Chapter Text
His name is Alex. He's just barely 6' tall. He's got blonde hair, freckles, and green eyes. She met him in a biology tutoring session when she was the shining ray of hope in a bleak world of failing grades in intro classes. At the time, those striking irises were magnified by lab goggles. He does not like it when you ask him for details about the year he spent abroad in China. You ask him anyway.
It takes you two weeks to decide that he's a douchebag.
With the way he calls her babe as if he renamed her, and the way he texts her at one AM, and the way he drinks more than she does, and the way he doesn't like to hold her hand for too long because her hands get clammy. And the way his hugs are loose but territorial. She's happy with him though (or at least she thinks she is) from what you can see. And that should be well enough for the next few days or so--that's when you do start to prod and ask her more questions concerning her particular choice of relationship.
(Jane calls it sweet. Jake calls it bitching. They're both wrong.)
Roxy Lalonde is in a relationship.
Again.
golgothasTerror [GT] opened memo on board LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN!!!!
timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] responded to memo.
GT: I think you all will be pleased to hear that my suit has officially been dry cleaned to perfection!
GT: Just ten more days until this old dusty rag gets put to use *ON THE RED CARPET*!
GT: *Ten* days!!!
GT: ***TEN DAYS***!!!!
GT: I dont think i can contain my excitement for much longer.
TT: This is containing? GG: I'm surprised to hear you even own a suit.
GT: Well its not mine per say.
GG: Per se.
GT: Its my late grandfathers. My grandmas letting me borrow it for the occasion.
TT: It's fantastic.
TT: There are ruffles.
GG: Oh dear.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to memo.
TG: whew sorry everybody for holdin up the partay
TG: whatre we countin down to
GT: What do you mean what are we counting down to?!?!?!
GT: Tell me youre kidding lalonde. You couldnt have consumed so much liquor to have forgotten that the new strider film is coming out in TEN DAYS!!!
GT: The good strider i mean.
TT: Thanks, bro.
TG: oh yea whoops forgot about that
TG: sorry jakey im gonna be sick that day or somethin
GG: Likewise. :P
TT: The girls have decided not to join us this time around.
GT: Woah woah woah.
GT: Dont tell me youre backing out on us now ladies!! I thought the four of us were going to get all dolled up and see THE MOVIE PREMIERE OF THE DECADE!!!
GT: I cant believe you two!
TT: I'm shocked and appalled.
TT: That you two would so brazenly ditch us this way.
TT: After my brother so generously saved you two these tickets that are worth all of five hundred dollars that include the value of sitting through endless stair-falling and crotch-kicking, respectively.
TT: It's just a damn shame.
GT: What he said!
TG: who the fuck paid 500 bucks for that
GG: Believe me when I say I mean no disrespect to your brother or his glamorous movie premieres.
GG: And I certainly didn't intend for it to come off as if I was "ditching" you!
GG: It's just...
TG: his movies are legit the smelliest shit to ever be pooped outta hollywoods butt
TT: Respect at its finest.
GG: I didn't say that.
TT: So you disagree?
GG: Well.
GG: No.
TG: lol
TG: in my defense i can totly say that cuz ive already told davey to his face so
GT: How do you get away with insulting one of hollywoods finest filmmakers??? Shouldnt this cause some sort of scandal?
GT: Lalonde vs strider debacles that the press would be all over?
TT: All Lalonde vs. Strider debacles have been sidestepped for the foreseeable future.
TG: cuz his bro and my mom r totally bangin
GG: I thought the press didn't know about that?
GG: It seems with "news" as big as that it would be publicized rather exaggeratedly, but I've seen nothing even mentioning the sort in recent media.
TG: dont worry janey they know
TG: moms just got a way of keepin people to shut the fuck up
TG: when dealin w CERTAIN corproations its a super good skill to have
TG: js
GG: We're not talking about this here. And if we were, I would say I STILL have no control over the way BCCorp has been running the recent propaganda against your mother. If you could even call it propaganda.
