Work Text:
Anxiety
It's like a weight on your chest, arms grabbing you from behind and pressing you against an inanimate object, a wave crushing you on the ocean floor. It's an invisible force that makes you gasp in hopes of getting more air in your lungs. It makes you pant and the air feel like there is no oxygen left, just this damp humid air that is never enough. It makes you stand up from your seat or from laying around and pace around just in hopes that standing up would help the air flow better into your lungs, but it doesn't help and you have to sit down again because the lack of oxygen is starting to make you dizzy. You sit down by the window and open it even if it's freezing outside, because maybe the crisp winter air would somehow be easier to breathe in. But it isn't. It's just a cold wind on your face and eventually you'll have to close the window because your toes and fingers are starting to freeze from the momentarily weakened blood flow.
In these moments Jake hopes someone would notice. Anyone.
But he has locked his door, told everyone half an hour ago that he'd go take a nap and not to bother him for the next two hours. He would set an alarm to come and help with dinner. He was waved off by a mischievous smirk from Jay, implying that he'd give up their room for Jake to use for his private business this time. The others wished him a great nap. Little did they know his private business was far from what they imagined a guy in his early twenties would do when he got a room for himself.
No, he was not jerking off. Instead he was sitting in front of his desk, shivering as he only just closed the window, leaning his head on his hands and trying so hard to just fucking breathe.
He doesn't even really know what threw him off the loop this time. He, like all the others, was no stranger to anxiety. They were idols after all, under tremendous pressure, having to perform even in their daily lives as there was almost always a camera watching them. Having to practice and perform with little to no sleep and under strict diets they were all used to being some sort of dizzy often. But this was still different than the anxiety from making a mistake while performing, or being late for a schedule, or angering their manager for some mystical reason (not that he got angry very often).
There was no root reason for this. It was like all of his anxieties from the past few months have just kept accumulating and gathering and gathering into this tsunami that suddenly had it's breaking point on this very normal Tuesday. It gave no warning, suddenly it just felt like Jake was drowning and he couldn't get up, even if he tried. No childhood swimming lessons could help him. He couldn't swim across a rift to get out of the pulling, he couldn't swim along a current to get to safety, he couldn't really even swim against a current cause there was none. There was nowhere to go for the water encompassed him from all sides and drowned him in its darkness.
Somehow he managed to drag himself back to the bed he had earlier risen from. The sheets were cold and heavy, he would have no energy to lift all the 7 kilos of his weighted blanket and crawl under it. Instead he collapsed on top of it, feet dangling off the edge of the bed but it was all he could manage. He was still shivering from sitting in front of the open window but he just could not make himself move any more. Instead he laid with his head halfway on the pillow, crooked, sure to cause him neck pain when he eventually managed to get up, but it was good enough.
The room was getting darker and darker by the second. Sun did not stay up long during the winter and Jake could see the dull grayness fade to black the longer he stayed staring at his ceiling. There was nothing on the ceiling, on a normal day it would be incredibly boring to just stare at the ceiling, but right now it felt like his eyes were fixated on it. Or on nothing. It was like the ceiling was just the background for his swirling thoughts. Like he could see this nonexistent spiral in front of it. The spiral of his anxieties.
How he should not be just laying here but in front of his desk writing lyrics even though there is no unfinished project. In the kitchen preparing for dinner even though dinner isn't for a few more hours. Helping Jungwon keep the kids in check even though they were all adults and he loved participating in their shenanigans. Working out even though they had just had four hours of dance practice in the morning. Playing games with his friends even though they had agreed to meet up on Discord only tomorrow. Working on something, anything, not just laying around useless even though there was nothing to do.
Useless.
That word was like poison in his veins. It was something he associated with himself far too often, and that he was as often told to forget by his members. He wasn't useless, they said. He was in Enhypen for a reason, he got in for his own efforts and he continued to work on himself constantly. He was a great friend, a support system, a joy to be around. He was funny and had a quick wit, he was comforting and warm. That's what he was told.
