse like this, he who was always the one carrying others. The pain in his voice pierced his heart.
But it was the last sentence that shattered him.
“They were right… I don’t deserve to be here.”
“You read the comments, didn’t you?” asked the angel softly, but with a hint of firmness in his voice.
Seungcheol turned his gaze away, but Jeonghan insisted. “How many times have we told the group not to read the comments, Seungcheol?”
“I just wanted to see… I wanted to know what the Carats thought of my absence. But… it wasn’t them. It was the others, the haters… And they… they were right.”
Jeonghan felt his throat tighten as well. He wanted to shake Seungcheol, to make him understand how wrong he was, but he knew it wasn’t the moment to give in to his own emotions. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his voice before speaking.
“Those people don’t know anything, Seungcheol. Nothing. All they want to do is hurt. They don’t know you, they don’t know how hard you fight every day for us, for them. They don’t care. But we know. I know.”
His voice softened even more, taking on an almost pleading tone.
“I know you think you’re slowing us down, but that’s not true. Without you, we’d be lost. You’re our strength, Cheol. You’ve always been the one who watches over us, the one who keeps everything together, even when it seems impossible.”
Seungcheol finally looked up, his eyes red from tears, and met Jeonghan’s gaze. A wave of guilt and conflicting emotions washed over him.
“Han…” he whispered, but he couldn’t continue.
Seeing his hesitation, Jeonghan stepped closer.
“You are beautiful, Seungcheol. Inside and out. And you’re talented and, above all, indispensable to the group.”
Their eyes met, more intense than ever. For a moment, time seemed to stand still, and Jeonghan felt his heart tighten. He wanted to say everything, to confess it all. But he held back, knowing it wasn’t the right time.
Seungcheol looked away, shaking his head weakly. “You’re saying that just to comfort me… but I see it. I see how I’m not enough.”
Jeonghan couldn’t stand it and snapped. “Stop! Stop talking about yourself like that.” He took a deep breath before almost reluctantly murmuring, “You’re too important to me… I won’t let you collapse like this. Not now, not ever. So if you refuse to fight for yourself, fight for me. Please, Cheol.”
These last words made Seungcheol tremble. Jeonghan’s words were sincere, almost desperate, and they resonated deeply within him. The leader hated seeing his friend like this, and something clicked in his mind.
“I’ll fight, Han, I promise. I was drunk… it amplified everything I was feeling. I should have never done that.” His voice broke slightly before he continued, more softly. “Baby, I’m really sorry.”
The word echoed between them. Jeonghan felt his breath catch for a moment. That nickname, spoken with such sincerity, broke the barrier they had both maintained for so long.
He stepped forward, closing the space between them, their foreheads almost touching. “Promise me, Cheol. Promise me it won’t ever happen again. Suicide is not an answer. You mean so much to us. To me.” His voice trembled, letting a fraction of the worry he had carried all evening slip out.
Jeonghan placed a hand on Seungcheol’s cheek, his thumb gently caressing the warm skin of the older man. The contact seemed to soothe him, and his shoulders relaxed a little.
Seungcheol closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself to be engulfed by the warmth and reassurance of the gesture. When he opened them again, his gaze was clearer despite the evident fatigue. A faint smile tugged at his lips.
“I promise, Han. I’ll never do that again.” He swallowed hard before whispering, “I can’t imagine my life without you. These five days… they were unbearable. I felt like a part of me was missing.”
“You have no idea how it made me feel.” Jeonghan replied softly, his voice barely audible. “When you did that tonight… I thought I was going to lose you, Cheol. I couldn’t live without you. Just the thought of waking up tomorrow with your message and seeing that I was too late… I can’t even imagine it…” His voice broke, and he put a hand to his mouth, overwhelmed by a sob.
“Han…” Seungcheol started, but stopped, the words stuck in his throat. He let his gestures speak for him, gently pulling Jeonghan toward him until their foreheads touched. Their breaths mingled in this suspended moment.
Jeonghan closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the closeness. His hand rested on Seungcheol’s chest, just above his heart.
“You mean everything to me, Cheol. More than you think.” he finally confessed in a breath.
Seungcheol didn’t respond immediately. He simply linked their hands together.
“And you, you’re everything to me.”
Jeonghan waited, his heart pounding, his eyes shifting from Seungcheol’s piercing gaze to his hesitant mouth, as if trying to read the truth on his lips that he couldn’t fully express.
Seungcheol, troubled, continued in a weak but sincere voice, “I missed you… but not like others. With you, it was different. The distance, those five days, made me understand things. I don’t know if it’s your c—”
He didn’t have time to finish. Jeonghan, unable to wait any longer, let his heart guide him. His body almost instinctively leaned forward, and he placed his lips on Seungcheol’s, cutting off all hesitation.
The kiss was soft, hesitant at first. But quickly, Seungcheol responded, his lips moving slowly against Jeonghan’s, as if he had been waiting for this moment forever. His hand tightened around Jeonghan’s, their fingers intertwining naturally, making the moment even stronger.
When their lips parted after a few seconds, Jeonghan kept his forehead pressed against Seungcheol’s. He could feel his warm breath on his skin, sending shivers down his spine.
