Chapter Text
This is gonna be fcuking awful.
Black. All important crack fan fictions start with the image of a black screen. And music. But fuck you NO MUSIC! Mama Coco would be very disappointed to know you were listening to music. NO MUSIC!
An automatic record player lifts up a vinyl record. It has the words “a Netflix series” written on the bottom. As soon as it starts playing, everything fades to black. We’ll never know what it was going to play now. Never ever in a million years.
Logos. Really long and dramatic logos. Like the vinyl that said “a Netflix series.” Riot games paid a lot of money so that Netflix wouldn’t cancel this series.
DC. The house that Batman built.
(Thunderclap)
Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I’m your kryptonite.
(Finally, the logo for RatPac-Dune Entertainment finishes the roster)
Batman: Hmm. Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. Okay. Get yourself ready for some... reading.
(a quote appears...)
"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Hooo."
(A guitar riff plays as the reference to the quote appears as Micheal Jackson.)
Who the FUCK is michael jakson? I said that shit CHANGE IT NOW.
(The riff repeats as the reference changes to Pigeon Person.)
A bomb goes off in the distance. There’s a child singing a comforting tune.
“Brrr, skibidi, dom-dom-dom, yes-yes Skibidi-dabudu, nib-nib”
She has her eyes covered, and she doesn’t know it yet but she’s an orphan. Her name is Powder, and she’s got blue hair and pronouns. Next to her is her sister Violet. She has pink hair and no pronouns, refer to Vi as Vi please. Vi is crying Vi’s eyes out, cuz Vi’s parents just died and Powder is fucking singing skibidi toilet. Stupidly loud too.
“Skibidi, dom-dom-dom, yes-yes, Skibidi-dabudu, nib-nib”
Bullets fly past from the incoming police. All the police are a little fat and wear green jumpsuits. Their hats cover their eyes, and their moustaches and big. Ok they’re all just the guy from subway surfers lowkey I won’t lie to you.
“Heah HEAhah HA!” They yell.
There’s some weird ass kid spray painting. They run past Vi and Pow to get him, but one of the police members gets left behind and beaten to a pulp by Vander, who looks like Hugh Jackman. I think they are identical twins.
Vi falls to Vi’s- okay I cant keep doing this I’m giving Vi pronouns. Vi falls to her knees, tears rolling down her face. Just in front of her are her parents, dead on the floor, and covered in blood. She’s screaming, but not as loud as Powder, who’s still singing, eyes closed.
“We ain't here to hurt nobody (skibidi, skibidi, skibidi)”
“POWDER WHY ARE YOU SINGING SKIBIDI TOILET!” Vi cries at Powder, “OUR PARENTS ARE DEAD!”
Powder stops for a moment, and begins singing a different song.
“They gon' rumble, they gon' take yo' face off”
Vander notices the two children and stares at them. One is singing the Rock’s verse in the hit song “face off” featuring the rock, and the other one is sobbing her eyes out. With his last hope and pity, he takes the two to his home, back in the underground. Undertale.
Just before they leave the bridge, Vi stares back at her parents. She is angry, and sad, but mostly angry. They paid for Disney+ and now she cant watch the final episode of bluey. They were also her parents and were very kind and lovely parents so maybe that too. She swears revenge on the police, one day she will eat them like French fries (foreshadowing). Powder is still singing. Her eyes were covered for the whole event, and she never found out that her parentals died.
“It's about drive, it's about power, we stay hungry, we devour. Put in the work, put in the hours and take what's ours (ahoo)”
Snap back to reality and in the super cool and awesome future and Vi and Powder got some epic ass new squad members. Mylo and Claggor. They look like just the typical villain sidekicks tbh, Mylo is the one that is tiny and dumb and Claggor is cool and smart.
“Powder, come take a look,” says Vi. They’re on top of a building now. They were climbing up while I was writing don’t ask.
The squad members all line up next to eachother. Powder oohs and ahs. This legit looks like a fortnite trailer. A blimb flies overhead. Powder is in even more shock and awe from this. She exclaims, “One day, I’m going to ride in one of those things.”
Mylo bounces off of her statement, “And one day, I’m gonna be a mass terrorist and blow one up. It’ll be cool like the uh fucking uh one blimp that blew up.”
“That wasn’t a terrorist attack dumbass,” snarks Clogged.
Vi pushes them both out of the way despite having a very clear path around the two. Google maps said just go through them I guess.
Kool Aid continues talking in a super nerdy stupid voice, “V-v-v-v-v-v-v-vi are you SURE???? About THIS????? I mean i-i-i—ii-i—i-i-i-i—i-i-i-i-i-i-i-if we get cuahgt-“
“shut the FREAK up cucumber.”
Clatter stops clattering.
They continue manuvering on the roof, Vi makes ASL motions that roughly translate to “Give orange me give eat orange me eat orange give me eat orange give me you.” She meant to say “alright everyone, follow me,” but she’s pretty shit as ASL. Her squad mates of course know this, as they are her pack, and she is the alpha wolf. They are also bad at ASL and assume she was dramatically insulting each and every one of them in very comedic ways, which was pretty close so I can’t say they were wrong. They follow her for uh idk plot reasons. I’m great at writing.
