Work Text:
Yelena looks down at her hands, trembling. The blood is dripping, thick, wet and hot, coating her pale skin as the sound of the drops hitting the floor echoes through her eardrums. Her heartbeat thrashes against her chest painfully as she looks at what she’s done. The horror of it makes her head spin. She closes her eyes and tries to breathe, her lungs screaming inside of her, but she knows she doesn’t deserve to. It should have been her. What could this be, except a cruel mockery from the universe telling her what she knew all along. Nothing good in the world stays with Yelena Belova. She ruins everything she touches. She sinks to her knees as the silence suffocates her. The gun lies next to her, the trigger still warm from where her finger had just been. When she opens her eyes, Kate Bishop stares back at her, lifeless and cold on the ground.
-
Gasping for breath, Yelena wakes up, sweating and shaking from the nightmare that plagued her every night. She sits straight up, thrusting her hands into her sight as the feeling of blood still clings to them, sighing with relief when she sees there’s nothing there. It’s short lived however, because the memory of the nightmare floods into her brain and she bites her lip to stop the sob threatening to escape her throat. She knows now. It has to be tonight.
She just wants a little more time. She looks over at Kate, sleeping peacefully in the bed next to her. Her eyes roam over her, trying to drink her in as much as possible so the memory remains. The curves of her hips, the rising and falling of her chest, the shape of her lips. Yelena studies every part of her, the ache in her heart growing with each moment. She is perfect, and Yelena isn’t meant for perfect things. She is only meant to be perfect. The perfect weapon. The perfect assassin. Perfection in cruelty, not love.
No, Yelena was not meant for love. She had thought she was, once. When the control of her brain was lifted and her sister had come back to her. But that was a brutal mockery. She had lost her and the worst part was she had chosen to go. To leave Yelena. She wouldn’t have done that. She would’ve chosen Natasha over half of the world without a moment's hesitation. She can add that to the list of reasons why she hates herself. A selfish monster. To choose one person over billions, it’s pathetic. But she would have, given the choice.
And now, here was Kate. Her perfect, beautiful, wonderful Kate Bishop. She was not worthy to be in her presence, let alone love her. She doesn’t deserve to kiss her, to hold her, to fall asleep at night with her. She didn’t even mean to. She had fallen in love with her at the very first sight on that rooftop, and she never stopped falling since. It is the rawest, most terrifying emotion she has ever felt. Because she loves her. She cannot function without her. Every atom in her body, every cell inside of her was made to love Kate Bishop.
But the truth has been gnawing away at her like a rot, a decay in her brain. Spreading and multiplying till its claws tighten their grip on every thought she has. You don’t deserve her, Yelena. You are only what they made you to be, Yelena. Nothing more, nothing less. She will hurt her, and she knows that. It is all she has ever been good at. No, not good. Perfect.
Sometimes she wishes she had never broken free. She would be a slave, a puppet on strings, but at least she wouldn’t have to feel like this. She wouldn’t have to try and wake up each day with grief weighing so heavy on her chest it feels like it’s paralysing her. She wouldn’t have to know what life she could have had. She wouldn't have fallen in love, and she wouldn’t have to break her own heart, or Kate’s. The possibilities of what her life could have been like makes her want to purge every memory she ever made with Natasha and with Kate. She wishes she could drill directly into her brain and burn them out until all that was left was who she was supposed to be. Who they made her to be. This went against how she was designed. She was a flaw in a perfect system. Hurting people, killing people, causing destruction is what she knew. Not this love. This love cannot be meant for her because it is too much. If it was meant for her, she would have been able to keep it. It overwhelms her, takes over her mind, her body, her senses. That is how she knows she is broken. That is why she must leave.
She looks at Kate, just one last time.
She bites her lip to stop it quivering, hastily wiping the tears away from her eyes. She has to do this. For Kate. Maybe she would understand one day.
Yelena shuts the door silently behind her, heart hammering against her chest. There’s a small voice in the back of her mind that tries to tell her to stop, to not do this, but it’s drowned out by the darkness that has been weighing on her for as long as she could remember. The voice sounds like Kate, but Yelena shakes her head to get rid of it. She is doing this to save her. To save everyone. A world without Yelena is a world set free.
The gun thuds against her hip as she walks to the front door. She will go somewhere they won’t find her. Dying alone is how it should be. She won’t ruin anyone else’s life, not even in death.
Her hand reaches for the door. One more breath, one more second and Kate will be safe forever.
And then, a voice.
“You’re leaving me?”
Yelena’s stomach flips, hand frozen on top of the doorknob. She already knows from the sound of her voice that Kate is about to start crying. Don’t turn around, Yelena. You’re doing this for her. You will hurt her, Yelena, that’s all you know how to do. Her body and her mind are at odds with each other. She tries to move, to turn the handle and walk away, but her feet stay planted on the ground and her hand is gripping the handle so tightly her knuckles have turned white. Better white than red, Yelena, you know what you have to do.
The handle turns by mere millimetres, and Yelena’s heart is pounding in her ears, screaming in protest. It’s almost deafening and she can hear Kate breathing behind her and she can’t stop herself, she has to see her just one more time, before everything ends she just wants to look at the love of her life for one more second.
She caves, the aching need to look at Kate overthrowing all of her senses and she turns to see her standing a few steps away, eyes glistening in the moonlight as tears run down her face, her expression full of shock, confusion and hurt.
“Please don’t go,” Kate whispers.
Yelena can feel her body start to shake, the emotion rising up inside of her, the tears already starting to form in her eyes and she squeezes them shut to stop it, but even with them closed she can still see Kate’s heartbroken face in front of her.
“I have to,” Yelena whispers back, opening her eyes to look back at Kate.
