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Yosuke Hanamura talked, a lot. He stumbled, stammered, stuttered over his words, his tongue tied in knots as his mouth struggled to keep up with the constant stream of dumb thoughts that raced through his head. He often said the wrong thing, and words tumbled out before he could think better of just what he was saying. It was a habit that frustrated him, that frustrated others, too. But for as much shit he spewed, Yosuke found it hard to say what he truly meant, especially after meeting Yu.
Yu made his head hurt, the already dizzying flurry of teenage emotions and hormones and memories and ideas and songs and everything that occupied his mind became unbearable, overstimulating in a way that was as exciting as it was excruciating. Yosuke hated the way his heart pounded, the way his breathing quickened, the way his attention was so easily caught by Yu. He hated how Yu made him feel like more of a bumbling idiot than he already was, and how Yu made it seem like all of his flaws were so charming and like his words weren't complete nonsense. Yu was so patient, so kind, so forgiving…it was only natural that Yosuke would fall in love with someone like that.
He could never tell him that, of course. Not only was it already taboo for him to be feeling such a way towards Yu, towards another man, but Yosuke had run away from even the slightest mention, the tiniest inkling of a thought that pertained to those feelings. He remembered the oppressive atmosphere of the bathhouse, the headache and heat he'd endured, and the mortifying things he'd witnessed. Yosuke could never hate Kanji, but whenever he was reminded of the events that transpired, the things that were said, the things that were implied, he felt paralyzed, he felt sick and distressed, and the storm in his head increased its pressure, forcing his tongue to attempt to untangle the knots they had tied themselves into, and, well. He'd spent night after night thinking about the things he'd said, the hurt in Kanji's eyes, and the disapproval from everyone in the group.
He knew he was wrong. He knew he was running away. He knew, he knew, he knew. But how could he stay still, confront Yu, utter those three terrifyingly gorgeous words if he knew that they would cause him pain? How could he, with Yu's ever-increasing closeness to Naoki Konishi?
He would be blind to not see it, the subtle glances, the smiles, smiles he was oh-so-familiar with. Eyes, observing with a fondness reserved only for each other. Hands, flexing and twitching as if wanting to reach out. No matter how much he looked away, the image of them stuck to his eyelids, burned his head as he tried to forget.
Knowing that Yu also had those types of feelings for men should've been comforting, but instead it only squeezed Yosuke's fragile heart to the point of strangulation. Seeing them together felt like some kind of sick joke, like God specifically brought them together with the sole intention of punishing Yosuke for some unforgivable sin. He looked at Naoki and saw her, saw a vision of a pale, smiling girl navigating the isles of Junes with ease, ruffling Yosuke's hair, giving him affectionate nicknames, hiding her hatred behind that beautiful facade.
Yosuke couldn't stomach it. He wasn't over Saki, not really. He still felt her presence as he distracted himself with work, heard her voice when he was all alone. It killed him inside, how much Naoki resembled her. They had the same eyes, same nose, same look of contempt. When he saw Naoki smile at Yu, all he could think about was the girl he once loved so much, who got him through the boring and shitty days in this stupid little country town.
Well, it was shitty and boring at least until he'd discovered the midnight channel.
Yosuke shuddered to remember the confrontation with his shadow, how it exposed every teeny-tiny bad thought he'd had since arriving in Inaba, and the twisted version of Saki he'd heard…he still wasn't quite sure if she really hated him as much as his shadow suggested. But still, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself that their friendship was real, that it wasn't some one-sided farce like with everyone back in the city, he couldn't erase those thoughts that…maybe his shadow was right.
He couldn't imagine the kinds of things his shadow would say now.
Reality faded in as one of his coworkers (he was pretty sure she was new, and that he'd seen her at Yasogami, maybe?) snapped in his face, immediately talking his ear off about something or other, something Teddie did, and more inventory that needed to be done.
“A little kid started crying because he walked in on Teddie removing the costume head,” she explained. “I don't know, I was told to tell you to do something about it.”
Yosuke groaned. Well, no more brooding for him, he guessed. At least Teddie's stupidity would take his mind off of everything.
