Archive of Our Own

At twenty-six, Kai thinks he has everything he’s ever wanted.

Just four years ago, he managed to graduate with honours (a surprising feat, considering he barely scraped by each semester), secured a job a month after, and met a guy. A guy named Choi Beomgyu, someone he bumped into along the hallways at work on his third day of work. He had been completely lost, not yet memorised the path to his office amidst Hybe’s long, narrow, winding corridors. Beomgyu—then clad in an oversized hoodie, mask and cap, had kindly guided Kai to the marketing floor. 

He should have known then, that Beomgyu was an idol—or at least an idol to be. It came to him as a shock when the debut announcement was released and Kai saw Beomgyu’s face on Hybe’s Twitter account. Choi Beomgyu, twenty-three, alpha. Kai hadn’t known the man was an alpha. The scent blockers employees had to wear and his beta nose made it hard to tell. 

The next time Kai bumped into Beomgyu, the alpha, having recognised him, invited him for a cup of coffee at the cafeteria. The conversation was fun and easy, and they clicked. The rest was history. 

Things changed over the next four years. Kai was promoted twice. Beomgyu quickly became the best-selling soloist. His face is on billboards, in magazines, on storefronts and on TV. Not a single person in South Korea doesn’t know who his boyfriend is. Even the aunties at the wet market near his apartment enjoy Beomgyu’s music. Kai likes to gush about Beomgyu with those aunties. One, they find him cute and give him loads of discounts. Two, Beomgyu’s fanbase consists mainly of young female omegas. It leaves him feeling queasy when the discussion strays from Beomgyu’s music to the type of boyfriend he would be. On separate occasions, Kai barely fought back the urge to tell them just how wrong they were about Beomgyu. 

He hasn’t visited the aunties since Beomgyu bought a massive penthouse in the heart of Gangnam with his idol money a year ago. There are no wet markets here, just premium supermarkets where the staff are professional but distant, keeping their eyes lowered and noses to themselves.

It should be everything Kai manifested for himself years ago. A well-paying job, a house and a boyfriend who loves him. And yet, something doesn’t feel quite right. It started with the online debates on Beomgyu’s type of omegas. Beomgyu has never once mentioned he only liked omegas, dodging the question smoothly with years of media training under the belt, and yet everyone immediately assumed Beomgyu’s preference. Then he became more aware of Beomgyu’s growing popularity, and how far away his boyfriend seemed away from him sometimes. He may have risen the ranks a lot quicker than the average employee, but it didn’t change the fact that he is still working a desk-bound job, while his boyfriend’s several floors down trying on outfits getting ready to represent a luxury brand Kai still dreams of affording at a fashion show in Paris two weeks later. And it continues to pile on him, little things that add to the growing doubt, the gnawing feeling in his chest whenever he sees Beomgyu smiling a little too brightly at his female staff and fans. It grows into a full-blown bitter, storming emotion clawing in his heart whenever he thinks about their relationship. Kai is aware enough to recognise that it isn’t just worrying, it’s insecurity. 

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Beomgyu loves him, and Kai knows that. He doesn’t doubt that. Not once has he given Kai any reason to be insecure about their relationship. 

And yet. 

Kai stares at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes are bloodshot with dark circles beneath them, his skin almost a pale, sickly, hue. His cheeks are sunken, his eyebrows overgrown and his hair a frizzy mess. His eyes slide to the smooth column of his neck, unblemished, free from bites. 

Is that where the insecurity is coming from? That it’s been four years and Beomgyu has not made the move to claim him as his mate? He may have Beomgyu’s constant verbal assurance, but Kai realises he has nothing physical to prove it. With them keeping their relationship under wraps, Beomgyu is a single, unmated alpha. 

Betas can’t even be marked anyway, his brain bitterly supplies. Unlike omegas and alphas, mating bites on betas fade after several months. He can’t even mark Beomgyu back. The reminder that he can never truly mate with Beomgyu in the traditional sense feels like a knife to his gut. 

Kai is not one to care about traditonality. He’s a beta—and has been for eight years since he presented at eighteen. Kai has not once minded his subgender, grateful to be able to live a quiet life. He neither has heats nor ruts, is unaffected by pheromones and does not have to drop hundreds a month on scent blockers. There are no social expectations for him to live up to, even if that means society sometimes forgets and overlooks betas. Kai is completely fine with that. 

