Archive of Our Own

He shifts around in his seat and sighs. The therapist sitting in the only other armchair in the small office doesn’t say anything, just patiently waits for him to continue. He always does.

“At some point, sooner or later, I have to let them in. But last time, the same thing happened again. He looked like he might be ready to throw up. We kissed for a bit when he came over, but he suddenly made an excuse why he had to leave, and after that he told me he didn’t see a future with me.” With another loud sigh, he leans forward, burying his head in his hands, shaking it. “I can’t pretend I’m not the problem anymore. I’m nothing but a useless, stinky alpha.”

“Jisung…” she starts, and Jisung looks up at her, knowing very well what’s coming next. “I’m sure you’ll meet someone who’ll love your scent. You’ve just got to hang in there. Focus on other things.”

“Doctor, please, how long have I been coming here?” he asks, throwing his hands to the sides. “Two years? Three maybe? You know, I’ve tried. I’m just too self-conscious at this point to want to keep on trying. Maybe I just have to accept that I’ll never find a mate.”

Without a word, she gets up from her seat and walks around to her desk, opening a drawer. She looks to be hesitating for a moment, but then she picks up something and turns around. “I didn’t want to bring this up, and I hoped I would never have to, because I truly don’t recommend this,” she says as she sits down across from him again, holding some papers in a tight grip. “It’s a long and painful process to go through with, not to mention expensive. I can not reiterate enough that I do not recommend this, but—”

She tilts her chin down, looking over her glasses directly at Jisung who is furrowing his eyebrows confusedly. Finally, she sighs and hands out what turns out to be a pamphlet.

Jisung grabs it, no idea what to expect.

“‘Heegaard private medical center for scent conversion’,” he reads the headline out loud, and his stomach swoops. He reads it again to himself, staring at the words, then breaks out into a smile. When he looks up, his eyes are sparkling. “Is this real? They can change my scent? I didn’t even know this was possible! Why didn’t you tell me about it before?!”

She smiles warily. “As I said, it’s a painful process. But I am willing to write you a letter of referral. But I need you to go home and read this whole thing through and carefully consider it first.”

“I’ll do it!” Jisung says without hesitation.

“Jisung, I know you are very eager for this to happen, but even with this there are no guarantees.”

“I don’t care. I’ll do it.”

“Go home, think it over, and we’ll talk about it again next week.”

“I can’t believe you are actually going through with this,” Felix says and looks at Jisung with disbelief from across the kitchen table. It has papers strewn all over it; page after page explaining complications, the payment process, the facilities of the medical center, and several forms that need to be filled out.

“Nothing is set in stone yet. I’m only going to the second consultation tomorrow,” Jisung says to calm his best friend, but he’s already made up his mind. He has never been more sure of anything in his life. The first consultation here in the city went well, and when he was proved eligible for the treatment, he’d felt happier than in a long while. He has no reason not to go through with it, but every reason to go for it. This is his chance to get a life where he fits in and doesn’t have to worry about making people leave the room because of him.

“How are you even gonna pay for this?” Felix asks, his eyes growing large as he looks at the sum written on one of the pages.

Jisung looks down, his cheeks heating up. “Uhm, actually, I was hoping you’d drive me to the consultation tomorrow.”

“Don’t tell me you sold your fucking car?!”

“Holy fuck! No wonder it’s so expensive,” Felix says as he drives up the gravel driveway to the huge white mansion-like building that looks more like a fancy hotel than a medical center.

Jisung’s eyes are wide as well. He’d seen pictures, of course, but seeing it in real life…

“You know you don’t have to do this, Jisung,” Felix says as he parks the car and takes Jisung’s hand in his.

Jisung shakes his head. “Felix, even you have a problem being around me if I don’t use enough scent blockers.”

“I don’t!” Felix exclaims, but then wrinkles his nose. “I mean, I’ve grown used to it. It’s really not that bad…”

“You called me bitter burnt butter,” Jisung deadpans. “And I know that was you putting it lightly.”

