Work Text:
I had a thought today that didn’t settle right with me.
I’m Pangender. I use any/all pronouns. I found out about this after I realized that I didn’t care what pronouns I was referred to, thanks to who I can say is my family by heart.
But I never have told my family-by-blood about this. And I’m scared that if I do, they won’t accept me.
I feel foolish for being afraid. My brother is asexual and has a flag hanging in his room and it seems like my mother and father don’t care too much about the community, which is fine. My father even says that people within the community shouldn’t be treated as something special, which I absolutely get; we’re more open and free now than ever before and it seems like nowadays you will always find someone who’s gay or trans. We’re not that scarce and hidden anymore. And besides, it’s not too much of a change; they can still use the same pronouns I was used to.
But I still feel scared. It’s likely that my father will be the least accepting if I were to tell him. Even then, they might still say the usual “You’re too young to be thinking about this stuff”, which I say is obvious bullshit.
Of course, I have the family and friends from online who are mostly to fully queer, but I feel like they are too much sometimes. So, as a last resort… I’m turning to a canonically queer character and I’m taking comfort in them.
Sure. We are not the same. They have anger issues and are very artistic and passionate, while I just don’t care mostly and just like to get the job done. We’re not even the same gender, no, practically opposites… but that doesn’t matter, now does it. Maybe it’s because I’m not constantly getting stuck in competitions surrounded by people I probably hate.
But the more I watch them, the more I look at their moments, whether they are angry, jolly, or hurt, they feel… human. Just like me. I enjoy their moments much and while I have to wait a while before they interact with my favorite of the bunch, I still take pleasure.
And then… I get to Season 2, Episode 12. And when I get to that scene, it feels… comforting.
Their ‘friend’ comes over and tries to cheer them up, since they lost the challenge.
“I’d tell you good luck, Painty, but who needs luck when we both got the skills that kills?”
“And our combined skills work… even if I get mad. So… I guess that makes them… mad skills?”
Their friend laughed before the small realization came over them. “Eh, I don’t get it,” she said heartily. They sighed before speaking again.
“I’m sorry I said we shouldn’t work together…”
“Yeah, uh… Yeah, why did you say that?” Their friend asks.
“I guess I’m just… used to doing things my own way. It’s… hard to explain…”
Like me, I think, before hearing their friend snap her fingers.
“Eh, I think I get it. I gotchu, girrrr- Uh… guy?” She was struggling, and they just raised an eyebrow at her. She then noticed the motion on their face. “Wait, why are you doing that weird eyebrow thing?”
I saw her count on her fingers before realization came over her and she slaps her forehead in revelation. “Oh, it’s C , isn’t it- none of the above!” I saw them smile and so did I before they sighed again.
“That’s why I don’t bring it up. I don’t think they even know there is a C,” they explain, before their friend picks up a red crab.
“Really?” She says while picking up the crab. “Well, Baxter here knows there’s a C. He loves the C! Without it, he’s just a rab.”
Baxter blinks before the two burst into laughter. Before they would start rolling around, though, the crab nips her hand and she exclaims her pain before muttering “I hate rabs”, which causes Painty to giggle.
I felt extremely comforted by that scene and even more comforted when my mind reminded me that while this episode came out before Season 3, their voice actor nowadays probably also had to experience something like this. In fact, I’m pretty sure anybody who’s had to come out to their friends and family about their identity and/or sexuality experienced something like it.
Of course, I haven’t yet. But I can already imagine what Painty would have said if I told them I was Pangender and what I was going through right now.
“I don’t have a problem with whatever you identify as. As long as you’re happy, you should be free with who you tell your identity to. You can wait as long as you want to tell your family-by-blood that you’re Pangender. And even if they don’t accept you for who you are, I will.”
Maybe one day I can say who I am to my family freely. Maybe I should practice coming out sometime. Maybe I should tell their voice actor about these feelings. Maybe I should just keep to myself. Regardless, I realize that I never came out to you, so I will do it now.
Some of you may know me as Spiritmander, but that of course isn’t my actual name. My name is Raquel. I am Pangender Questioning and you can refer to me by any and all pronouns. I wish anybody reading this that they accept me for who I am.