Except now, he finds himself wishing he had presented an omega instead. 

His reflection stares back at him and he notices all the flaws at once. Even with all the expensive skincare, his skin can never be as supple and smooth as an omega’s. He’s tall and plain with a forgettable face, unbefitting of the Choi Beomgyu’s lover. He doesn’t have a scent that he can scent Beomgyu with, and can’t carry Beomgyu’s either for long periods. He can’t self-lubricate, he can’t take Beomgyu’s knot and spend his rut with him without risking permanent injury. He can’t even bear children so they will never be able to have children of their own—

The front door beeps open and it snaps Kai out of his thoughts, bringing him back to the present. He scrambles to grab his tube of moisturizer, pretending he didn’t just spend twenty minutes on self-deprecating thoughts. Footsteps grow closer as Kai takes slow deep breaths, focusing on steadying his heart rate as he spreads cream across his cheeks and forehead. The bathroom door creaks open and a pair of arms wrap around his waist.

“Hey baby. I’m sorry I couldn’t come home earlier, I had to redo some earlier recordings.” Beomgyu mumbles into his shoulder before pressing a kiss to his cheek. Kai can’t smell him, despite how close they’re pressed together. Scent blockers are scent blockers for a reason, but he knows his omega friends can get a faint hint of the scent through the patches. He swallows the lump in his throat and tries hard to not focus on the fact that Beomgyu can’t smell the distress rolling off him too. He would have in an instant if Kai was an omega. But he isn’t. 

“It’s alright.” Kai fights to keep his voice steady. He picks up another serum, refusing to look up at the reflection of them in the mirror. Kai knows for sure the dam would break if he did. “You should go shower and rest up quickly.” 

“Will you be joining me?” Beomgyu slides his lips down to Kai’s neck, pressing them against where his muted scent gland is, barely suppressing the urge to flinch. It’s suggestive, and on any other day Kai would have scrambled to take his offer, but now all Kai wants to do is go to bed and have this day be over.

“Of course, I’m tired. Can’t wait to sleep.” He answers in a clipped voice. 

Beomgyu doesn’t need pheromones to sense how he’s feeling this time. Kai feels his lower lip wobble when Beomgyu’s arms slowly pull away, and there’s a beat of silence before Beomgyu says, “Okay.” 

This is ridiculous. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. When the shower turns on Kai drops the tube of moisturiser in his hands, deciding to skip on his nightly routine altogether. No amount of three hundred dollar essence can outdo omega biology anyway. He quickly makes his way back into bed, pulling the covers up to his shoulders and turning his back to Beomgyu’s side of the bed. Maybe it’s the stress from work. Comeback season always meant more work and greater pressure from the higher-ups to deliver. 

Maybe when this is all over, these irrational thoughts will stop too.

~

Choi Beomgyu’s latest album, To. July, is the best-selling solo album in South Korea.

Beomgyu’s album tallied sales of 3,762,124 copies as of Monday, announced Hanteo Chart, one of the biggest music sales trackers in the country. This marks the highest first week album sales by a K-pop solo album and the 7th highest among all South Korean albums. 

It is the first time any solo artist’s album has racked up more than three million albums in sales in its first week.

Beomgyu’s latest album becomes a hit. Just the music video alone broke records for the highest number of views within twenty-four hours. Many poured in to watch the highly anticipated feature of another top-selling female soloist Haylee in the music video. It is an instant hit with fans and the general public. The music video is trending, with many praising them for their on-screen chemistry. Kai hasn’t watched it yet, swamped with work when it first dropped, but he’s proud. This is probably the album Beomgyu worked the hardest on, and Kai is glad it’s being received well. 

Long before Beomgyu became the multi-million seller artist he is today, he was a small artist who played at university festivals and busked along the streets. Coming from a big company like Hybe didn’t mean shit if the company couldn’t promote you well. His first million views within twenty-four hours came only two years after his debut, entirely on his effort. 

Kai checks the view count for To. July, twenty-nine hours later — fifty-five million views. That’s bigger than the entire population of South Korea. 

That night, Kai climbs into bed and decides to make himself comfortable before viewing the MV. The alpha was away at work, busy with pre-recordings that usually ran through the wee hours of the night. However, that did not deter him from spamming Kai’s inbox, eagerly awaiting his review of the album. Unlike previous albums, Beomgyu had banned him from entering the studio this time from start to finish, insisting on him having a full spoiler-free experience when listening to it. The first few notes of the instrumentals play and chills immediately run down his spine.  

