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Aizawa hasn't seen you in days. It was beyond concerning, you always came to work, even sick when Recovery Girl would have to physically push you back to your apartment.
But even now with the dorms you have come down with ‘ the flu ’. He wasn't buying it. You've only been sick twice in the 9 years you've been working at UA. And both times it was you in the hospital kind of sick- not something that passed within days.
So why in the ever-loving- fuck were you not coming? He knew something was off, the teachers dorms were more like individual apartments, small kitchen and living room space with a bedroom and bathroom off of it. That was a perk of living at the dorms, close quarters with the school but also private areas entirely…
Hizashi had been trying to coax you out too, but he was unfortunately met with a brick wall as well. You'd left the lock to the dorm unkeyed, but the one on your bedroom door was certainly in use.
Shouta was sick of the no contact, he hated seeing the person he was close to sick. Although he would never tell anyone that you were- close. That was a secret he was prepared to carry to his grave. But your lack of communication even through text was also terrifyingly unsettling.
Aizawa was fully aware of the media- and how much attention you've gained recently after operating to save Eri. In that way you two were similar, wanting to stay underground and not garner too much attention. He was also aware of your past experiences with media and interest groups, always too pushy and touchy .
What he didn't know was how bad your mental state is, has been .
The hero was fed up with your refusal to explain to anyone . Finally taking matters into his own hands, he stood outside the door of your dorm for 2 hours. He'd seen you leave earlier today, and had full intention of confronting you.
“Hey.” He said sternly, peering at you from the side, where he stood leaning against the wall. You froze, a bead of sweat running down your cheek at the sight of the Erasure Hero, already knowing with that stern and defiant look in his eye he won't let you off easily.
“Aizawa, to what do I owe the pleasure?” You said, voice wavering just slightly.
“Don't Aizawa me.” He growled. “You've been ignoring all of us. And I want to know why you're ‘ sick ’.” Shouta mocked, bringing his fingers up to form air quotes. He knew a lie when he saw one.
And you were lying through your teeth.
“ Shouta , I came down with something and don't want t-to get the kids sick…” You hiccuped, silently cursing yourself out.
“Don't bullshit me.” He hissed out your name, walking up to take the bags from your hand. Shouta didn't obviously look at them, but he caught sight of something disturbing.
Razors, gauze, ointment, medical tape, blank paper.
He didn't know how to feel about the fact that there was no shaving cream in the bag.
“I'm not bullshitting you Shouta!” You hissed, grating your teeth in frustration. Why wouldn't he take you seriously?
Maybe you didn't want him to. Maybe you wanted someone to notice- for him to notice. Maybe you didn't. Maybe you just wanted to carve out your arms until it made a beautiful, bloodied picture. There was enough skin a-
“Uh-huh, get the fuck inside, we're having a chat.” He snarled, snapping you out of your trance. You stood there, shocked by the vivid picture you'd painted in your head for a moment. Suddenly, the black haired man grabbed your wrist aggressively.
“Fuck-!” You swore abruptly, the warm, hot liquid soaking your wrist quickly. The slice of pain was gone almost as quickly as it came, but the stickiness in your sleeve and the pounding of your heart told you that it was more than a little tug.
Aizawa let go in an instant, looking at you in confusion. “Get in.” He muttered, a darkened look in his gorgeous gray eyes. Not wanting to risk him unintentionally putting the pieces together, you walked into your dorm without another outburst. Flipping the switch you caught sight of what you'd left on the counter.
Shit .
Just as you went to remove the sharp object from his view he shouted at your back.
“Put it down. Now .” His voice was deep and threatening, he'd seen the razor, what made it worse was there was a stain on it.
Red
Would he stop me?
Should I?
I want to…
He’s mad…
He doesn't understand…
He doesn't care…
“Put the razor down and take your shirt off.” Shouta murmured gently- a stark contrast to his angrily deep voice from moments before. He set the bag on the counter, turning to you- who stood mere feet away. “Stop hiding it, it's obvious now.” His voice was surprisingly soft and gentle.
“I'm not- what is? What's obvi-”
“The razors say it all. Let me stop the bleeding on your wrist.” He said calmly, but anyone could see the fear and confusion in his eyes. “Let me see kitten.”
The nickname broke you, it'd been so long since anyone cared for you like Shouta did.
How could I doubt him..?
