Chapter Text
“You’re not my brother. You’re a monster.”
“You fucked it up Porsche! You fucked up everything. I chose to believe in you, against my father’s reluctance, and you fucked it up for me. I should have never trusted you.”
The words ran inside Porsche’s mind in a haunting loop, as he sat at the table, blankly staring at the food in front of him as his family chatted and chirped around with each other in the background, going on about how good their day was.
Tankhun had an amazing day because the lead actors in the kdrama he had been watching had finally reunited with each other.
”I’m so happy Kinn, Hae-in finally remembered everything about Hyunwoo and finally sent that bastard cheater to prison.”
Good. Atleast someone had their happy ending.
“It was so cute Kinn, Hyun woo loved Hae-in so much, he kept showering her with hugs and kisses, keeping her close to him and doing everything to make her happy.”
Porsche’s heart ached. His eyes burned with tears. He wished that was him.
It was a feeling he was too familiar with these days.
His life had changed in a sudden instant, and he didn’t even have any time to adjust. Even until now, six months later, he still hadn’t been able to adjust to this new role as the minor family head. It was like a switch had been flipped. He wasn’t happy anymore.
He was doing things he had never wanted, things that made him unable to face himself in the mirror, that gave him days of sleepless nights and dizzy spells, that made him nauseous and unable to eat for days.
He hadn’t eaten properly for three days, and still, the freshly prepared hot food in front of him, made his stomach roll with nausea.
He couldn’t eat, not with the words punching through his guts.
Porsche looked at his little brother, who sat far away from him on the table, happily gulping down the food as he conversed with Kim about something interesting, something he would have loved to hear about as his older brother.
“Just stay away from me. I don’t want to talk to you. I never wanna see your face again.”
Looked like him and Kim had patched up again. It made his heart clench in anguish. It wasn’t fair.
“You started worked here because of P’Kinn, because you wanted to go ahead and date a mafia boss, as if our lives weren’t already messed up.”
“That’s not fair, you dated Kim too.” Porsche remembered he had shouted back at Chay. Maybe he shouldn’t have shouted.
“Yes and he broke my fucking heart. He used me, and that too because of you! You are the reason that I’m like this. I hate you, I hate what you’ve become, and I hate that I have to stay here and be a part of these horrible things you’re doing.”
Porsche’s eyes sparkled with unshed tears as he felt his throat choke up with pounding emotions. His heart lit up with more agony as Chay’s eyes wrinkled when he beamed a beautiful smile at Kim.
Porsche instantly looked away, and back at the full plate of food in front of him, blinking rapidly before the tears rolled down his cheek.
Oh how much he yearned to be a big brother to Chay again, to be the receiver of that beautiful smile again.
“You’re not my brother. You’re a monster.”
Porsche held back a sob. Nobody noticed. He had rather gotten quite good at becoming invisible these days.
It didn’t mean people didn’t notice. He just wasn’t around that much to notice, he was always alone, in the minor family house, dealing with his own dark thoughts.
Tankhun called him everyday, dropping him texts to make sure he was fine. Arm and Pol would exchange worried glances with each other everytime they saw his ashy skin and dull eyes. And Pete, Porsche was pretty sure the bodyguard hated him. He had become his head bodyguard, the only familiar face in the minor family house, but he had stopped talking to him too much.
Porsche could feel it, they weren’t really friends anymore, because he had taken Vegas’ rightful place. Pete knew it wasn’t really Porsche’s fault, but it still hurt to see him where his boyfriend should have been. But even he, was worried.
People noticed, but not the people who could actually help. He’d give them all a fake smile for all that’s worth, but Kinn and Porchay, they were too busy wrapped up in their own problems to notice.
Porsche was hurt, alone and scared.
His eyes shifted over to secretly watch Kinn, who patiently and calmly listened to his older brother’s dramatic rant.
Porsche’s eyes watered in an instant, heart twisting in the confines of his chest.
He was fracturing.
He felt lonely, in a room full of people, in his brother’s presence, in his boyfriend’s presence. He didn’t think he could last long like this.
Kinn was in a similar predicament with him, just like Porchay. He still remembered the first time he had raised his voice at him, immediately after his father, Korn had also screamed at him for about an hour, three days ago. Kinn had been upset at him, so disappointed in him. It broke him.
“Porsche what the fuck did you do?” Porsche had expected a lot of things from Kinn after he had refused so sign the deal with a renowned business owner, Simon Tresty, but he had never expected his boyfriend to shout at him like that.
“You do realize that saying yes to that construction would mean taking thousands of innocent lives right?” Porsche remembered he had shouted back at Kinn as well, maybe he shouldn’t have, maybe then his words would have made more sense to Kinn.
“Do you really think that that man would compensate them enough for relocation? You know it Kinn, those people are natives, they won’t leave their ancestral grounds and considering Simon’s history, he would have murdere-”
“We would have figured something out. How can you act so recklessly?”
Maybe in some other universe, maybe in some alternate timeline, Kinn would have wrapped him in a warm hug and rubbed his back, sensing his fear and loneliness, noticing his ailing body and empty eyes, and keeping him close to him, holding him in his arms and assuring him that they were going to figure things out together, as a couple.
But in this timeline, he shouted back, louder and angrier this time. Porsche remembered clearly, seeing loveless eyes for the first time.
Maybe in another timeline, Kinn still loved him, he still did, that’s what he said, but Porsche found it hard to believe now.
