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Like most people, Eddie for a long time lived with her mother and her father. Eddie’s mother, Sonia, had never heard of having mixed feelings, there were friends and there were enemies.
Friends were:
God
Church
Eddie’s aunts
And Eddie (sometimes)
Enemies were:
The devil (in his many forms)
Sex (in its many forms)
The next door neighbors (who committed the act above quite often)
And Eddie (sometimes)
Eddie had been homeschooled for most of her life, taught stories from the Bible in all their glory. Sonia figured Eddie, or any child for that matter, would learn more from the teachings of the Lord than anything a teacher in a school could teach. Eddie had wanted to go to school, asked why she wasn’t in school the only answer she got was “They’ll lead you astray.” Eddie didn’t know entirely what that meant but she knew it was a bad thing, like unnatural passions.
Then, one morning a fat brown envelope was plopped through the letter box. Sonia, who had thought it was letters of thanks from those who had attended the healing of the sick crusade in the town hall, ripped it open, then her face fell.
“What is it?” Little 7 year old Eddie asked her mom.
“It’s about you.” Sonia said.
“What about me?” Eddie asked, standing on her tippy toes to try and read the letter before Sonia snatched it up higher out of Eddie’s view.
“I have to send you to school.” Sonia said simply.
And that was that.
Eddie started school a week later. She’d woken up two hours earlier than needed and laid out her clothes, before getting dressed, then she just sat on her bed, swinging her legs and smiling to herself. Eddie enjoyed reading even before she began school, probably due to hours of Bible study everyday since she could read, she’d packed four books into her brand new school backpack, just in case. In case of what Eddie herself didn’t even know.
Her mother had taken her to school, holding Eddie’s hand in a death grip, she escorted Eddie to what would be her classroom for the next year and kneeled down in front of Eddie. “I’ll be back at 3pm to pick you up.” She stated and Eddie nodded, barely being able to contain her excitement. Sonia left. Eddie’s excitement died quite quickly after that.
She spent all of her first day of school alone, which wasn’t what she wanted, she sat alone in class, and alone at lunch. This wasn’t what Eddie wanted at all.
She felt an urge to prove herself to everyone, since she started later everyone looked at her as if she was incapable or stupid. Eddie’s teacher was the kind of woman who wanted her class to be happy, she called her students “lambs” and told Eddie not to worry if she found anything particularly difficult.
Eddie wanted to please her very badly. After the summer there had been an assignment to write a small essay about what you did over the holiday. Eddie saw this as her chance. So after summer, in class, trembling with anticipation she began her essay.
“This summer I went away with our church camp.” The teacher nodded and smiled. “It was very hot.” Eddie continued. “And my aunt got sunstroke and we thought she might die.”
The teacher began to look a bit worried but the class perked up.
“But she got better, thanks to my mother, who stayed up all night struggling mightily.” Eddie added.
“Is your mother a nurse?” The teacher asked.
“No she just heals the sick.” Eddie answered and heard a small laugh from across the classroom. Eddie continued to speak until he was cut off by the teacher.
“Is there more?” She asked.
Eddie nodded. “About two more sides of paper.”
“I don’t think we’ll have time today.” She said sympathy rushing into her voice. Eddie slumped back down into her chair.
When she got home she told her mother she didn’t want to go again. “You’ve got to go.” Sonia said. “Here have an orange.”
And that was that. Eddie continued to go. She continued to sit alone and eat alone. By the end of the week she’d made it through the first of her four books. There was an option at school to bring your own lunch or have a school lunch, Sonia refuses to allow Eddie to have a school lunch. She was glad, her mother looked out for her.
Regardless, Eddie had a good routine down by the end of the week. Until another girl sat down right across from her at Eddie’s lunch table. Eddie looked up from the pages of her book and looked at the girl sitting across from her.
“What’s in your sandwich?” The girl asked.
“Potted beef.” Eddie answered slowly.
The girl hummed almost thoughtfully. “What else you got?”
“An orange.” Eddie said. The girl scrunched her face up in disgust.
“Anything else?” The girl asked, brushing hair out of her face, Eddie shook her head. The girl put her hands into her own lunchbox and pulled out a small chocolate bar, the kind they gave out on Halloween (not that Eddie had ever been allowed to celebrate that demonic holiday).
The girl sighed. “I guess I’ll trade you for the orange.” She said and Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Trade me?” She almost squeaked. The girl nodded.
“But I want my lunch.” Eddie said, putting her arms around the lunchbox protectively. The girl shrugged. “You’d prefer an orange over a chocolate bar?” She questioned. Eddie thought for a second. She really didn’t want the orange. Eddie reached out and took the chocolate bar from her hands and handed the orange over in response.
The girl, still nameless to Eddie, took the orange and began to peel it. “Why are you sitting with me?” Eddie asked. The girl shrugged again. “You looked lonely.” She answered after a second. “I’m Richie.” She said.
“Eddie.” Eddie answered.
When Eddie went home that day, she was greeted at the door by her mother who immediately put her hands over Eddie’s ears. At that moment a burst of wailing came from next door. “They’re fornicating.” Sonia said.
“Get off!” Eddie yelled, trying to remove Sonia’s hands from her ears. Sonia kept her position for a few more minutes before removing her hands.
