Archive of Our Own

Valentines day, a day for couples to celebrate their love by buying each other expensive flowers and even more expensive chocolates. 

Dazai hadn’t celebrated the holiday since he was a teenager and gave Chuuya chocolates with so much alcohol in them he was throwing them back up within two hours. That had been one of their best dates to date. 

But it was a long time ago now, and he didn't celebrate it anymore. 

“What’s this?” Atsushi asked. He was holding onto a pink envelope with his name on it. He was twisting it around in his hands, it had Dazai leaning closer to inspect it as well.
“Open it!” He said “I bet it’s a confession!”
Atsushi flinched back at the words and made a face “I’m sure it’s not Dazai-san, it’s probably a prank” 

Atsushi opened it, then read it out loud.
“You’ve been invited to watch a movie together with your ‘could've been’, to settle the grief or rekindle the love, then there's a time and place” Atsushi blinked. “What?” 

Dazai hummed quietly as he read it “Who’s your ‘could’ve been’?”
Atsushi’s face grew a bright shade of red, Dazai already knew the answer anyway. 

The others of the agency walked up to them to read it and tease Atsushi further. 

Dazai sat back at his desk, his own letter weighing heavily in his pocket. It hadn’t been exactly the same. His read: You’ve been invited to watch a movie together with your ‘one who got away’, to settle the grief or rekindle the love. 

It wasn’t the same as Atsushi’s but the idea was.
There weren't a lot of people who knew the nature of his and Chuuya’s relationship, and none of those people would’ve sent these weird envelopes. Which meant that most probably this was some sort of an ability. 

What he didn’t get was how a movie would rekindle anything. 

“It seems quite a few people have received similar invitations” Kunikida said “There’s been reports on it, some people have already been to the movie”
Dazai wanted to ask, but waited for someone else to do it for him. 

“What kinda movie is it?” Atsushi asked.
“It’s a movie showing you and that person's time together. We think it’s an ability user who’s doing it” 

Dazai breathed a sigh of relief. That meant whatever would be shown couldn’t be from his perspective. 

~

He went, because he couldn’t not go. The ability wouldn’t work on Dazai, which simply meant he’d be watching their life from Chuuya’s point of view. It sounded like lots of fun. 

It was a normal theater, with rows of seats and a big screen at the front. 

Chuuya was there, pacing back and forth in front of the front row. 

“I didn’t think you’d show up” Dazai said and meant it. He thought he’d watch Chuuya’s recollection of their life together alone. He’d live through it on his own, and he’d walk out of here on his own. 

“I’m not fucking letting you watch this” Chuuya seethed. He wore simple jeans and a hoodie, so unlike his normal outfit Dazai almost got whiplash.
“You’re not gonna stop me,” Dazai grinned. He jumped down to the bottom seats and sat down, grinning up at Chuuya.
“Yeah?” Chuuya grabbed his arm and pulled. No matter how heavy Dazai made himself he was still dragged halfway out the seat, he had to grab onto it and try to keep himself anchored, even when it felt like his arms would be ripped off. 

“Let go!” Chuuya hissed. “We’re fucking leaving!” 

“No way!” Dazai whined and hugged onto the backrest “I wanna watch you embarrass yourself!”’
“Fuck no!”

“Oh come on!” He turned his head slightly to glare at Chuuya, “I know it all already, don’t you wanna figure out how the ability works?”
“I’d rather-”

He was interrupted by the lights dimming and the screen coming to life. Chuuya paused to turn and look at it. 

They saw Dazai, smaller with more bandages, standing amongst buildings, waiting on something. 

Chuuya grinned as he promptly let Dazai drop to the ground and took a seat next to him in the closest chair.
“Okay, this is good though” 

Within the second a smaller Chuuya had appeared on screen, and Dazai was kicked into a wall. 

It was their first meeting and they watched the short fight with different levels of excitement. Dazai made it back up on his chair and elbowed Chuuya’s arm away from the middle armrest. 

“Man, I was still so bad at fighting,” Chuuya said. He relaxed a little, and watched the scene with way too much glee. 