Long before he fell for Beomgyu, Kai fell for Beomgyu’s voice first. A smooth baritone fills his ears, as on-screen Beomgyu enters the frame and crosses out the date July 31st. He sighs and sinks back into his pillow, ready for his ears to be blessed for the next four minutes. 

Yet as much as he tries to focus on the music, his attention is immediately lost when a pretty female enters the scene. It’s Haylee, the highly anticipated feature for Beomgyu’s music video when news of it dropped. The song fades into the background when Beomgyu and Haylee’s characters lock eyes for the first time and fall in love. 

The horrible, gnawing feeling returns in full force. They look good— really good together.

It’s a domestic scene—she’s cooking and Beomgyu is hugging her from behind, watching her cook. Kai can’t cook for shit without burning the kitchen down. She laughs rather expressively at something Beomgyu said, throwing her head back to rest on his shoulder (something Kai can’t do). His eyes burned at the sight of a more petite, tiny, slim female omega held between his boyfriend’s arms, nauseatingly similar to the way Beomgyu holds him. Just physically, chemistry aside, they fit way better together than Kai and Beomgyu ever will. Kai’s taller than his alpha, not very cute and not very tiny either. Beomgyu always fits better in his arms than the other way around. 

Kai knows it’s all acting, but when Beomgyu smiles fondly at her and presses a kiss to her temple, Kai has to pause the video and toss his phone aside.

It’s acting, it’s all fake and directed from behind the camera and yet—the more he looked at them the more it looked right. And he hated how right Beomgyu looked next to a proper omega.

The comments are flooded with people sharing the same sentiment, gushing about their chemistry and complimenting both their acting. He knows he shouldn’t but he can’t stop scrolling. 

these two look better together than beomgyu and his future partner would EVER. they are perfect together.

whoever beomgyu is dating right now should just break up with him and make way for haylee 

The internet doesn’t know he exists right now. But it feels addressed to him nonetheless, and his already non-existent self-confidence takes a hit. Kai squeezes his eyes shut and curls in close on himself, pressing his forehead to his knee. A hand snakes up to cup the side of his neck and the other presses against his chest as he tries to regulate his breathing. 

Man, it fucking hurts. He didn’t think he would be this sensitive and irrational over a couple of silly comments. And yet Kai feels as if his heart has been ripped out of his chest, as he concludes that maybe, just maybe, he’s holding Beomgyu back. Beomgyu deserves a pretty omega who can bear his mating bite and have his children. What can Kai provide for Beomgyu, that he can’t already provide for himself? Nothing, that’s the answer. On the other hand, Kai can think of a whole list of things Kai can’t provide Beomgyu. 

Beomgyu loves him, Kai knows. But Kai loves Beomgyu too much to ignore the fact that he’s probably wasting himself away staying in a relationship with someone like Kai.

~

The doubt and insecurity gnawing at him become a permanent thing. Kai knows he should probably talk it out with Beomgyu before it does irreversible damage to their relationship but Kai can’t bring himself to broach the subject. Beomgyu’s busier than ever with promotions and this problem is borne entirely by Kai’s own set of issues. 

So he keeps quiet about it and continues to pretend to be okay in front of Beomgyu. Not that they see each other frequently these days. For nearly a week, Beomgyu is hardly home, mostly crashing at the company to save himself a couple more hours of sleep before he has to go for another schedule. 

Kai is accustomed to spending time alone and hardly having contact with other human being outside of work. Kai’s never had many friends throughout school, and he’s not a particularly social person so Beomgyu’s hectic schedule never really bothered him. Text and calls were enough to get him by so long as Beomgyu came back home at least twice a week and they had an hour to themselves before exhaustion inevitably caught up. 

But somehow, Kai finds himself running his hand over Beomgyu’s side of the bed, cold and untouched for the last few days, missing the presence of his boyfriend. Kai’s chest feels hollowed out, his heart replaced by an empty void and yet it still aches. 

His phone remains radio silent as it had been for the last twenty-six hours. Kai knows Beomgyu is busy—he doesn’t expect Beomgyu to reply to him as often as he does when things are less hectic for him. But he’s been active on Weverse, he uploaded four selfies just an hour ago on Twitter, surely, somewhere within that twenty-six hours, he must have gone to the bathroom to take a piss. Couldn’t Beomgyu reply to his message then? 

