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Grace had reentered the apartment after some time. She decided to go on a walk, just to clear her ever rushing mind. She assumed that getting some fresh air would help, despite the fact that her mood had been terrible for almost two weeks, and she’d gone out to “get some fresh air” a lot more than just once within that timeframe. Grace just needed to shake this, just before Freddie started to notice and confronted her about it. That was the last thing she wanted. Grace despised talking to Freddie about her problems. In her mind, she didn’t think Freddie deserved to have to listen to her vent like she was some psychologist. She feared that if she did go to her often, eventually she’d get tired of it and, well, leave. No matter how dedicated Freddie was to their now romantic relationship, Grace’s mind just had to catasrophize every possible outcome of her deciding to sit down and ask Freddie to just sit and listen.
“Grace?” Freddie said, now waving her hand in front of Grace’s face to wipe her from her daydreaming. Truthfully, she didn’t realize she’d just been standing there idly since walking in.
”You ok?” She then asked, which prompted Grace to straighten herself out and remove any signs of distress from her stature.
“Yeah, I’m fine, Fred. Just a little tired.” Grace lied, and she knew that Freddie saw right through her deceit, as the taller woman’s eyebrow raised at her reply.
“Grace, you’ve been off for weeks. Did you really think I hadn’t noticed? This is the third time this week that you’ve “gone out for fresh air”.” Freddie replied, arms now crossed. This obviously stressed out Grace more, seeing as she hadn’t been a inconspicuous as she’d initially thought. However, she couldn’t let this notion cause her to falter.
“So?” She asked, hoping Freddie would lower her guard.
“So obviously something’s wrong.”
Damn you, Freddie and your persistence. Grace thought, knowing that she wouldn’t get Freddie off of her back so easily. Part of her did feel bad for pushing Freddie away, it killed her, in fact. But Grace figured it was better than laying all of her baggage onto her instead. She took a deep breath, recollecting her thoughts as she swept through her mind for some sort of valid response.
“Grace, please, I’m worried about you. Whatever’s bothering you, you can tell me and I’ll be there for you no matter what.” Freddie nearly pleaded. She held Grace’s hands in her own, holding them tight, “You know that, right?”
Well, shit. Now, Grace had Freddie practically begging her to open up. This made her feel all the more guilty about keeping her stress to herself. And to make matters worse, Grace wanted to open up to Freddie. It was debilitating to keep everything bottled up, especially when she knew Freddie was willing to help her through literally anything. But most of her just couldn’t bring her to do so, she felt even more guilty thinking about burdening Freddie with her own problems. Plus, it put her stomach in knots once she’d begun to think about the possible outcome of that decision.
Grace felt her breath begin to go shallow. She clenched her fists, instinctively, praying the feeling would disappear. She knew what came next if the feeling didn’t dissipate.
“I-I can’t.” Grace managed through her rising anxiety, part of her hoping that maybe Freddie would be convinced. Though most of her knew that was a stupid thought.
Freddie accessed Grace’s expression, noticing her slightly unsteady breathing immediately. Her own expression grew more concerned as she further inspected her girlfriend’s condition.
“Hey, hey, how about we go sit down?” She suggested, leading Grace to the couch. Grace couldn’t protest. She couldn’t reassure Freddie that was fine, because maybe now, she really wasn’t.
“Freddie, I-I’m sorry—I just—“ Grace began, though it came out a lot more panicked and teary than she wanted it to.
“No, no—Grace, don’t apologize for anything, ok?” Freddie interrupted. “For now, I want you to breath with me, alright?”
Grace nodded, at this point she was desperate for the panic to disappear. She couldn’t bring herself to feel anything other than that, and she despised every moment of it. Freddie pressed one of Grace’s hands upon her own chest, allowing her to catch the rhythm of her breathing, hoping it’d help assist Grace in her own. Grace began to follow the steady rhythm of Freddie’s breathing, at first it turned out to be more difficult than expected, but with time, her breathing gradually grew slower and more steady.
Once she’d gotten back into a steady breathing rhythm, Grace spoke immediately, “I’m sorry—I don’t know why that happened.” She said, despite knowing exactly what drew her into a panic attack.
“You don’t have to apologize every time you have a panic attack, Grace.” Freddie said, lightheartedly. “Things have been tough. For both of us. This is completely justified.” Freddie continued, her tone more serious, “But, I still want to know what’s going on. I’m really worried about you.”
Grace sighed. She knew that by now, she couldn’t get herself out of this inevitable conversation, so she could only grace herself for Freddie’s response.
“Ok..I’ve just been overcome with this overwhelming sense of..dread for days. Since you—since you died, I’ve been so on edge for no reason. And since we’ve officially started dating, I’ve been even more afraid to lose you than I’ve ever been before.” Grace explained. “I’ve been terrified to open up, more so than I ever have, because I don’t want you to decide that I’m just—not right for you.” She admitted, staring down at her feet.
“Grace, you’re my best friend, and the love of my life. I could never leave you, especially not because of something like this.” Freddie said, gently placing one of her hands on top of Grace’s. “I want you to stay open with me, I want to help you through anything I can..because I love you..and I know that you’ve had past relationships where you couldn’t be open, where your partner would only love you for the enjoyable moments. But I will never be anything like that.”
Grace couldn’t help but let some tears fall from her eyes, “I—I love you too, Freddie.” She muttered, allowing herself to stare into Freddie’s eyes.
“More than I love you?” Freddie teased, hoping to lighten the mood.
Grace chuckled, wiping away her stray tears, “Is that even possible?”
“I’d say it is.” She smirked, pulling Grace close to her. “My love for you is literally immeasurable.”
“How about we call our love for each other even, then?” Grace rolled her eyes lightheartedly, laying her head onto Freddie’s shoulder.
“Sure, that seems fair.” Freddie smiled, laying her own head gently atop Grace’s.