Work Text:
✧˖*°
You swung your pencil between your fingers, letting both sides tap on your desk in a sort of rhythm. The hair your mother had been begging you to cut for weeks swooped in front of your face, guarding you from the rest of your workplace.
The pencil abruptly stopped, taken straight out of your hands by your best friend with grade school bully-like tendencies, Sonny Carisi. "What's got you so stoic today?" He laughed, leaning against the edge of your desk.
"Stoic is not the word I would pick." You laughed, finally pulling that hair back behind your ears. "Stressed, maybe."
"About what?" His eyebrows scrunched together as you scoffed, shooting him an 'isn't it obvious?' glare. "The case against your ex? Barba has taken on bigger dogs than another lowlife who hits girls." You clenched your jaw, flinching at his word choice and making his eyes widen. "Okay, that was insensitive and I'm sorry. My point still stands. Barba will get him remanded until trial, okay? But if y'know, god forbid... none of us will let anything happen to you or his girlfriend."
You sighed and leaned back in your chair, so annoyed with your hair at this point that you took the pencil back from Carisi and tied a makeshift bun with it. "I'm not worried about me. Her, maybe... but I know this guy, Sonny. He hurts the people around you to hurt you. He would take my phone and text my mom that I hated her. He- He hit my little brother. And that was years ago so now that we're at this point and I'm involved in his arrest, I'm worried about everyone else."
"Oh, I get it." He tried to lighten the mood with a joke you knew was not going to make you laugh. "You're worried about me, huh? Don't be."
"I'm not worried about you, Sonny. Any stranger would think you and I hated each other with how we talk. I'm worried about..." Your eyes squinted shut, the memory of your ex's interrogation flooding back to you. You thought of how when the door to the interrogation room opened, he had caught a glimpse of Barba giving you a friendly consolation hug, followed by you unable to take your eyes off of him. You thought of your arm briefly clutching the ADA's for support, and then locking eyes with your ex once more before the door shut. A shudder washed over you, finishing, "Nevermind. I'm just overthinking."
Carisi knew who you were worried about but opted not to say anything else about it, instead ruffling your hair and adding, "Arraignment is in an hour. Let's get going."
You offered him a weak smile before putting your coat on, taking a deep breath as the two of you headed for the doors.
✧˖*°
The arraignment judge fixed his reading glasses and looked down to the file in fromt of him. "On the charges of aggravated domestic battery, rape in the first degree, reckless endangerment, and resisting arrest, how does the defendant plea?"
You looked over to your ex and his lawyer with bated breath, the charges making your stomach churn for his current girlfriend and victim. You had been there once. Never to the point of rape, but the battery and the endangerment, you had been there. The skin by your fingernails was basically bitten to a pulp as Olivia grabbed your hands away from your mouth, holding them in her own supportively.
"My client pleads not guilty, your honor. We believe the officers of the SVU and ADA Barba have a vendetta against him due to his past relationship with an officer." His public defender spoke without any confidence behind the statement.
Barba looked over to you, only for a brief second, and shook his head softly, trying to indicate that this ploy wasn't going to work. You clutched Olivia's hands tighter.
"Save it for your trial." The old judge coughed, redirecting his gaze to the ADA. "A plea of not guilty has been entered. Mr. Barba, what do you suggest for bail?"
Barba closed the file in front of him, sternly saying, "People request remand, your honor. The defendant has a documented history of domestic violence. His current victim is in the ICU right now and another victim of his is a high profile NYPD officer." You began to chew on your lip. "He has no family or work ties to the city and we consider him to be both a flight risk and a danger to others."
Your ex looked back at you with traces of a smirk on his face before glaring at Barba, making sure that you saw it. Your heart was pounding so hard you could hear it in your ears as his attorney said, "We find that to be excessive, your honor. My client does not have the means to leave this city and would be more than willing to surrender all weapons."
It was a weak defense, but it was enough to stir the judge. "Given the ties between the defendant and an SVU officer combined with the heinous nature of these crimes, I am meeting in the middle and setting bail at $200,000."
