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Clark was beyond excited. The Justice League had been working together for a while now, and he’d finally managed to work with most everyone on the team individually. At least once a month while they were still forming the league, there would be a “bonding night”, even if it was usually an excuse for Batman to put them through their paces. It’d fallen off quite a bit in recent years as they got busier and new threats emerged, but the development of the watchtower changed this. Everyone was thrilled at the prospect of doing team building in the newly finished watchtower, but no one more so than Clark.
Over the years, one thing remained constant. Batman only came if he deemed their activity as “mission relevant”.
Clark and most of the other heroes had been either thrilled or horrified (Green Lantern) to hear that Batman was going to attend the first team bonding night at the watchtower. Though, Superman was at least fairly sure it was because Batman had been the main overseer of the project and was scared they’d break something immediately.
He’ll take what he can get, okay.
Besides, with Batman there, it would be the perfect time to finally tell the others about his secret identity. He knew many of them suspected he had one, but he figured Batman already knew who he was as well as J’onn for obvious reasons. Diana and Arthur never made secrets of their identities as “King of Atlantis” and “Diana of Themyscira” were more accurate than any cover they’d take up to socialize. Hal Jordan had barely known them for a few months before bragging of his exploits and how he became a lantern, and Barry Allen had only told them his real name a few months prior. Green Arrow and Black Canary never actually told everyone in an announcement. One day, they’d just started calling each other Dinah and Oliver and leaving their domino masks off more often than on.
Clark would’ve told everyone sooner. He trusted them all with his identity, but he was a little more hesitant about the fact that knowing his identity meant knowing about Ma. Still, it’d be long enough that he decided it was finally time, but waiting for an opening where they weren’t intently focused on another alien invasion, global crisis, or post mission debrief was few and far between these days.
The day they’d scheduled to do team bonding, Clark arrived at the tower to see Hawkgirl and Cyborg on monitor duty.
“Hey, you two. You’re not joining in on the fun?” Clark floated up behind the two dressed in his Superman suit, carrying a covered glass plate.
“You couldn’t pay me enough to deal with Green Lantern and alcohol together.” Hawkgirl rolled her eyes.
Victor nodded his head in sympathy. “I’m out for the night too. I enjoy team building every once in a while, but the noise level of that group together is too much. And I don’t mean Black Canary.”
Hawkgirl pointed at the dish in Superman’s hands. “But if that’s some of your pie of mysterious origins, I will gladly come and steal some later.”
“You got it.” Clark laughed in acknowledgment and flew towards the direction of the highest concentration of voices. He refuses to take credit for making Ma’s pie, but when she asks if he “shared with his superhero friends”, he can’t lie to her whether he’s fourteen or almost forty.
Clark touched down to walk into the kitchen and put Ma’s pie on the table with what looked like more beer than snacks. He met eyes with Diana over the chaos that was unfolding and fought back a smile.
“-elling you that’s why Heath Ledger is objectively superior to Colin Farrell.”
“You’re out of your mind, Allen!! Farrell has advocacy, and he’s amazing at making you want to hate him.”
“The game is fuck, marry, kill, Hal! Not marry, kill, and fuck who you want to kill. If that’s your mindset I’m seriously afraid for the next invasion we have.”
Superman shook his head and sat down between Green Arrow and Batman, one of whom looked way too invested in Flash and Green Lantern’s argument.
“Superman. Glad you were able to join us.” J’onn greeted him as he sat down. He never gave away much on his face, but even Clark could see the change in conversation for the plea it was.
“Please, it’s Kal when we’re not actively on duty. There’s no need to stand on ceremony.” Barry and Hal turned to face him with far too much excitement, like they were about to drag him into their argument, but Dinah cut them both off.
“Very well, Kal. Have you played fuck, marry, kill before? We can switch to something else if need be.” Dinah smiled over at him from her place beside her husband.
“No need! Contrary to popular belief, I do have a working understand of pop culture, and I was never actually a Boy Scout.”
Batman looked at him dubiously as he reached a hand out to stop Barry’s chair from falling over where he’d been tilting back. “I think you might be guilty until proven innocent, Kal.”
Superman smiled delightedly at Batman’s wry humor that they rarely got to see before turning back to the rest of the group. Diana tossed a beer his way from her place closest to the snack table and smiled.
