Chapter Text
It was a dream... no, a nightmare. Dreams were pleasant, or at least tolerable. They didn't make you toss and turn; they didn't make it feel like a lead weight of durasteel was crushing your chest. And they didn't cause you to jump up from your bed, body drenched in sweat.
Revan gasped, trying desperately to catch her breath.
"My love... are you okay?" asked a Cathar accented voice.
Revan looked over to see two shining golden eyes in the dark. "I'm fine, Juhani, just... bad dream is all," she said through panted breaths.
"You've been having a lot of those lately,” the other Jedi noted.
The human woman brushed a hand over her face pulling back the sweat and stray strands of hair. "Yeah, guess I have. It's... I think I'm remembering things again… sort of. It's still a blur. I remember me and Malak going into the unknown regions. I remember we confronted.... someone. Then—“ Revan paused again, trying desperately to regain focus on the blurry vision that haunted her dreams—
She couldn't.
It wasn't just that she couldn't remember. It also physically hurt to even try. Whether that was the Jedi's doing or this threat, she vaguely recalled, Revan couldn't say. And it's not like the Council would volunteer the knowledge. Bastila might, but then again, even she didn't know everything.
Revan tried harder, and it was like someone had lit her brain on fire. The pain... it was so hard. Revan shuttered slightly as she felt a few tears drip across her face.
"Ra svet?!" Juhani shouted in her native tongue as her arms held the former Sith Lord in a protective embrace. "You need to stop. This is hurting you."
"I need to know. I want to know," Revan said in a pleading tone she would never let anyone else hear. Because, of course, the great Revan didn't show such weaknesses. Not Revan the slayer of Mandalorians, Revan the Sith Lord, Revan the redeemed... Revan the broken, Revan the ‘no matter what I do I will never make up for my past crimes’.
Somehow, she guessed those last two wouldn't catch on like the first three did.
"But not like this," Juhani pleaded. "This isn't helping you. It's just hurting you, further."
"Maybe I deserve to be hurt," Revan said.
"No, you don't. You've made amends for the person you were. You're better now. Let go of the past. Focus on what we have now. Please... just try." Juhani clasped her fellow Jedi’s hands into hers as she stared pleadingly at her lover.
Revan gulped, "Okay I'll try."
"You Promise?" The Cathar woman asked in a timid, nervous tone.
"Promise,” Revan lied.
***
It was a week later that the Republic's hero disappeared from the Jedi temple. She did it alone, under the cover of darkness. No, Ebon Hawk, no mission who was like a daughter to her. No Bastilla who was a sister. No protective Carth or life-debted Zaalbar, no brave Canderous, no loyal droid's assassin or otherwise. No wise stogy Jedi mentors, and no Juhani. Definitely no Juhani.
Revan grabbed a small bundle of supplies as she made her way to a small freighter she rented. She was halfway aboard when a stern, curious voice entered her ears.
"Going on a trip, are we?"
The former Sith sighed. Speaking of wise stogy Jedi mentors. "Hey, Jolee."
"Hey, yourself,” he muttered disapprovingly. "You know, you could at least say goodbye."
"I can't actually, because that would defeat the whole purpose of sneaking off. There's something out there. I can feel it. Calling to me. I need to face it... alone."
Jolee sighed. "You kids today, so brave, so stoic... so stupid."
Revan frowned. "I need to do this, Jolee. Are you going to try and stop me?"
"Who me? Naw I'm too old to be fighting you. You do what you want. But you know this is going to break that poor girl's heart, right?"
Revan's frown becomes more regretful. "Yeah, I know. But I'll come back. I just need to get some things sorted out first. Like I said, there's something out in the unknown regions. Something that hurt me and Malak back in the day. Something that might have even made us the way we were."
"And you think it's a good idea to face something like that alone, do you?"
"I don't think I have a choice." Revan sighed "Could you... could you tell her I'm sorry and that I'll try to find my way back to her? Could you tell her..." Revan swallowed. "Never mind."