“I was mad at you that day! Or I would’ve never—”

“Felix…” He gives him a telling look, and his best friend sighs, squeezing his hand. “I don’t know how long it’ll take today.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Felix says, shaking his head. “I got my phone, good music, and a bagel. Take all the time you need.”

“Thank you, Felix.” He returns the squeeze, feeling lucky that he’s got someone like him in his life after all.

He exits the car and his legs feel wobbly when he walks up the steps to the front door, his stomach full of butterflies, threatening to escape through his mouth. This might only be the second consultation, like he told Felix, but he already paid for the whole thing thanks to his car and a loan from the bank. This is it. He’s doing this.

There’s a sign by the front door, that makes him stop. “No entry without scent blockers”. He doesn’t know why it makes him nervous for a moment. Of course, he’s got scent blockers on, he never goes anywhere without at least double the patches and a spray just be sure. He takes a deep breath and enters.

Inside the lobby—which is very big and stylish—there’s another big sign, telling him the direction of the waiting room if he’s there for a consultation. He goes straight for it, entering a room where several people are waiting, and goes to announce his arrival before taking a seat himself.

It doesn’t take long before he’s tapping his fingers on his knee, and he has to remind himself to take deep breaths. The waiting is always the worst, but it’s his own fault for getting there so early, and there are at least five other people there waiting for the same thing as he is.

Then the same door he walked in opens, and Jisung automatically looks up to check the new arrival. Suddenly, every thought about deep breaths goes out the window.

The man that enters is breathtaking, handsome beyond words. Deep brown eyes, caramel brown hair, a beautiful jawline and to top it all off a nose that puts all other noses to shame.

The man goes to the front desk announcing his arrival like Jisung did, but he doesn’t catch his name, too far away to hear anything clearly. He sits down opposite Jisung, several feet away, and pulls out his phone. Realizing that he’s staring a little too obviously, Jisung mimics the action and pulls out his phone as well to distract himself.

But he keeps looking up from his phone—discreetly, he hopes—to steal another glance at the beautiful stranger. It’s ridiculous. Why would someone like him ever need to get his scent altered? Surely, if you look like that, your scent won’t mean a thing…

Suddenly, the stranger looks up and blinks rapidly as he meets Jisung’s eyes.

Jisung might as well just drop to the floor when he sees those stunning eyes directed at him. Fuck. His neck hair rises, and he fumbles with the phone in his hands, quickly looking down at it again as if nothing happened. After that, he doesn’t dare look up again.

“Lee Minho, we are ready for you now,” Jisung hears a nurse call a few minutes later, but he automatically looks up at her even though it isn’t his name being called. She’s standing with a clipboard, showing the way through another door.

Then there’s movement, and when Jisung turns his head, the stranger has gotten up from his seat. Jisung can’t help himself and stares as he walks past him, but then he looks at Jisung again. Jisung nearly falls off his chair when the stranger smiles at him before looking straight ahead, disappearing through the door that the nurse closes behind them.

Lee Minho.

Not long after, Jisung’s name is called and his stomach twists. Both because this is now getting very real, but he also can’t help but be a little disappointed that Lee Minho hasn’t come back so he could see him again. Hopeful, he looks down the hallway he steps into, but there’s nothing there but several doors. His beautiful stranger must be behind one of them.

He forgets about him as soon as he’s led to an office and sits down with a doctor, who goes through the steps of the process with him again. But Jisung practically knows it all by heart now, after meticulously reading and then rereading all the papers he was handed. First, he has to do two weeks of injections at home with liquid scent blockers. The injections will allow him to walk freely around and prepare him for the next step, which is a four to six week stay (depending on how well he responds to the medication) here at the medical center in his own private room.

During his stay there will be a special diet he needs to follow, and then there will be the medication and careful monitoring of how he reacts to them. Then, if all goes well, there’s the final procedure where they insert his new scent into his scent glands. He’ll have to take medication for the rest of his life too to keep it working, but two pills a day is a small price to pay. He’ll still have to figure out how to pay for those though.

