Chapter Text
”Ash your late, we only have one left.”
“I told you Mr. Oak I don’t wanna be a Pokémon trainer, I wanna be a martial artist!”
“Ahahaha ash your such the jokester, now here’s your Pokémon.”
The red ball is shoved into Ash’s arms before he can object.
“So Ash, any questions or is that it?”
“Oh uhm, yeah I have one. First off how dare you?-“
The red ball explodes open with a burst of light as the top half of the ball launches off and hits professor oak in the face.
‘I heard Oak slander and I came as fast as I could. What did I fucking Pika miss?’
“Oh a Pikachu! How you doing buddy?”
‘Pika Pika fuck professor oak’
“Yes, yes, very true, but wait… let’s get out of here and then we can discuss our mutual understanding of not wanting to be a FUCKING POKEMON AND TRAINER.” (That’s pointed at you professor Oak you whiny bitch.)
And so the journey of the life time began- with a boy and his Pokémo- SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH I DONT WANNA HEAR IT. WHY DONT YOU SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAP MR.MIME. FUCK OFF AND STOP FUCKING MY MOM!
Ash sat on his bed, the squeaking comforting him as his (maybe?) new best friend pikachu climbed on top of his desk. Awkwardly Ash looked at his floor and than back to pikachu, what do pikachus even like to talk about? “So,……… professor Oak?,… any thoughts?”
‘Pika fuck yeah, I have like 36 grudges and counting against that man. Ok first off he’s a rude ass bitch. Made me train like, excuse me I didn’t ask to fucking be a military cadet here. Number 2 I’m being fed like absolute dog food. And I mean has the bitch seen me? Im more of a fucking rat than a dog which is crazy cause all the rat Pokémon are just little French bastards and I’m Italian. I bet Oak has never in his life seen fucking pasta because the only thing I’ve seen that bitch eat is sad sad sad old divorced man energy meals. Three, that man had the audacity to just stuff me in a ball with the gall to try and demand stuff of me. Four, that man has never once in my life asked if I wanted to be a Pokémon battler, I want to be a trainer not somebody who gets beat the fuck up by pidgeotto from New Jersey. Five, I swear to god, I think he’s a drug dealer. Like everytime he brings me out to “play”, he offers me some stupid ass berries. And im so sure those are fucking drugs or some shit cause he offers them to like every Pokémon he see’s so I’m not sure how the shit this man has not gotten caught by the police because I’m pretty sure last time I checked drugs where illegal. Sixth-“
“Ash are you ready to go?” A yell comes from downstairs.
“To go where mom?” Ash yells back down.
“To go on your adventure silly!”
“What adventure?!”
“You know, that adventure that surely every eleven year old child goes on in there life where they leave home alone with nothing but a literal animal to accompany them and a small backpack which is surely going to get ruined in like the 5 seconds they leave their house”
‘Wow that your mom kid? She sound like a pika fucking bitch. What kinda mom sends there son out alone in the world? That just sounds like child abandonment if I’m being honest.’
“I know, dude. And it doesn’t help that she’s probably fucking that Mr mime.”
“ASH WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO SWEETIE?”
“Pikachu mom!”
“THATS NICE SWEETIE. NOW HURRY UP AND PACK YOU CANT STAY FOREVER HUN”
“Oh speaking of which, I never got your name and pronouns pikachu. Im Ash, He/Him.”
‘Nice ta meet ya kid. I’m Zeus Blitz Zapatouille, or Zeus for short. My pronouns are they/them. Now we betta start packin before ya bio mum ends up throwing you out a window.’
Ash nods and picks up a large messenger back with stars printed in patchwork onto it. Stuffing essentials in there Ash, works his way quickly finishing up packing. Completely ignoring the stuff his mom set out for him until he realizes that if he doesn’t pack them he’s going to have them forced upon them anyway. So he packs it all into the generously described “bag” and hooks it onto his belt before slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder. Letting Pikachu climb onto his shoulder ash walks down the stairs greeting his mom as he leaves the house.
Walking down the street Ash makes sure to check his map before heading towards a city. Man Ash strangely felt free. Nobody was exactly pushing on expectations onto him and it wasn’t like he was planning to stay there forever. Ash doesn’t think he will ever regret his choice.
Until he runs into FUCKING ARCEUS in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD.
“Ash! I heard you don’t want to be a trainer? Because if you don’t, you could always be the Pokémon? I might be able to switch places with you and Pikachu.”
”wouldn’t that be illegal?”
”nah, still counts as a Pokémon battle if your a Pokémon technically lol.”
”oh shit then lets do it, you alright with that Zeus?”
‘Yeah man let’s Pika fucking do it.”
“ALL RIGHT THEN KIDS!”
All of a sudden a magical girl transformation occurs with sparkles and magic and ✨stars✨ causing them to all of a sudden have I.D.’s stating that yeah, this is fucking real. Suck it MOM.
“Oh and yeah, Ash, you are my adopted son now and technically a legendary Pokémon sooooo….. have fun meeting your siblings. Oh and here’s a crowbar.” He says as returns to the heavens like God. Because you know, he is.
“Does that mean I don’t have to call Dalia mom anymore? Well I'm saying yes because she was always to busy fucking Mr. Mime to take care of me. I literally have not thought of her as mom for like… 3 years now holy shit.”
“Pika Pika holy fuck kid do you need a therapist?? Or your dad to come back???”
“No I’m fine. Oh hey look! The crowbar has my name on it! Now let’s go beat up a child’s Pokémon.” (He’s crying btw he’s never had affection before that wasn’t necessary from Dalia. She sucks.)
“Pika okay??? I guess to get your mind off things. Oh look! Up ahead! There is a child…” They say with a sinister grin wile still worrying for Ash in their head.
Ash wipes the tears off his face. “Yeah. Act normal first though. I wanna freak them the hell out.” He replied, matching Pikachu’s smirk.
As they walk up to the child ‘hidden’ alongside the road,
”oh man, I hope there’s nobody on this road. I would hate to battle against somebody. My Pokémon are so bad.”
the kid jumps out of the bushes unsurprisingly but tumbles down and lands on his face. The kid then jumps back up a stick in their hair somehow. “You! I challenge you to a Pokémon battle! My names Terri! And I’ll take you down!”
”oh my arceus, that’s so unexpected oh well. I guess we have to do it now.” Zeus jumps down from Ash’s shoulder and gives ash a nod.
’Terri summons out Rattata!’
‘Zeus Blitz Zapatouille summons out Ash Ketchum!’
“wait shouldn’t your Pokémon be in front of you? Why are you in front of your Pokémon? They can’t battle correctly if you do that you know.”
“Bold of you to assume I’m not the Pokémon.”