Chapter Text
The others seemed to get along well with the pirate crew. Rabscuttle was chatting with Lorenzo the Peg Man, Ro was excitedly gesturing while talking with the other halflings, Carrott seemed to be relieved to be back in the company of humans, Praxis disappeared some time ago with the steer master below decks, Triangle was once again hanging out in the crow’s nest, and- and he was smoking stern-side, leaning on the rail, alone, facing the deck but seeming to be content not to engage with anyone.
She was resting her elbows on the bow’s rail by herself, gazing at the bright blue sea, her mind carefully empty. She noticed while boarding the few half-elves on this ship waving to her and nodding in respect, though they made sure to not approach her. She understood, as it was always… rather uncomfortable to be in the company of her own kind, seeing as they never knew how to interact with each other. They all had such different backgrounds, with incredibly varied lived experiences. During her time with him, they always made sure to keep their distance from humans, elves, and half-elves alike, knowing none of the races would get them, knowing better than to get their hopes up in search of a false sense of kinship.
Gecko Man was kind enough to grant her the privacy she so desired, although for the wrong reasons. He gave her space to grieve her equine companions, forbidding anyone from approaching her. The part of her that was still capable of sentiments was grateful for it, appreciating his kindness. She supposed a part of her must indeed be grieving, for it seemed like a scream was resonating in her head since the Kraken attacked and hadn't ceased since then.
What was she thinking.
She tried to shoot Alwyn. She was going for his head. If the ship hadn’t swayed at the exact moment before she pulled the trigger, he would’ve been dead. Her aim was always true, she was a damn good mercenary, earned her skills through tears and blood.
Well, past mercenary.
She scoffed; as if it made a difference, as if she could escape her past, as if she couldn’t hear his phantom voice berating her for not considering the ship’s swaying, for not adjusting to her environment, for being lacking, always lacking, never meeting anyone’s expectations, being a failure and a –
Deep breaths.
Empty mind.
Carefully, blessedly empty mind.
The sunlight reflected on the waves like jewels shining on a crown. She never saw such a magnificent sight, seeing as she’d never been on a body of water as enormous as this one. She could barely fathom the scale at which it existed; it was supposedly thrice as large as the Endless Lac, which she’d seen once many decades ago, and that was incomprehensibly vast. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sun’s glorious warmth, grateful in some way to have gotten the chance to travel the sea, if only once in her lifetime.
She distractedly noticed the stomp of boots behind her, assuming one of the crew mates had work to do in this area. She pasted an indifferent expression on her face. It was weaker than her usual façade, and hoped that person wouldn’t take notice of it, or of her, really.
“I haven’t gotten a good look at you since we started this whole fucking journey.” Alwyn’s voice rang out behind her. She hated the part of her that flinched, hated even more her feelings of dread, knowing this would not end well for her, and yet being unable, perhaps even unwilling, to do anything about it. She pushed herself off the rail, turning to face him, and crossed her arms, desperately convincing herself she was not, in fact, afraid of him, of what he might do, of what he might say.
The smell of smoke was thick around him, abruptly taking her back in time, when she was that little girl who helped roll him a joint every single night without fail.
Alwyn was worrying the deck, pacing back and forth, eyes analyzing her critically, and seemed to find her wanting, for he scoffed with an ugly expression on his face.
“Didn’t realize it but, I wonder if you belong right here, Lexo, among the other runts of the litter,” he sneered. “You’re just like them. Neither cup is full, half-elf, half-human just like these charming people. You smell like ‘em, y’know. Sweet. Salty. Dirty. Is that where you get your temper from?”
He stopped right in front of her and tugged on her left ear. “Not long enough.” Before walking away.
Oh.
Well, he sure fucking got her.
She wheezed a breathless little laugh, feeling lightheaded and dizzy, not able to get enough air in.
Not long enough.
Oh, she despised how right he was, how every single word that left his mouth hit a cord within her, twisting and stabbing her soul.
She was shivering, never mind the fact that it was so incredibly sunny, suddenly feeling like a great frost invaded her being. She felt dirty, wanted to scrub herself clean of every sin she committed and will continue to make, for she was a blight on this earth, incapable of controlling herself, always letting her damned anger win, and always, always hurting everyone.
He was right.
She didn’t belong anywhere, didn’t have a place to call home, no family or friends.
She was going to die alone, and it was what she deserved.