Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

~ june 30th, 2011 ~ 

His thumb nudged your lip, a smile gracing his own as he tugged at it and almost caught you in a kiss, laughing at the disappointment that drew in your brows. The warmth of his breath danced over your skin, his laughter made your heart swell. A sheet covered you, Taehyun caging you against his mattress, holding the back of your head in one of his hands while the other escaped from your lips and drug down your neck.

Sweaty, eyes sleepless and heavy, his dark hair that wasn’t stuck to his forehead was brushing over yours, your noses almost doing the same. Chests heaving with leftover euphoria, your fingers tangled in his hair didn’t dare let go. A warm summer breeze leaked through his open windows, the eighty degree air not the least bit refreshing in the darkness of his bedroom. Skin to skin, always clinging to one another like it’d be the last time, everything was hot, and sticky, and blurry.

An hour ago you were in your own bedroom, shoving clothes into a drawstring bag with your high school's faded logo on the front. Pitbull blared from your radio as you wandered about the hardwood floor in a t-shirt and your underwear, nothing more. Your hair was tied up on your head in a messy bun that most likely hadn’t been touched in two days, and makeup didn’t exist to you in the summertime, so you were barefaced, sporting a couple new tiny red spots on your cheeks.

At twenty years old, a grown adult, you swore you were done with the stubborn acne and hormonal breakouts. Your mother, Joy, never dealt with anything like this when she got into her twenties, and she made it known. Her appearance was her everything. If she didn’t have her looks, she didn’t have anything, and she couldn’t understand why you didn’t feel the same way.

You figured it was because she spent her twenties chasing down men, giving birth to you, then chasing down more men to play Daddy to you, so it was her duty to keep up with her looks, to find a husband. Waiting on you to do the same, to find an acceptable suitor, the way you dressed, the way you did your hair, in Joy standards, was not going to acquire you a man. It was a shame she had no idea you’ve had one boy wrapped around your finger for years .

Banging on your door, drawing on and on about how sucky Pitbull was, Taehyun nearly busted down the chestnut brown slab of pine in his way to unplug your radio. Barely catching a glimpse of you when he stormed in, when he turned to you, extension cord in hand, his big eyes went wild. You had glanced down at yourself, holding a hairbrush in one hand and a vodka shooter in the other.

Taehyun didn’t leave you with any time to look up at him nor to put your things down nicely. Snatching you by the waist, suffocating you with a kiss, the hairbrush and tiny vial of vodka went flying. He carried you across the hall and slammed his door shut with his foot, stumbling over to his bed nearly tossing you onto his pillows and crawling over top of you. For an hour he made you his own, and not once did he give a second thought to your disheveled appearance.

Buried inside you, one hand gripping your neck, he pulled the hair tie from your hair letting it fall in messy waves behind you. Holding both of your cheeks, kissing you rough, wet, with a hunger as whines became prisoner in your chest, your dewy, natural skin didn’t dare turn him off. As for the rest of your body, he’d mutter it again and again, and again, that it was perfect, that it was made for him, that he adored every inch. The purple marks he’d leave on your skin was evidence enough, he’d never leave you unmarked.

Every night was a knockout, but now, gazing up at him as he brushed his lips over the tip of your nose, pressing a slow, sweet kiss to your parted lips, something was different. Taking a deep breath, giving his head a gentle scratch, you sighed when he pulled away, resting his forehead on your own. The look in his eyes was unreadable, one that filled you with a plethora of anxiety riddled butterflies eager for excitement.

His smile told you enough, a second of pure beauty looking upon you before he parted his lips and kissed you like he did before he carried you into his bed. Tugging at his hair, arching your back off the bed to keep him close, your tongue slipped past his lips, a soft sound quickly followed. 

“Hm’my god,” he groaned between shared air, half muffled by your lips. He tried to roll off of you, but the grip you both had on each other just rolled you on top of him. Hair falling over your face, a giggle shared, you pulled your lips away and looked down at him, the sight insatiable. “We’ve got a problem.” His arms were thrown over his head, his hair tousled and messy. 

Laying your arms over his chest, you placed your chin on your hands and smiled as he pushed your hair out of your eyes. “What problem?” you whispered.

Blinking a few times, Taehyun drug his hands through his hair exposing his forehead and sat up, bringing you with him, your legs hooking around his waist. Settling with his hands on the mattress behind him, he gave you a sideways smile as you wrapped your hands around his neck. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from him, he was gorgeous.

Leaning in toward him, pressing your chests together, you kissed his cheek and drug your nails gently over his shoulders. When you caught another look at him, his eyes were shut, his full, pink lips pursed slightly, like they were waiting for yours. Touching your noses together you waited for his eyes to open, and when they did you smiled.

“What’s our problem?” you asked quietly.

A few seconds shared in silence, just taking one another in, the only sound was that of your breathing and the breeze in the windows, Taehyun started to shake his head. His whisper melted you entirely.

“I love you.”

“God,” you sighed, shaking your head just as he had. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

A wicked grin lit up his face as he fell forward on top of you, catching you around your back, muffling every laugh that fell from your lips. Ending up on top of you the wrong way on the bed, it fell quiet once more as he studied you, paying no mind to the way you were hanging off of him where he knelt.

Brushing a hand over his cheek, pulling him closer, you kissed him slowly, and whispered, “I love you, too.”

Pressing you back into the bed, he took his lips to your neck, his kisses heavy. “I love you so much,” he mumbled against your skin, then picked his head up to press the same kisses to your lips. “I love you,” he whispered between each kiss, “I love you.”

“Tae,” you breathed, laughing at the same time. “I love you too, I know.”

“Do you?” he paused, the ghost of a smile on his plush lips. A nod of your head wasn’t enough to appease him. “No, Baby, I don’t think you do.”

“I swear,” you said, squeezing his cheeks. His squished smile made you laugh all over again. “There’s nothing you could do that would change that, Taehyun.”

He glanced elsewhere for half a second. “Whadda ‘bout you?” When he met your gaze again his intensity almost choked you up.

“What about me?” you whispered, furrowing your brows. 

Taehyun smirked. “I mean Gyu.”

Rolling your eyes, you smiled. “What about him, Tae?”

Matching your energy, he laughed. “You ever think about him like that?”

The dark bedroom saved you from a worser fate. Feeling your cheeks warm, you swallowed and shook your head as fast as you could, forcing a laugh out of you. “Tae, no. Never.”

Once. 

And you swallowed it down with the tequila you were drinking that night at his brothers, never to be thought of ever again.

“Please,” Taehyun’s eye roll was playful. “He makes you sound like something I never could when he fucks you.”

Planting your hands firmly on his shoulders, you looked him straight in the eye and sighed. “If you wanna talk about that , then yes, jesus , he’s unreal.” His smile grew. “But, he’s not you.” Your voice dropped to a whisper, your eyes flickering to his lips. “I love you. More than anything else.”

Kissing him softly, he cut it short looking down at you with a smize. “More than Gyu’s monster cock?”

Laughing, louder than you intended, you throw your head backward. “Sounds like you love his monster cock.”

His brows plummeted, the smile playing at his lips as he spoke. “So we agree, he has a monster cock.”

“Can you literally shut up!” 

“Never,” he pouted, tone dripping in sarcasm. Pushing him away with a giggle, he grinned and sat up looking around his room. Following him, you grabbed his sheets and pulled them into your lap as he rolled off the bed. “You called out of work, right?” Taking small steps he was searching for something amongst his clutter, reaching down to check the pockets of clothes that littered the floor.

“Dina doesn’t have me on until Tuesday,” you said, watching him flash you a grin that grabbed your heart by the neck.

“Tuesday?!” He found what he was looking for in the back pocket of a pair of black jeans. “That means we got four days,” he said as he came back to your side. The bed sank as he sat next to you, holding out his open palm. In the middle sat two little purple-ish pills shaped like a circle.

“Where’d this come from?” you asked, taking one, looking at it closely.

“Yeonjun,” he said. “He was leaving Haven when I came to get you, gave it to me in the parking lot.”

“You guys talked?” Giving him a look, you clutched the pill in your fist.

Taehyun shrugged. “I guess.”

Waiting for him to say more, he didn’t. So you left it alone.

“Feel like sleeping, or no?” Taehyun nodded toward his hand. Checking out the purple smile, you look back at him and wink, tossing the pill in your mouth, climbing into his lap.

Laying on your stomach with your arms thrown over your head, your feet were kicked up on Taehyun’s pillows. He laid beside you, fingers running up and down your bare back. The sun had come up, birds were chirping outside the windows in the tree you both knew how to climb down, and neither of you knew what time it was.

Blinking in the morning light, unsure of how long you’ve been lying where you are, you roll onto your back and take a long deep breath. Stretching your arms over your head, you looked down at Taehyun’s hand now resting on your stomach. He started to slide it lower until you stopped him, tucking your knees into your chest with a giggle.

“Stop,” you whispered, shooting him a cheesy smile. 

Pulling his hand back to himself, he smiled. “Okay.”

“I can’t do more,” you said, falling onto your side toward him.

Taehyuns smile grew. “Did so good, Baby.” Biting down on your bottom lip, you blushed. He took a hand to your cheek, your skin equally as warm as his own. “Wanna see if Gyu’s up?”

Nodding, you nuzzled into his touch. “What time s’it?” 

Taehyun lifted his head, squinting toward his bedside table that didn’t have a clock. He blinked twice, then laid back down and laughed at himself. “No idea.”

Downstairs, seeming right below his bedroom, the garage door opened, making both of your faces screw up in confusion. The sun had just come up… right?

“Who the fuck is that?” you whispered. 

Jin, Taehyun’s father, your mothers boyfriend, always left for work on the weekdays at seven in the morning now that he was the Vice President of his company. He used to leave an hour earlier, at six, but since his promotion his hours had changed. You and Taehyun had everyone's schedule down to a science, which was why this door opening now was strange.

Joy was unemployed. The woman really hasn’t worked a day in her life, though she used to be real good at juggling multiple relationships at once for the sake of a dollar… That took some sort of skill. Since she’s been with Jin she hasn’t had to lift a finger. She rarely had a good enough reason to leave the house, especially at this hour in the morning, but then again neither of you had any idea what time it actually was.

“Where’s my phone?” Taehyun grumbled, sitting up, hands roaming all over his mattress.

Taking your time, you sat up and caught your balance before sliding off the bed, landing on the hardwood in your bare feet. Crouching down to scoop a t-shirt into your hands, a black one belonging to the boy behind you, you slipped it on and situated your hair back into a frumpy bun on the top of your head. The cotton smelled like him, a soft musky cologne, and him. Teetering further over his floor you found a pair of your jean shorts balled up in the corner from god knows when. They were bigger, and ripped, hanging off your hips just below the hem of Taehyun’s shirt. 

“It’s seven.” He huffed a laugh, flashing you his cracked phone screen. “Seven-oh-three.”

“No way,” you whispered, blinking a few times, letting your eyes roam all over his body. Scratching his head he stared back at the iPhone 4 he held onto and squinted at it. He dropped both hands at his sides and looked up to you.

“Are you like… really fucked up right now?” he said within a breath.

Staring at him for a few seconds, blinking more times than you could count, you then glanced around his room, the posters and photos beaming back at you as the birds outside got louder, like they were in the room with you. The garage door shut, making you and Taehyun look at one another with a laugh, and you were certain you could hear your mother shuffling around the kitchen. Turning to look back out the window, the grey curtains blowing in the morning wind, focusing on the chirping birds, you took a deep breath and put a hand over your beating heart.

“Are you?” Was all you whispered, looking at Taehyun. His lips were pressed together, tight, and all he gave you was a nod. “Yeah,” you sighed. “Same.”

Taehyun peeked at his phone again and started to laugh. He laughed so hard it was silent, his head tipping backward as he showed you the screen. The clock read 7:18.

“What the…” you breathed, laughing a bit. Taehyun held his face, still losing it. “What did he… What did he give you?” 

“I don’t fucking know,” he said between breaths. Throwing his phone on his bed he reached down for the floor, face screwing up in confusion, then looked at you. “I wanted that shirt.”

Raising a single brow, you smiled. “And you knew exactly where you put it?”

“Yeah,” he pointed at the floor, “It was right here, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you laughed. “You aren’t getting it back.” Starting for his door, his eyes followed you.

“Where you going?” he asked, tone as soft as ever.

Gripping the door handle you turned back, looking at him over your shoulder. His eyes were wide, they almost always were. “To get my stuff,” you said, leaving your spot at the door to walk over to him. With his full attention on you, a smile graced his lips as your arms swung around his shoulders. Closing the space between you, you kissed him, slow, and you aren’t sure for how long either. You’ve already stood in one place for fifteen minutes without knowing.

Pulling away from him, you smirk at how flustered you’ve left his composure, then you leave him to get himself dressed, heading into your bedroom to grab the bag you were packing last night.

“Good morning to you,” your mothers chipper voice greeted you as you turned the corner into the bright yellow kitchen. Shooting her a half smile, you tried to not look at her for too long.  “You’re up early after a work night.”

Narrowing your eyes in the bright light from above and from the big paneled windows lining the wall behind the round table with a brown leather booth for seats, you bobbed your head. “Heading out,” you mumbled, taking yourself over to the fridge. 

Joy, nursing her cup of coffee in a yellow sunflower mug, smiled. She was wearing a fluffy white robe that tied at her waist, and you didn’t want to find out what was underneath it. A fancy pink ‘J’ was sewn into it by her right shoulder and matching slippers were on her feet. Pulled back with a silk scrunchy, her soft hair had one roller in the top, situating her bangs for the day you supposed. From where she was perched at the island counter on a brown leather stool that matched the booth, she took a sip from her mug and nodded.

“Where to?” she asked, pointing her attention to the doorway that Taehyun tumbled into. A black JanSport backpack was swung over one shoulder, one he tried his best not to shake. Joy’s eyes lit up, looking back and forth between you both. “Oh!” She took another sip of coffee. “Together?”

Grabbing two water bottles from the fridge you tossed one to Taehyun as he approached you, and giggled as he almost fumbled it. He shot a glare your way, one that shifted into a smile.

“Morning, Joy,” he said, barely pausing by your side, continuing on to your mother. Giving her the swiftest kiss on the cheek, he rounded the edge of the counter and found himself by the doorway he just popped in from.