But what if he wasn't? What if he just managed to keep up this facade in front of everyone and they just thought he was nice when he was actually no one special. What if they actually just said those things cause they wanted to be nice since he was their member. What if they thought of him as just this person who lived with them? Kind of like a friend but everyone had better friends? What if he just thought he meant more to them than he did and he had been making himself live in this false reality where he thought everyone liked him and they would forget him the moment he left? Should he just leave? Would the group be better off without him? Jake was sure he annoyed the members and their fans on multiple occasions. What if they just didn't dare to say anything to him face to face and were waiting for him to realize it?
Was he even that good of a singer? What if he was the weakest link in the group and he was just dragging the others down? They didn't need him. Right?
Tears leaked from his eyes, hot and wet down his cheeks. They kept rolling down his neck, onto the collar of his t-shirt, soaking into it. More and more kept falling, one escaping to roll onto the shell of his ear, making him shiver from the unpleasant sensation. The ceiling in front of his eyes became blurry. In its darkness it felt like it was getting closer to him, like the ceiling and on top of that the whole sky was falling on top of him. He choked on his breath, coughing, trying to get any air in or out of his lungs but it felt like all the oxygen in the world just disappeared. Like the falling sky was crushing him like a piece of meat in a vacuum bag.
There were spots on his vision, darkening the already dim room. He felt the nails on his throat and realistically he knew those were his own nails, but all he could feel in his entire body was this tingling feeling like pins and needles after you sleep in a bad position and your arm goes numb. It felt like his entire body was on flames but fading from the edges at the same time. Like he was seizing to exist. And in his panic, the idea felt good. Anything, to make this feeling go away.
A few sharp inhales and what felt like a spike in his heart, and the world went completely black around him. Maybe he did seize to exist?
--------------
Meanwhile in the living room:
"Jake said he'd be up to prepare the dinner with you, right Jay?" Jungwon wondered, checking the time on his watch again for the third time just to be sure.
"Yeah he was but I'm starting to think I'll just do it alone if he doesn't start waking up anytime soon. We're all getting pretty hungry. Why do you ask though?" Jay muttered from the couch, eyes still glued on his phone, replying to some message his mom sent him.
"I distinctly remember checking the time when he said he'd go up and take a nap. It was 4:12pm, cause I thought it was still a reasonable time to give him the 2 hours time to nap. It's 7:05pm now. He was supposed to wake up almost an hour ago..." Jungwon muttered the last bit more to himself. It wasn't that unusual for them to sleep past their alarms, but Jake was usually pretty good at keeping his naps timed, especially if he had planned something after said nap. He was a people person and besides the occasional nap, liked to hang out especially with his members and cooking with Jay was something he was usually looking forward to, as they could switch to English if they felt like keeping their language skills from getting rusty.
"Huh, that's weird. He doesn't usually sleep past his alarm that long", Sunghoon commented from the other couch, lifting his head from his own phone where he was playing a game against Niki in some mobile app Jungwon had no idea about. His brows knitted in together, contemplating whether this was something to get concerned about and whether there was something different about Jake today, or whether he just really needed some private time for unspoken business and lost the track of time.
While pondering, Jay slapped his palms on his thighs and got up from the couch with a huff like a true dad, walking over to Jungwon. "I'll go check just in case he's forgotten to turn on his alarm. I don't mind cooking on my own but I think he'd appreciate if I even tried to wake him up for it." Jungwon sent a grateful look towards Jay and nodded as an appreciation before Jay disappeared down the hall
Their bedroom was at the end of the hall on the left, pretty much opposite of Heeseung's room and next to the bathroom. It was perfect, as they had no one sleeping in the next room unlike Heeseung. Not that any of them made much noise at night as they were most often all too tired for that.
Jay knocked on the door just to be safe, but after several seconds of hearing no reply from the room, he knocked again and put his hand on the door knob. The door was locked. Huh, weird.
Sure it was reasonable for him to lock the door but usually if either of them would want the privacy of alone time, they'd simply say so as Jake had done earlier. Or they'd reply when the other was knocking on the door.
