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I swallowed, palms sweaty but refused to show weakness by wiping them on my robes. It was clear that Ominis wouldn't be able to cast the curse and I had no desire to make him relive past trauma. This situation was pretty bad in and of itself without forcing anyone’s memories to the surface. Whatever Salazar's intentions were by making this trial, he didn't want the people going through it to emerge intact. Either it was meant to cull off the weakest individual, or traumatise the entire group passing through. What it was supposed to teach someone coming alone was unclear. Beyond the bones in the corner...
Curiosity kills, I supposed to myself. Whether alone or not. Not a great mantra.
I glanced at Sebastian. He was already steeling himself, his hand gripping his wand.
I gave him a nod.
“I can handle the pain. It's fine, cast it on me,” I told him. More for myself, I realised, as somewhere in the back of my mind it occurred to me that my friend was going down a never-ending spiral. His willingness to learn the Dark Arts, his blind determination to try anything and everything, his stubbornness. Everything pointed to things getting worse. And for a moment I thought this might seal the deal. If he cast Crucio on me, he would cross the last line that kept him on the side of reason. Fear crossed my eyes as he levelled his wand. I almost wanted to stop him. To save him from himself. But I hesitated at the thought of casting it myself. That hesitation cost me my window of action.
“Crucio!”
A bright red light shot from the tip of his wand to my chest. At first, I wondered if it had worked but it was just my mind catching up to my body. Sudden pain shot through me as my muscles convulsed all at once. I felt my heart tighten in my chest in a way that didn't feel natural. Immediately, I dropped to my knees unable to support my own weight, my eyes shooting up wide to meet Sebastian's. All thoughts left my body, mercifully taking me away from my moral dilemma. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was dimly aware of my own voice screaming and moaning in pain. Sebastian's eyes were wide as he regarded what he had done to my body. But there was no regret there, just fascination.
Somewhere in the corner, Ominis retched on the floor, folded in half.
I blinked hard and lowered my head in an attempt to block out the sound of the stomach doubling over. I didn't want to worsen my condition by emptying my insides. Though even if I wanted to vomit I wasn't convinced my body would let me with how tense it was.
The seconds seemed to stretch. The initial blinding pain now travelled from my muscles to my head. It hammered at my brain to the beat of my battering heart. I winced loudly. My fingers dug into the stone floor trying to hold on to anything to stabilise myself ripping my nails from the force of my fingers. It was the least of my worries. A cold shiver ran through me. For some reason, Sebastian's heavy breathing became distinct alongside the blood rushing in my ears. I peeked up through my lashes. What I saw horrified me. His irises were blown wide.
Another shiver ran down my body. He was enjoying this. The power, the domination, the certainty that he could turn anyone into a writhing heap on the floor. My greatest fear materialised before my eyes. He would use this magic as a means to an end, a merciless tool, not caring about the damage it caused in its wake. Another feeling sidled up in my stomach beside the pain and the horror. Thrill? The morbid clarity of mind that accompanied being forced to live in the moment?
He took a step forward but I broke eye contact and returned my gaze to the ground. His breath still echoed uncomfortably in my ears. I groaned as another wave of pain hit my spine. Every nerve seemed to fizzle with electric fire. My questions vanished from my brain.
Shit.
I might retch here. The smell travelled from Ominis’ corner. I panted hard trying to keep it together. Sweat dripped from my brow and turned the stone beneath me a shade darker. It salted my lips providing a light distraction.
“Are you alright?” Sebastian asked.
I wanted to laugh. There was no way I looked alright. Bastard.
I tried to stumble to my feet and look my friend in the eyes, but I teetered drunkenly from the pain. The hate I felt must have shown in my eyes because his gaze flashed with a hint of cruel satisfaction. I stumbled back to the floor. My knees landed hard, the impact resonating through my bones and clicking my jaw shut. As the curse ebbed away slowly, awareness of my body started to flow back to me like a tide. With it, a renewed feeling of pain. I groaned low as my muscles cramped at being finally released.
“How does it feel?” Sebastian asked with a whisper.
I licked the salt off of my lips. The forced shift in dynamic knotted my stomach with anticipation. Was it what compelled me to answer? Maybe I wanted to try and have him relate a little bit to what I was feeling or maybe I wanted to see his reaction if I gave him what he wanted.
Through gritted teeth, I said, “Like my muscles were shot by lightning and my nerves stabbed by knives.” My voice sounded hoarse and damaged.
To his credit, awareness briefly flitted in his eyes but was quickly replaced by determination.
“We won't regret it,” he resolved.
You won't regret it , I corrected in my head.
“Happy now?” I growled. Pained hate laced my words.
He crouched in front of me and whispered low enough that Ominis wouldn't hear, “I would do it again.”
The anticipation unfurled from my stomach and ran through my veins like ice. I had never felt so mortal. He looked down at me like someone who had emerged victorious against an enemy that had underestimated him. Like I was a stepping stone, a means to an end. An unfamiliar mix of anger and hunger buzzed along my skin. I shuddered at my own weakness. Something snapped.