Kai could reach out, and shoot Beomgyu another text, but he also wants Beomgyu to reach out, to pay attention to him and notice what he needs first. He feels upset and ignored on purpose , but the shame sets in when the rational side of him reminds himself that Beomgyu is busy . There could be a multitude of reasons as to why Beomgyu couldn’t open his message. 

He grabs Beomgyu’s pillow and hugs it close, curling into a fetal position. He pushes his face into the fabric, cursing, wishing his stupid beta nose could pick up on anything other than Beomgyu’s shampoo which smells too chemical to be his natural scent. Scents and pheromones may not affect betas, but Kai didn’t need to be an omega to be comforted by the scent of a loved one. He clutches the pillow just a bit tighter. 

Kai feels unwanted. 

The clock strikes one, indicating the twenty-seventh hour since Beomgyu last replied to his message. Kai lays on his side, hand wrapped loosely around his phone, just waiting. 

When his eyes finally slip shut, it’s three in the morning.

Kai dreams of waking up to Beomgyu by his side. In the dream, Beomgyu is lying on his side, facing him, fingers slowly carding through his hair. The pillow he was hugging last night has been tossed aside, replaced by Beomgyu himself. Dream Beomgyu is watching him, thumbing his cheekbone fondly and he lets his eyes flutter shut, and he leans forward to press his face to Beomgyu’s collarbone. The body feels so, so real, but Kai is semi-conscious enough to know it’s all a dream.

“You feel so warm… and real…” Kai hums, grinning a little, “That’s crazy.” 

“What do you mean baby? I am real.” Beomgyu’s chest vibrates against his cheek as he laughs, arms sliding around his back to pull him closer. Kai lets himself be pulled along with it.

“No… you’re not.” Kai mumbles sleepily, “Beomgyu… he’s busy. He wouldn’t be here…” 

The hand rubbing circles on his upper back pauses. Kai whines, wondering why dream Beomgyu stopped. Even if this is a dream, he missed it. Kai can’t even remember the last time they cuddled like this in the morning.

“Kai, love? I’m real.” 

His heart skips a beat and his stomach swoops. For a moment he nearly believes it. How cruel. Even in his sleep, he misses Beomgyu so much that his brain is trying to delude him into thinking this dream is real. 

“Shut up, you’re not. Stop getting my hopes up and let me sleep.” 

A hand shakes him, “Kai. Wake up.” 

“No…”

“Please love, open your eyes.” All this jostling is going to wake him up. He doesn’t want this dream to end.

“No.” 

“Trust me, just open your eyes.” 

Sighing, Kai slowly opens his eyes. Beomgyu is still there, staring at him. His eyes darted around the room, taking in the surroundings. He’s in their room, on their bed, still clad in last night’s clothes. He stares at Beomgyu, his jaw falling open. The pores on Beomgyu’s face look a little too real. The drool on his chin feels a little too real. 

“Good morning.” 

Beomgyu is here. Beomgyu is here and it’s not a dream. The alpha pulls him in again, tucking his head into the crook of his neck. Kai’s body warms to it without his brain having a say in this matter. The scent blockers are off this time and with his nose pressed right to it, Kai can smell the faintest hint of cedarwood and something else he can’t pinpoint. It’s too faint for his nose to discern anything, but it’s there. Kai nearly sobs in relief. 

“You— you didn’t reply to my messages. I thought you weren’t coming home.” 

“I’m sorry.” Beomgyu sounds ashamed. “I’ve been busy— I’m always busy, and I haven’t been as present as a good boyfriend should.”

“It’s not your fault—”

“I don’t want you to think I don’t love you anymore.” 

Guilt floods his insides. He wonders if Beomgyu can see right through him, or maybe he’s failed to hide how neglected he’s been feeling these days. Beomgyu shouldn’t have to feel bad about something entirely beyond his control. It’s Kai who’s unreasonably clingy and needy. Not Beomgyu, never Beomgyu. 

He flips Beomgyu onto his back, cupping the alpha’s cheek with determination. “I don’t think that way. I never once doubted your love for me.” It’s true. It’s always been the circumstances that brought them apart. Kai knows Beomgyu loves him, but knowledge alone isn’t enough for Kai’s greedy self. Always Kai, never Beomgyu. 