“Where are we going?” Joy shook her shoulders, flashing her sparkling white smile. “Are the other two on their way?” After shoving another water into the bag on your back, you glanced from Taehyun to Joy and rolled your eyes.

“We’re gonna go get ‘em,” Taehyun said, ignoring the look you gave him. “Probably gonna end up at Jungkook's for the weekend.” The ease in his tone never shocked you. Sure, this time he may be telling half the truth, but most times it was a lie and she ate it up every single time. That was why he did the talking on the way out the door.

“I think that’s fantastic,” Joy beamed, turning her attention to you as you joined Taehyun at his side. “Stick together, be safe.”

“Mom, we’re twenty,” you deadpanned. Taehyun swallowed his laugh, but Joy’s was loud and light.

“I know, sweetie,” she said. “I still have to say it, I’m your mom.”

Her fluttering lashes pointed toward the coffee in her mug as she sipped from it again. Manicured fingers gripped the ceramic, glittery diamond rings on full display. The one on her ring finger, that wasn’t an engagement ring, was huge, and matched the diamond that usually hung from her neck. Both were a fortieth birthday gift from Jin two years ago, the man surely knowing how to keep her happy. 

There were seven years in between them, it wasn’t like he was an old geezer like she’d hang around with when you could barely toddle. Jin was smart, calculated, but lacked all the street smarts his son was most certainly blessed with. The two made a perfect pair, your mother and Jin. They were both living in their own fantasy world together, having built this castle you lived in with all of them, shoving you and Taehyun up on the second floor so you’d be out of the way of their game of make believe.

The first year or so was rough, starting puberty was a helluva lot easier. Now that it’s been almost ten years, now that you’ve got Taehyun and he’s got you, you’re just waiting for the green light, the perfect moment to slip out of this house together to set up your own game of make believe. Neither of you had a clue as to how it would work, how it would play out, but you were itching for it. You’ve been working at Haven, a bar in the next town over, Beomgyu’s town, for a year and some time now, and Taehyun was offered a position with Jin in his company. He hadn’t accepted it yet, but you were certain he would because it’d kickstart your lives.

Thoughts of the future that should be packed full of worry, weren’t. Not when you had Taehyun by your side. You’d stress about the repercussions later, the anxiety over pairing off together, your secret no longer being a secret. It was barely treated as a secret. It was simply something neither of you talked about around anybody else, besides Beomgyu, but he was different. This was something you kept hidden from your parents, for all this time. For six years.

“Thanks,” you said to your mother, pressing your lips together tight. She smiled at you, one without a flash of her perfect teeth. Normal kids would expect a question about work, if they had gotten off for the weekend, or if they were doing alright after a long night shift. They’d be asked how it was, how everything was going. Not you. You’re surprised she even realized you had been working last night.
“Ready?” Taehyun asked you, turning his back to Joy, tilting his chin to keep his eyes fixed on you. 

Glancing from your glowing, freshly showered mother to Taehyun, you smiled and nodded, finding it all a little too funny. Standing before her, in half of his clothes, unshowered after a night of rolling all over his sheets, she didn’t have a clue. “Bye, mom,” you mumbled, wearing a grin that grew as you crossed in front of Taehyun and fled down the stretch of the hallway.

Outside on the paved driveway, basking beneath the summer sun, Taehyun’s black Jeep Wrangler was topless, making it incredibly easy to toss your bag into the back, sliding in the passenger seat with a groan. Taehyun, right on your heels, placed his bag beside yours and took his place behind the wheel, starting the car as he shot you a glance.

Sliding down on the leather seat wearing a worn, dark blue, knitted cover, you met his eyes and released a breath. The radio turned on, the volume blasting from when the two of you drove home last night. Pitbull was playing, it came on right in the middle of that song that Taehyun moped about. He couldn’t switch stations faster, getting you to laugh.

“I never wanna hear that song again,” he said, tugging on his seatbelt. Noticing you didn’t do the same, he nudged your shoulder and pointed to the buckle. “Put that on.”

Sitting up, you followed directions, smirking at him. “Yes, Mr. Safety.” Finding it all amusing that he’d coach you to take precaution when he was getting behind the wheel unsure of how high he really was. Something was telling you this wasn’t a good idea, a small pit in the bottom of your stomach almost persuading you to get out of the car, but then you’re reminded that if you get out of the car, you’re leaving him behind, and then you’re stuck with Joy.

And nobody wanted to be stuck with Joy.

Four days with Taehyun and Beomgyu was what you wanted. It was what you needed. A weekend away from everything. From your mother, from your job, from the overwhelming anxiety that lived in the wallpaper of your home, taunting you with each minute you spent within the sheetrock. You didn’t know where it came from. You didn’t know why it was there. A shadow that forced you to spend nights with Taehyun, intoxicated nights because it all became too much to handle.

“Why’d you say we were getting Gyu and Yeonjun?” you asked Taehyun, watching him focused on the road as he pulled out of the long, exquisite driveway. 

He shrugged. “Easier than telling her we hate Junie now.”

“ You hate Junie, Tae,” you said. “And you won’t tell me why.”

With wide eyes he looked at you, quickly, as if he sobered up within the last five or so minutes. It was a knowing look, like you should know something, but you don’t. For a while now things have been off with Taehyun and Yeonjun, it all started around your eighteenth birthday. Their friendship wasn’t what it used to be, and it was starting to affect the way you and Beomgyu spent time with him. It’s been the four of you for years now, it’d be insanely strange to go on without one of them.

“Baby, don’t worry about it,” he exhaled quietly, sitting back in his seat, extending one arm onto the steering wheel, letting the other slide over the top of your thigh. The tips of his fingers pressed into your bare skin, one touch shutting you up in an instant. Letting your upper body fall toward the center console, you rested your elbow on it, getting as close to him as you possibly could.

Wind in your hair, music from one of Taehyun’s favorite bands coming out of the radio, warm sun on your skin, trees breezing by over the topless Jeep… One deep breath wasn’t enough. Your heart pounded, hammering between your lungs, the feeling so overwhelming you felt as though you could cry. His thumb danced in circles, as much of his attention as he could give you while he drove, and it was too much.

“Breathe,” Taehyun said, taking your hand in his. Pulling up to a stop sign, he twisted a bit and kissed your knuckles. “I’m already coming out of it,” he nodded, taking a breath with you. Your chest tightened as he gazed at you, your lips crinkling into the frown he’d see right before the tears started. “Big feelings,” he whispered, brushing your fingers over his lips. “It goes away, it always does.”

“I don’t…” you gasped, tears slipping down your cheeks as you put your other hand over your heart, “I don’t think it’s gonna go away.”

Taehyun mumbled something of a curse, and you’re sure you heard Yeonjun’s name in there somewhere. Peering into his rearview mirror at a car pulling up behind the Jeep, he’s forced to move along, pulling out onto a main road, grasping your hand.

“We’re gonna get Gyu,” he said, keeping his tone of voice calm as he spoke to you. “And we’re gonna drive far away. Somewhere we’ll be safe, and we’ll have fun. The three of us.”

Pushing air in and out of your lungs, you half listened to what he was saying to make sure you were breathing the right way. Squeezing the life out of his hand, you nodded, wiping your tears away with the other. “Gyu,” you whispered. “Gonna get Gyu.”

“Yeah,” he said, glancing your way. Watching you for a second, brows flipped the slightest, he gulped and focused on the road again, getting you both to Beomgyu’s safely after ten minutes and a crossover into the next town, into Soro.

The houses here were smaller, nothing like the one you and Taehyun lived in. They were closer together, some only one story high with overgrown shrubbery along the edges of the vinyl siding of each home. Every house here was stuck in the eighties, the decor seen from the windows gave that away. Ruffled curtains and circular light fixtures with warm, yellow lighting. The style complimented the round gardens in the front yards lining the walkways up to the front doors with stained glass windows fixed on them.

Nothing was perfect, it was all scuffled about somehow, a little messy. Moss and grass popping up through the cracks on the sidewalk, rusted chain link fences, bikes left out front in dewey yards overnight. It reminded you of a life you used to live that you can’t remember. One that happened before your brain started logging memories. Memories that mattered.

Coming to Beomgyu’s brought you peace, it always has, and it always will. A compact two story home he grew up in with his brother, Jungkook, sharing a bedroom with him until he moved out. Their living room had two couches in it, deep, worn green pointed towards a TV sitting upon a bookshelf full of novels their mother liked to read. 

There was grey shaggy carpet everywhere except for the kitchen and the two bathrooms, carpet that was extremely hard to get whiskey stains out of. You learned the hard way. 

Straight up the stairs that appeared behind the front door was his bedroom. Now that Jungkook’s been out of it for four or so years, it’s become completely Beomgyu’s, the boys scatter brainedness spilling out onto the walls and the floor in a flourish of photos and papers and posters, clothes all over the carpet. His bed was never made and his hand me down drawers spilled over, hoodies and jeans poking out of the wooden corners.

His home was lived in. Beomgyu, Jungkook, their mother, Jihyo. They took up space, and they weren’t afraid to show it.

Pulling up to it now, Taehyun turned into the driveway, letting go of your hand that was slipping out of his on your own accord. The front door was open, a screen door in place of the scuffed up white one so the summer air could breeze through.

“He knows we’re coming?” you asked Taehyun, looking at him before you focused on the door, hearing voices inside. 

Turning the radio down, he nodded. “He knows.”

Taking a breath, you tightened your jaw and waited patiently, staring at the brass handle on the door, beckoning him to come out of it. It’s been a couple days since you’ve seen him, work keeping you both busy and away from one another. This reunion was overdue, as dramatic as it may seem. The older the three of you got, the scarier things grew. You swore that no matter what, the three of you would have each other for life. It was the three of you against the world, and nothing could alter that outcome.

“…and when you come back, you’re taking care of it, you hear me?” A woman's voice shouted from inside the house, Jihyo, getting closer to the door.

“Yes ma’am.” 

Electricity sparked in your veins.

“We cannot keep doing this, Gyu,” his mother carried on, “What happens when you leave, too? I’m gonna show up to your house every morning just to make sure you took ‘em?”

“Ah, shit,” Taehyun mumbled, laying his head back on his seat. The doorknob shook and you nearly jumped out of your skin.

“JK’ll do it,” Beomgyu’s sneer was heard before he was seen, the front door pushed with haste as he leapt out of it, turning to face Jihyo who held it open.

The woman with short, dark hair to her shoulders shook her head. It was tousled and pushed to the side, her clothes equally as disheveled. Light pink sweatpants hugged her hips and a white tank top showed off her slender middle. For fifty she was stunning, not a line on her face, not even after over twenty years of raising two boys.

“JK will not do it, Beomgyu, he’s got too much of his own shit to deal with.” Her exhale was full of exasperation. “He can’t always be there, you need to get better with it on your own.”

Walking backwards, a bag in his right hand, he tapped the side of his forehead twice and huffed a laugh. “It won’t let me,” he shrugged, then whirled around with a lazy smile on his lips.

Baggy jeans hung on his lanky frame, the oversized white t-shirt he wore covering the waist where you knew there wasn’t a belt, and instead the band of whichever pair of boxers he chose to wear. Black and white aged Vans lived on his feet, ones that you’re sure were his brothers at one point.

His hair, dark and shaggier than ever, reached his shoulders, the length doing something to you these past couple of months. He wasn’t one to cut it, not until it drove him mad, but even then it’d be thrown up with a tie and out of his face if it wasn’t down in his natural waves.

The chocolate brown eyes he inherited from the woman by the door found you first, then Taehyun, but they were back on you in seconds, his smile growing larger the closer he got to the Jeep.

“Then I’ll get one of these two losers to do it,” he winked at you, turning around to flash Jihyo his grin. 

“No!” Taehyun shouted, shooting him a glare. Beomgyu’s mother stepped out of the house, standing on the edge of the patio.

Crossing her arms over her chest her head shook like it always seemed to around her youngest son. “Hi guys,” she said, giving you the smallest wave. Taehyun returned it, all you could do was smile at Beomgyu as he twirled toward you, reaching your side.

“‘Sup, hottie,” he charmed, and Taehyun cleared his throat. “Chill,” Beomgyu shifted his attention to the boy next to you, “I was talking to you, baby.” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“Where you guys going?” Jihyo asked, taking a couple more steps toward the Jeep. Her curious eyes danced all over the scene before her, from Taehyun, to you, to her son, back to Taehyun, like she was trying to memorize it all. Unlike Joy, Jihyo actually paid attention. She cared.

“None-ya,” her son shot back teasingly, lowering his brows. It made you giggle.

“Gyu, stop,” you whispered, then turned to look at Jihyo, unfazed like she was expecting this behavior from him.

“It’s alright,” she said to you, a small smile perking onto her heart shaped lips, one thing Beomgyu did not acquire from her face. Jungkook got those instead. Aside from swiping her eyes, Beomgyu was all his father. “He knows he doesn’t mean it.” 

Beomgyu snickered, placing a hand beneath your chin to turn you toward him. “But, I dooo,” he sang, furrowing his brows, laughing at himself. Jihyo sighed.

“Gyu, get in the car,” Taehyun muttered, eyes sharp. “We’re just day tripping,” he continued, smiling at Jihyo as Beomgyu stepped up on the back tire and jumped into the backseat behind you, his bag ending up on top of both of yours. “We’ll probably end up at Jungkook’s.”

Jihyo bobbed her head and ran a hand through her hair, flipping the soft locks to the otherside. “Alright,” she said, eyes flickering to her son who was leaning over the front seat blowing a stream of cool air on your neck to freak you out. Once you realized you yelped and swatted him away, turning into the center of the car facing both the boys. Jihyo thinned out her lips and popped her brows. “Make sure he talks to his brother, please.”

“Sure thing,” Taehyun bowed his head and watched Jihyo as she walked back into the house with a single look backward at you and Beomgyu laughing at one another. The second the door shut, Taehyun shoved Beomgyu by the shoulder. “What the fuck?”

Staggering backward against the cushion, Beomgyu’s brows flatlined. “What?”

Pulling your hands into your lap, you watched the two of them, back and forth as they spoke.

“Stop being a dick to your mom,” Taehyun said.

Beomgyu blew air harshly from his lips and sat forward, leaning his head against the back of your seat. “Don’t take her side just ‘cause you wanna fuck.”

