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I wasn't able to tell you/미처 말하지 못했어
My life has been a continuous cycle of getting up, get ready for school, study in school, training, do homework, and then sleep. If there's a competition, then I just miss out school the whole day after competing.
It sounds so boring, right?
I never thought things would change until senior year.
Joshua Hong. He happened.
I didn't know that stars could appear in broad daylight, turns out I just needed to look in his eyes. While he was with his friend group, laughing to his heart's content, something inside me felt like something was starting.
I didn't mind it at first but I didn't know that it was already love at first sight.
There's just something with this Joshua Hong. Whenever I look at him... it seems like time seems to stop, butterflies around him slow down, my lips quiver into a smile.
I didn't know what kind of sorcery it was but not that I'm complaining.
The first time that we talked before, I used to be a confident guy.
However after that one moment when I started feeling something, I can't help but stutter and avoid his gaze whenever we interact. I felt so stupid and embarrassed! I wanted to be swallowed!
January 1978.
The qualifiers for the olympics came which I've waited for the past 5 years of training. Its the farthest I've gotten in my athlete career and winning this would mean that I get to compete in the olympics! That would be amazing, don't you think?
All I needed was to win that competition... All I needed was to swim the fastest out of all the people in that pool... If only I've been 0.63 seconds quicker, I could've gotten that gold medal and got to go to the olympics.
Everybody was trying to console me. But I wouldn't say their words were making the situation any better, in fact, they are making it worse.
"What a shame..." I heard someone from the audience say. I'm a failure, I know.
"Let's do better next time!" My coach gripped my shoulder and gave a weak smile. If only I did better now...
"Its ok, sometimes life is like that." My dad said while driving on our way home when I wasn't uttering a single word and just had my eyes fixated on the road, thinking about what happened earlier. I could've kicked harder, held in my breath a bit longer, reached farther.
After the competition, I didn't bother coming to school.
I don't know... I can't stand seeing other people, knowing what's already in their mind. I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror when all I could see was failure.
I was just letting the bed rot me away, not bothering to get up and get some food nor wash up. I didn't even try to live.
"Is anyone home!" I heard a voice from our front door. I'm sure it wasn't my dad, it sounded like a teenager. My cousin? They live far away... But I don't want to stand up...
"Hello?!" I was forced to stand up and open the door, not bothering to fix my messed up self before opening it to see the person I least expected.
For the first time that week, I actually felt something.
I heard my heart beating, my mind working, my energy returning.
"Hi um... Lee Seokmin, right?" Seeing his smile felt like whatever illness I have, chronic or not, he would cure them all.
"Y-yes." I cleared up my throat and avoided his eyes as usual.
"Um...Have some muffins! I'll go now." Joshua just shoved the tray of muffins on me and run off like a shy kid who confessed to his crush. I couldn't help but chuckle, the first time I actually had the energy to smile that week or even made any noise at all.
I settled the tray down on the kitchen table, biting my lower lip in excitement.
Did he bake these? I didn't know he could bake...It looks so good!
I opened the cover of the tray, a piece of paper falling as I raised the cover.
A letter?
Great job :) You're the best!
If you think you failed, I'm here to tell you that you didn't!
If you think didn't do good, I'm here to tell you that you were amazing!
If you think you didn't do enough, I'm here to tell you that there are people kicking, paddling, and holding their breath with you every time you swim!
I cut classes just so I could watch your competition, you know...
But I didn't regret it even though you didn't win because I got to see how amazing you are!
You love muffins, right? You did well in the competition so you deserve it <3 eat well, our golden 물개 (seal) <3
I live in a society where loving the same sex was forbidden.
I live in a household where I have a religious and traditional parents.
I live in a space where I believed what people say I should be.
What are those terms? Homosexual? Bisexual? I know there will be more terms as no one could really predict what kind of person they'll fall in love with but for me, one thing's for sure:
On January 1978, I was able to confirm... That I'm in love with Joshua Hong.
But then I suddenly realized...
"Ah!!!!!" I LOOKED LIKE A MESS IN FRONT OF HIM! HELL, I THINK I EVEN SMELL! SHIT!
The next day, I made sure that I would look my best. Use my father's gel to make my hair look cooler and stylish, use his perfume too so he won't remember how I smelled the previous day, and even practiced how I would start a conversation with him.
I've never had any crush on anyone before...I didn't have the time to nor had the interest.