“Seriously Ted, did you have to do it so out in the open? I don’t want to have to calm down angry parents now.” Yosuke smoothed out the top of Teddie’s mascot head. He looked into its eyes. There was something so unnerving about its blank stare, knowing how alive it actually was.
Teddie pouted. “But Yosuke…Teddie was working beary hard and he just wanted to get out and go get some topsicles!”
“Yeah, yeah.” Yosuke checked his watch. “Your shift is pretty much over, so you can go home now. Don’t bother Rise’s grandma if you stop by their place.”
“Don’t worry, Nana Kujikawa loves Teddie!” He went to leave, but quickly stopped in his tracks, remembering something. “Oh yeah, I saw Sensei here earlier! He was with someone.”
Yu was here? He usually texted Yosuke when he was dropping by Junes. Maybe Adachi was hanging around? But if that was the case, Teddie would have said so…
Yosuke thanked Teddie for telling him and escorted the bear out of the store. Like a child, Teddie had to have Yosuke “suit him up” for winter time. He claimed it helped him stay warmer, whatever that meant. It was kinda cute, in a way, seeing Teddie wear his old jacket and hat. It was almost familial.
“Wait, Teddie, don't eat too many topsicles or you'll come home freezing!”
Of course Teddie didn't hear him, already bounding off at a speed that was frankly, terrifying. Yosuke sighed, and decided to go look for Yu.
The food court was almost entirely empty, save for a few stragglers. Looking around, Yosuke caught notice of Yu, who was sitting across from Naoki Konishi. Of course. Just his luck. Yu, gorgeous and angelic as ever, seemed so graceful as he smiled at him, even with the cold of winter causing rosy circles to appear on his face. Yosuke knew that he couldn't pull it off the same way Yu did.
Naoki, too, looked happy. Well, maybe not happy, but at least content, which was a whole lot better than he had seemed every other time Yosuke had seen him. Though they were positioned opposite of each other at the table, it was easy to note the way they leaned into each other, how their hands rested on the table, just barely a hair apart. Yosuke and Yu were close, but never touchy. He longed for it.
“Oh,” Yosuke whispered. “Hey, Yu!”
Yu's head snapped up, smile momentarily dropping. Yosuke felt as if he had been punched in the gut. Yu smiled again, but it didn't reach the same brilliance as when he had been talking to Naoki.
“Hi, Yosuke,” Yu greeted him. He turned back to Naoki, who looked like a cornered animal. “You know each other,” said Yu, though it wasn't really a question. Of course they knew each other.
Yosuke decided to be the one to break the silence. The deer in headlights look was a lot more anxiety inducing than the usual icy glares Naoki regarded him with. “You're Konishi, right?” Yosuke cringed at how awkward he sounded. Naoki kept his lips firmly shut. Yosuke looked to Yu for help, but he just nodded his head as if to say “go on”.
God, this is painful. “I knew your sister. You…. you look just like her, same nose, same eyes…similar hair.”
This, at least, seemed to break his shock. “Stop it…my sister isn't here anymore.” Naoki leaned as far away from Yosuke as he could, lips pressed into a hard line, clearly upset.
Ooookay…Yosuke could work with that.
“Lonely, huh?”
“Shut up!” He looked about ready to cry, and Yosuke wasn't sure he wouldn't follow suit if he continued looking at him. “What do you know about me?”
“...She told me she was proud of you. She boasted about you.” Naoki’s face softened at that, though he still looked pained. “...I liked your sister.”
Naoki snorted. “Past tense, huh?”
Yosuke cringed. Shit shit shit. He sucked in a breath, trying furiously to calm his racing heart. C'mon….you can't fuck this up now…
“I'm doing what I can right now for my sake….and your sister's.” He started. “If…if you just sit there crying, you're just troubling her, you know?”
Naoki grimaced, and Yosuke could not for the life of him tell if what he'd said angered him.
“....I'm not crying.” Naoki whispered.
The tension in the air was palpable. Yosuke looked to Yu for assistance, but was met only with that prodding stare he always wore. Dammit, please say something..
“Alright! Today is grilled steak day, I'll go grab us three!” Yosuke clapped his hands, speaking a lot louder than he should've. Naoki flinched, and Yosuke groaned internally. “Yu…you'll have to pay for your own.” Yosuke laughed, forcefully, and all but ran off.