“Huh?” Widening your eyes you peeked around the cushion at him flashing Taehyun a look with his lips pulled together. A knot formed in your chest.

“That wasn’t supposed to come out,” he mumbled, laughing at himself.

You turned to Taehyun, your stomach flipping in cartwheels. “What’s he mean?”

“Yo, how high is she right now, actually?” Beomgyu asked, pointing at you, digging his finger into the seat cover. 

Dragging both hands over his face, Taehyun exhaled heavily, polishing it off with a groan. “Very,” he nearly whispered, facing the steering wheel, throwing the Jeep in reverse.

“Goddamn, it’s like nine in the morning,” Beomgyu said.

Taehyun, having pulled out of the driveway and onto the street, threw a glance over his shoulder. “We took it last night.”

“Shit,” Beomgyu’s jaw fell open. “You good?”

Bobbing his head, Taehyun relaxed in his seat and nodded toward you. “I am, she’s not.” Beomgyu peered over the seat, finding you slouched down with your feet pulled up on the seat. “Getting you was supposed to make her better, but you wanted to be a jerk. She’s not havin’ fun, I don’t know what’s happening.”

A hand appeared on your shoulder, one that made you flinch. Following where it came from, Beomgyu had his cheek pressed on the side of the seat, a small smile on his lips as he looked at you. His thumb dug into your shoulder, rubbing gently.

“You okay?” he asked, his voice gentle. With a shake of your head you frowned, feeling the tears bubble up. “Hey, hey,” he soothed, sliding his arm around your front to your other shoulder, moving into the middle of the backseat so he could get closer to you. “I’m right here,” he smiled. Grabbing onto his arm with your shaky hands you squeezed him tight. “I got you.”

His soft eyes melted you completely, the tone of color just as warm as the way he gazed at you. Heart swelling in your chest, tears trickling down your cheeks, heart thumping, there was nothing you could do to stop yourself. Letting go of his arm you twisted around and slipped yours around his neck, leaning backward almost over top of him, startling him with a kiss. A heavy, rushed kiss that had your pointed brows softening, your body longing to melt into his.

Grasping his hands around your body as he caught you, he fell back a bit, giving you about just as much as you were giving him. Between each breath, each push of his lips on yours, a tiny whine slipped out, making him smirk, you could feel it.

“Tae not taking care of you, or what?” he teased, nipping your bottom lip.

“He is,” you answered within a gasp of air, honesty coming too easy to you at this moment. “We had sex all night.” Slipping your tongue between his teeth, he chuckled, pulling back with a smack.

“Course you did,” he growled. Eagerly locking lips with him again, Beomgyu let you have another minute with him, then he took you gently by the neck and pulled away. “Okay, okay,” he breathed. Biting down on your bottom lip, eyeing his glistening in the sunlight from overhead, you smiled and flopped down in your seat, facing forward.

Wiping your mouth with the back of your hand you glanced at Taehyun, stone faced, focused on the road. You knew he could feel your eyes, he’d usually look back at you. Shifting over the middle, you rested your arms on the center console and tilted your chin to watch him. His profile was gorgeous, every feature sharp yet ever so soft. It took a few seconds longer than normal, but he finally met your eyes.

It seemed as soon as they were on you, they were back on the road just as fast. Disappointing. 

The Jeep came to a stop, and you pouted. “Tae.”

He looked at you without a change in expression. “Yes, Baby?”

Blinking a few times, you started to smile. “I love you.”

Eyes flickering to your lips, he whispered, “I know,” and then the light turned green.

“Where are we really going?” Beomgyu asked from the backseat, having sat back now, lounging with his legs stretched out behind either seat in front of him. Arms laying in his lap, hair being tossed around by the breeze, his attention shifted to both sides of him, finding something new to look at every few seconds.

After a once over of his relaxed being, you tried to peck a kiss to Taehyuns cheek, but he placed a hand over your heart instead. “Sit down,” he said quietly, side eyeing you. Lips parted with subtle shock, you listened to him after a beat, facing forward. Taehyun glanced at Beomgyu in the rearview mirror. “Yanno that motel down in Contramano?”

A stifled laugh came out of Beomgyu, you can almost see how his shoulders bounced. “The one that we lost JK at?”

Taehyun laughed in the same way, a smile breaking out onto his face. “Yeaaah,” he drug out, nodding his head. “She’s never-” He shot you a quick look. “We’ve never been.”

“Some crazy people there, dude,” Beomgyu said. “Crazier than Yeonjun.” Taehyun met his eyes in the mirror again, both of them laughing now.

Folding your arms over your chest you didn’t have the heart to laugh along with them, though the sound was beautiful. You didn’t have a clue as to what they were talking about anyway, the whole Yeonjun thing. For some reason Taehyun started to treat him differently, when you don’t think he’s even done anything wrong. Yeonjun’s always been nice to you, looking out for you, asking you how you were… He was a nice guy.

For the last few months, since this year had started really, he hadn’t been around as much, and whenever you questioned Taehyun about it, he’d have something not nice to say. 

“He’s gone rogue.” 

“Hasn’t he told you himself?” 

“That asshole?” 

His all time favorite was, “He’s a shady douchebag.”

Now it seemed Beomgyu was in on it, always knowing exactly what Taehyun was talking about, catching onto his insinuations, his subtle comments. It was easy for the two of them to make you feel left out, they always did, and though you were sure that right now it was because you were coming down from a terrible high, it still hurt. Paired with Taehyun’s energy switching, an emptiness filled you.

This was a familiar feeling, you’ve been here before. The dread hitting you like a brick to a window, shattered glass mimicking the prickling nerves beneath your skin, invading your blood. Your eyes bore into the stickers on the dashboard, once reading them, now a vacant stare. The boys were still talking, for however long you weren’t sure, the Jeep came to multiple stops, went past a plethora of traffic lights, making so many turns.

“Hey.” A hand reached for your arm, the soft skin brushing over yours pulling you out of the trance you put yourself into. You looked at the fingers, noticing how they caressed you carefully, and in drawing your eyes further found they belonged to Taehyun, who gazed at you with a small smile and pretty eyes. “Come back.” The sound fluttered from his lips, two words to lodge a lump in your throat.

“Can’t,” you whispered. It pained you to speak, your jaw so tightly clenched.

He sucked in a breath and focused on driving, looking at Beomgyu a couple times before gesturing back toward him. “Sit with Gyu,” he said, flicking his blinker on, changing lanes swiftly. “Sleep it off if you can,” he coached, preparing to turn onto a new street. “Now, I’ll go slow.”

One look at Beomgyu convinced you. He had turned, leaning against the side of the car behind your seat, one leg stretched across the backseat, bent to not push your bags onto the floor. Tapping his lap, he didn’t wear a smile, but his eyes were comforting. Taehyun moved as he promised, slowly so you could maneuver yourself into the backseat, climbing through the Jeep. Beomgyu’s arms grabbed onto you straight away, sliding around your waist to help you over, settling you onto his lap in one fluid movement.

Once your back was pressed to his chest, and your legs were tucked up on the seat, a sigh escaped you. He was much larger than you, his body pulling you into his own, becoming a layer of protection. Both of his arms around your front, one held you against him and the other smoothed across one of your thighs, his touch soothing.

Burying your face into his neck just his scent alone calmed the rigidness in your veins. The light rise and fall of his chest with each breath threatened to rock you to sleep. Brushing his cheek over your hair, you felt him press a kiss to the top of your head, hesitate for a moment, then do it again before he nuzzled into you again, a deep breath corrupting his lungs.

His eyes fluttered shut, Beomgyu himself finding some sort of comfort in this moment. “You’re okay,” he whispered. “I promise.”

Peeking your eyes open, the sunshine assaulting your sleepy state, but warming your shaking body, you moved your head slightly, finding yourself laying on Beomgyu completely, having flipped over at some point in your sleep. One of your arms was wrapped around his back, holding onto a fistful of his t-shirt, both of your chests pressed together, your head lying right over his neck.

Lifting your head you take a breath. He had his head resting on the edge of the Jeep where the window should be, his eyes closed. The wind ruffled his hair and his lips were perked up the slightest bit. His body had lowered on the seat while you slept, both of his feet on the blue cover, keeping you caged perfectly between his legs, secure on top of him. His arms were loose around your back, one of his hands having slipped beneath the hem of your shirt, resting on your bare back, skin on skin.

You guys were still driving to your surprise. Turning your chin as far as you could to look at Taehyun, he was sitting back, one hand on the wheel, the other hanging out over the side of his door popping back in every now and then to take a drag of a skinny joint he twisted between his knuckles. The radio was on, a band whose name you couldn’t remember even though he’s probably told you a thousand times, his head bopping along to the heavy beat.

“Hi, pretty,” Beomgyu said to you, making you turn back, looking up at him. His chocolate eyes were hooded and glossy. The hand beneath your shirt drew a circle. “How you feeling?”

Taehyun looked back at you guys. “Baby,” he said, his tone breathless. When the Jeep stopped you sat up, slowly, pressing your hands on Beomgyu’s chest to help you up. Rubbing your eyes, you shook your head and questioned Taehyun with your gaze. “You just slept for like an hour and a half.” Stretching a hand backward, the joint between his fingers, he gave it a shake, coercing you to take it from him.

“Where are we?” you asked, putting the skinny roll of white paper between your thumb and your finger. Wrapping your lips around the end, you took a short pull and held it in.

“We just left Sicuro,” he said, taking all of you in. “We’re in Contramano, like, fifteen minutes left.”

Blowing out the smoke, you frowned. “Damn, I love Sicuro,” you muttered. Taehyun flashed you a smile before he resumed his driving duties. “Tae-” You were reaching the joint back toward him, but Beomgyu snatched your wrist, cutting you off.

“Gimme that,” he mumbled, a shit eating grin gracing his lips. Settling yourself back over him, chest to chest, you smiled as he let go of your arm and opened his mouth, letting you place the joint where he wanted it. 

Eyes locked on yours, wrapping his lips around the paper, the way his jaw tightened accentuating his already unique bone structure made your cheeks flush. He tucked his chin away for a moment, inhaling the smoke, letting the joint slip from his lips safely in your hand. The hand that wasn’t under your shirt found your jaw, his fingers pressing into your cheek, persuading your lips apart. Lifting his head he tilted to the side and blew the smoke between your lips, smirking as you inhaled what he gave you.

“Hold it,” he whispered, running his thumb over your lips once they closed. “Good girl,” he smiled after a few seconds, pulling down on your bottom lip. “Let it out.” You released the breath quickly, tossing the end of the joint out of the Jeep, lurching forward to catch his parted lips in a kiss, his tongue dragging over where his thumb just was. Letting yours tangle with his, you smiled into the kiss. “Shit,” he breathed, tossing his head backward, eyes squeezed shut. “Taehyun, when do… When are we…”

Trailing your lips down his neck, you giggled as he tried to form words. Licking a thick stripe up his skin, you took his earlobe between your teeth giving it a tug. His hands had slipped past your hips, gripping the round of your ass, pressing you into him as he pushed his hips up. A soft gasp came out of you, he was hard already.

“ Please ,” he taunted, lowering his brows. “Bet your wet as fuck, you wanted my dick the second I got in the car.”

“Am not.” Trying to not let his words affect you, you narrowed your eyes.

He smirked, his lips popping into that lazy smile that was in fact known to get you wet as fuck . “Wanna bet?” Without warning he slid a hand into the bottom of the denim shorts you wore, a finger dragging over your center, proving him right. “Oh, sweetheart,” he teased, letting his finger slip into you.

“Gyu,” you whined, eyebrows flipping over. “Stop.”

“No bra, now, no panties,” he said, pumping his digit into you, enchanted by how your eyes were glued to his. “You dirty girl, hm?” All you could do was sigh, your breath getting heavier and heavier. “You’re so wet,” he brushed the tip of his nose over yours. A breathy laugh fell out of him as he felt you clench around his middle finger. “This is all from you, doll? Or’s this Tae, too.” His tongue poked out of his lips, dancing over the seam of your own. “Know you love it when he fills you with his cum.”

A moan tumbled from your chest, Taehyun turning over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of you writhing on top of Beomgyu, eyes begging him for something you couldn’t ask for. “Beomgyu,” Taehyun said, tone a tad sharp.

“Hang on,” he sighed, watching your eyes wrench shut. Slipping another finger into you effortlessly, he smirked as you whined, your hands grabbing fistfuls of his t-shirt. “Think she’s gon’ cum already.” The sound that came out of you was confirmation enough. “Are you? You little slut , Taehyun’s watching, and you’re gonna cum on my fingers?” 

“Yeah,” you sighed, dropping your head on his chest, rolling your hips in a circle for friction.

“Do it,” he whispered in your ear, pressing his fingers up into you, your back arching you against his body, his hardness beneath you spurring you on as much as his words. “Cum, show him, show Taehyun.”

On command you tightened around his fingers, a filthy strain of moans falling from your lips as Beomgyu helped ride you through it. Your body shook, his arm slinging around your back as his jaw fell open with a silent laugh, looking over at Taehyun who had his bottom lip between his teeth with a smile.

Without any sound, he mouthed, ‘No way,’ to Taehyun.

Seconds before you picked up your head, Taehyun shot Beomgyu a, ‘Slut,’ before he turned back around.

When you met Beomgyu’s gaze, you took a deep breath and grilled him with a glare. “No, no,” he smiled, pulling his fingers out of you. “You needed that, don’t give me that look.” He popped them both between his lips, making sure you watched how he licked them clean. Pulling them out with a pop, he kissed the tip of your nose and said, “You’ve never came that fast before.”

“Congratulations,” you whispered. “Don’t think you’re gonna get anything for it.”

Beomgyu snickered. “You’re funny.” He placed a hand on your cheek, running his fingers over your skin before he toyed with your hair. “I give it a half hour.”

Falling quiet, letting the breeze dance over your skin, basking in it for a second, you laid your head back down on Beomgyu’s chest. His heart was beating a mile a minute, you could feel it. His hands ended up back where they started, one loosely around your waist and the other beneath your shirt, his nails dragging over the length of your back.

