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Juice loved Chibs.
That was an undisputed fact. Not that anyone even knew about his feelings. But if they did they would know Juice loved him. Not just because of how Chibs looks. Even if he did look really good. He loved him for who he was. The way he treated him.
In this world. Chibs is the only person whose opinion matters to him. Sure he liked to know he was doing a good thing that the guys were proud of him. But nothing could beat Chibs' opinion. If they were all proud of him and he was disappointed then none of it mattered.
He grew up and raised himself in the process. His mother was always working to provide a roof over their heads. Working three jobs to survive. His older sister was gone finding a way to get her next fix. Even as a teenager. And his father. Well Juice never met him and his mother never told them who he was.
Which left him alone at home for most of his life. They weren’t poor but they weren’t rich. They had food on the table every night and food in the fridge. Sure he went without nice things. Went without new shoes, maybe a new jacket. The new video game. Any video game. They lived in New York.
He grew up doing as he pleased. If he wanted to skip school then he did. If he wanted to walk from his house to the gas station to a friend then he did. Juice was ten when he had his first taste of liquor. Him and a friend sneaking a can out of their fridge and passing it back and forth like they were rebels.
He was thirteen when he had his first puff of weed. Buying it from a nineteen year old repeating their senior year. A slow start to the love he began to grow for weed. Until he began to spend his days and nights ghosting through. Weed sticking to his clothes following him around. His mother never once said a thing.
If she did it would be a little hypocritical.
So yea maybe it was daddy issues. Family issues. But no one treated him as good as Chibs. He wasn’t the one who sponsored him. Jax was. But still from the moment he met Chibs something tied him to the man. And from there they built a friendship almost like Chibs was mentoring him in a way.
Even after he was patched in and done with being a prospect. Chibs still treated him like someone that needed to be mentored. He respected him but taught him. And Juice couldn’t be upset with that. Spending more time with Chibs. Learning a thing or two. It was all really great.
Quickly the club became the family he never had. They became his brothers. People that would have his back and he would do the same for them. Eventually he would do anything for them. He would steal, he would kill, he would die for his brothers for the club.
He’s not really sure when he first began to grow feelings for him. When he met him he was attracted to him. But Juice was nearly attracted to everyone. Most women and men that he comes across. He kind of thinks of it as finding the beauty in everyone. Even if it was him just being a horn dog.
Maybe it was the first time Chibs pulled him into a hug and kissed the corner of his lips. The same way he had watched the others. When one of the guys were in a good mood or they nearly died. Which was pretty often when working under a gang. Or when they were celebrating. Which falls under almost dyeing.
Another time is like when Gemma pulls Jax into a hug. But he always assumed it was something to do with mothers. Don’t get Juice wrong, his mother never abused him. But they didn’t have a relationship. Especially one like Jax and Gemma. She provided for him until he could and that was enough for him.
Maybe it was when Chibs called him brother. As sick as it sounds. It wasn’t the word specifically. He didn’t mean it in some twisted way. But when Chibs called him brother it was like he was saying they were family. And
Or when he stayed over way too late and was drinking. Both of them slumped off there asses and slurring their words. Talking like a couple of girls at a sleepover. Giggling with faces red and breath smelling like liquor. Another is when Chibs looks at him with pride and touches his shoulder speaking to him through a strong accent that he could never get tired of hearing.
Or when he took the bullet out of his ass literally. Or when….
There were so many times. So many memories between them both it was so hard. It’s like they all mushed together. When was there a time that Juice didn’t love Chibs. Because he can't remember. He can’t even fathom not loving Chibs. Sure he knew Chibs didn’t love him that way. At least the way that he loved him. He loved him as a brother as family.
He could only imagine if Chibs knew. If he knew how he felt about him. The way his stomach twirled and twisted like he was coming down from a high. The amount of time he spent thinking about Chibs. What he was doing. The way he looked. If there was a possibility he felt the same way. And how that would look.
Juice didn’t let himself indulge in those what if’s for too long. He didn’t indulge in the idea that Chibs did feel the same. That somewhere out there a chance for them to actually be together thrived. What it would feel like to be in a relationship with Chibs. To be touched and kissed and doted on.
