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I stared into space as I rested my head on his chest. Neil entangled his long fingers through my scraggly, misshapen hair for so long that I couldn’t differentiate his hand from my own hair. When he released his hand from my crown, it felt like a part of me was being torn away. I winced just quiet enough that he didn’t hear.
“Huh.” Neil said. His voice was so soothing I could listen to it for hours. That’s what made running lines with him so easy.
“What?”
“I never noticed how visible the sky is out of our window.” He replied.
I chuckled. While I was trying to figure out what shade of white the wall was painted he was staring out the window, studying the outside world. Despite experiencing the most important event in a teenage boy’s life with one another, knowing that we will never look at eachother the same, and being the most vulnerable we have ever been, the event that occurred not too much earlier from now was the last thing either of us could focus on.
I lifted my head from his chest as he squirmed underneath me to free himself. As he stood and strolled toward the window he was the most relaxed I had ever seen him. I must say I felt quite proud of myself at that moment. He sat on the seat built infront of the window, glanced up, looked back at me with a smile and waved me over. Ultimately, I got up but it was a struggle peeling myself off the bed that still had remnants of Neil’s smell and warmth. I sat next to him and immediately our fingers intertwined like magnets.
“See? I’ve never noticed how visible the stars are. Look there! Orion!” He exclaimed.
His excitement was contagious. I couldn’t help but smile as he vigorously searched for other constellations. The only source of light in the room consisted of a small lamp on his desk but that was apparently disrupting his searching process. He shooed me away to turn it off. Granted, when I returned to the window the stars did appear much brighter.
“When I die…” he started. “When I die I will become a star. A star in the sky. A star that shines upon the world that everyone can see.” He said. “And I will be the brightest one up there you watch me.” He finally chuckled out.
“I believe you. If you die before me I will make sure to look for you every night. But because you will be so bright I’m sure it won’t be a difficult task to accomplish.” I explained with a yawn. I rested my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his body. He returned the gesture before we crawled back into my bed. It was difficult to find the ends of the blanket as the sheets were so sweaty and tangled. After we got ourselves situated, a light kiss was shared one last time before we dosed off into a peaceful slumber.
Since that night I rarely left the window. Even if I wasn’t looking at the sky, that window suddenly held one the most important memories I will ever receive in my lifetime. Neil and I would study and finish our homework in that seat. I would read and write poetry on that seat. We would talk on that seat. Then if we weren’t off to a Dead Poets society meeting that night, we would stargaze and cuddle into eachother like kittens. That seat soon became my favorite place to be. The most comforting. That’s why after Neil’s funeral, it felt like hours before I even moved from where I sat in that seat. As the rest of the evening went by I stared at the wall. The same place on the wall I stared at after Neil and I exchanged something neither of us could ever get back. I never wanted to get it back.
“Eggshell.” I said to myself. “The wall is painted eggshell”.
I directed my attention to the sky to see the stars. I saw so many constellations. All constellations Neil introduced to me. Even Orion. My now favorite constellation. But all the beautiful features of the sky couldn’t distract me from this one star. It seemed to be placed in the middle of the sky, shining brighter than the rest of the stars. As I stared at it for some time, it seemed to flicker. Then I remembered what Neil told me. Tears started to swell my eyes, fogging my vision. I wiped the droplets from my face and looked back at the star.
“Good night, Neil.” I said quietly as I climbed into his bed. His bed still had remnants of his smell and the warmth of his body. “I love you, my star.” I said as I eventually dosed into a peaceful slumber.