Don't let him touch you.
What-
It's poison.
The ointment you'd bought from the store was in his hand. Had he misplaced it? Had he traded it out? Could it hurt you more?
Will it make it hurt?
Why were you agreeing with the voice?
Tears bubbling in your eyes, your body felt as if it was being twisted in a circle, like mixing clay.
Why doesn't it hurt though…
You could faintly hear Aizawa saying your name, but your vision was swimming, little black fish darting in and out of your sight. You could feel them start to swarm your mind, and they covered all your vision- even to the very edge of your peripherals.
Then, it stopped, the pounding slowed, and there was a warmth on your wrist, in fact, the rest of your body was cold . Air swamped your abdomen, cold and chilling. Slowly, those little dotted fish swam away, clearing your eyesight, thinking you were prepared.
You weren't.
Who could be prepared to see Aizawa Shouta with tears streaming down his face?
You were sitting on the floor now, back up against the island with Aizawa kneeling between your legs, holding your hands.
His are so warm… they're bigger than mine…
He called your name again, you blinked briefly, trying to fully register what'd happened.
He'll choke you
You felt a rush of warmth through your body at the thought.
Not now dammit, not the time.
Wasn't meant to be dirty, bitch
“Kitten, can you hear me? Hey, hey breathe with me..” His deep voice called soothingly.
You coughed out, heaving.
Why can't I breathe-
You could now recognize the terrifying weight in your chest, heavy and unmoving, drowning you in nothingness.
Will you kill me?
“Hey! Breathe-!” Shouta called in alarm, and you finally let out a wheezing breath, panting heavily as you tried to get air back into your lungs.
Get away from him. He'll take the burning away.
It does feel kinda good- like it's supposed to be there…
God your lungs hurt. But you deserved it right?
Fucking bitch.
“Shou-ta-?” You heaved, your smaller hands trembling in his hold. He squeezed them as a silent reassurance.
“I'm here Kitten, I'm here.” Shouta murmured softly, leaning forward to press a kiss to your forehead- which was warm and dotted with sweat.
“Why-” You choked out, feeling the tears build up in the corners of your eyes. Fear taking you by surprise.
He'll tell. Kill him
You tried to listen.
In a flash you had the hero shoved under you, holding the razor to his throat as you straddled him. Fear, anger, and betrayal reflected in your eyes.
Although Aizawa could see the confusion there too.
“Kitten.” He murmured, gulping, trying to grab your hand. Testing the waters. You pinned it above his head without a second thought.
He'll kill you!
What..?
He seized, something equivalent to fear and vitality honing in his orbs. “Breathe with me.” Shouta called gruffy, you could hear the anxiety in his voice.
He's afraid of me.
Good!
No! No no no- NOT GOOD!
Aizawa was muddled with confusion as you leaned back, scrambling off him until your back hit the counter and you tried to throw your head back- only for it to collide with the cabinet, a loud thud echoing around the room.
Shouta called your name out again. “Hey- hey-!” A strangled cry escaped from your throat.
Don't close your eyes bitch! He'll kill you!
Please-!
You sobbed harder, pulling your legs up to your chest and wrapping your arms around your bent knees in a fetal position. It tugged on all the cuts on your shoulder blades and arms and chest. But the burning was intentional.
Good, you can handle some pain- don't be a bitch about it.
I'll be okay.
Something warm was suddenly surrounding you, large, muscular arms wrapping around your neck.
“Come back to me baby, breathe, I'm here. It's okay.” A gruff voice called. Pleasantly rough on your ears. His voice.
Shouta…
“I-I-” Your hands came up slowly, wrapping around his abdomen, clutching at the fabric of his black shirt. “N-no- I'm sorry- y-you-”
“Shhh, it's okay Kitten. Just breathe for me, breathe.” He urged, taking exaggerated deep breaths to help demonstrate.
Why..?
Fucking hell…
You clung to him desperately, and despite the torn and ripped skin across your body, the reopened cuts that you could feel dripping, painting your body a bloody red, suddenly faded in Shouta's embrace.
“That's it Kitten…” He cooed, his voice deep and velvety in your ears.
“Sh-Shouta-”
“Shh, it's okay.” He calmed, pressing another kiss to the side of your head, it calmed you a little.
