Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Yeonjun had dreams.

He didn't know when they started. He didn't even know if he had them often or not. He didn't wake up like a normal person would, memory foggy, attempting to recall what weird dream his imagination conjured up that night. Yeonjun woke up coughing with an unclear image of a person in his mind, tears in his eyes, and the feeling of something empty in his chest.

At the beginning, he thought he had seen this person somewhere and just couldn't recall where. Maybe he was an actor or a celebrity, someone he must've subconsciously taken notice of. But as time went by, it became increasingly clear that the person he was looking for didn't exist.

It wasn't that Yeonjun was sure, but he had a strange feeling whenever he searched up recent shows or singers. He couldn't exactly picture the person’s face, but he could immediately tell when he was scrolling through pictures. Another thought Yeonjun had was that maybe he saw the person from his dreams around somewhere, but they couldn't be a person Yeonjun met in his daily life, since he wasn't really going out anymore. He barely went outside of his apartment, only leaving to buy food and go to his therapy sessions. The only person he'd been in contact with was Soobin, his best friend.

Yeonjun tried talking to his therapist about the recurring dreams, describing them vaguely, and she said that it must've been a result of stress. Talking to her about it was as useless as Yeonjun assumed it would be, since he had been under a lot of stress for a few good years, and never had anything like that happen. He also tried to draw the imaginary person, but not only did he suck at drawing, but he realized as his pencil brushed the paper that he had no idea what they truly looked like and gave up.

The thought of figuring out the meaning of his dreams kept him busy, only because he had nothing else going on. He still had a while left until he could come back to work. He didn't do much other than reading, going to therapy, and talking to Soobin who called occasionally (surprising Yeonjun with a visit once in a while, and always bringing snacks that Yeonjun's stomach was willing to digest. Yeonjun loved him).

His therapist thought that giving him something else to focus on would be better than hyperfocusing on something he couldn't understand. Yeonjun somewhat agreed that he probably needed to take his mind off of things, and his therapist suggested a few ideas that Yeonjun could choose from.

That's how Yeonjun found himself standing awkwardly at the entrance of an animal adoption center a few days later.

“So, what exactly are you looking for?” The worker, Jiwoo, asked sweetly. “Let’s start easy. Are you more of a dog or a cat person?”

Yeonjun took a moment to consider his answer. He liked both, but in terms of taking care of a pet, he had no clue where to start, and figured a cat would be easier to handle as a first pet. “Cat person, I guess.”

She clapped her hands together. “That's perfect! We had a few abandoned kittens come in a week ago and we had trouble finding a foster. Let's go take a look and see if you're the right fit for one of them.”

Jiwoo led him to the kittens, and Yeonjun looked at them, helpless and anxious as he approached. They were tiny, and didn't know how to be pets yet. Yeonjun could barely take care of himself, how could he begin to take care of another living creature?

Despite everything, he found himself pointing at a random kitten, and saying “That one is cute”.

Only after Jiwoo placed the tiny kitten in his hands did Yeonjun’s heart stir a little. He felt emotionless, empty, but the kitten had so many feelings that he felt as if water drops slowly dripped into his heart as if it were an empty glass.

After signing papers, and officially naming his kitten Toast (the most minimum effort name he could've come up with, even though Soobin loved it), he came back home with his wallet empty, a few bags of cat food that he later found out he can't even give him yet and a new companion.

Yeonjun set up the kitten’s bed, the litter box that might've been useless for an inexperienced little kitten, and gave him some milk. Yeonjun was draped on his bed, the TV making noises in the background, as Toast napped on his chest. Yeonjun softly caressed Toast’s tiny back with his finger.

“Welcome to the team, Toast,” Yeonjun said. “Maybe you'll help.”

Toast meowed, and Yeonjun liked to imagine it was a meow of agreement. He took Toast to his bed, covered him in a blanket, and went to sleep.

—Only to be woken up, barely three hours of sleep later, by the sensation of falling and an ache in his throat. Yeonjun coughed, and drank some water he had lying around, before he flopped on his back. Exhausted, he closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep again, as the face of a beautiful stranger pulled at the edge of his consciousness.

☾

Living with Toast was a little stressful, but in a different way than Yeonjun was used to.

Yeonjun had to feed him, care for him, and make sure he didn't need anything 24/7. It wasn't that bad, but having a living creature that needed him around only served to make Yeonjun more paranoid. It wasn't Toast's fault, of course. Yeonjun just had to get used to it. When it would get overwhelming, Yeonjun would let the kitten nestle into his shirt and try to feel something, anything, for the squishy ball of tiny, fluffy adorableness.

(He was too numb. He couldn't feel anything.)

At least Toast made his days more interesting. Filled them with something to do, so Yeonjun wouldn't think of the reality that was waiting for him to catch up.

☾

One morning, Yeonjun somehow managed to conjure up the strength to go out to buy a toy for Toast, since he didn't want him to get bored in Yeonjun’s tiny apartment. Soobin was on babysitting duty, and it was the first time Yeonjun had gone out of his house in a while for anything that wasn't a basic necessity.

He waited at the bus stop (since he still wasn't allowed to drive, thanks to his great therapist), sitting with his head held down. He couldn't bear to look at anyone, so his eyes were glued to the floor.

A bus came to a screeching stop at the station. It wasn't the one Yeonjun was waiting for, so he continued to sit motionlessly as people lined up. Then, in front of his feet, a notebook fell from a passerby’s bag.

Yeonjun reached to pick it up by instinct, brushing his hands with the stranger who probably dropped it. By the time he realized he shouldn't have gotten involved since they were doing fine on their own, his eyes glanced up to his face.

The first thought that went through his mind was that he knew those eyes.

“Sorry,” the guy mumbled. He had long hair, but it was shorter than how Yeonjun remembered it. Yeonjun couldn't help but stare as the pieces of the blurry puzzle he had been trying to solve for months slowly put themselves together, in the shape of a face, a body, of a real person.

“Okay then,” the guy said, picked up his notebook, and turned to board the bus. Yeonjun continued to stand there, stunned. He was only knocked out of his stupor a few minutes later, when the bus he needed to take stopped in front of him.

☾

“You don't get it,” Yeonjun stated, lying on his bed as Toast got comfortable in the crook between Yeonjun's neck and shoulders. “He looked exactly like the person I'd seen in my dreams. It has to be him.”

“I thought you didn't know what that person exactly looked like?” Soobin asked, gentle in his doubt. “How can you be sure?”

“I'm sure,” Yeonjun insisted, even if he didn't know why. “I don't know why, but I recognized him immediately.”

Soobin sighed. “Hyung, I’m worried about you.”

“I'm serious,” Yeonjun repeated. “I'm not making shit up. I didn't hallucinate the guy at the bus stop. He was really there.”

“I know you didn't hallucinate it,” Soobin said softly. “I'll never think that you're making stuff up, either. It's just that this isn't the first time you thought you saw something when you didn't.”

Yeonjun clenched his fist. “This is different.”

“I believe you, Hyung,” Soobin reassured. “So what now?”

Yeonjun stopped to think. He never got that far in his mind. Yet when asking himself, he only got one answer.

“I need to find him again.”

☾

The boy from the bus stop.

Yeonjun wrote the sentence on a sticky note and put it on his fridge door, right next to his meds prescription. Toast judged him for needing a reminder from where he was cozily sitting on Yeonjun's shoulder.

“It's not a reminder,” Yeonjun explained. “It's more of a to-do list.”

Toast meowed. Yeonjun added buy snacks for Toast to the list.

☾

The next time Yeonjun saw the boy from his dreams, he was shopping for fruit.

They reached for the same packet of strawberries at the same time, and Yeonjun’s head snapped up. The boy stared at him owlishly, blinking, before recognition settled on his pretty face.

“Oh,” he said. “It's you.”

Those words made Yeonjun’s insides twist. He didn't expect the boy from his dreams to have that voice, or to dress normally; he'd always see him in white cloth, and everything was blurry and unclear. This boy was real, and Yeonjun was carving his facial features into his mind, so that he could never forget his face again.

It occurred to him after a moment of quiet that he didn't know what to say.

“It's me,” Yeonjun repeated.

“... Hi?” The boy said. “You can take that.”

It was then that Yeonjun remembered he was supposed to be fighting for the best packet of strawberries on the shelf. “Oh, really? It's fine, you don't need to do that.”

The boy waved him off. “I’ll get a different one.”

And just like that, he finished the conversation (if Yeonjun could even call it that) and left him to linger in his amazement.

☾

“I didn't know what to say,” Yeonjun whined that night over the phone. “I said maybe two sentences.”

“Hyung, that's progress,” Soobin encouraged. “Next time, ask for his name. We'll work our way up.”

Yeonjun sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Slow progress. I know.”

“Other than the mystery bus boy saga, I want to know how you're doing,” Soobin said. “How's Toast? Are you feeling better with him around?”

Yeonjun glanced at the sleeping kitten, choosing to take up Yeonjun's pillow instead of his bed. “I guess. He's doing a good job of distracting me. I haven't thought about how much I hate therapy for an entire day.”

“That's good,” Soobin said. “... You're doing okay, right? No bad thoughts?”

Yeonjun didn't want to lie, but he also didn't want to worry Soobin too much. What's wrong with a bad thought every once in a while? Even if that once in a while was often, every day even, and choking Yeonjun with every breath he took.

“No bad thoughts,” Yeonjun replied. “Never been better.”

“Okay,” Soobin said after a while. “You'd tell me if something was up, right?”

“Yes,” Yeonjun lied again. “Of course I would.”

Yeonjun knew that Soobin doubted that. He didn't tell Soobin the first time something was up, after all.

“I love you,” Soobin murmured. “Please take care of yourself.”

“I love you too,” Yeonjun returned, and it was genuine. “Talk to you soon.”

“Tomorrow,” Soobin corrected him. “Talk to you tomorrow.”

Yeonjun smiled. “Okay.”

☾

Toast was getting a bit bigger.

He was still a kitten, and he was still fond of Yeonjun's shoulder as his desired option of transport, but he was growing. Yeonjun's therapist said he was doing extremely well in his recovery. He wanted to stuff a sock in her mouth.

His therapist suggested that he try to take Toast outside somewhere, so he did. He took Toast to the park near his house, and put him in a little cardboard box with a blanket so he'd be cozy.