Fixating your gaze on Taehyun, admiring his beauty from where you laid, you couldn’t shake the unease settling in your stomach. Something was up, and you knew it wasn’t from Beomgyu touching you, he was allowed to do that. There was something in his eyes as he looked at you now, and even after giving him a smile and getting one in return, it wasn’t Taehyun.

Slinging your legs over the edge of the Jeep, you jumped out to the gravel of the parking lot of Motel Extraviada , a quaint building that stood three stories high. Slinging your bag over your shoulder you turned to look up at it, squinting in the sunlight that was growing hotter as the day went on. It was edging eleven thirty, closer to noon than you would’ve guessed.

Sunstained orange stucco clung to the walls of the Extraviada, the entire architecture of the place based off of something you think you saw in your history textbook in high school. High arches accented the exterior, tiny colored tiles littering the roundness of each one. The stairs were made of black steel, spiraling up in a circular way to each level on the outside of the building, one on each end of the motel that formed a sort of ‘U’ shape, the parking lot directly in the center of it all.

It wasn’t anything extraordinary, definitely not somewhere Joy would recommend to stay. The atmosphere was quiet, the ground dry and crunching beneath your feet. Even the main road that you had pulled off of that ran right across of the front of the parking lot was dead, not a car whizzing by to show any sign of life. 

The middle of nowhere, that was the perfect way to describe this place.

Feet landing on the gravel had you spinning around, both Taehyun and Beomgyu grabbing their bags out of the backseat joining you after sharing a vacant glance. When he looked at you, Taehyun, he smiled, and when he reached your side he slid his hand over the back of your neck, leaning in to kiss your cheek.

“Feeling any better?” he asked, his grip on your neck just tight enough to get you walking in stride with him.

“Think so,” you said under your breath, almost nervous to speak too loud in the still air.

“You’re still shaking,” he said, looking at you one more time before you walked underneath the main arch toward the front door of the motel.

“I’m always shaking,” you whispered. Now that you were up and moving the dizziness had hit you, nausea sure to be on its way shortly. Taehyun paused with his hand on the brass handle of the old wooden door that had been painted, and repainted many times, a teal color. “Tae, what did he give you?” 

Your question made his eyes flicker around before they settled on you, his whisper forced from his lips with a push of air. “Molly, I swear.” He shook his head.

Narrowing your eyes you swallowed hard. You needed water. “How much of it?”

“I don’t… I don’t know,” he said, breathless. “You’re on it all the time anyway, I didn’t know this was going to happen.” The way your gaze shifted into something harder made him backtrack. “No, I didn’t mean… I just…” After a breath, he dug his fingers into your neck. “Just wanted to have fun with you, Baby.”

The way his lips formed the smallest pout tugged at your heart. “Are you okay?”

“I was comin’ down hours ago,” he shrugged, sliding his hands down your back.

“How do you not feel like me?” 

Taehyun licked his lips, watching you for a couple seconds. “I smoked half that joint by myself,” he started. “That could be it… Or, it just didn't hit me like it hit you.” 

Thinking back to last night before you swallowed the pill, you can remember they were both exactly the same. Same color, same size, same stamp. Usually when you came down, you came down together, taking care of one another before you’d do it all over again within the next day or two. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn't glamorous. It was gross. You’ve spent way too much time sleeping on the floor of the bathroom you and Taehyun shared, cold, sweating and hungover, sometimes lucky enough that he’d be in there with you, holding you in his lap, his arms wrapped around you.

“You still love me?” you whispered. His soft laugh didn’t ease the pain in your chest. “Taehyun.”

“Baby,” he crooned, taking his hand to the back of your head, pulling you closer. “What did I say?” Touching his forehead to yours, he smiled. “Last night, what did I say?” Shifting your eyes between his, you kept your mouth shut, afraid to say something wrong, anxiously waiting for him to say the words instead. A small huff of a laugh came from him. “You’re so cute.”

“Just tell me.”

“I love you,” he said. “I love you, I love you, I love you. When this shit’s all out of your system you’ll feel so much better, I promise you. It’s making you think crazy. I’ll love you forever .” 

Hearing him say it didn’t help at all. Maybe he was right, when this shit was all out of your system you would feel so much better. Some type of normal. You hoped. Nodding your head as best as you could, you kissed him back as his lips gently pressed on yours, eyes glued to him when he pulled away to tug open the front door of the motel. His hands left your body too fast, and you tried your hardest to pretend like that didn’t bother you.

Behind you, Beomgyu was leaning up against the curve of the archway, his back pressed to the tile, gaze dancing all around the property, making you wonder if he had been paying attention to anything you were talking about. You realize a normal person wouldn’t have a conversation like that in front of a friend, and that a normal person wouldn’t do what you did with that friend in the backseat of your boyfriend's car, but this was anything but normal. 

As if he could feel the anxiety pouring out of you, he turned his chin, sneaking a quick glance over your form. His demeanor was different too, stiff. When he pushed himself off the tile with his foot, he tipped his chin back and looked down at you, following Taehyun into the building. You thought he would follow him completely, leaving you out here alone if you didn’t start walking once he passed your side. His arm slipping around your shoulder proved you wrong.

Shifting his attention forward, catching the wooden door with his elbow, he mumbled, “C’mon, kid.”

The inside of the Extraviada was predictable. Shiny, burgundy tile made up the floor, the two sets of tan leather couches surrounded by dark wooden furniture both atop a multicolored patterned rug with skinny white tassels on either end. There was a long bookshelf between each set, separating the two, decorated with aged books and plants and photos of the town, Contramano. A long desk lined the wall to the left, where the concierge, a man in a nice shirt, tended to a couple with a single suitcase.

Taehyun said it before, neither of you have ever been here. The only time you set foot in Contramano was when Joy wanted to go shopping at some designer store when you were fifteen, and she drove you down here one Saturday thinking the two of you would bond, and she would buy you something. You spent the whole day on your Blackberry cell phone, dodging the ‘ Who are you talking to smiling like that?’ question she threw at you many, many times. Your fingers ate away at the itty bitty keyboard, your bottom lip nearly numb as you gnawed on it trying to keep your responses exciting to keep Taehyun interested in you. 

At fifteen, just sharing your first kiss only a year prior, he was your first everything. You were one of the first freshman girls to tell the tale, share the story, tell everyone else what it was like. Some didn’t believe you because you wouldn’t say who it was. That was when people, mostly the girls, started to think it was Beomgyu, one of the boys you spent most of your time with. Yeonjun was another guess, but he was a sophomore. There was no way you’d get with a sophomore .

You and Taehyun were content letting people think you were hooking up with Beomgyu. It didn’t bother either of you, you knew the truth, that’s what mattered most. Besides, you didn’t sleep with Beomgyu until you turned eighteen, right before you graduated, when rumors barely mattered anymore. Your boys turned eighteen before you, they told you they knew just the thing to commence your adulthood . 

The lines have been blurred ever since.

You wished you felt like you the last time you were in this town, five years ago. He gave you butterflies. The excited jitters, the ones that radiated from the inside out, and life was bright, vivid and full of joy. There was thrill in having to hide, in keeping your crush a complete secret. Holding hands for a few seconds when no one was looking, the rush of stealing a kiss around an empty corner. The way you’d both tip toe around the second floor thinking Jin and Joy could hear you walking around, coming up with a routine to mask where the footsteps lead.

The first time you ever smoked weed was on his bedroom floor at the foot of his bed, sitting in a circle with Beomgyu and Yeonjun, the eldest boy sharing something with you all that initially made you nervous, but eventually had you rolling with laughter, the four of you smiling for what felt like days. This was the same year Taehyun figured out how to make the gross drink he typically opted for so he wouldn’t leave traces of smoke in the house. Yeonjun helped him, handed over the knowledge, telling him every type of way he could achieve that feeling.

You tried every single one. Sitting on his lap, hanging out his window, laying on the floor, half clothed in his bed. For the last five years you were both hooked, on the drugs, on each other, on chasing a detrimental fleeting feeling with whispers of love laced between each moment.

A shiver ran down your spine, one you knew had nothing to do with the air conditioned interior of the motel. Beomgyu tucked you in closer to him, the two of you hovering behind one of the leather couches waiting for Taehyun to get a room. The couple in front of him spent a lot of time talking to the man behind the desk, both the man and the woman looking a couple years older than you and your boys.

When they finished whatever process they were going through, they turned and smiled at Taehyun who stepped aside politely, returning the smile. The woman wore a long, iris colored sundress, her coffee toned skin glowing against the blue, her dark hair short, way above her shoulders, and naturally curly. She was beautiful. The man she was with shared in her beauty, his skin a shade of mocha, his eyes a sparkling green, milk chocolate waves atop his head. He stood several inches taller than her, the height difference endearing.

Awash with adoration for this couple, you pressed yourself against Beomgyu and laid your head on his chest, returning the smile the girl gave to you as she passed by, headed toward the outside of the building to get to their floor. The man pulled the suitcase, a piece of sturdy luggage that held both of their belongings. They were happy, probably on vacation, or a weekend getaway like yourself, though this was clearly calculated and not some wannabe runaway story.

They slipped out the door effortlessly, chatting away with dazzling smiles, wearing diamond rings on both of their left hands. Married. Maybe it was a honeymoon. Maybe it was an affair, and they were both married to somebody else, so they had to come to this devoid motel several towns over to keep out of the public eye. Maybe they were running away, from a life they weren’t allowed to live, a forbidden love that others would shame, that others would throw dirt on to bury it away, shunning them from existence, sucking the happiness they seemed to exude straight out of them.

“What are you thinking about?” Beomgyu asked, shaking your body a bit.

After a blink you looked up at him, the couple now completely out of your sight. “What?”

He smirked. “You got really quiet, just making sure you didn’t OD.”

His words didn’t even register with you. You were stuck on the rock that lived on that girl's finger, something you may never get to see on yours. Trying to take a deep breath, your stomach lurched, your hands tightening on Beomgyu however they could. Last night Taehyun asked you about him, about Beomgyu, and if you liked him, if you had feelings for him. You lied to him. You told him you didn’t feel a thing, when actually you know damn well if he found another girl for himself you’d be heartbroken beyond belief. 

A year has passed since the feeling first came up. That night in Jungkook's basement, everyone was drinking, every night at Jungkooks becoming one black out after the next. By the early morning hours it ended up just you sandwiched between them on the couch, Taehyun passing out before the sun had fully risen having gotten his fill. He said the words earlier himself, you were always on molly , and that night you had taken it, Beomgyu too, so neither of you were getting any sleep. The only thing left to do, each other.

It was the first and only time you fucked without Taehyun knowing. You aren’t even sure it counts, you barely remember it yourself. The only thing you can pick out from the hazy memory is the way you were both kneeling on the couch cushions, one of his arms holding you tight against his chest and the other between your legs, his lips attached to your skin- Taehyun thinking he was responsible for the assault on your neck when you had all woken up, both you and Beomgyu quick to agree with him, because, well… he was responsible for it, right?

Throwing Beomgyu in the middle of your relationship was exciting at first, he wanted to hook up and you and Taehyun wanted to try something new. He fit right into the freakish mess that already was your sex life, amping up the thrill, not even giving it a second thought after you and Taehyun had told him what's been going on between the two of you the entire time you’ve known him. He dove in headfirst, unafraid, his confidence sparking something within you the first time he touched you.

Maybe that crush has always been there.

When it was just you and Taehyun, everything came simple, everything was easy. You could see the future, you knew where you wanted to end up with him, you could actively visualize your happily ever after. Taehyun gave you everything, he looked after you, he was your right hand, you know he would do and go through the unthinkable if it meant that you were happy, and safe, and taken care of.

Involving Beomgyu made it all a mess. 

And it drove you sick to your stomach because you wouldn’t have it any other way. If Taehyun was your right hand, Gyu was the left. The familiarly foreign, beautiful concept of a boy who’s shown you what it’s like to be showered with an incredibly different type of love than you’re used to. The chaotic, gentle giant who tramples on top of everyone in his life, except you, the girl who somehow knows how to switch off his incessant burnt out motor of a brain.

Beomgyu could put a ring on your finger and your mother would jump for the heavens. When the invitations would go out your distant relatives wouldn’t raise their brows in shock, twisting them in disgust moments soon after they’ve processed the names in fancy script. Beomgyu could kiss you in your kitchen without worry, he could hold your hand and walk you down the street without wondering if people were staring.

A relationship with him was socially acceptable. A future with him would look normal, to everyone else, and the thought gutted you completely.

Taehyun was starting toward the two of you now, keys on a metal ring dangling from his middle finger. Beomgyu had been talking to you the entire time. About what, no clue. You were focusing hard on not getting sick in the middle of this motel lobby, though you’re certain you wouldn’t be the first.

“You okay?” Taehyun’s eyes were big, his eyebrows furrowed above them as he came to your side. It felt physically painful to look at him, to have these thoughts and look straight at him, acting like they weren’t the reason you were turning green.

If he didn’t ask you that stupid question last night you’d be fine. If you didn’t see the disgustingly gorgeous ring on that girl's finger you’d be fine . If your mother didn’t start dating Taehyun’s father eleven years ago you’d be fine. 

You would be able to love who you love without dying a little inside every goddamn day.

Pushing Beomgyu away, stumbling out of his arms, Taehyun moved to grab onto you but you pushed his hands out of reach. Dropping your eyes to the floor, the room spinning, the nausea creeping higher, you hurried for the door and heaved it open with your shoulder, almost tripping onto the gravel, posting your body up on the tile where Beomgyu had been leaning.

Sucking in deep breaths, pausing heavily after each one to hold back a retch, trying to calm yourself. The sun wasn’t helping, the heat suffocated you, your skin clammier than ever.

“I told you, I don’t know !” Taehyun came out of the door, sounding like he pushed it open with both of his hands, the wood hitting the stucco with a slam.

“You better fucking figure it out!” Beomgyu was next, slamming the door just the same before it could even swing shut. They were throwing their voices at one another. “What happens when she doesn’t wake up next time, Taehyun?!”

Wrapping one of your hands around your throat that felt drier than the ground, you pressed your head against the cool tile and tried to keep your breath steady, each one quicker than the last. 

“Least I’m trying to keep her calm, you’re the one getting her all worked up, Gyu,” Taehyun spun on his heels and nudged his shoulder, Beomgyu’s expression going wild. “She’s sick and what do you do?! Stick your fingers in her, for what!” Beomgyu shoved him, Taehyun stumbling backward.