“Mmm- again…” You mumbled, feeling dazed. Shouta eagerly obliged, running his fingers through your hair and pressing soft, loving kisses on your head, from your ear, to your hair, to your nose, and even to your neck.
He feels so good.
He shouldn't
I like it…
He'll kill you.
But this time you were able to reason.
Fuck off.
Your thoughts were momentarily silenced after that. You sat, still rocking yourself in Aizawa's tight embrace as he whispered softly to you.
“I-”
“No, no apologies.” He cut off, pulling away to cup your face in his scarred hands. A gentle, hurt look resonated in his eyes, you could still feel how nervous he was, but when you didn't pull away or move much it eased.
“I'm-”
“What did I say?”
“...no apologies…” you huffed, downcasting your eyes, “sorry.” You couldn't help but give a small smirk when Aizawa groaned.
“Such a naughty thing...” He murmured, fake frustration lightening the mood- albeit only slightly. You could feel the blood rushing back to you-
Blood
Shit
“Hey- hey, Kitten look at me.” He called, rubbing his thumbs over your cheeks, tracing your cheekbones with the pads of his fingers. “Stay with me. Let me help m'kay?”
You could only nod silently, the warmth of his body so close to yours it felt almost inappropriate.
Because you want him closer?
Fuck off I said!
But you did. You really really really fucking did. However that was something you kept between yourself and the bedroom and especially away from Shouta. God knows what'd happen if he found out.
He-
No, shut the fuck up.
“Kitten? You're getting lost on me again..” Shouta said calmly, a miniscule, barely-noticeable smile on his lips. “No ‘sorry’ in any form better come from those pretty lips of yours.” He demanded before you could even think about speaking- as if what he said totally didn't have your body going red hot.
Your lips parted slightly, but you nodded nonetheless, your bottom lip quivering. Slowly tilting your head up, there was a brief moment where your eyes met his deep grey ones, dark, small, and stunning in every way.
A possessiveness washed over you.
Little bitch, he doesn't even like you.
Doesn't mean I can't protect him.
You were finally in a state to battle your mind, and you were glad that it was Shouta who found you.
“Kitten, do you trust me?” His velvety voice called gently. Your eyes flicked up again to meet his, and you could only nod, your heart jumping to your throat. He nodded back in affirmation. “Can we go to your bathroom?”
That had you pausing, knowing what was in there.
You gulped.
He'll kill you, it's more secluded.
So be it.
“Give me an honest answer.” He said slowly, “It's okay.” Shouta could hear how your breath hitched again, your body tensing in his hold.
You nodded, lowering your head to avoid his gaze. “It's okay.” You sucked in a breath through your teeth, “Just-”
“No commentary.” He interrupted. You could only nod in response. “No judgment here Kitten, you'll be okay.” Shouta gave a soft tug of your hands- which were clasped in his own.
Ready as I'll ever be…
Aizawa didn't say a word as you led him to your bedroom- which was a complete disaster. Clothes were strewn across the floor, a couple razor blades sat atop the dresser, and your bed was a complete mess. Blankets, sheets and pillows all either half on the bed or just not on it at all.
Aizawa called out to you softly, but you merely shook your head. You didn't want to hear his thoughts about how fucked the state of your dorm was. Yet, like he so chose to do, he pressed, gently ignoring your defiance.
“I'll help you clean, don't worry for now.” He ensured, his words soothing that deep pit of anxiety and depression- if even for a moment or two. “Let's focus on you first alright?”
“Mhmm…” You mumbled, taking a breath as the door to your bathroom slid open, the hinges creaking and the scent of blood and vomit that was excruciatingly devastating in every way.
Aizawa could understand why you didn't come out now. Even if it was just a little bit. Even if it was just to say hi.
“Somebody would've asked.” He murmured gently, ignoring the putrid smell that seemed to envelope and suffocate you in the small bathroom. “Asked about where you were, and you couldn't lie.”
You could only nod, he was right. If someone had asked, you would've probably broken down right then and there. Not exactly because you wanted people to know… but because the emotionally unstable part of you had taken over any logical thought or reasoning.
Although Aizawa didn't say anything, you could almost feel his gaze as he inspected the state of the bathroom. If anything, it was worse than your bedroom.