“Toast, that's a dog,” Yeonjun introduced from afar. “And that's a leash, which you'll probably get when you're a bit bigger. And this—”

Yeonjun continued, introducing Toast to the basic concept of parks, as someone's gaze landed on him from afar.

“--And that's a bench, to sit on. Kinda like how you sit on my shoulders for free all the time? Like that.”

“Excuse me.”

Yeonjun jumped, clutching Toast’s little cardboard house to his chest desperately. His eyes widened in surprise when he realized who was talking to him.

“Sorry,” the boy from the bus stop said gently. “I didn't mean to startle you.”

“No, it's fine,” Yeonjun managed to say, as it was an easy, rehearsed phrase. “Um. Did you need something?”

“Just wanted to say hello, and maybe ask for a favor,” the boy said. “It feels safer since I know you.”

I know you. Was that really an appropriate thing to say about them at that point?

Yeonjun nodded. “Go ahead.”

“I wanted a reference for a drawing,” the boy explained, gesturing to his camera. “And I wanted to take a few pictures of someone's pet, but I'm too shy to ask.”

“Oh,” Yeonjun said. “Sure, you could take pictures of Toast. I don't mind.”

“Toast?” The boy asked, amused, and Yeonjun's heart flipped in his chest. “That's a cute name. A bit uninspired, but cute.”

“Thanks,” Yeonjun said weakly.

The boy took a few pictures, complimenting Toast the entire time.

“Aren't you a model,” the boy cooed. “Such pretty fur. And you know exactly where to look. What a well-behaved kitten.”

Yeonjun doubted if he'd call Toast well-behaved, but the little kitten seemed to thrive under the compliments, even stumbling on the grass towards the boy to brush against his legs.

“You’re such a loving little one,” the boy said. “Do you mind if I pet him?”

“No,” Yeonjun croaked when he realized the question was aimed at him. “I don't mind.”

The boy gently petted Toast, who seemed to love it. Yeonjun was enjoying the interaction much less than his kitten was, but thought that at least Toast was socializing with someone who wasn't him or Soobin for a change.

After a while of silent petting, the boy spoke up. “What's your name?”

Yeonjun was taken aback by the question. “... Choi Yeonjun.”

“Good to put a name to a face,” the boy said. “I’ve seen you around for a while now.”

“Oh,” Yeonjun said. “I saw you for the first time at the bus stop.”

“I know,” the boy said. “You never look up from the ground.”

Before Yeonjun could wrap his head around the statement, the boy got up from where he crouched. “I guess I'll head out. I’ll see you around, Yeonjun… Yeonjun-ssi?”

Yeonjun smiled. “No need to be so formal.”

“Since I’m pretty sure you're older than me, can I call you Hyung?” the boy asked.

Yeonjun was surprised by his forwardness, but uttered a small “I’m twenty-five”.

“I’m two years younger,” the boy lightheartedly replied. “I don't look like it, I know.”

Yeonjun’s mouth naturally gravitated up, unable to keep his smile at bay. “I don't mind,” he said. “If you call me Hyung, I mean.”

The boy grinned. “Then thank you for helping me, Hyung.”

“Wait,” Yeonjun stopped him. “You never gave me your name.”

The boy’s smile widened, and Yeonjun couldn't take his eyes off of his radiance. “Beomgyu. Choi Beomgyu. Nice to officially meet you.”

☾

Yeonjun told his therapist about Beomgyu.

Not the dreams or what having his name meant. Not the overwhelming feelings that came with meeting him.

Just a normal interaction with a perfect stranger.

“That's incredible progress, Yeonjun,” she told him. “Making conversation, especially talking about things outside of the situation you're in, will help you feel the return to normalcy.”

What return to normalcy?

Instead, Yeonjun said, “He approached me, though.”

“That doesn't matter,” she said. “Making a friend who's willing to take the lead on social interaction could help you ease back into socializing.”

“We're not friends,” Yeonjun stated.

“Friendship is a process,” his therapist said. “Try to approach him first the next time you see him. If you feel comfortable, I'd encourage you to ask for his number. I'm sure Soobin provides you with good support, but having multiple different people supporting you is necessary.”

Yeonjun didn't need support. He didn't want to start arguing, so he only muttered a quiet “Okay”.

“How's Toast doing?” She changed the subject. “Is taking care of him as difficult as you imagined?”

Yeonjun found it easier talking about Toast, as the little guy was the main source of peace in his daily life. Even if he grew to be a little troublemaker.

“He started his rebellious phase. He knocked over a can of tomato sauce yesterday,” Yeonjun recalled. “I was cleaning it up for what felt like forever.”

“Does it make you upset when he knocks things over?”

Yeonjun pondered the question. “Not really. He's just being a cat. It was a pain to clean, though.”

The therapist nodded, flipping over a page in her notebook. “That’s a good attitude. Have you been taking your medicine?”

Unfortunately. Yeonjun was barely eating because of the nausea it gave him.

“Yes.”

“Good. And your sleep?”

“Better,” Yeonjun lied.

“Keep in contact with your doctor if anything comes up, okay?”

Yeonjun nodded halfheartedly.

“That's all for today, then,” the therapist said. “Don’t forget that we're moving to weekly meetings, so I’ll only see you on Monday next week.”

Yeonjun was relieved to hear that, but there was an uneasy feeling in his chest. Being in therapy less should’ve been a good thing. Fewer meetings were supposed to mean that he was doing well and needed less immediate attention. It should’ve meant that he felt better. That he was doing better.

But it didn't mean that. He didn’t feel better. He felt hollow.

“Okay,” Yeonjun said. “Thank you.”

☾

A few days went by, and on Saturday, Soobin had the day off and wanted to spend time together. Yeonjun couldn't tell if he really wanted to hang out or if he just wanted to monitor Yeonjun’s depression, but he appreciated his company nonetheless.

“You've been going out a lot recently, and I think you're getting used to it again,” Soobin said. “So if you're fine with it, I wanna go out to a Cafe somewhere. We can look for one that is pet-friendly and bring Toast.”

And just like that, Yeonjun opened the new cat carrier he bought for Toast, helped the kitten inside, and sat down hesitantly in the passenger seat of Soobin’s car.

Soobin put on some music absentmindedly. It was the first time Yeonjun heard music in a while.

It felt bad.

“Can you turn it off?” Yeonjun requested, a bit harsher than intended.

“Oh, of course,” Soobin said, quickly turning the music off. “So, what are you in the mood for? Something sweet?”

“Bread,” Yeonjun said immediately, and Soobin laughed wholeheartedly.

They sat down at a pet-friendly bakery in the area, and Soobin bought just about every type of bread on the menu, from sweet and sugary to salty and savory. He claimed that Yeonjun could always eat it at home, and jokingly said that maybe it would be unfair to Toast to see his brethren get eaten. Yeonjun chuckled at that.

Soobin smiled in relief.

They ate, and Yeonjun left Toast in Soobin's care to go get a coffee. He wasn't supposed to drink too much of it since it made him nauseous, but he felt pretty good that day, and he missed iced coffee too much to resist the temptation.

He waited in line, and when it was his turn to order, he was surprised to see a familiar face.

“We can't stop running into each other lately, huh?” Asked Beomgyu, smiling. “What would you like, Hyung?”

“Just an iced coffee,” Yeonjun said, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips. “You work here?”

Beomgyu hummed as he put in Yeonjun's order. “I'd like to make a living from my art, but for now it's just a paying hobby. I work here part-time.”

“Oh,” Yeonjun blurted out, proving that he couldn't give an appropriate response whenever he learned something about Beomgyu. “I didn't know that. That's cool.”

“I also work in an art supply store down the street,” Beomgyu added. “Also part-time.”

At Yeonjun's look of horror, Beomgyu laughed, and the sound was ringing pleasantly in Yeonjun's ears. “It's not that bad,” Beomgyu promised. “I manage. And it's cool working at an art store. I'll show you if you're ever around.”

The invite made butterflies flutter in Yeonjun's chest. “I'd love that.”

“If you have some time next week, I work mornings,” Beomgyu offered as Yeonjun paid. “It shouldn’t be too busy. It never is.”

“Okay,” Yeonjun nodded, taking his receipt. “I'll see you there.”

As Yeonjun walked away, Beomgyu called after him, “Hyung, bring Toast with you!”

Yeonjun couldn't help but smile at that.

Soobin raised an unimpressed eyebrow when Yeonjun came back to their table.

“Your son and I are judging you,” Soobin said, gesturing to Toast, who was licking himself and was absolutely not interested in anything else.

“For what?” Yeonjun asked genuinely. “For the iced coffee?”

“Give me a break,” Soobin interjected. “You think we didn't see you chat up that cute barista? It took you ages to order iced coffee!”

“I didn't chat him up,” Yeonjun denied. “We had a normal conversation.”

“Yeah right,” Soobin rolled his eyes. “You were heart eyeing him. It was gross.”

“That was Beomgyu,” Yeonjun explained. “Dream bus guy.”

Soobin's eyes widened and he looked back to the register, narrowing his eyes. “He is your dream bus guy?”

“Yeah?”

“He's hot as fuck,” Soobin said confidently, and Yeonjun choked on his drink. “Now I know why you were so obsessed.”

“I wasn't obsessed, can you keep your voice down?” Yeonjun hushed him. “Not a good look for the weird depressed guy to be obsessed with him.”

“The hot as fuck depressed guy,” Soobin corrected, and Yeonjun barely held himself back from kicking him under the table.

☾

The next week, accompanied by his trusty kitten companion, Yeonjun entered a small shop that took him an embarrassingly long time to find.

A bell rang as he entered, and a familiar head popped up from under the cashier counter.

“Hi,” Yeonjun said. “I brought Toast with me.”

“And yourself,” Beomgyu pointed out with a smile. He placed a cardboard box on the counter. “You've come at the perfect time. I was just about to close the shop for lunch.”

Beomgyu dusted off his hands, washed them, and made a beeline to Toast’s carrier. “Hey little guy,” he said. Yeonjun took Toast out of his carrier, and Beomgyu beamed as Toast allowed himself to be lifted into his arms.

“Such a lovely boy,” Beomgyu said, brushing a gentle finger on Toast’s head. “So friendly and affectionate. I want to steal you.”