“Lastly, I just need to confirm that you are still on suppressants and that there’s no risk of triggering a rut?” The doctor looks at him questioningly.

Jisung nods firmly. “I take them daily, never missed one.”

“Good. Then all that’s left is that you sign here—” the doctor says and points to a line on one paper. “And here, and here,” he adds, showing two other pages.

Jisung doesn’t hesitate and quickly scribbles his names on all three papers.

“Perfect.” The doctor smiles and gets up to open the door. “The nurse will see you in a bit and instruct you in the use of the injections.”

Jisung bows his head and when he walks out into the hallway, a nurse immediately waves him over. Just as he’s about to enter the examination room with her, he hears footsteps, and when he looks back, he catches a glimpse of caramel brown hair leaving through the door to the waiting room.

The two weeks of injections pass by without much problem. It took a bit to convince Felix to help him with them (“Please tell me they don’t go in your butt!”), but Felix quickly got the hang of it when Jisung pointed to the right place on his thigh. (He tried to do it himself, but it turned out that sticking himself with a needle wasn’t as easy or convenient as he had imagined.)

And when Felix dropped Jisung off in front of the impressive medical center again, it wasn’t without eyes full of worry and a bunch of “Promise to keep me updated!” that Jisung had to assure him of several times.

But, now, he is finally here.

He walks through the front doors and is quickly shown to his room by a smiling employee at the front desk. The room is better than he expected. Usually pictures tend to exaggerate, but not this time, and it’s better than any hotel room he’s ever stayed in, for sure.

The bed is bigger than what you’d expect for one person (good sleep is another important step for the best chances of success) and the bed frame matches the elegant style of the desk and the wardrobe. There’s an en-suite bathroom as well with everything you might need, complete with a big rain shower head. In the big window by the bed, there’s a potted plant with blooming flowers, Jisung can’t remember the name of.

He grabs his suitcase again after having a look around, intending to unpack, but then realizes that the last couple of days leading up to this has left him exhausted and drops it. Instead, he falls onto the bed, deciding to take a nap before dinner.

It’s a buzzing that wakes up Jisung. Thankfully, he’d been smart enough to set an alarm. He gets up from the bed that is more comfortable than his own back home, but feels groggy after the too short nap, and looks at himself in the mirror. It’s a hopeless attempt when he tries to flatten his wrinkled clothes and messy hair, but there’s no time for that now.

By the door, there’s a small overview map of the center, and he quickly spots the dining hall that the employee had pointed toward on their way to his room. Making sure where to go, he leaves the room, and makes his way toward it.

It’s obvious when he gets closer as the smell of food reaches him, and he finds a pair of fully open doors leading to the source.

Inside, there’s already people grabbing food by the buffet. He walks over and grabs a plate, looking at all the different salads and vegetables prepared in various ways. Jisung remembers reading that it’s all organic and that meat will be limited. But it all looks mouthwatering, and despite the no red meat politics, he feels assured that he’ll get through it just fine.

He starts shoveling food onto his plate, but then out of the corner of his eye he catches a head of caramel brown hair walking in. He almost jumps when he realizes that it’s the same guy he’d seen in the waiting room those four weeks ago—Lee Minho.

Of course, today of all days he decided to take a nap and wake up looking like shit with no time to take a shower. He should’ve done the math back then, figured out that there was a good chance he’d run into him here, but despite how breathtaking a stranger he was, he’d managed to forget about him amidst all the injections and the slight side effects.

Determined not to attract any attention to himself, he quickly finishes grabbing his food and a glass of water without looking Lee Minho’s way, and finds an empty table at the far end of the dining hall.

All of the food is absolutely delicious. And just when he’s busy being surprised that a carrot can actually taste this good, a plate is put down across from him.

Jisung almost chokes on the roasted carrot when he sees none other than Lee Minho sit down by his table.

“New?” he asks him with a smile.

