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Haruka has always been content with living alone; after all, it worked in his favor. Growing up, he has learned to love the uninterrupted silences, the comfort in knowing there will always be order just the way he liked it, the freedom in just being. It has been simplicity at best, independence settling on his back like wings.
But it’s different now. With Rin under the same roof as him, it's rolling over in his sleep in the middle of the night and seeing his sleeping face illuminated by moonlight, it's waking up with Rin's arms around him and being greeted with a smile still heavy with remnants of sleep and a voice warmer than the sun pooling on their faces. There's no such thing as the gentleness of quietude, because Rin's laughs fill the spaces in every room. There's no order according to Haruka's preference anymore, because everywhere he looks, there's a piece of Rin that reminds him he's not alone.
It fills Haruka's chest with elation. Never in his life did he think that he'll have something like this, so special that even something so completely mundane such as Rin drinking water from their fridge feels surreal.
He loves it.
"Haru, we don't need more mackerel," Rin sighs exasperatedly, steering Haruka away from the seafood station. "We still have some in the freezer, did you forget?"
Haruka ignores him. "We have some meat left too but that didn't stop you from buying more."
Rin makes an indignant sound while pushing him towards the fresh produce station. "You need variation. And a balanced diet! Honestly, living off of fish won't make you grow gills, idiot."
Haruka resists the urge to roll his eyes, deciding he'll just get those mackerel before they head over the cashier no matter what. They fall into a comfortable silence, with Rin humming under his breath as he chooses vegetables for their dinner later. Buying groceries takes more time now than it used to, Haruka supposes. With Rin beside him, both of their hands pushing the cart in front of them, the simple task has become almost like a hobby and he finds that he actually likes it, despite Rin's constant lectures about healthy living.
"Do we still have carrots at home, Haru?"
Warmth fills Haruka at the mention of home. They have been living together for approximately three months now but the whole concept of sharing a house with Rin―a life, really, still makes him breathless. He doesn't even know he's smiling until Rin points it out. His face blooms into a shade of red and he shakes his head, no, there aren't any carrots left.
They stop in the sweets aisle on their way to the cashier. Haruka watches as Rin picks up a bag of fruit-flavored lollipops.
"Why are we buying candies, Rin?"
"Oh, this?" Rin says with a soft smile as he puts the bag in their cart. "It's for when Nagisa visits."
Haruka's arms find Rin's waist. He buries his face against his sweater and doesn't care if other people can see them, doesn't care because Rin is real and soft and has the ability to turn Haruka into mush with just a simple set of words.
"Oi, Haru? What are you doing?"
"Rin, buy me mackerel," he mumbles, his voice muffled by the cotton of Rin's sweater.
"I already told you―"
Haruka huffs. "You're buying yourself meat and Nagisa, lollipops."
Rin barks out a laugh. "Haru, don't tell me you're jealous?" When Haruka doesn't respond behind him, he throws his head back to laugh again.
This time Haruka does rolls his eyes and he lets go of Rin to glare at him. "Are you done?"
There's a mischievous glint in Rin's eyes when he turns to Haruka, and it suddenly reminds him of middle school and a relentless Rinrin who didn't stop even when he's met with rejection. "Sure, Haru. I'll let you buy your mackerel... if you catch me!" And then Rin is speeding off with their cart before Haruka has the chance to protest.
His legs work before his mind does, chasing after Rin down aisles and aisles of home products; shouting excuse mes and sorrys at the other buyers as they run, their laughter echoing through the entire grocery.
Rin rolls over one night, his eyes shining in a way that makes Haruka, in his soporific state, think the stars are in them. "Haru, let's go out."
"...No," Haruka grumbles, turning his back on Rin to sleep.
The problem with Rin deciding on something is that he always sees it through no matter how much Haruka wants his sleep, so twenty minutes later the both of them are dressed and ready to head out.
"What do you even want to do, Rin? It's 2AM," Haruka murmurs, eyes still heavy with sleep. His hands bury themselves in the pockets of his sweater (formerly Rin's.)
Rin's grin is sharp under the moonlight. "We can do whatever we want!"
Haruka chooses not to poke on the holes of Rin's faulty midnight logic and shrugs instead. "Fine."
"That's the spirit, Haru!"
They end up sitting beside each other in a 24hr diner. Haruka leans into Rin, using his shoulder as a pillow while they wait for their pancakes and hot chocolate drinks. Their midnight adventure, as Rin calls it, was really just a series of long walks around the park and sitting on the swing set while gazing up at the stars. There was a brief moment where Haruka felt little; under the wide expanse of the night sky, it seemed like he didn't matter. But then Rin threaded their fingers together and suddenly Haruka felt alright. Because the world might not care about him, but Rin does.
He finds that it is enough.