Yeonjun smiled hesitantly. He was unsure if he was forcing smiles or they just didn't feel right on his face anymore, but he felt the urge to smile when Beomgyu did.

Beomgyu looked back up to Yeonjun and noticed his stiffness. With his free hand, he grabbed Yeonjun’s arm. “Come on. I want to show you around.”

☾

Beomgyu led Yeonjun to the break room, where there was a fridge, microwave, and small table. Other than that, the entire room was covered in art. It might’ve been the most art Yeonjun has ever seen in one place.

The walls were painted, there were framed drawings hung up, some set down, and many pencil sketches scattered across the room. The table, the fridge, the walls; there was paper and colour everywhere.

“Woah,” Yeonjun exhaled. “There's so much art.”

“It’s a bit much,” Beomgyu nodded. “This became sort of a workroom whenever I'm on break, since the owner of the store doesn't mind and likes my work. One day I'll take all these down, though.”

“Wait, you mean—” Yeonjun stopped. “These are all yours?”

“Of course,” Beomgyu laughed. “I'm the only one here who is crazy enough to draw during breaks instead of doing literally anything else. I'm a bit of a sketch maniac.”

There were many drawings of landscapes, people, and animals. Yeonjun noticed a good chunk of the drawings were sketches of different birds.

“You like birds,” he pointed out. Beomgyu chuckled.

“I do. I actually wanted to give you something.” Beomgyu said, and handed Yeonjun a sketch of a little kitten. It was amazingly detailed, and Yeonjun instantly recognized his poorly named furball.

“This is incredible,” Yeonjun breathed. “Toast, look, it's you.”

The kitten seemed to care more about napping. Beomgyu smiled at his reaction.

“Are you sure you should give it to me?” Yeonjun asked. “You worked so hard on it.”

“Who else would I give this to?” Beomgyu asked. “Of course I’m sure. Besides, I already copied it. You should have the original.”

“Thank you,” Yeonjun said genuinely. “It means a lot.”

After a moment, Beomgyu sighed. “I have something else to give you. Well, I didn't mean to give it to you, but I think I want to.”

Beomgyu handed Yeonjun a crumpled piece of paper that was stuffed in his pocket. Yeonjun opened it, finding a rough pencil sketch of a person.

He smoothed out some wrinkles, in awe. It was him, sitting at the bus stop they met at, looking at the ground.

“It's not really good and I was going to throw it away, but I figured there's no harm if you have it,” Beomgyu rambled. “Besides, you could always throw it yourself if you hated it, so—”

“-- I love it,” Yeonjun cut him off. His eyes met Beomgyu’s. “Thank you.”

Beomgyu broke eye contact, his smile gentle. “It's nothing. I'm happy you liked it.”

“I do,” Yeonjun reassured. “I really, really do.”

☾

They exchanged phone numbers.

It was under the guise of Beomgyu wanting more pictures of Toast. Yeonjun carefully suggested that they talk over text, and Beomgyu happily put his contact information in Yeonjun’s phone.

“If you want to send cute cat pictures my way, I won't complain,” Beomgyu said then. “I think I earned them.”

So Yeonjun sent him pictures of Toast. A picture of Toast sitting on top of the counter, a picture of Toast nibbling on some salmon, a picture of Toast napping on the bed. Beomgyu responded with cooing and smiling emojis to every single one.

Yeonjun sent one photo of Toast sleeping soundly on his chest. Yeonjun was wearing a white tank top but was barely visible, with only his shoulders and a bit of his arms showing. Beomgyu didn't write anything, but sent a single red heart.

☾

Yeonjun continued to wake up in the middle of the night, but the person who always haunted his dreams stopped showing up. The dream version of Beomgyu disappeared after Yeonjun saw him that day at the bus stop.

The usual coughing fit was a little more intense than usual, and Yeonjun slowly evened out his breathing, his eyes fixed on the dark ceiling as he tried to calm down. His heart was beating harshly in his chest, as if a hammer was pounding it into place. He felt sick. He wanted to wake up and get some water, but his legs refused to move, and he remained frozen in place.

Suddenly, he heard a soft meow, and groggily leaned over the bed to see Toast meowing at him from the floor. Yeonjun scooped the kitten up and placed him on his chest, which proved to be one of Toast's favorite places to nap. Toast got comfortable, and Yeonjun was surprised to hear a low sound, breaking the silence.

“Toast, did you just purr?”

Toast purred again as an answer, and Yeonjun started to calm down. After a while, Yeonjun's eyes fluttered to a close.

☾

After a week or so of occasional texting, Yeonjun felt like his acquaintance with Beomgyu turned into a light friendship. They weren't only talking about Toast, even if most conversations were surface-level and somewhat polite. Yeonjun started looking forward to Beomgyu’s texts, especially since Beomgyu was the only one who seemed to initiate any conversation.

Yeonjun tried to channel his inner Soobin and give himself time. Baby steps.

Choi Beomgyu:

(11:34) Hyung

(11:34) I wanna see my baby.

(11:34) (Toast.)

(11:35) Do you wanna meet up somewhere, or I could come over?

☾

Soobin was washing the dishes when he got a call. He wiped his hands, and the ringing suddenly stopped. Confused, Soobin approached his phone, and was startled when it started to ring again.

“Hyung? Is everything okay?” Soobin answered, hesitant. “You're scaring me.”

“He wants to come over,” Yeonjun said hurriedly. “Beomgyu. To my apartment.”

“Oh, Okay.” Soobin understood why Yeonjun was panicking. “Don't worry, we can fix up your place a bit. Hide the stuff. He'll never know.”

“I can turn him down,” Yeonjun murmured. “I just don't want to.”

“Then don't,” Soobin said. “I'll come over tomorrow after work and we'll do it together.”

Yeonjun took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Just focus on taking care of Toast for now. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Hyung.”

“Thank you,” Yeonjun said. “Thank you, Soobin-ah.”

“It's nothing to be thankful for,” Soobin shook off. “I'm here for you. Always. And I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

Soobin hung up with a sigh.

☾

The next day Soobin came over with a cardboard box and his sleeves rolled up.

“Put everything here, and we'll shove it under the bed.”

They started with the table in his kitchen.

Documents from the hospital, Yeonjun's therapy bills, and the old doctor's prescriptions. Yeonjun took down the new prescription from where it hung on the door of the fridge, and after a moment of staring, took down the sticky note next to it as well.

They moved to his bathroom, packing all the medicine, and putting a pack of antidepressants in Yeonjun's bag.

Next to his bedroom, where thankfully, they only had to tidy up a bit. Soobin closed the box, taped it up, and placed it under Yeonjun's bed.

“All done,” Soobin said with a smile, dusting off his hands. “It barely took an hour. See, Yeonjun Hyung? Nothing to worry about.”

Yeonjun deflated onto Soobin, and Soobin laughed and embraced him. “What would I do without you?”

“I'd like to think you'd be okay,” Soobin answered, “But I am pretty important, aren't I?”

Yeonjun smiled fondly. “You are.”

Soobin nodded in satisfaction. “Let's go get ice cream.”

☾

“Woah, your place is nice!”

Yeonjun watched nervously as Beomgyu entered his apartment, put down his bag neatly next to Yeonjun's, and let his sight wander.

“Nice,” Beomgyu started, and Yeonjun sucked in a breath— “But could use some color.”

Yeonjun blinked in confusion.

Beomgyu opened his bag and brought out a folder, handing it to Yeonjun. “Luckily, I expected this. Take what you like, Hyung.”

Yeonjun took the folder, and found inside drawings, all vividly colored in with watercolors. Beomgyu watched with a smile as Yeonjun sifted through the drawings.

“You can't give me these,” Yeonjun managed to say. “It's too much.”

“It's not too much,” Beomgyu argued. “I'd even say it's not enough. Take all of them. I have tons of drawings back home.”

“I can't possibly take this,” Yeonjun said, handing the folder back.

“You're not taking it,” Beomgyu reasoned, crossing his arms. “I'm giving it to you.”

Yeonjun stood, stunned, for a moment. “... Are you sure?”

“I brought these for you, dummy Hyung,” Beomgyu said. “Next time I'm here, I want to see some of them on your walls.”

Next time. The words made Yeonjun melt in place. “Okay,” he said softly.

Toast took that moment to make himself known, coming out of Yeonjun's room.

“There he is!” Beomgyu smiled, crouching down as Toast approached him. “How's my favorite kitty doing?”

Toast rubbed his head against Beomgyu’s legs, and Yeonjun was endlessly fascinated by how quickly Toast took to him. Not that he couldn't relate.

Beomgyu picked Toast up and faced Yeonjun. “Do you have a TV?”

“Yeah, in my room.”

Beomgyu grinned. “Cool. Wanna watch something while I cuddle your cat?”

They ended up watching a Ghibli movie, because Beomgyu decided he wanted something lighthearted, and the art in Ghibli movies was one of his favorites to observe. They sat on Yeonjun's bed, knees brushing together, as Beomgyu gently stroked Toast’s fur.

Yeonjun found Beomgyu's friendliness astonishing, as he could've never in a million years held a conversation or made a friend as easily as him. Every conversation with him felt comfortable, and despite how they barely knew each other, Yeonjun trusted him. Toast liked him as well, which was a bonus, even if Toast was generally too trusting for his own good.

“Have you seen this movie before?” Beomgyu asked, startling Yeonjun out of his thoughts.

“No,” Yeonjun admitted. “I don't watch a ton of TV. The only reason I'm not selling it is that my best friend uses it from time to time, and I turn it on for background noise.”

Beomgyu nodded. “That's a shame. Ghibli movies are my free therapy.”

If only that could be true for Yeonjun.

The movie was nice, though. Yeonjun was barely keeping up with the plot, but there was a tiny boy who befriended a tiny fish, and Yeonjun found that he could relate to the boy in a sense, since Yeonjun befriended a tiny cat.

At some point, Yeonjun's eyelids started to droop, and he groggily apologized in his mind to Beomgyu and the movie for falling asleep.

☾

When Yeonjun opened his eyes, his head was resting on something soft. He realized, after a moment, that he was sleeping on Beomgyu's shoulder.

It was the first time in a long while that he woke up without coughing, crying, heavy breathing, or all at the same time.