Jisung looks at him confused and hasn’t even swallowed when he replies, “What?”

“You just got here, right?”

Jisung has the sense to swallow his food this time before answering, “Yeah, a few hours ago.”

The other hums and nods. “Thought so. I arrived yesterday.”

He looks at Jisung as if he’s waiting for him to say something, but Jisung has no idea what. The stranger is still as handsome as the last time he saw him, maybe even more now that he’s seeing him up close. Words don’t seem to exist right now.

“I’m Minho, by the way,” Minho then says and reaches a hand forward to shake.

“Jisung,” Jisung manages to say and shakes his hand. God, his hand must be so sweaty. He pulls it back, brushing it against his jeans discreetly.

“Not used to meeting new people?” Minho asks, tilting his head.

Jisung lets out a nervous chuckle and rubs the back of his neck. He really isn’t. Having a scent that repels people isn’t exactly a great basis for small talk. “It’s that obvious? How could you tell?”

“Well, you choosing to sit in the corner alone for starters.”

“Yeah, I tend to do that in new places.” Jisung grimaces.

“That’s fine. We don’t have to talk.” Minho smiles sweetly and starts on his radish salad.

They sit like that, eating in complete silence, until Minho finishes and gets up, cheerily saying, “It was nice meeting you, Jisung!”

That night, Jisung dreams of soft, caramel brown locks of hair.

The next morning, Jisung gets up early enough to take a shower before going down for breakfast.

He checks out the breakfast buffet and spots rice this time, which is a relief, but there’s also a sign saying that they shouldn’t eat more than one bowl. He grabs a bowl and a serving of vegetable stew, then fills a plate with fruit.

Standing with his tray of food, he scans the dining hall with all the people eating, wondering where to sit. There are no empty tables, but then he sees Minho sitting alone—at the same table as yesterday.

Minho immediately smiles at him from the other end of the room and jerks his head at Jisung. Jisung takes a deep breath before returning the smile and walking towards the table.

“Morning,” Minho says as soon as Jisung is seated. “Did you sleep well?”

“Morning. Yeah, not too bad,” Jisung answers timidly. “You?”

“Me too. The beds are much better than I expected. Better than the one I got at home, for sure.” Minho chuckles and fills his mouth with rice.

“Yeah…” Jisung doesn’t feel any less awkward than yesterday, so he fills his mouth as well.

Again, they sit in silence, Minho smiling at him every now and then, and Jisung feeling like his cheeks are on fire every time.

“Bye, Jisung. See you at lunch.”

Jisung is honestly baffled by the man that is still a total stranger, having only exchanged a few sentences so far, but still, he already finds himself looking forward to lunch when he puts his empty rice bowl away.

Today is his first appointment at the center.

This time, the injections are nothing like the ones he had at home that Felix helped him with. No, these are injected by a professional directly into his scent glands on either side of his neck. And it hurts like hell.

“You get used to it,” the nurse says after the first injection and prepares a needle for the left side.

Jisung grimaces as he looks at the needle and nods. He closes his eyes and nods to show him that he’s ready for the next one.

“Deep breath.”

Jisung does, but when it hits, his fingers dig into his thighs, and he’s sure they leave marks underneath the denim fabric.

“You might be a bit dizzy the next few hours, and it might sting for a while. Redness is completely normal, but if it spreads, you need to tell us right away. A reminder that painkillers aren’t allowed.”

Jisung nods again and chokes out a “thank you” before leaving the room, trying to hold back tears.

Saying that it might sting was an understatement. It honestly feels like his arms might fall off and a few hours later when he is standing by the buffet again for lunch (after spending the day in his room, too dizzy to explore anywhere else) he has to consider which arm hurts less when he picks up a plate to fill.

Minho is already sitting at “their” table, but his plate of food looks untouched when Jisung approaches him. Did he wait for him? He puts his plate down and grimaces as the pain shoots through his arms.

“Hurts like hell, doesn’t it?” Minho asks with a crooked smile.

