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There was never really any doubt that Hongjoong would kill himself. He mentioned it once or twice in some deep voice message conversation at 3am after some shit went down at school.
Shit always went down at school, at least for Hongjoong. Seonghwa went to a different one; it was alright he guessed… school’s never really “good” but it wasn’t that shithole so he took what he could get.
Seonghwa had a lot of friends. Hongjoong didn’t.
Seonghwa was mildly popular at school, one of the kids everyone knows and treats with some half assed respect when confronted. Hongjoong was the weird kid, one who hid in the toilets at lunch only to get kicked out by a teacher and walk around the school on their own.
Seonghwa always had someone to talk to, to laugh at and make jokes with. Hongjoong only had Seonghwa.
He left Hongjoong on delivered more times than he was willing to admit just to finish a conversation he was having with someone else. Hongjoong opened his messages as soon as he sent them.
Seonghwa muted his phone to stop the endless string of “whoever has sent you a message” and “some random bitch commented or liked your story”. Hongjoong always had his phone on max volume and notification settings just so he could respond quicker to Seonghwa, or be the first to order merch or a new album by some group he liked.
Hongjoong loved music. Constantly having at least one earphone in with nirvana or some indie or metal group Seonghwa had never heard of before playing. He loved just talking about them, all the members, all the new songs, different moments they shared on stage and who was shipped with who. Seonghwa only listened half the time.
He tried to be interested… at least that’s what he told himself.
Hongjoong ranted on and on about these people Seonghwa had never heard of before, stopping only to brush his long brown hair away from his face that was so skinny and pale it might have just belonged to a ghost. According to him, Seonghwa was all he needed.
He said that too many friends were overrated and he’d rather just keep to himself " ‘caus people wouldn’t get him."
He was right of course, no one really “got” him. Most people just saw him and walked in the opposite direction at school. Seonghwa didn’t know this until one of those voice messages.
He never talked about his school much to be fair. Most times when Seonghwa tried to bring it up it was always “It’s a shit-fest with a bunch of stuck-up pricks who are either to busy trying to fuck the nearest underage girl, or too busy trying to use fake IDs at the co-op round the corner, what more is there?”
Seonghwa guessed he always knew Hongjoong had a date and a plan. Once it was let slip to him on voice message, and he almost cried as he sent an 8-minute response back, saying that he knew he couldn’t stop him, but at least to promise to tell Seonghwa when things got that bad. After that he saw his bitmojie disappear from the screen, it didn’t re appear till slightly later the next day, when the messages had deleted automatically from the chat.
They never talked about it again really.
Well, there was that time when Seonghwa mentioned Hongjoong telling him when it got to that point, and he responded with “I probably won’t but I promise it will at least cross my mind.”
He did stick to that promise. He did let Seonghwa know when he was on the edge, it just hadn’t been the metaphorical edge he had meant.
--
It was 5pm when Seonghwa's phone first rang. It was the basic android ringtone, annoying and repetitive, but something that was decently easy to tune out.
And that’s what he did.
He tuned it out.
Without a care in the world, Seonghwa merely continued to glare at the screen infront of him, responding to all the messages he could from this weird ass discord server he had somehow been added to. The phone stopped ringing. Seonghwa continued to type.
The phone rang again.
He glanced over at it this time, checking the contact that glowed dimly on the screen.
Hongjoong.
He never called. He always went on about how “I literally only talk to you in person, calls waste time, just come over if you wanna talk.” Seonghwa called him a hypocrite because they literally voice messaged all the time.
He had said that was different.
----
DISCORD KITTENZZZZZZZZ (Hwa if you leave I will disown you)
WOOO! : NO IT WAS SANS FAULT BFR BITCH!!
MOUNTAIN MAN: OK STFU YOU HOE.
WOOO! : GVUHIFHDJFN LMAO UR SO FUKIN-
Baby boy <3: I SWEAR IF YOU CALL HIM HOT AGAIN…
WOOO! : I WASN’T- im literally... HWA BACK ME UP!!
@star_hwa
@star_hwa
star_hwa : Hold on Hongjoong callin me, ill respond in a bit
YUNNIE: OH that weird boy ur friends w?
WOOO! : CANT U ANSWER L8R!??? WE NEED YOU
Tell him to like go make some more friends
he need em.
HetHet: lol.
MOUNTAIN MAN: @star_hwa where u go?
@star_hwa
@star_hwa
--
Seonghwa slammed the computer shut, ignoring the texts and pulling the still ringing mobile into his hand. Swiping up on the little phone icon, he pressed the slightly warm screen to his cheek.
“What’s up?” Seonghwa asked, adjusting himself to sit more comfortably. There were loud noises coming from the other end of the line, it sounded almost like the inside of a washing machine.
“I- uhm. Well, you told me to tell you.” Hongjoong's voice sounded thick and faded, hard to hear over whatever was in the background.
“Tell me what? Where are you anyway, on your way to mine? It’s loud as fuck where you are, sounds like you’re above a road or something.”
An uncertain laugh crackled through the speaker, it sounded forced and so… so sad.
“Hongjoong?” Dread suddenly ran down Seonghwa's spine, it trickled along his arms and into his toes. “Where… where are you?”
“So, you know how you said I sounded like I was above a road?” There it was again. That forced huff of humour that sounded so pitiful.
“Joong…” Seonghwa barley managed to choke out, the reality of the situation settling itself deep into his bones, right into the marrow, and then even deeper to what was inside of that. “Look, I know yo- “
“Hwa… don’t. Don- don’t try to stop me, please. I only called you ‘caus I feel like I owed you this much.”
“You don’t owe me anything”.