Yeonjun sat up, and his eyes softened at the sight in front of him. Beomgyu was leaning on the wall, eyes closed and breathing delicately, Toast snuggled against his stomach.

Yeonjun's heart ached. The beautiful ghost of a boy who haunted his dreams for months, now cuddling his cat in his bed. It felt too good to be true.

Yeonjun let that feeling sit for a moment, before he realized it felt good. Beomgyu made him feel good.

He hasn't felt good in a while.

Yeonjun stayed silent until Beomgyu woke up.

☾

Choi Beomgyu:

(15:17) Hyung!!

(15:17) I quit my job!!!!

(15:17) At the cafe

(15:17) Because the boss is an asshole and I'm getting a roommate so I don't need two jobs anymore

(15:18) What do you say, Hyung? Let's go and celebrate

Yeonjun slowly typed a response, writing and deleting, until he settled on “I’d love to.”

☾

They ended up deciding to go to a ramen place, Beomgyu insisting on picking Yeonjun up from his place, to which Soobin delighted.

“I've never looked forward to babysitting your cat as much as I do now,” Soobin said, grinning from ear to ear. “I'll finally get introduced to your bus boy.”

“You're staying inside,” Yeonjun denied, crossing his arms. “You're gonna embarrass me and potentially ruin my only other friendship.”

Soobin rolled his eyes. “Don't be dramatic, Hyung. From what you've told me about him— which is a lot— he's a really chill dude.”

Yeonjun sighed, because Soobin was right. “He is. He's really nice and outgoing. And a brat.”

“You like him,” Soobin pointed out.

“Well yeah,” Yeonjun said. “He's nice.”

“No,” Soobin shook his head. “You like like him.”

At Yeonjun's silence, Soobin placed a hand on his shoulder, and gave him his time.

Eventually, Yeonjun spoke. “I don't know if I have the capacity for that emotion right now.”

“It's fine if you don't,” Soobin said, “But you should allow yourself to feel, Hyung.”

Yeonjun's phone rang, and Soobin smiled, gesturing for him to pick it up.

“Hyung, I'm here,” Beomgyu’s voice came through. “Come down with Toast, I wanna say hi.”

Soobin nodded enthusiastically.

Yeonjun sighed. “Okay. Be there in a second.”

Beomgyu rolled down the window as Soobin and Yeonjun approached. He seemed surprised to see Soobin, but recovered quickly, smiling.

“Hi,” Beomgyu said with a wave. “You must be the best friend I heard so little about?”

Soobin laughed. “And you must be Beomgyu,” he said, smiling back. “It's nice to meet you. I'm Soobin, local best friend and cat-sitter.”

“I'm Beomgyu, a tortured artist and cat lover,” Beomgyu replied with a grin. “And Yeonjun Hyung’s friend, of course. And Toast’s uncle.”

Yeonjun held Toast out so Beomgyu could lean out the window to kiss his little head. Yeonjun looked away from the affectionate gesture, and handed Toast back to Soobin.

“Well, you guys have fun,” Soobin said. To Beomgyu, he jokingly added, “Bring him back by eight.”

Beomgyu laughed. “It's seven thirty right now, but I'll try.”

Yeonjun slipped into the passenger seat, feeling out of place, and Beomgyu beamed at him. “Hi, Hyung. Your friend is cool.”

Yeonjun found himself easing up, returning his smile. “He wanted to meet you. And silently assert his dominance as Toast’s favorite uncle.”

“I’m willing to compete for it,” Beomgyu said as he started driving. “Toast and I are pretty close, he's gonna need to watch out.”

Yeonjun laughed, and the conversation smoothly sailed from there.

☾

“So, Hyung, how come I know barely anything about you?” Beomgyu asked. Yeonjun stiffened in an instant. “I mean, you just seem like your job is to be a cat dad.”

Yeonjun chuckled nervously. “That's not too far off. I'm not working right now.”

“So what made you wanna adopt Toast anyway?” Beomgyu asked after stuffing his face with noodles. “You don't seem like an experienced cat dad. No offense.”

Yeonjun laughed, a little less nervous, but still on edge. “I needed a change.”

“I hear that,” Beomgyu nodded. “Toast is a wonderful first pet. He's so well-behaved for a kitten.”

Yeonjun still wouldn't have called Toast well-behaved in a million years, but he never owned a pet before, so he really didn't have any reason to disagree. He took the chance to change the subject. “What was your first pet?”

Beomgyu grinned. “The question I've been waiting for.”

☾

An hour later, Yeonjun was well-versed in all things Toto.

Beomgyu’s pet bird seemed to be the topic that got him to talk the easiest. He gushed about him as if he was his son.

“He is my son!” Beomgyu exclaimed when Yeonjun pointed it out. “Toto is family! I've raised him for years.”

“You didn't mention him once,” Yeonjun said, and belatedly realized he was teasing him. “If he's really your son, shouldn't you mention him more?”

Beomgyu frowned. “Hyung, are you one of those clingy parents that mentions their child wherever they go?”

Yeonjun was about to disagree, when he remembered he did talk about Toast in every conversation. “... We're talking about you.”

Beomgyu smiled mischievously. “Got you.”

Yeonjun kicked him under the table. Beomgyu laughed lightheartedly, radiant and beautiful in his happiness.

☾

Beomgyu dropped him off at home later with a smile and a promise.

“I had fun Hyung!” He said. “Next time I'm paying!”

“We were celebrating you, it wasn't a big deal,” Yeonjun argued. “You don't have to do that.”

“I want to,” Beomgyu said, grinning. “I'll talk to you soon. Have a good night, Hyung.”

Yeonjun returned his smile. “Drive safe.”

Yeonjun opened the door to his apartment, and wasn't surprised to see Soobin wiped out on the couch, Toast watching him from his bed on the floor.

“It isn't babysitting if you're asleep the entire time,” Yeonjun mumbled, but let him sleep anyway, picking Toast up and cradling him in his arms.

“Did you miss me?” Yeonjun asked, and was answered with a few licks to the hand. He smiled.

“I had a nice time. Beomgyu is great. I think… I think he makes me happy.”

Toast didn't seem interested in his words, as always, but Yeonjun was happy in his uninterested company.

☾

“Soobinie, I love you, and I really like your company. But there's no need.”

“Hyung,” Soobin whined. “Why not?”

Yeonjun sighed, placing his phone between his shoulder and ear as he organized his fridge. “There's no space for you here. My couch is shit and your neck still aches from the last time you slept on it.”

“Well yeah, but I can sleep on your bed,” Soobin reasoned. “It's big enough for two people.”

Yeonjun moved his phone to his other ear. “You know I don't like sleeping with other people.”

While that was definitely true, a memory flashed in Yeonjun's mind; his head, resting on a steady shoulder, and a boy breathing soundly by Yeonjun's side. He slept with Beomgyu just fine. He didn't intend it and they weren't really sleeping, but it was the same concept. Beomgyu was in his space when he slept, and Yeonjun didn't mind. It didn't freak him out to wake up to the touch of someone else. Maybe things have changed.

“I'd rather not,” Yeonjun summarized. “You’d sleep better at your place, anyway.”

“But I wanted a sleepover,” Soobin said, Yeonjun hearing his frown coming through.

“I'm doing fine,” Yeonjun reassured him. Soobin was quiet for a moment.

“Are you?”

“Yes,” Yeonjun repeated. “I'm doing fine. And I have Toast.”

“And Beomgyu,” Soobin added.

“And Beomgyu,” Yeonjun agreed. “So you don't need to worry. I promise.”

“But you're not sleeping,” Soobin argued. “You have permanent eye bags.”

Yeonjun laughed halfheartedly. “Yeah. That's a part of why I should focus on resting, I think.”

“Fine,” Soobin said. “So I'll come over and drive back home in the middle of the night like a loser.”

“My favourite loser.”

“I'll kick you.”

☾

If he didn't have things to do and people he tried not to worry, Yeonjun would've given up a long time ago.

He couldn't come back to normal, and so he was floating through his daily life, the only thing holding him to the ground being a friend, a cat, and a beautiful stranger.

Well, not really a stranger anymore, since they became friends. Still, it felt off to call Beomgyu a friend. The feeling that took over Yeonjun when they were together was foreign and unexplainable, not like anything Yeonjun had ever experienced. He felt so far away whenever they were together. It was as if everything bothering him vanished, leaving only the daze of a dream.

That feeling is what made Yeonjun realize that maybe he wasn't okay, after all. If his sadness was never-ending and his happiness only felt in the folds of a dream, what was left for him to live for?

Well, Toast. And Soobin. But everything felt pointless. It felt pointless to fight for his life every single day when he felt the way he did.

As if he could sense it, Toast started becoming a really affectionate cat. He'd always find Yeonjun whenever darkness consumed his mind, and climb onto him, reminding Yeonjun that he had someone else to take care of other than himself. Yeonjun knew that. But it didn't take away the thoughts. He was slipping, and he knew it.

☾

Yeonjun bought a journal. His therapist recommended it a while ago, and he pretended to have one for a while, but he felt alone with his thoughts and eventually gave in. Yeonjun realized he was the only person he could be himself with, and that fact slowly choked him, isolating him completely.

There was a forest area not too far from where Yeonjun lived. He came there with Toast, the kitten watching him as he attempted to put his feelings into words clumsily on paper.

He wrote down entries about the people in his life. Described how hard it felt to communicate. Confessed to his confused state of mind.

When it was Beomgyu's entry, Yeonjun wrote every letter carefully, even if he couldn't hold the pen steady enough for the writing to come out well. He wrote questions, mostly. He had so much to ask.

When he finished the entry, he added, since it felt right, a small scribble of the Beomgyu he saw in his dreams. Yeonjun wrote next to it a small “Beomgyu from the dream”.

☾

The next time Yeonjun and Beomgyu saw each other outside of Yeonjun's apartment, it was upon Beomgyu's invitation. He wanted to go to an aquarium, of all things, since there was a new dolphin show added. Yeonjun wanted to refuse, but Beomgyu whined that he had no one to go with, and Yeonjun caved.

“My roommate is cool but he and his boyfriend are going out and my friends are all working,” Beomgyu explained, sitting on Yeonjun's floor as Toast climbed his shirt. “So please come with me, Yeonjun Hyung. I know you have nothing planned.”