“Worse than hell,” Jisung agrees with a weak chuckle as he sits down.

“I’ve been postponing picking up my fork for several minutes. Maybe we can ask them to blend it and let us eat through a straw.”

Jisung chuckles loudly at that. “I think I’d rather push through the pain then.”

“I might just make you feed me then.”

Jisung snorts and lifts a hand with every intention of eating his food with a fork. He manages to scoop up a bite despite the stinging feeling, and Minho watches, cheering when he succeeds.

“There is hope for us after all,” Minho says and picks up his own fork.

The longer they eat, the more used to the pain they get, but every time one of them catches the other squeezing their whole face together in pain, the other one can’t help but giggle.

It goes like this for the next couple of days; they sit at their table during every meal, exchange a few sentences, and eat, but slowly they talk more and more.

It’s mostly about the treatment, nothing too personal. Jisung doesn’t even know Minho’s subgender since he can’t smell him, and he knows better than to judge him based on behavior. But whatever he is, it doesn’t matter. Jisung quickly feels comfortable in Minho’s company, which isn’t something that’s easy for Jisung in general, but Minho is easy to be around, and they are there for the same reason.

“Want to go for a walk?” Minho asks on the third day after dinner. Jisung doesn’t know why he’s so surprised by the question, they are friendly enough by now, but they haven’t seen each other outside the dining hall at all yet.

In general, Jisung hasn’t been around the premises much. He goes to get his shots and feels so tired after that he just heads straight to his room to watch some anime, so aside from mealtimes, he’s mostly been staying in his room.

“Yeah, sure,” Jisung says and gets up from his seat with Minho.

They head outside, Minho leading the way, clearly having been around the huge garden before. It’s nice. Well-kept. There’s even a small pond and a fountain. Spring seems like a good time to be there, with all the flowers blooming as well.

“So, how do you like being here so far?” Minho asks.

“Aside from the shots that I know will be doubled up next week? Not too bad.” Jisung smiles at Minho. He’s pretty sure it wouldn’t be half as fun without him there. “You?”

“Yeah, same,” Minho says and returns the smile, bumping his hip into Jisung’s as they walk. It shouldn’t be this easy to be around a stranger, but somehow it is.

“So, why are you here?” Jisung asks, but he immediately regrets asking when Minho’s eyes widen and he looks away. “I’m sorry, that was too personal.”

Minho sighs and shakes his head. “It’s just… It’s complicated.” He looks up at Jisung and offers him an apologetic smile.

“I shouldn’t have asked. I mean, we barely know each other,” Jisung says and kicks a small rock in front of him.

“What do you mean ‘barely know each other’?” Minho looks at him in shock, clutching his chest. “I, for example, know that you prefer the roasted sesame carrots over any other veggies!”

Jisung snorts. “Oh, you are right. And I know that you absolutely hate anything with olives.”

“How dare you call me out like that!”

They go for walks every evening after that and slowly begin to get to know more about each other than just their preferences for vegetables.

Minho tells Jisung how much he misses his cats and shows Jisung several pictures of them. He also tells him that he loves dancing, teaches a few classes, and works at a café. Jisung tells Minho about his own job, doing boring administrative work at an office that doesn’t pay shit and that's why he had to sell his car to start the treatment. Minho laughs, and when he doesn’t tell Jisung how he managed to pay for it all, Jisung doesn’t ask.

They, of course, talk about what they are both currently going through, but it quickly gets less important compared to everything else they can talk about.

Sunday night, they decide to join movie night in a smaller hall that is usually reserved for classes.

They’ve attended a few so far, teaching them more about how the medicine works and getting more in depth descriptions of what to look out for. Eventually they’ll be taught the process of choosing their new scent, and then they’ll cover how to handle things when they are home again.

There aren’t a lot of people for movie night, and it turns out they’ve both watched the movie before. They agree that it’s pretty shit but, hey, there’s popcorn (unsalted). They end up sitting in the back laughing at every ridiculous scene, throwing dull, unsalted popcorn at each other.