“Okay guys,” Vi uh idk fucking uhhhhhhhhhhhh speaks outloud toward the people behind her saying very dramatically (I didn’t want to say says), “watch and learrrrn”
Vi puts on the most DOPE sunglasses and proceeds to prove her knowledge in parkour. She has seen and studied every minute, every SECOND of parkour civilization. She truly is the parkour master. She also jumps an entire building. I think she got the steak.
Everyone else is like “What the fuck” except Mylo, who is very overconfident. He sadly has not studied ANY of parkour civilization and barely makes it to the pork. Compassionate does the jump PERFECTLY, almost exactly the same as Vi, meaning he really did watch and learn. Steak was snatched by Cadaverous, and he eats it in accomplishment, although he is still worried about the mission, so he tells everyone about his biggest hear me out.
“okay hear me out chat, Blue Grinch.”
Mylo looks at him as if he committed mass genocide, “What did you just fucking say?”
Vi ignores Cabaggy and Mylo’s shenanagains, looking toward her blue haired sister. Ji- I mean Powder, is absolutely horrified by the idea of even trying to make the parkour civilization jump.
(I can say this im gay) “Yo pronouns,” Vi shouts across the buildings, “hurry the FREAK up.”
“ok” responds Powder.
She takes a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. Finally, she proceeds to do the WORST FUCKING JUMP OF THEM ALL. She almost fucking DIES in the void because of her ABSOLUTELY DOG WATER JUMP. Bitch is a fucking FAILURE. It’s okay tho bc Vi catches her. Sisterly bonds!!! Powder still don’t get NO FUCKING STEAK.
They continue stealthily to their destination. Cabbage is still being a massive fucking pussy.
“Ok but like what if-“
Vi cuts him off, “If you continue that sentence I’m gonna tell you to shut more than just the freak up.”
“Vander is going to SLAUGHTER us. We are going to be SLAYED.”
“I dooooooonnnnnnnn’t caaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeeeeee.”
“IT’S SO DANGEROUS”
“COCA GOD DAMN COLA.”
Curry is very clearly hurt and scared by his full name being brought out, “OKAY! OKAY… didn’t need to bring out the full name.”
“yeah see. BESIDES- we’re fine as long as we don’t freak up. So don’t freak up.”
Freaky.
They jump into the room they were looking for. Medic TF2’s office, better known as the Viktor Nation. This is the only place that of which Viktor has supposedly claimed to be part of his nation. Jayce? Jaybe, or jaybe not.
The door is locked, and Mylo is very frustrated. Nobody locks the balcony. Nobody. That’s fucked man, they just wanna rob you.
He tries to pocket the pick the lock or something, I think that’s from Fallout or something. But of course, Fortnite is better, so Vi breaks the door with her Fortnite pickaxe. Fortnite. Mylo swears at them for destroying his art of picking locks, he went to college for this shit.
Get it. Milo goes to college. Haha. Ok I’ll stop-
The Viktor Nation is filled with a bunch of books and fancy gadgets, such as nose hair clippers. They bag everything they think is worth it. Like everything. Except Powder she only bags a horse and a music box. There’s also some weird triangle thing- they leave it there because nobody knows what it does. Secretly it’s my secret triangle, but you didn’t get that from me.
Powder goes into a room away from the rest of the gang. There’s Heavy TF2’s sandwiches there, and so she eats them. Rude ass bitch. She also snags the infinity stones while she’s there. Can’t be too cautious.
Of course, some bitch is knocking at the door, apparently its Jayce but I lowkey didn’t remember enough of the first episode to think it was Jayce rip uh it’s Jayce trust. He’s the president of Viktor Nation.
“fuck uh CLIPPERS!”
“ON IT.”
Cock, using his magical key, locks the door. They all start running outside, but Vi stays behind to collect their treasure.
“YO BLUE BLUR! WE GONNA LEAVE NOW THERES MCDONALDS!!!” This is a common ruse to get Powder’s attention. There is never any McDonalds.
Powder full force SPRINTS out the door, accidentally dropping one of the infinity stones which blows the entire place up. For plot reasons, however, everybody is fine and nobody is hurt. Oh, except for the floor, the floor isn’t fine, the floor is very much so hurt. Oh yeah and everyone knows that Viktor Nation was just robbed. Fucking oops.
“Shit.”
That was Vi btw. It’s her first time swearing.
Cue a fucking awesome chase scene between the Arcane Squad and the Police. They will not be having to collect none of their own reboot cards. The chase is close, they run onto train tracks and are now dodging trains- collecting coins along the way. The only way to escape is the sewers.
“GUYS I HAVE A PLAN!” Vi shouts
“WHAT?”
“LOOK!!!!”
She points at the sewer system, labeled very specifically “do not enter.”