“It might do much for you, but you are still included in the fun.” Clark nodded in acknowledgment and Barry waved his hand out toward the middle of the circle for attention. He’d definitely be waving two, but he’d used his speed to get a piece of the pie Clark brought in and was holding it like it was sacred.
“If we’re all caught up on saying hi, it’s my turn to choose. And my picks are going to be way better than Hal’s round.”
“Hey, even you admit Heath Ledger is fuckable! My choices aren’t that bad.” Hal looked over at Superman and shrugged. “But if Supes being here means that Spooky might actually participate, I’m all for it.”
Batman didn’t say anything, but Clark was at least 95 percent sure he was glaring from under the cowl.
Barry nodded sagely and moved a half-eaten pie to an empty chair to press his hands together in front of his mouth and then gesture toward the circle. “Okay. Fuck, marry, kill, Anne Hathaway, Henry Cavill, and Margot Robbie.”
Considering hums went up around the circle and Diana sat up to answer before Hal had a chance to start another argument. “I would marry Anne Hathaway, rendevouz with Margot Robbie, and kill Henry Cavill. I’d make it quick and painless for him though! He’s talented but not particular my type.”
J’onn nodded in affirmation, but Dinah shook her head. “No shot. I’d be under Cavill so fast if he gave me a chance.”
“No, I’d be under him. You’d be on top of him.” Oliver looked at his wife knowingly. “But I think I’d marry Anne Hathaway. She doesn’t age, and I’m like…70 percent sure she’s a meta.”
“No, I think Diana’s right,” Clark agreed. “Now, if we’re talking The Witcher, Cavill, Dinah and Oliver are factually correct.”
Hal threw up his hands in outrage. “No love for my girl Margot?! She’s so authentic. I mean, Hathaway is gorgeous, but Margot is like…the new regeneration Anne Hathaway.”
“A classic is a classic for a reason, my friend.” Arthur spoke up before getting up to pick up another beer. “I’m afraid that I agree with Diana here. Beautiful women are a weakness. Besides, my wife would enjoy time with Robbie and Hathaway more, and I do try and keep her happy.”
Barry sighed and leaned back in his chair again. “All these married couples and their sapiness. Some of us can’t even get a date.” He looked back at Batman as the leader glared at his chair again. “What about you, Bats?”
“Pass.”
“Come on, B.” Superman grinned at him with the look that Hal swore let Superman win arguments. “You gotta play at least one round or we’ve learned nothing.”
Batman frowned slightly. “If someone asks a question that’s actually interesting, I’ll consider it.”
“Challenge accepted!” Diana clapped her hands together. “If no one has any objections, I think we should move off of celebrities.”
“Umm, not to be rude, but isn’t that the point of the game?” Barry tilted his head, and Arthur nodded.
“The little one is right.” He agreed. “How do we play if we don’t know who the people are?”
“I never said that.” Diana looked at the group her eyes sparkled. Clark was suddenly very afraid. The last time she had that look, he ended up with a baby duck in his cape on a mission. “What about those reporters who covered the watchtower press release. I know I heard Hal, Barry, and Arthur discussing how the press has ‘more Grade A beef than a cattle farm’.”
Hal held up a hand. “First of all, rude to eavesdrop on us like that princess, but more importantly…you have a point.”
The others started shrugging or nodding their agreement, and Clark felt his heart start to pick up. He’d covered the league’s press release, even though there were dozens of other reporters there. Still, he and Lois had been in the news recently for winning a Pulitzer prize on an article about Luthor’s hiring practices, but Vicki Vale had also been there and Jimmy is admittedly attractive. However, Iris West, Cat Grant, and Chloe Sullivan had also been there! Usually, people never even noticed Clark Ke-
“Fuck, marry, kill, Lois Lane, Clark Kent, and Vicki Vale. Or if you’re Green Lantern, the hot Pulitzer prize one, the Superman writer, and the red-head from Gotham.”
Clark contemplated digging his own grave. At least, when compared to Vicki and Lois (who looked like they be in front of the camera and not behind it), he wouldn’t have a probl-
“Oh for sure marry Lane, kill Vicki Vale, and fuck Clark Kent until he forgets that midwestern accent.” Dammit, Hal.
Clark was dead. He’d died and gone to hell for his crimes. What crimes? He wasn’t sure, but they had to be awful to deserve this.
