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''Dick, what are your symptoms?'' Tim asked urgently, typing endlessly on the computer.
''Come on Timbuktu, chill, it's not fear toxin.'' They didn't know that for sure, they could never be sure, but it was usually faster.
'' Yeah we got that, you'd be yelling your ass out if it was. But we still need to see what you've been dosed with. It could be a dangerous drug. ''
Jason answered helping him on the medbay bed. It all felt a bit over dramatic. He was fine.
If everything bad was meant to happen, it would have happened by now.
'' I think I'd know if it was... Oh.''
''What? What's happening? Dick?'' He couldn't tell at this point who was speaking.
'' Hum... My vision is... Blurry.'' he answered not knowing if what he said really made sense.
'' Suddenly?''
'' Hm.'' This time he couldn't answer. No matter how hard he tried to speak. He couldn't.
Okay, maybe it was fear toxin.
Or maybe it was some poisonous shit that were currently messing with his throat.
''Dick. I need you to talk.'' He knew this voice meant things were getting bad, but he couldn't answer.
The only thing he could see after that was absolute darkness.
***
''Where am I?'' Dick said observing his surroundings.
Wherever he was now, the room was a pitched black. For some reason he could still see himself.
His body wasn't his.
It wasn't his anymore.
He felt smaller and weaker, his hair were too curly to be his now.
That and the lack of light made him understand that it was probably a dream.
''Dick?'' A soft and familiar voice said.
Dick's stomach sinked, he knew who this voice's belonged to even if he hadn't heard it in years. He'd recognize it anywhere no matter how long it's been.
He turned around and felt his heart slowly breaks when he recognized the young boy that was standing in front of him.
''Alex?'' The boy in front of him frowned at being called by his real name.
'' Ouch. I know it's been a while, but I still prefer Sunny.'' The boy said, reminding Dick of memories he'd been trying to forget.
He didn't want to think about the memories this name came with.
''No one ever called you 'Sunny' after your death Alex.''
Alex and Dick sat on the floor.
They both stayed quiet for a while, observing each other. Alex didn't change. He looked exactly as he did the last time Dick saw him.
''You're mad, Dick?'' Sunny asked, tilting his head slightly, looking at him with perceptive eyes.
The boy in front of him acted clueless.
Dick wanted all the years he had to think about it to help him answer.
It wasn't the case.
All the feelings he had put aside, they were all back now that he was standing in front of him.
''You left me, Alex. You were... all I had...''
The boy looked down, obviously hurt by Dick's statement.
Maybe, in another world, things would have gone differently.
Maybe Dick would have been having this conversation with someone that wasn't just the figment of his imagination.
Maybe things would have been easier then.
''You never needed me Dick. I was just... A burden...''
It was a statement.
A simple one.
It hurt Dick in ways he didn't know it could.
''You're the reason I survived. To my parents death, to juvie and all the bullying. I did need you. And...''
Dick took a deep breath. He never realized before how affected by what happened he actually was. He stopped talking about it after the funeral... No one could understand. No one knew him.
'' I still need you Sunny. You were... My brother. My first sibling ever...'' He wish he could say the same words he had imagined saying.
Yet his emotions were talking for him.
Sunny looked up, his eyes shining a bit.
''First?'' He asked, trying to change the subject.
Dick wanted to tell him everything, but he also wanted to stop talking with him.
Every minutes that passed were going to make things a lot harder, when whatever this was, would stop.
'' I have more now... Adopted but... Yeah...'' He wanted to tell Alex about Jason, and all the horrible things that happened to his little brother. He wanted to tell him about how amazing it felt to have him back. To be able to call him.
To see him.
To hug him.
He wanted to talk about Tim, and the weird situation in which they met for the first time. He wanted to tell him how smart is little brother was, how painful it had been to stop talking to him for so long.
He wanted to talk about Cassandra, and the way she could understand everything and everyone with her eyes.
He wanted to talk about Stephanie and the way she joined their family, how funny and caring she was, how her sarcasm could drive Bruce crazy.
He wanted to tell him about Damian, and how angry he used to be before he learned that it was normal to be a child.