“NO.” Mylo proclaims, “NO NO NO WE ARE NOT DOING THA-“
Vi pulls out a large metal staff and breaks his ankle. Mylo trips and falls directly into the sewage, and everyone closely follows. They are covered in poop now ☹
“I thought last time was the last time we were gonna-“
“Shut up dingle dwarf”
“Bro that is not my-“
“I SAID SHUT UP DINGLE GOSH DARN DWARF.”
“GUYS STOP ARGUING WHAT JUST HAPPENED”
“IT WASN’T ME.”
Everyone looks at whoever said “it wasn’t me” cuz it was obviously that person. Good luck telling who was who.
Vi tries to cheer up the party, “chat we are fucking awesome. We just like- robbed an entire country. We are awesome chat.”
“stop saying chat.”
“chat is this real.”
“chat ima KILL YOU”
They leave the stinky sewers and start heading home. But- Disney ass twist hold up! The police aren’t the only fuckers who’re the fortnite squad’s opps???? THERE’S ANOTHER GANG????
They walk past an old man.
He speaks, “Hmmm, hmmm. Hmm?”
The goober’s a little strange. He’s got green af eyes, a long squidward lookin nose, and a bald head. His brown robes go down to his ankles. More people who look exactly like him begin surrounding our fortnite goon squad.
Mylo steps up, “What the fuck are you?”
“Mmm, hm. Hmmm hmm hm. Hm.”
Of course, nobody on our squad got any clue what these fuck heads are saying, so Vi punches the main guy in the face. He turns red and gets REALLLL pissed, and so do his friends. They pull out their mats and start cranking 90s on their asses. Gang versus gang.
Powder, of course, being a 4 year old little douche bag, is a scared ass bitch and sees her friends getting beat, and her not friends being beat. She falls to the floor without anyone realizing despite the absolute loud as FUCK noise that she makes when she does it. Mylo throws the guy that was on him toward Powder. She gotta run now, and we following OUR MAIN CHARACTER. FUcK THE REST OF THEM.
And OHHH LORD she running. Usane Bolt type shit. She runs until she hits a dead end, completely surrounded by water, her greatest fear. I think… or… wait was that Sonic? Whatever, the opp that was chasing her was about to get her. She’s behind the only corner in the area, and his ass is approaching menacingly, he even calling out for her.
“MMMM! HMMM! HM!!!!!!”
I think that’s calling out idk what that translates to.
Eventually, he gives up his search and all is good, until this bitch ass named Powder (different person I swear) comes and knocks over a board before dashing out of sight. Now this bitch knows that OUR powder is RIGHT THERE. Good fucking going Powder 2.
In self defense and preparation, Derpow pulls out a boogie bomb- the most POWERFUL item in ALL OF FORTNITE! She turns the corner and throws it at Minecraft villager AND-
It don’t do nothing.
She fucked lowkey. Not even lowkey that’s highkey now. They both stand off before Powder decides to throw all the treasure off into the ocean cuz I mean what else is she gonna do. The Villager that was all pissed at her goes to the edge of the dead end to try to get it, making the perfect opportunity for Pow Pow the Der to escape.
Sadly she could not escape Mylo’s bitching. Oh yeah our heroes are fine and fucking killed the rest. No iron golem mis coming to get them don’t worry. When Powder finally finds the gang, she gets a god damn EARFUL from Mylo. Literally nobody else even cares its just him.
“WHAT THE FUCK”
“BRO IM SORRY I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO”
“EVERY GYATT DAMN TIME YOU COME ON A JOB YOU- YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“I???????? HUH???? I WHAT BITCH???? SAY IT”
“YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!”
“IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII???”
“YOU FUCKING JINX EVERYTHING!!!” he crying his eyes off or smth
Vi is like “mylo fuck OFF BRO”
“WOAH BRO WHAT”
Everyone is shocked that Vi finally said FUCK instead of FREAK. Clearly this is a serious moment so Mylo from College shuts up.
They play roblox elevators and finally arrive at the Undercity. They head to the bar to drink up their sorrows. True beer lovers. Two other men are talking at the bar.
“Yo thanks for the help on the victory royale bud.” That ones the strong one.
“Yeah no problem” This ones the smart one. There’s a lot of those around here.
The strong one passes the smart one some vbucks, but its barely a $10 vbuck gift card.
“Yo dawg?? What’s this???”
“Yeah my bad homie”
The strong one passes the smart one a used weed blunt.
“Dude. We agreed on a $20 fortnite card.”
“Yeah but you lowkey didn’t even carry my squad. You suck at fortnite. This is what I’m paying you now.”
“bitch that is NOT how that works. Do you even KNOW how-“
“dude just take it”
“NO???? THAT’S NOT WHAT WE AGREED ON????????”
The smart one spills the money all over the table. The strong one’s epic side kick saves the cash from hitting the floor.
“5 second rule.”
There’s a ear splitting silence before the bartender, aka MY FUCKING MAN VANDER!!!!!!!!! Comes around and to check on them.
“yo yall good or like”
“no”
“u sure-“
“PISS.”