TG: u totally could call it tht
TG: mom just knows how to cover her shit
TG: another skill u gotta know when dealing w/ mudslinging bullshitters
TG: who will not b named
TG: but maybs have some relation to some people in this chat
TG: whose text is totally not blue
TT: Subtlety incarnated. That's what you are Roxy. GG: Someone please change the subject before I go completely stir crazy!!!
GT: How about changing it to what this memo was *ORIGINALLY* intended for.
GT: Which was to talk about awesome flicks and not about whatever family drama you three have muddled yourselves into!
GT: And since you birds are fleeing the coop the night of the big event im calling an emergency movie night!
TG: theres like literally no escapin u is there
TT: One way or another Jake English will find you.
TT: And make you watch movies that you hate.
TG: brb
GT: Maybe if you all werent so picky these movies nights would go much smoother than they usually turn up!
GG: Honestly, I don't know why this always ends up being a problem.
GG: Hypothetically we could pick any movie
GG: Any GOOD movie
GG: And Jake would still enjoy it.
TT: It's because Jake always picks.
GT: I do not!
GT: Just last week we watched that foreigny brit film jane.
GT: And dirk i watched that anime thingy with you right?
TT: That was a Kurosawa film.
GT: Subtitles and everything.
GT: So I guess it's my turn to pick again this week!
GG: Sigh.
TT: Ditto.
GT: Oh dont be like that you two! Ive got this great sandra bullock film picked out for this week.
GG: The one about the football player? Because that one looked genuinely heartwarming.
GT: No no no no. Though that was a great film.
GT: Im talking about the old 90s one where shes a super hacker! What a lady indeed! Talk about versatile acting!
TG: baaaack
TG: whats goin down
GT: Emergency movie night ms lalonde!
TG: wow yea ok
TG: as suuuuuuper tempting as that sounds
TG: i gotta bounce so this is actually me signin off
GG: Are you headed out?
TG: yea alex called and said he wanted to hang out so im gonna head to his place for a bit
TT: Lame.
TT: Whatever happened to bros before hos?
TG: totally overruled when youre not gonna get any make out action from ur bros
TG: u gotta stay up with the times dirky the rulebooks changin everyday
GT: Why not invite him over then? We could squeeze one more into dirks nasty old apartment!
TT: Hey everyone, guess we're hosting movie night over at my fucking place.
GG: I think it sounds like a great idea! I haven't really even met him, either. Aside from that one time I bumped into him in the hallway of your building, but I hardly think that counts.
TT: No big deal. I could have the place bug bombed or some shit tonight, but, nah, we'll just live through the fumes for the sake of sacred movie night.
TG: nah i dont think hes up for meetin people yet
TG: besides i dont want the first time he meets u guys to be in dirkys nasty gross bug bombed apartment
GT: Awwwww! :(
TG: sorry babes but ill text u all tomorrow mkayyy
TG: maybs not u jakey
GT: Hey!
TG: (shhh its just a cover u know ur my fave)
GT: (Just playing along of course. *devilish grin*)
TG: (*secret winks/blowin kisses @ u* <333)
TG: bye!!!
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] left the memo.
Yeah, you hate it when they do that. You kind of hate yourself that you hate that they do that. It's this big cycle of hating yourself for things you shouldn't hate yourself for but do so you hate yourself for it.
You should probably clean your apartment. Not that it's gross and nasty or bug bombed, you would just like to state that for the record. If it was any of those things it wouldn't be because of you. Yeah, the paints chipping a little bit, and the carpet is stained some odd color you didn't know existed, and if you leave the bathroom fan on for too long it smells like eggs. But that just comes with cost of living, though. Those eggs smell like home you, for fuck's sake and you will have no one insulting your egg smelling apartment. You guess you could light a candle or something, though. For Jane, you think as you search for your matches.
You leave the memo when you realize you're spacing out and staring at blue and green flutter through the chat window but you can't process words. Whatever, you'll see them tonight anyway. When you're searching for your matches under the numerous papers flooding your desk you hear the familiar notification noise from your pesterchum. Finding matches is too much work and you decide to settle back into your office chair, instead.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
TG: dirkyyyy
TT: Hey.