Pins and needles infected your fingers and your toes, the feeling spreading toward your lips, a numb trembling you couldn’t control. A sob escaped you, the tears nonexistent, your body unable to produce you any.

“She’s sick ‘cause you keep enabling her.” Beomgyu's tone was laced with venom, striking Taehyun where he knew it’d hurt. “ Both of you have a problem. This isn’t Yeonjuns fault.”

Your knees wobbled underneath you, your balance giving out. Taehyun darted to your side, holding you up. Your skin was on fire, everything burned. This was definitely the fastest your heart had been beating all day, you could hear it in your ears, the pulsing. Falling into his chest, you grab onto his shirt and claw onto it, using it to steady yourself somehow no matter how badly you wanted to shove him away from you.

Taehyun said something else to Beomgyu, something unintelligible. Your muscles were going weak, your vision going black.

A small, stained glass hooded light above the door gave the room a warm glow. The walls, covered with pale orange striped wallpaper basked in it, keeping the light soft, eating just enough of it to keep the level gentle, not disrupting the dark of the night that had fallen. 

Laying on top of a white duvet, several pillows scattered around your head, your eyes meet the ceiling first, the cakey popcorny look is the same as the ceiling in Beomgyu’s basement. Everything was quiet. Turning your head to the right, you catch a glimpse of the night sky out of the cracked light blue window shade, the motel windows sealed shut, unable to be opened. 

A dull pain lived directly behind your eyes, your eyesight still slightly blurry as it had once been earlier in the day, if it was still today. The last thing you can remember is the boys screaming at each other. It appeared like they weren’t even in the room with you, it was utterly silent. No one was laying beside you from what you could see.

Curling your fingers on the smooth fabric of the blanket, you slowly bring your body to life, fighting through the soreness that invaded every fiber of your being. Bringing your hands to your chest, dragging them along, you hold one over your heart and take a breath. Aside from the pain, your heart felt normal. 

Maybe you were dead.

“Baby,” Taehyun whispered from your left. You would’ve jumped if your body didn’t feel like it weighed a trillion pounds right now. Following the sound of his voice, you find him on the floor, chin propped up on one of his hands laying flat against the blanket. His knees were tucked into his chest, he faced you completely. He was nearly squished against the nightstand beside the bed, trying to be as close to you as possible.

When you met his eyes, wide and scared, you sighed. “Tae.”

He scrambled to his feet, crouching to stay close. “Oh my god,” he breathed. Reaching for your hand, he held himself back. The boy wanted to jump out of his skin. “Can… Can I- I just wanna-”

“Come here,” you whispered with a long blink. Taehyun leapt to his feet and sunk into the mattress seeking sanctuary beside you. He moved slowly, with care, allowing you to settle into his arms however you pleased. Turning into him, you wrapped an arm around his waist and buried your face in his chest. He was still wearing what he arrived here in.

“You’re not burning up anymore,” he said, speaking as softly as he possibly could. He took a hand to your forehead, then to your shoulder you realize now is bare, then to your thigh that he gave a little squeeze to. “I need you to drink water, please.”

The sternness written on his face would normally make you laugh, but in this moment it made you cry. A quiet cry, only a single tear welling and slipping down your cheek onto his shirt. “Don’t leave.”

Your whisper forced him to take a breath. Kissing your forehead, he nestled his nose in your hair and sighed. “I’ve been here the whole time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Squinting in the light, your eyes travel to the ceiling once more. “This is our room?” Taehyun answered you with a hum. “Please tell me it’s still Friday.”

“Technically it’s Saturday,” he breathed the quietest laugh as you inhaled a breath. “It’s like three o’clock in the morning.” He could see the disappointment clouding over your face. “It’s okay,” he smiled. “We’ll go back to sleep, after you drink something, and then we’ll wake up and have the best weekend.”

It sounded like a fun plan, the three of you out here with nothing to worry about. Part of you is ready to make that happen. Another part of you is angry that this had to happen, making you miss out on an entire day, and possibly another.

“Wait,” you started, trying to look over your shoulder, but your neck wouldn’t allow it. There was another bed in the room, an empty bed. Taehyun guided your head back down onto his chest. “Where’s Gyu?” The literal last thing you remember. Boys fighting. You didn’t want to be the reason this weekend was ruined for one of them. If Beomgyu went home you would-

“On the phone,” Taehyun said. “We, uh, we got a hold of Yeonjun.”

The name gave you almost enough energy to spring straight up onto the bed. Tightening your arm around Taehyun, you crinkled your brow to question him.

“He’s been in and out,” Taehyun said, lifting a hand to toy with your hair. “He helped me get you up here.” Looking down at yourself, you felt your cheeks warm. You wore a tank top and underwear, nothing else. “I did that,” he thinned out his lips. “You were overheating, I got scared that… I didn’t want you to get too hot.”

“Yeah,” you said, hooking one of your legs around his. “Are you guys okay?”

Taehyun smirked at you, then shrugged with a small roll of his eyes. “It’s Gyu, we’ll be fine. He tried to fight me twice though.” Your eyes blew open wide.

“He did?”

Taehyun nodded. “You know what he’s like when he’s off the Addy.”

“Kinda scary,” you whispered.

“Yeah,” Taehyun whispered. “Kinda scary. He called Jungkook though, like his mom wanted, so that’s good. They talked for a long time, JK knows what to say.”

A smile perked onto your lips, and Taehyun gave one right back to you. “Is it true what Gyu said?” You drug a finger along his arm, searching for his fingers, lacing yours with his. He pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. “About Jihyo?” You asked him within a whisper, half teasing him. The other half was serious. He’s never spoken about another female like that in front of you, ever.

Groaning humorously, he gave you a funny look. “It was a joke, I promise.”

“I mean, I don’t care,” you attempted to laugh. “She’s a smokeshow, I don’t blame you.” Now you were testing him. Not that you were assuming your shared best friend's fifty year old mother would sleep with him, but you wanted to see how much he’d lie about it. 

Beomgyu’s mom was hot, everyone knew that, even your mom. Joy’s been hounding her for her skin care routine for months, not believing Jihyo when she tells her it’s literally a cleanser from the drug store, and lotion. If it doesn’t have twenty bougie, pointless steps, Joy ain’t using it.

Taehyun laughed, shaking his head. “She is a smokeshow,” he admitted. “But, so are you.” Rolling your eyes, you stuck out your tongue to make him laugh again. “And I would rather have you, again, and again, and again,” he tilted his chin, giving you a swift kiss, “And again.”

You caught his lips in another kiss, taking it slow, not having kissed him properly since before you left the house yesterday. It felt so right. Breathing him in, both of you taking your time, moving with grace, this was how it was supposed to be. In neutral territory, a room that belonged to neither of you, hours away from a programmed life you were meant to be living. This was what it was about.

“Were you mad at me?” you breathed, keeping your eyes closed for a few seconds, opening them up to find him confused and looking at you in disbelief.

“When?”

“Earlier,” you said, brushing your nose over his. “With Beomgyu. Were you mad at me?” He exhaled heavily and pushed you into the pillows, rolling partly over top of you. He kissed you before he gave you his answer.

“I wasn’t mad at you,” he said. “Maybe a little frustrated ‘cause you… You weren’t feeling good, and he kept doing things to make it all worse.”

Nibbling your bottom lip, you held back a smile. “Things you wish you were doing instead?”

“Baby,” he sighed, then nearly gasped at the same time. “It’s not jealousy, I can assure you that.”

At first that’s exactly what you thought it was, jealousy. He asked you about Beomgyu and your feelings, and the second said boy joins the party he shuts down, despising every little thing that involves him. He was the one to encourage you to sit with Beomgyu in the car, though. He was the one who insisted Beomgyu come with the two of you on this trip. Taehyun was so pro-Beomgyu that you couldn’t pinpoint what the issue was.

“Okay.” You decided he was telling the truth. “Hope you know I’d rather have you, again, and again, and again.”

A smile grew on his lips. “I love hearing you say that.”

“And I love you ,” you whispered.

Taehyun’s smile softened, his eyes narrowing the slightest bit. “God,” he sneered playfully. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

A jumbled mess of, “Shut up,” burst from your lips before you kissed him, tangling your fingers in his hair. His hand slid down your side, dragging over your thigh wrapped around his waist. Dancing his fingers around gently, tickling your skin, goosebumps erupted all over you, a shiver shooting down your spine. Sucking in a breath, you laughed on his lips and tugged at his hair, getting the smallest sound out of him.

“Taehyun,” you whispered, kissing him once more before putting a centimeter of space between your lips.

“Yes, Baby,” he copied your tone.

“Can I ask you something?”

“‘Course,” he smiled.

It was a loaded question. One you don’t think he’d be prepared to hear, but your mind, intoxicated or not, couldn’t leave it alone. “What’s our future look like to you?”

His lips parted slightly in surprise. He definitely wasn’t expecting that to come out of your mouth.

“Our… our future?” he asked for clarification. You answered with a nod, not giving him much else. Taking a breath, he glanced elsewhere for a minute, thinking to himself. Gazing up at his tired eyes, you let the sight of them comfort you, snuggling your body further into his. “Baby, I… I try to not let this get to me, you know I like to stay here. Stay present.”

“I know you do,” you whispered.

He ran his tongue over his lips and let out a breathy laugh. “It maybe crossed my mind once or twice, though.” The look on your face encouraged him to go on. “Our future, to me, is this. Us. Together, in love, having fun, being… free.” 

You started to smile. “Being free,” you repeated. He hesitated, but he nodded. “You really think that could happen?”

“It could,” he said. “It might.”

“Those are some high hopes, Tae,” you wiggled your brows. 

“What about you?” he asked, calming the grin he wore. “Your turn. What's our future look like for you?” 

You almost didn’t want to tell him. Every thought you’ve had, every daydream about what years from now could look like for you and Taehyun, you wanted to tuck them away and keep them to yourself. This was never really a serious conversation the two of you have ever had, this would be the first time you were putting intention into the words.

It could totally scare him off if he wasn’t thinking the same as you, whether or not he chose to share the truth with you. You trusted he did. He could be hiding his own thoughts, waiting to see what you’d say instead before he pours his heart out to you. 

Or, he told you the truth and now you were going to drop a bomb on him.

As if he could see your brain at work, he brushed his lips across your forehead, giving your temple a kiss. “Tell me,” he whispered in your ear. “What made you think about this?”

Looking up at him, you steadied your breath and said, “I think they’re reasonable thoughts to be having, don’t you?”

He squished his brows together. “Oh, of course. I was just wondering if something happened, or if… Yeah.” His gaze danced around your bare face, easing tension within you.

“I saw a girl with a wedding ring and it made me think about things,” you whispered, keeping your eyes glued to his in case you needed to backtrack. His tiny nod beckoned you to go on. “I guess I always… have been thinking about these things. Recently, I mean.”

“How recent?” he asked within a whisper.

“The past year.”

“Jesus, Baby,” he sighed, tipping his chin backward briefly. “A year?”

“And I know that maybe it’s crazy to think about it, ‘cause we just turned twenty yanno, but I can’t help it. I think it’s got something to do with the fact that…”

Taehyun breathed, and finished your sentence. “That we can’t be together.”

It was quiet for a minute between the two of you. Then, you bobbed your head.

“I mean, if we’re gonna be honest, Tae, no one ever said the words, we can’t be together .” A smile graced your lips. “So, it’s not like it’s breaking any rules, or going against any law, it’s not illegal! It’s-”

“Baby.” Taehyun placed his hand to your cheek to calm you, shutting you up. The look in his eye didn’t do much to settle your stomach. “No one said the words, but it’s definitely against something.” He pouted as your smile faded. “I mean… What are we supposed to do? Trust me, I’ve been looking for the answer for a long time.”

“Taehyun,” your voice was hushed, your lips just ghosting his lips. Your eyes fluttered shut. “I wanna marry you one day.” You didn’t dare open your eyes, afraid of what you’d see written in his. “Maybe my brain is still fucked up, but I don’t care. I wanna marry you. I wanna have a life with you, share a life with you, make a home. If I’m ever a mother one day, I want those kids to be yours. I don’t care if it’s crazy, I really don’t. I don’t even think I care what people say. We could move here, and live far away, and do everything ourselves, we don’t need our parents.”

Taehyun wore a heavier pout when your eyes opened. His eyebrows were entirely flipped over, his eyes shiny and wider than they usually were. Hopefully this tore away whatever type of jealousy he was feeling prior. You were his, and he was yours.

“I love you,” you whispered, kissing him softly. “ So much, Taehyun.”

“Okay, so he’s a dick.” The door to the room opened and closed quietly, Beomgyu’s voice just as quiet as he stepped onto the carpet. Rolling on your back to give him a look, he’s got his phone in one hand, using the other to secure the lock on the door. When he turned he froze. “Oh, shit.”

“Hi, Gyu,” you said, not bothering to even try to stand up. He fixed his gaze on your eyes, nowhere lower. He appeared both relieved to see you conscious, yet flustered to have walked in on the two of you. 

“Back from dead,” he mumbled with a shake of his head, rounding the bed closest to the door, plopping down on the edge of it. Giggling, you glanced at Taehyun who still wore the look you left him with, his focus on the sheets now. “You laugh, but that was terrifying,” Beomgyu scoffed, scooting back against the pillows, taking a peek at his phone.

“I’m sorry.” Watching him, he looked as tired as Taehyun.

“You don’t have to apologize,” he muttered, focused on his phone. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Tae said you called Yeonjun,” you said before either of them could start bickering, feeling that that’s where this was heading. Beomgyu glanced at the wall across the room and rolled his eyes. “What’d he say? What’d you say?”

When he looked over at you, his eyes shot to Taehyun for a second, squinting. “What’s his problem?” Taehyun’s eyes flickered to his, his brows still carrying some sort of sorrow.

Looking at him, you placed a hand on his cheek and tried to smile. “I dunno,” came out of you in a rushed whisper. Beomgyu blinked, shook away the moment with a twist of his expression, and sat forward, curling his legs under him.

“Since you KO’d we’ve been trying to get a hold of him,” Beomgyu began, dropping his chin to emphasize the dramatics. “His reason for not answering until an hour ago?” He looked at Taehyun. “Yeji.” Taehyun clicked his tongue and sighed, Beomgyu huffing a laugh at the same time.