I just want to get close to him! He doesn't have to like me back cause I know I'll never have a chance. I just want to be with him, even if just as a best friend.
I was looking forward to meeting him today that I went to school early, watching as the students go inside one by one.
I wait with a smile, not caring if I look like an idiot or not the usual nonchalant athlete that I was. I just wanted to see him. Today's the day that I will approach him, confident enough to interact with him.
"5 minutes til the bell rings..." He's not late usually... For all I know, he's one of the early birds in the campus.
Oh well, its possible that he's late. I'll just head in class and approach him on the break period later.
'Hi, Joshua! Thanks for the muffins!' Should I go for the bright greeting?
'Hey, Joshua Hong, right? The muffins were great...' Nonchalant?
'Um...hey Joshua. The muffins tasted good.' Shy?
'Josh! More muffins please!' Shameless?
The teacher was unusually...down today. He would usually walk in the classroom looking mad as if the whole class failed and has disappointed him. It looks like there's some really bad news today.
"Good morning, class. Before we have our morning prayers today." Our school conducts morning prayers everyday. As a class, we recite 3 long prayers then we have 1 minute for prayer intentions. Looks like something really did happen?
"Let's all include in our prayer intentions the soul of one of the seniors that passed away yesterday." Everyone in the class looked at each other, visibly shocked by the news. If there's one thing in this all boys school, every single one we treat as our brother so hearing that one of us passed, we would feel down.
"Let's pray for the soul of Joshua Hong."
But I liked you/다만 너를 좋아했어
Oh to have a Lee Seokmin in your life? You would be the luckiest girl I know!!!!
I already know it would be a girl...Ugh its like a sin for men to like men in this world.
But that's ok! I can still be his friend! I just don't know how... Every time I talk to him its like he hates me? He doesn't look at me, barely talks to me, ignores me...
How did I like him? Oh simple! He has a great heart!
Men are basically all the same! We only differ when it comes to our heart.
Seokmin's heart is full of gold, you know.
Even if he was busy with his trainings, he would still go to school and ask around what he missed. Not like the others that let others run after them.
After training, even if he was tired, he would still make time to go the the grade school boys and play with them for a bit before going home.
When he doesn't have training, he would clean with the janitors til every nook and cranny was spotless. Which says a lot when boys can't be prim and proper like ladies ugh if boys were the only ones left on this planet, it would be a mess.
Lastly, you know, he rarely smiles but when he does...Ugh why hasn't everyone in this school turned gay yet?
No? Just me? Hehe.
How can I describe it? His eyes disappear as he smiles, his eyebrows go angry its so cute, his mouth is wide open, and what's funny is he doesn't laugh, instead he claps :( like a seal :( he's so freakin cute why is he like this?!
And!!! Seals are my favorite animal! Their so cute with their round eyes, cute small tail, wittle whiskers, and chubby body!!!
As a natural extrovert, I've surrounded myself with a lot of friends! Its just that my crush is the only one I haven't befriended... How do I start???
But no one knows about me liking men...Only my mom. If my dad knew? psh, I'd be dead! He wouldn't even let me cook or do girly things! But my mom? When I came out to her...Can I just say that to every Joshua Hong in every universe or in every life, I hope you have a mom like her because if not, I'm the luckiest Joshua Hong ever!
Actually today...I have a Chemistry exam hehe...and today is Seokmin's qualifiers for theolympics hehe...
Hehe! HEHE!
Of course I'd skip class just to watch his competition! I can just take the exam again! Even though I think the teacher won't let me...But who knows when I'll ever get to see Seokmin swim live again?
If he goes to the olympics, I won't be able to see it live! Then after the olympics, he'll be famous so his tickets to his competitions will be expensive! Who knows if this will be my last chance?
I have to go!
I can see that he was very nervous as he inhales and exhales slow and shakes his whole body to let out all the nervousness before stepping on the platform.
I've never been a fan of sports in general but seeing how cool he is when swimming? I have learned all the rules, the strokes, the measurements of the pool, the processes of cleaning a pool, all that stuff! If only swimming had its own language, I would've learned that too!
The oxygen in my body slowly leaves as I hold my breathe the second he dived into that pool. It was freestyle 200M, he's the best at these! In all his competitions, this is the one he's been breaking records.
I stump my feet as if I'm the one swimming too and my arms alternately move as if I'm paddling with him. I intensely watch as he and the other guy at the other lane swims close to the finish line.