Your ex didn't have that kind of money. There was nothing he could put up to meet that bail. A sigh of relief escaped your lips as Olivia hugged you, before you looked to Rafael with grateful eyes and a soft smile. He offered you the same glance before you looked over to your ex being escorted out of court. "I'll kill him." He mouthed at you with a smile. "I will."
Your eyes went wide as you looked back to Barba who was still smiling softly on your behalf. As he made his way down the asile, you excused yourself from besides Olivia and met him halfway. "Raf, can we get drinks tonight?" You asked, feigning a smile for him. You didn't want him out of your sight at all, but you knew getting drinks was one of the only ways you could get him to agree to come out with you that didn't make your feelings for him too obvious.
He half-smiled down at you and said, "Drinks sound good. 7?"
"7." You repeated back to him, fighting every urge to hug him goodbye in open court. "See you then."
$200k was not something your ex would be able to conjure up. That was the only peace of mind you had.
✧˖*°
It was 4:42 that day when Barba had called you to tell you that your ex boyfriend's family had put up their house to pay his bail. He assured you everything was going to be okay and he would see you at the bar at 7 as planned. Still, he sounded worried for you.
It was 7:04 when you felt like you were going to be sick from your barstool. Rafael was punctual to a fault. Whether he was getting drinks with the team or headed to SVU to be debriefed, being mere minutes late was not in character.
Your leg bobbed as you clicked his contact, ringing him for the 3rd time. If there was something even more concerning than Barba being late, it was him not answering the phone. When it went to voicemail again, you put a $10 bill on the bar and stepped outside into the brisk air. The cold steel of your gun on your hip made it seem colder as your feet carried you to his apartment a few blocks away. With every step, you prayed you'd run into him apologetically late along the way, but that never happened. Not one sighting of him all the way to his apartment door.
With a few knocks, your voice softly and shakily asked, "Raf? Are you there?"
A few seconds of silence passed, your heartbeat in your ears again, before you heard, "Now's not a good time, Y/N."
"Raf, are you okay?"
"Please... just go away." His voice on the other side of the door was stern, but it was also pleading with you.
Your jaw clenched, having a horrible feeling in your gut that he wasn't alone in there. Keenly aware of the firearm on your hip, you said, "I'll go away once I see you, okay? I n-need to see you."
It was a few seconds of whispering and shuffling in the apartment before the door opened. Instead of Raf, you were face-to-face with your ex, along with the barrel of a gun with a silencer. "Hey, Y/N. Been a while since you've stood in my doorway."
"This isn't even your doorway." You bit back, raising your hands above your head as the gun stayed trailed on you. "Where is he?"
"Right in here!" He laughed coldly, his face pale and sweaty. He was high. "Since you're so persistent, you might as well come in, princess." The pet name made you shudder as he waved you in with the gun. You felt like you were gonna be sick when you saw Barba on his knees with his arms behind his head. "One second later and you would've missed the fun! Glad you're here."
"Just let him go." You said sternly, slowly inching over to Barba who looked wholly unafraid for himself. However, when you locked eyes with him, his gaze softened. He must not have been acting when he talked to you through the door as it was obvious on his face that he really wished you weren't here.
"On the ground, bitch." The man spat, forcing you to kneel next to him. Tears pooled in your eyes though you kept your gaze cold as he asked, "And why would I let your DA or... whatever he is go home? Is he your boyfriend now?"
"I'm gonna guess you thought he was which is why you're here." You spoke sternly. "He's my coworker and nothing more. Killing him will not hurt me like you think it will, but if he dies and I live, I will kill you." You were lying through your teeth, using the first tactic that came to your mind to try and get Barba out of there.
Your ex-boyfriend laughed, "You're with someone for years and then they think you don't know when you're lying to them. Please, Y/N, I know what you look like when you're in love."
You felt Barba's gaze on you, waiting for your next move. You tried to ignore how it felt to lie about your feelings right next to him even if there was a good chance you both died today. "You wouldn't. I didn't love you."
"Shut the fuck up." He took a step closer with the gun, keeping it trained on you.
Barba spoke, "Don't. You do not want to do that. Killing a police officer or ADA is bad enough alone, but both of us? You will never see another human being again."
