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37 hours.
That was how many hours Sanji had spent awake.
He could feel the tiredness in his bones, his hands shaking from the coffee and cigarettes mixed in that were the only thing currently keeping him standing.
Plus the thoughts.
Fuck how he hated those thoughts.
It was hard, so fucking hard. Sometimes all Sanji wanted was to use a knife and cut open his skull, rip his own brain out of his head so the thoughts would go quiet.
So he could finally close his eyes without tall figures and cold hands, too cold to be human, pressing against his skin.
So he wouldn't feel scared of the darkness he saw when he closed his damn eyes.
But he couldn't. Logically he knew that if he even tried to cut open his skull, he might kill himself. And he couldn't afford that. Not when his crew needed him.
He had seen for himself that Luffy couldn't be near a damn kitchen, Usopp and Nami-swan were decent cooks (everything Nami-swan cooked was perfect in Sanji's eyes, but not for the rest of the crew), and even that stupid moss for a brain was capable of preparing rice and onigiri.
But they didn't know how to have a proper eating routine for the needs of each of them.
Luffy needed too many carbohydrates, his devil fruit made him burn them too easily.
The moss needed to gain more muscle and strength, a high protein diet.
Nami preferred a more balanced diet, which would allow her to stay strong but with the body she felt comfortable with.
Usopp still wanted to gain muscle mass, his diet was similar to the moss', but with less alcohol and protein. He preferred to add more vegetables to the sniper's meals.
And none of them could keep track of food like Sanji.
Sanji knew exactly how much food there was, how much was spent each day on each meal, when he would have to replenish the Merry.
How to keep the food well cared for, pests out of it, and count the number of grams of anything used, the minimum amount of calories that could keep a person alive in case they were stranded without food.
He had his notebook.
His notes.
Everything.
He couldn't just give up his life and leave it all in someone else's hands. Of someone who would be incapable of taking good care of his crew, of keeping Luffy's hunger at bay, of giving Nami and sometimes Usopp desserts, of restraining the marimo from drinking all the alcohol they had.
And Sanji was also the one who somehow had the most medical knowledge in his small crew of 5 members, with Nami behind him.
He hated to admit it. But he had to be... thankful for that.
After all, he had been the one who kept the moss-head alive after Hawk-Eyes had almost split him in half on the deck of the Baratie.
He sighed softly and sat at the kitchen table, with the cigarette between two fingers and his lower lip trapped between his teeth, pulling the soft skin covering his lips until it was torn off.
In front of him was what seemed to be his fourth cup of black coffee of the day. And it was only 10 AM according to the position of the sun. He could hear Nami working in her room downstairs, the sounds of pen scraping against paper standing out amongst the absolute silence of the ship.
He was surprised that was the case, though after all, Luffy and Usopp had somehow fallen asleep on the deck of the Going Merry after practically running around all morning while playing hide and seek alongside a reluctant Marimo.
And speaking of Moss with Patas.
Sanji frowned hard when he saw him enter the kitchen, probably in search of a drink of sake or whatever he could find in the cupboard first, the blond quickly drank the last of his coffee, grimacing when he noticed it had somehow gone cold.
He had probably been sitting longer than he thought.
"What are you doing here, idiot?"
He asked Moss, taking his cup and walking over to the sink to begin washing away what had accumulated after breakfast.
He had had time in the morning (considering he hadn't tried to sleep last night either) and had decided to make pancakes with various sauces and different toppings to suit each of his crewmates' tastes.
With bacon for Luffy, a tangerine and mint sauce for Nami-swan, some chocolate and raspberry for Usopp and a protein sauce for the Marimo.
It had been a total success, but it had left him with a large pile of dishes to wash, considering he had spent most of breakfast, if not all of it, making sure Luffy wouldn't be left without plates or pancakes to prevent him from ending up stealing them from someone else and causing a fight in his kitchen.
"Sake"
Was the response from the Marimo, who walked heavily to the shelf where Sanji secured the drinks.
The blond frowned again, rolling his eyes in disgust as he watched the green idiot approach his alcohol reserves, slamming the water off the faucet and wiping his hands, raising his leg and hitting the back of the green Marimo's head, though not too hard.
"WHAT THE FUCK PERVERT COOK!?"
The Marimo screamed, standing up with his eyebrows furrowed and his teeth bared like a damn dog.
Considering the strength of the scream, the idiot had probably woken Luffy and Usopp and distracted the beautiful Nami-swan from her maps.
"You're not drinking anything, idiot."
