Chapter Text
He wakes up, ignoring the foul stench that surrounds him. By now, he's become accustomed to it. Kyungsoo never thinks much of insignificant things, such as smell anyway. He shuffles over to the bathroom, led by the little path he's created but as soon as he's reached the door and tries to push it inwards, it won't budge. Kyungsoo remembers he recently put the television in the bathroom and that it must be blocking the door. It had been occupying too much space in the living room, a place he'd needed to put the dirty dishes he hadn't washed in months. Now because of that foolish move, there was no way to use the toilet.
Kyungsoo sighs and turns around, and decides to just relieve himself outside. He moves through the piles of clutter trying not to step on anything. He feels caged in, not being able to move around in his own house. When he finally reaches the front door, he wrenches it open and steps outside. Kyungsoo breathes in the morning air.
It's warm. Kyungsoo loves warm weather, but he doesn't really spend too much time outside the house to enjoy it. He's usually busy working on his laptop as an editor for a publishing company. All he does day and night is read and fix minor grammatical errors. For a long term occupation, there's not much that he can do besides this, considering the fact he doesn't like people. Kyungsoo tries to avoid any type of interaction at all. He's lucky the company allows him to work at home with minimal interaction. Kyungsoo is content with being antisocial. There are even some days he feels uncomfortable to talk to Luhan as well, which Luhan doesn't understand as always.
Kyungsoo walks around the house to his backyard. He now has a desperate need to relieve himself but once he reaches the backyard, he groans in frustration. The backyard is filled with his things, just as it is inside his house. He is faced with the truth that he'd been trying to avoid.
He needs to throw a few things out.
But he can't. Kyungsoo won't do that. He'll continue to live like trash, in the company of all the trash he can't bring himself to throw out.
Kyungsoo knows he doesn't necessarily need more than half the items he keeps, but he keeps them anyway. He tells himself they're all important to him. Everything from the antique vase an old friend from high school, Park Chanyeol, had sent him for his birthday a few years back, to the dirty tissue stained with tomato sauce he used to wipe his mouth after dinner just last night. Everything has a significance, a special memory that he needs to treasure. If he throws it away, then he just knows he'll ask himself, was that special to him at all? Why would he throw away his memories, his happiness, these pieces of his life?
Kyungsoo then realizes there is a stream of warm liquid running down his thigh. He curses and tries to stand in the most unoccupied corner of his backyard. Even after he's done, he just remains standing. He has nothing else to do but wait for the stench to settle in and his pants to dry. He has no means to clean himself, nor does he have a fresh pair of clothes to wear. Yet even if he did, he's not sure if he'll be able to even find them in the endless assortment of things he owns.
Not for the first time in his life, Kyungsoo feels pitiful. He's felt pitiful in high school when he was rejected by Wu Yifan, who at the time, was an attractive Chinese exchange student. He's felt pitiful when Zhang Yixing, president of Seoul University's dance team claimed he wasn't skilled enough to join. He's felt pitiful when his cousin, his best friend in the entire world, Byun Baekhyun decided to leave him behind in the world of the living.
He hears a sudden rustle and a set of footsteps and then the hollow sound of a hand knocking on a door. Kyungsoo knows that it's probably Luhan coming to do his weekly check on him but today Kyungsoo doesn't want to listen to another lecture about how he needs to throw out all his stuff. However knowing Luhan, Kyungsoo will have to endure because Luhan never takes no for an answer.
Not bothering to go into the house to get to the front door, he walks around the side of his house and walks across the front yard to someone who is not Luhan. Kyungsoo examines his tanned skin and dark hair. His jawline angular but not too sharp. He has a muscular build and a he's wearing a casual ensemble of jeans and a t-shirt. He looks at Kyungsoo and smiles.
"Hi, my name's Jongin. Would you like me to help you throw all this stuff out?" he says.
Kyungsoo is confused. He's never met this man named Jongin. His neighbors don't interact with him, but Kyungsoo knows his neighbors. Jongin is not a neighbor. Kyungsoo decides not to interact with Jongin more than he has to. Jongin does not make him feel comfortable, especially when he talks of disposing his belongings.
