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Waverly can tell that Nicole’s struggling.
Nicole doesn’t say anything, but Waverly knows her girlfriend - her fiancée, she thinks with a happy little giggle - and she knows when Nicole isn’t feeling like herself.
That light isn’t shining in her eyes nearly as much as it used to. It’s there more than it was when Waverly got back, and it’s showing more and more ever since the engagement, but it’s still not nearly as bright as Waverly remembers it.
Nicole’s still twitchy too, whenever there’s a loud noise, and with Wynonna not being the quietest of people, that happens far more than Waverly wishes it did. Well, she wishes it didn’t happen at all, but it’s a two or three time occurrence per day.
Nicole doesn’t check the traps as often as she used to, because they’ve talked about it and Waverly’s helped convince her that they’re safe here ( together) but she still checks them twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night.
Nicole always held the door open for Waverly when they entered a room, because she’s so sweet, but now it’s different. She does it like she suspects that there’s always something around the corner, about to jump out at them. She always has her hand on her hip, where her gun would be if she was still a cop, and it breaks Waverly’s heart that Nicole’s so accustomed to this kind of danger.
That all happens at the Homestead though, because Nicole doesn’t really go into town….at all. If she does, it’s in the morning when there aren’t many people around, and it’s always with either Wynonna or Waverly, if not both. Waverly tries to ask about it, but Nicole just shuts her down, eyes flitting around and looking everywhere but at Waverly.
She understands that Nicole was alone for so long - she’s cried more than a couple times at the thought of Nicole just being alone and without her - and that there’s things that she’s not proud of, Clanton bargain included. Waverly’s just doing her best to help Nicole understand that it’s okay, and that nothing would ever make Waverly think any less of her.
Because Waverly loves her with her whole heart (and then some) so there’s really nothing that Nicole could do that would make Waverly feel anything but complete and utter adoration for her.
Plus, they’re getting married .
Which is just absolutely incredible, because she’s marrying Nicole Haught , and there’s nothing in her life that she’s ever wanted more.
Nicole’s hurting though, and as much as Waverly would love to just drown - poor choice of words, because that image of Nicole drowned and dead will haunt her nightmares for months, if not longer - in their love for each other, she knows that Nicole needs her to do more than that right now.
And Waverly will, because she’ll do anything for Nicole.
So, she finds herself wrapped up in three blankets as she watches Nicole, who’s standing in a pit fixing what looks like a bear trap. It’s early - too early, frankly - but Nicole’s alarm went off so there was really nothing Waverly can do but follow her.
“You really don’t need to come if you don’t want to Waves,” Nicole offers, not looking up as she opens the trap, Waverly wincing at the sight of Nicole’s hand in it, even if she knows that her fiancée knows she’s doing. “Rachel and I have been setting the traps for eight….for a long time. Not that you need any beauty sleep, because you’re already the prettiest, but you can take more if you want.”
“What I want is to be out here with you. My fiancée,” Waverly grins, unable to stop the smile that graces her face. It’s dopey, and she’s thankful that Wynonna’s not out here to rip into them, because the same one graces Nicole’s beautiful beautiful face as she looks up at her for a second. “Oh, watch the trap though!”
Nicole chuckles, shaking her head before she looks back to it, setting it fully again before she stands up and hefts herself out of the pit. “Baby, I promise I know what I’m doing,” she reassures, and Waverly smiles softly as she looks up, because she’d never question Nicole’s survival skills, not for a second. “And you….you’re going to get the bonus blankets covered in dirt if you keep dragging them around.”
“These are just the normal blankets, you doof,” she teases, and Nicole huffs out a laugh. “Because my bonus blanket is right here,” Waverly grins as she wraps her hands around Nicole’s waist, pulling her close.
Nicole lets out a shaky breath though, and the Earp knows that it happens sometimes when she’s still taking in the fact that Waverly’s even here at all. Her arms do eventually come to wrap around Waverly though, and she feels the kiss on the top of her head as Nicole lets out another breath before pulling her even closer.
“I love you,” Waverly lets out into her chest, because she knows that Nicole needs to hear it. Needs to know that she’s here , with her.
“I….I love you too Waves. More than anything,” Nicole reciprocates, and Waverly knows that she means it with every fibre of her being. Because Nicole Haught is a straight shooter, sure, but she also loves with her whole heart, and Waverly’s so lucky to be the one that gets to receive that love.