"What?"
"I said never mind."
His brows furrowed and the older Jedi let out a sigh. "If you wanted me to tell her, you love her. I will. But—"
"I don't want that, actually,” Revan cut in.
"Right, because if you don't come back, it'll be harder for her to move on."
Revan blinked back a few tears, damned old man. He always thinks he's so clever. She wished she could prove him wrong. "Yeah, pretty much. Just tell her I'm sorry. I wish I was a better girlfriend."
"Hmm,” Jolee hummed. "You know, someday you're going to meet someone with an even bigger martyr and guilt complex than you and when that happens, you'll realize just how crazy you seem to the rest of us."
"I'm sorry, I know I'm hard to put up with," Revan said as she finished entering her ship.
"Don't be sorry, just... come back to us in one peace. You damned crazy fool."
"I'll try my best,” she replied before powering up the ship's hyper-drive and flying off.
***
Revan gave a loud groan as she entered hyperspace. "Heh… ‘kid’. For Ashla's sake I'm twenty... thirty?" Her nose scrunched up. Just how old was she? The person she thought she was, Reven knew, to be twenty-seven. Kira stark. But Kira was fake, a made-up persona with made-up memories. So then how old was Revan?
"Just another thing about myself that I'll never know," the dark-haired Jedi complained aloud. Oh well, there were bigger things that bothered her than that.
Like all the friends she'd just abandoned. Again, Revan thought of Juhani. She could almost sense her. Even out here. Waking up alone, a surge of panic spread across her face. Feelings of regret, of abandonment.
Revan slumped back in her chair. Her eyes were damp. "I'm so sorry, my love. I only want to keep you safe."
In her anguish, Revan remembered Rakata prime. The place where they declared their love. Juhani had been so awkward when she came to her. So shy and fearful of being turned away.
"This may be the last time I have a chance to talk to you. I just want you to know that I... that I."
Revan had smiled in her usual playful way. It was something that came naturally to her when she was still Kira. Now that she wasn't, it was harder to give cocky, playful grins.
"...Yes?" She had said. In a coy tone.
"I just want you to know that I... that I care for you. I do not know why; I do not know if anything will be possible or if you even return what I feel but I do know it is there."
Juhani's voice was awkward as she fidgeted with her hands, avoiding Revan's curious gaze. "I am sorry if this upsets you. I am so sorry if I am wrong. But I cannot deny what it is that I feel."
"You're not wrong Juhani," Revan spoke as she carefully closed the distance between them. "I care for you too."
"Y-you do?" Juhani asked blinking back tears.
"Yes, you're brave, strong and kind. All that you've been through in life, and you still move forward I admire you more than I do any other Jedi. And I think I could love you if that's okay... and if maybe you could learn to love me back." Now it had been Revan's turn to be awkward. Her usual cocky Kira-owned grin replaced with a hint of nervousness. After all who could love a Sith Lord?
"I would like to try," Juhani said in a startled gasp. "I... I would very much like to try. But..." she continued. "As much as I may care for you and you for me. First, we must deal with Malak. After, there will be time to sort things out between us."
"Right," Revan nodded. "After."
The modern-day Revan smiled at the memory. Things were so simple back then. Fight the Sith Lord, try not to die, and save the galaxy. Who'd have thought wartimes were actually less awkward and depressing than peace times?
Revan considered that theory. No... wait, that was wrong. They weren't better. But things were clearer during the war. When she thought she might die at any second, there wasn't time to think over her identity as Darth Revan, her guilt, or how to manage a relationship. But now? Now all that awkwardness was bubbling right up to the surface. And Revan still didn't know what to do with any of it.
The Jedi took a moment to examine her charting. Just where was she? This wasn't where she was trying to go.
"Dammit,” Revan cursed as she began to work at the controls. Managing the unknown regions was always a mess. She knew there'd be problems... but this was worse than she would have feared. The hyper-drive was malfunctioning. Firing off blue sparks and causing the ship's computer screen to flare a red warning sign.
