Chapter Text
Darkness engulfs the figure that sits in the middle of the bed, knees curled up to his chest and head buried in-between. Small broken sobs escape down his face as the thought of his flaws suffocate him. His body is trembling and his breath is unstable, causing him to take a number of short, shallow breaths. Jimin usually doesn’t cry. No. To the group, he’s the bright, happy-go-lucky kid who’s always bouncing and showing undying love towards the youngest; but little do they know, he’s drowning.
Everyone is out, practicing the dance for their upcoming comeback but he is allowed to stay at the dorm after fainting a few hours ago. Jimin isn’t sick with a cold or a fever. He hasn't sprained his ankle or anything but his mind is flooding with thoughts that are less that positive, making him unable to concentrate on anything. With everyone gone from the dorm, he can finally let out all the tears he’s been holding back so as soon as he hears the door closing and the chattering of the members becomes distant, he cries loudly. He whispers hateful comments to himself, chanting them over and over again like a mantra so that they remain embedded in his mind forever. He’s surrounded himself in his own deep, dark thoughts that he misses the slow creaking of the door.
“Hyung?”
Jimin freezes but the tears continue to roll down his cheeks. He recognises the person immediately by the voice. That voice. The honey voice that melts him every time he hears it. The very voice that is one of the pushing forces behind his insecurity. The voice that belongs to no-one other than Jeon Jungkook.
“W-What are you doing here Jungkook? Shouldn't you be practicing?” Jimin says, hurriedly wiping away his tears while facing away from Jungkook.
“They told me to stay back and look after you…” Jungkook mumbles, curiously staring at the elder’s hunched shoulders and frowns when the other makes no attempt to turn around to face him. “Hyung, look at me.” He demands but Jimin is stubborn and refuses. “Hyung…” Jungkook’s whisper sounds like a death chant to Jimin’s ear but Jimin finds it strangely addictive.
Jungkook clambers onto the bed and gradually moves to Jimin’s side. He lifts his hands and slowly reaches out, grasping the elder’s shoulders and turning them around so that Jimin and he are now face to face. Instead of Jimin’s usual happy and cheerful smile he finds himself staring at puffy, bloodshot eyes.
“Hyung…are you okay?” The concern lacing Jungkook’s voice nearly makes Jimin want to spill everything. Nearly.
“What are you talking about? Of course I’m okay!” Jimin replies, smiling as happily as he could but who was he to fool Jungkook? Jungkook knew him inside out… almost anyways.
Jungkook takes in the puffy eyes, pale skin and skinny frame of the elder. “Hyung, you don't look okay. You can talk to me about anything you know.” Why are you lying to me hyung? Do you not trust me enough?
“Jungkook-ah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” Jimin tries to convince Jungkook with his usual smile but Jungkook sees straight though. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “You should go back to practicing Jungkook-ah, I’ll be fine.” Jimin motions towards the door for the younger to leave, trying to keep his voice steady but Jungkook hears the shake. Jimin adverts his gaze, attempting to move away because Jungkook is too close for his liking but Jungkook keeps a firm grip on his shoulders, captivating him with his eyes.
“Hyung, stop lying to me. It’s me, Jungkook, your bandmate who’s been training with you since we were teenagers. Stop pushing me away hyung… don’t you trust me?”
Jimin stares at Jungkook with glossy, bloodshot eyes; his mind in a whirl of thought. I’ve been hurt much by you so much Jungkook but why do I still trust you the most? He opens his mouth to speak but only sobs come out.
To say Jimin trusts Jungkook is an understatement. Jimin’s given everything he has to Jungkook but whether Jungkook knows it or not Jimin can’t tell because the younger has always feigned ignorance. He doesn’t know when or how but somewhere along their journey together as trainees, Jimin’s fallen for the bunny-toothed boy who pushes away all his advances like it’s a joke. He’s fallen for the boy who snuggles into his bed when the storm rages and the lightning strikes, illuminating the bedroom. He’s fallen for the boy who grew up in front of him to become the perfect icon of entertainment, able to do everything an entertainer would be able to. He’s fallen for Jeon Jungkook, the golden maknae.