Because this was an unusual response to the words “are you okay,” Vander leaves in confusion. Or at least that’s what he wants you to think cuz cous comes back with a chair. He wants all of the tea that’s about to spill.
The strong ones sidekick is all “yo I said PISS. LEAVE.”
This threat goes over his head.
“IMA STAB YOU FOOL”
Vander snaps back at this tho- hes all like “bitch I gave you these drinks I will TAKE THEM AWAY.”
Everyone else in the bar sees this shit and wants some tea as well. Vander takes the used blunt and smokes it. He just chill like that. A chill guy if you will. My New Character type shit.
“Soooo ur like vander right”
“nah im snoop dogg- yes im fucking vander”
“MY BAD”
“YEAH YOUR BAD.”
“so why you so old”
“and why u a fucking scammer. Never share your password with another gamer. Epic never asks for your password.”
“yo chat we ain’t scammers we were just… chatting.”
“oh sweet! I can chat.”
Vander chugs an entire thing of beer. He waits for the strong guy to chat. They all wait for this guy to leave, but he just a chill guy, he lowkey don’t give af.
The strong guy finally continues, very much so out of fear.
“uhhhhhhhh hmm okay uh yeah how much I owe you smart guy”
The smart guy just pissed himself. He pauses for a moment, and the strong guy coughs so that the smart guy snaps back to reality.
“A $20 fortnite card…”
The strong guy pulls out a $20 fortnite card and places it on the table. The chat is over- and just in time! Vander’s children are here!!! Our epic squad returns for another adventure. What wacky bizarre things could they get into? Jojo Siwa. Vander leaves the table he was sat at for tea.
The Squad sits down at a table hidden away in the bar. They apparently don’t want drinks wtf. Losers. Underage drinking is fire I would know. Okay I wouldn’t.
Vi starts the conversation, “Chat, Vander CANNOT know that we were out and about doing goofy shit.”
Mylo continues his bitching, “well thank fuck SOMEBODYYYYy got rid of all the evidence.”
The somebody continues her bitching back, “DUDE?? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO??? I get that you’re like a big strong muscley man but like I’M NOT. I CANT DO SHIT”
“SO FUCKING STARRRRT DOING SHIT MAN”
Vander walks in. Everyone is pissed af.
“Yall okie?”
Mylo goes like “yeah we okie”
Vander keeps talking “yeah okie. So uh whats the deal with the big boom in Tilted Towers? I heard there was a League of goobers going out and running from the popo.”
They’re a fucking squad not a league smh.
“What were you thinking?” Disappointed dad vibes ngl
Vi mutters, “we had it.”
“YOU BLEW UP A BUILDING.”
“ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN.”
“THAT WAS APART OF THE PLAN???”
“NO BUT-“
“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT COULD’VE HAPPENED TO YOU?? TO THEM???”
Vi seriously reconsiders her decisions when she realizes that there was other people in the room. Vander is even more disappointed (not mad) at them.
“Where’d you even get the job from man…”
Nobody speaks up.
Jk Powder does, “we just heard it at Bikini Bottoms…”
“FROM???”
“Shadow…”
Vander is notice-ably pissed that his baby-boo shadow the hedgehog would do such a thing, so he starts packing his bags. Vi stands up and her dreds fall off.
“LISTEN FOOL,” Vi yells at Va, “I TOOK THE LEAGUE THERE OKAY??? BE MAD AT ME NOT THEM, YOU SAID-“
“TO STAY OUT OF TILTED TOWERS. THAT. IS. A. HOT. DROP!”
“ALL THE BEST LOOT IS THERE THOUGH. ALL THE STEAK! THE PORK! THE FOOD HERE CAN’T FEED US ALL, AND THE PARKOUR IS STUPID COMPLEX. EXTRA HARD LEVEL.”
There’s some uh idk word that means silence but isn’t silence cuz I’ve used that work like 50 times already before Vi sighs, “When’d you get so comfortable dropping Junk Junction?”
Wow. That’s just insulting. Even Vander knows this, he kicks everyone out of the party to have a one-on-one talk with Vi on the voice chat. I need to stop making fortnite references.
“Hit the Gangnam style Vi.”
“What?”
“I said hit the Gangnam style.” Vander is dead serious.
Vi makes an attempt to do the Gangnam style but fails miserably. Vander is disappointed.
“Do the griddy Vi.”
“Why are you making me-“
“Do. The. Griddy.”
Vi does the griddy, although she trips like halfway through. She kinda sucks at dancing, hopefully she won’t have to slow dance with a woman in the near future.
“See, you can’t Griddy, you can’t Gangnam style, you can’t do shit. Do the default dance.”
Vi hits the fortnite default dance PERFECTLY. I take back what I said just 3 seconds ago she DESERVES a lady to dance with.
“No matter how many Vbucks you may have, you will always have the default dance. They look up to you, they expect the Griddy, but they won’t always get it. When they’re in the storm and you tell them to run, they’ll run. When you tell them to third party, they third party. When you need heals, they come with chug splashes for the whole squad. But when you’re down, and the whole squad gets whipped, that on you. They’ll do the griddy on you. It’s the same for me, I find the golden scarr, and they’ll send everyone on us immediately.”