“The girl he’s been dating?” You lowered your brows.

Beomgyu curled his lip. “The girl he’s been using ?” He sent you a look. “Junie only wants to fuck. More importantly, he wants to fuck what doesn’t belong to him. Yeji’s had the same boyfriend since they were juniors.”

“Yeji still hooks up with him?” You wanted to gasp, having known none of this. Yeonjun spoke highly of Yeji whenever she came up, like he genuinely liked her. You had barely known her in high school, and even after you’ve still barely taken the time to get to know her since she’s been hanging around Yeonjun. You’ve met her twice. “Even though she’s been with someone for that long?”

Beomgyu took another quick look at Taehyun before he shrugged. “Shit happens,” he mumbled. “Anyways, after he used her as an excuse, I asked him where he got the pills from and he said that it was from his cousin and that he got it last weekend. The cousin that makes all this shit? All his own stuff? He said one was for you, and the other for Taehyun.” Taehyun sucked in a deep breath, you could feel it. “He also said… He told you all of this.” Directing his focus to the boy laying beside you, your knees would be trembling if you were on your feet.

“He told you this?” you asked, voice hushed. When you caught a glimpse of him, he had his eyes squeezed shut.

“Yeonjun said they were two different pills,” Beomgyu continued.

You shot a glare straight at him. “He’s a fucking liar, they were not-”

Taehyun caressed your cheek, coercing you to turn your chin toward him like it was. He cut you off and drug his thumb over your cheekbone, almost brushing your bottom lashes. “I’m sorry,” he barely said the words. “I half listened to him ‘cause he pisses me off so bad, I don’t even remember him saying that. I was so excited to get you and bring you home.”

“The pink one was for you,” Beomgyu went on. “The purple one was for Taehyun.”

The blood in your veins went cold, every single hair on your body nearly standing straight up. It felt as though a knife had been shoved into your chest, a different kind of panic, one you had literally no control over. 

“They looked exactly the same,” you whispered, eyes pointing down as you released your hold of Taehyun and used your hands to push yourself up, sitting forward over your bare stretched out legs. A hand touched your shoulder, hoping to pull you back to where you were laying, but you shrugged it away. “They were both purple.”

“It was dark,” Taehyun said, having sat up behind you. His hand touched you again, you swatted at it this time. “Baby, I’m sorry .”

A chilling look toward him wasn’t enough. You would’ve screamed if you had the energy. This was a careless, rookie mistake. Not something Taehyun would ever think to do, or screw up. Maybe you really were lucky to wake up.

“What was it?” Your tone was flat as hell, turning to face Beomgyu where he sat on the other bed. The pain roared behind your eyes and you were weak all over, feeling like you had the flu. “What did I take?”

He showed a hint of Taehyun’s look from minutes ago on his face, but shook it away, tousling his hair, pushing it away from his forehead. “Molly,” he said, acquiring the exact look from you he assumed he was going to get. Then, after a quick smirk, he said, “Mixed with DXM.” Fixing your eyes on your lap, you folded your hands together and toyed with your fingers. The only thing you’ve ever mixed the shit with was alcohol, and even in that case, you chose to do one or the other.

“Well, that’s why it was for you,” you said, barely looking at Taehyun who was sitting back on the pillows now, his knees tucked into his chest. Beomgyu looked at him too, the only one able to see him fully. When the boy's brows quivered with uncertainty toward him, the two of them communicating silently, you sighed. “I can’t.” Placing your feet on the carpeted floor, you slid off the bed slowly and wobbled, gripping the duvet cover with all of your might.

“What are you doing?” Beomgyu asked, one brow raised to oblivion. 

Glancing around the room that was actually pretty nice, you spotted your bags on the floor in front of one of the dark wooden dressers and started toward it, tip-toeing your way over. Taehyun scattered on the bed, moving closer to the edge as you walked away from him. You knew if you looked at him he’d try to beg you to come back by just the look in his eyes.

“I need to take a walk,” you said. Bending over to pick up your bag, taking everything a bit slower than you would without your normal balance, you spied Beomgyu checking you out from between your legs and shook your head as you stood back up. The smile he hid behind his pursed lips threatened to make you blush.

“You can’t go alone,” Taehyun said, moving closer to where you put your bag on the end of the mattress.

“I’m not going with you,” you said, not even looking at him. You pulled a soft pair of shorts out of your bag and had to put them on one leg at a time, sitting on the edge of the bed. When you turned around to put your bag back on the floor, Taehyun grabbed onto your shoulders instead. Beomgyu was eyeing a string hanging off the seam of his jeans, tugging it with his fingers, finding it all really interesting all of a sudden.

“Will you listen to me?” Taehyun was breathless, exasperated, near tears it seemed. “I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have done that on purpose. I didn’t know.”

Pressing your lips together, you nodded. You pulled the knife out of your chest and shoved it into his. “But, you did, Tae. You did know. He told you. He said the words. What if Gyu was right? What if I didn’t wake up?”

“You did,” Taehyun whispered, cupping your face with his hands.

“This time,” you snapped. “And, yanno, this isn’t even the first time I’ve taken something from you without knowing what it was- Both of us not knowing what it was. Yeonjun said it before too, I can remember telling him I had no idea what I was on, and that you gave it to me. He told me that wasn’t safe, but I didn’t think twice about it ‘cause I trusted you.”

“I’m sorry.” It was all he knew how to say. “I’m so sorry, I promise, it won’t happen again.”

His puppy dog eyes almost got you. With a gulp you pulled his hands off of you and shook your head. “If I didn’t partially believe you right now I’d be starting to think that you want me dead.”

“Ooo-kay.” Beomgyu leapt off the bed and pulled you away from Taehyun as his brows plummeted at what you had said. He gave him a gentle push backward too, pointing a finger toward him right as a shout was about to come out his mouth. “Both of you, stop.” He looked at you first. “That was a shitty thing to say, but I’m not gonna push on it ‘cause I know how you feel right now. And you,” he looked at Taehyun, “Don’t even say anything. You won’t mean a word, you don’t need that.”

“Nothing he says will make it any better,” you sneered. Taehyun scoffed, and Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“See, don’t speak,” the boy beside you gripping your arm gave you a dumbfounded look. “In an hour you won’t mean that, don’t make this worse.”

If looks could kill, Taehyun would be a goner when you shifted your glare. Shaking Beomgyu off of you, you took a deep breath. “I need to take a walk.”

Heading toward the door after slipping into your shoes, there was movement behind you and then the sound of Beomgyu disapproving of whatever Taehyun was about to do. You caught a glimpse of them as you pulled the door closed, not even able to see Taehyun past Beomgyu’s frame. He was still on the bed, and right before the door shut you heard his mouth start firing off.

You weren’t sure you even cared if Beomgyu did fight him this time.

Sitting at the top of steel spiral stairs, the night time breeze aided in cooling your skin and steadying your breath. Aside from the wind, the air was quiet, the atmosphere of the Extraviada shifting into something entirely different in the dead hours of nightfall. There weren’t as many cars in the parking lot now, just Taehyun’s Jeep and a few others parked closer to the entrance. Lights hung on the front of the building, big yellow lightbulbs that reminded you of the ones that your boss hung up outside of Haven. She added them to liven the place up, the bar in severely beat up shape, something she’s been trying to save for years now. 

You could go for a talk with her right now, Dina always had the best advice. Even when she wasn’t giving you any, the way she’d give you her undivided attention, her blonde curls bouncing in her ponytail as she’d shake or nod her head, it was just as comforting as hearing her speak. Almost ten years older than you, she’s lived through every moment you were currently going through. It was like having a big sister, you wouldn’t dare compare her to a mother. You didn’t have much luck with those.

Dina would know what to say right now. She’d probably even have some sort of homemade cure for how you were feeling, some type of way to fight off this hangover you were afraid wasn’t going to go away. Never in her life would she glorify what you’ve done, most times she’s disappointed and worried about you- words she’s actually said. But, she’d help you, and then she’d give you her best boy advice though she had no experience with them. Her and her girlfriend, though they called one another wives , have been together since the nineties. 

She was a fan of Beomgyu. She had to be. She had no idea Taehyun, the one you lived with, the one who dropped you off and picked you up for every shift, was involved in any part of your love life.

The breeze washed over you, goosebumps rising over your bare arms. Brushing your hands over the pebbled skin, you took a breath. A door opened and closed down the row of the floor you sat on. Moving over to the side of the stairwell to give the person some room to go down, if they were headed this way, you’re surprised when they sit down right beside you. The ripped Vans gave him away.

He didn’t say anything, his presence was enough. His aura had the ability to cradle every empty piece of yourself, a hug, and he didn’t even have to touch you. Focused on the view from the third floor in front of you both, the blanket of trees and dirt roads running throughout them that stretched for miles, fireflies lighting up the in between spaces, crickets chirping in the silence, your heart skipped a beat.

Clenching your jaw you wait for him to speak first, and the longer the two of you sat in silence the faster your heart seemed to race. From the corner of your eye, trying your hardest to keep your gaze forward, the way he sat forward with his elbows on his knees, his torso entirely visible up to his shaggy hair he pulled back with a band that always lived on one of his wrists, some missed strands hanging down on his neck… God , you could jump on him.

His breath was steady, something you couldn’t hear, but see. The gentle rise and fall of his shoulders, a habit you shouldn’t be so familiar with. Nights you’d spend together, either curled up in one of your beds with the two of them, or on his basement couch, watching him sleep so peacefully, his olive complexion completely still, a rarity. Your fingers would find their way into his hair, dragging through the strands with care, twirling the waves around your pinky ever so softly in case it’d stir him awake. A secret you kept to yourself, the admiration of his unique beauty and peace you wished he felt when he was conscious, on his meds or not.

You hadn’t realized how still you’d become until he touched your bare thigh with a bottle of water, nudging it toward you.

“Here,” he said, his deep voice chilling you more than the breeze.

Looking from the bottle to him, you give him the smallest smile. “Thanks.” You took the bottle and already found it open, Beomgyu having done it before he sat down. He watched you take a sip, then another.

“Need you to drink like three of those in the next hour,” he said, dropping his focus to his feet. Licking your lips, you nodded, the thirst worsened. Taking the bottle to your lips you downed half of it without a breath. A soft laugh came out of him, only his chin turning to peek at you. “Good girl.”

You almost choked on the water, spilling some from the bottle as you lurched forward and laughed. Swallowing, you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand and capped the water, shaking your head. “You’re not allowed to say that,” you whispered before a cough, looking at him. He bit his bottom lip, fighting back a grin, a losing battle.

“Sorry,” he breathed. His gaze traveled down your neck, past your shoulders and to your legs where his head snapped away quickly, his attention on his hands that grasped one another between his knees. His thumbs fumbled with each other, his nails picking at the skin around the other that was already torn up.

Putting the water bottle in one hand, you placed the other on top of his, ceasing his subconscious self harming fidgets. You watched as he stared at your hand, completely frozen. Slowly, he took a deep breath. Dancing your thumb over the back of his hand, you feel his shift beneath yours, one flipping to lace his fingers within yours, his grip passionately tight.

You sit this way for a minute, hand in hand, quietly, his eyes fixed on where you held one another while yours studied his features.

“That was scary,” he whispered, the first one to break the comfortable silence. He looked at you, an adoration in his expression. His lips stayed parted, his teeth lightly nibbling the inside of them. 

With a small nod, you frowned. “Yeah.” It was all you could say. You were scared too, and angry, hurt, confused. Scared didn’t even cut it. Didn’t even come close.

“Stop going so hard,” he continued in a whisper. Unease settled in his brows. He bit his lip harder, pulling it between his teeth, the skin blushing where he assaulted it.

You released his hand, taking yours to his cheek, pulling at his lip with your thumb. “Gyu,” you said, hushed, leaning toward him, your knees bumping together. The inside of his lip was destroyed, there wasn’t another word for it, his teeth had him all cut up, the skin broken, close to bleeding if it hadn’t been prior. Your eyes met. “Stop hurting yourself,” you whispered, though you knew he didn’t do it on purpose.

You released his lip, the fullness popping up to meet the other. The air around you grew heavy, the stillness replaced by the sound of your beating hearts, heat building beneath your skin, turning more the longer you watched one another. The inches of space between you were closing in, your lips drawn together like magnets, meshing together softly like they were made for each other.

You kissed him twice. The first was chaste, and fast, like a secret you weren’t supposed to tell, but as soon as it’s shared the second is heated, breathless and uncontrolled. Dropping your hand to his shoulder, you slid it around his neck and drug your nails over his skin, pulling him closer. His hands smoothed over your legs, the feeling of him trying to figure out where to hold you only spurred the kisses on, his traveling fingers always touching you like it was the first time, wanting every bit of you all at once.

They lingered on the soft skin of the inside of your thigh as you pulled away from him, touching your lips with your fingers briefly before placing both of your hands over top of his.

“Beomgyu,” you sighed, averting your gaze to your hands. He was clueless as to how he made you feel, at least you assumed he was. You never told him what sparked in you that night, what was always tucked away within you from the first moment he ever made you laugh. The feeling that now fills you with dread, drowning you in shame.

He tucked his chin, dropping it to try to catch your eye, sensing you mentally pull away from him. “What’s wrong?”

Looking at him through your lashes, attentive and gorgeous, you gulped and sat up straight. “Thirsty,” you whispered, taking your hands off of his to grab the bottle you had sat on the concrete. His eyes lingered on you as he took his hands back, pulling them into his lap with a huff of a laugh. 

He bounced his knee a few times while you took a drink, staring at the stairs. Then, he took a breath and said, “He really is sorry, yanno?” 

Groaning as you swallowed your water, you elbowed his side. “Shut up.”

He gave you the same breathless laugh he had been since he sat down. “I’m serious, I’m not just saying that for his benefit. It’s fucked up what happened, but he… You know he’d never do it on purpose.”

Shaking your head, you crush the plastic in your hands. “Doesn’t matter if he did it on purpose, Gyu, he was careless like he always is, and one of these days it’s really gonna fuck one of us up, or both of us.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Beomgyu shrugged. “Maybe you needed something like this to happen.” The erratic look you gave him made him laugh, his actual laugh, the beautiful sound making you smile. “I mean , to wake you both up. You have so many people telling you both to chill, and you don’t listen. Me, Jungkook, your fuckin’ boss. I’m sure there’s others, and maybe there’ll be more in the future, but… I’m worried about you, kid.” He nudged your arm with his.