Yeonjun wanted to kick him, so he carefully untangled Toast’s tiny little kitten claws from Beomgyu's shirt, before using his long legs to shove Beomgyu hard enough that he toppled on his back. Beomgyu laughed, and Yeonjun’s annoyance instantly dissipated, leaving only a fond sigh.

“I'll come with you,” he gave in. “You're lucky you're cute.”

Beomgyu grinned. “I know.”

☾

“Come on Hyung! It's starting!” Beomgyu said, pulling Yeonjun along by the elbow. The aquarium was crowded, probably since it was a Sunday, and it was so noisy that Yeonjun could barely hear his thoughts.

They continued to make their way through the crowd, and at some point, someone bumped into Beomgyu, separating them.

“Fucking, asshole,” Beomgyu spluttered, straightening his jacket. Before Yeonjun could ask him if he was okay, Beomgyu turned to him with a determined frown and grabbed his hand, wordlessly walking ahead.

Yeonjun didn't dare to say anything.

They made it to the dolphin pool, but all of the seats were taken already. Beomgyu led Yeonjun to a space where they could stand.

“Hyung, can you smell that?” Beomgyu asked.

Yeonjun sniffed the air. “Vanilla?”

Beomgyu nodded seriously. “Vanilla. I'm gonna go get us whatever that is. Stay here for a moment?”

“Sure,” Yeonjun said. “I'll carry your bag.”

Beomgyu smiled and handed him the bag.

Yeonjun closed his eyes. There was so much noise and talking everywhere, but whenever he was with Beomgyu, he felt like he was underwater; as if everything was muffled other than Beomgyu's words.

Beomgyu came back shortly with a pair of vanilla crepes and a smile, just in time for the show. Someone walked on the stage, starting to talk, but Yeonjun wasn't focused enough to hear it.

Then the dolphins started to do tricks, and Beomgyu pulled out a camera from his bag, and started taking photos. Yeonjun suddenly realized why the dolphins were so important to him.

The show didn't take too long and as it was wrapping up, Beomgyu motioned Yeonjun to leave, whispering that he didn't want to be there when everyone started to leave.

So Beomgyu drove him back home, thanked him for hanging out with him, and left Yeonjun to his thoughts.

The experiences from that day stuck to Yeonjun's mind like gum. He couldn't get the smell of vanilla out of his mind, or the sound of splashing water, or the cute dolphins. But most importantly, the one he really couldn't get out of his mind was Choi Beomgyu.

☾

Soobin came over that evening.

“Well? How was your day?” Soobin asked, after convincing Yeonjun to watch some anime movie with him and settling on his bed. “You hung out with Beomgyu, right?”

Yeonjun's throat dried up. “Yeah.”

“And? Did you have fun?”

“Yes.”

Soobin side eyed him. “Hyung?”

Yeonjun avoided his gaze. “What?”

“Why are you avoiding the question?”

“I literally just answered.”

“But you're giving short answers, like you don't want to talk about it.”

“Can you just leave it?” Yeonjun snapped. He didn't know why, but he was overwhelmed, and needed to be left alone.

Soobin quieted. “Is everything okay?”

Yeonjun hated that question. He almost lashed out, but remembered that Soobin loved him and meant no harm. He took a deep breath.

“I don't know. I don't want to talk about it,” Yeonjun repeated, at least managing to be truthful.

“Did something happen with Beomgyu?”

“No,” Yeonjun cut in. “He's amazing. It's not him.”

“Hyung, can you hear me out for a moment?” Soobin asked tentatively. “I don't want you to get mad, but I want to ask this, since it's been sitting with me for a while.”

Yeonjun wasn't comforted by the possibility of being mad, but nodded anyway.

Soobin bit his lip. “Does Beomgyu make you feel better, or worse?”

Yeonjun's eyes widened. He remembered Soobin's request and kept quiet, even though the only thing running through his mind was what the fuck kinda question is that—

“I thought you were doing better, and Toast helped,” Soobin said. “And Beomgyu's so nice, and you making a friend is a really good thing. But you've been acting weird. Beomgyu is somehow a sensitive topic, and you're spacing out and being snappy at me. I just worry for you.”

“Beomgyu is one of the best things that happened to me after…”

“I know,” Soobin cut in. “But I think you're in a bad headspace, Hyung.”

“Not because of him,” Yeonjun shook his head. “Toast and Beomgyu are the only things keeping me grounded. I've been in a bad headspace for a while and it has nothing to do with him.”

Soobin quieted. It was only when Yeonjun saw Soobin’s eyes turn glassy that he realized he said something really shitty.

“Soobinie, I didn't mean it like that,” he was quick to say. “I love you so much and you help me a lot. I'm sorry I said that.”

Soobin shook his head. “It hurts more to know you've been lying to me.”

Yeonjun had nothing to say to that. He lied to him often.

“I'm sorry,” Yeonjun found himself repeating, not knowing what else to say.

“I think I'll go now,” Soobin said. “We'll talk later.”

“Soobin—”

“Bye hyung.”

Soobin left. Yeonjun buried his face in his hands and mentally reprimanded himself for being the worst friend and human being ever.

Toast came over from his little cathouse to rub against Yeonjun's knee, and Yeonjun let himself be comforted, even if it was by his troublesome kitty companion and not an actual human being.

☾

Soobin stopped texting Yeonjun for a few days.

Yeonjun went on as usual. He stayed inside, took care of Toast, and wrote in his journal. Beomgyu texted him but he felt too worn out to meet him.

Yeonjun continued to barely sleep, Toast keeping him company whenever he woke up. He went to therapy once. He lied his way through the session.

It felt normal.

It rained on the fifth day since the last time Yeonjun and Soobin spoke.

Toast was cosily napping on the couch, and Yeonjun was watching over him, sitting on the floor. He was wearing a tank top and shorts, his skin pressed to the cold floor, but couldn't bother to do anything about it.

Suddenly, Yeonjun heard his doorbell ring.

For a moment, he was sure he hallucinated it, and decided to ignore it. Then, the doorbell rang a few more times, and Yeonjun dragged himself up to open the door.

He was faced with a soaking wet Beomgyu, holding his bag over his head, smiling.

“Hyung, can I come in?” He asked.

Yeonjun felt like he was dreaming. He threw the door open immediately, pulling Beomgyu inside.

“You're soaked,” Yeonjun said. “You need a warm shower.”

“You look like you need one too,” Beomgyu laughed. “Why are you dressed like this? It's literally freezing.”

Yeonjun ignored him. “I'll go get you a towel and clothes to change into.”

“Hey,” Beomgyu stopped him, grabbing his arm gently. “I'm fine. I wanted to come see you, didn't have any gas, and got caught in the rain. It's not a big deal.”

That sentence felt like a punch to the gut. I wanted to come see you.

Yeonjun was suddenly grateful that Beomgyu’s car ran out of gas. It felt too familiar. Too real.

“You… Wanted to see me?” Yeonjun murmured.

Beomgyu frowned. “You weren't answering my texts. I was worried.”

“Go shower, okay?” Yeonjun said after a moment. “I don't want you to get sick because of me.”

Beomgyu sighed. “Okay. I'll do that, and you go put on a sweater.”

☾

After a few minutes, Toast was awake, rubbing his little furry face against Yeonjun's sweater. Beomgyu came out of the shower wearing Yeonjun's clothes, and Yeonjun’s heart twisted painfully in his chest.

“So, Hyung,” Beomgyu said, sitting down on the couch next to him. “How have you been?”

Lie? Tell the truth?

“Fine.”

Lie it is.

Beomgyu laughed, and the sound stirred something latent in Yeonjun's soul. “Hyung,” Beomgyu said. “That’s how I answer that question when I'm depressed. You can talk to me if you want to, you know. I won't judge.”

Yeonjun was taken off guard by that. He lied about how he felt pretty often, but never got that kind of response. The kind of response that said ‘I know you're hiding something’. Once again, he felt bare in front of Beomgyu, as if he could hide nothing.

“Soobin and I fought.” Yeonjun admitted tentatively. “I don't really want to talk about it.”

“That's not the only thing, though.” Beomgyu looked over to Yeonjun, his eyes taking Yeonjun's breath away. “Is it?”

“That's it,” Yeonjun said after a moment of silence.

Beomgyu continued to look at him for a while longer, before looking away and leaning back on the couch. “Okay.”

Toast, who was having the time of his life ruining Yeonjun's clothes, abandoned his spot on Yeonjun's thigh and made his way over to Beomgyu's lap. Yeonjun sneered at him. Traitor.

“I think things will be fine with Soobin,” Beomgyu said as he gently stroked Toast's head. “It’s obvious that he cares about you a lot. Fighting between friends is normal.”

Yeonjun’s body, which was stiff and on edge ever since Beomgyu came through the door, finally relaxed. “Thank you.”

“What for?” Beomgyu asked.

“For saying that.”

Beomgyu leaned his head on Yeonjun's shoulder and continued to pet Toast affectionately. “Of course.”

Yeonjun's heart beat deafeningly in his chest. He allowed himself to stay in that moment, where everything felt fixed, for a little longer.

After a while, Beomgyu spoke up again and changed the subject, telling Yeonjun about his job, his art, his roommate, and everything else that came to mind. Yeonjun listened attentively. It felt good to focus on something that wasn't him and his pathetic life.

Eventually, Beomgyu had to leave. It stopped raining, but it was late, and Yeonjun almost offered Beomgyu to stay the night.

Though the question was on the tip of Yeonjun's tongue, Beomgyu opened the door with a smile and a goodnight, promising to see him again soon. His smile instilled such a strong calm in Yeonjun that he felt like it was okay to let Beomgyu go and didn't say anything.

And so, Beomgyu left. Toast came over to where Yeonjun stood motionless by the door, and rubbed his fluffy little head against Yeonjun's leg, as he liked to do.

☾

A few days later, as Beomgyu predicted, Soobin texted Yeonjun asking if they could talk.

Yeonjun agreed. Soobin asked if it could be in a place other than Yeonjun's apartment, and so Yeonjun sent him his location and asked him to come to the forested area near his house. Maybe it was weird, but Yeonjun felt at peace there.