“So?” Vi cries, “Why run from the opps? It’s our scarr, we should remind them of that.”
“BITCH! LISTEN! I JUST-“ Vander takes a deep breath in and out to calm himself, “The path you want? The fucking Minecraft story mode ahh decision? That ain’t gon get you nothin foo’. It just makes it… more fucky.”
There’s a noise coming from Vi. She is looking down at something, a bright light is shing on her face. That bitch is playing Subway Surfers.
“What the fuck are you doing.”
“I stopped paying attention half an hour ago, there’s a lack of subtitles, and zero family guy.”
“dawg it hasn’t even been a minute.”
The room goes quiet as Vi has succumbed to the subway surfers. She has stopped paying attention to whatever Vander was saying immediately after she finished what she had to say. Douche move tbh. Vander takes out some alcohol to drink his way out of this stupid af conversation. Shit wait that’s rubbing alcohol- DON’T DRINK RUBBING ALCOHOL. OR ALCOHOL. STAY IN SCHOOL KIDS (gatekeeping the drinks for myself)
As I was saying, Vander pours some slurp juice- FUCK I mean rubbing alcohol onto a rag to heal Vi’s goofy ahh damage from the encounter from the other squad. She’s very clearly in much pain from this, but this could also be from the lack of bitches she pulls.
“How’d you get ur shields cracked homie?”
Vi isn’t completely zoned out and she puts away the brainrot for now, “Some skibidi L rizzler tried to fanum tax us.” Wow I lied.
“Damn bro on our splatoon 2 octo expansion turf war turf? Who?”
“Good question, I didn’t get a name. I don’t think they speak English.”
“Hmmm,” Vander thinks, making a different noise from the gooners from earlier, “Where’s the stuff?”
“Ated it.”
“What?”
“M’bad teach.” Vi shakes her dreads- don’t ask she regrew them in the span of like 5 minutes okay
Vander shakes his head in disbelief. Kids these days, amiright?
“You’re gonna have to take a break from your edging streak man, shit’s not healthy. Stop going outside, and no more touching grass until we know you’re safe.”
“We’re going to be fine,” Vi sighs, “right?”
“I’ll take care of it.” Vander gets up from his seat and picks up a bag, putting other things inside of it. “You did teach that sweat a lesson, right?”
Vi smirks. Vander laughs to himself and leaves with the bag over his shoulder. On the other side of the door, Mylo is listening carefully. Well, not too carefully, cuz Vander opens the damn door on him with Mylo still close af to it. But of course, Mylo is small and weak, and Vander is big and strong, so Vander opens the door with no problem while Mylo tumbles to the floor like a Jenga tower. Clueless is sitting on the stairs nearby and watches the entire thing happen. Vander looks at the two, who appear to be completely unprepared for pretty much everything, and decides he wants to play some Fortnite.
“Yo, ready up foos’.”
Combustion goes like ughhh and then asks, “Now?”
Vander’s silence says yes for him. He grabs Mylo’s grey pistol and puts it in the bag. Mylo gets frustrated at this, “Yo that’s mine?”
“You want to be treated like pro gamers, right? Well then you gotta be better than what you did today! You came back with NADDA. NOTHING. Fucking losers…” He starts walking up the stairs, and Clobber follows closely, “We’re gonna go talk with Shadow, and YOU are gonna tell me EVERYTHINNGGGG”
They walk out into the alleyway and leave without managing to notice Powder who was digging through the trash can like the fucking raccoon she is. She finds grandma’s teeth and pockets them. In the same pocket, she remembers, was the infinity stones. She pulls one out and it talks to her like the fucking lord of the rings, “killlll half the universeeeee powderrrrrrrrrrrr”
This of course gives her the absolute fantastic idea that could not go wrong at all to use the infinity stones to build a bomb! There is NO WAY that could EVER do something that was unintended.
She heads down into the basement to start construction, and Mylo’s talking shit again. Powder listens closely near the door.
“Yeah we gotta ditch the young one.”
Vi’s in the room too, “What?”
“She doesn’t have any skins. Like zero. Is she broke or something? She should have an entire loadout, Godzilla, the Jays, the Among Us backbling-“
“Yo dawg why you shitting on our girl like that??”
“Name a time I am NOT hating dude.”
“You don’t gotta????”
“Well this time, it’s justified. We lost the tournament cuz she couldn’t find a fucking way out! Do you KNOW how much money we lost cuz of her?”
“Y’know what, you’re fucking right.”
“YES I’M RIGHT DAWG I’M ALWAYS RIGHT!”
Powder is absolutely DISTRAUGHT at this and leaves crying. After a comical amount of neither of them talking (they had to make sure that bitch wasn’t snooping) they keep talking.
“But yknow what powder CAN do?”
“What?”
“She don’t got a fucking mouth that just RUNSSSS like fucking water. Fucking waterfall ahh mouth.”