TT: I thought you were off to have make outs with your hos not bros.
TG: dont you worry
TG: its on the list
TG: believe u me
TG: i just wanted to ask you somethin real quick before i head out
TT: Shoot.
TG: hey so will u come to lunch w/ me and alex tom??
TG: i know its kinda short notice but ur a lazy fuck who doesnt do anything neway soooo <333
TT: I thought you said he wasn't up to meeting anyone yet.
TT: This sounds like a pretty official meeting, if you ask me.
TT: We're not talking about crashing a tutoring session or bumping into Mr. Punctuality stomping through the halls of your apartment building.
TT: This sounds like something I'll have to wear a tie for.
TG: omg please dont wear a tie
TT: I'm wearing a tie.
TG: dirk you win super loser of the week
TG: but i dont rly givea shit if hes being super difficult about meeting you guys
TG: cuz hes coming to lunch w/ us anyway
TG: idk weve just been datin for like a month now
TG: doesnt feel right for you guys not to know each other
TG: or at least MEET each other at a time when hes not tryin to get his pants back on lmao
TG: so whattya say???
TG: comin??
TT: Sure.
TG: awesomeeeeee
TG: ok i should probs go now
TG: OH wait also ps
TG: sorry for ditchin you with dave striders second biggest fan ever at premiere night
TT: I hope you're not implying that I'm the first.
TG: daveys the first obviously
TT: Hah.
TT: It's fine. If anything it'll be a good night with people who actually enjoy being there.
TG: psh yea exactly
TG: why u dont want janey and me there n e way
TG: hope ur not dreadin it too much w/out us lovely ladies there tho hehehe
TT: I'm actually looking forward to it.
TT: The movie not you two not being there.
TT: It's been six years since my bro put out a feature like this. He wouldn't even let me have a peek of it, either, so I'm guessing it's pretty heavy stuff this time around.
TT: There are rumors that Ben Stiller's gonna retire after this film, though.
TT: If that's true this marks the end of a big SB&HJ era. Kind of like the Batman eras or the James Bond eras.
TG: are you comparin hella jeff to james bond
TT: No, I'm comparing Sweet Bro to James Bond.
TT: The point is it's going to be this fantastically bro filled night where we mourn the loss of a great epoch, just waiting besides ourselves for the douchebag Christian Bales and Daniel Craigs.
TT: Bro's going to give a speech, if that gives you any idea what the weight of this situation is.
TT: And it's not a rap.
TG: woah
TT: Yeah.
TG: well good
TG: then i dont feel super bad for ditching your butt with jakey then
TG: you have ur super fun time bro night distri
TG: ill probs be swamped with finishing up my paper anyway so idk which gives me the suckier deal
TG: busting my noggin over fenestrology with ectobio theology bs on a friday
TG: or strider boy wet dream movie night
TG: w h a t 2 do w hat 2 do TG: im still stickin with the first one
TT: Your loss.
TT: How is your paper coming along, anyway?
TT: Catching you on pchum is a fucking miracle nowadays.
TG: its almost done actually
TG: and by almost done i mean the first draft
TG: so when i give it to my prof to rip into its probs gonna end up with me spending even more time tryin to clear thru all the fucking red pen jfc
TT: If you need me to read over anything just let me know.
TT: I'm not as well versed in dark fenestrology and the like but I could probably offer some useful insight.
TG: yea ill probs do that before handin into my prof just so everything reads super silky smooth
TG: oooh shit i gotta go alex keeps textin me
TG: neway see u tomorrow dirky <3333
TT: Bye.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
TG: ok but ifyou wear a tie wear the easter one lmao
TG: ok legit gotta go byebyebyebyebey
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
That tie should be around here somewhere.
--------------------------------
You're early. Not for any reason in particular, but you are. Donned in your pointed shades, and your best collared shirt, and your "good" jeans, and a tie with bunnies snuggling up with bright painted eggs which is fucking adorable as shit, yo. You sit there patiently watching the door open and close and ding and slam with every customer that finds their way to the worn and inelegant restaurant. Everything on the menu is Vietnamese and you don't know why you're still allowed in here after you and Roxy had asked the waiters to help you pronounce every single item on the menu.