“I disagree.” Thank Rao. Clark could’ve kissed J’onn. “I would kill Vale, fuck Lois, and marry Clark Kent. I appreciate his integrity.” J’onn made eye contact with Clark, and in that moment, he knew that J’onn was fucking with him and no one would believe that his sense of humor was so evil.
“I think I’d fuck Vale, kill Lane, and marry Kent. He called me ma’am at the press release when I accidentally bumped into him, and his voice could melt butter.” Dinah shrugged. “Plus, I feel like Lane could hold her own enough to not die. She’s got ‘I could beat your ass six-ways-to-Sunday vibes.” Oliver nodded in agreement with his wife, but Barry waved a hand out to interject.
“I mean, I’d definitely fuck Clark and marry Lois, but Vicki is out automatically. She’s hot, but she’s…too nosy for me. I feel like she’d find my identity and publish it for a story before I could blink.” Barry nodded towards Hal in agreement with his decision. “Lois Lane absolutely could too, but she’s got principles.”
Screw being dead. Clark had died before, and that was less torturous than this. He felt a flush that had previously just been the tips of his ears start to cover his whole face. Unfortunately for him, the universe had decided to punish him, and he was still trying to both pull his brain back into his body and float away into space, as far from this conversation as possible.
“I disagree.” Thank you, Arthur. “I would marry Ms. Vale, fuck Mr. Kent, and kill Ms. Lane.”
“Nah, man.” Hal piped up. “That’s just because you have a thing for red-heads.”
Arthur shrugged. “What can I say? Ms. Vale is objectively gorgeous.”
At least it’s over. Clark looked up and tried to make his face stop doing an impression of a tomato.
“Objectively, J’onn is correct. Lois offers the most value of a transactional one night stand. She gets information for a story, no strings attached. Vale is a nuisance at best. Killing her would be the smartest move.”
…….No. No fucking way.
Everyone gaped in shock at Batman’s answer, except Diana who just tilted her head. “What about marrying Clark?”
“Oh.” Batman shrugged. “He has integrity like J’onn said. He’s not afraid to go after corrupt corporations and be stupidly self-sacrificing in an albeit very effective way. You could do a lot of good as a hero with that kind of relationship.”
Clark felt his heart settle a little. Practicality from Batman is always reassuring and a welcome break from the others’…specifics.
“But Lane would offer the same benefit for integrity and morality?” Diana questioned.
“Sure, but she’s not a six-foot-something god of a man. I bet he could pick me up and throw someone under than god-awful khaki suit.”
Clark felt the metal of the chair seat crumple underneath his hands.
This wasn’t happening. This was not happening. His coworkers had not all unanimously decided that he was sexy in his civilian identity. They had to be playing a joke on him. He wasn’t even sure what excuse he managed to stutter out before he slipped out of the kitchen and fled.
They knew. They had to know. There was no way not a single person would choose to kill Clark Kent. For Rao’s sake, Clark Kent was made to be as unsexy and unassuming as possible! He didn’t know how they’d found out, probably at the press release, but they’d all ganged up on him for a laugh. He didn’t even know why he felt like they were making fun of him, but it was like being the awkward kid in high-school hiding his abilities all over again.
“Superman?”
Clark looked up from his place on the floor. He’d obviously managed to get to the residential corridor, but he hadn’t made it into his room before sitting up against the wall in the hallway. Batman looked down at him with what seemed to be…shame or concern. It was hard to tell with the cowl.
“Look.” Clark sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know how you all found out, but that was a cruel joke to play.”
“Joke?”
“Yeah! It’s just…objectifying to talk about someone that way. Especially someone you’re personally affiliated with.” Clark shook his head and stood up, brushing off the pants of his suit.
“You misunderstood.” Batman shook his head. “No one else knew…except maybe J’onn. I didn’t…realize until after your reaction to our statements.”
Clark frowned and looked at Batman’s face for any trace of a lie. His heartbeat was steady, but he’d heard him lie about more important things without as much as a flutter. “Yeah, well, I was planning to tell everyone today, anyways. It’s just…horrifically embarrassing after all of that.”
“My apologies. I sincerely had no idea you were in a committed relationship with Clark Kent.”
What?
“…Huh?”
“All of the articles you’ve written about him. The way you blushed. The speed with which you left the room.” Clark watched as Batman clenched a fist until his knuckles started to turn white. “I’d previously assumed you were in a relationship with Lois Lane, but that was short-sighted of me.”
What the actual fuck?