"And what are you gonna do about it, Bar-Ba?" He dragged out the syllables of his name mockingly. "She's the cop, not you. If she dies then, well, you're fucked. No one left to protect you."
"If she dies, I will-" He started, underestimating how long this guy was willing to negotiate. There was a silent gunshot and your eyes bulged and your jaw drooped, clutching your stomach as blood began to pool. The pain hadn't even hit you yet as you looked to Barba, his wide eyes beginning to water.
Then there was another shot to your stomach, knocking you fully backwards, your hands catching you for support. All at once, it felt like someone was holding a brand to your stomach as you let out a desperate cry. Barba moved towards you but the gun focused back on him, your shooter saying, "You'll do what?"
Your gun. He was focused on Rafael so you had a window, but your hands were so slick with blood you were having a hard time finding it. That, and the fact that your vision was starting to go out.
Barba gulped, "Y-You want me. You clearly don't want her. Let me call her an ambulance. P-Please."
"Like I'm letting you dial 911." He laughed again. "The bitch'll live long enough to see me kill you. That's all that matters."
You groaned, fumbling around your waistline as Barba spoke again. His words sounded muffled at this point, too much blood rushing to your head.
"Give it up already." Your ex-boyfriend spoke, clicking a bullet into the chamber. "I'm sick of hearing you plead for each other's lives. Anything besides that you want to say before you both die?"
"F-Fuck you." You said weakly, your gaze locking on his.
"What was that, princess?"
You pushed your own bullet into place and repeated, "Fuck you." In one swift motion, you raised your hand and put a bullet straight through his skull.
As his body slumped to the ground, so did yours. You laid your head on Barba's carpet as he quickly got up and found his phone. "This is ADA Rafael Barba and I need a bus to my apartment immediately! An officer is down! I repeat, an officer is down!" He was practically yelling at the 911 operator, the pain in his voice obvious.
When the call ended, he ran over to you and took his coat off, holding it to your stomach firmly. His eyes were watering and he desperately said, "You're okay. You're gonna be okay."
Tears involuntarily fell from your eyes as you said, "S-Sorry for... bleeding on your carpet."
He smiled sadly, brushing your hair out of your face as he replied, "I don't care about that."
Your hand grabbed his wrist from where it pressed on your abdomen, saying, "It wasn't true."
"What wasn't?" He asked, caressing your cheek.
"The p-part about you being nothing m-more than a-" You winced in pain, more tears spilling from your eyes, "-a coworker. You are more. You are."
His chin quivered slightly, pulling his hand back from your face to keep as much pressure on your stomach as he could. The abscence of his hand made your lips pull back as you sobbed, your molars revealing. "Damn it, you shouldn't have come here." He said, his word choice poor but his sentiment strong.
"It hurts." You cried, the sound of sirens pouring in the room. "I-I don't want to die."
"You won't. You won't." He repeated, leaning over you and placing a kiss to your forehead. "I won't let you."
"I-I do love you," were the final words that came from you before losing consciousness, going limp in his arms as paramedics flooded the room.
✧˖*°
Your entire body ached, including your eyes as they opened slowly, adjusting to the light. It was disorienting and your head spun metaphorically and literally, confused by where you were.
When your eyes finally adjusted, the first thing you saw were tubes in your arm and the spotted blue gown on your body. You were in the hospital; Ah, right, your ex boyfriend had shot you. You reached up to rub your eyes before shifting your weight, attemping to sit up. A groan escaped your lips at the sheer pain that action caused, defeatedly falling back onto the bed.
Someone shifted in the room and you looked over, seeing Carisi notice you were awake. "Y/N." His soft voice spoke, his eyes bloodshot as he darted to softly hug you. "Oh my god."
Even the softest of hugs made your abdomen hurt, releasing another groan and causing him to pull back apologetically. "Hey, S-Sonny." Your voice was hoarse as if you hadn't used it in a while. As much as you loved your best friend, he was not the man you wanted to see right now. "Where's Raf?"
Sonny brushed some hair off of your forehead with a smile, saying, "Should've known you would've asked that. He went to get coffee. He hasn't left this hospital once in two days."