He muttered, his cigarette moving between his lips with each word spoken. He bit the end of the death stick, as the old man used to call them, and felt the taste of nicotine explode in his mouth almost immediately.
He watched as an angry vein formed on the swordsman's stupidly giant forehead and rolled his eyes once more (he seemed to do that a lot when he was around the brainless marimo), looking away as he prepared for the impending fight.
"You're not the one who decides when I drink or not," furrowed his eyebrows.
The Marimo sneered back, his angry sneer turning into a mocking laugh.
"And who is it then? Last time I checked, I was the one in charge of the kitchen, INCLUDING THE ALCOHOL."
Sanji claimed, leaning closer to the point where they were almost forehead to forehead, the Marimo having already pulled out one of his swords and Sanji having one leg half raised in the air.
They were both about to strike first when the door opened once more, hitting the wood of the Merry's kitchen door, revealing a very angry Nami, with a vein of annoyance on her forehead and a dangerous smile.
"Nami-swan!"
Sanji shrieked, moving away from the marimo and moving quickly to the girl, who simply blinked, even more annoyed if that was possible.
To his surprise, between his quick movements, a strong headache made itself present, almost making him stumble, luckily he managed to hide it at the last minute and pretended that he was leaning closer to Nami.
"Do you want me to prepare something for you? Maybe a dessert or something to drink"
He began to offer her, clasping his hands in front of his chest as he smiled at the orange haired girl.
He could feel Zoro growl from behind, muttering something about the stupid, idiotic, love-struck cook.
He decided to ignore it in favor of continuing to focus on Nami, secretly taking deep breaths to calm his headache.
"I'd rather you guys just keep the fuck quiet and let me work," Nami muttered angrily, her hand still gripping the Merry's door handle too tightly. Sanji blinked in surprise before quickly nodding vigorously, smiling even more at the girl.
"Of course Nami-swan, everything for you," he said, smiling and turning to look at the moss. "Did you hear that? You have to leave the kitchen now."
He ordered Zoro, smiling as if he had just won the fight.
Sadly, nothing was easy when it came to the Straw Hat crew.
Out of nowhere, the three heard Usopp's scream, telling Luffy to stop before Sanji turned to Nami just in time to see a flurry of red and straw flying straight at the kitchen door.
He opened his mouth in surprise, catching Nami's attention, who turned around as well. But neither of them were quick enough to get out of the way before Luffy collided with Nami and Sanji's body, and soon after with Zoro's, sending all four of them crashing into the back wall of the Merry's kitchen.
"Guys!"
Usopp came screaming, hands raised as he took in the scene.
Sanji cursed under his breath, holding his head.
Now the damn pain had gotten even worse, he blinked hard to remove the black spots and dots that suddenly appeared in his vision, massaging the area on his forehead right between his eyes.
"WHAT THE HELL LUFFY!"
Nami shrieked, pushing away from the pile of bodies still lying on the kitchen floor and kicking hard at her captain's elastic body.
Luffy squealed back at the blow he received, flying a few meters away from them and heading towards the exit.
"I'm sorry! I wanted to know what was Going on!"
Was what his stupid captain said. Sanji frowned and tried to stand up and get away from the marimo, only just noticing that he was somehow still half leaning against him.
"For fuck's sake"
He muttered loudly, covering his eyes with one hand as he took a deep breath.
Somehow, the mild headache he had been feeling for the past 15 hours had turned into a full blown migraine in less than 10 minutes.
And all because of that stupid Marimo and the idiot he must have called captain.
"Sanji?"
He suddenly heard someone calling his name and forced himself to open his eyes, seeing Usopp kneeling near him.
"You good? Did you hit your head or something like that?"
The younger boy asked, looking genuinely worried. Sanji quickly shook his head, pretending to be fine and that the movement definitely hadn't caused his vision to blur and the damn black spots to appear once again.
"I'm fine, don't worry"
He replied, forcing himself to stand up, even if he had to lean on the wall behind him to keep from collapsing on himself and falling to the ground once more.
Unfortunately that meant Usopp's concern increased even more and Nami-swan became alert as well.
"You sure? You don't really seem well to me.."
Usopp insisted, approaching him to help him stay upright.
"I'm fine, really, I just didn't sleep well last night"
He lied, struggling to keep the worried eyes and furrowed brows off his nakamas' faces.
It wasn't a lie, he had tried to sleep. For about 10 minutes and on the kitchen couch. But he had tried.