The sun came down, and Soobin came not much later, wearing a hoodie and a frown. He sat next to Yeonjun wordlessly.

“I'm sorry,” Yeonjun said, because the silence felt too thick. “The last time we talked I wasn't being fair to you. You're an amazing friend and you didn't deserve what I said.”

“It's fine,” Soobin shook his head. “I'm sorry too, for the way I left. I don't regret what I said, though.”

Yeonjun nodded. He didn't say anything more, barely looking over at Soobin’s direction. He was never that scared of speaking to his best friend before.

“It wasn't easy to hear, Hyung,” Soobin said. “That you aren't doing better, and might be doing even worse than before. I wasn't surprised. Not really. But it was still hard to hear.”

Yeonjun swallowed harshly, realizing that he had to come clean. “I'm sorry, Soobin-ah. I've been lying to you for a while.”

Soobin looked sad, but he let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you for being honest.”

“I’m doing worse,” Yeonjun continued. “I feel nothing. Toast, you, Beomgyu— nothing works. I don't have the will to live anymore.”

Soobin’s frown deepened. “But, Beomgyu, I thought…” he trailed off, leaving the sentence incomplete. Yeonjun knew what he wanted to say.

“... I love him,” Yeonjun finally admitted. “I do. And somehow I still can't find the strength to continue. I love him and it doesn't make me want to live. Love didn't save me.”

“Hyung,” Soobin stopped him. “If you love him, that's already something.”

Yeonjun quieted at that. What Soobin said made sense, but Yeonjun just couldn't feel it.

“Whatever it is, it's not enough,” Yeonjun said eventually. “I'm stuck.”

“It's good that you're talking about it,” Soobin argued. “I assume you didn't tell anything to your therapist, right?”

“I hate therapy,” Yeonjun deadpanned.

That got a chuckle out of Soobin, and Yeonjun's shoulders relaxed a bit. “I know you hate it, but you're going there for a reason.”

Yeonjun shrugged. “It didn't help me before.”

They sat there for a minute. Soobin then took Yeonjun's hand and shook it. “Well, I helped you before. And I'm going to do it again.”

“I don't want you to waste your energy,” Yeonjun shook his head. “You're my friend. I shouldn't be a task.”

Soobin shoved him. “You're never a task, Hyung. I need you more than you think I do.”

That sentence helped Yeonjun more than probably intended. Despite himself, Yeonjun smiled.

“You're an amazing friend, Soob.”

Soobin finally showed his signature smile, wide and dimpled, and answered with an “I know”.

☾

Choi Beomgyu:

(20:43) Hyung!!

(20:44) My roommate is going to be out for the weekend

(20:44) Going with his partner somewhere idk

(20:44) Do you want to come over?

☾

As always, Beomgyu initiated every interaction, and Yeonjun was lucky to follow his lead. When the weekend arrived, Beomgyu came over to pick Yeonjun up from his house.

He immediately frowned when he saw him empty-handed. “Where’s Toast?”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes fondly and opened the car door. “Soobin is babysitting. I didn't want to stress him out with another new environment.”

“Fair,” Beomgyu said with a pout. “But you could've at least brought him here to say hi.”

A bit daring, Yeonjun said, “I guess you'll just have to come back to see him.”

Beomgyu smiled. “Already planned to.”

☾

Beomgyu's room was neater than Yeonjun expected.

Maybe it was because of his break room back at work, but Yeonjun was sure an artist's den would be incredibly messy.

Beomgyu laughed when he asked about it. “I don't store my art here, since it gets crazy. I keep my room artless, other than portraits of Toto.”

Beomgyu continued to rant about Toto living with his parents and how he never gets to see him anymore, and Yeonjun eased up a bit.

They sat on Beomgyu's huge bed, and Yeonjun let Beomgyu lead the conversation, occasionally commenting and asking questions about his room. Eventually, his curiosity moved to a guitar that was almost hidden by Beomgyu's closet.

“I'm not a musician or anything,” Beomgyu said with a smile. “I mean, I used to be in a band, but it was a few years ago and I only play for fun. I'm still pretty good, though, and I write songs sometimes.”

“That's pretty cool,” Yeonjun said, returning his smile.

Beomgyu smiled back, his big bright eyes and soft features making Yeonjun's heart melt. “Hyung, do you want to listen to my song?”

Yeonjun froze, the smile falling off of his face completely. He didn't want to, and yet his mind and mouth contradicted each other. “Of course.”

Beomgyu looked relieved. “I wrote it about you. It doesn't have any lyrics, though. Just sounds.”

Yeonjun didn't know how to respond to that, couldn't begin to comprehend what that sentence did to him, before Beomgyu picked up his guitar and sat back down next to Yeonjun. He checked the sounds for a bit, making sure it was tuned, and started to play.

Yeonjun hadn't heard music properly in a while, and it felt like he was shackled to the bed, forced to listen to the gentle sounds that were slowly filling the room.

The notes were so lovely, so comforting, that Yeonjun couldn't stand it. He never had anyone make him something so openly warm. It was awful. He hated how ugly it felt listening to something so beautiful.

After what seemed like an eternity, Beomgyu stopped playing, and Yeonjun didn't say anything for a while.

“... Hyung, you're crying,” Beomgyu said eventually.

Yeonjun touched his face. Yep. Those were tears.

“I didn't notice,” Yeonjun said. It was weird of him to say, because who in their right mind wouldn't notice that they started crying— other than him, who was so numb and exhausted that it became a normal occurrence, even while doing everyday things like folding laundry.

Beomgyu seemed to dislike his answer, looking at him wiping his tears quietly with a frown on his face. When Yeonjun's hands left his face, Beomgyu brought his hand to Yeonjun's cheek and stroked his thumb over it to make sure it was dry.

“Hyung, you can talk to me if you need to,” Beomgyu said quietly.

Yeonjun considered it for a short moment, before quickly dismissing the idea. Not only would he make things weird for no reason, but Beomgyu would be worried for him because of something Yeonjun already got used to and was no big deal to him. It wasn't worth the hassle.

The only thing stopping him from brushing it off was that he wanted to stop lying to Beomgyu.

“It happens,” Yeonjun said. “I’m just tired. Nothing to worry over.”

Beomgyu pursed his lips. “... Did you like it?”

That was an easy question, at least. “I loved it.”

Beomgyu’s smile at that comment made every heavy thought in Yeonjun's mind disappear. “That’s good to hear.”

☾

Yeonjun told Soobin everything when he came back home that night.

Soobin was quiet, petting Toast as Yeonjun let it all out.

“In conclusion,” Soobin said when Yeonjun stopped talking. “You cried, felt suffocated, and were too emotional to focus on anything else.”

Yeonjun shook his head. “I'm just overwhelmed.”

Soobin sighed. “Well yeah, you constantly put yourself in situations where there's no one else but the two of you and you're too in love to put down your boundaries.”

“I don't need to set boundaries with him,” Yeonjun disagreed. “He makes me feel comfortable. It's just that most of the things we do together are reminders, and that fucks with my head.”

“Then tell him,” Soobin said. “I'm serious. Tell him what happened. He'll have an easier time understanding you if he knew.”

“But that will change everything,” Yeonjun said. “Even if he chooses to still talk to me, he'll never look at me the same. I don't want him to see me like a wounded animal.”

“But it's unfair to him if you continue to hide it,” Soobin argued. “Of course it's your choice and it's personal. But if he doesn't know anything about what happened to you, how is he supposed to know that his normal friendly gestures are triggering your trauma?”

Yeonjun crossed his arms. Soobin had a point, but Beomgyu's presence in Yeonjun's life was special and he didn't want to ruin it.

“Can you try opening up to him?” Soobin requested. “For me?”

“I don't want to.”

“You should,” Soobin said gently.

Yeonjun sighed. “I know.”

☾

Yeonjun and Beomgyu met up at the park again, though Yeonjun left Toast with Soobin, feeling that the little furball would only serve as a distraction. Beomgyu came with his sketchbook and a bag full of snacks. They found a relatively quiet spot and settled there, Beomgyu chatting away as always, and Yeonjun listening intently to every word.

“Anyway, thanks for coming with me Hyung,” Beomgyu said. “I like it when people keep me company when I draw. It weirdly helps me focus.”

Yeonjun shook his head. “Of course. I have the time.”

Beomgyu grinned. “And I demand time. It's a perfect combination.”

☾

Yeonjun, who was under the assumption he was there to talk to Beomgyu and look at the birds, was surprised to find out Beomgyu had other plans. Beomgyu gave Yeonjun a notebook and a pencil case full of colored pencils.

“You didn't think I'm the only one drawing did you?” Beomgyu laughed, amused at Yeonjun's expression. “I wouldn't drag you out here just to sit next to me, Hyung.”

Yeonjun hesitated when taking the notebook from him. Seeing his reluctance, Beomgyu placed a hand on Yeonjun's shoulder to get his attention and gave him a reassuring smile. “Art doesn't need to be technically good to be beautiful,” he said. “Don’t worry about not being an artist. You can draw whatever it is you feel like, it's not like you have to show me. Just do what feels right. If you don't want to, that's fine too.”

Just like that, Yeonjun's hesitation was gone, and he felt calmer. It was as if he was a fire, burning and unstable, until the slightest action or word from Beomgyu adjusted the flames, and all that was left was pleasant warmth.

Yeonjun started to draw. At the start, it was a sketch of the park in front of him, but the drawing ended up evolving into a greener version of the forested area near his house. He drew a little shadow figure sitting on the ground with a red journal, which was supposed to be him but just looked like a humanlike blob. He contemplated whether to add Toast or not, and decided against it, purely for the reason that he'd never be able to draw a cat properly, and it would make his drawing look like a kindergartner’s.

He snuck glances at Beomgyu every once in a while. Beomgyu was completely focused on his sketch, a deep frown etched on his face as he swiftly moved the pencil. Yeonjun wondered if he used to look like that, too, when he was passionate about something.

Yeonjun finished his drawing. It ended up looking better than he imagined, but it was still completely amateur. Not even close to Beomgyu's level, but still art, in a way.

After pouring his all into drawing and spilling his heart on the paper, Yeonjun flopped down on the grass, and closed his eyes.