Jungkook recovers from his initial shock and pulls Jimin closer to him until Jimin’s head is resting comfortably in the crook of his neck, tears dripping down his cheeks and landing on Jungkook’s white shirt. Jungkook doesn’t mind. He runs his hand through Jimin’s hair and down the elder’s back, soothingly rubbing Jimin’s back while whispering gentle phrases that fall along the line of ‘You’ll be okay’ and ‘I’m here for you’.
They stay like that for a while until Jimin’s sobs have subsided to small sniffs and he leans away. Jungkook misses the warmth immediately. “Sorry about that.” Jimin mumbles, wiping away his tears.
Jungkook shakes his head. “Don’t apologize hyung. There’s nothing you need to apologize for.” His hands lie lifelessly in his lap, itching to run his hands up and down Jimin’s spine again, to wipe away Jimin’s tears… to simply touch Jimin again.
Jimin flashes a weak smile before lying down on the bed, facing away from Jungkook. Jungkook follows suit except he doesn’t face away from Jimin. Instead, he stares at the way the elder’s hair lazily flops onto the pillow. He stares at the broad back with one too many bones that stick out through the shirt. He stares at Jimin in silence.
The silence between the both of them isn’t awkward but there’s slight tension in the air. “Hyung…?” Jungkook calls out, soft and hesitant. He isn’t sure if Jimin is asleep or awake but he doesn’t want to make the other cry again with his wrong choice of words. Jungkook hates seeing his usual, cheerful hyung crying… it hurts him more than it should.
Jimin hums a reply, assuring Jungkook that was wasn’t asleep but makes no effort to roll over and face Jungkook. “Hyung… why are you being like this? You can tell me everything you know? I won’t judge you and you know that so tell me hyung, I can’t stand you being upset.” Jungkook asks, waiting patiently for Jimin’s reply.
“Jungkook-ah…” Jimin’s voice is barely audible. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Just go do whatever you want to do.”
Jungkook scoffs. “You think I’m actually going to believe that lie hyung? Of all the lies you could use to cover up you think I’m going believe that you’re ‘fine’? I might be younger than you but I’m not dumb. I know that you’re lying. I know you’re trying to be okay but you’re not. Those puffy, bloodshot eyes, breakdowns and the smile that doesn’t reach your eyes… I can tell you’re not all right. I’m trying to help you here but you keep pushing me away. What can I do to help you if you won’t tell me what the hell is wrong with you? Tell me Jimin goddamnit.” Somewhere during his rant, Jungkook’s voice gets louder, angrier and more aggressive until he’s practically yelling his last few words.
The rant must have provoked Jimin because he spins around with anger shining through watery eyes. “You want to know why I’m so depressed? You want to know why I’m crying? Why I’m not fine? Is that what you want to know Jungkook? Then I’ll fucking tell you so listen up; I’m crying because I’m self-conscious. I’m crying because I‘m hating on myself for being fat, for being ugly, for being short but not being able to sing live well. I’m crying because everyone in the group shines and has so much potential but what do I have? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“Hyung…” Jungkook’s eyes are wide in shock and his tongue is caught in his mouth. But to me, you’re perfect.
“But do you know what’s even more fucked up? The fact that these things aren’t the things that are impacting me the most. Sure they constantly nag at me and make me feel so little next to all you guys. Sure, they make me cry by myself sometimes but there’s something else that makes me hate myself, something that makes me want to change. What is it? It’s you, Jeon Jungkook.
You’re the driving force behind all my insecurities. You shine so brightly on stage like you own it. You sing with the honey voice that you’re blessed with. You look perfect, with a mixture of youth in your face but your body says otherwise. Everyone loves you Jungkook and even though I’m your hyung, sometimes I feel like I’ve got a long way to catch up with you. You’re flawless Jungkook but that’s not what pains me. The fact that you act like I’m completely under you, the fact that you always call me the ugliest in the group, the fact that you’re always rejecting my advances… Am I really that ugly to you? Am I really that talentless that you can treat me like someone who isn’t even on the same level as you?