Phew, if I'd stayed any longer I would have burst.
Yosuke was glad for the short reprieve before having to face Naoki again. It was just like him to offend Naoki, to cause that horrible expression to overtake him. God, why couldn't he keep his stupid mouth shut?
He held the steaming plates of steak with trembling hands, partially because it was ridiculously hot, ow, and partially because he was worried he would make a fool out of himself again. It was not outside the realm of possibility. In fact, it was probably more likely than not.
Naoki was still sulking as Yosuke approached the table, though the way he bit his lip and pouted seemed like he was trying to bite back a smile. He and Yu seemed a little closer in proximity than earlier, too.
“Two hot steaks, coming right up!” Yosuke set one down in front of Naoki and slid into the chair across from him. “Bon appetit.”
Yu side-eyed him, brow quirked. “I didn't think you'd actually make me go get my own.”
Yosuke scratched his neck. “Sorry, partner…”
Shaking his head in faux annoyance, Yu stood up. “I’ll be right back, then.” Yosuke didn’t miss the way he ran his knuckles across the back of Naoki’s chair, or the tender look in his eyes as he glanced down at him. Yosuke wished he wasn’t so hyper-aware of everything Yu did.
So they were alone now. It felt a little colder, a little more distant now that Yu was gone. Yosuke often found himself in this situation with Naoki; not that they had interacted much, but on the few occasions that they had, Yosuke would end up struck by Naoki’s frigid attitude, those signature sharp Konishi eyes boring into him. Even when he was with Yu, Naoki always made it seem like Yosuke had interrupted something, that he was completely unwanted. It was even worse on their lonesome.
But, through the chill, Yosuke could sense that something was different. Naoki kept glancing back and forth between Yosuke and the ground, and he was tapping his foot so intensely it made Yosuke feel anxious.
Before he could even find words to say to him, Naoki was up out of his chair, bowing profusely. “I'm sorry!”
“Huh?” Yosuke tilted his head, still a little startled, not quite processing the sudden apology. “Why?”
“I said I hated you…I always acted impolite. I'm not like that. I…” He sighed, pulling on his jacket. “I don't hate you Hanamura. No one who Yu talks so highly of can be all bad.”
Yosuke blanched. Yu spoke highly of him? Well, he supposed they were best friends, but still…
His heart fluttered, despite himself.
“I understand,” Yosuke said, sincerely. He couldn’t blame Naoki for feeling the way he did about him. He couldn’t blame Saki, either. Without him, their family business wouldn’t be in shambles. Without him, maybe Saki would still be…
No, he couldn’t think that way, not with her younger brother standing right in front of him, tearful eyes begging him to accept the apology.
“You don't have to keep bowing, I forgive you.”
Naoki slowly went to sit, clear relief painting his features. He'd never seen the younger boy smile before, at least not up close, and as they looked at each other, Yosuke swore he saw Saki in his stead.
“I wish I'd said something earlier,” Naoki confessed. “I feel like…I just thought it'd be easier to keep acting like I didn't like you. I think I'm just confused. I…I miss Sis, so much.”
Yosuke swallowed, mouth suddenly dry. When he finally spoke, it felt as if his words were being yanked out of him by some unknown force.
“I think about her every day,” He said. “I see her in you. I know she hated me, I know our friendship was one sided but I still…” Yosuke paused, searching Naoki's eyes for something, anything to tell how he was taking his words. He was greeted only with curiosity. So, he continued. “...I wanted to know you, to make it up to you the way I'll never be able to with her.”
The only reaction from Naoki was a sharp intake of breath, a gasp only noticeable due to the still silence of the food court. Where the hell was Yu? Why would he leave them alone for so long? The all-knowing asshole probably did this on purpose, wanted to lure out a conversation between them. Damn Yu.
“Yu…he's really amazing, isn't he?” Naoki said, quietly. He didn't acknowledge anything Yosuke had just said, eyes closed, expression serene.