"You didn't even go to bed last night, love cook" Zoro interrupted, frowning as he held Luffy by the collar of his shirt, as if he were a giant cat "And neither the night before that"
Damn shitty swordsman.
Sanji was going to fucking throw him overboard when he got the chance.
He felt his eye twitch, thinking of how to continue his lie.
"Have you been sleeping Sanji-kun?"
Nami-swan asked, suddenly looking way too worried. That somehow warmed Sanji's heart, even if something in his brain, too quiet for him to recognize where it came from exactly, told him that he didn't deserve that concern.
"Of course Nami-swan"
He lied once more, feeling cornered. He had promised not to lie to a woman. But he didn't want to worry her unnecessarily either. It wasn't the first time Sanji had gone several days without sleep. Nor would it be the last. This shouldn't be a problem for the crew.
After all, he could continue cooking.
"Stop lying idiot"
Shit.
Somehow Nami-swan had been able to see through his charade. He gulped as he glared, beginning to walk away from his nakamas to try to get back to the kitchen and continue washing the dishes.
That might convince them that he was okay. And he couldn't start cooking yet. It was too early and that would raise more suspicions.
Sanji didn't cook without first planning it out in his recipe notebook.
"I'm not lying"
He tried to insist, even if at this point he sounded more desperate than anything else. To his surprise, the 4 of them followed him every step he took, Nami with her arms crossed, Usopp with a worried grimace, Zoro weary but still carrying his captain, holding his arms tightly so he wouldn't try to reach anything in the kitchen.
"You sure are, You think we're stupid or something?"
Nami asked, those simple words causing Sanji to stop and turn around to face her.
"Obviously not, I would never think that about you Nami-swan, tough the guys...."
He answered, raising both hands.
By this point he couldn't deny that he was exhausted.
And he doubted that it wasn't showing on his face. But he preferred to keep up the lie for as long as he could and thus avoid both sleeping and worrying his nakamas.
Although he had probably already failed in the latter.
"Sanji, you have more dark circles than eyes."
Usopp intervened, half-hiding behind Zoro as if he was afraid the blond would retaliate to his comment. Sanji rolled his eyes, even as it made his headache worse, and shoved his hands into his pockets, suddenly aware of how much they were shaking from lack of sleep.
"I'm fine."
He insisted, his voice a little harsher than it seemed to really surprise the rest.
"Sanji, It's clear you haven't slept well, you can't just exhaust yourself like that."
Nami told him, raising a hand as if it was a wild animal she was dealing with.
A wild animal, terrified and defensive.
Sanji was technically that. No?
"Just let us help, we're you're nakamas, You can trust us."
God, Sanji hated him.
Now they were treating him like a child. And Sanji had stopped being a child long before any of them.
He couldn't help but grimace in disgust, taking another cigarette out of his pack and looking for his lighter to use, suddenly needing more nicotine in his system.
"Don't treat me like that"
He said, staring at a fixed point in the kitchen. Not that he was trying to get away from the conversation (he was) But he probably had to start lunch, he doesn't know how much time has passed.
"Like what?"
Usopp asked, luckily Luffy and the Marimo were being smart enough not to butt into the conversation, though Luffy seemed to be trying to think of something.
Trying too hard maybe.
"Like i'm a child in need, i'm not"
He replied, turning around and walking over to the kitchen counter, grabbing a wooden board and a knife, determined to actually start preparing lunch, if that would help him escape this conversation faster.
"We don't think you're a chile in need, but you're clearly exhausted and You really need to sleep before collapsing"
Usopp tried to reason, somehow deciding to come out of his hiding place and signal Zoro to stay fucking quiet when he saw him open his mouth to even utter a sound.
"I'm not exhausted, I could stay awake for another 40 hours and I will"
Sanji claimed, not noticing how the faces of his three nakamas fell, their captain still too busy thinking about something.
"You've been awake for 40 hours!?"
The three of them suddenly shouted, almost scaring him (if anyone asked, he didn't get scared, it was a muscle spasm)
He heard the heavy footsteps of Nami's heels approaching him and suddenly two arms forced him to turn around, face to face with the shorter woman.
"You're so, so stupid I could kill You myself"
Nami said, with a deep twitch in her eye that meant she was really angry.
Fuck.
Sanji had screwed up. Right?
Even Usopp looked angry at him, but not like he was really angry, more like he was trying to look like he was, but his eyebrows and eyes showed that he was more worried than angry. Zoro thought he had the right to look exhausted from dealing with all this. As if the idiot slept more than Sanji.