Why do these things even affect me when you make it seem like they’re all a joke? Because I fucking love you Jungkook and have been ever since I saw you dance as a trainee. Do you know how much it hurts to wake up knowing that the person you love thinks of you as a friend, an ugly friend nonetheless? Do you know how much it hurts when you shove me away so hard that my head hits the wall and leaves my head swollen for days? Ever since you’ve ranked me 7th in looks, I’ve been trying to improve myself but I’m always 7th. Tell me, tell me how I can become enough for you. Tell me Jeon Jungkook!” Jimin’s screaming back at Jungkook until he feels himself lose it and he begins to tear up again. “Just tell me something…” Jimin cries through his tears.
Jungkook’s world caves in on him. He is the reason Jimin is a mess. He is the reason the person he treasures the most is crying in from of him. He, who is trying to get the elder to open up and tell him what‘s wrong, is the reason Jimin barely ate and worked himself to the max, causing him to faint today. He is Jimin’s source of insecurity and misery. Jungkook’s mind is in a blur, trying to register all the words Jimin spoke. He told me he loves me. I love him too.
Jungkook didn’t fall for the elder at first sight but he could clearly remember when his heart started beating that little bit faster whenever he saw him.
{FLASHBACK}
Crack! The loud clap of thunder made Jungkook whimper in fright. It was dark, all the lights were turned off and all the members were in their respective room when the storm hit. Jungkook could hear Namjoon’s snoring from down the hallway and he couldn't help but sigh, why couldn’t he be brave and unaffected by the storm? Jungkook wasn’t scared of the storm. No, I’m manly, he kept telling himself. He was the golden maknae who was invincible, able to do anything from singing to vocal imitations. He couldn't let the hyungs know that thunderstorms frightened him so much he could barely sleep. No, he wasn't a coward.
Boom!
He let out a soft squeak while trembling under his bed sheet covers. He was terrified, wanted nothing more than to blow the storm away but he knew that wasn't possible. Instead, he grabbed a pillow and trudged slowly to another room where his favourite hyung would most likely be sleeping, tired out from their dance practice. Another crack of thunder and an unmanly scream later, Jungkook found himself in front of Jimin’s room. He won’t judge me… right?
Hesitantly, Jungkook pushed open the door and unconsciously smiled at the sight of Jimin wrapped up in a white blanket, letting out soft snores now and then. He walked slowly towards the bed, unsure if waking Jimin up was the best idea but another loud clap of thunder convinced him that Jimin wouldn't be angry at him if he was woken up.
“Hyung?” Jungkook called, shaking the elder slightly.
Sleepily, Jimin cracked his eyes open, rubbing them to clear his vision before looking at Jungkook. Cute. “Mmm? What is it Jungkook? Shouldn't you be sleeping since we have another dance practice tomorrow?”
Jungkook stared at Jimin, then out the window to the storm and then back at Jimin, not knowing if he should tell Jimin just how terrified he was. A flash of lightning caught Jungkook’s eye. “Hyung… can I sleep with you tonight?” Jungkook asked, fingers fidgeting on the hem of his over-sized white tee and sweating profusely.
“Of course you can Jungkook-ah, is everything alright? You can come to me for anything okay? You’ll always be my favourite dongsaeng.” Jimin smiled his signature eye-smile and Jungkook felt his stomach flip. I hope it stays that way hyung.
Jungkook quickly clambered into Jimin’s bed, sighing in content at the warmth until another clap of thunder was heard. He let out a shriek and hugged the first thing his hands landed on, which just so happened to be Jimin. He heard Jimin let out a soft chuckle. “Our golden maknae is scared of thunderstorms?” Jimin teased but stroked the younger’s back to soothe the fear that was running through his body nonetheless.
Jungkook let out a soft whine and was about to pull away when there was another boom and he went back to hugging his human teddy bear. “Stop teasing me hyung.”