“Oh Hwa” he sighed, the thick edge still ever present in his voice “I’m sorry.”
“Where are you?” Seonghwa managed to get out, the lump in his throat had started to lift upwards, bringing with it such an acidic sting it brought tears to his already misty eyes.
A laugh sounded again; the huff of melancholy so strong that it could probably affect Jesus Christ himself.
“Aish… I’m not telling you. Just don’t stop me okay, I- I want this. I promise I want this. It’s not like- like a last minute ‘hey I wanna die’ you know.”
You could almost hear the strained humour that tinted those words.
“Hongjoong.”
“Hwa… please. Please just- I don’t know just… don’t make this harder.” The voice thickened. Seonghwa nearly choked on his next words.
“Okay. But… can I say goodbye, just please-" He rushed to finish the sentence as he heard the sigh echo through the speaker. “Please… I just- just let me hug you. Please, I just want to hug you and be with yo-“
Seonghwa's voice cracked violently. He pressed his shaky hand harder into the phone, pushing the screen against his lips as he felt salty tears burn at his eyes.
“I can’t.”
“Please. Just that, please. No police or parents or anything else. I know what they’d do if they found out you wanted to die. That’d just kill you more. I KNOW, okay I know- and I- I- I- just please.” The pleading whispers tore through his throat as the words just tumbled out.
“Please… just, one hug. I just want to see you and hear you and i- I don’t know just PLEASE. Where are you?”
“You can hear me though. That’s why I called you.”
“It’s not the same. I cant hear the way your breath changes when you get excited, I can’t see you- your lips twitch sidewards when you’re cursing one of those bastards from your school, I can’t. It’s NOT the same” Seonghwa emphasised, reaching his other hand up to help support the phone that was daring to slip out of his sweat slicken grasp.
“Ayyyy. You understand now huh? See it’s different.” The attempt at banter was so weak it was pitiful.
“I’ve always understood.” A small huff sounded from the line at that, barely distinguishable from the roaring of vehicles below but still there. There was still life. That huff was the life in him, he was still alive.
“I know you have. And I love you for it. I love you for you.”
"Don’t- I know this world it shit and- and… Just. Please. Let me see you, hold you – ANYTHING JUST… please” Seonghwa's chest had fallen right against the desk, shaking and sweaty elbows sprawled uselessly to the side as the hard surface dug into his ribcage. The phone almost slipped away again.
“Thank you Hwa. Thankyou.” His voice cracked slightly as Seonghwa heard a shift of fabric, the roar of the cars got slightly louder, and the wind seemed to pick up. No. please.
"Joong, I’m so, so sorry. I should be there, I need to-"
“You don’t need to do anything alright.” He cut in, the thickness slightly dying from his tone. “You’re perfect. I loved the time we had together, it’s something I shall always hold close to me, I swear. But I wasn’t made for this world, and you know it. I love you Hwa.” A slight pause… then. “More than you could ever imagine.”
A sudden rush of wind sped through the speaker, loud and harsh matched with the sudden growing of the traffic that was obviously below.
The phone beeped. Seonghwa didn’t even need to look at the screen to see that it said, “line disconnected”.
Hongjoong would never hang up.
Without even thinking, Seonghwa dropped the phone to the carpeted floor beside him. His mind was blank, clear. His body was sweaty and shaky. His face was salty and wet. Yet there were no emotions running through him. Nothing at all. Seonghwa was empty.
Pushing himself up, he sat straight again, moving a shivering hand to his laptop. The screen lit up as he opened it, switching from the bright lock screen to the discord chat he had forgot to reply to.
---
DISCORD KITTENZZZZZZZZ (Hwa if you leave I will disown you)
WOOO! : HWAAAAAAA
Bro just leave him honestly.
It’s not like he has anything important to say.
MINGLESSSSS: NO FR THO
Some of my friends from that school say he’s a total weirdo
Don’t hang around him hwa, you’ll get a bad rep
Isnt he like emo asf aswellllllllllll??
MOUNTAIN MAN: ISN’T HE LIKE A FURRY OR SMTHN
WAIT HE’S PART OF A CULT I SWEAR DOWNNNNN
AND A DRUGGIE LIKE BRO
WOOO! : WAIT FRFR??
Baby boy <3 : I heard that too icel
HetHet: lol.
---
Before Seonghwa even knew what was happening, he felt his fist swing into the screen. It felt good, the glass shattering into his knuckles, the flicker of colours as the little lines appeared around the hole.
It felt good.
The anger.
Not the pain.
That’s where Seonghwa lost control, though he supposed be never really had any to start with. He stormed up from his seat, past the fallen phone and through the slightly ajar door of his room. His shaky legs however could only carry him so far before giving up. Stumbling to the heated floor, Seonghwa dragged himself to the painted wall in front of him.
Tears started to spill again as he bashed his head against the wall of the landing. All there was, all he felt… was pain. Seonghwa's head grew sore and started to ring, void of all thoughts.
All thoughts but one.
As he felt the first trickle of liquid snake its way down his neck, words formed in his mind. Words he wished the whole world could hear, just this once. Words that Seonghwa wanted people to listen to and understand, to feel pain and guilt from.
So much guilt.
Hongjoong was perfect in all ways. It wasn’t the fact that he wasn’t made for this world. This world, this fucking abominable piece of shit people call earth, and every tiny, unimportant fucker that call themselves humans, they weren’t made for him, no one was made for him. The world wasn’t good enough for him.
There was never really any doubt that Hongjoong would kill himself. The only doubt was how much the world would lose from his death. But now that wasn’t a doubt.
The world lost everything good, everything pure.
The world lost its life.