Vine boom
“And she don’t take loot from the guy that I killed.”
Wait omg VI ne boom!!! Haha
“okay,” Mylo shudders, his ego broken, “I see where-“
“AND SHE DON’T GO OUT SAYING ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU’ TO PEOPLE WITH THICK ACCENTS YOU FUCKING RACIST”
ANOTHER VINE BOOM
“OKAY” Mylo sniffles, “WE CAN STOP NOW PLEASE”
“Powder is MY problem BEEEETCH. YOUR problem is NEVER GOD DAMN KNOWING WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCKING FREAKIDY DOO DAH UP YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT ON THE ROAD THAT I FUCKING STEPPED ON.”
Mylo is just straight up sobbing on the couch lowkey.
“I’MA HELP YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEMS!” Vi continues, “YOU SEE MY FACE RIGHT NOW????”
Mylo nods.
“THIS FACE MEANS SHUT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK UP. OKAY?”
Mylo doesn’t make a motion to show that he understands, obviously meaning that he doesn’t. So Vi points at her face, and each time he flinches without nodding (which is about twelve times) she points even more aggressively. Eventually he regains consciousness and nods his head, and the conversation is over.
Meanwhile at Bikini Bottom, Vander and Clean finally make it at the Hot Topic. Clamshells is carrying the bag over his shoulder now. Vander stops at the door, takes the bag, and says very clearly to Clitoris, “Nobody goes in,” and then he goes in, completely defeating the point of even saying that to begin with.
Shadow the Hedgehog is at the counter, “We’re closed.”
“Well, open up.”
“Do you see Gerard Way around here bitch? GET FUCKING LOOOOOST”
“Oh alright, you don’t even sell burgers anyway.”
They look at each other with pissed faces, and then laugh it all off like nothing ever happened.
Shadow turns to the kitchen where Ekko is working, “Yo Ekko! Cook up a pizza for this fine man.”
“Yo okay!”
Ekko is a child by the way. This is illegal in the united states, why is he behind the grill????
“Actually nevermind, we don’t make pizzas either!” Shadow yells across the entire diner, “Me and this old af man gotta talk ALONE~”
“But-“
“YO I SAID ALONE!”
Ekko throws his Krusty Krab uniform (hat) (also hot topic uniform just like uh it’s the one that the kurst karb employees wear) (no relation to the krusty krab that’s 3 blocks down) onto the floor and stomps outside, Vander opening the door for him. Outside you can hear him greet Cloud, and Clay greets Ekko in return. Shadow and Vander continue their talk. Shadow lights a few candles and sexually closes the blinds.
“So~ You’re here early~”
“Yeah I’m not here for that chat”
“Oh.” Shadow disappointingly puts his clothes back on, and Vander empties the bag of random items onto the table. Shadow looks at the items with confusion, “Oh?”
“I’m assuming you heard?”
“Ah, that’s what that’s about. Yeah, too bad they got hit by those villagers, pesky little dudes can catch ANYBODY off guard,” Shadow looks at the things on the table, picking a few up and staring at them, “You know you can’t carry them forever.”
“Yeah, I know, I still think it’s stewpid of them to go out like that.”
“They’re just trying to write their own stories. Take them down to the mines sometime, I hear the children yearn for them nowadays.”
Shadow counts all of the items one by one. Vander sighs, “There’s worse things out there than the police, I’m afraid. We both know that.”
Outside, Coo and Ekko are talking.
“I was uh… hoping you’d be working today.”
Ekko’s eyes start to sparkle, “Didja go?”
“Of course we went- how’d you even find that place?”
Ekko cuts him off, “Did you fight the police????”
“What?? I mean yeah but-“
“Did Vi kick their asses?” Ekko smiles intently.
Cafeteria laughs awkwardly, “Wouldn’t be here without her.”
“Ooh oh! Vi showed a few moves of hers!”
Ekko hits the griddy. Campsite is unimpressed, “…oh you meant dancing?”
“No! Vi said this was her secret move!” He continues his griddy. It’s very akward if you couldn’t tell, but at least he can dance better than Vi.
“Soooo uh…” Chicken tries to go back on topic, “Where’d you find the place?”
“I don’t know, some weird guy wearing the face of another guy all over his body came in and bought a bunch of things that were only on display. Shadow tried to tell him, but he paid with diamonds! He couldn’t refuse, but he did charge him double,” he chuckles to himself, “sucker.”
“O-okay, how’d you find where he lives?”
“I stalked him, how else?”
“Oh uh, yeah.”
In the distance, Mario and Luigi are walking up. They looking for a fight, and maybe some Eyeliner at Hot Topic. Ekko pushes Civilization VI, “I’ll be fine man, go!” He runs without any questions, and Ekko greets the brothers when they walk by. They bust down the gothic door (it’s an old fashioned hot topic, yknow the good ones), and Mario removes his cap.
Shadow keeps it chill, “Buenas noches amigas!” (He speaks in spanish when he’s nervous).
