Work Text:
When Eddie shaved his moustache, it felt like the weight of the world falling off of his shoulders. He stared at the hairs sticking against the white porcelain, then back up at himself. It was a little jarring, to see himself completely shaven. He looked younger, a little.
His younger self would be proud of him , he thought. Ten year old Eddie with the weight of being the only man in the house. Nineteen year old Eddie curling his knees up to his chest as Shannon tells him she’s pregnant. Twenty-two year old Eddie clutching the warm St Christopher medal in his bloodied palm, the desert sand crusting red underneath him. He doesn’t think he’s ever let himself feel real joy.
It wasn’t until the priest, that conversation, that he had really let himself think: Do I really deserve this?
After the priest had left, he thought about messaging Buck, his fingers hovering over his name, the small picture of Buck and Christopher’s faces smushed together that Eddie had set as Buck’s picture years ago. Christopher was only nine then, a grin brighter than the sun stretched across his face. And Buck, flushed red from the day spent pushing Chris’ makeshift skateboard, his eyes crinkled at the corners, his nose scrunched up in a way that makes Eddie’s chest tighten inexplicably.
With a sigh he shut his phone off and stared down at his water.
You’re punishing yourself because you don’t think you deserve happiness. You don’t think you deserve joy.
Maybe he could try. He doesn’t know what joy looks like for him, not without Chris. Chris was his joy, he had never needed to seek anything else out because he already had it. But without that, what else made Eddie happy.
He switched his phone back on and flicked to the rarely used notes app. He onyl had a few notes: a grocery list from five years ago, a reminder to himself to take the bins out that he had almost certainly forgotten about, and a scribbled drawing of what looked like it could be a squirrel… or a mangled rabbit. That was courtesy of Buck.
He caught himself mid smile and sucked in a sharp breath, opening an empty page.
Things that bring me joy
Maybe it was slightly disconcerting that it took him a few minutes to think of anything that wasn’t Chris.
- Work
- A cold beer
- Music
The first one was a bit of a cop-out, and the other two were probably too generic, but introspection was not something Eddie tried to do often, and he was hard-pressed to let himself dig deeper than the surface.
He thought about Buck’s drawing, the little heart he drew next to his signature.
“An artist always signs their work! If you choose to sell off my drawing in ten years, I want to make sure I get at least some of the royalties.”
Eddie smiled, ignored the way his heart seemed to thunder a little louder against his chest. He deleted work and replaced it with The 118 . Then,
- Hanging out with Buck
- Watching TV with Buck
- Beating Buck’s ass at Mario Party
After ten or so minutes, his notes page was filled with bullet points, and Eddie couldn’t help but notice that most of them were related to Buck in some way. And Eddie knew, if he just sat with that for longer than a few seconds, he would understand why. Why Buck seems to fill the vacant space in Eddie’s heart so easily Eddie hadn’t even realised it had happened.
As if on cue, Eddie’s phone buzzed, and Buck’s face popped up at the top of his screen. Eddie pressed open their text thread and felt his face warm.
Buck had sent a gif of a Capybara chilling with an apple on its head. Happy, moisturised, in his lane. As Buck would say. Eddie shot back a laughing crying emoji and got up from the bench. The sun had gone behind a cloud and the sudden chill had Eddie regretting DIY-ing his LAFD t-shirt into a vest.
And two days later there he was, freshly shaved in the warm light of his bathroom, watching the water get rid of the hairs, and with it, everything it had signified for Eddie. His unworthiness as a man, a father. The mask he had used to hide himself from the world for the last three months, and the years before that. Because even before the moustache, he had hidden himself in different ways. In a military uniform, in a marriage to Shannon, a relationship with Ana, and Marisol.
He looked himself in his bare face. He didn’t need to say the words to let them fill him. He wouldn’t be scared. He deserved this. This happiness. This joy. He felt like he had put his own desires before his sons, and he had. But they hadn’t been real; it was a desperate facade that he had let consume him. And while he still lived amongst the rubble of his actions–he would until the day Chris came home– he would not let himself feel bad for allowing himself to feel this. He wanted to be happy. This was a start.
So consumed in the blaring music, the steadiness of his soul, the smile aching his cheeks, he almost missed the doorbell ringing. Scrubbing a hand through his hand he fixed his collar and looked down at his naked legs. He should probably put pants on if he was answering the door. But he was in too good of a mood to care if he lightly traumatised someone. Besides, there was only a few people who would be ringing his doorbell at this time.
He checked the peephole, utterly unsurprised to see Buck on the other side. He grinned as he opened the door, stepping back with his arms spread to let Buck take him in. He had been expecting a joke, a silly jab at Eddie’s half-nakedness, but Buck said nothing. He looked at Eddie with a hollowness behind his eyes that had Eddie faltering.
Buck lifted a beer up and pushed wordlessly past Eddie, pushing the beer into Eddie’s hands and beelining for the sofa. Eddie let the door shut and stared down at the beer. The priests words resonated through his mind again:
You put down the juice and chose the water instead because you’re punishing yourself. You don’t believe you deserve happiness.