☾

Someone was smiling at him. The smile was devoid of ulterior motives, but still made Yeonjun uneasy, feeling like something was wrong. He looked around frantically, trying to find someone who could help, but there was no one. He started choking, and fell to the ground, just as the smiling figure in front of him disappeared. Tears and spit mixed with blood fell to the ground as he coughed and gasped. He finally lost consciousness, and his head hit the floor.

☾

Yeonjun’s eyes opened with a gasp and he shot up to a sitting position, coughing and gasping for air. Yeonjun couldn't see anything, his vision was blurry and unclear, and he desperately tried to find his water bottle with his hands.

A steadying hand found its way to his chest, and Yeonjun's panicked state was slowly winding down. A bottle was placed at his mouth, and Yeonjun drank the water, his heart slowly returning to its usual pace.

“Drink slowly.”

Yeonjun listened, taking slow sips of the water until the bottle was empty, closing his eyes and breathing as his therapist advised. After a while of deep breaths, Yeonjun opened his teary eyes to the image of a concerned Beomgyu.

“I'm fine,” was the first thing he thought to say.

Beomgyu didn't even blink. “That's even more unconvincing than usual, Hyung.”

Yeonjun immediately deflected Beomgyu's words as he was subconsciously used to. “I have a dry throat, so I always cough when I wake up. It's nothing unusual.”

“This is how you wake up every day?” Beomgyu asked, concerned.

Yeonjun shrugged. “It's not a big deal.”

“Have you spoken to a doctor?”

Yeonjun almost laughed. Beomgyu didn't know, but it was still a ridiculous question to Yeonjun, who had seen too many doctors for his taste.

“I have, don't worry about it.”

“Don’t tell me not to worry,” Beomgyu said, and it was the first time Beomgyu pushed back so hard, taking Yeonjun by surprise. “This is not the first time you fell asleep when we hung out, and you always have huge eye bags. You're not sleeping well.”

Yeonjun started to lose his temper. “Why do you care?”

Beomgyu looked at him with hurt in his eyes. The fire was completely out. “Of course I care,” he said weakly. “What kind of question is that?”

Yeonjun immediately felt guilty for putting that expression on Beomgyu's usually happy face. He looked away for a moment, breathed in, and finally faced Beomgyu properly.

“I'm really tired,” Yeonjun admitted. “Yes, I don't sleep well. I wake up exhausted every day. It's not normal. You're right.”

“Hyung,” Beomgyu said kindly. “If you need to talk, you can. I'm here.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” Yeonjun asked. “How do you know?”

“Because,” Beomgyu said, looking at Yeonjun with an unbearably soft expression, “I can tell. I know you're not doing well. I wanted you to tell me at your own pace, but I guess I'm impatient.”

Yeonjun buried his face in his hands. It was all too much. Beomgyu knew without Yeonjun telling him that he was falling apart. Was he that outwardly pathetic? He must've been. Even Toast treated him like he was someone to be pitied.

Beomgyu put his hands over Yeonjun's, and he slowly pried Yeonjun's hands from his face, revealing the treacherous tears that fell from his eyes. Yeonjun didn't fight the contact.

“Tell me if this makes you uncomfortable, Hyung,” Beomgyu said. He shuffled closer, and rested his head on Yeonjun's shoulder, taking his hand properly and intertwining their fingers. He squeezed Yeonjun's hand. “I'm going to close my eyes,” Beomgyu said. “If you want to, you can talk. If you don't, we can stay like this. If you need space, tell me and I'll let you be.”

“Why?” Yeonjun croaked, his throat betraying him. “Why do you keep holding on?”

With his eyes closed, and a sad smile that Yeonjun couldn't see, Beomgyu answered him. “Because you're worth being held onto, Hyung.”

Yeonjun squeezed his eyes shut and let the tears stream down.

☾

After a while of staying like that, Yeonjun calmed down, and stopped crying. Beomgyu was warm to the touch, and Yeonjun relied on that warmth and Beomgyu's overflowing strength so he could open his injured heart to him.

“I used to work at a dance studio part-time when I was in university,” he began. “I worked there until I graduated and was promoted to be an instructor. I also performed as part of that studio, and my dance partner was my boyfriend.”

Yeonjun wondered what kind of face Beomgyu was making. He wondered if Beomgyu's eyes were still closed, and if he was surprised. There were so many things at stake, but somehow, Yeonjun didn't feel scared anymore. Beomgyu’s hand intertwined with his made Yeonjun forget his fears.

“I was a dancer from a young age and I loved it,” Yeonjun continued. “He did too. He was twice as passionate as me when it came to dancing. It had me falling behind. I practiced harder than anyone, dancing until I hated it. It made me hate music too, because I just couldn't match it as well as I wanted to.”

The memory stung, but Yeonjun shook off the pain. He wasn't there anymore. It was in the past. “I wanted to be on his level. We had a big competition coming up, so I practiced into the night every day to keep up. He used to tell me that He hated how we barely saw each other despite being in the same place every day.”

Back then, Yeonjun might've been avoiding him. If it was because of the resentment or the pressure, he couldn't say. His partner remained bright and beautiful, while he wasted away in the studio, attempting to reach him. He stood on a pedestal Yeonjun placed him on himself, and he chased the image of his partner's back as if he wasn't right beside him the entire time. “One night he drove to the studio to come pick me up,” Yeonjun said, and a shiver went down his spine recalling the memory. “Then, a guy who fell asleep while driving rammed into his car. He died.”

Yeonjun stopped there, a heavy silence keeping him from continuing the story. Beomgyu didn't say anything, but didn't move from Yeonjun's side. Yeonjun took a deep breath.

“His parents always hated me for holding him back and not being their ideal partner for their child. I had to argue with them, scream and cry, to be able to attend the funeral. His mother told me after the funeral that it was my fault that her son was dead and that she never wanted to see me again. So I tried to kill myself.”

Silence.

“I felt like living wasn't worth it anymore. I was already self-harming and couldn't feel anything,” Yeonjun said. “The only thing I wanted was to die.”

After a moment, Yeonjun added, “But it didn't work”.

Beomgyu, who listened to Yeonjun's story silently, unmoving yet firmly by his side, untangled their hands and moved to face Yeonjun. He cupped Yeonjun's face with his hand with the utmost care.

“That's good,” Beomgyu murmured. “Because I don't know what I'd do without you.”

Yeonjun didn't dare to speak, afraid that his voice would betray him. He was completely hypnotized by Beomgyu's words, the touch on his cheek, and the beating of his heart.

It was the most Beomgyu had ever looked like the dream counterpart that appeared in Yeonjun's consciousness all that time ago.

“Thank you for telling me,” Beomgyu said softly. “It must be hard to talk about.”

Yeonjun swallowed and nodded, unable to speak.

“I want you to want to live,” Beomgyu told him. “I know that It's an unreasonable request. I know it's not going to fix everything. But I want to try and get you there.”

Yeonjun could only stare as Beomgyu spoke.

“Will you try it out with me?”

☾

Yeonjun walked to the bus stop, replaying Beomgyu's last words to him in his head over and over again.

Maybe sleeping at home is hard for you because of the responsibilities. Because of the memories. Come over.

The invitation was burnt into the back of Yeonjun's mind. He was still shaking, overwhelmed by the fact he finally told Beomgyu the truth. Beomgyu asked him if he was okay to head home by himself, and Yeonjun nodded, even though he was visibly not okay.

Not only was recalling his past difficult, but Yeonjun was also overcome with the intensity of the moment he and Beomgyu shared, and knew that there was no more denying. He loved him more than he'd ever expected to, hopelessly waiting for him to reach out, clinging to every moment they shared.

Yeonjun realized that he needed Beomgyu in his life more than he'd ever expected to. He was grateful for his already warm presence, but he needed his comforting words far more than he'd previously thought. He was doing better when Beomgyu was by his side.

☾

Yeonjun decided to take Beomgyu up on his offer.

Soobin was as reliable as ever with taking care of Toast in Yeonjun's absence, and didn't judge when Yeonjun explained the situation, only encouraged him to try it out and to call if he needed anything. Yeonjun felt guilty, as he had rejected Soobin's idea to sleep over before, but he was grateful for his understanding.

“Go do your thing,” Soobin urged. “I'm going to spend some quality time with my nephew.”

Toast seemed pleased at that, purring as Soobin scratched behind his ears.

Usually Yeonjun would roll his eyes, but he was feeling strangely sentimental with a bag thrown over his shoulder and keys in hand. He gave Toast a kiss on his little furry head, and after a moment of deliberation, placed another kiss on Soobin's head as well.

“I'll be back,” he felt the need to say.

Soobin blinked at him. The surprised look on his face eased a bit of Yeonjun's nerves. He opened his door and waved at Soobin. Soobin returned his wave with a thumbs up and a smile.

☾

Yeonjun made it to Beomgyu's house easily.

What was a bit more difficult was getting himself to do anything beyond that point.

After a few moments of standing there like a statue, Yeonjun finally decided to knock on the door in front of him, feeling unsure.

In a flash, the door opened, and a tall guy with kind eyes came face to face with Yeonjun. “Oh,” he exclaimed. “You must be Hyung's friend. Come in.”

Yeonjun followed him in. The guy, who must've been Beomgyu's roommate, handed Yeonjun a glass of water.

“Beomgyu hyung is in the shower, he'll be here in a minute. My name is Hueningkai, I'm Hyung's roommate. You can call me Kai.”

“Nice to meet you,” Yeonjun said. “I'm Yeonjun.”

Kai smiled at him. “It's really nice to meet you! I’ve heard a lot about you. Sorry to leave you here, but I was just on the way out.”

Yeonjun sat down on the couch. “No need to apologize. Thank you for letting me in.”

“Of course! See you!” Kai said, waving as he grabbed his keys, shutting the door gently behind him.

Well. That was… not a disaster.

“Hyung!” Yeonjun heard from behind him, turning around to see an excited, fresh-out-of-the-shower Beomgyu. He had a towel over his head to dry his wet hair, wore shorts, and also a hoodie with clearly nothing underneath.

Yeonjun felt his heart tighten in his chest.

“You look good,” Yeonjun said. After a moment he realized how that sounded and added, “You suit the wet hair.”

“Thanks,” Beomgyu grinned. “You look good too Hyung, as usual. Go put your bag in my room, I'll make us tea.”