He just wanted to be held. He just wanted to be loved and understood. Porsche looked at Kinn’s serene eyes as he conversed with his older brother.
Why couldn’t he understand him anymore?
“You fucked it up Porsche! You fucked up everything. I chose to believe in you, against my father’s reluctance, and you fucked it up for me. I should have never trusted you.”
The words had been like a punch to his stomach, knocking all the wind out of his lungs. Kinn didn’t trust him anymore, he regretted believing in him, he regretted falling in love with him.
Kinn didn’t love him, but Porsche couldn’t help it, he loved him regardless. He couldn’t go on like this anymore, it was physically breaking him apart in the most painful way possible.
“My father wanted me to go seal that deal, but I sent you for a reason Porsche! So that you could prove yourself to father and everyone else who had been doubting you. Do you even realize what you’ve done? How big of a loss this is for us?”
Porsche’s hand subtly travelled over to his arm, snaking under his sleeve to pick at the carefully hidden, poorly stitched and sluggishly bleeding long gashes over the tan skin of his forearm, watching his boyfriend with a pounding yearning thundering against the walls of his breaking heart.
The worst part of it all, was that it had happened on their couple anniversary. Kinn didn’t even remembered, and had shoved past his frame, leaving him standing alone in the room, clutching the small gift box in his hand.
He was alone, so alone, even admist people who were supposed to be his family.
He had risked everything, his own childhood, his own sanity, his own safety, just so Chay could get a fulfilling life. He had given up everything, and accepted the life that horrified him to the core just because of his love for Kinn.
He had done everything, he had tried his best, he wasn’t good enough, he wasn’t loved.
His heart hurt.
He couldn’t take it anymore.
His eyes came back to rest over the untouched food still sitting in front of him. Everyone else was almost done, except him. Nobody noticed, he was invisible.
Porsche stared at the glass of wine sitting next to the place full of food. He carefully surveyed the drink with his sharp eyes.
He was exhausted, starved, dehydrated, lonely and sick, but he wasn’t a fool.
The color of wine was darker in his glass as compared to the others. It was fizzy, small tiny bubbles still foaming up at the top, and tiny particles of white were sitting over one edge of the rim. It was clear, his drink was spiked.
Whoever was trying to kill him, wasn’t really good at his job.
But Porsche was tired.
The tears blinded his vision again, and this time, he didn’t care if somebody saw them. No one was going to notice anyway. He curled his fingers around the glass, slowly bringing it up to his lips.
This was an opportunity. Even if he was somehow rescued, nobody was going to know that he had known, that he had been weak enough to give up on life.
Porsche didn’t care when the tears finally rolled down his cheeks, he didn’t care when he heard someone calling out his name out of concern. He let his eyes slip shut as he gulped the wine down his throat in a single go, as if he was scared somebody would snatch it away from him and take this one opportunity of relief from him.
He hoped he wouldn’t be rescued.
Porsche set the glass down on the table, only when it was completely empty. Strangely enough, and to his heart’s dismay, he felt perfectly fine. Only then did he notice, the world around him had quietened down.
“Porsche?” It was Kinn’s voice, so soft and full of concern, making him turn his head to look up at his boyfriend to find him staring at him with wide open eyes, face pale out of anxiety.
”Are you okay?” Kinn’s lips moved but Porsche’s vision was already blurring with tears as his idiot and desperate heart still longed to be loved right by the people he cared about.
“Porsche?” Kinn said again, but Porsche kept staring at him in silence. His eyes were wet, head pounding with a dizzying throb and nose wet.
His hands moved on his own accord, shaking fingers touching the underside of his nose before bringing them back to his eyes.
Blood.
It felt strangely peaceful and welcoming.
His lashes fluttered as he stared back up at Kinn again. Nothing happened for a moment. Porsche’s eyes slowly slipped shut, as if his lids were made of steel as a tear slipped down his cheek.
And then everything happened all at once.
His body was falling from the chair, to his side, almost crashing into the cold and hard floor of it wasn’t for a severely panicked Kinn who had ran out of his seat, knocking his chair in progress as he let his knees buckle forward to meet the floor beneath him with a painful crunch, not caring as he wrapped his arms around Porsche’s limp body, holding him close to his own body in his lap.
”Porsche, baby, stay with me.” Kinn screamed out, patting his lover’s cheek with his hand as he urged him to stay awake.
Porsche’s eyes opened halfway, vision blur try but not with tears this time as he looked up at Kinn’s hazy face, barely able to make out the tears that were rolling down his boyfriend’s cheeks. His own face was damp with tears, and a viscous liquid that was flowing down and out of his nose. He could taste the metallic copper in his own mouth.
”Please, stay with me, stay with me, stay with me.” Kinn begged Porsche, his voice cracking and breaking heart wrenchingly, telling him to stay, to choose him, to choose life and Porsche wondered, in that quick moment, whether his life would have turned out much more peaceful and happier, if he had just been selfish and chosen himself that day in the forest, if he had just ran away and opened a small bar on a beachside, living his life happily with his little brother.
Kinn was crying, he was breaking down and sobbing and it made Porsche’s heart hurt more and more, even when the poison was slowly numbing every sensation in his body.
Porsche decided, he was going to choose himself this time.
He let his eyes slip shut, not caring as Kinn’s scream shattered the would around him.
Distantly, he wished he never woke up in this timeline again. The least that could happen, was for him to wake up in a different world.
A world where he was still loved and understood.