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My mother died when I was 8. She was always so strong; it broke me to see her suffer. To see her so frail and weak in her final days, but that’s what happens in the underground. The best of us fight for scraps from above and the worst of us starve and fall victim to illness like my mother.
But really if you asked me, she was the best of us. No matter what anyone says. She always did her best raising me and believe me it was difficult. We would go weeks without food sometimes, starving on the streets, but she would give me everything she could, even when there was barely enough for both of us. Then one day we found the brothel and she forced herself to suffer through hordes of abusive men just to buy our necessities. Clothes and food were hard to come by, but we always managed. She made sure of it. She was my whole world. All we had was each other and that was enough.
I can still see her motionless form when I close my eyes. I see her lying face down on our bed, “Mom?” I remember inching closer to her, but she didn’t answer. I felt her pulse. But she wasn’t breathing, her heart wasn’t beating. I knew she was gone. I couldn’t help the tears that fell from my eyes, though I still tried to stop them. It’s rare to show weakness in the underground, but I wept. I lost my entire world, and I fell back against the wall staring longingly at the bed. Wishing her to breathe one more time, willing her to wake, or at the very least I prayed she’d take me with her.
I forgot how many hours passed before my tears dried up and a tall haunting man dressed in a long coat and a strange hat walked into our room with a sigh, waking me from my dazed thoughts. He spoke directly to my mother “Hey, Hey, seems like you’ve lost quite a bit of weight since the last time, Kuchel.”
“She’s dead” I respond bitterly catching his attention for the first time since he walked in. “Huh?” He huffs “And You? Are you alive?” I just glared at him. Emotionless.
“Ok, give me a break, you hear me don’tcha” he hesitates “You gotta name?”
“Levi” I whisper “just Levi”
He slides down the wall across from me still mumbling to my mother before saying “I’m Kenny. Just Kenny. I used to know Kuchel. Nice to meetcha.”
And that began our journey together.
Kenny fed me my first full meal in weeks, and I devoured it. Maybe it was wrong for me to trust a man I’d never met who was willing to take a bastard orphan from a brothel, but there was something familiar about the man. And besides, what did I have left to live for anyway? It’s either go with this strange, but kind man or eventually starve to death and die. I know I wished for death when I saw her, but I didn’t want to succumb to that same fate anymore. I know my mother wouldn’t want me to. She’d want better for me. All the extra food she gave me in her final days, food that might have kept her stronger, kept her breathing. If I were to throw my life away, everything she sacrificed for me would be for nothing. So, I stayed with Kenny and Kenny was good for me. Kept me alive. Put me through hell of course but at least I was breathing.
The first thing Kenny taught me was how to hold a knife. It was a long day of training, and my body was still weak from malnourishment, so I tired easily. He was not happy with that. We trained for hours, and I kept dropping the knife and cutting my hand. We practiced my offense and defense, on repeat till he finally got so frustrated with me he took the knife out my hand and shoved me to the ground. Towering over me he held the tip of the blade meters from my chin. My breath hitched in fear till he flipped the blade in his hand offering me the hilt.
“Do you see how easy it is to disarm you, kid. You gotta be tougher than that. I know you’re a bit of a runt but that doesn’t mean you’re weak!! NOW GET THE HELL UP AND DO IT AGAIN”
I nodded assuredly and rose, gripping the knife in my hand. I felt shaken from having the knife at my throat but also developed a new motivation to prove myself to him. It wasn’t long before I got the hang of it. A natural, he calls me. Says it’s in my blood.
Weeks passed of training me to be his protege from how to swing a knife to how to swing a deal. How to greet and interact with people. Kenny taught me the skills I needed to survive in the underground. And I am grateful for the things he’s done for me but that does not mean there are some skills that I wished I’d never learned. Some memories I wished I could forget. Gruesome nightmares that keep me up more than the loss of my mother. Things he did. Things he made me do. Things I did and wanted to do. The way it made me feel. It makes me sick to think about, but I can’t seem to forget.