"Two days?" You asked, your eyes pooling with tears. "What happened?"
He sniffled and mustered a smile, starting, "There were some complications in surgery. One of the bullets hit an artery and another hit your liver and it was a long repair process, b-but they fixed you up good. You've been in and out for a while but you're gonna be okay."
A tear slipped from your eye as you asked, "My ex. He's...?"
"He is. It's over."
There had been many times in your life that you prayed that man would just die, but never did you think it would be at your hands. It made you feel nauseous.
"IAB?"
Carisi grabbed you a cup of water off the side table and held it to your mouth. "There's no investigation. It was a good shoot."
It didn't feel good though.
After hearing the door to your room slide open, you looked over and locked eyes with the one man you had been hoping to see. He was still—his eyes swollen like you'd never seen. Carisi looked between you two and said, "I'll check on you later. I'm glad you're okay, Y/N."
You smiled at him as he left the room, Barba still unmoving in his spot. "Hi." You spoke softly, already crying.
He haphazardly set the coffee cup down and made his way to your bedside. You tried to sit up to embrace him, but still, the pain seared and you winced. "D-Don't move." He spoke softly, the tension in the room palpable.
"I'm so sorry." You cried, covering your face with your hands. "I'm sorry I got you involved in this. I'm so-"
You stopped when your hands were pulled away from your face, his voice gentle as he said, "Stop, Y/N... It's not your fault and I'm not the one in the hospital. I'm just... so glad you're okay. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."
This made you laugh sadly through tears. "Protect me. I'm the cop here."
He half-smiled, his red eyes looking straight into yours. "And I'm your friend. I should've done more. What do you remember after you got shot?" Even mentioning your shooting made him wince but he powered through. The word friend made you wince too.
The events flooded back to you but stopped after you fired your gun, like there was a short circuit in your memory. "I- I don't really. I remember shooting him and you calling the police but that's it."
He nodded, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "For a guy who makes his career on asking tough questions, I'm having a hard time with this one."
"What is it?" Your eyebrows furrowed as your watery eyes looked between his.
He took a deep breath and said, "If this upsets you, then don't answer it. Not right now, at least. B-But-" He stopped when he caught himself stuttering, "But you told me that you had lied to him when you said I was just a coworker. That you lied when you said you didn't love me. Is that true?"
You gulped, completely caught off guard by the question as more tears spilled down your face. With an ADA asking this, it felt like it would be perjury to not tell the truth. "Raf..." You started, your lip quivering.
"I'm sorry." He rubbed the crease between his eyebrows. "I shouldn't have asked this right now. It's just all I could think about for the past two da-"
"I love you." You interrupted, shrugging your shoulders slightly as you cried. "I wish I wasn't saying it under these circumstances, but I do. I really do."
He searched your eyes for any hint of dishonesty but came up empty. Those eyes—he had never seen someone look at him the way you were right now. He was at a loss for words for one of the first times in his life.
You chewed at your cheek and said, "Ever since I met you, I..." You half-laughed, half-sighed, looking down at your lap. "I don't know how to explain it without sounding like I'm 14."
"You don't have to explain it." He said, causing you to look back up at him. "My whole life has been my job. I've never really... done this, but I love you too. After all of this, I know that much."
You smiled through a quivering chin and asked, "Really?"
Your tone, reminiscent of a teenager with a crush like you'd mentioned, made him lopsidedly smile. "Really, Y/N."
A silence loomed over the room for a second, neither party moving, as you cleared your throat, "I know you've never really done this, but I can't move and this is supposed to be the part where we kiss."
He laughed before scooting closer to you and taking your face in his hands. "Me? You're one hundred percent sure you want me?"
"Yeah. You. One hundred percent you." You reassured, smiling up at him. "Now cut to the chase."
After a small laugh, his lips pressed to yours so softly and gently that you wondered if it was the pain medicine in your body or just this that made you feel like you were floating. Your hands laced themselves in his hair, pulling him as close to you as possible as you moved in synchrony. You were sure your lips were chapped, but he didn't really seem to care, kissing you like you were the only person on this earth for him.
Maybe you were. You were pretty sure he was the only person on this earth for you too.
✧˖*°