When they fight―the kind that leaves the both of them breathing heavily and drained, Haruka goes to Makoto's apartment to clear his head off. Makoto offers him a glass of water and a patient smile that meant you can tell me anything. Makoto doesn't prod but when Haruka doesn't speak, he starts to tread carefully.
"Are you okay, Haru?" he asks softly and Haruka kind of hates it, kind of hates him, kind of hates Rin.
He nods. It's ridiculous, because he knows it isn't. There's a heavy feeling in his chest that's making it hard for him to breathe and he wonders if it's the same for Rin. Guilt sits in his stomach, but can you really blame him for telling Rin to leave him alone if he's so hard to live with, in the first place?
Makoto's smile is gentle. "It's Rin, Haru. Did you expect everything would be easy?"
An hour later and Rin is there, hands stuffed in his pockets. Makoto greets him in the doorway and they chat for a bit about his work. Rin's voice is light but there's an underlying tension in his words that makes Haruka unable to speak even as they walk back to their apartment.
They don't speak through dinner and Haruka hates it because Rin is supposed to be talking. Rin is supposed to be cutting through the thickness of silence between them, not eating mechanically with red-rimmed eyes and doing the dishes stiffly, like he doesn't want to be here―because what's the point of taking him home, then?
Rin is the first one to go to bed and Haruka―resisting the urge to tear out his hair―contemplates sleeping on the couch. He sighs loudly, and the sound of it feels achingly empty. He trudges toward their room and the sight of Rin buried under their blanket fills Haruka with guilt again, worse than when he was in Makoto's apartment because then, his guilt was accompanied by pent-up frustration. Now, the guilt just gnaws at his stomach weakly. He stands at the foot of their bed, not knowing what to do.
"Haru?" Rin's voice is softer than the shaft of moonlight illuminating their room. "What are you doing?"
"...I don't know," and it's heavy with truth that by the time Haruka breathes again, he feels a bit lighter.
Rin reaches for his arm, tugging him into his cocoon of warmth. "Come to bed, then."
Haruka gratefully slips in and settles beside Rin who snuggles into him. It throws him off-kilter when Rin does something unexpectedly, like an actor going off script they've rehearsed for weeks. "Are... are you still mad?"
"No," Rin answers gently after a moment. "We're-we're both stupid, and we need to work on our shit better, Haru."
The apology sits on Haruka's tongue but he knows better than to interrupt Rin, so he waits.
"It's not gonna be easy. We've only lived together for five months, it's bound to get difficult along the way, Haru. But-but, I love you. You know that, right?" Rin's words land somewhere deep inside Haruka. "Sometimes it really is hard living with you, especially when you don't want to talk but we've gotten better with communication, haven't we? And we're just going to work on it again and again because shit, I really love you Haru and I don't want to lose you again."
Haruka nods, fervently, and then he's leaning towards Rin and their lips are clashing desperately, mouth seeking mouth; filling their throats with silent apologies and promises to do better. He feels Rin's sighs between his teeth and it goes straight to his stomach. "I'm sorry, Rin." Sorry because he never wants you to leave him alone, and he's sorry for saying it anyway.
Rin pulls him in closer, his arms tight around him. He kisses the space between Haruka's eyebrows, each of his eyelids, the slope of his nose, his cheeks, the edges of his mouth before capturing his lips again in a kiss that leaves Haruka breathless. "I'm sorry too." Sorry because he'll never leave you alone, and he's sorry for doing it anyway.
They snuggle deeper into their blanket, Haruka curling up against Rin's embrace as they fall into a peaceful slumber.
Rin comes home hugging a paper bag, his eyes practically sparkling with delight. He's bouncing with energy, like a kid who can't stop rubbing his hands together but when Haruka opens his mouth to ask, all he gets is a snicker which definitely means Rin is planning something.
Haruka isn't sure what to make of it, so he just shrugs it off.
The curiosity comes back later, when Rin shouts 'Don't come in here until I tell you to!' and proceeds to lock himself in the bathroom. He can hear the giggles and he resists the urge to knock and disturb whatever Rin is doing inside.
"You can come in now, Haru," Rin shouts after ten minutes.
Haruka puts down his book and pads across the room to the bathroom. He's greeted with a sight of Rin submerged in the tub, looking completely blissed-out. It's only when Haruka takes his eyes off of Rin that he notices the water.
"Rin, what did you do?" He asks, two parts scandalized; one part awed. The water looks pink and admittedly, it is a lovely shade of pink, reminding him of pools filled with cherry blossoms―but what in the world is this?
Rin grins at him, looking absolutely dreamy. "I bought bath bombs, Haru!"
"...Bath bombs," he repeats, fixing Rin with a deadpan stare.
Rin reaches out to Haruka and tugs at him to come closer. "Look, this is the sakura bath bomb. Doesn't it remind you of sakuras, Haru? Isn't it romantic?"