Before Yeonjun could wrap his head around the statement, he did as he was told, and made his way to Beomgyu's freakishly tidy room. There was a pullout bed right next to Beomgyu's, and Yeonjun briefly gave space to the thought that if they just pushed the beds together, it would become one bed. With the two of them in it.

He didn't know if he wanted that to happen or was scared of it happening.

By the time he finished texting Soobin that he was fine and to focus on Toast, Beomgyu came back with two cups of tea.

“It's a Lemonade Louisa leaves tea that I made myself,” Beomgyu announced proudly. “Kai, my roommate, started growing a plant of them. I'm obsessed. Let me know if you want any sugar, though.”

Yeonjun took the cup from Beomgyu with an endeared smile on his face. “Thank you. You're not you if you're not shamelessly proud of yourself, huh?”

Beomgyu laughed. “I’m proud of myself because I did a great job, thank you very much!”

They sat down and talked, which was mostly Beomgyu talking about work and how manageable art has been since he quit his second job, and Yeonjun listening intently. He told a few stories about Toast that Beomgyu seemed to love, which got him to talk about his bird Toto, and how his apartment doesn't allow animals which is a crime (according to Beomgyu law). It was fun.

They ended up watching a movie at Beomgyu's request. It was some sort of Japanese romance movie that would be popular, but Yeonjun wouldn't understand why at all. The movie looked good, but it was so slow that Yeonjun was visibly bored. At some point, the main characters were talking and walking together on their way home, and Yeonjun readied himself for another scene of slow dialogue, long pauses, and painfully obvious flirting that goes unnoticed by the male lead.

“Hyung,” Beomgyu said with a grin. “Do you like the movie?”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun replied automatically, in the most unconvincing tone Beomgyu has heard from him.

“No you don't!” Beomgyu laughed. “You suck at pretending!”

“... I guess I'm too used to lying,” Yeonjun said as Beomgyu's laughter filled the room.

“You're smiling, though,” Beomgyu pointed out happily. “Is that a lie, too?”

Yeonjun's smile widened at being found out. “I guess not.”

Beomgyu seemed satisfied with that answer. “Let's watch a different one.”

☾

Eventually, when Yeonjun started to get drowsy, Beomgyu turned the TV off with a smile.

“Go to sleep,” Beomgyu encouraged. “I'll turn off the lights. Is it okay if I leave a tiny bit of light though?”

Yeonjun nodded groggily, and Beomgyu laughed lightly as he shuffled his way over to the bed Beomgyu set up for him and crashed on the pillow. He was tired, and his head felt heavy, but even with his eyes shut he had a hard time letting his thoughts rest.

He tried to fall asleep for what felt like an eternity. His eyes were closed, and his back was turned to Beomgyu. He didn't know what time it was, but it must've been a while since he attempted to go to sleep. Beomgyu was definitely awake, as Yeonjun could sometimes hear soft tapping on a phone screen. Eventually, Beomgyu got up, his light steps cutting through the silence as he made his way slowly to Yeonjun's bed.

Then, Beomgyu murmured something quietly. It felt as if he screamed it at him. He leaned over to Yeonjun and kissed his head gently, before he closed the night light and went back to his bed. Yeonjun spiralled.

I love you, Hyung.

Said gently, carefully, lovingly.

I love you too.

Left unsaid.

☾

Something wordless formed between Yeonjun and Beomgyu over time. An unsaid promise, that Beomgyu would wait for Yeonjun to be ready, whenever that may be. Yeonjun was aware of it. He felt it whenever they were together. Beomgyu stayed the same, but he was a little more aware, and his eyes were a tiny bit kinder.

Yeonjun didn't mention what he said the night he slept over at his house. Even if he knew that Beomgyu would accept whatever he'd say, he hesitated. He didn't know if Beomgyu said it knowing Yeonjun might hear, or if he said it thinking he was sleeping.

Maybe Yeonjun misheard him, or misunderstood him, or maybe it was said on a whim without having too much meaning attached.

Despite all of those theories, when he wasn't overthinking, he knew that it was genuine. He knew Beomgyu's affection wasn't something he'd give out on a whim.

And so Beomgyu would keep giving away his warmth, and Yeonjun would continue to take it for as long as Beomgyu was willing to offer it to him. They started having sleepovers that were a bit more consistent, always at Beomgyu's, with Soobin looking after Toast.

Beomgyu never said that sentence from the first time Yeonjun slept over out loud again, but Yeonjun felt his affection all the same. Gradually, Yeonjun would get a little more sleep than the previous time he slept over, until one day he opened his eyes to sunlight and Beomgyu's phone vibrating.

It was his eight AM alarm.

“Hyung, you're awake,” Beomgyu said with a radiant smile. He was already dressed. “Come to the kitchen. Kai and I made breakfast.”

After brushing his teeth, Yeonjun sat down by the kitchen table. Kai, who Yeonjun came to learn was an angel in disguise, made him coffee with oat milk (which came to be Yeonjun's favorite after he learned it didn't trigger his horrendous nausea) and placed it in front of him with a smile.

“I'll leave for work soon,” Beomgyu said after placing a plate right next to his coffee. “You can stay if you want to, Kai's here today.”

Yeonjun shook his head. “Thank you, but I should get back home. I have way too much laundry piled up.”

Kai laughed. “So do we. Beomgyu hyung keeps neglecting his duties.”

“Hey, I can't do laundry when I'm hosting!”

“Then maybe stop inviting Yeonjun hyung as much,” Kai said.

He said it to tease Beomgyu, Yeonjun knew that, but he felt something weird in his chest when Kai said that.

“No way,” Beomgyu declared. “Yeonjun hyung is here to stay, you brat. Maybe your boyfriend should invest in you a little more so you have more clothes. Your wardrobe is just a bunch of sweatpants and hoodies, anyway.”

Kai laughed and said something else, but Yeonjun wasn't paying attention anymore. He could only focus on Beomgyu's words.

Yeonjun hyung is here to stay.

☾

Toast has been growing steadily.

He was still small, but he wasn't the kitten Yeonjun brought home when he was on the verge of collapse anymore. Toast gained a lot of confidence, and in his own way, he was a pretty good self-proclaimed (Soobin being the one proclaiming) therapy cat. He knew exactly when to come to Yeonjun and offer his support, and his presence in Yeonjun's room when he slept alone helped. Yeonjun managed to sleep a few hours most nights without interruption, and even more when he slept over at Beomgyu's, which was a massive change. He lied a little less every therapy session.

“You're glowing,” Soobin said to him one day, sitting on Yeonjun's couch as Toast played with a yarn ball on the floor. “You look so good, Hyung. Who knew sleep was the answer to getting better?”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. “You did.”

Soobin smiled in satisfaction. “I love being right. I'm so proud of you, Hyung.”

Yeonjun smiled fondly. “Thank you for everything, Soobin-ah.”

Soobin hugged Yeonjun’s side. “Of course, Hyung.”

☾

Beomgyu took Yeonjun to their park again. For the first time in a while, Yeonjun brought Toast, as he felt that it would benefit him to be outside a little. Beomgyu brought the food as usual, and Yeonjun noticed he was somehow adjusting the food he brought to Yeonjun's food sensitivity, even though they had never discussed it before. Maybe he noticed Yeonjun avoiding certain things when he came over, or maybe he just picked on it whenever he was over at Yeonjun's and saw his basically empty fridge. Whatever it was, Yeonjun was grateful. That feeling sat with him whenever he and Beomgyu hung out. Not only the gratitude, though. Yeonjun felt many things towards him.

Those feelings led him to ask something he held onto for a while.

“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun said, making Beomgyu look away from Toast who was playing with his shirt. “Why did you come up to me that day in the park?”

Beomgyu looked at him for a moment, considering. “The day I took pictures of Toast?”

Yeonjun nodded.

Beomgyu looked back at Toast, who meowed at him for attention. “Well,” Beomgyu said. “You might think I'm a creep if I tell you.”

Out of everything he could've said, that was the last thing Yeonjun expected Beomgyu to say. “Huh?”

Beomgyu laughed softly at his surprised expression. Yeonjun cleared his throat.

“I'd still like to know. And I'll never think you're a creep.”

Beomgyu gave Toast tiny head pats. “Before I met you, I used to have weird dreams.”

Yeonjun's eyes widened.

“They weren't necessarily bad dreams, but they always left a strange feeling in my chest when I woke up,” Beomgyu revealed. “I'd dream of a boy with tears in his eyes.”

Yeonjun didn't dare to speak. He could only stare as Beomgyu spoke of the experience that was all too familiar.

“The first time I saw you in person, you were coming out of the grocery store,” he continued. “You had the biggest eye bags I've ever seen, and bandages peeked through the sleeves of your jacket. I was scared to talk to you. I thought I'd look crazy for coming up to you and saying 'Hey, I dream about you crying every night', so I didn't say anything.”

“What changed?” Yeonjun asked, somehow.

“You started looking better,” Beomgyu answered, "So I thought about trying to talk to you. And then you picked up my notebook at the bus stop."

Yeonjun remembered. "Oh," he said softly. "I didn't know.”

Beomgyu smiled sadly. “I didn't want to burden you with it. You seemed to have a lot on your plate.”

Yeonjun closed his eyes. “Yeah.”

“When I saw you,” Beomgyu said, “I didn't know what to think about it all. I didn't understand until we became friends.”

Yeonjun opened his eyes slowly. “what didn't you understand?”

“That we were meant to meet,” Beomgyu smiled as their eyes met. “That I had a hollow space in my life that was waiting for you to fill it up.”

“Don't say that,” Yeonjun croaked as his eyes began to sting. “Don't get my hopes up.”

Beomgyu took his hand, his eyes assuredly staring into Yeonjun's. “I'm not just saying it. I mean it. I love you, hyung. I'm not going anywhere. Your hopes can be as high as they want to be.”

Yeonjun's eyes welled up immediately, and wet tears ran down his cheeks. The tears overwhelmed him with their intensity, brimming with happiness, sorrow, exhaustion, and relief. Beomgyu gently pulled him in, placing a comforting hand on the base of Yeonjun's neck. Yeonjun buried his face in Beomgyu's shoulder, clinging to his shirt like a lifeline, as Toast snuggled up to his thigh.

Crying had never felt so freeing.