“I love you,” Beomgyu whispers, and he’s surging up to kiss Kai. 

Kai immediately melts into the touch, a quiet groan escaping. How long has it been? Two weeks? Three? A month? A warm hand slides underneath his shirt to feel his waist and Kai immediately raises his arms for Beomgyu to pull the article off. He can’t help the sharp intake of breath as he’s pulled down again for Beomgyu to mouth at his pulse point. It almost feels surreal to have Beomgyu, in their bed, waking him up with morning sex on a Saturday morning. He fears that this might be the actual dream and he will wake up to a cold and empty bed again. 

“It’s been way too long,” Beomgyu mumbles against the column of his neck, his hands running across every inch of skin he can reach. “Do you know how much it kills me at work knowing that you’re just several floors down but I can’t just go down and look for you?” 

Kai is gently flipped onto his back, “Why didn’t you tell me? I could meet you in the bathroom for a quick one, maybe suck you off.” 

“Fuck, don’t say that,” Beomgyu complains, but Kai knows the idea turns him on. And he’s serious about the offer too—anything to spend time with his boyfriend and have his attention on him. 

“The offer still stands.” 

Beomgyu wastes no time to yank off his shorts and underwear as well. Kai rushes to grab the lube while Beomgyu unclothes himself. Kai wonders if he should just prepare himself for the sake of time but Beomgyu’s already taking it from his grasp and pushing him back down onto the mattress. Kai goes with a quiet gasp, nearly salivating at the sight of Beomgyu hovering above him in all his naked glory. For all his reluctance to exercise, Beomgyu is still biologically an alpha. Kai eyes his alpha appreciatively, from his biceps down to the dick that threatens to tear him apart every rut. 

Beomgyu fingers him open, a lot less teasing and a lot more focus on stretching him. It’s quick, rushed and messy, as it’s always been with them. There’s always only been just enough time, and Kai is all too used to time biting at his heels whenever Beomgyu finally has some time to spare him ever since the singer grew in popularity. 

Beomgyu has three fingers in him when Kai decides it’s enough and he’s going to combust if Beomgyu doesn’t get his cock in him anytime soon. He wiggles his hips, “Come on, come on, come on. Fuck me. I’m ready.”

“You’re going to hurt yourself.” 

“No I’m not, I can take it,” Kai whines. He tries to push the hand in him away. “Fuck me now.”

“Stay still.” Beomgyu growls. The command doesn’t do much. He shivers a little and it rolls off him just as quickly, and he begs again. 

“I swear I can take it, please fuck me or I’m going to lose my mind.”

“Kai, stay still. You’re not an omega, you’re going to hurt yourself like this. Let me prep you.” 

The reminder from Beomgyu himself feels like a harsh slap to his face. Right, not an omega. He’s biologically not made to take alpha cocks. If he had been an omega, Beomgyu wouldn’t have to burn through so much lube just to stretch him. Kai quiets down and remains still. “Okay.”

Beomgyu kisses him sweetly, a fourth finger slipping in. The stretch feels good, but Kai can’t bring himself to moan. “Thank you, love, just one more finger okay?” 

“Okay.”

The sensation of Beomgyu finally slipping into him is downright euphoric. He clings closely to Beomgyu, almost as if he’s trying to fuse their bodies into one. Kai allows himself to savor this as much as he can, because when else will they ever have a chance to be intimate like this again? Beomgyu fucks him quick and hard, neither of them lasting long. When Beomgyu finally empties into him and collapses on top of him, Kai’s eyes threaten to slip close, but he wrenches them open. He can’t afford to fall back asleep, not when Beomgyu is finally home. 

“So… are you free today?” Kai hates how eager he sounds, “we could go out, or watch a movie. We haven’t done much of that lately.” 

Beomgyu expression turns apologetic. Kai tries not to be too crushed by it. He should have known, and he set himself up for that one. 

“I have to leave in an hour, I only came back to see you for a bit, instead of crashing at the staff lounge again.” Beomgyu kisses him and gets up, probably to shower. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” Kai promises. It doesn’t sound as promising as he wants it to be. He feels sad and disappointed, but he shouldn’t be. Beomgyu came home for him instead of catching up on another two hours of extra sleep at the company. He should be a lot more grateful about this.  