After a few years of living with Kenny and being fully integrated into his gang he sent me and a group of thugs on a routine job. Simple robbery. In and out. Low security job. It was low risk, or as low risk as possible in the underground. That was until the MPs started chasing us. I don’t know how they found us, but it’s as if they knew where we were headed. I always assumed it was a rival gang that ratted us out. “Tchh” I exhaled as the thugs, and I slowed to a halt behind one of the shops trying to lose them. “Those damn MPs! We’re gonna have to camp here for a while till the heat cools down.” I glanced at all of them trying to figure out a plan to get out of this “Duran I need you to do your best to get back to the keep. Tell Kenny we need an extract asap. The rest of us are going up to the roofs. We’re splitting up, if any of you are caught, you’re dead! If you blab a word about Kenny, you’re dead! So, don’t get caught, got it? Great, You two take the rooftop over there! Understood!” I command pointing to the rooftop a couple blocks away. They grunt and run off as Duran nods to me and breaks for the keep. “You two are with me.” I climbed up the drainage pipe of the store as Bren and Ezra took the stairs outside the adjacent home then pushed off the railing to the roof I just scaled. As we settled on the roof bodies pressed to its tiles I heard a yell echo in the distance. “Everyone fan out we need to find that kid! He’s the only one who can lead us to Ackermann!”
Ackerman? What the fuck is Ackerman? I thought. Looking to the other thugs who seemed to be more invested in the direction the MPs were heading than the actual words being exchanged. Honestly, it’s a good thing, because I was too confused about what they said to focus on their next movements. I’m definitely the kid they’re talking about so what made them think I know what the hell an Ackerman is! Maybe it’s another ploy from the rival gang? Questioning it gets me nowhere. I’d be more useful planning our next moves than trying to decipher their nonsense. The MPs split up one group traveling south (the direction of the keep) one group east (the direction we just came), one group north (the direction I sent my other men) and one group west (straight down the alley we just climbed). If they turn and look up, we’ll be caught. I had the thugs race across to the next alleyway as quickly and quietly as possible, as I followed them and hid behind the chimney at the edge of the roof. Resting a few feet away from each other we all glanced to the opening of the other alleyway to see a 4-person squad of MPs, guns at the ready, running out of it. They broke out of their circular formation to scope out the inside of the shops around us. As they separated, we jumped in and took out the two who remained outside. The thugs took the closest to us, leaving me the girl across the street. She let out a shout before I reached her. My blade slicing through her neck and as her body dropped, a gunshot sounded, making me drop to the street with her before I could get blasted. I picked up her limp form and heaved it at the approaching MP before he could fire another round. Her body hit him knocking him off kilter and leaving an opportunity to slash up through his abdomen to his heart. He didn’t even gasp before he crumpled to the ground. I turned and saw the thugs had handled the police the same as I. “That shot must’ve alerted all the MPs to our location! We’re going to regroup with Lorn and Arat up the block and pinch the squad heading towards them. Go! I’ll take the rear!” They ran ahead of me, blades drawn. “Stop!!!!” The voices ahead of us yelled. “NO!!” “Tchh, Well that’s definitely Arat.” I heard the scream and squelch of what was hopefully an MP before we crossed the street to where they were fighting, and luckily, I saw I was correct. Good. Better to come back with dead MPs than dead thugs. The fight ended quickly, 5 against 3 since they dropped one before we arrived.
“I think we should try going for the keep” Lorn called to me, jogging over. “We’d have to go back the way they just came, and you know there’ll be MPs all over that area from those damn gunshots.” Arat responds and glances a look at my group “uhh no offense guys.”
“Tch” i rolled my eyes. Goddamn rifles. “You’re not wrong Arat. It’s gonna be a problem if we go directly south. We should head east first, then double back to HQ. Pick off the squads in smaller batches rather than having them close in on our location. But we should get moving now, put some distance between us and where that shot went off.” Hopefully Duran will make it to camp. We just need to buy time. We started making our way east and after running for miles we turned south hoping we’d left a big enough gap to avoid the searching MPs.
“Let’s haul up here for a minute. Take a break, get a better vantage point.” We traversed up another building and the thugs started doing a sweep of the surrounding perimeter. “No MPs in sight Levi.” “Really? That’s odd. We never ran into the east group. Guess we’ll just have to be careful on our way back. Let’s get back on the ground and get our asses back to the keep.” “So much for an easy job, right?” Arat nudges my shoulder “Tch” I scoffed as the rest of the team chuckled lightly. At least they were in good spirits. We continued running south not passing a single MP, till we finally arrived at the keep. About time. I sighed in relief as I saw the metal gates. I never thought I’d be so relieved to see the run-down old factory I’d been calling my home for the past few years. It’s where our entire gang stayed and was well secluded from the rest of the underground. Predominantly, because of the lawn stretching for acres in front of it. I admired it before because it grants us some extra peace and quiet, but after the dreadful bust of a job we’d just gone on. I wished that lawn didn’t fucking exist. I had half a mind to just pass out right here on the walkway. My adrenaline had officially crashed a mile ago, but I’d been pushing forward through the pounding headaches and drowsiness because I knew how close we were to home. Almost there.