"Please get off my property now," Kyungsoo manages to say. It doesn't come out very assertive but thankfully Jongin isn't the type to keep insisting.
Jongin's smile fades and he walks back the the sidewalk in front of Kyungsoo's home. Kyungsoo notices the bicycle that Jongin picks up is filled up with rolled up newspapers. Jongin takes one and hands it to Kyungsoo.
"If you ever need my help, I stop by every morning. 7AM sharp," Jongin says looking at his watch and then holding it up for Kyungsoo to see. Sure enough, it is seven in the morning.
Kyungsoo watches as Jongin straddles the bicycle seat and then rides off. He walks back into his house after a few minutes, he finds a spot to settle down and read the newspaper.
The next day, Kyungsoo reads through another novel utterly frustrated by the plot. Nothing about this book makes any sense. He doesn't know why the publishing company approved the book for print. Unfortunately, it's not Kyungsoo's place to judge the book; his job is just to revise it. He sighs and looks up into the sky. The sun is just about to come up. Kyungsoo finds that he likes watching the sun rise.
He's in the front yard today, because in order to use the bathroom he had to place the television in front of the path leading to his bed. Kyungsoo slept on the lawn, and when he woke up early in the morning, he decided to get some work done..
He continues staring at the sky, which is now a bright shade a yellowish orange. Kyungsoo thinks it's beautiful. It's a lighter and happier color that he wishes he could touch. He then realizes he doesn't really want to touch the bright colors in the sky. Kyungsoo just wants the impossible; to be happy again.
Soon, it gets too bright to be looking up in the sky so Kyungsoo closes his eyes and lets the light shine on his face. Kyungsoo likes the fact that since summer is coming, the sun rises earlier. He wants the sun to shine down on him forever.
His moment of peace is ruined by the slap of something hitting his face. Kyungsoo sits up almost immediately, flustered and holds the object up to his face. It's a newspaper. His eyes find the paperboy, Jongin who's sitting on his bicycle laughing at him. Jongin gets off and walks toward him, with a smirk planted on his face.
"Why are you up so early, neighbor?" he asks, sitting down next to Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo is uncomfortable with Jongin's sudden interest in his life, especially since they are strangers. He doesn't want to give Jongin any answers but he has a feeling if he doesn't say something, Jongin won't leave him alone.
"I slept out here last night," Kyungsoo answers.
Jongin blinks at him, "You don't have a bed in that house?"
"There's a forty two inch flat screen on it," he replies.
"Why don't you put that in your living room?" Jongin asks.
"Why do you ask about things that aren't your business?" Kyungsoo shoots back.
Jongin lets out a chuckle, "I suppose your question's fair."
Kyungsoo doesn't answer him back. He wants Jongin to leave. Everything about Jongin is alluring; from his smile, to the tilt of his head when he's looking up at the sky, to the way he gives Kyungsoo warm smiles and asks him questions like he's genuinely interested about Kyungsoo's life. Kyungsoo doesn't want Jongin around because he does want him around.
"I live at the end of the street. A hyung from the same university I go to owns the house, and there are four other roommates living there too. Just in case you want to find me," Jongin says getting up, "and if I'm not there when you show up, ask for Junmyeon. He's the guy that owns the house."
Kyungsoo doesn't know why Jongin would think that Kyungsoo would ever come looking for him. He's done nothing to indicate that he has any interest in Jongin at all. He watches as Jongin gets back on his bike and rides away.
This is the second time he's seen Jongin go, but it's the first time he wants him to stay.
It's been three days since Kyungsoo last saw Jongin. Kyungsoo has avoided going outside or even answering the door when Jongin had knocked on it every morning since then. It takes these three days for Kyungsoo to realize he's afraid of Jongin because Jongin makes him feel happy, and that makes Kyungsoo guilty. What right does he have to be happy when Baekhyun can't even feel anymore?
Because Baekhyun doesn't exist anymore.
Kyungsoo falls onto his bed and looks around him. It's because of Baekhyun's he's like this. It's because of Baekhyun he feels like he has to surrounded himself with all this unnecessary garbage. It's because Kyungsoo hasn't let go of his grief. But that's what Kyungsoo tells himself, even thought deep down he knows it's not Baekhyun's fault at all. It's his own.