Jimin, sensing how terrified Jungkook, stopped his teasing and wrapped his arms around the other’s waist, drawing random shapes to help Jungkook relax. “Relax Kookie. I’m here. Nothing will hurt you here so let’s go to sleep okay?”
Snuggling closer to Jimin for warmth, Jungkook mumbled an okay and watched as Jimin slowly fell asleep again, soft snores escaping his lips. Suddenly, Jungkook took in the distance between Jimin and him, they were close…too close but Jungkook didn't mind. Instead, he found himself looking at the elder’s lips and what it’d be like to have his lips on them. He felt his cheeks flush and his heart beat faster when Jimin’s arms tightened around his waist, as if Jimin was saying ‘Don’t leave me’ or ‘I’ll always be here for you’.
That night, Jungkook slept soundly to the beating of Jimin’s heart, forgetting entirely about the thunderstorm that raged on. That night Jungkook realised Jimin’s presence was the only thing he needed to be alright, to protect him from the loudest clap of thunder, to pull him through his fears. That night, Jungkook knew he’d fallen for his favourite hyung. He’d fallen for Park Jimin; Bangtan’s bundle of happiness.
{END OF FLASHBACK}
“Jimin hyung…” Jungkook stares at the teary-eyed male in front of him. He wants say to something, to tell the elder that he isn’t absolutely nothing, that he never meant to hurt the other, that he loved Jimin too. But he was scared. I’m a coward. Jungkook realised. This is my chance…
He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out except for small croaks. He stares at Jimin’s face whose eyes are scrunched shut while tears paint his cheeks. Without thinking, Jungkook reaches a hand out to wipe away the tears and cups the other male’s cheeks. He can feel Jimin freeze and tense under his touch but it doesn’t stop him from placing his lips on top of the plump pink lips. Hyung, do you know now? I love you too.
Sensing little reaction from the frozen body, Jungkook uses his other hand to gently stroke Jimin’s sides. Jungkook moves his lips and feels his heart fluttering when Jimin kisses back. Their lips moulding together until they break for air.
“Jungkook? What was that?” Jimin quietly asks, still breathing heavily from the kiss but this time he isn’t crying. His lips are swollen, eyelashes glittering with teardrop that have yet to fall and cheeks that are flushed red. This time, he’s confused.
“A way to say ‘I love you’” Jungkook mumbles but Jimin hears him as clear as day. His eyes widen upon hearing the last three words before staring at Jungkook’s now flushed face and adverted gaze.
“W-What did you just say?” Jimin can’t believe it. After years of persistently annoying the other and a thousand rejections later, Jungkook is returning the love?
Jungkook clears his throat and wraps his arms around Jimin’s waist. Now’s the time… you can do it Jungkook. “I said I love you Jiminnie hyung. I’m sorry for pushing you away these past few years, for rejecting you every time you came to show your love towards me, for teasing you too much. To be honest with you, I’ve loved you for a long time but I was scared hyung… scared of getting hurt. What if you thought of me as a joke? What if I was just a little brother to you, or just a bandmate? What if you were just doing it for publicity? I was young, naïve and didn’t want to risk my friendship with you because you were just so precious to me. I’m sorry for hurting you like this hyung but I was scared of losing you, losing the person I love...”
There’s tears in Jimin’s eyes when he reaches his small, petite fingers to wipe away the tears that fell unknowingly from Jungkook’s eyes during his confession. “Jungkook-ah, it’s alright to feel scared, I still love you. But I want to know why. Why you chose to love me when everyone in this group is obviously much more talented, has so much more potential than me. Why you chose the wrong person to love. You should’ve fallen for Jin hyung who has a handsome face and cooks you meals every day. You should’ve fallen for Hoseok hyung who can make you smile all the time with his energy. You should’ve fallen for Taehyung who is weirdly charming with his alien behaviour. Anyone but me Jungkook-ah. I’m nothing compared to them…”
“Hyung, you’re not nothing. You were never nothing. You’re perfect to me.” Jungkook declares, arms tightening around Jimin’s waist and bringing the elder closer.
“Jungkook I –“
“Let me prove it to you hyung.”