Gunshots.
My stomach sunk and I almost collapsed from the sheer exhaustion overcoming my body. Now is not the time to be sick.
Gunshots.
Arat and Lorn ran ahead of us, stopping short when they reached the doors to the factory. I could see the tension fill their body as they walked down the steps to the bottom floor. I could barely breathe as we continued towards them. Bren, Ezra, and I took defensive positions as we also reached the stairs.
Gunshots.
No.
“ARAT!!!! LORN!!!” A scream ripped itself from my lungs as I was possessed with rage. Running down the steps with a speed my low energy level didn’t possess minutes ago. I saw two bodies lying still at the end of the hallway. No. No. No. I hate this. An image of my mother flittered across my mind before I was able to take the image captive, and it’s as if my entire body lit on fire. A shadowed figure moved through the corridors; I could sense him in my bones. I inhaled deeply and exhaled through my mouth. I felt my body settle, I’m gonna kill him.
I ran down the hallways searching for this shadowed figure. I could sense him growing closer, I was gaining on him. Until suddenly, He’s behind me. I miscalculated. A gun cocked. And all I saw was a blur. A flurry of wretched broken faces and torment as I tore the man in front of me to shreds. The other men who were hiding in the shadows planning to ambush me were resigned to the same fate. I remember slicing them apart, the sounds of my sword meeting their flesh. I remember their last breath. But worst of all. I remember feeling how drunk with power I was. I remember WANTING to rip them apart. I remember gaining my senses in a pile of carnage. Then the shock set in, and the headache came back.
That’s how they found me. Knee deep in blood, clutching my head amidst a troop of dismembered bodies. I was covered in it. My hands coated in a red that would never wash out. I heard footsteps approaching but didn’t snap out of my daze until I saw Kenny’s boots in front of me. The first feeling I felt was panic. I failed and the MPs found our home, and the family we built, was dead. We’d have to relocate because of my failure. I didn’t even know what went wrong. “I don’t-“ I started, chocking on my words “I don’t know what happened, sir, I’m sorry.” “You’re sorry? Sorry for what? Seems like the job was a bust if you ask me. Meaning our intel is the problem not you boy, got it?” My heart slowed its rapid staccato. “That’s it, deep breath kid.” I inhaled shakily and desperately squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out the devastation I caused. “Ahhh, as for this Levi” I felt his hand rest on my shoulder, “I’m proud of you,” my stomach heaved, and I pushed him off of me. I stumbled till I reached the wall and vomited all over the floor. I just stared at it for a minute. Disgusting. I’m disgusted. I looked back at him, and I finally got the outside perspective of what I’d done. Disgusting. There was blood on the floors. Blood on the walls. Blood all over me. All over.
“Clean.” I whispered. “I’m gonna go clean off.” I feel disgusting.
I stumbled. Pushing off the walls as I wandered drunkenly to the bathroom. I tripped into the stall and vomited again. I dry heaved a few more times before I flushed and dragged my feet towards the sink. I turned the water on and desperately started scrubbing at my hands. It won’t come off. It’s soo thick it feels like mud. “Get off, get off, get off,” tears were landing on my hands before I even realized I’d let them escape. I started panting and gripped the sink. I fell to my knees and sobbed. I scraped my hands raw, but it still wouldn’t come off. It’ll never come off; I’m stained by it. Always will be. I’m disgusting.
My sobs echoed through the corridors until I started screaming with agony. How could I have done this? Why? Because my gang was killed? Did they deserve to suffer like I made them? It was just their job…. Maybe the underground is the bane of society. Maybe we are the worst humanity has to offer. Maybe I am.
It wasn’t long after that when Kenny decided to move the keep. We’d been packing all morning when Kenny asked me to go into town with him. I was confused why we couldn’t wait till after we’d settled into our new place, but I didn’t question it. We walked side by side down the streets until we reached my old home, the brothel. I stopped short, because there on the street corner stood my mother's pimp. The man who had beat and starved her. Who’d yell and threaten us till my mother feared for her life. The man who let my mother’s illness ravage her body, who refused to compensate her those final months, forcing her to endure without medicine. She deserved better than that. She was the best of us.
“This is why I brought you into town today, Levi.”
“To flaunt me in front of my mother’s pimp. What the hell, Kenny?”