Dazai wanted to point out that it wouldn’t keep being this easy to watch. While sure, their first meeting had been fun, most of their interactions were still painful to even think about. 

Soon the scene changed and Dazai was confessing his love, within that same week.

Chuuya snickered “How embarrassing for you” He said. 

Dazai rolled his eyes but kept watching. He decidedly ignored that his partner was willingly sitting close to him for the first time in almost five years. He wanted to watch Chuuya instead of the screen, to see his every reaction to what happened. But that would be sappy, and Dazai didn’t do sappy. 

Instead he kept his eyes on the screen.

There were short instances they watched, where Chuuya accidentally touched him and pulled his hand back as if burnt and they could both clearly see the fear in his eyes. He kept doing it, and sometimes he came with excuses to touch each other even if they didn’t need to. 

“You were so in love with me” Dazai teased and accepted the punch to his shoulder. 

As if the room heard him the scene changed. He saw lupin, saw three people sitting at a bar, Dazai must’ve been seventeen by then. 

“What’s this?” Dazai leaned a little closer with furrowed eyebrows.
“How are they showing your memories?” Chuuya agreed in confusion. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen, Dazai had a literal anti-ability, how could they see his memories?

But the movie didn’t slow down for them to figure it out, it sped right on and showed a conversation that had happened years ago. 

It showed Dazai drunk, laughing, throwing his arms around, somehow not spilling his drink. His hair was messy and bandages a little askew. 

“I don’t remember this” Dazai said “So how is it in the movie?”
Chuuya shrugged. 

“Come on Odasaku!” The Dazai on the screen was laughing. “Tell me!”
Oda sighed, but there was a slight smile on his lips “Yes, I’ve been in love before”
“Was it good?” Dazai’s eyes sparkled. He really looked like a child, wanting to know everything the world could give. “Can it be?”
Odasaku shook his head at his weird questions “Why are you asking Dazai? Is there something you want to tell us?” It was teasing, but his voice was warm all the same. 

“Doesn’t it sound as if he himself is in love?” Ango asked.
Younger Dazai’s eyes widened and slapped a hand over Ango’s mouth “Don’t say it out loud! What if someone hears you!?” 

Oda and Ango looked between each other over Dazai’s head. They obviously weren't sure what to do with this information. 

“You were so in love with me” Chuuya leaned in to whisper.
Dazai only rolled his eyes in turn, apparently he was. 

“I just wanted to know” Dazai on the screen said and turned to Oda “Does it always hurt?”
Oda’s eyes widenedm, but there was no answer. 

The scene bled into the next one. Dazai wanted to know what Oda had wanted to say, but he could understand the gist of it by the sad smile on his face. 

He sank into the seat slightly when he recognized the next scene. Of all things he hadn’t wanted to watch this at all.
Chuuya seemed to share his sentiment, his eyes strayed to the floor instead. But it wouldn’t matter, they could hear it all the same. 

“Stop fucking with me all the time!” Chuuya on the screen yelled. He sounded hoarse, as if they had already been arguing for hours. It had only been a few minutes. 

They stood on top of a building, one of the tallest in Yokohama, and the wind swept their hair around every which way. 

“Says you,” Dazai deadpanned. They were still in their mafia outfits, still seventeen, still idiots. “You’re the one who keeps messing up and blaming it on me, how do you think that looks?” 

“It looks like you don’t fucking give a shit about me thats what!” Chuuya screeched “All you ever fucking do it try to emberass me and then laugh when it works. Well lucky you, I’m done with this! you’ve fucking won!”
Dazai rolled his eyes, it was clear whatever they were arguing about didn’t interest him in the slightest. For all they knew he was probably doing it just to rile Chuuya up. 

“Thanks Chuuya” He deadpanned “I feel oh so honored by you letting me win , as if I hadn’t already” 

“I fucking hate you!” Chuuya bit “I never wanted to be your partner to begin with, it’s a miracle you’ve even made it this far!” 

“Calling yourself a miracle is a little conceited, don't you think?” Dazai scoffed then froze, his brain catching up to his mouth a little too late.
Chuuya was staring wide eyed as well, slowly processing what he just said. 