“Do you want to shower together?” Beomgyu pauses at the door of the ensuite bathroom. 

“No, it’s okay. Don’t want you running late.” Kai tries to play it off as a dirty joke. In all honestly, he just wants some time alone. How ironic. 

“I’ll text you later, okay?” Beomgyu promises after a quick shower, and he’s rushing for the door, his manager already calling him for the second time. 

Kai limps his way into the shower, washing all evidence of their love making off with cold water. Twenty-seven hours stretch into forty-three. 

~

Hybe announces Beomgyu’s concert three months after his comeback. 

Kai has already known about it since it was announced internally. He isn’t directly responsible for any aspect of Beomgyu’s concert, but he shares the same office space as those in Beomgyu’s marketing team. It’s an impromptu decision by the higher-ups to bank on this spike in popularity, thus the concert, and not a properly planned tour. His only responsibility is to be a supportive boyfriend throughout the gruelling ten-hour practice sessions squeezed in between album promotions.  

It’s not Beomgyu’s first concert, and it’s not his first time performing at Jamsil Olympic Stadium either for award shows. But it’s his first time hosting his very own solo concert at this large arena, and Kai feels like throwing up on Beomgyu’s behalf. He can only imagine how Beomgyu feels right now.

Selling out this arena was a feat well beyond anyone’s expectations. Kai takes a look at the fans around him. They’re all decked out in white, with various merchandise carrying Beomgyu’s name hanging off them. He’s got one of Beomgyu’s lightstick with him as well, the first version, bought with his own money when Beomgyu was just performing in small theatres, dreaming of stepping on a stage as large as Jamsil’s one day. 

The lights dim and the fans scream, the entire stadium lighting up in soft pink. Goosebumps rise on his skin, as Kai takes in the sight before him. Seventy thousand fans, some travelled across the globe, all here for Beomgyu, screaming his name. The opening VCR plays and Kai watches, entranced, as Beomgyu's face appears on the screen. And the second the stage lights start to glow, Beomgyu rises from the centre of the stage. 

The crowd screams. Kai’s screams are lost within theirs. They sing along to every song and they chant his name. Kai watches with admiration and awe as Beomgyu effortlessly engages with nearly seventy thousand fans and puts on performance after performance, never once stopping for three hours straight. 

There are seventy thousand people here for Beomgyu tonight, even more, if he counted the international fans who couldn’t make it. Millions of people love him worldwide. And Kai is just one of them, amongst the sea of people who love him all the same. An insignificant being, just a regular office worker, a beta, not destined for great things in life. Does Kai even deserve to stand by Beomgyu’s side while he goes on to achieve bigger career milestones? Someone greater and more successful should take his place. Someone who wouldn’t bring shame to Beomgyu’s name. Someone who understands the demands of Beomgyu’s work, and isn’t greedy with his attention. 

Distantly, he thinks of Haylee and her recent concert held in the Tokyo Dome. They would be named a power couple. People already are calling them that on the internet. Even if Beomgyu doesn’t date a superstar, a non-celebrity female omega partner would bring less controversy than a beta male. 

Beomgyu always shines the brightest whenever he’s on stage. Kai can’t help but feel that Beomgyu will shine even brighter without him there.

~

The moment Beomgyu steps off the stage and the lights come back on, Kai heads straight for the exit. He’s been given a backstage pass, but Kai doesn’t feel welcome there. He files out of the stadium along with the other fans and makes a beeline for the subway station. 

Beomgyu has never felt further away from him than this moment. His boyfriend just finished performing a sold-out show in Korea’s largest stadium. Kai is aware that it’s selfish of him to make this moment about him when it should be about Beomgyu, but Kai can’t help but think it’s a lot better for Beomgyu if Kai did not show up backstage or at the after party he was invited to. It would inevitably raise questions as to why a random staff from marketing is present backstage, and that would only create more problems for Beomgyu. Kai is done being a dead weight for the alpha. 

Kai makes it to their shared apartment before he realises he forgot to inform Beomgyu about his whereabouts. Not once did Beomgyu contact him during the one-hour journey home. 

Kai’s not a crier. He hasn’t been since middle school. But the realisation feels like a hot stab of pain in his chest and he cracks. For tonight, and the many weeks, months and years to come, he allows himself the chance to feel the pain, anger and disappointment that had been built up over several months, without berating himself for the irrationality of his emotions. He sinks onto his knees into the middle of the kitchen. 