A crystal-clear laugh, almost liberating, escaped from Jeonghan’s lips, softly echoing in the room.
“I think I can’t be more explicit about how I feel about you.” he joked gently, his eyes sparkling with sincere tenderness mixed with a hint of mischief.
Seungcheol responded to his words with a barely concealed smile before leaning in to place another kiss on his laughing lips.
“I love you so much.” Seungcheol whispered against his lips between each kiss.
Jeonghan stopped him for a moment to look at the older man, his expression tinged with an unreadable emotion before replying with equal gentleness, “I love you too.”
At these words, Seungcheol tightened his hold on him, slipping his hands around his waist. In a gesture swept by a wave of love and amusement, he tilted him backward, their lips still locked. Jeonghan let out a small cry of surprise against his mouth, which turned into a nervous laugh when he felt Seungcheol’s firm grip holding him.
“Yah! Be careful.” he laughed, lightly tapping Seungcheol’s shoulder.
Their laughter gradually faded, and Jeonghan let out a huge yawn, reminding them that it was almost 4 in the morning.
“We should go to bed. I can already feel a headache coming on.”
Without waiting for a response, he intertwined his fingers with Seungcheol’s once more and gently led him out of the room. They walked in silence, their hands never letting go until they reached Seungcheol’s room. There, Jeonghan stopped, his fingers slowly slipping away from his.
“Goodnight.” he murmured, a calming smile lighting up his face as he took a step back, ready to return to his own dorm.
Seungcheol, however, furrowed his brow slightly, a plaintive look crossing his face.
“Where are you going? Stay and sleep here." he protested, grabbing his hand again, this time more insistently, trying to pull him into his room.
Jeonghan raised an eyebrow, amused by his older boyfriend’s eagerness. “I never sleep with someone on the first date." he said teasingly.
“I’ve had better first dates.” Seungcheol let out a short laugh, tinged with irony, his eyes searching Jeonghan’s to share a moment of complicity. Yet, the spark in his new boyfriend’s eyes suddenly dimmed. A shadow of sadness darkened his delicate features.
“Me too… I’ve had better." Jeonghan murmured, his gaze dropping as though he was trying to find the right words for his thoughts. He lifted his gaze again, meeting Seungcheol’s. “But you know, life is never simple. Nothing goes as planned. It throws unexpected things at us that we have to face. And as long as we’re together… nothing can stop us, right?”
There was a vulnerability in his voice, a mix of strength and fragility that brought a smile to Seungcheol’s lips. He stepped closer, his intense gaze locked on Jeonghan’s.
“You would have made a great leader, Han.” he whispered, his tone softened by an affection he no longer bothered to hide.
“No. There’s no one better than Choi Seungcheol.”
Before Jeonghan could say anything else, Seungcheol closed the final gap between them, pressing Jeonghan against the door with a sudden movement. The impact made the wood behind them shake, pulling a soft moan from Jeonghan.
The kiss was intense, almost desperate, their bodies pressed against each other in an overwhelming heat. Jeonghan’s fingers gripped Seungcheol’s shoulders, seeking balance as he let himself be swept away by the passion of the moment.
When their lips parted, just enough to catch their breath, Jeonghan gasped softly, his face flushed from the intensity of the kiss.
“Still as impulsive.” he whispered, his tone teasing.
“And you, still as provocative." Seungcheol replied, his voice husky. He leaned in again, placing a gentler, almost soothing kiss on Jeonghan’s already swollen lips.
“And now, you’re going to tell me you don’t have sex with someone on the first night.” he added, his lips barely leaving Jeonghan’s.
A smile spread across Jeonghan’s lips, his eyes sparkling with desire. “Maybe. It depends on the person." he murmured in a seductive tone, before nibbling on Seungcheol’s lower lip, causing the latter to sigh.
He slid his fingers into Seungcheol’s neck, tugging gently on his hair to pull him even closer. “But you know what…” he continued in a sensual voice, his warm breath against Seungcheol’s lips. “The proposition sounds… pretty tempting. Plus, I’ve been asked to keep an eye on you.”
That was enough to ignite an even fiercer flame in Seungcheol. A growl escaped him as he pulled Jeonghan tighter against him. His kiss this time was wilder, more demanding, his lips claiming Jeonghan’s as though he could no longer wait another second.
Jeonghan responded with equal intensity, his hands sliding from Seungcheol’s neck to his muscular shoulders, clutching his t-shirt as though he wanted to rip it apart.
Seungcheol, swept up in the moment, pushed the door to the bedroom open, never breaking the heated contact between their lips.
As the door slammed behind them once inside the room, Seungcheol whispered sensually in Jeonghan’s ear, his voice deep and vibrating. “Are you sure you can handle what you just started?”
Jeonghan flashed a smile, his fingers tracing burning lines across Seungcheol’s chest, his lips brushing his neck. “Why not check?” he whispered before capturing Seungcheol’s lips in a kiss even more passionate.
No one would ever know exactly what happened behind that door, but the muffled whispers, the breathless gasps, and the dull sounds of uncontrollable passion were enough to let the imagination wander. What had ignited between them, burning and inevitable, would remain a secret engraved within those four walls, known only to the two of them…
The end.