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It’s a quiet night in the apartment. Klavier’s sitting on the floor, pouring over some paperwork on the coffee table. Apollo’s on the couch behind him, scrolling aimlessly on his phone. It’s the kind of silence that makes him start thinking. The kind of silence that makes him come to sudden realizations. Such as:
“I kind of wish she was dead…”
Klavier sputters, dropping his pen and turning to face Apollo, “ What ?”
Apollo startles, “Gah- Sorry! That's… probably really morbid to be muttering to myself. Sorry. Ignore that. I didn't mean to say that out loud.”
“Nein, nein,” Klavier shakes his head, “you have me hooked now. Who's been troubling you?”
Apollo hesitates for a moment, putting his phone down and bringing his legs up onto the couch. He really regrets saying anything out loud, but there’s a persistent urge in the back of his mind to tell someone .
“Just- my parents,” he starts. “Or… well- just one of them. La- Thalassa.”
“What’s the matter with Frau Thalassa?”
“You don't have to- whatever.” Apollo shakes his head. Nothing is going to stop Klavier’s obsession with referring to everyone with honorifics.
“It's just… I guess I've been thinking a lot about my past y'know? My whole life's kind of been marked by a series of parental abandonments, haha. So that's- that's been on my mind recently… All the time's I've been left…” he trails off.
“I see… why is your ire directed to just one in particular, though?” Klavier asks, now sitting with his legs crossed and his head resting in one hand. Apollo fills with dread at the realization that Klavier’s actually engaged with this conversation now.
“Ah- uhm. Hm. I'm not sure I'd call it ire . I'm not sure what to call it. It's not like I want her dead as in like- I hope she drops dead today. I guess just- ugh, this sounds so awful.”
“Speak your mind, schatzi, I won't judge.”
Apollo hums a note of disbelief.
Klavier chuckles, and at least looks mildly abashed.
“Ach, okay. I may judge, but I will be kind to you about it. You're clearly upset by this, and I don't want you to feel as if you need to hide such things from me.”
Apollo sighs, “Okay… okay… I guess I just- wish she was dead already . Like- like she died years ago or something.”
“Before you knew about her?”
He nods.
“Pretty much.”
“So is the issue knowing about her, or is it something else?”
“The issue is she never came for me.”
Klavier leans forward, “Go on.”
Apollo blinks, surprised.
“Ah- I expected some sort of objection about how it's not her fault or something,” he replies, vaguely waving his hand around. Klavier shrugs in reply.
“I assume you've heard enough of that already. Plus, I'm here to listen to what you ,” he punctuates this by pointing at Apollo, “have to say. My opinions on where fault lies can wait.”
Well, that makes Apollo smile.
“That's- refreshing, actually. Everyone always gets obsessed with like- defending her to me. As if I haven't argued against myself about her my whole life. Especially recently.”
“Mhm.”
The short reply reminds Apollo that he’s gotten distracted, and he redirects back to the main conversation.
“Sorry I keep- sidetracking. I don't think I've really talked about all of this before,” he explains. He pauses briefly, recalling some really uncomfortable attempts at conversation, and amends his statement,” Or uhm- not to someone so willing to listen. Uhm. I just- I know everything about how hard it was to find me in Khura'in and the memory loss but- but for years she still knew. It was- what? Three years ago since she got her memories back? Since she told Mr. Wright about being my mother. But she only told me a month ago.”
Klavier grimaces at the reminder, “She certainly could've handled it with more… tact.”
Apollo snorts.
“Understatement.”
He takes a quick breath and continues, “But yeah- uh- it's just that- if she was dead, I could excuse it so easily, y'know? Since I was a kid it was always easier to think maybe my- my mom was dead. If she was dead, there was less to worry about. It was just a simple tragedy. Parent dies and child is left behind. None of the mess of… of being left behind. Of why she left, why she won't come back. Death is just the simple answer. And so I- if she was dead, like- like Dhurke, like Jove- I wouldn't have to worry.”
“It would just be another loss, ja?”
“Yeah. It'd- it'd be another loss… Not a willing choice to leave me behind. Because I- I guess I can understand her wanting to adjust to her memories but… I don't know. That was three years. Of her knowing and just- not saying anything. And- and before that. Knowing she had another life. After me. It- it sucks. It's not like I would want her to grieve me forever or something but- I just feel… unwanted .” Apollo pulls his knees closer to his chest, resting his head on them.
“That is… an understandable feeling. I may not agree with the assessment, but I see why you would feel that way.”
“Yeah. Like… I know she probably cared- still cares. But it's hard to really feel that. She spends more time with Trucy anyway…” He quickly realizes just how that sounds and jolts, clarifying, “Which- I'm not mad at Trucy about that or anything! And I- I get it. She barely spent time with me as a kid, and she had years with Trucy. But it's- she talks about how she loves me and misses me, but it's hard to believe it. Not with- with everything.”
Klavier scrutinizes him for a moment and then says, “I'm sorry.”
Apollo finds himself startled for the third time, eloquently responding, “Gh- huh?”
“You deserve to feel cared for. No matter her reasons for her behavior, you still deserve to feel loved and cherished, especially by your mother. Perhaps she has good intent in her heart, but that intent clearly has not reached you. So, I’m sorry that you must carry all of this pain, that you do not have the life you deserve.”
“I- oh.” Apollo swallows, feeling his eyes start to sting.
“Uhm. Thank you.”
“Do you need tissues?”
“Please.” Klavier turns around, quickly grabbing a box of tissues from the coffee table and passing them to Apollo.
“Thank you. I- I think I needed to hear that. No one's really- everyone talks about how she means well and all and I just… no one's ever said something like that.”
Klavier sits up, kneeling on the floor so he can grab one of Apollo’s hands, looking him dead in the eyes.
“Your feelings are just as justified as her own,” he assures. “Her actions still have an effect on you, no matter what she thinks when she makes them. You are allowed to be upset. No matter what her feelings are, she has been neglecting to care for you as her child.”
Immediately, some retort comes to mind, because…
neglect
is such a loaded word. And it’s not like he’s still a kid.
“I-” Apollo starts, but Klavier quickly cuts him off.
“Sh. I'm not claiming her as an awful person, but she is not absolved of all wrongdoing either. I do think it would be good to talk to her about your feelings, but she still should have paid more mind to how her actions would impact you. She is still your mother. If she seeks to reprise that role, she must be mindful of the responsibilities that come with it. Even if you are an adult already.”
“Gh. Thank you.”
Klavier tilts his head and smiles, an almost uncomfortably genuine and kind smile.
“Of course, liebling. I'm glad you opened up to me about all of this.”
“Yeah I- uhm. Sorry for scaring you with the sudden death wish,” Apollo jokes.
“Ach, it's probably the smallest fright I've gotten in a while.” Klavier sighs for dramatic effect, “The life of a prosecutor and all.”
Apollo laughs, “I guess. Still uh. It means a lot- you listening to me, but also what you said. I- I don't know if I'll talk to her like- tomorrow , but I will soon.”
“Gut, gut, take your time. Don't put it off forever, but don't rush yourself, either.”
Apollo considers this and hums.
“Hm. Like Goldilocks,” he mumbles.
Klavier blinks in confusion.
“Ah- sure. Like Goldilocks,” he hesitantly agrees.
“Pfft. Sorry.”