He wanted to talk about Duke and his laughter, the way he could learn so fast and how kind his latest brother was.
He didn't.
Because even if Dick had no idea of how long it's been, he knew those kind of moments were never long enough.
His parents would always be ripped out of his arms in the middle of the night.
He knew how he was going to feel afterwards.
It was always the same.
''That Bruce guy? He's a good person?''
Dick couldn't tell him about the numerous arguments they had. How some of them had led to horrible times, how some of them made them closer.
How after all those years, Dick was finally happy to call him ''dad''.
'' Yeah... '' Sunny looked up with a small and fond smile. ''He gave me a family...''
''I'm glad you-'' Dick shook his head before Sunny got the time to finish his sentence.
That was always how it ended when he saw his parents in his dreams.
They would tell him about how happy they were to see that he was okay.
Something that would always make Dick feel guilty when he would wake up.
He needed to tell him how he felt afterward, he needed him to know how bad it got after him.
He needed to.
'' I had just lost my parents Sun', you were all I had. Then you died and years after my little brother died and...'' Dick took a deep breath, his heart slowly sinking inside of him. He had so many things to say.
But he knew that he was running out of time.
He could already feel his body again, for some reason, it felt larger, bigger, he knew what was coming next.
He wasn't ready to go.
Not yet.
''Why does it keep happening Alex? Why do I do that to those I care about?'' He wanted to scream, at the world, at Sunny, at himself.
It wasn't fair.
Why did it always end like this?
''You did nothing to me Dick. You were not the reason I did what I did.''
But Dick needed answers, he needed words, he needed to be able to put his mind at ease.
''Then tell me.'' Dick whispered. He had spent so much time questioning Sunny's action. Thinking about all the things he could have done to save him.
The boy shook his head. '' I can't. '' They always said that. The voices of those who left too soon.
But Dick couldn't hear that anymore, it was getting too hard, it was getting too much.
'' Please... I need to know.'' Dick's voice was now shaking, like his whole body. His vision was blurred by the tears he didn't want to let fall.
He needed the answers no one gave him.
The answers to the questions he never asked.
''They kept... Touching me Dick. I didn't want to and they kept doing it. My mum's boyfriend, the guards, and the eldest kids. My voice didn't matter, it never did... I couldn't... I couldn't keep going.'' Sunny let the tears run down his cheeks, but he was.. Steady, as always. Steady and still.
Dick, him, couldn't control the sobs that were making their way out of him.
The very pain Sunny was describing, he knew it.
He was all too familiar with it.
''I could have saved you.''
''No you couldn't.'' The boy had accepted his faith.
He was okay with what he did.
Something Dick didn't know he could do.
He had went through the same things, and as selfish as it was. He judged Sunny for not being able to keep on living the way Dick did.
''If you just had held on two more weeks. I would have had taken you with me. You could have lived with me at the manor.'' Dick never talked about it, but he had thought of that multiple times of how things could have been.
He often thought about it, during family dinner, watching his siblings laugh and argue loudly, imagining, for just a few seconds that Sunny was with them. He could see him, laughing with Jason, calming Damian and Tim's arguments in way Dick could never.
He could see him, hug Bruce.
Dick could feel his arms, hugging him.
He could almost see the way a beard would have eventually grown on him.
He could hear how his voice would sound as he was slowly getting older.
He could smell the kind of perfume he'd wear, see the type of clothes he'd choose, the type of thing he'd say to those annoying and noisy journalists.
But every time his eyes would close for too long, the illusion would slowly evaporate.
And Dick could only watch the men he dreamed of knowing slowly slip through his fingers.
''The manor huh? It does sounds big enough for the both of us.'' Sunny let out a wet chuckle. ''I'm sorry buddy.'' He moved a bit and held Dick tightly.
Dick felt like his eight years old self, needing Sunny to protect him and make him feel better with his kind words and signature smile.
He felt small and weak in his arms, but he felt safe.
Something he always dreamed of feeling again.
He wanted him to be his big brother again.
Something he would never know again.