He allows the hot tears to run, allows himself to sob freely in the silence of their apartment, basking in the relief of finally letting go of all the tension that had been building in his chest. He allows himself to feel everything all at once, including the guilt and shame that has plagued him all this while. So many emotions swirling within him, erupting and spilling messily out of him after being repressed for so long. 

Kai lets his imagination run wild and lets himself ruminate on all the what-ifs and the worst possible situations. He cries until his throat is hoarse, his hands and knees have gone numb and his eyes are swollen. He would have lots of explaining to do tomorrow, provided Beomgyu even comes home tonight. The thought of it brings another fresh wave of tears.

It’s truly and utterly devastating. He feels as if his chest has been split wide open, his heart stabbed a thousand times by a hundred needles. It hurts to breathe and it hurts to cry, and most of all it hurts to love. 

Kai remains slumped in the kitchen, even long after the tears have dried and the violent stabbing in his chest has dulled into a constant ache. Beomgyu’s quiet on social media, but Kai follows some of the staff and idols who were invited and there are photos of Beomgyu’s after-party all over his feed. His boyfriend isn’t in any of the photos, but Kai imagines he must be having the time of his life celebrating his achievement with the rest of his friends. A part of him regrets his unannounced disappearance, the longer Beomgyu goes without contacting him. He must have noticed Kai’s absence by now, right? Maybe Beomgyu’s angry at him. The thought of it scares him and Kai sighs, a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks. 

The front door beeps, scaring the living daylights out of Kai. Beomgyu wasn’t supposed to be home this early. His head bumps painfully against the cabinet and he groans, unable to react in time before Beomgyu bursts into the kitchen, his expression morphing into one of concern when he sees Kai curled up in the corner. Caught off guard, there is no way for Kai to hide his swollen eyes and tear tracks on his face. 

Beomgyu is immediately next to him in a second, an arm around his waist and the other on the back of his neck, pressing light fingertips into his hair as he pulls Kai close. “What happened?”

Kai doesn’t mean to cry again, but he does. This time the relief is a lot more cathartic with Beomgyu holding onto him tightly, but at the same time, it makes Kai feel a lot worse about himself and the situation he put himself in. The tears refuse to stop and his body won’t stop shaking.  Ashamed for the sudden display of emotion, Kai tries to push himself away, but Beomgyu doesn’t let him. 

“You need to tell me why you’re crying love.” 

The crushing weight of shame within him makes it hard for him to speak. How is he supposed to tell his boyfriend, who has done nothing but love him unconditionally, that he feels unwanted and unworthy of his love? In hindsight, Kai realises the reason behind his insecurities has all been incredibly stupid, and he would much rather work it out on his own. But a part of him also wants Beomgyu to know he’s hurting, to finally notice him and see exactly what he needs. 

“I… I don’t even know where to start.” 

Beomgyu presses a kiss to his temple, “It’s okay. Take your time.” 

Kai swallows, taking a deep breath, struggling to find the words, “I just— I mean, I have no qualms about being a beta you know? But lately I just, I can’t help but think about how it would be so much better for you if I was… an omega instead.” 

“Kai—” 

Kai holds up a hand, “No, let me finish. You can’t knot me during ruts, I don’t have a scent and I can’t carry your scent for long if you scented me. Similar to mating bites. If— if you ever decide to mate me, your claiming mark would fade off within months. I can’t bite you. I can barely smell you without your scent patches on. I can’t sense your mood based on your scent like other alphas and omegas can. You can’t sense mine too. We lack this connection that you could have if you dated an omega, Beomgyu. She could give you children, I can’t.” 

Kai swallows, steadying his breath. It’s terrifying to admit that all aloud. He feels seen, in a very unpleasant way, and Kai has to suppress the urge to hide. But Beomgyu is listening to him seriously, taking in every word, and that gives Kai the courage to push on. 

“Your music video. You looked great with her, and everyone on the internet thinks so too. Seeing her with you, I couldn’t help but notice how good you guys look together, how she fits you better than I ever would.” The words feel bitter on his tongue and it almost makes him gag. 

“It doesn’t help that you’re busy and famous these days. Everything in your life is changing, you’re achieving bigger and greater things each day and I am starting to feel like I don’t fit in anymore.”