Dazai on the screen stepped back, toward the edge of the building. He looked scared. Though it didn’t show very well, he had basically just confessed to Chuuya being the reason he was alive. It was big for the two of them, all they ever did was throw barbs and insults at each other. 

“I only meant to call you-” Dazai tried but stumbled over the words and couldn’t finish the sentence. He took another step back, his heel right above the drop. If he leaned back even slightly he’d fall. 

“What did you mean?” Chuuya asked slowly. He wasn’t angry anymore, only confused. 

Dazai didn’t answer. He stared at his partner for a long few minutes, it was excruciating to watch. The staredown where one of them had to speak first. 

“We’re only partners” Chuuya said finally “What the fuck do you mean you live for me”
Dazai shook his head “I said because of you, you won’t let me succeed with my suicide attempts it’s-”
“That’s not what you meant” Chuuya glared at him, so stupidly sure of himself. For once he had a right to be, he was right. 

Dazai stepped back, and fell. He didn’t get far, Chuuya was there instantly, an arm around his waist and the other hand on Dazai’s wrist, keeping him up. He was still dipped backward like in a dance, so close to falling but not quite. 

If he kicked off now they would both fall to their deaths. 

Dazai’s eyes were terrified. Not to fall, but to confess what he had meant.
“I-” their eyes met and Dazai stood frozen again, completely trusting Chuuya to not drop him as he sorted through his thoughts. “You must’ve noticed I always fail, trying to kill myself, I-” He pulled in a sharp breath. “For some reason I always leave room for error, knowing you’ll get me in time” 

They stood still like statues, backlit by the setting sun, they hadn’t moved and Chuuya looked completely shocked. 

“Do you like me?” Chuuya asked “Like, romantically?”
Dazai gave a bitter smile “Like isn’t even close to what I feel, and love wouldn’t explain half of it” 

Chuuya finally pulled them back onto the rooftop. Dazai stumbled past him and tried to make it to the door but didn’t make it far enough to run away. Chuuya still had a vice grip on his wrist. 

“Chuuya?” Dazai asked and pulled at his wrist. He pointedly glanced at their arms and tried to get away. 

Chuuya shook his head and turned fully to watch his partner. 

“If you let me go I can leave” Dazai said. He looked thoroughly uncomfortable and kept glancing at the door.
“Shut up” Chuuya breathed “I can’t think” 

“Can you usually?” Dazai muttered but was ignored. He looked away from his partner.
“How can I believe you?” 

Dazai startled “What?”
“You always lie to me, that’s literally your motto. Have you ever told me something truthful?” 

Dazai took the way out the second he saw it, knew he could say it had all been a lie and that the confession was completely made up. 

Slowly so slowly a grin stretched over Dazai’s lips. “I didn’t think you’d catch on slug” He teased. “Usually you’re a lot slower than this”

This was when Chuuya should blow up, yell at him again for lying, for trying to hurt him. But he only blinked at Dazai, slowly, as realization sank in

Chuuya pulled at his arm so hard that Dazai stumbled into him, wide eyed he caught himself against Chuuya’s chest. They were close, looking at each other, waiting for the other to act first. 

“Tell me again you didn’t mean it” Chuuya mumbled, he was watching him so closely, to notice any single twitch of a lie. 

Dazai’s eyes flickered from deep blue to his lips. Something came over him, maybe he was possessed. 

He leaned in, hesitated, then closed the distance. The world stopped as they slowly kissed for the first time. 

Dazai watched himself on the screen, how they had grabbed onto each other, how their lips stayed slotted together for an eternity.
“It wasn’t as bad as I remember,” He said.
Chuuya snorted quietly “It was worse than I remember” His eyes had moved to the screen somewhere along the line. They both sat watching their first kiss in the quiet room. 

Things hadn’t automatically become easier just because they had kissed. There were still issues, mainly with Dazai trying to self-destruct every step of the way. 

They watched him start argument after argument, they watched him anger Chuuya every step of the way, they watched him regret it every single time. 

They watched Chuuya fight back, how he’d hold him down and how he wouldn’t get riled up quite as often. 