Next week begins and the double injections start. Once in the morning and again after lunch. The nurse had told him that he’d get used to it, but he’s pretty sure that that was just a lie to make him feel better (easy for her to say when she probably hasn’t gone through it herself).

Wednesday, Jisung sits down by their table for dinner, waiting for Minho before beginning to eat like they usually do, but twenty minutes later he still hasn’t shown up.

Jisung keeps glancing nervously at the open doors, fidgeting with a loose string on his sweater. Maybe something went wrong with today’s injections. Maybe he got too many side effects. Maybe he—

Just when Jisung decides to get up and look for him, Minho appears and Jisung exhales. Minho gives him a small wave before going straight to the buffet.

Jisung smiles broadly when Minho sits down, but Minho’s head hangs low, and when he says “hi” it’s barely a whisper and not at all like Minho usually sounds.

“Are you okay?” Jisung asks quietly.

“Mhm. All good.” Minho lifts his head and looks at Jisung for the first time, giving him a smile. The smile isn’t one of Minho’s usual smiles either, and Jisung is startled when he sees Minho’s eyes are red. The tip of his nose is slightly rosy, too.

But Jisung isn’t the type to pry, so unless Minho wants to tell him, he won’t ask him to. They eat quietly, just like the first day they ate together.

“I’m pretty tired, so I think I’m just gonna head to bed if that’s okay,” Minho says as he puts his plate away. This is when they would usually go for their evening walk, and Jisung can’t pretend that he doesn’t feel his heart drop.

“Sure. I’m pretty tired myself,” Jisung says and nods. “See you tomorrow?” It’s not really a question because of course they are both gonna be there for breakfast.

“Of course.” Minho smiles, and this time it looks more like his usual smile.

Jisung is not entirely sure how he does it—it’s not something he would usually do—but suddenly he steps forward and hugs Minho.

He just felt like Minho might need it.

It’s not a long hug, and it’s not long enough for Minho to react to it before he steps back again, feeling a little bit awkward.

“Goodnight,” Jisung says, his ears burning.

Minho looks a little taken aback but smiles nevertheless and tells Jisung “goodnight” too before he leaves.

When morning comes, Jisung feels more than a little uneasy, going down to breakfast. He didn’t sleep as well last night either, but when he joins Minho at their table, he finds that there was nothing to be worried about. Minho smiles happily and is as talkative as ever, showing him a few new pictures of his precious cats he received that morning.

“Jisung! How are you doing? Do I need to come save you? I’ve barely heard from you!” Felix exclaims as soon as Jisung picks up his phone on his way to dinner later that day.

“Hey, Felix! No, I’m doing great!”

“You sound especially cheery. What’s up with you?”

“Nothing special, just—” Jisung starts, but just then Minho appears around the corner, smiling at him.

“Just what?” Felix asks when Jisung doesn’t continue fast enough.

“My bloodwork came back perfect today!” Jisung answers, beaming as he returns the smile rapidly approaching him.

“I can literally hear the smile in your voice. Don’t tell me that’s just because of your bloodwork,” Felix says skeptically, and Jisung can easily imagine the suspicious look he’d be giving him if he could see him.

“You want me to wait?” Minho asks when they reach each other, stopping at the entry to the dining hall.

“You go. I’ll be there in just a moment,” Jisung whispers away from the phone, and Minho nods, going in.

“Who was that?” Felix immediately asks.

“Just—a guy I’ve been hanging out with.”

“Uh-huh. Just a guy that waits for you on your way to—Where are you going?”

“Dinner. Actually, I really have to go before the food gets cold, I’ll call you another time!”

“Don’t you dare hang up on me now, Han Jisung!”

“Bye, Felix, nice chatting with you!” He hears Felix yell his name again just before hanging up.

Does he feel a little bad for cutting the conversation short like that? Yes. But the food might actually get cold (not likely). Nevertheless, it’s not the sight of the food that’s got him smiling from ear to ear when he enters the dining hall.