And after Roxy shoved chopsticks up her nose every time the waiter came by to ask them how their food was.
It's a good place and you like it here.
The bell above the door dings once but the door opens for two. Her manicured fingers push a wide palm against the flimsy door that slams behind the boy who trails behind her--the blinds that cover the small window of the door flopping violently against the movement and just barely missing an opportunity to nip at the back of that guy's head. She scans the room and when she sees you she waves and tugs what looks to be one hundred and fifty pounds of dead weight along. You stand, customarily wiping your hand down your tie to keep it in place, and she laughs at the formality kissing you on the cheek when you pull out the chair for her. She curtseys into the seat and you're left with two men standing, his hand already reaching out for his own seat. You make eye contact with him from behind your shades and stare.
Roxy rolls her eyes and looks over the menu. You don't know why, she already knows what she's getting.
The guy straightens and waddles over to you in pants too big and goes for the introductory bro-hug. He pats you three times on the back. You do not know this man. He is not your bro. He gets no pats.
"Hey, man. Heard a lot about you," he says retracting back from the hug. "I'm Alex."
"Dirk."
A part of you wants to turn to Roxy and say, there, we've met, but now you have to go because things come up; your bro's calling, Jake got his hand stuck in the DVD player, you have papers to write, and problems to solve and you don't have time to play big brother. But that's a lie. You do have the time to play big brother, more than time. You have a whole fucking life to play big brother. She just thinks you have all the time in the world to dick around and you can take two fucking hours to have lunch with the new squeeze.
So you sit down and give him a nod and look over the menu. You don't know why, you already know what you're getting.
Roxy talks most of the time. You don't like talking all that much around people you don't know/don't like and Alex's poignant indifference to being here makes for a combination of both. But Roxy likes you both well enough to not care about how either of you are feeling in that exact moment. She keeps talking. And you like listening to her talk, which is good because she does it a lot. And she talks about you. Of course she talks about you. She's known this guy for one month--maybe two--and you've known her since she was seven and that includes the months in which she's known Alex. This isn't about you meeting him, it's about him meeting you. It's introducing him to, "back when me and Dirky were in 6th grade," and "one time back when me and Di were in NYC," and other such tales that make up everything she knows about you. Everything she feels about you. You notice, if you tilt your head at a certain angle the points of your glasses block out any third party at all, and you can trick yourself for half a minute that you're not sharing her conversation with any other.
But you're just listening. You're just watching.
You're good at listening, but you're better at watching.
You watch as he slips his hand into hers, and that she squeezes back immediately. You watch her grin when she looks at you, but smile when she looks at him. You watch him tuck a small piece of hair behind her ear, and you watch Roxy teach him how to use chopsticks. You watch him slip a hand around her waist when she stands to give him a quick peck on his lips and head to the restroom. You watch your own hands curl around the chopsticks expertly, and taking a big bite of your broken rice and set them down neatly because you've lost your appetite.
"Hey, so you guys are pretty tight friends, huh?" You turn your head to stare at him and give him a brief nod. "So, what? Are you like the big bro I gotta get past or something."
You wipe your mouth on a napkin and lean forward on the table. "Yeah, along those lines. Except I like to think I'm more of the protective father archetype in this scenario. You know, where the guy sits on the front porch with a shotgun waiting for his little girl to get home--damning hell itself for making her curfew past 9 PM. Though, if she doesn't come home at all the first shell is probably going into the guy's left nut first. Or the right. Depending on the aim," you sit back and take up your chopsticks again. "But I've good aim," you stare over the top of your glasses. "Righty."
He doesn't say anything until Roxy comes back.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering timaeusTestified [TT]
GG: So how did lunch go?
TT: I don't like him.
GG: Yes, but, you don't like anyone, Dirk.
TT: Does that mean my opinion becomes invalidated?
GG: Just a tad!
You cross your arms and refuse to respond to Jane's messages sooner than thirty seconds. She calls you a child. You up her punishment to 45 seconds.