It was just a beer. He was allowed to enjoy it.
Buck was already halfway through his beer when Eddie sat down next to him and popped the cap off. The music was still playing, quieter now, as the two of them sat in companionable silence. It wasn’t until Buck uncapped his third beer that Eddie turned to look at him. Slouched over, his hand gripping the neck of the bottle a little harder than was necessary. He looked like he had cried not too long ago. Eddie’s heart clenched painfully. He never liked seeing Buck upset. Suddenly he felt a little ridiculous, sitting in just a shirt and underwear while his best friend was clearly dealing with something. Eddie had a good idea of what it was.
“You wanna talk about it?” Eddie asked. Buck startled, like he had forgotten Eddie was even there, he cast a glance at Eddie, then back down to his beer. The silence stretched out for long enough that Eddie was about to say something else, but then Buck sighed and put his beer on the coffee table with a bang.
“Tommy broke up with me.”
And there it was.
“I suspected as much,” Eddie said. “I’m sorry.”
Buck shrugged and rubbed his arms. “S’fine.”
“Is it?”
Buck grunted and grabbed his bottle again, needing to do something with his hands. Eddie and Buck were never much for deep conversation. They spent most of their time together drinking, playing games, talking about anything and everything, but nothing so personal. Eddie’s heart was open, his ribs wide and accepting. At that moment, Eddie would give Buck anything he asked for.
“No, it’s not. It’s…” He shifted his body, curling his long legs up underneath him on the couch and leant against the arm so he was facing Eddie. Eddie did the same, so they were both looking at each other on opposite sides of the couch.
“I asked him to move in with me,” Buck admitted. Eddie’s eyebrows shot up involuntarily and Buck frowned.
“Is that really so surprising?”
And actually, no. not really. It’s probably the least surprising thing Buck could say. He had asked Ali to move in with him, then Taylor. If he hadn’t ended things with Natalia so quickly, he probably would have asked her too. Buck asking his partners to share his cramped, barely-one-bedroom studio seemed like a catalyst for the destruction of the relationship. Eddie wouldn’t tell him that though, not wanting to make him feel any worse.
“No, it isn’t. But it feels a little… soon?”
“I guess it was. I was thinking about what Josh had told me, about being a Post-Glee Bisexual when Tommy is a Pre-Glee Gay, and how I should cut him some slack over nearly marrying Abby, and I guess I thought we were on the same page, but it turns out we were actually reading two completely different books and–”
“Wait, back up. Tommy nearly married Abby? As in, your Abby?”
Buck nodded and told Eddie everything. The last few days had been rough on Buck as much as it had been on Eddie. It was almost funny, that they were both dealing with revelations at the same time, and neither of them knew. Buck finished with a long drink of his beer.
“That is… a lot.” Eddie said.
“You’re telling me. And then he dumped me. Said he was my first, not my last. Whatever that means.”
It pissed Eddie off a bit, that Tommy seemed to have gone into their relationship knowing how it was going to end. Eddie can’t help but feel like he had strung Buck on a little bit. Let him discover himself with him just to leave him when it got serious. Eddie regretted ever becoming friends with him.
“He said I’d end up breaking his heart, like! Who is he to say that? How could he just assume that? I was all in.”
“Maybe he thought he was setting you free, letting you explore your sexuality. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Buck wrinkled his nose distastefully.
“But he did it anyway.”
Eddie’s heart fractured a little. He thought about leaning over and resting a hand on Buck’s leg, or his shoulder. But he stayed where he was, the length of couch between them stretching out like an ocean. Buck looked over at him frowning a little. Eddie tried not to think too hard about the way Buck trailed his eyes up the entire length of Eddie’s body, like he was seeing his for the first time tonight.
“Why aren’t you wearing pants?” Buck asked.
Eddie shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”
“It matters a little.”
“This isn’t about me, this is about you and your breakup.”
Buck made an ugh noise. “Well maybe I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. There isn’t much of anything else to say, it’s just a mess. Now tell me why you’re half naked. And where your moustache went. I was just starting to get used to it.”
Eddie weighed up his options. He could tell Buck everything, and Buck wouldn’t judge him for any of it. But it was one thing to allow himself to feel everything, and another to voice it to Buck, his best friend, one of the most important people in his life.
It would come out eventually… he would. It didn’t have to be now, while Buck was upset and vulnerable and confused. Buck was looking at him expectantly. His eyes were so blue, his skin paler than normal, making the flush pink of his birthmark stand out all the more. Eddie couldn’t count the number of times he had looked at that birthmark and wanted to brush his thumb over it. That’s the first time I’ve ever acknowledged that , he thought.
“I went to confession,” Eddie said without thinking.
“Oh.”
“And then I met the priest at a juice bar.”
“Oh?”
“I’m gay.”
“ Oh .”
Eddie winced. “I didn’t mean to say that. I mean–I didn’t mean to say it like that. I don’t want to take away from your problems–I’ve never–That’s the first time I’ve ever said that.”