Wynonna gets it too, Waverly can tell. She doesn’t know what exactly went on in the brief period of time that she was ‘gone’ before Wynonna joined them, but she knows that something happened between the two of them that brought them closer together.
She suspects it has something to do with the little limp that Nicole keeps trying to hide, and the fact that Rachel already seemed to know Wynonna and how to deal with her particular brand of snark.
She’ll need to chat with Rachel a bit more about it, because they’ve only really talked a couple times about anything of substance, and Waverly can tell that she’s a little bit nervous to tell her about Nicole, and what exactly happened during that time away.
All Waverly knows is that it was bad. That Nicole lost everything.
First she lost Waverly, and then she lost Wynonna, and at some point she lost her job, even if she won’t talk about that just yet.
They’re making progress, because Nicole’s started talking about little things that happened, but there’s still so much that Waverly wants to know, because she desperately wants to make that ache in Nicole’s chest go away.
It’s not that easy though, because even if they’re not as prevalent as they once were - both through time spent together and Nicole tamping them down - the signs are still there, that Nicole isn’t quite herself.
She’s still the woman that Waverly loves, but she’s still a little bit different.
And Waverly doesn’t want to try to change Nicole, but she can tell that she’s not….well, Nicole’s happy, but she isn’t happy .
Not like she deserves to be.
A large part of that is her job, and as much as Wynonna and Waverly both have been trying to push Nicole a bit more in that direction, they haven’t been able to get her all the way there. Ultimately, it is Nicole’s choice, and Waverly respects that, but she knows that her baby won’t be truly happy if she’s not wearing that badge.
Waverly’s not going to push though, because Nicole doesn’t need that right now. She’s acclimating to having Waverly back - it’s still insane to Waverly that eighteen months passed, when it only felt like hours - and they’re engaged , and as long as Nicole’s with her, that’s enough.
The rest will come with time.
“Not even outside is safe,” Wynonna groans from afar, and Waverly can feel Nicole sigh as she pulls away.
She also sees Nicole’s hand go to her hip, to where her holster should be. She thinks it’s more of an interruption thing than a Wynonna thing though.
She hopes, anyway.
“We’re cuddling,” Waverly retorts, sticking her tongue out at Wynonna who just groans even louder. She suspects that love might be a touchy subject for Wynonna right now, things with Doc being as they are.
That doesn’t mean she’s going to stop being affectionate with Nicole though, no ma’am.
“Sorry Wynonna,” Nicole gets out, and that stops Waverly for a second because that’s not like her. Giving up so easily without even a retort that Wynonna can spike back their way. That’s their relationship, but for some reason Nicole doesn’t even attempt it.
It must throw Wynonna as well, and Waverly meets her sister’s eyes as she comes closer. “You know that I’m just fucking with you Haught Shot. Make out with the top of my baby sister’s head as much as you want to.”
Nicole still looks a little bit uncomfortable, her eyes flitting from the trap to Wynonna before going back to Waverly, and finally to the trap again. “I um….still. I’m sorry,” Nicole says, and it’s obvious now that the PDA isn’t exactly what she’s apologizing for.
Nicole does it so blatantly sometimes. Demeaning herself. It’s so far from the Nicole Haught that Waverly knows that it’s hard to compute sometimes. Not that Nicole never felt bad or had doubts, because she did, but she was never so…open with them.
Nicole’s confident in herself. Has been since the day that she walked into Shorty’s and changed Waverly’s life. Now though, she just looks uncomfortable in her own skin, like she’s worried about every step that she’s making, and that’s so at odds with how she used to be that Waverly’s still not sure what to do with it sometimes.
Because Nicole didn’t do anything wrong, and there’s nothing that she should be apologizing for. She kept the Homestead safe, she kept a teenager safe, and she waited for Waverly. There’s nothing she could have done more, but Nicole obviously doesn’t see it like that, the flippant way that she demeans herself or downplays every achievement she’s ever had.
Waverly hates it, because Nicole Haught is extraordinary.
“Baby….” Waverly starts to reach out before Nicole steps back, taking a breath.
“I’m….I’m going to go take a look at another one of the traps,” Nicole says, and Waverly sighs, because she knows that means that Nicole wants to be alone. “I’ll see you inside?”
“Sure….sure thing sweetie,” Waverly forcibly smiles. She can see Wynonna out of the corner of her eye, watching them, and Nicole just forces a similar smile to her face. “Give those skunks the best darn milking they’ve ever had!”
“What…..the….fuck,” Wynonna says after Nicole’s left, and it takes Waverly a second to understand exactly how to respond to that.