No he didn’t. He just couldn’t let himself think about his best friend that way. Nor could he put himself through the hurt. To dream and idolize what it would be like only to remember that it was all fake. It was just an empty dream.
It wasn’t unique for the guys to mess around with a crow eater. Even Juice tended to sleep around with them. Sure he loved Chibs and he probably always was going to have some sort of connection with him even in death. But that didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy having some fun. Especially since he was a single man.
So it wasn’t odd to see him getting a blow job or eating a girl out. Or to even fuck her. Right in front of the guys. Long ago when he first joined the club. All modesty he might have had was gone. It was like having sex or any sexual manner in front of other people was normal around there.
Not like Juice was really complaining. It wasn’t like he had a problem. But Juice did enjoy watching porn. Sleeping around or anything that involved getting his dick wet. Everyone there really did. It was like everyone around the club house enjoyed sex heavily.
But what was weird was him talking to a guy. And not like talking to a brother or to Chibs. No, he was talking to some stranger. Well technically it wasn’t a stranger. Some new prospect from a different charter. Usually Juice didn’t sleep around with the members of his club. He couldn't let something like that get back to him.
For some reason though he didn’t expect the guy to go back and tell the members of the club. It was like guaranteeing him not getting into the club. Maybe it was a bit fucked to lean on that idea. Knowing the guy wouldn’t tell because he didn’t want to get kicked out. All for some old ancient rule about gay people. Or anyone that was different.
Which was ironic seeing as they were all different. That’s what it was about right? The difference between them and ‘normal’ people.
The guy Connor wasn’t all that bad. He was tall. Even taller than Juice which wasn’t saying much. He had black shaggy hair. His body was more on the muscler side. His arms showed off just how much he exercised. Accent that sounded so familiar and comforting. It would have to do.
Fuck he probably sounded like a douche bag. Yea it’s right he was trying to find someone that looked like Chibs. Sounded and looked like him. The Scottish accent is so familiar. Someone that could help get his mind off of him. Or at least show him a good time. He really did deserve it with all the bull shit he’s had to put up with lately.
Maybe he should have locked the door. But it’s not like he had many neighbors. Juice lived out in the middle of nowhere. Between a mop of trees. In a small trailer. It’s not like he needed much room. Not when it was just him and on most days and nights he ended up crashing at the club and some times at Chibs and vice versa.
So yea he probably should have locked the door. It would have made this a lot less awkward.
They didn’t even make it to the bedroom. Juice was on his back arching into the floorboards below him. Trying not to think about how he couldn’t remember when the last time was that he cleaned the floor. Hands were strolling down his body. Nipping at his chest, his nipples, his ribs. And he really wished Connor would just do it.
He wished he would just hurry up and fuck him then leave. There was no use for them to role play. It was all about one thing. So there was no use for hands to be dipping into his sweatpants touching his dick. Touching his hips. Lips that were up against his own. Wet and dry lips. It was nowhere near comfortable.
Nowhere near being hot. But if he just closed his eyes. If he imagined those rough hands were someone else's. The lips against his own were someone else's. If he just imagined the accent was someone else's. Imagined that Conner wasn’t the one on top of him and Chibs was. Then it worked.
Connor pulled away from his lips just for a moment. The warmth of his breath still lingering on his face. “Take your clothes off” He ordered. And Juice well he did. He pulled his shirt off pulling away from him for a second. Then he began to fumble at his belt. Not opening his eyes once. Because if he did then he would be disappointed. He wouldn't be able to pretend that the man on top of him wasn’t who he wished it was.
His belt and jeans were falling down to his ankles and kicking them away. A knee was prodding between his legs spreading them apart. He felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t want some random guy on top of him kissing him and touching him. He wanted Chibs. But he couldn’t have him.
Still it was all too much. He was beginning to feel hot and uncomfortable. His back pressed onto the floor and another body on top of him. He could feel fingers dipping into the waistband of his boxers. He could smell the sweat mixed with cheap cologne on Conner. Feel his beard rub against his chin as he crashed into him to get another taste of his lips.
Instead of stopping Juice spread his legs further and let lips suffocate him. Hands trail down into his boxers and touch his dick. Rough fingers gliding across him like he didn’t know how to touch him. Juice arched into the floor. Locking his arms around the man’s neck and bringing him closer despite what he wanted.