Beomgyu looks hurt. Kai avoids his gaze before he breaks into another wave of tears, “I miss you, and I wish you would text me back a bit more often, but I also recognise that you’re busy, and I would feel guilty for feeling that way. And today, at the concert, it really hit me just how big you’ve become.” 

“Seventy thousand people, all screaming and chanting your name. You’re on the stage, shining, and I’m just one of the many in the sea of faces you can’t even see from where you’re standing. And I start to wonder if I’m holding you back.”

Kai whispers this last bit, his voice wavering, “I don’t doubt that you love me, I know you do. But I can’t help but feel I’m not good enough for your love.” 

There it is, all out in the open. It’s a huge weight lifted off his shoulders, but the hurt on Beomgyu’s face makes him want to take it all back. 

Beomgyu looks at their joined hands with a frown, “I kind of knew that my absence was starting to affect you, I could see it and I feel terrible for it. That’s why I tried to squeeze in time to come home as much as I could within that shitty schedule. But I wasn’t aware that you felt this way about your subgender.” 

“Would you believe me if I told you that I didn’t feel good enough for you?” Kai raises a brow and Beomgyu laughs quietly.

“It’s true though. You were the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on when we first met at the company. I wanted so badly to impress you, but you were immune to my natural charm as an alpha. That means I really had to win you over with my personality. You hold a degree and you’re living the corporate life doing all the cool things and here I am a high school graduate with no certification to my name. If this idol career doesn’t work out for me, I’d be sweeping the streets. You are pretty and successful and you could leave me for anyone who could give you a much better life than I could ever as your mate and yet you never did.”

Beomgyu cups his cheeks, resting their foreheads together, “This isn’t a competition, and I’m not trying to one-up you in any sense. I guess what I’m saying is that you’re amazing in my eyes and I don’t want anyone else but you. I don’t care about kids, I don’t care about that lack of connection. We are communicating our feelings right now, aren’t we? We would just have to put in a little more effort than other couples. I’ll bite you as many times as you want, over and over until we’re both eighty and all my teeth are gone. Even then, I’d get dentures so I can keep renewing that claiming bite.” 

Beomgyu lifts his wrist to his mouth and nuzzles over the spot where his scent gland is, “And who says you don’t have a scent? You do. It’s a faint, citrusy sweetness, but I love it.” 

“I-I do?” Kai has no idea. He can’t smell himself, and no one has ever told him.

“Yeah, it’s really faint though, so I’d have to come close like this to smell it,” Beomgyu slides his nose along his wrist, before kissing it. His scent glands aren’t sensitive, but the intimacy of the action makes him shiver. 

Beomgyu moves down to cup Kai’s cheeks and presses a kiss to the spot between his eyes. “I know my words alone are not enough to reassure you, so I’m going to try my best to show it to you. I’ll have a talk with the company about my schedule. If it helps, we could also tell them about… our relationship.” 

Kai’s heart starts to pound, “you don’t have to do this.” There are implications about going public. Public with inverted quotes. The higher-ups may not be so kind about it.

“It’s the least I could do as your alpha.” Your alpha. Kai decides he likes the sound of that, but not so much the idea of the company heads knowing about their relationship. 

“Hey, did you listen to my album?” Beomgyu asks out of the blue.

“Yes.” 

“Do you know what the title track is trying to convey?” 

“No,” Kai admits sheepishly, “I was too distracted by… you know…”

Beomgyu gapes at him as if Kai had just dropped a sack of bricks on his head. “What? Okay, listen. The song is called To. July, because I’m thanking it for giving me August.”

Kai sniffles and blinks at Beomgyu, confused. “Huh?”

“I’m thanking July for giving me August which gave me the person I’d like to marry. You know, if you looked closer at the background of the MV you would see the fourteenth of August circled out with a red heart.” 

It’s Kai’s turn to be stunned speechless. He at least has enough sense in him to close his eyes when Beomgyu leans forward to join their lips with a chuckle. His eyes water again at the implication of Beomgyu’s words.

“It’s not a proposal by the way. Consider it a pre-proposal proposal. That way I can keep the actual proposal a surprise.” 

“Should I say yes or nothing at all to maintain the surprise?” 

Beomgyu brings his knuckles to his lips, eyes glistening with emotion. Kai watches him with all the fondness from his heart seeping out of his every pore. 

“I wouldn’t mind a bit of spoilers.”