Luckily they didn’t have to watch the first time they slept together, but they did watch a scene equally as terrible. 

Chuuya was the main character in this scene, they watched him walk into his apartment only to find Dazai already sprawled on his couch. He made an annoyed sound but didn’t otherwise interact with him, they had had an argument recently, one that had lasted for days already. Dazai was ready to get over it, Chuuya was not. 

Dazai on the screen followed his Chuuya into the kitchen and hummed a soft song to announce himself to not startle his partner. Chuuya stood by the sink, gripping onto it with whitened knuckles. 

“I can’t keep doing this” Chuuya spoke first “I can’t be the only one who tries” 

Dazai in the present cringed back at that statement. He saw how Chuuya could believe he didn’t try, he didn’t exactly show it very well. But he did spend most of his days with Chuuya on his mind, he knew the things he did wrong and he tried to fix them. But when his mind went dark it destroyed everything around him. He wasn’t as bad nowadays, not at all, but back then he was awful. 

“Well,” Dazai on the screen leaned against the kitchen counter and looked at Chuuya’s tense shoulders. They must be almost eighteen by now, early winter before their birthdays. Dazai sighed “I’m aware” He said. 

“You cant just-” Chuuya spun and pointed a finger at him “You can’t keep doing this! Why do I have to fight for the both of us! Why can’t you just fucking try!?”
Dazai looked up at the cieling, trying to gather his thoughts to find something useful to say. But Chuuya wasn’t done. 

“Goddamn it Dazai!” He yelled “I fucking love you! But I can’t keep going like this! Do you even fucking care!?” 

Dazai had turned his chin back down to stare at his partner with wide eyes. “You love me?” He breathed and he looked so broken, an expression he had never seen on himself before. 

Chuuya was stiff in the chair beside him with his hands clasped in his lap. They both knew how it went after this. 

They watched Dazai gasp in a breath as Chuuya held him together. 

“I’m sorry” Dazai had whispered for probably the first and last time in his life. “I’ll do better” 

And he did do better, he got himself together when it came to Chuuya, he touched him softly and whispered his love so often Chuuya had to tell him to stop. He had cried the next time they slept together, so overwhelmed just by feeling an ounce of love that he couldn’t keep himself together. And while they didn’t get to see it on the screen they both knew just how much that night had changed everything. 

In the next scene they both laid in Chuuya’s bed, early morning, barely awake. They were softer now, they were eighteen and madly in love. They touched each other lightly and kissed every chance they got. 

The scene slowly changed, to where Dazai had left and Chuuya laid there by himself. He flickered something into the air, it reflected in the morning light. He caught it again perfectly and looked at the ring for a moment, then the door. 

Dazai glanced at Chuuya beside him, his expression was harsh, he’d look angry if Dazai didn’t know better. He was better at hiding his feelings nowadays, he was tougher and his eyes didn’t say as much. But Dazai would always know his Chuuya better than anyone. 

When the next scene started playing Dazai tried to get up out of the seat but a hand on his arm stopped him, pulling him back down forcefully. Chuuya let him go when he sat back down but didn’t once look at him, his eyes were on the screen. 

Dazai did look to the side though, right at Chuuya, it was all he could do to not watch the scene. 

Odasaku’s voice played over the speakers and Dazai couldn’t breathe.
“Be on the side that saves people, save the orphans”
Then it grew quiet, but he could see by the shocked expression on Chuuya's face what they were watching. It was the night Dazai left.

Chuuya had been out of the country when it happened. So when Dazai showed up it was a few days later. 

He stood outside of their apartment, looking up at the lit windows. Dazai had already defected by now, he wore less bandages and no mafia black. 

He held one single silver ring in his hand, gripping it tightly. He didn’t want to leave. 

He remembered it so clearly, he wanted to stay, or take Chuuya with him. All he wanted was to go back to him, to kiss him and apologize and say he never meant for this. He hadn’t known their last kiss would be their last, that warm morning long before Odasaku died. If he had known he would’ve made it more memorable. 

He threw the silver band up into the air and caught it again perfectly. 