Smirking, you shook your head again. “Don’t call me kid, your brother calls me that,” you said. “You’re not that much older than me.”

“Eighteen days,” he narrowed his eyes with a devilish grin. He leaned toward you. “I got eighteen days on you, kid .” You couldn’t help but giggle as you shoved him, his own laughter contagious. “Listen,” he said after you both took a breath. He grasped your hand and smiled, looking toward you. “I just want you to be okay. I love you.” The words came out with a drop of his confidence, without hesitation. It wasn’t the first time you’ve heard it, he’s said it to you before.

But, as you whispered the words back to him, your voice shook. Your, “I love you, too”, meaning something entirely different now than it once had in the past.

He pursed his lips, studying you for the quickest, stress filled second before he stood up and offered you his hand. “C’mon,” he said, gesturing toward the row of rooms behind him. You took his hand and allowed him to hoist you up to your feet. “He’s a mess, he needs you.”

“Pretty sure I saw it down here.” Taehyun’s voice was quiet, the two of you stepping in the front door of the Extraviada like you were breaking into the place. Hand in hand he pulled you along, scanning the area thoroughly. The sun was setting and the outdoor lights were on, the ones inside the lobby equally as dim as the lights in the room you were staying in. “No one’s here.”

Whipping your head side to side, trailing behind him, having to take twice as many steps as him with his long legs, you laughed. “We’re not stealing, Tae,” you said.

“I know,” he chuckled, giving you a glance from over his shoulder. “I just feel like… I dunno.” 

You almost collided into his side as he turned suddenly, finding a hallway in the back of the lobby, one that extended to both ends of the motel, an indoor stairwell on each side. Brainless yesterday, you felt as if this was the first time you were seeing the inside of this place, mind blown by its classic beauty. He took you down the hallway to the left. 

“You feel like what?” you asked, enthralled by the concentration on his face. 

“I feel like…” his voice tapered off as he rounded another corner into the stairwell where two vending machines stood tall. “Hah!” His grin was admirable. “Told you.”

Leaning against the side of the machine, you smiled. “I wasn’t doubting you, I believed you.” 

“Did you, really?” he teased, fishing a wad of cash out of the back pocket of his jeans. The wink he gave you turned your cheeks pink, the first hour after waking up is always the easiest for him to get you.  

“You gonna tell me what you were gonna say?” Pushing your hair from your face, you watched as he fed the machine a couple dollars. Raising a brow, he gave you a quick look, then focused on what he was doing.

“What are you talking about?” He pressed a couple buttons and waited for the transaction to go through.

You gave him a once over, his messy hair and sleepy eyes. Everyone wore sleep in their eyes, even Taehyun, but he especially wore it on his lips. They appeared fuller than ever, puffier, pinker, taking over the slenderness of his face, the sharpness of his cheekbones.

“Nevermind,” you whispered, brushing the matter away with a wave of your hand. “I have cash upstairs, I’ll pay you back.” 

“You’re crazy,” he said, pulling the bag of snacks from the bottom of the machine, feeding it another dollar, pushing another button.

“Why? How?” You took the bags of snacks as he handed them over to you, buying one after the other. The look he gave you was tell enough.

“My girlfriend is not paying me for junk food from a vending machine,” he said in a silly voice, making you giggle again. “Besides, I owe you. Big time.” He moved over to the second machine and slipped the cash in, pressing the big buttons on the front, picking different drinks each time he gave up a couple dollars.

“You don’t… owe me,” you said quietly, jumping the slightest bit as the cans dropped into the slot. Taehyun simply looked at you, knowing how to say plenty without needing to. “Tae, we’re good, I promise you.”

Turning his head slowly, his eyes are the last thing to leave you. His fingers perused the drink options. “What do you think monster cock wants?”

The laughs left you both at the same time, your body colliding with his as you almost bent in half, squeezing your eyes shut. Gripping his arm you suck in a breath and audibly sigh, tipping your head backward.

“You’re nuts,” you tittered, pressing the button for a caffeinated drink. “He can have that. Knock him back out for a few more hours. Give him an attention deficit break.”

Taehyun smirked for all of two seconds, sharing a glance with you. “He seem okay to you?”

You shrugged, grabbing the drink as it tumbled out. “For the most part,” you said. “Besides the fidgets.”

“He always has those.”

“Yeah,” you sighed, shaking your head the slightest. “But, he… He’s hurting himself this time.”

Taehyun hit you with a side eye. “What are you talking about?”

Taking the drink he handed over to you, adding it to the collection in your arms, you mumbled, “The fidgets. They’re hurting him. His nails are all ripped apart, Tae, it’s like a nervous tic or something. The inside of his lip… I was looking at it last night, he’s chewed it all up.”

He took in everything you said, facing you, taking some of the things from your hands. “It’s not a nervous tic, you know that right?”

“Course, I just… It’s been a while since I’ve seen this happen to him.” 

He was rarely off his meds, he was always good about taking them. The only other time this has happened to this level was your sophomore year of high school, when his dad popped back into the picture briefly. 

Jonghyuk. Tall, handsome, chaotic like his youngest son, moved back to Soro, the town Beomgyu is from, the same town Haven is in, living in an apartment about ten minutes away from his kids. He was only there for a couple of months before he bailed for the third time, allegedly, but it was long enough to mess Gyu up. It took weeks to regulate him again, you were all lucky Jungkook still lived at home. He moved out to his own place by the end of that school year, once Beomgyu was back on track. None of them, not even Jihyo has heard from Jonghyuk since.

“How’d you catch his lip?” Taehyun asked, and you blinked.

“Huh?”

He hit you with a sly look. “You said the inside of his lip is messed up. I know he didn’t just show it to you, how’d you catch it?”

“Oh,” you mumbled, shrugging. “I told him to stop gnawing on it, and then I asked him to look ‘cause it looked like it hurt.” 

“Really?” Taehyun raised his brows. After you nod in response, he exhales. “‘Cause he told me he kissed you.” Your stomach sank to your knees.

“What?” you gasped, eyes going wide. “He told… When? I swear, I wasn’t trying to…”

“To lie?” A smirk grew on his lips as one of his hands reached to mess with your hair. “You coulda told me the truth, Baby. He didn’t actually say anything.”

Jaw agape, you shook your head, nervous. “Taehyun, I’m sorry, it’s not what you think.”

Stepping closer to you, he tucks his fingers beneath your chin and tips it up, leaning in to ghost his lips over yours. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “You know that. He’s here to be a part of everything, I wouldn’t have brought him if it wasn’t okay.”

“Okay,” you whispered, barely audible. 

Taehyun looked you over, then smiled, tilting his head to give you a kiss. “Okay,” he whispered, kissing you again.

The door to the stairwell pushed open and the two of you jumped a part, wide eyed. A panic shot through you, thinking you’d been caught, but then you remembered where you were. 

Habit.

The woman from the lobby yesterday was closing the door behind her, giving the two of you the sweetest smile. “I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice smooth. “Don’t mind me.” Acknowledging you, remembering your face, she looks between you and Taehyun, a curiosity growing before she hurried off down the hall into the lobby.

It took a few seconds for you and Taehyun to look at one another.

“Did that scare you like it scared me?” he asked hesitantly.

Pressing your lips into a tight line, you nodded. “Not used to PDA.”

“Seems you and Gyu are,” he said without missing a beat. Slumping your shoulders, you groaned, making him laugh. “I’m kidding.”

Reaching out a free hand you grazed your fingers over his bare arm and whispered, “What about all I said yesterday?” 

His eyes narrowed briefly. “What do you mean?” The way you looked at him answered his question. The way he averted his eyes to elsewhere in the tiny corner you were sheltered in seemed to answer yours.

“I knew it,” you huffed, dropping your arm, spinning on your heels to bound down the hallway toward the lobby.

“Wait!” Taehyun hurried right behind you, snatching your shoulder to tug you back. “Baby, stop.” 

Glaring down at the burnt orange tile you shrugged his hand off and turned toward him. Looking up at him, he wore the exact look he’d been wearing last night when you poured your heart out for him to shit all over. Gulping, afraid of what he may or may not say, you nodded.

“Go ahead.” Your voice trembled, your whisper breaking. His jaw fell open, his stunning lips unable to produce a sound aside from the sigh that escaped him. “Taehyun, what’s going on with you?” His mouth closed, perfect lips pursing as his brows softened. “Days ago, hours ago, you’re telling me how much you love me. You’re making these little comments about me and Gyu, like you have some sort of issue with it, but then tell me it’s all okay?”

His tongue ran over his teeth beneath his lips, his eyes finding the floor.

“I told you how I feel, I’m being honest with you.” You took a step closer to him. “I told you what I want. I dunno what’s changed in the last few days, but something is up. You can tell me, you can talk to me.”

“Nothing is up,” he whispered, meeting your wide, attentive eyes.

“Tae, I’ve known you since we were six.” The way he clenched his jaw made your stomach flip. “I think I know when something is up .” He didn’t respond, he only held your stare. “Are you really not gonna say anything?” You gave him a moment. A moment he didn’t take. “Is it what I said? Last night?” Silence. You dropped your voice to a whisper. “If not then it’s Beomgyu isn’t it?” 

There was a shift in his brow, one only you’d be able to pick up. You huffed a laugh, taking a step backward, away from him.

“Seriously?” Taking another step backward, you watched as he swallowed, hard. “You have every right to stop it,” you said in warning. “You know that, Tae. You’re the one who controls this thing, you know that.” He didn’t move, he was frozen where he stood. “Say it,” you taunted him, tipping your chin up with a smirk. 

You gave him every chance to open his mouth, every chance to speak his truth knowing where you were headed next. He didn’t say a word.

“Fine,” you sneered, turning with haste, heading out of the lobby, up the left stairwell to the third floor, and into your room.

The door was left unlocked when you and Taehyun left, leaving Beomgyu asleep in the bed next to yours. Awake until the hours of the morning, the three of you passed out around ten or eleven, you’re unsure exactly when. Now that the sun was setting on your second day here, of a weekend that was supposed to be fun , you’ve had it.

Dropping the snacks Taehyun bought on one of the dressers, you kicked off your shoes and rolled onto Beomgyu’s bed, where he was lying face down, the sheets covering his waist, his entire torso bare, his back exposed to you. He had his arms wrapped around a pillow, his face buried in it, gently tipped to the side. His shaggy hair covered his eyes, the waves leaving only his parted lips showered in the warm glow of the setting sun.

“Not getting up,” he groaned, his voice full of sleep, low and deep. It only encouraged you to climb over top of him, straddling his waist.

Dropping your body, your lips ghost over his shoulder, warm breath teasing his skin until you pressed a kiss to the top of his spine. “Wake up, Gyu,” you whispered with a smile, kissing him again. Grasping his shoulders, you dug your fingers into the muscles, coercing him conscious, dragging the tip of your tongue up his neck.

He arched into the mattress, a heavy breath pushed from his puffy, sleepy lips. “What’re you doing?” The words came out with a groan, his eyes finally fluttering open.

Heart thundering between your lungs, you breathed through a laugh. It wasn’t your intention to hurt anyone, but Taehyun could walk through that door at any second, if he had followed you back up from the lobby, and he’d be able to see this happen. You wanted him to see this happen, to watch. You wanted to know what would make him snap.

“You, Gyu,” you whispered, planting an open mouthed kiss to his neck, letting your teeth graze over the skin you pulled between your lips. 

He sighed, the end twisted with a sound that shot straight through you. “Taehyun?” he asked, lifting his head, voice projecting out into the room like he expected him to be nearby. Another drag of your tongue over his neck had him rolling onto his back under you, his hands grabbing your waist to keep you straddled over his hips. Slipping one into your hair, fingers gripping the strands to keep your lips on him, he sighed and said, “He’s not here.”

“Shut up,” you mumbled, gripping his jaw, catching his lips in a kiss just as he was about to repeat himself, or say something that would stop this entirely. Sitting up, taking you with him, his kisses were lazy, he was still tired, half asleep.

Sliding your fingers into his waves you tugged rough, making him gasp, his lips parting just enough for you to slip your tongue between them. Chest to chest, you could feel his own heart pounding beneath his smooth olive skin.

He was so much easier to wind up than Taehyun.

Beomgyu squeezed your waist and then slid his hands over the curve of your ass, fingers pressing into the skin that peeked out under your shorts. Bringing his palms over your thighs, his thumbs drug over the inside of your hips, drawing slow circles over the sensitive skin, inches away from where he wanted you most.

With a sigh you parted from his lips, pressing your forehead to his, his dark hair brushing over his lashes. Dragging your nails over his scalp, the act so soothing, and so intimate with how his hands palmed your skin, he took a shaky breath and gave you a small shake of his head. Arching further into his chest, rolling your hips over his, you smirked.

“All I did was kiss you, Gyu,” you whispered, brushing your lips over his. 

He caught them in a deeper kiss and groaned, muttering from behind his teeth, “All you gotta do is look at me and m’ready to fuck.”

 A laugh came from you, breathless, the sound catching in your throat as Beomgyu slipped a hand into your shorts, dragging the tip of his middle finger over your slick center. 

The corners of his lips pricked up into a half lazy smile. “All I did was kiss you,” he whispered, then plunged two of his fingers deep into you, jaw falling open as he pressed his lips to yours, drinking up the disgusting sounds that fell from your mouth. Swirling your hips in a circle you grind against his fingers, the two digits not giving you nearly enough. Slinging your arms around his neck, not an inch of space between the two of you, you tip your head back, groaning as his lips dropped, teeth nipping at your neck. 

The door to the room opened, neither you nor Beomgyu reacting to it. As it shut, the sound of a quiet laugh came from Taehyun, and then the sound of him putting things down. You moved your hips faster, quicker, praying you’d come undone as fast as you had yesterday while he stood right behind you and watched you bounce on his best friend's fingers while he tore up the delicate skin beneath your jaw.