He couldn’t help but imagine what
It’s almost like he heard Chibs. But that couldn’t be. The last he saw of the man he was at the club. Sitting between a couple of crow eaters. Hands pawing at his thighs and chest. Titties in his face. He was surrounded by loud music, beer and pretty woman that wanted to take his clothes off. There was no way he was going to leave all that to come see him.
So Juice bit down onto the lip on his own and tugged him closer. Arching into the touch on his dick. Like he was trying to get more pressure or friction. Or maybe he wanted pain. When the door was opening. And someone was walking in. “Ay Juicy boy i got some liquor” The man said. And he knew who it was.
Even when fingers and hands and lips were prodding at him. And he just felt so overwhelmed. He could feel his heart beating so hard against his chest. Almost like it was going to beat out of him. His mind was scrambled and he was just shutting down. Retreating into himself.
He didn’t hear a thing until he heard something hitting the floor. And suddenly his body was wet. Conner was pulling away from him. Standing up leaving him on the floor. With his boxers now down at his ankles. And his dick exposed. “What the fuck?” The voice said in a loud and harsh voice.
Juice was pulling his boxers up and standing up. It wasn’t the fact that Chibs was seeing him naked. Because he’s seen him plenty of times. And Juice has seen him naked vice versa. Maybe that’s what was making it so hard. At least partly. Because he knew how Chibs looked and without a touch to his body he knew. He was ruined to have anyone else.
He was standing there in the middle of the floor and just staring. It was like he was a ghost. He knew what was going on. But he couldn’t regain the energy to say anything or do anything. “Get outta here” Chibs said. And he was rushing Connor out the door.
Not even giving him time to get dressed. Not that Connor looked like he wanted to stay. He probably thought Chibs was going to blow up about the fact he found them both two men on the floor naked and obviously getting ready to have sex. But Juice he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if Chibs was going to blow up at him. If he was going to say some homophobic shit to him or tell the others.
The door shut harshly and Connor was gone. Now Chib's attention was on Juice. “What the hell was that?” He questioned. Anger in his eyes and face. Lips turning into snarl. It was like Juice was a feather wavering through the wind. His body sinking down into the floor weighing him down.
“Juicy boy,” Chibs questioned. Reaching out and touching his shoulder.
And the hand on him felt so good. It wasn’t tough at least he didn’t touch him hard and rough like Connor. But his fingers were rough from gripping the handle bars of his motorcycle from holding a gun. But most of all it was familiar. A stranger wasn’t touching him. Chibs was.
“Hey it’s okay” Chibs murmured. A hand squeezing his shoulder and guiding him to his old couch against the wall. Sitting down against the soft and weared fabric. A hand still holding onto him on his shoulder.
It was embarrassing.
It was embarrassing for someone well not just someone but for Chibs to see him like this. He leaned forward his head between his knees as he tried to breathe. A hand rubbing against his back as he tried to catch his breath. One two breath in one two three breathe out. Just like he was taught.
He still remembers the first time he got overwhelmed and had a panic attack. He was seven years old and he just started school. He still remembers the other kids facing. All of them looked at him in confusion and some in fear and some in amusement. Which only made it worse. He still remembers his teacher.
Ms Jennis. She was sweet and kind and acted just like a doting mother should. Or at least what a mother is supposed to be like. Somehow his cross wires got switched together and she became that figure in his life. The woman he ran to all through elementary and some of middle school when he needed help.
She was the one who taught him how to control his breathing to control his actions to refrain from getting to that level. Sometimes he wondered where she was. If she was living a better life than him. If she was happy if she was teaching. If she married or if she had children now. She would be well into her late forties or early fifties now. But he could still remember her face. The kind smile she gave him gave all of them.
Usually Juice tended to find him somewhere quiet. To go home to the bathroom or anywhere to calm down. But that wasn’t possible right now. Because Chibs wasn’t going to leave him. Even though.. Even though he caught him with a man on top of him. Even though he saw him naked and writhing on the floor like a dog.