Dick was breathing loudly, he needed to say it. He needed to talk about it, now, with Sunny.
He needed to tell him about the thing he never told any of his younger siblings.
'' It-it happened to me too.''
Sunny raised his head quickly. He shook his head, a horrified look on his face. A deep fear in his eyes.
A reaction Dick had seen on many faces in his dreams.
His parents, his siblings sometimes, he always knew Sunny would react that exact same way
'' No. Tell me it didn't. Please.'' The begging sounded exactly like Dick had imagined them.
''A few times. And-I... Could never talk about it to anyone. I wish you were still here Alex. I needed to tell you. Like really.''
Sunny's face was getting more and more blurred by the minutes. Dick could only hope it was because of his own tears.
''I wish I was there too Dick. I wish I had been stronger.'' Dick let out a painful yelp at the forever younger boy's words.
Sunny had said out loud what Dick always thought.
And even though he hated himself for thinking that, nothing could change the way he felt about it.
He gasped for air loudly, feeling his face getting wetter and wetter.
'' I wish I could hug you again. I wish you could meet my siblings, you'd help me take care of them like you did for me.''
Sunny nodded sadly.
'' Yeah.'' he passed a hand on his eyes. ''I'm sure they'd love me.''
Dick nodded.
''You'd be a better brother than me.'' And how bad did it hurt to finally get to say it out loud.
''I'm sure you're great buddy. Don't put yourself down.''
''I wish I was as good as you... I wish I could've been good enough for you. If I just had been there a few minutes before....'' he wished, he wished he had done so many things differently.
Sunny stepped back and stared at him with a sad look upon on his face.
'' Dick... Did you... Did you found me?''
'' You were nowhere else. And... And some adults asked me where you were. So I-''
'' I'm so sorry Dick. I'm so sorry-''
'' I started looking for you and... I opened the door and-and you were there. Right in front of me. You were so pale, and you had that... That dumb smile on your face. That dumb smile that told me you were okay with what you did.''
Dick couldn't hear Sunny's frantic apologies. His mind was filled by memories of that moment. Memories of what he had seen, memories of how he felt, of the silence he heard.
He could remember how loud that silence had been, how horrifying the screams inside of his head were.
And he didn't know if they had only been in his head.
'' I think about you all the time.'' Dick said with a small smile. '' I tried to draw you but... Hum... I'm not sure I remember your face correctly and that. That sucks. But I'm going to keep on trying you know, I listen to every music asking myself what you would say about my taste and-'' Dick took a deep breath, the person in front of him was only a shadow now, he knew that it was over. ''I'll never forget you. I promise Sunny. I promise. ''
He was now totally alone.
Crying and hugging his knee tightly.
Dick cried louder when he felt hands on his shoulder.
He couldn't see anything, but he put his hands on them and held them.
He cried and cried.
And the pain was not getting better.
It felt like the pain would never go away.
There were more hands on him by the time Dick finally closed his eyes, crying silently, slowly laying down as his sobs got more quieter.
He let himself drift away, drowning in his tears.
***
When Dick opened his eyes again, he was in his bedroom. He sat up slowly looking around him. He was alone.
He quickly remembered what just happened and... The realization that all of that was just a dream kicked him, badly.
He didn't want to cry anymore. He couldn't.
He pressed his fists against his eyes and tried to calm his breathing.
He couldn't let himself spiral in another panic attack.
He hadn't been confronted by the pain of his grief since so many years.
He thought he was over it, as much as he could be when it came to loosing someone.
It turned out he wasn't. Not even close.
And it was in front of him, in all the little things.
In the way he would always look for a specific name on his phone, the way he would always look for a specific type of hair whenever he got lost in his thoughts in public.
The way he would always imagine those arms around him when things were getting tougher.
Maybe it was in the way Jason's arms were the closer things to what Dick thought Sunny's might feel like. And he was ashamed, to know that he had been using his brother to forget about his grief.
A grief that was only his to keep.
Dick didn't looked up when he heard his door opening. He had no idea of how long he's been standing there, trying to hold back his tears.