She jerked at the controls, but they just wouldn't respond.
Revan cursed again before moving to the hyper-drive. Shutting it off mid-jump. Oh, this would be fun, Revan thought to herself. But what choice did she have? She couldn't risk it damaging the ship.
She pulled at a cord and the drive turned black. The ship slid out of hyperspace. Right above some planet, Revan didn't recognize. Quickly she rushed back to the controls... they still wouldn't respond.
"No, no, no," Revan repeated as though the word no was some magic spell that if said three times would make her ship work again. It didn't.
She did her best to try and steer it away from any kind of populated area. One thing was for sure this was not going to be a nice landing.
***
"What the..." Kuruk asked as he saw some strange meteor fall from the sky. Or it should be a meteor. What else could come falling from the stars like that?
But it looked different from any space rock he'd ever seen. And it seemed like it was swerving, moving around as if someone was piloting it. His first fear was that this odd device might hit the town, but there was no risk of that. Again, it was like someone was intentionally steering the strange thing, making sure no one got hurt.
If that was the case, maybe the person steering it could give it a peaceful landing?
*crash!*
Or maybe not, Kuruk mused as he watched the object crash into a nearby forest. Curiosity mixed with concern demanded that he see just what that was.
It was something odd and utterly alien to the young Avatar. A weird metal contraption that could somehow fly through the sky. For a moment, he stared at it with wonder and fascination.
Then it occurred to him that someone might be inside this marvel of a wreck and that that someone might be hurt.
The door to this... ship? Maybe it could be called a ship, although obviously not of a kind he'd ever seen, opened easily enough. Again, his eyes glittered at all the weird sights and sounds that surrounded him. as he made his way to the center of this odd device.
In it was a woman, barely conscious. Her breathing was heavy, as she limped from the chair. She stared at Kuruk with pleading brown eyes. "Please... was anyone hurt?"
"No, everyone's fine. You crashed in the middle of nowhere."
Her face shifted from horror into relief as she gave a weak smile. "Thank the Force, I... I." Whatever she was going to say was halted by her loss of consciousness. Her body slumped forward as Kuruk rushed to catch the odd woman.
"Easy there, I've got you,” hespoke in a kind soothing voice.
He looked the strange woman over. She seemed human. Dark hair, brown eyes, and light skin. She didn't look any different from a normal person. Really, she seemed pretty similar to many of the Earth Kingdom citizens Kuruk knew. Except for her clothes. Dark black robes with a unique sort of armor he'd never seen before. And what was that at her side… Some odd cylinder? It didn't look like a weapon, whatever it was.
Focus, Kuruk told himself, there's an unconscious woman who's probably in desperate need of a healer. Save her first. Ask questions later.
With ease, he lifted her in his arms. She was a rather short and light figure, Kuruk noticed. Even with her armor on. He'd lifted far heavier than her.
"Alright, hope you don't mind being carried but um. I don't think you're in much of a position to argue either way,” the Avatar spoke to the passed-out stranger before carrying her to the town.
***
It took fifteen minutes to return to the small Earth Kingdom village he and his friends were staying at.
Kuruk sighed. Ah yes, his friends. Hei-Ran, Jianzhu and Kelsang. They were all at the gate waiting for him. All looking very concerned.
Understandable since the last time Kuruk had vanished, he was gone for a whole day. When he returned, Kuruk had been frothing at the mouth muttering tales of a trickster spirit who'd made a fool of the young Avatar. That wasn't the truth, of course. Not exactly anyway. The truth was... he didn't want to tell them the truth. Let them believe a dopey lie instead. Oh, that Kuruk such a goof, what did the silly spirit do to you? If only they knew.
"Where have you been?" Jianzhu asked, his stern lecture voice giving way to genuine concern for his friend and earthbending student.
"Following a magic flying ship," Kuruk spoke while flashing one of his trademark grins.