“Do you mean the skunk milking, or Nicole?”
“We’ll get to the skunk milking later. Unless that’s a lesbian sex thing, and then we can just skip right on by,” Wynonna physically hops, and Waverly can’t help her laughter, because even if she’s clearly not feeling her best, that is still Wynonna, through and through. “I thought Nicole was doing better.”
“She is,” Waverly says, Nicole not even looking back as she turns to go to the other side of the Homestead. “She’s just….you know Nicole. She’s so charming and she’s just so….”
“She’s got some fat big dick energy,” Wynonna offers, and Waverly’s face scrunches up for a second, even if it’s not entirely inaccurate.
“I was going to say self-confident. But not in a snooty way!”
“I know what you mean baby girl. She knew what she was doing and she trusted herself when she did it,” Wynonna offers, and Waverly hums because that’s exactly right.
“She’s….she’s not like that anymore. She doesn’t think that she’s made the right decisions in the last eighteen months, and she’s apologizing for everything,” Waverly sighs, shaking her head. “Last night I was looking for those cute pyjama pants, the ones with the little kitty cat faces on them, and Nicole said that they had to use them when she cut herself on one of the traps, and she just started apologizing and talking about how she wished she had done better and…..it’s so sad , Wynonna.”
“Haught Stuff’s been alone for a long time,” Wynonna offers, and it being said so straightforward always breaks Waverly’s heart. “It takes time Waves. Not much you can do but stick around.”
“I know,” Waverly sighs, looking at her feet, because even if she’d already come to understand that herself, it helps to know that Wynonna agrees with the decision. Still, it sucks, and she hates it, but even if she hasn’t been for a lot of her life, she hopes that, for Nicole, she’s enough.
Waverly manages to make her way back inside, have a shower, and make breakfast before Nicole follows suit. She can see the tear tracks, but Nicole obviously didn’t want her to, so Waverly doesn’t ask
Which is awful, and makes her feel horrible, because after her parentage and Rosita, and everything , they agreed to never lie to each other about anything like that. So much has changed though, and Waverly’s not entirely sure if their old rules still apply.
“Baby!” She calls as Nicole turns to go upstairs, and it’s nice, the instantaneous smile that comes to Nicole’s face at the sight of her.
Even if everything’s changed, Waverly knows that their devotion to each other hasn’t.
Especially Nicole’s, because it would have been so easy - probably better for her, honestly, not that Waverly would never say that - for Nicole to leave, but she didn’t. Unlike everyone else, Nicole stayed .
It’s everything , and even though Waverly tries, she can’t even begin to describe just how much that means to her.
“Hi Waves,” Nicole smiles, and it’s a new kind of heartbreaking, the way that the smile is genuine and reaches Nicole’s eyes in the way that Waverly loves, even when those eyes look so sad and full of self-doubt. “Sorry I kind of ditched you there, I just…..I needed to work on that one.”
“It’s fine sweetie,” Waverly reassures, because the last thing that either of them need is Nicole hating herself even more for a little thing like that. “I was…..I was hoping we could do something today? Together? Not wedding planning or anything, but….go into town? Have a little day out like we used to?”
Nicole’s face falls as soon as Waverly says it, and she bites the inside of her cheek, looking anywhere but at her fiancée. “I don’t….I don’t know Waves,” Nicole stops and starts. Waverly lets her have that as she slowly approaches, resting her hand on top of Nicole’s on the bannister.
“I just….I’d want you to have a good time, right? And I’m not sure bringing me into town would...I just don’t think it would help with anything.”
There’s obviously something that Nicole’s keeping close to her chest, and it’s getting to the point where Waverly’s going to have to put her foot down, but, really, she’s only just gotten back, and they’re newly engaged, and hopefully they have all the time in the world to help Nicole through this.
Some pushing probably doesn’t hurt - Wynonna’s right to give Nicole time, but Waverly’s not going to do nothing - so she just squeezes Nicole’s hand in hopes of grounding her. “You sure? I’d really like to see how it’s all changed,” Waverly offers, and that sets something off in Nicole because her face hardens.
She doesn’t pull her hand away though.
“Yeah, well I’m sorry that I couldn’t do anything to stop that. Messed that up too,” Nicole mutters, and it still throws Waverly for a loop, because to voice that stuff without prompting is so unlike her Nicole.
“That’s….that’s not what I meant. Baby!”