The sounds changed and Dazai turned to watch again. 

Chuuya was opening a bottle of Petrus, grumbling something to himself. It was the same night, if only he had looked out the window he’d see Dazai standing there. 

Instead he drank his wine and paced the floor. He was angry, and hurt, and defeated. Dazai had left, and it had finally sunk in. He wasn’t coming back. 

Chuuya was staring at the other ring, laying there on the kitchen island, mocking him.
Eventually he lost the silent argument he was having with it, he picked it up and threw it as hard as he could with an enraged yell at the furthest wall. 

It never hit, it floated in the air right before impact. 

Slowly the ring floated back to him, and he only sighed before pocketing it. 

The scene darkened and Dazai wondered what would come next. He didn’t think many important things had happened since he left. 

At the very least it couldn’t get much worse than it already was. 

The next scene was of Chuuya, he was talking to Kouyou over tea.
“How have you been?” She asked simply.
“Same as always,” He said casually. He looked normal, this couldn't be long after the previous one.
“Are you sure?”
Chuuya looked at Kouyou for a long moment before he shrugged “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

She gave him a disappointed look, but it was warm all the same.
“Because Dazai left, and you’re still here”
“I want to be here” He said “I don’t care what he does” It was defensive, obviously so.
“You were dating weren’t you?” 

Chuuya didn’t answer, he simply sipped his tea and looked at her quietly, it was answer enough. 

The next scene started almost instantly. It was Dazai this time, pacing the room he was in, it was small and ratty, cheap.
He had his phone in his hand, the text app open but he couldn’t look at it half the time.
They saw the date next time he looked down at it, April 1st, the day they had gotten together. 

He held onto the phone with both hands, staring down at it with nothing but regret in his eyes. The slug emojis were taunting him, but he never even started a message. There were a hundred things he could say and none would be received right. He wanted to talk with him, but there was no point. 

Dazai in the present looked to the side, to find those hard eyes glued to the screen. 

Dazai leaned his elbows on his knees and his head on his hands before the next scene started. 

They were now watching Chuuya telling Akutagawa not to talk about Dazai. His tone was short and eyes pained. 

And then sounds of a bed creaking and bodies slapping together filled the room. Dazai jerked back with wide eyes. He did remember this, but they hadn’t shown any sex scenes until now, so why this? 

They luckily didn’t see a lot, the screen was simply zoomed in on Dazai’s hand gripping onto someone else’s back, they listened to his drunken rambling. They listened to him breathing Chuuya’s name on repeat as someone else fucked him. On his hand sat that silver ring snugly around his finger.
“Chuuya!” He cried. “Chuuya, Chuuya Chuuya-”

Chuuya huffed next to him but didn’t comment. He could feel his face burning, could feel the absolute shame of his partner having to see this. He really must look so pathetic. 

“I was drunk” Dazai muttered, as if that would make anything better. The gasps of Chuuya’s name died down and made way for the next scene. 

“Guess it’s my turn” Chuuya hummed. 

They watched him stagger down the street, with Tachihara there, keeping him upright. They were talking about something, and Tachihara seemed drunk as well.
“Who even is that?” Tachihara laughed “You keep talking about some ‘bastard with bandages for brains’”
Chuuya stopped for a moment to look at Tachihara “I forgot you never met him” He pulled the other along, even as he slurred a little he explained “He was my partner, what is it now, two years ago?” Chuuya giggled slightly and almost missed the curb when they stepped onto the street “I guess technically he was more than that” He smiled “My worst nemesis, the only person I trust, the love of my life” Chuuya laughed again “What the fuck ever, you’d hate him, he was a dickhead to everyone around him-”

Dazai couldn't breathe. He watched the scene, heard Chuuya call him the love of his life and couldn’t handle it. He gripped onto his own hands and squeezed while his stomach felt as if it was twisting in on itself. 