He didn’t get these panic attacks as much as he did as a kid or teenager. But he still did get overwhelmed. Some days were better than others. He could go the whole day without incident and some days he could wake up and he couldn’t stand the feel of his shirt on his body. Or the sound his boots made when he moved. The sound of his heartbeat that keeps him alive.
His breathing began to sound even. Ragged attempts of breath fading away. And the reality of the situation in. Juice covered his head with his hands. So tight that his knuckles were turning white. He couldn’t believe he broke down in front of Chibs. He can’t believe he found him with another guy.
“God this is fucking embarrassing” He murmured frustratingly
“What, finding ya naked?” Chibs said, attempting to joke. It’s not like he hadn’t seen Juice naked before.
But Juice just moved further down and away from the hand on his shoulder. Shrugging it away. “All of it” he admitted. Chibs watched him frowning a bit. “Why’d you come over any ways?” Juice questioned in a tight tone. But chibs didn’t take any offense to it.
“Told ya already brought some booze though we could drink and shite” He said, shrugging a bit. Chibs wasn’t the greatest at communicating or forming what was on his mind. But neither was Juice. That’s why he kept to computers and technology. It was way easier than communicating with another person.
It went quiet for a few minutes. Juice not daring to look up at him. Until Chibs spoke back up. Shifting on the couch a bit. Even though Juice couldn’t see him he could feel him move on the cushion. “Why were you with him?” Chibs questioned. And Juice couldn’t pin point the sound of his voice. If he was angry, if he was curious, if he thought it was funny.
He had to see his face to know what he meant. He had to know if he was going to see disgust on his face. “What do you mean?” he questioned softly. Why did he sleep with a man or was going to. Or why was he going to sleep with someone. Because that didn’t make sense. Chibs was just with a few women before he left. He had to bang one at least. So there was no use to asking Juice why he was going to have sex.
“You didn’t look like you were enjoying it,” Chibs explained tightly. Looking at Juice in a way he wasn’t sure what it even meant. When he walked in his first thought was that someone was trying to hurt Juice. That he didn’t want it. And he was nearly about to bash the fuckers head in.
But Juice wasn’t fighting, he was kissing him back. His hands trailing down the guy’s back. But his eyes, his face. He didn’t look like he was really enjoying it. It’s hard to explain but it was almost like the man wasn’t even there. Like he was numb, just a shell of himself. And he still really wanted to bash the guy's head in and kick him out.
“Thought it would help” Juice explained with a shrug. Because he really did think it would help. Maybe if he forced himself then it would help. Help him get over his feelings or at least to take his mind off of them. Maybe if he did then he wouldn’t think about Chibs for at least an hour. But it didn’t work not at all.
Besides, it's not the first time either of them have used sex as a distraction. Everyone does it even people not in the club. They might not admit it. But everyone needs a way to release stress to get lost. That’s kind of why the club had crow eaters. “By forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do” Chibs questioned with a raised eyebrow.
Grabbing at the cushion below him. He almost forgot he was sitting there in his boxers. His fingers dug into the cushion as he looked into Chibs eyes like he was trying to read him. “You wouldn’t understand,” He said, shrugging his shoulders and sighing. There wasn’t any way to explain to Chibs what was going on if he couldn’t tell him the biggest part. That he had feelings for him.
His hand was crawling up onto his. Still on his knee. Juice looked down at the hand on his own. Sure they were a little affectionate. More so than the others. But this wasn’t usual. They didn’t hold hands. “Then tell me baby” Chibs tried with a frown. The scars on his cheeks were pulling and stretching.
And he just felt even more ashamed at the way Chibs called him baby. At the way he felt when he said it. Surely Chibs didn’t feel the same. He was nearly two decades younger than him. There was no way he could be attracted to him. He was too stupid and too immature and Chibs was like everything opposite of that.
“I just want to help juicy” Chibs said again. Tightening the hold on Juice’s hand.
He brought the hand up to his face and placed a small kiss to the top of Juice's hand. And he couldn’t help but look at Chibs in the face, locking eyes as he did. His stomach quenching and breath stuck in the back of his throat as he did. “So please won’t you tell me?” Chibs asked softly.
Even if Chibs asked and called him baby and kissed his hand. There was no way he could tell him. He could lose him forever. Then he would go and tell the others and he would lose them too. He would be kicked out and he would basically lose everything that made him. “You’ll hate me if I do,” Juice said with a shake of his head and frown.