“They’ve stopped.” Eddie said brightly. “For now.” Sonia added. “Let’s sing a hymn.” Sonia said simply.
For the next few weeks Eddie had a repeated dream. It was spring in the dream, the ground still had traces of snow and Eddie was about to be married. Her dress was pure white and she had a golden crown on. And as she walked up the aisle the crown became heavier and heavier and the dress more and more difficult to walk in. Once she made it to the altar, the priest would tell her to remove her veil and kiss her husband. There were a number of possibilities of who the husband would be. Sometimes he was just a blur, sometimes he was a man with a pigs head, sometimes Eddie’s own mother, sometimes the man from the post office and sometimes just a suit with no man inside it.
The dream had inspired Eddie to talk to her mother.
“Why did you marry dad?” She had asked.
“Don’t be silly.” Her mother said.
“I’m not being silly.”
“We had to have something for you and besides he’s a good man though i know he’s not one to push himself. But don’t you worry, you’re dedicated to the Lord, I put you down for missionary school as soon as we got you. Remember Jane Eyre and St John rivers?” Sonia said.
Eddie did remember. But what Sonia didn’t know was that Eddie knew she had rewritten the ending. Jane Eyre was Sonia’s favorite non-Bible book and she would read it to Eddie over and over again. Once Eddie was older, 13 or so, she had re-read it, as a sort of nostalgic pilgrimage and she found that Jane doesn’t marry St John. That she instead goes back to Mr Rochester. It was like the day Eddie had discovered adoption papers while looking for a pack of playing cards. She has never since played cards or read Jane Eyre.
As Eddie grew, she began spending more time with Richie (on a positive note.) By fourteen, almost fifteen, Richie had even gone as far to start going to church with Eddie. Eddie also went to Richie’s house most days after school and they looked at the Bible together. On Sundays Richie would sit in the pew with Eddie and her mother and they’d listen to the pastor talk. Often when sitting next to Richie, Eddie would feel this tremor shake through her, she’d then glance over at Richie. “Must be the spirit.” She’d think and then squeeze Richie’s hand. Yes definitely the spirit.
A few weeks after Eddie’s eighteenth birthday, Sonia had bundled Eddie into the kitchen and sat her down at the table, handed her an orange and began to talk. “There’s a boy at church I think you’re keen on.” Eddie felt her mouth run dry. She meant Graham, a new convert who’d moved over to their town.
“Just remember.” Sonia said. “What you think may be the heart could actually be another organ.”
She then got up and told Eddie to go find something to do. So Eddie decided she’d go see Richie. “Don’t let anyone touch you down there.” Sonia said sternly.
“No mother.” Eddie said meekly and left.
Eddie made her way over to Richie’s house, she had to cut through a graveyard to get there and always picked some flowers to bring to Richie’s. The taller girl always appreciated it. Eddie never told her where they came from.
Eddie liked Richie’s parents, she liked them a lot. Richie’s mother, Maggie, was beautiful, smart and funny. And a good cook. So different from Eddie’s mother. She felt safe around Richie’s mom, loved, appreciated. Such a foreign feeling to her.
That night Richie asked her if she wanted to stay over and after much trouble Eddie finally got an agreement from her mother. Maggie had offered to call for Eddie but Eddie knew that would cause much more trouble. Far more than necessary. She unfortunately knew her mother like the back of her hand.
That night they read the Bible together as per usual and Eddie couldn’t help but think about how glad she was that the Lord had brought Richie to her. After dinner, it was time for bed, Richie allowed Eddie to borrow some clothes and the pair giggled at how they were much bigger on Eddie. They climbed into bed together, legs entangled under the covers of Richie’s small bed, too small to fit both of them if they were entirely honest. But Eddie didn’t mind, in fact she far from minded, she wanted to be as close to Richie as possible. She wondered if that’s what her mother was talking about when she would lecture Eddie about the dangers of unnatural passions.
Eddie didn’t feel anything unnatural when she was with Richie. She didn’t think anything was unnatural about the way she felt about Richie. It felt like second nature to her, to want to be close to this girl.
It wasn’t long after that Eddie realized she was crying, and Richie also noticed, concerned, painted over her face. Eddie shook her head.
“I’m ok.” She assured. But now Richie shook her head. “Are you homesick?” Richie asked. “I’m sure my mom can take you home.”
Eddie shook her head firmly. “I’m grateful to be near you.” She said.
“Well gee Ed’s you know how to make a girl feel good about herself.” Richie said with a laugh. A laugh that sounded forced.
“I’m serious.” Eddie said. “I want to be near you all the time.” Richie gulped. The two girls had gotten closer to each other, dangerously close.
Richie closes the gap first, it's soft and barely even noticeable. Neither of their lips move. Neither of them really know how to move their lips. More tears fall down Eddie’s face. She was frightened, but she couldn’t stop. As if there was something crawling in her stomach. Richie pulls back first.
“Do you think this is unnatural passion?” Eddie asked.
“Doesn’t feel like it.” Richie said. “According to the pastor, unnatural passion is awful. This doesn’t feel awful.” Eddie nods.
She must be right.
Knowing Richie was a much happier thing. Eddie didn’t know why it made her feel so uncomfortable.
What is it about intimacy that makes it so very disturbing ?