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It was four years after they met that Juri first tried to make a move on Jan. They were alone, watching a string of YouTube videos together, and Juri did the most cliché maneuver he could think of. He yawned and stretched his arms all the way back before settling down with an arm around Jan's shoulders. Jan stiffened immediately. Juri's heart stuttered to a halt, a sensation he would experience day after day for years to come.
"Juri, I- we're never going to be together," Jan said, shaking his head.
Juri let his breath out slowly and nodded.
Jan looked up at him sadly, then picked himself from Juri's arm and walked out of the room. Juri watched him leave, watched Jan's familiar form slip away. Not really away, though, because they would remain friends for years more and eventually live in an apartment together, but away in emotion, away in love.
ØØØ
Over the years, the other members of Panik would notice how close Juri and Jan had become, and would poke fun at them for it.
Juri never let the ribbing from his band mates get to him. The guys' jokes and side glances meant nothing to him because he knew the truth: that Jan was never going to let anything happen between them. But Jan let Juri touch him and hug him when the little DJ was in the right mood and, more than once, let himself fall asleep against Juri's shoulder in the middle of a movie or a long car ride. Juri took the occasional touches as a gift from Jan, a concession to Juri's adoration. It kept tensions down between them in a way better left unexplained to everyone else.
Juri had been scared for years that he would somehow reveal his crush on Jan to the rest of the band, especially Linke. Juri was always worried that if he told Linke, who he was closest to in the band, that he was bisexual the bassist would be insulted that Juri wanted Jan and not him, creating an unbearable tension in their friendship. So he didn't tell Linke or anyone else.
Linke figured it out on his own, observant as he was, but surprisingly did not give Juri trouble about it. Well, not often enough for Juri to care. Linke accepted Juri for his sexuality and eventually revealed himself as bisexual to Juri, which led to more than a few hookups between the two of them. Still, Juri wanted Jan above anyone else and he was never completely happy with any of the relationships he was in because the moment he thought he was falling hard for someone, he would imagine Jan and no matter who it was, she or he was never as good as his littlest friend.
ØØØ
The fact that Jan's smoking did not annoy him, even turned Juri on somewhat when a wisp of smoke clung to his clothes and his hair, the scent so obviously belonging to Jan and only Jan, made him realize just how far gone he was over the DJ. Juri could care less that some of the others did not approve of smoking or that David called it a nasty, stupid habit because it was simply one of those things that made Jan who he was just as David's perpetually messy hair or Linke's ridiculous smirk or Franky's complete inability to shave on a regular basis made them who they were. It was something Jan did and Juri was so enamored with him that each annoying habit only made everything else he did more alluring.
Juri would comfort Jan after every breakup and breakdown, often blurring the line of caring roommate with boyfriend and lover in his mind. Jan crying on his shoulder after his girlfriend of two years left him had Juri wanting to cuddle Jan and soothe him with soft kisses and a love Jan would never allow. It hurt but Juri accepted the pain as a bitter pill to be able to live in the same apartment as Jan, to be so close that he could walk into the next room over and talk to Jan at anytime.
Always clear as crystal in Juri's mind were the heart-stopping instances when he straddled the delicate fence that stood between companion and consort, and stepped too close to the wrong side.
His most memorable mistake had started completely innocent, Jan trying to shock him with his cold hands. Jan's icy fingers on his neck made Juri sit up fast and turn back, grabbing the shorter man and pulling him down into his lap, making Jan squeal delightfully. Jan giggled madly as Juri tickled him, his blue eyes sparkling happily. Juri, not thinking, pulled Jan against his chest, wrapping him securely in his arms so Jan wouldn't fall and cradling the back of Jan's head. Jan froze, frowning, and pulled away.
"Sorry," Juri said, rubbing his forehead. "I-"
"It's okay," Jan said. "Just don't do it again."
Juri's throat tightened but he nodded anyway.
ØØØ
Juri didn't know the events that led up to it but late one evening Jan settled onto the couch next to him and ran a small hand along Juri's arm sensually. Jan leaned in close, balling Juri's sweater in his hand. Juri stared at Jan's parted lips so close to his own, not believing the wondrous sight before him.
"Juri, please, I need someone tonight. I need to be with someone," Jan pleaded, his sapphire eyes shining up at Juri.
He kissed Juri, a hard, needy kiss. It took all of Juri's self-control to pull away. He traced a thumb along Jan's jaw and looked at his little love sadly.
"I'm not going to let you do something you'll regret," he said, his voice cracking.
"Please, it's been so long since I've been with anybody-"
"No, baby," Juri said as a tear trickled down his cheek. "I love you too much to let you do this."
It was Juri who walked away that night.
ØØØ
At a party one night they kissed, Juri and Linke. It was an easy embrace: deep soft kisses between two people, kisses with no strings attached. They wanted to be together for a few hours and leave with no obligations. Linke was alone that night and Juri was alone as well, and neither saw a single problem with it.
Jan, though, did.
"Why are you so angry with me?" Juri asked as he shut the front door to their apartment behind him.
He turned the lock just as he always did, and then moved to face Jan.
"Because you're mine!" Jan blurted out.
Juri laid his keys on the counter.
"I'm yours but you don't want to be with me."
Jan nodded, biting his bottom lip.
"That makes no sense, Jan."
"You think I understand it?" Jan said, his voice steeped in pain. "You're supposed to love me, Juri, and only me."
"That's not fair and you know it," Juri said firmly, though not unkindly. He could never be harsh with Jan, could never even stay angry at his tiny love.
Jan sat on a bar stool, the tips of his feet barely touching the lower rung. Juri leaned against the counter not three feet away. Jan looked at him with the saddest expression Juri had ever seen on his friend's face.
"I wish I could love you, Juri, I really wish I could. I spend every day trying to find some spark, something, anything, that will make me want you the way you want me. I hate myself because I can't love you. I try and try and try and nothing happens. You're so good to me, Juri. You act more like a husband than a friend and you do so much for me and I can't-" Jan said, the corners of his mouth pulled tightly down in agony. "I'm so sorry, Juri. You deserve so much better than to have to live with me. I'm such a prick for making you suffer like this."
Juri stepped forward, closing the distance between them, and gathered little Jan to him. Jan sniffled and leaned into his taller friend, burying his head in Juri's chest.
"Shh, Jan, don't say that. I don't need you to love me to be happy. Every day I get to spend around you is enough. The fact that you let me into your life at all is enough. I don't need your love. I am happy."
"I'm sorry," Jan whispered as he clutched Juri's waist, his salty tears wetting Juri's shirt.
"It's okay," Juri said, stroking Jan's blonde hair. "It's not your fault."