Haruka stares. The water might be pink and positively filled with glitters and flowers but he can still see the outlines of Rin's legs, sharp and lean underwater. He swallows around the lump in his throat.
"Why don't you get in?" Rin's voice is husky, seductive; inviting.
When Haruka turns to him, he sees Rin watching him with half-lidded eyes and feels hot. His hands burn to touch him everywhere until Rin is panting under his fingertips. Just the thought of it knocks the wind out of him. "But the glitters..."
Rin must've heard the slight tremor in his voice because his grin grows wider. "Does it really matter?"
It doesn't, Haruka supposes because when Rin starts to pull his legs up, he's quick to shed off his clothes and get in the tub. Rin is immediately on him, soft and pliant against his lips.
"Doesn't this feel good, Haru?" He whispers, lips teasing his earlobe. Haruka shivers despite the water's hot temperature.
He puts his arms around Rin, marvels at the way water sluices down Rin's skin, and seeks his mouth. "You feel good, Rin."
Rin dives under and Haruka inhales, sharply, as Rin's mouth closes around him. He thinks of kaleidoscopes, of dizzying colors, of breaking the surface after being underwater for too long and your lungs expand in a way to accommodate the gulps of oxygen coming in. When he comes, he can only cry Rin's name out, gripping the edges of the tub so tight it turns his knuckles white.
Rin resurfaces with a triumphant grin on his face, water falling down in rivulets on his face. Haruka's breath stills. Rin looks absolutely glorious.
They stay in when they hear the pitter-patter of the rain on the windows. Rin decides a pillow fort will be nice in this weather and they pile the floor with blankets and comforters, and use chairs to fortify the walls of their fort. Haruka drapes a blanket above the chairs while Rin strings the fairy lights that he's apparently kept just for this moment.
They crawl inside armed with a bowl of snacks and a few paperbacks.
It feels safe inside the fort, and Haruka thinks of childhood dreams and innocence. Of quiet snickers in the middle of night sounding more like secrets instead of laughs. Of security and love and Rin, who's beside him rolling under the blanket feeling like a little kid. Fondness slips in his smile.
"I love this," Rin whispers. "The last time I built a pillow fort, it was before I left for Australia. Gou and I stayed up past our bedtime..."
Nostalgia sneaks in Rin's voice and if Haruka listens closely, he can also hear the tinge of sadness in it; after all, Australia for little Rin was a place of broken dreams.
"I've never built a pillow fort," Haruka blurts out.
It surprises Rin, whose eyes are glazed over as he recounts his childhood memories silently. "Not even with Makoto?"
He shakes his head. It doesn't fill him with sadness though, or longing for his childhood because he's much more happy building his first pillow fort with Rin, who kisses him lightly on the lips; who finds his hand and fills the spaces in-between. The chill from the rain outside sneaks inside and settles in their bones. They watch the lights cast a warm glow around them, softening the lulls of silence in their fort.
Haruka props himself up on his elbow and stares at the way Rin's hair is splayed on a pillow like undulating ocean waves. "Hey, Rin?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you," he says, voice thick with emotion as he studies the way the light moves in Rin's eyes; the way his face blooms at his words. He feels the sudden urge to get a camera and capture this moment, where it feels like the world has stopped spinning on its axis as Rin smiles up at him. It's breathtaking.
Rin reaches for his face, stroking the arch of his cheekbones with the pad of his thumb before pulling him down for a kiss. It feels like someone is setting fireworks in his chest and it's a riot. When they pull apart, Rin touches his forehead to his. "I love you too, Haruka."
The name sounds foreign in his ears, and Haruka wonders how something as simple as his name can feel so intimate. There's an ocean inside him, pulling him under and over and under again as Rin plays with his hair. "Say my name again."
"Haruka."
Rin tastes of apples and devotion as Haruka catches his lips in one swift move. As their mouths move against each other, he hears the beating of his heart and the rush of ocean in his ears. It sweeps them under, and they don't resurface―not for a little while.
Haruka learns that living with Rin is not always going to be easy. Sometimes, the shower breaks and the heater doesn't work. Sometimes, they spend the entire day marathoning movies, with Haruka kissing away Rin's tears when the main protagonists break up. Sometimes, they fight, when the storm in their hands gets too much and the thunders echo too loud. The peace comes, it always does and it makes Haruka cling a little tighter to Rin while they sleep.
Living with Rin feels like a wave that crests and crashes, but he accepts, like shore to sea, and does not ask for more.
Because he might not like it when Rin uses a bath bomb three days in a row, or swipes the mackerel off his dinner and forces him to eat more meat, or refuses to move to his side of the bed, but it's home. Rin, in all his imperfection and chaos, will always be Haruka's home and there's nothing quite like it when Rin slips his arms around Haruka and breathes I'm home in his ear and Haruka smiles and turns to press his lips lightly on his cheek.
"Welcome back."