Buck stared at him dumbfounded for a little longer than Eddie was comfortable with. He looked like his brain was doing a hard reset, which was disconcerting. He knew Buck was the complete opposite of homophobic, but the longer Buck looked at him like that , the more it made Eddie’s skin itch with anticipation.
But then Buck did something Eddie hadn’t been expecting: He leant forward and wrapped himself around Eddie, pulling them into the middle of the couch. Buck buried his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck, his arms tight around him. Eddie curled his arms around Buck in return, effectively melting against him.
“I’m so proud of you,” Buck mumbled against Eddie’s skin. He flushed hot. He pulled back a little, until Buck's hands were on his shoulders. Their faces were inches apart; Eddie felt the warmth radiating off of Buck like a furnace. Like he was the sun. Eddie still had his hands planted around Buck’s waist.
“I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me.”
“Of course I do Buck,” Eddie said, and it came out almost a whisper. They were sharing breath. Their arms were around each other. They had touched before, but it had never felt so…intimate. Charged. It didn’t help that Eddie’s shirt had ridden up slightly, leaving him even more bare than before. It hadn’t been an issue, his nakedness, until now. He felt completely bared out in front of Buck, his skin and his soul. Buck wasn’t looking, though. He was watching Eddie’s face with a kind of intensity he had never seen from Buck before.
“Have you told anyone else?”
Eddie shook his head. “Only you. I haven’t even really told myself. It’s very new.”
“Is that why you shaved the moustache?”
“Partly.”
Buck tilted his head back a little more, giving them a few more inches of space. Eddie mourned the closeness.
“You should have kept it. It gave you a sort of Freddie Mercury je ne sais quoi.”
Eddie huffed a laugh and Buck’s eyelashes fluttered. Eddie wished he had had this realisation six months ago. Maybe things would be different.
“I’d grow it back out for you, but that would defeat the whole point of shaving it off. Symbolism, y’know.”
Buck shrugged, a smile tugging his lips. “It’s the thought that counts.”
Neither of them make any moves to separate. Eddie can’t find it in him to let Buck go, and Buck just keeps looking at him like he’s never seen him before.
“It’s funny, isn’t it?” Buck breathed.
“What is?”
Buck bends forwards an inch, his curls brushing Eddie’s forehead.
“Tommy breaks up with me the same day you realise you’re gay. Kind of seems like a sign.”
“I don’t believe in signs,” Eddie says, but he can’t help but think it is kind of perfect.
Buck dips a little closer, and his nose brushes the side of Eddie’s cheek. Eddie’s breath hitches sharply and Buck pulls back quickly.
“Sorry, I–”
“–It’s fine, Buck. But you–Tommy…”
“I think Tommy was right,” Buck said, pressing forwards again. Buck was so close Eddie’s eyes kept crossing trying to look at him.
“What do you mean?”
“He said he was my first. That I would end up breaking his heart. I didn’t believe him, but I think–yeah I probably would’ve.”
Eddie tilted his chin up, his heart pounding in the back of his throat. Buck was so close . He was scared to make any drastic movements, to breathe too heavily, in case it broke whatever spell Buck seemed to be under.
“You would’ve broken his heart?”
“If I’d have known I could have had you, then yeah, I would have.”
And that was the final crack in the dam. Eddie closed the gap, slamming his lips into Buck’s. Buck muffled a grunt of surprise and toppled backwards, taking Eddie with him. Eddie bent himself over Buck, refusing to separate them. Buck groped and grabbed at Eddie’s shirt, pulling him closer to him, like he was trying to pull Eddie into himself. Eddie cupped the sides of Buck’s face, gentling the kiss. Buck’s hands ran down Eddie’s back until they met the hem of his shirt, then slipped underneath. Eddie jolted, Buck's cold hands against Eddie’s back shocking him back to reality a little. He pulled away. Buck tried to chase him.
“Are you okay?” Buck asked.
“Yeah, yes, are you? You’ve just been broken up with, if this is too soon–”
Buck kissed him, soft and endearing.
“Never been better,” he said against Eddie’s lips. He tried to deepen it, digging the pads of his fingers into the flesh of Eddie’s back. He groaned, an involuntary noise from the back of his throat that he’d normally be embarrassed about, but it just seemed to spur Buck on. He bit down on Eddie’s bottom lip lightly and Eddie saw stars. But he still pulled back again, just a little bit. He needed to be sure.
“Are you?” Eddie asked. “Are you really? Because I don’t want you realising this was a mistake later down the line. I–I can’t have this ruining our friendship. I need you to be sure.”
Buck sighed and let his head rest on the armrest. His cheeks were flushed, his lips wet, his pupils dilated.
“I think this was a long time coming. I think, even if Tommy hadn’t ended things, the moment you told me you were gay, I would have broken his heart, like he’s said. He was right. He was my first…” Buck closed the gap once more, kissing Eddie firmly, resolutely. It felt like a promise.
“You’re my last.”