His friends sighed, assuming this to be another one of Kuruks wild tales. Or Jianzhu and Hei-Ran did in any case. His Airbending teacher Kelsang seemed mildly amused at the idea. "Neat, where is it?"
"It... um crashed." Kuruk replied.
Kelsang shrugged. "Hmm, this is why you stick with bison. Bison never crash."
Kuruk considered arguing that point. He was pretty sure Kelsang's Bison Pengpeng had crashed on at least one occasion. But the wounded woman in his arms distracted him.
"Who is she?" Hei-Ran asked. Looking down at the woman in Kuruk's arms.
"No clue, just found her wounded and on the brink of passing out."
"In the flying ship, was it?" Jianzhu asked.
"Now you're catching on, Jianzhu, see I knew you were the smart one," Kuruk replied cheekily. Before his friend could offer a witty retort, Kuruk continued. "I need to get her to a healer. I can't imagine falling from the sky is good for anyone's health."
***
The worst thing about sleeping for long periods of time for Revan was the nightmares. Visions of her past self and the crimes she committed. Worlds burning. Jedi Padawans screaming as her people tortured them until they broke. Did she enjoy their pain? Take some kind of vengeful pleasure in their suffering? This Revan didn't know. Nor was she sure if she wanted to know.
The former dark lord awoke with a gasp. It was always a gasp lately. Oh, what she wouldn't give for just one peaceful night's rest. She looked down to see just how bad the damage was.
She was covered in bandages across her forehead and chest. And everything hurt. Nothing felt broken thank the Force for that. But it did hurt to try to stand.
Revan grunted as she tried to rise, but a stern voice warned against it. "I don't know if you're ready for that, skygirl."
Like a flash, she turned her head to see where the voice came from.
"Hi,” came a welcoming and warm tone. He was a big guy with dark skin, bright blue eyes, and a pleasant smile that Revan guessed would melt the hearts of most girls. Not exactly her type, but she could see the appeal.
"Hey yourself," Revan replied. "And don't worry Jedi, heal quick."
The man tilted his head. "Jedi? Is that the name of your tribe? Or village maybe?"
Revan frowned. He didn't know what a Jedi was? That wasn't a good sign. "No, it's my order. were sort of like..." She sighed, trying to decide just how to explain what the Jedi are. "Warrior monks I guess would be the term. We protect the weak from the strong." In theory. "And study the ways of the Force."
"Force,” he echoed. "Okay, not sure what that is. A new way to bend?"
"Bend?" Revan asked.
"Yeah, bend. You know, water, earth, fire, and air. The four elements." The odd man lifted a few nearby pebbles into the air. "See? Earth bending."
"Okay, I see,” Revan replied. So that was how these people explained the Force, was it? She held out her hand and floated one of the small stones towards her. "Yeah, we call it the Force… I guess."
The man smiled. "Ah ha! So, you are an Earthbender. I thought you looked like one."
"Sure." Revan shrugged. "If you want. And who are you?" She asked.
He pointed to himself. "Me? Wait... you don't know who I am?"
"Should I?" Revan asked.
"I mean... kind of?" He responded with a sly grin. "I don't mean to brag... okay sometimes I do but most people know who I am. See, I'm the Avatar. The names Kuruk"
"Oh, the Avatar," Revan replies with a sigh.
He nodded "Yeah, sort of thought the whole dressed like a Waterbender, but lifting rocks like a Earthbender would give it away."
"Yeah... no it didn't. Mostly because I don't even know what the hell the Avatar is. What are you like, a president? War hero? Help me out here, buddy."
He coughed. "Um, wait, you don't know what the Avatar is? Okay, just how hard did you hit your head?"
"Like I said, not from around here. And if I can get back to my ship, I will continue to not be from around here."
"Right... your ship," Kuruk repeated. "Your ship that flies or falls, I guess might be more accurate."
"That's the one." Revan groaned out as she tried again to get up from the mattress, they had her on. Tried and failed. As she felt a stinging pain that made her slouch back down.