'' Dick?'' he slowly raised his head to face Bruce. On his face stood a pained look.
Has he been crying? ''How are you feeling chum?''
Dick couldn't look at him in the eyes.
He shrugged staring at his right hand, knowing that, what seems to be, barely a few minutes before we're held by someone he would never see again.
''Do you remember what happened?'' He shook his head slowly. Before?
No Dick didn't want to remember anything else.
He wanted to remember every single world Sunny had told him. He was too focused on trying to remember his face and the way he talked, he was too focused on trying to remember what it felt like to be in his arms.
'' you've been dosed with a strong drug. We didn't thought it was working until you started having hallucinations.''
Dick nodded, still not looking at Bruce, still not speaking. The lump in his throat kept growing, making it harder to speak and breathe.
''We never really talked about... What happened to you in juvie...'' Bruce said putting a hand on Dick's shoulder, a hand that felt particularly like the ones that held him in his dream. ''About that little boy that was buried a few weeks before you got out.''
Dick nodded, not saying a word.
How could he talk about it, how could he only tell Bruce now about how much he had been hurting, all those years, all this time.
''I miss him dad. So much. I miss him so much and it hurts, it hurts so bad.'' Dick finally let out.
He put a hand on his chest gripping his shirt.
He closed his other hand tightly around his wrist.
Putting his nails as strongly as he could.
Trying as hard as he could to grasp on reality.
''I'm so sorry I let you suffer alone Dick.'' And he couldn't look up, he couldn't.
'' You don't get it. He's dead. He's dead Bruce I'll never be able to hug him again. Never.''
''I know sweetheart.'' Bruce said putting his arms around him.
''That- that was the last time I ever seen him. And he told me why he did it. He told me why he killed himself, Bruce. I could have saved him.''
''You didn't deserve that. I'm so sorry.'' Bruce kept on repeating. But that wasn't what Dick wanted to hear.
''That's not what he deserved. All because those- those fucking assholes couldn't keep their hands on themselves. They did that, they did that to a child Bruce. He's dead because of him. And- and I told him things, things I wanted him to know Bruce. And he never will because- because that was just my imagination. That's all it was.''
''Maybe you're just looking for an answer Dick. Maybe that didn't happen to him.''
''I remember finding him in an empty classroom. And Bruce I swear, I promise you it's not in my head. That- that was real. And he would cry so much after disappearing for entire afternoons. I would- I would find him crying and he wouldn't stop- and I didn't know and now he's dead Bruce.''
''You were both children Dick. That never should have happened in the first place. It wasn't your fault.''
''He killed himself B. You could have saved him too, if he had just held on two weeks. I would have told you about him. And- and you would have taken him in, and things would have been so much better Bruce.
You would have loved him. And he would have loved you. ''
When Dick finally looked up, his father was crying, a single tear running down his cheek.
''Yeah? You think so?''
'' He's so much better than me B. You would have loved him as a son. He's so much better than me. He would have been such a good brother B.''
'' Don't- don't say that Dick. I love you. We love you.''
''It should have been me. If it had been me, if-''
Bruce grabbed Dick even tighter, this time enveloping him totally.
Dick hid his face in Bruce's chest.
'' Don't say that Dick. Please. Never. We love you. We need you. It shouldn't have happened to any of you. I'm so sorry Dick. I'm so sorry I couldn't save the both of you.''
Dick cried so much that afternoon.
Not having any idea that his siblings were all silently listening behind his door.
All crying silently.
They had been there that night, they had heard what Dick had said.
About that boy, Sunny, about how amazing he thought his siblings were, about how amazing that boy was.
They had heard the horrible screams of pain their brother had let out.
And they were all watching helplessly.
Asking themselves how such a good person go through such horrible things.
Their poor older brother, the kindest, the best of them all.
He didn't deserve to live with all that pain.
Yet he was.
He was and that was so unfair.
As they all listened to the muffled cries of their brother, they all promised themselves and each other that would ask about Sunny.
They would ask about that Boy Dick was hurting for.
They would try everything to help Dick's sadness hurt at least a little less.