Kyungsoo, not for the first time, wishes that he had died instead. It's not that he had anything to do with Baekhyun's death. Baekhyun had been in some exotic country at the time, traveling and enjoying life, when his life had ended. But that's why Kyungsoo wants to switch places. Baekhyun wouldn't have been this pitiful.
If Kyungsoo had died, Baekhyun would have grieved, but after the appropriate time, he would have gone on living. Baekhyun would have been making new friends, traveling around the world, learning new things, falling in love. Baekhyun would have made enough merriment for himself and Kyungsoo combined. Baekhyun had had so much to offer the world. Kyungsoo was rotting away, wasting space.
He glances over at the nightstand. There was no lamp, but instead various photos of him and Baekhyun together. In one photo, Baekhyun has his arm around Kyungsoo's fragile looking shoulders, winking at the camera. In another, Baekhyun is forcing a hat onto Kyungsoo, both of them are bundled up in warm fur coats to protect themselves from the cold weather. He can remember the moments in the photos as if these events had just recently occurred.
Kyungsoo misses Baekhyun. He wants to roll up in a ball and cry, but the tears won't come out. He's already cried too much over Baekhyun. Instead, he just lays there for hours, pitying himself because that's all he can do these days.
A loud bang, startles him. Kyungsoo shoots up and grabs a long steel pipe next to his bed. It's covered in a greenish slime but Kyungsoo doesn't care as long as it helps him fend off an intruder.
"Fuck this! I can't fucking move. Kyungsoo get your ass out here," Luhan's voice curses.
Kyungsoo relaxes. He puts the pipe back where he got it from and maneuvers through the house, using the clear paths he's made, but not before rinsing his hands in the bathroom. It's a struggle, but Kyungsoo is very accustomed to living this way. He finds Luhan stuck somewhere between the kitchen and a small annex near the side of the house.
"Kyungsoo, there you are! Is it just me, or does it smell even worse?" Luhan says.
Kyungsoo shrugs, "I don't notice any smell."
"Bullshit. I don't care if you live here, I know you've noticed the smell," Luhan replies.
Kyungsoo doesn't answer because he knows what's coming. Every week when Luhan shows up, Kyungsoo receives the same lecture. Kyungsoo knows he should clean the house, and get rid of everything; he doesn't need Luhan to tell him that. He just doesn't want to hear it. Kyungsoo would rather be left alone.
"Kyungsoo, you have to let go," Luhan starts.
Every speech starts with the same exact words. Kyungsoo is an adult. He doesn't appreciate being told what he has to do. Not even by Luhan. Kyungsoo has listened to this same speech too many times, and at this point he doesn't even know why Luhan keeps trying.
"Can you leave? I don't want your help, Luhan," Kyungsoo asks, because he's had enough. He doesn't want Luhan to keep tabs on him. He doesn't want to be pitied by anyone other than himself. Kyungsoo can't emphasize enough how much he wants to be left alone.
Luhan looks at him, his face unmoving. Kyungsoo has never talked back to Luhan before.
"Do you want to keep living like this?" Luhan asks, after a long moment of silence.
Kyungsoo is honest when he says, "No."
"Then do something about it," Luhan answers back.
Luhan almost angrily shoves his way back to the front door. He pushes Kyungsoo's things around. The neatly stacked piles that Kyungsoo had made are now scattered on the floor. Luhan kicks a few boxes that had been filled with Kyungsoo's extensive music collection. The discs shatter almost immediately. Kyungsoo is frozen in place because he's never seen Luhan this angry. Luhan stops by the door to have his last word.
"Baekhyun wasn't just your cousin. He was my step-brother too. I've tried Kyungsoo, but if you don't want to help yourself then I can't do anything. And quite honestly, Baekhyun would be ashamed of you right now," Luhan says.
Luhan leaves but his words continue ringing in Kyungsoo's ears.
Baekhyun would be ashamed of you right now.
The tears prickle Kyungsoo's eyes before he can stop them from falling.