But Chibs was locking his fingers into Juice’s hand, maybe too tight. The frown disappeared and something else appeared like anger. But just for a split second. “I could never hate you,” he said, squeezing Juice’s hand as he did. There was no way in hell he could ever hate Juice. He was his best friend. He was his person.
“Don’t say that it’s not true” Juice said, hurt in his eyes.
Now the hurt was on Chib's face. How could Juice think that about himself? Think that about him. “I mean it Juice” He said more seriously. And Juice wanted so badly to believe him. Maybe he should get it off his chest. Because if he kept going forward if he kept this secret inside of him. He might end up losing his mind.
Maybe it would be better for him to just go out and say it. At least then he wouldn’t have to carry the secret with him any more. Juice sat there for a couple of minutes in silence staring into Chibs face and holding his hand. Because he knew once he told him the big secret that wasn’t going to happen any more.
Somewhere along the way. Just the thought, just the idea that Chibs wouldn’t be there in his life any more. Had his hands sweating, his stomach dropping and panic inside of him. He could barely catch his breath. It was almost like he forgot to breathe.
“Just breathe Juicy” Chibs voice said but it sounded far and far away like he isnt’ sitting right beside him. Chibs was staring at him with a frown. What could he possibly have to say to him that had him so freaked out. It was starting to get to him too now.
“One two Breathe”
“Good you’re doing good Juice”
“One two three breathe out”
He was holding onto Chibs so tight. Sitting up and breathing in and out until he felt calmness wash over him and nostalgia. There had been so many days of him sitting in the classroom. Ms Jennis crouched below him holding his hands and counting for him to breathe in and out. Her soothing voice washed over him.
Not wasting any more time. Juice turned to Chibs and said it. “I’m in love with you” He blurted out. And as soon as he did he tore himself away from Chibs and stood up. He wanted to run, he wanted to run to his room like a coward and lock himself in there. He didn’t want to see Chib's disgusted face or hear him.
What Chibs said wasn’t what he expected, not at all. He had run through all the options and everything he could believe could happen. Chibs calling him a fag and leaving him there in his house riding back to the club and telling them. Chibs attacking him. Which really didn’t make sense if he thought about it longer.
Chib's face went serious and he let out a laugh. “That’s it?” He questioned through laughs. A big toothy grin on his lips. As he began to stand up so he was standing right across of Juice. Who was still in his boxers. His clothes are still on the floor and a mess to show for it.
Maybe he shouldn't push his luck. Maybe it was stupid of him to try. But Juice wasn’t the very brightest man and he knew it. He could handle a computer and he could fix any device. But he wasn’t equipped with the right social meter. “What the hell do you mean is that it?” he questioned making a face.
Then a hand was grabbing his hip pulling him so he flush against Chibs chest and Juice wanted to pinch himself to see if he was dreaming. But his dreams had never felt this realistic. The hands on his skin didn’t feel like a dream. They were rough and you could tell the man behind them was used to physical labor.
The chest he was flushed against didn’t feel fake. He could feel the heart beat against his own. His chest rising as he breathed in and back inward as he breathed out. He could smell the cologne he was used to. Smell the smoke on his lips. Almost taste the alcohol on his lips.
It was really unfair to be this close and not be able to touch. To not be able to kiss him. “What?” He questioned when Chibs was running a hand up and holding his cheek and kissing him. Chibs was moving against his lips like he had been there before. Like he already knew what made him tick. Teeth grazing his bottom lip and saliva mixing together.
It felt like a lifetime. Even though it was only a few seconds. It felt like they had been standing in the living room kissing forever. But when they pulled apart Chibs leaned his forehead to his. “I love you too, Juicy boy,” He said. Then his lips were tugging into an easy grin. “I could never hate you not even a bit”
Almost like a blur. The forehead against his own retreated and lips were against his own again. And Juice let his hands roam down Chibs body tugging him closer as he tried to touch every part of him. Reenacting his dreams and getting a feel of what he really felt like. What his stomach felt like. What his hands felt like on his own body. What his lips felt like.
He had nothing to fear.