Waverly calls up at Nicole as she turns to make her way up the stairs, and she definitely can’t have that. So she finds herself trailing in Nicole’s wake on the way to their bedroom.
Nicole hasn’t mentioned it explicitly, but she clearly doesn’t have her apartment anymore, so it is their room .
“You didn’t mess anything up,” Waverly pleads, and Nicole scoffs as she shakes her head. “You didn’t . You did more than pretty much anyone else would, and you waited for me when I would have completely understood if you didn’t. That’s enough , Nicole. More than.”
“But I….” Nicole groans, digging her palms into her eyes as she tries to think. “My best wasn’t good enough, Waverly. It just wasn’t . I know that you’re trying to….trying to make me feel better, and that means a lot, it really really does, but it doesn’t change the fact that I fucking failed.”
“Nicole…..”
Waverly knows that there’s tears in her eyes, and it stops Nicole in her tracks, because Waverly knows that she hates whenever her fiancée cries.
“I just…..I really really hate when you talk about yourself like that. You never used to,” Waverly stops, although it’s in that moment that she has a realization. “You….when Dolls….when he….you told Wynonna to drop you. So that she could save Dolls,” she reasons, and Nicole nods, because they’ve talked about that before. “Have you….have you always thought this stuff about yourself?”
“Not always,” Nicole says a second later, because even if Waverly tries not to abuse her power, she understands that Nicole can’t really say no to her. “I’m a cop, Waves. Was...was a cop,” she corrects, and that makes Waverly want to cry all over again. “It’s just...how I’m made, I guess. Put others before yourself.”
“That’s not what I’m asking….”
“I know,” Nicole sighs, biting the inside of her cheek as she looks down at the ground. “I guess there’s always been a part of me that thought that I could do better? That I wasn’t doing enough. It’s just….when you’ve failed in every possible way for eighteen months straight, it’s…..”
“Nicole.”
Waverly says it so firmly that it stops Nicole in her tracks, eyes narrowed as she stares up at the redhead.
“I don’t know how I’m going to get it into that head of yours but you didn’t fail . You didn’t.”
“But Waves, I….”
“You didn’t . And I know that it’s going to take time to get it into that beautiful head of yours, but it just really….it really grinds my gears when you talk like that about yourself. I hate it,” she states firmly, and Nicole’s eyes are wide as she looks back at her, on the verge of tears. That’s not what Waverly wants though. Not in the slightest.
“Baby….baby come here,” she asks, and Nicole complies, leaning down and pressing her face into the crook of Waverly’s shoulder. It’s awkward due to the height difference, but they fit so together so perfectly that, even with that, is there really any question that they were made for each other?
Waverly can feel Nicole crying against her shoulder, and she can tell that she’s about to apologize. Which is, again, not what she wants, so Waverly just rubs her back as she attempts to calm her a bit. “You don’t have anything to apologize for Nicole. I just want…..I just want you to love yourself the way that I do. And I know...I know it’s hard, and you went through so much baby - so much - but I want to be here for you. If you want me to be?”
“Forever,” Nicole gets out, and it’s always stopped Waverly’s heart, whenever either of them have talked about forever, but now that they’ve actually agreed on forever , and the rings on their fingers attest to this, it stops it in an entirely different way.
Now its more excitement that she’s feeling than giddy nerves, because they actually will have forever together.
“Forever,” Waverly reciprocates, giving Nicole another squeeze before she pulls away to look up at her face. “Promise that you’ll talk to me whenever you’re feeling bad? So I can remind my fiancée just how great and perfect and pretty she is,” she tries to brighten Nicole up.
It works, thank god, because Nicole cracks a smile before she shrugs a shoulder. “Promise,” Nicole says softly, audibly swallowing before she continues on. “As long as….it’s been a long eighteen months Waves, and it might not be….I don’t mean to do it, there’s just some things that you guys talk about that make me feel bad and….it’s almost like a reflex.”
That might be the saddest thing that Waverly’s heard Nicole say, ever . Nicole doesn’t need Waverly’s tears right now though.
“So just….if that happens, just understand that it’s sometimes not intentional? Just that it happens sometimes.”
“As long as you can accept me caring about you and being sad when it does,” Waverly smiles, and Nicole nods, and that seems like a good agreement to reach today.
“I think I can do that,” Nicole grins, and Waverly can’t think of a better time for a kiss before she stretches up to do just that. “Love you baby,” Nicole whispers against her lips and Waverly just hums in agreement.
She wants to do whatever she can to help her best baby, and she thinks they’re making progress.