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Nothing was the same after he died. Especially not the home. His home. It was her home now, but it didn’t feel like it. She still felt like a guest, her host a dead man.
He was everywhere.
The smell of fish and chips lingering in the air. His presence across from her as she ate breakfast. His voice calling for her just before it was time to leave. Those harsh yet gentle eyes watching her as she cooked, making sure she didn’t cut or burn herself.
When she looked up she saw nothing.
He was gone.
It was hard getting used to being alone, especially after Naruhodo and Susato went back to Japan. She wasn’t really alone. She had Toby, Iris, and Sholmes. Even Asogi and van Zieks… But she still felt alone. There was a part of her missing and she knew she could never get it back.
She just felt… so lost.
What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to go on with her life? How did someone handle losing someone they loved? She didn’t know who to go to. The only people she knew that had suffered a loss like hers didn’t exactly handle their grief well.
Everything was just so confusing. Her mind a swirl of emotions. Despair, sorrow, betrayal, anger, regret, wrath. So many things, she couldn’t quite understand them all. Some days one emotion was stronger than the other. Some days she felt nothing. Some days she found it hard to do much of anything.
On days of despair she found herself in the bosses room, a place she wasn’t allowed to go when he was alive.
It still smelled like him.
She’d wrap herself up in his old coat, imagining that it was him giving her a hug. She’d lay on his bed, and sleep dreaming he was still here guiding her and Toby on investigations. She never touched anything else. She couldn’t bring herself to look through his belongings. It felt wrong.
Even if it was all technically hers now, she couldn’t bring herself to treat it as such. It was the bosses. It would always be the bosses. He would never want her snooping through his stuff.
Sometimes she would just lay in his bed and reread his final letter to her over and over again. Sometimes she wondered if she was ever meant to read it. Or, maybe he knew his mission was risky. Maybe he knew he wouldn’t be coming back.
A single line repeated in her head over and over again.
“I've got one more job to take care of before it's ta-ta to London town for the foreseeable.”
She couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he did come back. What if he never died during that final job? What if he got her out of London? Naruhodo said he wanted to take her to Paris. She wondered how he would even manage that. It’s not like she had a passport or anything. She wasn’t even able to get her hands on a birth certificate.
Most of all, she wondered what would happen if she found out before he died. If she knew who he really was. What he had done. Gina was sure she would be all sorts of angry and devastated. She was angry and devastated now. There were so many things she wanted to ask him. Most of all, “why?”
The days of anger were the worst. Days of hate and destruction. Days where she left the house a mess in the morning, only to clean it up bitterly when she returned during the night.
He had lied to her.
He made her question everything she knew about him. Everything he had ever done for her. Was it all a lie? Was it all a trick? Or maybe it started out like that. Maybe she really was meant to be another victim of The Reaper.
She couldn’t stand the house most of the time. Finding herself on Sholmes’s doorstep like a lost puppy. He always let her in. Iris enjoyed her company. Those days she spent cooking with Iris, watching Sholmes play that god-awful instrument of his, and helping clean the house when it was time to pack up for the night.
The couch was set up with blankets and pillows. Iris and Sholmes slept out in the living room with her, saying it would be a sleepover. Iris took the chair, and the detective would sleep on the floor. He always insisted she took the couch, no matter how much she offered to take the floor instead.
It was days like that when she could return home and look at everything with a clear mind.
The boss did care.
He cared more than she could ever know.
As the days went on, it got easier and easier.
Her time with Sholmes and Iris became less about avoiding her home and more about spending time with them for the sake of spending time with them. Getting out of bed in the morning became less of a hassle. She could pass by his door without being overcome with grief.
Most of all, she was able to forgive him.
Maybe not for what he did to others, but for what it meant to her. For the feelings of betrayal, for the sadness, for the rage. She was able to remember all the good instead of the bad. All he did to help her. The shelter, the clothes, the job. Most importantly, the love and care.
He was never coming back, and she would never be okay with that, but she was okay with that feeling. As long as she kept those memories of love she would be okay. She was going to be okay.