“No Levi.” He sighs “Vengeance. He’s responsible for your mother’s passing. Don’t you want him to feel just a shred of the agony your mother felt as she died.”
“Kenny, I-“ I hesitated, “I don’t want to kill people anymore. Not after last time.”
“Last time?” He laughed. “That was vengeance, Levi. Retribution and protection of the gang and I am grateful to you. And this Levi, this is VENGEANCE. This man killed your mother. Come on, son. It’s time to move on. Go defend her!”
My breath hitches as he spoke. Son. He’s never called me that before. Does that mean? Is he my?
“COME ON, LEVI!!! Embrace your power! Avenge your mother!”
He shouted as he pushed me towards the man “Oiii PIMP!!!” Kenny tossed me in front of him. “Ugh, get that filthy shit outta my sight. Thought you died off with your mother, you whoreson!!!” Now that did it. I leapt onto the man throwing my fist towards him. Cursing him as the crowd grew around us, I brought him to the ground with my knee and brought my knife to his throat. He whimpered like a bitch. It hurts now to think that this man was weak. Maybe all those years ago we could’ve stood up to him. Could’ve done more. I’d gotten lost in my thoughts though my physical awareness never slipped. I was still too distracted by them to notice Kenny backing away from us. The pimp was putting up a fight, but I was winning. I couldn’t kill him. I knew that. I couldn’t lose control like the last time. I heard a voice call out, “Remember Levi, sometimes the people you’re fighting deserve death.” I looked around for him but all I could see were the ends of his coattails as the crowd blocked him from me. “There are no good or bad people in this world. There are just people.” I started to get off the pimp to follow Kenny, but he started thrashing in my grip trying to fight back at me.
“WAiIIIiiT!!!!! KENNY PLEASE!!!”
I exhaled focusing on the man in front of me. I made quick work of knocking him unconscious and ran after Kenny.
“Wait!!” I tried to follow him but there’s no trace. Where’d he go? I frantically raced up and down the streets of the underground market. Until going all the way back to the edge of town. The factory was empty. All expect a box he left on the stairs. A box full of my things.
He left me.
I lived on my own for years after that, until one day I found Farlan and Isabel. I made a new world with them. They were my family, until we found ourselves in the survey corps. Like idiots. Such idiots making a stupid deal to get out of the underground. How naive I was to think we’d be safer outside the walls than beneath the floors of the capitol. But at least they saw the sky before they died. Oh, how naive I was to put their lives at risk for some foolish dream to see the stars. Stupid of me to think anyone could escape that hellhole, because the cost wasn’t worth it, losing them too. It made my head pound and my vision blur seeing Isabel’s head lying in front of me severed by a titan that I planned to butcher. Tearing it to ribbons didn’t help my pounding head. Nor did it help my heart. All it did was make me lose another part of it.
I lost another the day Annie Leonhart killed my squad.
And today, I lost another, shocking really, I didn’t know you could do that twice.
Kenny.
I never expected to see you again. And when I did, you wanted to kill me. And I wanted to kill you for all the pain you caused me. Kill you for trying to take away my new family. I couldn’t let you. I fought with myself every day because of it, but I lost you anyway. Sitting up against a tree as the sun rose, we argued. This is what the end of your life has come to, and we fought. Tchhhh I suppose it’s fitting in hindsight, always fighting.
“A-And what are you?” He gasped “Some hero?!”
“KENNY TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW! Why doesn’t the First King want humanity to survive?!” I pleaded.
“Beats me… but we… Ackermanns…opposed him for that reason” he coughed, and his blood splattered on my cheek. Ackermann huh?
“My last name seems to be Ackermann, too. You...what were you to my mother?”
“Heh, you idiot… Just her brother.”
My uncle. That’s why he took me in and trained me, it’s why he protected me those years. But there’s still one question in the back of my mind.
“That day…why? Why did you leave me?”
“Because…I’m not meant to be…someone’s father.” I gasped as he pressed the titan serum in my hand and took his last breath.
“Kenny,” I breathed.
“Kenny?”
So, I bow my head in salute to you Kenny as another part of my soul passes on with you. The little boy who wished you had stayed even if you weren’t his father. As I sit here and think of all the shit you put me through Kenny, I hate you. I hate you so much that I nearly scream from the guilt I feel over it. Guilt, because you saved me Kenny. When I was dying you made me strong and when I was breaking you gave me power, but then you left me like everything else, and I hated you. And now you’re leaving me again and this time... This time you won’t come back.
I hate you, Kenny.