“I fucking dare you.” I barred my teeth, noticing the taste of copper in my mouth for the first time.
In that instant, we both knew our friendship had come to an end.
And with the amusement of someone seeing their pet getting tangled in their leash, he smiled. “Crucio,” he whispered. It was pure coldness in his eyes.
The second round hit faster than the first. I screamed at the feeling of my lungs being pierced by needles. As I fell forward Sebastian caught me. He held me by the shoulders as I shook in his grasp. Where his fingers dug, it felt like hot coals searing deep into my shaking flesh. It focused me in a way that felt viciously good.
He continued whispering in my ear. “You never took me seriously, did you? Always expecting me to be the helpful kid looking after you while you made all the discoveries. The teacher's pet.” He spat the last word. “You thought it made you superior to take the curse? You thought you were doing the right thing and that it made you a better person? You took the moral high ground and left me to do the dirty work. How do you feel now? Not so mighty.”
One hand grabbed the hair on the back of my head and lifted my face towards his. The tension on my scalp was laughable compared to the pain wracking me everywhere else.
“The expression you have on your face right now? I'm going to remember it until the day I die. I'm going to dream about it every time I close my eyes. I'm going to picture it every time someone mentions how perfect you are.”
I could see my facial expression in his eyes. Disgusted, angry, fearful, vulnerable.
Desire, thirst, weakness, surrender. Just for a second and hidden by everything else.
My focus shifted back to my torturer. He was hungry. He'd seen power now. He wouldn't let it go.
As the second round of the curse ebbed my body shivered violently. It trembled in anticipation of the fever that would soon break. My skin felt so delicate against his touch.
“Say you're sorry,” he growled.
I opened my lips to protest but his eyes went dark.
“I'm sorry,” I croaked out.
“For what?” He snapped.
I looked at him with confused eyes but he just pulled my hair tighter. His wand poked at my chest in a silent threat. I acutely felt like prey. My overstimulated brain hurt as I rolodexed through his monologue, hoping to spin an apology that would placate him. The longer this went on the more ice left my veins, as did any strenght. In its wake was emptiness. My bones felt hollow and so so tired. I closed my eyes long enough to cave, to acknowledge my loss and my subsequent surrender. I couldn't call the shots. It dawned on me with a certain amount of horror that it felt somewhat freeing. It was an experience so far removed from anything else, to be made this helpless. In my self-awareness I formulated an apology that I hoped would not only satisfy him but also ring true.
“Sebastian, you're right. I'm sorry for taking your friendship for granted. It’s a gift that I should have nurtured. I'm sorry I've been too preoccupied with my own struggles to see yours. And I'm sorry you were second fiddle. You were never less capable than me and I shouldn't have made you feel like you were.” My shoulders sagged as I said all this. Did I believe what I said? Maybe. Maybe not. But my desire to satisfy him was stronger.
His eyes seemed to hesitate as I stripped myself of my pride.
“Please,” I whispered.
Something hardened then. As if showing too much weakness was counterproductive and ended up fueling him.
“Watch yourself,” he warned. “And don't stand in my way. Do you understand?”
I exhaled in relief but he shook my head.
“Do you understand?” he repeated, looking for an answer.
“I understand,” I choked out.
“Good.” He let go of me and stood.
I collapsed at his feet and watched his shoes disappear into the unlocked room. Ominis scrambled after him. I stayed unmoving, stewing in my own mixed bag of confused emotions. Sebastian's eyes appeared in my mind. Hard as steel. Fascination hit me. I hated him, but I also hated how much I wanted his hate. No one had ever looked at me like that. I had the distinct impression that his face would remain in my head as much as mine in his.
---
Fifteen minutes later I had managed to prop my body up against the corner of the hall. My forehead felt hot. Sebastian came out of the Sanctorum and stared down at me with barely concealed disgust.
“We're leaving. There's a secret passage in the Sanctorum.”
He threw a Wiggenweld at my feet.
“If you die here you're really pathetic.”
He gave me a kick in the sternum and left.
---
I barely managed to stomach the potion. I somehow moved my body to lie on its back and fall asleep long enough to regain some energy. Enough to drag my worn body to my private dorm room. I pulled myself straight to the bathroom and finally retched. Damnit. Damnit all. My hands ripped my robes off my perspiring body and I stared at myself in the mirror. Bruises everywhere. I looked like a ripe fruit, my own weakness reflected back to me in my eyes. I poked at a couple and slammed my fist into the counter with a hiss. Cold dark eyes flashed in front of me.
I threw up again.
Exhausted, I ran a hot bath, then gripped my wand in a shaky hand and cast one after the other the list of healing spells I knew. Though I quickly looked better, I didn’t feel much better. Another Wiggenweld went down my throat and I melted into the bathtub. It was followed quickly by my bed sheets.
Pain, a stone corridor and Sebastian’s vindictive voice haunted my dreams. What haunted me more was the sound of my own voice asking him to hurt me.