Chapter Text
Up on stage, Dohwa saw many faces but never the face he wanted to see. Each time she came to mind, he thought, what was the point of that confession back when he was 18? He still kept seeing her face everywhere—when he was wandering anonymous in a foreign crowd, when he was jogging along the Han River in the dead of dawn.
If someone’s laugh carried in a cafe in the same cadence as hers, he couldn’t help but turn. If the curve of someone’s neck to shoulder was exactly like hers, his gaze would linger.
But what was the point?
If he caught her image in the glass of a department store, what then? He had already promised himself that he would move on. He was so bad at that. In fact, he thought he was bad at most things—bad at belting out notes, bad at moving his body to a beat, bad at stringing words into a lie, but most of all, bad at forgetting a girl who peered into his soul. In these past four years, she probably saw his face plastered everywhere and he would see hers never.
It was already April yet the air was still crisp with the scent of rain showers. The promotional event had just ended late past midnight and he finished bowing and thanking every person on set.
“Good work, Dohwa,” his manager said, whisking him away through the exit and towards the company van.
The moment he stepped out into the streets, he realized he was near a college campus. It was a bit bittersweet. What kind of life would he have led as a college student? He imagined an ordinary scene drinking with friends in someone’s dingy apartment and laughed to himself.
“Manager, you can drive back yourself. I’m going to walk.”
“Wait, what? By yourself?”
Dohwa had already started down the sidewalk and it was clear to his manager that he wasn’t going to listen to any protesting.
“Fine, just tell me where you end up and if you’re going to do anything stupid, can you please tell me? Before you’re going to do it! You hear me? Before!”
He waved his hand without looking back—yeah, yeah, sure.
At this odd hour, the world felt like it was his. The dampness left by the evening rain made every light and reflection brighter. Without the hum of people, he could hear every waterdrop from the gutters tapping against the pavement while the occasional car sped through the alley, whipping straight lines into the air. For once, rather than being at the mercy of the world, he felt it moved for him.
As he sauntered around, his eyes followed the shadows cast by the buildings lined against the street: an empty cafe, an old-fashioned restaurant, an unlabeled set of doors.
It was by pure coincidence. A stronger breeze streamed through the narrow street and he followed its direction up into the dark sky. That was when, in the soft glow of lamplights, he caught sight of her.
She wasn’t doing anything special—just holding his universe together with her hands cupped around her face and her elbows propped up on the railing. He watched her a little while longer than he’d liked, letting the edges of her overlap into his world for a bit—just to mend the fraying parts.
Strands of her hair fluttered around her shoulders, longer than what he had remembered and her gaze so fixated on the nighttime atmosphere that she paid no attention to the passersby below her.
Her name caught in his throat—its heat as warm as the last shot of gin on his messiest night, begging him to imbibe just a little bit more. But he knew that if he let this April air know her name, it would just carry it away. So he swallowed it down again so it could sink closer to his heart than his lips.
He felt her name feeding the greed he had buried in the darkest corner of his heart. If this wasn’t a sign from the universe, then what was? If, in a city of 10 million, they could cross paths like this, then maybe. Maybe tomorrow they could be face to face across a dinner table. Maybe her name would flash on his lock screen in a series of grey boxes and maybe a ping or two wouldn’t be so dreadful. Maybe all it takes is a coincidence where just a look could say “long time no see. I’ve missed you.” But he caught himself. Wishful thinking past midnight never comes true.
He dropped his gaze and urged his feet onward.
“Suae!”
He stopped in his tracks. It was a female voice calling her back in.
“You’re back! I missed you.”
Dohwa knew her words weren’t meant for him.
But he wondered if, one day they could be.