"I told you not to get up," Kuruk spoke with a sigh. "You'll just hurt yourself more."
"I can manage... maybe.... possibly. Look, I need to get to my ship to make sure nothing is damaged."
"I could do that,” Kuruk offered.
Revan shifted to face the man. Ignoring the aching pain, it took to do so. "Do you know what to look for? What parts to check for damages?"
He sighed. "Guess not. Flying ships are a bit out of my wheelhouse."
"I would imagine so," Revan agreed. "By the way... do I even still have a ship? How badly damaged was it."
"Well... nothing was on fire,” he said with an awkward grin.
"That's good. Fire would be bad. Anything else?"
"The door wasn't in the best shape, and I think some of your ship's parts might have been damaged. Again, not an expert on those kinds of ships but... yeah it didn't look so hot."
Revan cringed. If it was broken beyond repair, she'd be stuck here. And it didn't sound like this world was advanced enough to have replacement ships. "Well, I guess I'll just have to heal fast and check it when I can."
"That's the spirit. I'll make sure no one raids it for parts while you rest. That Avatar title comes in handy for things like that."
"I'd appreciate it, Avatar Kuruk,” she said with a smile.
"No problem. um..." He paused. "What was your name again?"
"Depends."
"Depends?" He asked.
"Kira was the name I would go by several months ago, but it turns out my name is actually Revan.
"Okay? That's... mildly confusing. Which name do you prefer?"
"I would prefer to be Kira, but she doesn't exist. So, I guess I'm Revan, sad to say."
"Why is that sad?" Kuruk asked, his interest clearly peaked.
"Long story, I don't think you need to hear it," Revan spoke evasively before reaching for a nearby water jug. By the void, she was thirsty.
"Here let me." Kuruk offered before bending the water out of the jug.
Revan raised an eyebrow. "Show off. You know the Jedi would say using the Force in such a trivial way is both careless and arrogant."
"Well, I say you Jedi are too uptight. But then I guess that makes sense since you did say your people were monks after all."
"Be that as it may, I'd still prefer to drink from a glass. Thank you very much."
He shrugged before bending the water into a nearby cup. "Suit yourself."
"Thank you," Revan spoke before chugging the glass down her stale throat and then giving a loud gasp. "That's good, that's very good."
"I'll bet. Um, let me know if you need help letting all that water out later."
Revan gave an amused smirk. "Eager to see me naked, are we?"
Kuruk blushed slightly "No, I meant I'll get one of the healers to help you with, um... with that." He gave a mischievous smirk that mirrored her own. "But hey if you're interested."
"Pass," Revan spoke with a raised hand. She wasn't offended by the offer. She could sense there was no genuineness behind it. Just banter. "Are you this slick with all the girls?"
"He certainly likes to think so," came a new voice. This one was feminine, but stern and strong.
Revan looked to see the newcomer. It was a young woman with a serious face and dark bronze eyes. She walked over to the Avatar, moving with a stride that Revan might have expected from a Jedi Master. It kind of reminded her of Bastila.
"The medics would like to give their patient more time to rest. If you're done flirting, that is." She spoke. And the Jedi could sense just a hint of bitterness from the young woman at that last part. Just what the hell happened between those two? Revan wondered.
Kuruk's amused face turned sad. "Y-yeah I'm good thanks Hei-Ran." He spoke sheepishly before exiting the small home.
Hei-Ran turned to Revan with a gaze that was judgmental but not cruel. "He's a good and kind man, make no mistake. He was the one who carried you here and made sure you were cared for. Don't judge him too harshly for his comments."
"I didn't judge him for them at all," Revan replied. "I've gotten worse from my crew members."
"Very well then." The woman spoke before giving a respectful nod. "Rest well." She added before departing the room.
Revan watched her leave before groaning. "Great, now it's just me and my thoughts." Her thoughts of the old Revan and memories she still couldn't unlock. Force. Now, she wished she had asked one of them to stay. Anything was better than solitude.