They walk around Vander, and Mario takes a seat.
Shadow continues pissing, “¿Puedo ayudarte, perra y hijo de puta?”
Mario is Italian, so he understands what Shadow is saying. Vander is American, so he does not.
Mario responds, “Alguien robó a Viktor Nation, pero eso ya lo sabías, ¿verdad?” He asks the last part closer to Vander.
Luigi follows up with, “Una pinta de cerveza por favor.”
Shadow pours a glass and hands it to Luigi, “¿Cómo era la ladrona?”
Mario continues, “It’s exactly what you’re thinking in that THICK ass of yours- GOD DAMN.”
Shadow stops pissing, “Do you think my ass is thick Vander?”
“I’ve banged better.”
They laugh. Mario doesn’t laugh, he stands up and yells at Shadow, “IF YOU DON’T LET ME HIT-“
Luigi cuts him off, thankfully, “Go and get some fresh air, brother. I can handle this-a-one.”
Mario is pissed at this but leaves anyway. Outside he lights a blunt and takes a DEEEEP breath with it. Ekko, using his smart wits, walks up the wall and breaks and enters secretly through the secret entrance. Inside, there’s a pair of super long goggles that lead into the shop. It’s very obvious they are there, and when they move that make a super loud af noise. Of course, Luigi is nearing 80 so he can’t hear that well. Although, both Vander and Shadow are very aware of the giant pair of goggles and can hear it creak and it makes them like almost piss their pants every time it happens, except Shadow is already just always pissing cuz hes Shadow and he can do that- YOU GET THE IDEA
Luigi is talking, “blah blah blah so like uh yeah basically-”
CREEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK
“-and its lowkey kind of a problem-“
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK
“-so I was just-a-wondering-“
CREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK
“-and yeah thank you for coming to my ted talk.”
“oh! Uh yes!” Vander is very confused, “just come back when you need something!”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Oh sorry, I must’ve blanked out, could you ask it again?”
“It’s ok, I was just wondering if-“
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK
Luigi’s lips are moving but nothing is being made out. Vander is absolutely stumped, and Shadow can tell, so he answers for his partner.
“¡Oh sí! Si das la vuelta a la esquina, bajas la cuadra y saltas del puente más cercano, ¡podrás encontrar lo que no estás buscando! ¡Así que vete, perra!”
Luigi’s pretty pissed at this, he didn’t study enough Spanish and now he too is confused. He spits on the table, barfs on the table, shits on the table, and then yells, “Okay assholes, you clearly don’t see how important this is! Just tell me a name and I’ll get out of your ass hairs!”
Silence.
“A building was blown up, an entire nation! The people need to be safe!”
“Yeah, everybody does, that’s how that works dumbass. U fucking stupid bruh? Lil bro a lil stupid?”
“The next time I’ll be down here, I’ll have an army of Snoop Doggs. So plan your next words very carefully, I killed the CEO of the health department I WILL DO IT AGAIN.”
Vander sighs, and looks toward Luigi’s beautiful blue eyes, “I’m in love with you, Luigi.”
“Alright,” Luigi starts packing his bags, “If you ever change your mind, this will reach me.” Luigi puts the bat signal onto the table. Like the entire thing, right out of Gotham. It crushes the table; he isn’t paying for that. Vander strokes the bat signal in consideration as Luigi leaves. Vander really seems to be in love with the Big L.
Meanwhile, Ekko sees that Vander is about to cheat on Shadow. He gasps.
[rock music plays]
Then he realizes that Vander is secretly POWDERS DAD WHAT???? Twist of the sentry.
[rock music playing continues]
Powder is in her secret underground lair, building super cool shit. She still lowkey pissed that Violin would speak such cruel and unforgiving and uh idk mean words about her. She puts the lipstick on the literal grenade (it has a smiley face (its child-friendly)) as the finishing touch.
Vi is fucking snooping again, “whatcha gon call this one foo’”
Powder gives Vi a NASTYYYY side eye and then responds, “Little Boy”
Vi sits down on the bed.
“You uh…”
Powder stands up, furiously, “NO I REALLY FUCKING DON’T VI.”
“m’bad- chat uh I like uh yeah.”
Powder sits back down. Hearing Vi desperately try to comfort her is weirdly comforting. Vi puts her hand on Powders back, and her eyes begin to wander across the secret lair.
“Is that Mermaid Man and Barnicle Boy’s invisible car?”
“Yeah but I can’t find the ignition… either that or it don’t work”
“Nah trust fam one day it’ll work.” Foreshadowing.
Vi looks at the stairs and gets a grand idea. “Yo follow me rq homie”
Powder follows Vi reluctantly. Upstairs and outside, on the roof, nearing the edge, yo vi don’t jump, I SAID DON-
Vi gets stupidly close to the edge and Powder is super closeby still dw. Vi hands Powder a pirate telescope and a map with a big letter X.
“Yo look over there”
There’s two logs and a drunk guy.