There were numerous razor blades and razors that they had been taken out of scattered about the countertop, there was even one in the tub. Which was stained a light pink. If Aizawa didn't know you- 1: didn't like pink enough to have it as a bathtub , and 2: had been in the habit of cutting yourself for a while now- he probably would've shrugged it off as a simple miscommunication of color preferences. But with his level of knowledge that was impossible.
His eyes silently caught sight of the mirror, broken and cracked through the majority of its glass. It was also then that he noticed the shattered pieces of sharp, sharded glass that were scattered around. The floor was covered in the specs, and there were multiple larger pieces that you'd clearly used to inflict pain upon yourself- if the blood that ran over the shards was anything to go by.
“Sho..?” You called out briefly, quietly, almost too quiet. He could feel your hand shuddering slightly.
“Sit.” He said- far braver than he felt. The fact that his voice didn't shake or stutter out was a damned miracle.
You could only comply, not wanting to frustrate him when he was clearly in a fragile state by seeing the appearance of your space. You slid past him, the toilet seat was already down- a bonus- and you stared down at it for a few moments. The glint of light that reflected off the toilet seat in fractured angles told you not to sit yet.
Aizawa called your name again, but all you could do was shake your head, turning to him, your face fell slowly, eyes downcasting and your fists clenched tightly. He stared worriedly for a moment before peering over your shoulder at the lid, his eyes visibly softened an almost unreal amount. He carefully tucked his arm into his sleeve a bit, using the end of it- where his hand no longer was and it was just fabric- to wipe off the seat, the pinpointed sounds of glass hitting the ground engrossed your ears for a moment as he cleared it off.
Shouta stepped back, shaking his sleeve off as an extra precaution. Neither of you spoke as you settled onto the lid of the toilet. Aizawa rummaged through your destroyed bathroom, removing himself to grab the ointment and gauze from the bag you'd come back with.
“Shouta…?” You murmured once his figure returned to the doorway.
“What's wrong Kitten…” He called back, submerging himself in the bloodied and disastrous bathroom once more.
“'m sorry…”
“For what?”
“Me.”
Shouta didn't reply after that, how could he? There was only so much he could do for you when you didn't care enough anyways…
Slowly, he uncapped the ointment, gently taking your arm in hand he smeared it over the raised reddened spots on your upper arms. There weren't any fresh cuts or nicks on your forearms- clearly you were at least somewhat smart about this.
That thought didn't actually bring him any comfort though.
“I hate how good you are at hiding things..” He murmured, “I wish you would've told me…”
You could only stare at his hands as the worked the soothing cream over your arms, his large hands being able to cover much more than yours could. The pads of his fingers were bigger, rough from years of training and hero work, yet soft and tender as he tended to your intentional harm.
“I don't like people knowing…” You murmured, “It makes me feel selfish.” The words slipped past your lips before you could stop them.
“For wanting people to know that you need help?”
“For inconveniencing people that have to check in on me and make sure I'm not-”
“Anyone that's close to you would gladly take 15 minutes out of their day to check in on you to make sure you weren't hurting yourself or planning to do anything.” He whispered, his voice suddenly low and extremely close to your ear. You barely registered the sound of him tearing the medical tape, and the feel of it being pressed to your arm- along with a gauze pad. “And if I need to, I'll check in on you every 15 minutes. Whether you like it or not. Its not an inconvenience to me.”
“But you have students..?” You retaliated, looking up at him with a cloudy, confused look. Your brows furrowed as you tried to understand the why.
As you spoke he worked efficiently on the cuts surrounding your wrist, dapping at them with a cloth to clear the blood away before applying more of the ointment and gauze.
“The problem children can wait 10 minutes for me, they can kill themselves 100 times over before I let you do it once.” He soothed, albeit it being a dark statement- it lit a much needed fire inside you. A want .
“Shouta…”
“You're stuck with me, you and all your problems are mine now.” He mumbled, pressing his lips to the top of your head, a firm yet gentle kiss.
You could only stare up at him as he pulled back just slightly, cupping your chin with two of his fingers. Subconsciously, your eyes trailed to his lips, sure- you'd felt them against your skin before, when he kissed your forehead. But never where you wanted them. Or really wanted them either.
“Come back to my dorm.” Shouta requested, calling out your name to garner your attention. “..Please..?”
You couldn't say no to the pleading look on his face.
“Can I sleep with you?”
You couldn't say no to him in general.
“Obviously.”
Apparently he couldn't either.
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