"Sorry?"
It was the only thing he could manage to say, looking back at Nami.
"Black foot Sanji, I promise you I will fucking use Zoro to carry you if you don't go to your hammock right now and try to sleep"
The orange haired girl ordered, holding his arms tightly and squeezing, as if she wanted to cut off the circulation in his arms.
Sanji gulped at the girl's words. He knew she would definitely do that, probably threatening the Marimo with increasing his debt for life.
He looked up briefly to look at the Marimo, feeling panic seep into his body when he made out his green hair and angry, too angry eyes.
The muscular arms crossed in front of his chest, a shit-eating grin on his face.
He briefly choked on his breath and took a step back, suddenly sure that he Marimo had been exchanged for... One of them.
That change didn't go unnoticed by Nami, who gasped in surprise at that reaction, turning to look at Zoro and then at Sanji, repeating the action a few times.
Sanji groaned under his breath.
Nami was too perceptive for her own good and now she definitely knew it.
Or as much as she could know. After all, Sanji hadn't said a word about them. Not to his nakamas or Zeff, much less to anyone else.
"My cabin, now"
Nami ordered, surprising everyone.
"What?"
Sanji asked confused, while Usopp locked eyes with Zoro, both with the same frown of surprise covering their faces.
"If you're not going to sleep in your hammock, you will sleep in my bed, were I able to watch you"
Nami explained, frowning before grabbing his arm and practically starting to drag him along, much to the surprise of both Sanji and everyone else.
"Wait, wait, I can't go into your cabin Nami-swan!"
Sanji squealed, embarrassed.
While the others probably thought it was his dream to go in there (not that he didn't want to, but he knew that was disrespectful to Nami), it wasn't necessary for her to do this, even less for him.
Sanji was perfectly capable of sleeping in his own hammock, thank you very much.
"You can and You Will, And so will all of you, we will have a sleepover"
Nami ordered, with that tone of voice that couldn't allow anything else, so everyone (even the Marimo) began to move, collecting different things.
"But it's still daylight" Sanji tried to tell them, touched that they did all that for him, but they shouldn't bother, those were Sanji's problems.
"It doesn't matter, it will be a morning sleepover"
Usopp smiled, walking right next to her while Nami continued dragging him. Sanji tried to stop the redheaded girl once again, getting her to stop and turn to look at him.
"Nami-swan, I'm touched and all, but it's not necessary, you should focus on more important things"
He tried to explain, smiling apologetically before he received a hit to the head and two resigned sighs.
He blinked in surprise as he turned to look at the marimo, surprised to notice that he had been the one who hit him on the back of the head. He frowned, ready to start a new fight if it weren't for Nami grabbing his hand again.
"Stop being stupid, we want to do this Sanji" Nami insisted again, starting to drag him once more, now with help from Usopp.
Luffy was somewhere behind him and he barely heard the sound of their laughter as they entered Nami's cabin before something hit his back hard and sent him to the ground in a pile of rubber limbs.
"Fuck Luffy"
She muttered softly, her face planted on the ground as she listened to Usopp and Zoro laugh. Nami let out a resigned sigh and began to pull out several blankets from her closet, humming to herself.
It wasn't long after they arrived that Sanji felt himself being pushed into what seemed to be a cave made of pillows, large enough to allow everyone to fit comfortably.
To his surprise, Sanji was placed in the middle, with Luffy clinging to one of his sides and his straw hat on the pillow above Sanji's head, while Usopp and Nami were on the other side.
The Marimo had remained a little further away, although still next to its captain, as always acting as the protector of his small crew.
Sanji couldn't help but have his eyes water at the gesture of his nakamas. He bit his lip hard to keep from letting out his tears and tried to pretend that everything was fine.
"Sometimes Sanji thinks too much and becomes stupid," Luffy commented amidst the silence that had taken over the room. Sanji gulped at his words and stared at the red roof that covered one of Nami's blankets. "But Sanji must learn that he deserves to be taken care of too."
His captain finished, lowering his straw hat so that it rested on Sanji's face, allowing him to hide his teary eyes.
"They're idiots," Sanji muttered under his breath, his voice cracking. Still, a soft smile escaped his face and he couldn't help but start laughing, feeling the others doing the same. Even Zoro had moved a little closer, and that warmed Sanji's heart even more.
He definitely could and would sleep here, surrounded by his small, dysfunctional family, for whom he would give his life.
And now he knew that they too would give their lives for him. Even if it would take him time to understand it.