“Cobblestone got stuck there and boxed by sweats. We lost a tournament that day. Oh and look over there” she points toward a sign with a skibidi toilet painted on it, “yeah Mylo put that there and almost fucking died doing it lol”
“what the fuck why you laughing :skull emoji:”
“nahh he fine, look theres his guts just below!”
They share a laugh over mylo’s old guts on the floor. Thank goodness hes fine now. When they stop laughing, Vi becomes stern and points to just in front of them on the wire, where Air Force Nike Jordans are hanging.
plays with her fingers, “… the Mexican Cartell… I walked down the wrong neighbor hood…” Vi starts tearing up. “They took my fucking jordans Powder… AND DRIP GOKU!!!!”
She cries for a moment, and Powder pats her back, “Shhhh Vi, the Mexican Cartell can’t hurt you now, let all of your anger out.”
Vi wipes a tear, “I used to come down here every day wishing that Captain Underpants would come and take my jordans, and be like ‘yo its me captain undrepants I got your jordans for you’ but that day never came… we’ve all had poor plays Powder, but we stick together through it all.”
“oh em gee im so sorry for being a beach villain”
“its okay piss”
They hug <3 ur welcome chat
“oh right!” Powder digs into her pockets and pulls out the infinity stones, “I got these from Viktor Nation!”
“WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO YOU HAVE THE INFINITY STONES POWDER”
“my bad chat”
They mutually agree to tell nobody about the stones (hopefully thanos doesn’t mind) and keep it their little secret :D
“well damn if u got the fucking infinity stones then mylo didn’t go to enough college cuz u strong af- I mean hulk broke his arm and had to get knee surgery to fix himself but damn u don’t even need it. U gonna be like iron man!”
“Woah!”
“U gonna get some actual respect you dumbass child!”
“WOAHH!!!!!!”
“YEAHH!H!!!!!”
[epic music] and cue the fucking hardest shot of the whole episode too bad u aint watching this shit too cuz DAMNNN
MEANWHILE: The Mexican Cartell got another victim. He’s one of the villagers from earlier, and I didn’t notice this before but he lowkey kinda cute *bites lips with uh epic sauce.* Garfield’s there and he likes the villager but clearly the villager def don’t like cats. In the distance, a super hot hottie man who looks suspiciously like Ryan Reynolds is playing with a drip goku action figure, as well as a perfect cell action figure (in basketball dressings) and megatron. It’s just regular megatron he’s not an action figure.
“You were supposed to clip them…”
“Hmmm! MHhm! MMm!”
The super hot man pulls out a bag of cocaine, “The police are asking questions about you, and I can’t afford any more robux…” he pours a line on the table and with a snap the cocaine goes up his nostrils, no sniff required. He’s just that sexy.
“HMM! H!MM! H!M!HM MM!MMMMH HM!!”
“That was them?”
“HMM HMMHM HMHMH MMHMM MMHMMM MMM!”
“…Hugh Jackman…” He strokes a portrait of Vander, “good thing you said that chat cuz I was lowkey abouta kill u lol. BRIDGET!”
Bridget from Guilty Gear is there and salutes. Trans rights yall
“GET THIS MAN A DRINK!!!!!!!!!”
Everyone is celebrating now, including the villager. It’s a fucking crazy party too- like great Gatsby type shit. Drinks are poured everywhere, so many drugs are done, and BTS is preforming! Everything is fucking awesome- can you tell I have never been to a party? Like lowkey im kinda like- I don’t go outside.
Anyways, after the super awesome party, the super hot guy from before goes to see his personal doctor.
“The knee surgery was successful sir.”
“Lets goooo” dababy ahh “wait I didn’t ask for a-“
“ur welcome sir.”
“oh okay. Hows the drugs?”
“almost ready sir.”
“show me”
“okay sir.”
The Doctor takes Garfield who was just chilling there the whole time and puts him into a cage. The cage is sealed, and inside there is a pile of lasagna.
“Oooh boy lasagna” Garfield thinks.
The lasagna’s a little weird lowkey tho, like its twitching. Shit is alive and laced with so much crack it isn’t even funny. Walter White would be proud… or maybe he wouldn’t I don’t think he condones alive drugs. Garfield starts freaking out as soon as the lasagna (pronounced la sag na) starts standing on its hind legs that it grew. They are very hairy.
“John! John what kind of lasagna is thi-“ the lasagna beats the shit out of Garfield.
“JOHN!!!! JOHN HELP ME JOHN”
The super hot and sexy man and his doctor look at the Garfield without any care in the world. Garfield eventually gets died disease, its off screen so you won’t get scarred. Super hot sexy man and his doctor are pretty scarred tho.
“Do you… do you have a subject in mind?”
The super hot and sexy man who just pissed himself looks in shock at the damage done to garfeldi.
“Sir?”
“Oh!” He says, quite startled from the fact that he just watched Garfield fucking die.
He stares into the cage a little longer, his eyes wide open and painted with fear. He shudders for a moment and takes a few deep breaths before turning to look at the chair that the super cool villager from earlier was sitting in.
“Yes, somebody just volunteered.”