Jay knocked again, testing the door knob again in case the sound would make Jake realize there was someone behind the door. "Jake? Jake your alarm was supposed to ring an hour ago, we need to make dinner!" Jay raised his voice, knocking once again to try and make his presence known. "Jake? Dude will you answer?"
"Jake has locked the door?" A little groggy looking Sunoo appeared beside Jay, seemingly also having woken up from his nap.
"Yeah seems so. He doesn't usually do that, neither of us does. He was supposed to wake up almost an hour ago and he's not replying. I don't know if I should get concerned or not." Jay pondered out loud. Sunoo shuffled on his feet, getting closer to Jay.
"Maybe we should try to open the door and check just in case? I mean he's most likely just deep asleep but it's also reasonable for you to be able to get in your room", Sunoo replied, waddling away from the door and towards the living room, soon coming back with a screwdriver - god only knows where he got that from - and a concerned looking Jungwon.
"He isn't opening the door?" Jungwon asked, slight worry shining through from his voice as Sunoo turned the screwdriver on the lock. The lock made a soft click, and when Sunoo tried the door, it opened normally.
The sight they faced could be normal, I mean, a guy passed out on his bed is pretty normal for an exhausted person. But when Jungwon turned on the bedside lamp and the dried tear tracks on Jake's face and the bright red scratches on his throat became clear to see, it got more concerning.
"Hey Jake, it's time to wake up", Jay nudged his friend, getting no reaction back from him. He frowned, lifting his gaze towards Jungwon who now looked infinitely more concerned.
"Sunoo, would you mind getting a wet towel from the bathroom? A cold one preferably", Jungwon asked, voice soft, eyes focused on his sleeping - or more like passed out - friend. Sunoo took a moment before nodding in compliance and leaving the room.
"Jakey, baby, wake up", Jungwon almost whispered, caressing Jake's hair, wiping his cheeks in attempt to clean the dried tears but it did nothing. He lifted his head a bit and settled it better on a pillow, which seemed to get a reaction out of Jake. The poor boy shivered, attempting to turn his body on his side but only getting halfway there before huffing. Jungwon continued his ministrations and when Sunoo came back with the towel, he gently wiped the dried tears with the cold towel, softly moving it over the nail marks on his throat, trying not to irritate the skin more. The cold sensation seemed to awaken Jake, as his eyes fluttered and slowly blinked back to reality.
"Hey Jakey", Jay mumbled from where he had sat down on the edge of the bed while Jungwon had fully climbed on the bed on his other side. Jay had taken over the hair caressing once Jungwon received the towel from Sunoo, and was now scrubbing little patterns on his best friend's scalp in attempt to wake him calmly.
"I would ask you how you're doing, but you're not all that good, are you baby?" Jungwon muttered, lowering the cold towel on Jake's hand, staring at him with those big brown eyes full of wonder and concern and love. Jake felt his throat tighten again, breath hitching slightly, unable to get any kind of sound from his mouth. Instead, he just shook his head, closing his eyes momentarily, afraid of the possible judgement.
"it's okay, you don't have to say anything now. We can talk later. Would you like to cuddle for a bit?" There was a sad kind of smile on Jungwon's face, but it was comforting. Everything about him felt comforting to Jake right now. He could feel the tears brimming in his eyes again, nodding to Jungwon and moving his arm a bit to make space for the younger boy. Jungwon smiled at him but averted his eyes to glance up, locking eyes with someone. "Would it be okay if Sunoo joined us? He's not quite ready to wake up from his nap yet either." Jake nodded again, hoping the little movement conveyed all the unsaid words of how much he would enjoy being in the middle of two warm bodies hugging him close.
"I'll go make some soup then", Jay muttered, getting up, but not before giving Jake a little kiss on his forehead, and a gentle smile before he turned around. Sunoo and Jungwon helped Jake into a hoodie and sweatpants and pulled the weighted blanket from under him, only to cuddle in close with him, draping the blanket over all of them.
"It's okay not to be okay sometimes. We'll be here for you. You are loved", Jungwon and Sunoo whispered.
And even if for a little while, Jake might believe it.