All I could here was a beep and everyone, including the swimmers, look at the board.
Damn, 0.54-- i mean 0.63 seconds. Gosh I'm bad at math! Oh wait! Shit he lost!
I saw how disappointed he looked. I would've wanted it if he expressed any anger like hitting the water or rolling his eyes...but he just quietly got off the pool and went in the changing room.
He's going to school tomorrow anyway! I can cheer him up! My father's off to a business trip so my mom can help me bake the muffins I've been trying to perfect for a while hehe.
Always remember that when you are sad, food will make you glad!
"Hey is Lee Seokmin around?" I asked one of his classmates that was near the doorframe, they just shook their head in reply.
He didn't go today and the rest of the day this week...
I know its only natural to feel sad about what happened that day but...I hope he's eating well... He hasn't come to training either...
Ugh now I'm sad :( and my muffins too!
Oh wait...I can just...I can just give this to him!
But I'm shy...
But my muffins will get expired if I don't give this to him! Right! I will go to his house right now for the muffins!
"Is anybody home!" I screamed cause noone was answering my knocks on the door. If no one will answer, I guess I can just wait here?
"Hello?!" My last effort to see if anybody will answer. Then I hear footsteps approaching...The door flew open, revealing a very cutely looking... depressed Seokmin. He also got thinner...He hasn't been eating :(
"Hi um... Lee Seokmin, right?" I pretended like I didn't know him cause it always felt like he didn't know my existence. Why am I getting shy now?! I was confident in knocking earlier!
"Y-yes." I hear him clear his throat. Oh my god is he mad that I visited him?! Maybe he wanted time alone...I'm ruining this!!!
"Um...Have some muffins! I'll go now." Like an idiot that I am, I shoved the tray of muffins on his chest and ran off. Gosh he will remember how much of an idiot I am!!!
But whatever, I just hope he gets to read my note! And I hope it consoles him :)
Now I have an excuse to approach him tomorrow, right?
Will he go to school tomorrow though?
Speaking of tomorrow, ugh! I have a test! I'll jus--
Like a dream from the younger days/어린 날의 꿈처럼
"Joshua Hong from section 95, sir?" Seokmin had to confirm if what he heard was true. He didn't want to believe any of this is true that maybe he's just having a dream--a nightmare rather.
"Yes, Seokmin. He was a victim of a hit-and-run. They tried to save him but he lost too much blood that he was dead on arrival." His teacher devastatingly said.
Everyone knew Joshua as the bright kid that everyone was lucky to know. Who would've thought that he would be taken out of this world this early? It seems like God really picks out the beautiful things in his garden, huh?
As soon as Seokmin heard it, he was still in denial that he had to run out of there, out of this place, and go to Joshua's house to know that he's alove, he's there, he's standing, he's smiling. He needed to see him.
"No...No..." When Seokmin did arrive at Joshua's house, there was already a funeral being held with a big picture of Joshua there, smiling. The smile that he used to love. He will no longer see.
Don't you find death so strange? Its like a joke. It feels like people won't really die, they'll just sleep for a really long time.
Seokmin had to drag his feet to the altar where the coffin was, finding the strength to see who was inside.
"Hi, Joshua." He put his hand on the glass cover, as if caressing his cheeks. "The muffins were great. I would've loved to have more of them." Right then, Seokmin couldn't stop himself from breaking down.
Now Mrs. Hong knows who her son has been having a crush on. She helped her son bake those muffins so she knew how much of Joshua's love was in them.
She went up to Seokmin and engulf him into a hug, consoling the young boy who was uncontrollably sobbing in her arms.
"Joshua would be happy to know that you loved them." Mrs. Hong whimpered, trying to be strong for the both of them. She was doing what her son would do, she would hug Seokmin and console him just like what he did with the muffin and the note.
The two spent time talking about Joshua, kind of reliving his memories. Seokmin was able to find out a lot about him, wishing he could've seen it with his own two eyes when Joshua was here.
When dawn came, Seokmin had to go home. Still feeling like he was stuck in an endless dream where he had to live in a world where Joshua Hong won't exist but his memories.
"Do you know what hurts more?" He looked up at the moon as if it was the deceased.
"That I wasn't able to tell you how I feel." Seokmin wasn't confident enough. Hell, he was even in denial.
"I like you, Joshua Hong." Hoping the heavens could deliver this message to him.