Clark opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Batman thinks he’s in a relationship…with himself. Clark held up a finger to signal a minute and unlocked the door code to his room. Changing as fast as humanly (or inhumanly) possible, Clark threw on a flannel and jeans he had stored in the tower and pulled out a pair of glasses.
He walked out into the hall, took a deep breath, and shook out his hair so it fell into the messy curls he wore as Clark Kent before putting on the pair of glasses. “I’m not in a relationship with Clark or anyone for that matter. I’m Clark Kent. His- my adoptive parents actually found me as a baby and raised me as their own. I’m still the only other survivor of Krypton with my cousin Kara, but-“ He gestured up and down at the outfit. “I grew up here. Clark Kent is who I’ve been far longer than Kal-El.”
Batman stared at him for a moment before Clark heard his heart begin to speed up. Batman’s heart never speeds up.
“…So all the things-“
“Yep.”
“-we said we’d-“
“Yep.”
“-said you pick me up and throw me, god.”
“Batman!” Clark held both of his hands up and waved them. “It’s okay. You didn’t know, and it’s just a game.”
“Absolutely not.” Batman then proceeded to rip off his cowl, holy hotness Batman because Batman…
Batman was Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne was staring at him wide-eyed, with hair tousled from the cowl, and his heart rate was still far above its normal rhythm.
“We are not having this conversation that I’ve meticulously planned out for over five years because I called you a god of man in your civilian identity on accident.”
Clark gestured wildly. “I thought you knew!”
“I didn’t know!” Bruce sighed. “Contrary to popular belief. I do respect privacy to some extent. If it doesn’t involve the league, I don’t go digging. Plus…I thought you were just Kal-El of Krypton with a probable secret identity backstopped far more recently than I should’ve looked.”
“I mean, there’s not much difference. It’s the same with any of us. Even you have a personality somewhere underneath all of that Kevlar.”
“Ouch.”
Clark rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. More importantly, can we go back to you planning this conversation for five years?”
Batm- Bruce sighed and dragged a hand over his face. “I was also going to tell you all about my identity today. My children convinced me it would be beneficial, and I think some of them had half a mind to just rat me out themselves.”
Right. Bruce Wayne had like…half a dozen kids or however many. There was probably something wrong with Clark that it made him that much hotter in person. In his defense, Bruce Wayne is like People’s magazine’s definition of a DILF.
“But…” Bruce’s focus danced across his face looking everywhere except his eyes. “I was more-so talking about telling you my identity. As well as the fact that…I value our friendship.”
The hottest man in the country values his friendship.
“You’ve known every Robin since Nightwing was small. You’ve helped Orphan communicate when she’s overwhelmed. You’ve been shot by Red Hood…more times than I really want to know, and you practically lived as a shadow in Gotham no matter how many times I tried to kick you out at first.”
“Of course, B. That’s what partners do.”
Bruce shook his head. “Not like this. That’s why I always planned for revealing my identity to come with the offer of you being in my life more…permanently.“
Clark looked at him in confusion. “I’m already pretty permanent?”
“You dense-“ Bruce hissed out and stepped forward to thread one hand through his hair and tighten one on the collar of his shirt until they were nose to nose. “I’m going to kiss you. Your job is to understand what I’m saying and either kiss me back or push me away.”
Clark was very okay with those directions. It took a second for his brain to start firing on a level to keep up with the feeling of Bruce’s lips against his, but he got with the program enough to snake an arm around his waist and kiss him like his life depended on it. His best friend that he’s been pining over for forever wants him just as much in return? Hell yes, he’s going to kiss him back.
Bruce pulled away with a sigh, and, okay, Clark may or may not have forgotten about humans and needing to breathe. The corner of Bruce’s mouth twitched up into a smile, and Clark wanted to kiss it before remembering that he was allowed to. He leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss against that smile before taking the hand that Bruce had on his shirt into his and interlocking their fingers.
“I think the rest of the league can find out another day. Why don’t we do dinner at your place instead?”
Bruce hummed quietly. “That can be arranged.”
A rush of air filled the hallway as Barry sped to a stop and took in the sight of the two of them before running off at a human speed and yelling.
“PAY UP, YOU ALL OWE ME TWENTY DOLLARS!!”
Clark started to laugh as Bruce looked up with a deathly serious expression.
“I can’t believe I’m going to have to break my no killing rule to murder Barry Allen.”