Yosuke's breath hitched. His throat felt a little heavy, and eyes a little blurry. Of course Yu was amazing. He was amazing enough to get inside the mind of everyone he ever met, to get through to the one, living person Yosuke wanted to get through to most. God, he loved Yu.
“Do you..” Yosuke started. He felt himself tense, and he hoped he didn't sound too hurt when he asked, “you like him, don't you?”
Naoki opened his eyes, and, face red, confirmed everything Yosuke already knew.
“He's unlike anyone I've ever met. Of course I like him.”
Yosuke couldn't wait to be back at home. As soon as he stepped through the door, he let out a groan, kicking his shoes off before neatly placing them at the front. He might be upset, but that didn't mean he needed his mom to be too.
Talking to Naoki at Junes took a lot out of him. He wasn't shocked to learn that he liked Yu, perhaps even loved him, and the way Yu was acting made it clear that those feelings were mutual.
Yu had returned suspiciously as soon as their conversation ended, and while talk seemed to come easier after that point, a large stone still weighed heavy in Yosuke's stomach as they ate. He felt terribly shitty about how shitty he felt, how Yu's happiness, which should have made him happy, made him feel just shitty. He felt about ready to throw up, and he was sure it wasn't because of the low quality food court steak.
Being able to lie in bed was absolute heaven, and for once in his life sleep came almost immediately.
It didn't feel like long before that peace was interrupted though, by a loud crash of Yosuke's bedroom door, wood slamming against wall in a sound that made him jump right up. Teddie stood in the doorway for a second, breathless, before taking a running leap and dive onto Yosuke's bed.
“I'm coooooold!” Teddie said before Yosuke could even open his mouth.
“It is winter, and I assume you didn't take my warning about the topsicles.”
“Haha, nope!” Teddie rolled over, propping himself up on one hand. He observed Yosuke's face, brows furrowed in concentration. “...something seems wrong with Yosuke.”
Yosuke turned away, suddenly finding the wall very interesting. “What are you talking about?”
“C'mon Yosuke, my bear-senses are tingling.” Teddie sat up, scooting closer, grabbing Yosuke's face with his hands, squishing his cheeks together and forcing him to look every which way until he was satisfied. “You’ve been crying.”
Yosuke scoffed. “What, no I haven't.”
“It's okay.” Teddie's voice was uncharacteristically soft, no hint of the usual lightness or teasing it normally held.
Yosuke removed Teddie's hand from his face, laughing as he did, though it sounded more pained than anything. “Dammit Ted, it's not, it's not okay!”
Teddie flinched, big eyes full of concern and confusion. “I'm sorry!”
“No, it's not you, it's…”
“Sensei?” Teddie guessed.
Yosuke nodded. Was he really so obvious?
He didn't feel the tears until they were flowing, and by then he was buried in Teddie's chest, holding him so tightly his knuckles were white.
“I'm so fucking stupid.” Yosuke choked out the words between sobs, breathless and mortified at the fact that he was confessing all of this to Teddie, of all people.
“I don't think so.” Teddie said. “I think you're smart. You've taught me a lot of things.”
The sobs subsiding, Yosuke pulled away, slightly, and shook his head. “No, you don't get it. I'm stupid enough to fall in love with someone who I know doesn't want me.”
“You love Sensei?”
Hearing Teddie say it made it feel so real, real in a way that ached.
“And he doesn't love me.”
“But you can love someone as a friend, right? Teddie loves you!” He lifted Yosuke away from his chest,
Yosuke was jealous of Teddie's naivety. “It's not that simple, Ted. Maybe he does love me as a friend. But it's not the same, it'll never fill this…this hole in my chest.”
“I think I understand, a little.” Teddie petted Yosuke on the head, an action he had done to him in bear costume when no one else was looking.
“You don't need to. I'm just happy you listened.”
“I'm beary happy to be of assistance.” Teddie's lame pun caused Yosuke to roll his eyes. “Tell me the rest later.”
Yosuke made a strangled noise. “How did you know there's more?”
Teddie ruffled Yosuke's hair and said, “Because you're my brother and I love you.”
Brother? That was the last thing he expected the bear to say. He didn't even realize how aware he was of familial feelings. But, it did sound nice.
Yosuke grinned. “I love you too.”