Kate bites her lip and shakes her head before taking a few steps forward but Yelena stays frozen, with the door behind her, calling out to her, whispering her name.
“Why?” Kate asks, softly, and all Yelena wants to do is run as far away as possible from that question, but she can’t. She supposes that this is the last time she’ll ever see Kate, so she owes her this much at least.
She stays silent for a long time, getting lost inside her own mind. She didn’t plan for this. Why did she turn around? She knows why, and it terrifies her. She loves her, and that is why she will hurt her. Killing is all she knows. But Kate’s blood will not be on her hands. She will stop herself before ever letting that happen. Kate’s voice brings her back into the room.
“Don’t you love me anymore?”
Yelena inhales sharply, her heart squeezing painfully at Kate’s words. Before she can stop herself, she closes the gap between them, taking Kate’s hands in hers and looking directly up into her shining eyes.
“Kate Bishop…every breath that enters my lungs is taken for you. Every time my heart beats it is for you. There is no part of my soul that doesn’t love you.”
Kate is crying harder now and Yelena pulls her into a hug, their bodies pressed together tightly and Yelena wishes she could stay in this moment forever, the last moment before the end. Just her and Kate, and the bullet in the gun waiting for her.
“I don’t understand, Yelena, please, talk to me, how can you say that and still leave?” Kate sobs into her shoulder.
Yelena holds her head with the back of her hand, rubbing her hair softly with her other arm wrapped around her waist. She can feel her own tears falling down her face, hot and fast and she squeezes tightly one more time before pulling away slightly to reach up and wipe the tears from Kate’s cheeks with her thumb.
She can see Kate’s eyes searching Yelena’s face for answers and she knows this is it now.
“Please…” Kate says in a voice so low Yelena can barely hear it.
Yelena swallows thickly, and she can feel her heartbeat speed up as she looks into the eyes of the woman she has fallen so hard for. Too hard. Their foreheads connect as they breathe each other in, both holding each other by the waist before Yelena closes her eyes and finally speaks.
“There is something wrong with me.”
It comes out in a whisper, but she knows Kate heard it by the way her breath hitches and the grip on her waist gets stronger. She knows the truth now. She knows that all Yelena is is a shell of what is supposed to be a human being. A defect product. A malfunction. She opens her eyes to find Kate staring at her in utter despair. She needs her to understand. She is doing this to save her.
“I am broken, Kate. You think you can try to fix me but you can’t. I have hurt people. Killed people. And I’m good at it. It is the only thing I can do. But I will not do that to you. I am sorry, Kate Bishop,” Yelena pauses, vocalising what the voice in her head has been telling her. “It is because I love you that I know I will hurt you. This is the only way.”
Yelena breaks away from Kate, nausea filling her stomach at the look on her face but she knows she has to go, it’s better this than her dying, and she knows what that looks like, has seen it in her dreams every night. She turns back to the door before Kate can even say anything in response, and Yelena tries so hard to steady herself, every step feeling like someone is dragging her down, every breath coming in ragged and short and her head is spinning but she forces herself to keep moving, to walk away from Kate.
Though her ears are ringing she hears footsteps behind her and then Kate’s hand is on her arm, whirling her around before she can even stop her. Kate looks at her, breathing heavily, her face flushed and red and her eyes so intense Yelena can barely stand to look before Kate is cupping both of her cheeks and pulling her in, crashing their lips together.
Yelena freezes for a second before melting into the kiss, their lips moving furiously and passionately against each other and it’s so intense that she can barely even breathe, all she can feel is Kate, who’s crying as she kisses her and Yelena is crying too but they don’t stop, just keep kissing and it’s everything, everything that they both need in that moment. Yelena doesn’t know how long the kiss lasts, it could’ve been an hour, Kate’s grip on her face holding her steady and Yelena moves to wrap her arms around Kate’s waist to get as close to her as possible and right now there’s no one else in the world but them.
They break apart, panting, and Yelena doesn’t think she even has the ability to speak, every part of her body was vibrating with the intensity of that kiss. She tries to open her mouth to say something, anything, but Kate kisses her again before she can, before pulling away slightly, her hands still cupping Yelena’s face.
Yelena searches Kate’s eyes, she had no idea what was coming next. Kate takes a deep breath before she speaks, never breaking eye contact with Yelena.
“I don’t want to fix you. If you’re broken, let me love you broken. You’re scared to hurt me, and I know that. But, I promise you…nothing would hurt me more than you walking out that door right now.”
Kate is looking so deeply and so softly at Yelena it almost makes her knees buckle. The question leaves her mouth without her even intending it to.
“What if I kill you?”
The silence hangs in the air between them and then Kate takes one of Yelena’s hands and brings it so she’s holding her palm against her chest. Yelena can feel Kate’s heart thudding under her fingertips and she looks down at their hands before looking back up at Kate. She waits with bated breath to hear her answer, and she doesn’t know what she ever did to have this woman standing in front of her right now but the next words that leave Kate’s mouth knock the breath right out of her lungs.
“It would still hurt me less than this.”
A beat passes as the words reach Yelena’s ears and then a sob escapes her throat, loud and raw and aching and she falls into Kate, who pulls her in tighter and stronger than she ever has before and there is nothing in Yelena’s brain except Kate, beautiful, perfect, Kate who wants to love her even though she is broken, even though she might hurt her. The tears are flowing faster than ever and in her sobs she releases all of the fear, all of the hurt and the pain and the anger and instead of the darkness, Yelena lets herself drown in the love, the strength, the security, the safety of Kate Bishop.
The front door stays closed, and Yelena can’t hear its whispers anymore, not for tonight at least. The gun goes back in the drawer. The bullets come out of the chamber. Kate holds Yelena until she can’t cry anymore, and when she finally falls asleep, the nightmare doesn’t come.