“But I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world” Chuuya finished his little tirade. He patted Tachihara on the back with a grin, “You’ll find something like it one day” He said “Don’t let them leave like I did” 

The scene bled into the next one. Dazai was barely watching. It was him again, and he was talking with Yosano about something, they were out drinking it seemed. He did remember this, it was only two years ago. They spoke about the mafia, and what had happened. Apparently trauma bonding is a thing people did.
“I hate that whole place” Yosano sighed “Fuck them all”
Dazai hummed with a smile.
“This is where you’re supposed to agree with me” Yosano deadpanned, "don't tell me there’s people there you like?” 

“Well…” Dazai swirled his whiskey around “Hirotsu, the old man, is pretty nice” He said “Though he did spend most his days babysitting me and my partner, he probably got really tired of us”
She furrowed her eyebrows “You had a partner? In the mafia?”
He understood it was hard to believe, partnership wasn’t something the mafia was known for.
“Yep!” He grinned “I’m sure you’ll meet him one day, he’s small and angry, you’d like him”
She made a face “I don’t know about that” 

Dazai snorted “Out of the two of us, he was the better half”
“Oh” She grinned slightly “That’s high praise coming from you, now I will have to meet him” 

Dazai wanted to sigh in relief. They were almost at the present now. Whatever was left wouldn't be as bad. 

They watched Chuuya gather himself before walking down the steps to the dungeons, putting on this air of confidence when he was really terrified to meet his old partner again. 

They watched Dazai smile softly every time Chuuya wasn’t looking, when he was passed out from corruption or had his back turned. His eyes told so many things he never dared to say out loud. 

They saw Chuuya silently watch him when he could, his gaze searching each and every time. As if he was waiting on something. Maybe he just wanted the truth finally, maybe he waited for Dazai to stop being a coward. 

They watched as Chuuya cursed someone out for talking shit about Dazai and then watched Dazai’s expression when Chuuya had been used against him in a fight. Dazai would never win against Chuuya, he wouldn’t even try. 

Eventually credits rolled, and they sat silently as the room brightened up once again. 

Dazai got up first. He stepped to the side and looked toward the exit. They should maybe talk about it but he was a coward and always had been, he wanted to leave. 

Chuuya, of course, called him out on it.
“Are you gonna leave now?” It sounded tired. He got up as well and waited. 

Dazai turned toward him and fished out the chain around his neck after only a moment of hesitation. The ring shone in the dim light, he pulled it off of the chain and held it out for Chuuya. 

“You never actually gave it to me,” He said.
Chuuya took it and held it up between them, inspecting it quietly. 

Dazai walked away, because he should. They were on different sides, they had separate lives now. 

“Why are you still alive?” 

He stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around. 

“What?”
“You heard me” Chuuya was watching him expectantly. He was so far from the boy he had loved years ago, he wasn’t as soft, not as easy to read. Dazai loved him the same either way. 

“People care about me” Dazai said “The agency does at least, some of them would be sad if I died”
“And?”
“And I made a promise to Odasaku, I haven’t fulfilled it yet”
“Haven't you?” Chuuya raised an eyebrow at him “You saved the world, isn’t that plenty good?”
Dazai shrugged “I can’t die as long as you’re here”
“Why?”
“Because of corruption”
Chuuya shook his head “Try again”

His heart was hammering in his chest and something like ice rushed through his stomach.
“In case you forgive me one day” Dazai breathed “And you’ll take me back” He watched Chuuya’s eyes but they didn’t change much, he already knew the answer.

Hope was a dangerous thing, but he’d always hold onto it, at least when it came to Chuuya. Chuuya who was still holding onto his ring.

Said ring flew through the air then, and Dazai caught it perfectly as always. 

“You can keep it” Chuuya said “I forgave you long ago” he shrugged with one shoulder, looking a little sheepish “If that wasn’t obvious”

It really wasn’t. 

“If you give me an inch I’ll take a mile” He pointed out but Chuuya only grinned.
“I’m aware” 

Dazai finally let out the breath he was holding and walked into the other’s space. Chuuya grabbed onto him in turn and they kissed for the first time in years. 

After the heartbreak and the longing, this kiss felt like their first. More perfect than that time, and infinitely more meaningful. 

“I’m not letting you go this time” Chuuya muttered against his lips between kisses.
Dazai shook his head “I’m not leaving”