Rolling your body into Beomgyu’s, moaning louder than you have, you put on the best show, and it entices your high to spark quicker, Beomgyu’s too, but it wouldn’t happen. Even as he curled his fingers inside you, it wouldn’t happen. You don’t even know how long you stayed this way, how many purple marks Beomgyu littered on your skin, how many times you almost got there, only to have it chased away.

“Need more,” you whimpered, tugging at the strands of dark hair that hung at the nape of his neck. Without another word he had his hands attached to the waist of your shorts, pulling them off as he laid your back on the bed, flipped the wrong way on the mattress. The way Taehyun had flipped you days ago. A crack shot through your heart as you caught a glimpse of him, leaning against the wall with his arms folded over his chest, eyes dark, glaring at you.

He could stop it if he wanted. He had all of the power to put an end to it. If it bothered him that bad, he would. He would stop it, and he’d be honest with you about it. He wouldn’t stand here, watching, uncomfortable in his jeans.

Beomgyu brushed his lips over yours, silencing whatever you were about to say to Taehyun, your jaw having opened once you spotted him. Letting your hands slide down his body, taking your time to admire every muscle, you tugged down his shorts and helped him out of them, tossing them to the floor beside your own.

He glanced at his best friend, the quickest look with the sweetest face. Wide, unfocused, half awake eyes, lips glistening with a slick that wasn’t his own, breath heaving through how they were parted. He hovered right above you where you caressed his shoulder with a kiss so gentle it makes him gasp, sucking in the air through bared teeth. 

You assumed Taehyun gave him his blessing. Beomgyu wasted little time, didn’t wait for you to object, and pushed into you, latching his lips to your jaw. Chest rising to meet his as you lost the air in your lungs, the sound you let out, surprise mixed with a need to get used to the stretch, had Beomgyu brushing his nose to yours.

“You good?” he rasped, eyebrows nestled over his dark brown eyes, gazing into your own that threatened to tear. A small nod wasn’t enough. “Words, kid,” he growled. It took everything in him to hold back from pistoling himself into you.

Narrowing your eyes, you groaned. “Don’t… call me that.”

He smirked. Answer enough.

A snap of his hips had you throwing your head backward onto the mattress, eyes squeezed shut with a mouthful of curses, Beomgyu using the new space to ensure both sides of the skin of your neck matched. Your nails dug into his back, leaving skinny red lines where they clawed between his shoulder blades. Pulling a knee up his side, hooking it around his waist, you held him close, clinging to him, pushing away every single idiotic thought your very own heart tried to feed you.

Clasping a hand to the back of his head, knitting your fingers through his hair, a piece of you yearned to stay here. In his arms, beneath his warmth, him buried in your own, exchanging whatever kind of feelings constantly lived between the two of you. An act that started as something fun, something you’d watch on your phone screen in the dead of the night with Taehyun’s hand between your legs whispering sweet nothings about how that could be you . It was a birthday present. It was supposed to be a one time thing. It wasn’t supposed to turn into this. Unspoken feelings. An intricate, torturous, tangled triangle you wished to be rid of. A mess.

Fluttering your eyes open, a tear slipped down your cheek, one Taehyun’s scowl softened at as you looked at him. The red hot anger that radiated off of him, filling the room with his negative energy, had begun to dissipate, worsening the tug on your heart. The grimace he wore was replaced with that look. That look.

His, I love you , look. His, I love you but you just dropped a bomb on this relationship , look. I love you, but I can’t give you what you want, and you know that. You know we can’t go past this, we can’t have the future you’ve dreamt of for a year now. Even though I think I dream of it too… We can’t have it. We’ll never be able to have it. It will never be ours.

He wore his confession on his face. His regret. Despair.

It shattered through you. Breaking your heart.

Barely reaching a hand over your head toward him, he dropped to his knees in an instant, leaning over the bed by your side. Wrapping his hand around yours, he came close, his nose barely touching yours when you turned your head. Squeezing your hand tight, he took his other to your cheek, brushing away the tears that fell, ghosting his lips over yours, taking in the sounds that still fell from your lips. 

He was right. No matter how you really felt in this moment, Beomgyu made you sound like no other.

Fingertips dancing over your skin, you blinked away the tears and relished in his warmth. His presence. Holding onto the way he watched you, the way he held your hand, the way he touched you. With care, with love, with intent.

“Tae,” you managed to whisper.

He shook his head. “Shhh,” he hushed, giving you a gentle kiss. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” His voice was quiet. His focus entirely on you, the way you writhed beneath a best friend he swore he wasn’t jealous of. “He making you feel good?” You managed a hurried nod, teeth clamping down onto your bottom lip. Taehyun smiled. “I bet,” he said, kissing you before you gasped, Beomgyu having pushed your knees back into the mattress. His smile settled into a smirk. “Oh, Baby, I know,” his lips formed a pretty pout, leaning closer to you to brush his nose against yours, whispering, “I know.”

On the carpeted floor at the end of Beomgyu’s bed you sat with your knees tucked close to your chest, arms wrapped around them, chin laying on one. The room was quiet, the only sound that of the outdoors, but even then, it was silent. It was dark, the sun having set ages ago, when you were pressed to Taehyun's bare chest while Beomgyu’s hands gripped your waist. It felt like hours, time dragging on where you begged it to never end.

Drinks were shared, beers cracked open, wine coolers chugged, and after you’d all had your fill, it was back into bed, the alcohol fuel to the fire. Between them, where you always seemed to be whether they shared a kiss or not, Taehyun’s mind was wiped, much like your own. It was as if the hours before had never happened, the words never shared. Words he never spoke.

As your heart beat in your chest, a steady thump you could feel, it was all you could think about. Digging your fingers into your arms, gripping with a vengeance, like you were trying to rip his touch from your skin, you fought away the urge to cry. There had been too much of that this weekend. This weekend of fun .

This weekend of fun, your escape from the cage you lived within, it was fun, it was supposed to be fun . If you were home you’d be doing the same exact thing, definitely. You’d just be on the couch in Beomgyu’s basement or between your own sheets, a boy on either side of you. Back home you’d be dodging your mothers eyes, or clinking a glass with Beomgyu’s, Jihyo letting you drink as long as you slept there. Back home, upstairs in your room, you’d be clamping your hand down on Beomgyu’s mouth, sharing quiet laughs with Taehyun because you thought you heard someone coming upstairs.

No one was ever coming upstairs.

None of it made any fucking sense. Standing up slowly, only a smidge of tipsy leftover, you groaned and threw a hand between your legs as that familiar feeling manifested. Taking a deep breath you shut your eyes for a brief second, willing the shame away with a quick shrug of your shoulders.

The boys were downstairs in the parking lot, the two of them excusing themselves from the room to smoke, leaving you behind to dress and take care of yourself. They invited you, they asked if you wanted to come down with them, but you declined, using the need for sleep excuse. You needed to be rid of them both for a moment, something you didn’t even want to admit to yourself. You’ve never said something like that about either of them.

Sober, you didn’t know what the hell you were involved with at this point, and now, when you’re not sober, you suffer the same plague. After all the drinks you'd expected your mind to clear, as it seemed Taehyun’s had, but even during the drinks, in the middle of it all, they only seemed to worsen.

Slipping into your shoes you adjusted the strap of your tank on your shoulder and tugged at the bottom of your shorts, unsure of why you felt the need to hide yourself. Moving outside, closing the door behind you gently to not disturb the quiet night, you walked out to the edge of the walkway and looked down into the parking lot. Sure enough, both of them were in the back of the Jeep, the gentle melody of their chatter carrying up to you where you stood on the third story.

They were illuminated by the strings of lights hanging outside the Extraviada, the Jeep wasn’t on. Passing a joint back and forth to one another they laughed. Taehyun had his feet on the seat, his arms resting along the ledge of his Jeep, his back toward you. On the other side Beomgyu was lounging backward, his legs thrown over the passenger seat with his head rocked back on the ledge like it had been when you were driving here. 

The joint was passed a couple of times, and each time he sunk down further, becoming more comfortable as time passed. You adored him when he smoked, he turned into a mushy, cuddly, clingy boy. Handsy already, it skyrocketed when he was high. He got comfortable, he relaxed, he was calm.

Beneath the yellow lights he glowed. His long dark hair wavy as ever, brushing over his eyes as he smiled at Taehyun, flashing him his lazy, sideways smile after a laugh. And then, he looked up at you. Cheeks flushing, feeling like you’d just been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing, you were frozen. The tilt of his chin paralyzed you. His smile shifting to something softer made you sick. 

Pushing away from the bannister, you took many steps backward, bumping into the door to your room. Sliding down onto the floor, cradling yourself with your arms, you bring your bottom lip between your teeth and bite back the tears. 

It could be so simple, but it’s not. You could easily make a decision where one doesn’t need to be made, and it’d be fixed, but you can’t. If you could you’d rewind the clock and never agree to them that night, but you can’t. You were stuck this way. All three of you knew you were stuck this way, and no one was going to say a word. No one had the guts to.

Down the pavement another door swung open, the sound of it hitting the wall echoing into the open air of the night. Two voices shouted into the darkness before they appeared, and your stomach twisted when you saw who it was.

The woman, the one with the stunning smile, and the man, the couple who appeared as happy as ever, were screaming at one another, words you couldn’t even make out. Maybe you were more tipsy than you thought you were. The woman’s hands flew a mile a minute as she shouted things at him, through cries, sobs that mimicked how you felt inside. Rage, red hot rage. The grit in her voice told you everything you needed to know. The man couldn’t even give anything back, his only response was the slamming of the door.

With a frustrated half scream, the woman spun on her feet and bounded down the concrete path, tears in her eyes, streaming down her perfectly smooth cheeks. Passing by you before she flew down the stairs, she eyed you, shook her head, clenched her jaw and muttered, “Men suck.”

And then she was gone.

Blinking through your tears, you gulped, ruminating over what she had said. Thinking of the two in the Jeep, the two beautiful loves of your life… You disagreed. 

~ july 4th, 2011 ~

“Gyu, get up, we’re here.”

Taehyun turned onto a vacant street, the comfort in the homes a sight you needed to see. Glancing into the backseat at the boy splayed across the cushions fast asleep, Taehyun sighed, mumbling something under his breath. He took his hand that was clasped tightly in yours, and reached behind him, smacking him a couple of times.

“He’s gonna hate his life when he wakes up,” you said softly, giving Taehyun a small smile. He returned it, then pulled to the left of the street, parking behind one of the only cars on the road, an older blue sports car. “Who’s this?” Studying the car, you gave Taehyun a look.

He frowned, unbuckling his seatbelt. “I have no idea,” he muttered, giving the car a once over before he turned around in his seat and shook Beomgyu with vigor. “Gyu!”

A dramatic groan fell from the boys parted lips, his eyebrows furrowing. “No,” he spat.

“We’re at Jungkook’s, do you want him to see you like this?” Taehyun asked, and Beomgyu’s eyes sprung open, bloodshot and glassy. Sitting up, he pushed his messy hair from his face and squinted in the sunlight.

“Oh, shit,” he whispered, staring out the windshield. You and Taehyun followed his eyes. He was staring at the car.

“Who is it?” you asked, looking back at him.

Toying with his bottom lip between his fingers, he blinked a few times and sighed. “My cousin,” he said. “The one who went to rehab. The sober one.”

Taehyun breathed, and nodded. “Hyunjin.”

The story was familiar. Hyunjin was an alcoholic, at least a former one, years ago. You’ve met him a couple times, once at a party at Beomgyu’s house with his family, and then again at Haven while you were working with Dina. He and your boss were good friends, they met each other at the bar when Hyunjin was going through the pits.

It wasn’t entirely weird he was here, he was Jungkook’s older cousin, they were allowed to hang out without an ulterior motive. However, with the way all of your eyes shifted over one another after Taehyun muttered his name, you couldn’t help but wonder if he was here because of one of you. Beomgyu had called his brother the first night in Contramano… Did Jungkook set something up? Was Hyunjin here to talk you, or one of you into something?

Slapping both of his cheeks, Beomgyu then rubbed his eyes and smoothed out his hair. Licking his lips, he sat up straight and took a deep breath. “How do I look?”

“Hungover,” Taehyun said flatly.

“Like hell,” you mumbled at the same time.

Another groan came out of him, his shoulders slumping. “I’m in deep shit.”

“No one told you to chug everything we had left last night,” Taehyun snickered, hiding most of his smile as he pushed open his door and jumped onto the asphalt. Following suit, you swallowed your grin and hopped out of the Jeep.

Beomgyu sighed, every type of vocal discomfort leaving his exhausted self. “There’s no way in hell we were bringing it back,” he said, climbing over the center console, sliding off the passenger seat onto the ground next to you. He caught himself on his feet and slammed the door shut. “Couldn’t believe we had anything left, what’s wrong with us? We can slam all of that in one night, we’re getting weak.”

Taehyun scoffed, eyeing the two of you as you rounded the black Wrangler and stepped up onto the cracked sidewalk. The grass in front of Jungkook’s was slightly overgrown, the house having the same lived-in charm as his childhood home.

“Says the one who told us to stop going so hard,” you mumbled under your breath, watching Taehyun shake his head.

He reached over to Beomgyu and nudged his shoulder, the boy almost toppled backward. “Don’t slam my doors,” he grilled through his teeth, then started up the driveway to the front door.

Two cars were parked on the tan concrete, both fitting right in with the scenery around you. They were beat up, worn, and definitely old. One looked somewhat better than the other, the Volkswagen Cabriolet, your favorite of Jungkook’s cars. It was white, and mostly clean, but showed its age much like the sports car in the street did.

With a quick glance back to it you suppose it made sense for both of the older men to drive cars like this, especially with what they did for work. Hyunjin owned a garage here in Soro and Jungkook’s worked there ever since he was seventeen. They were typical car guys, and they definitely took pride in their work.

Stepping into the house right into a living room with the coziest brown couches, a mere ten feet away was the doorway to the kitchen, where the voices were coming from. It smelled like coffee and cigarettes. It smelled like Jungkook. Taking a long deep breath, you let the scent wrap around you, pulling you into the softest hug. This place was safe. It always has been.

To the left of the room was the stairs, a slightly twisted flight of stairs that would take one up to the two bedrooms that you’ve slept in before, both you and Taehyun. And Beomgyu, of course. There were many nights your best friend would spend here instead of living at home. Though the homes were twenty minutes away from one another, it didn’t shock anyone he’d find more peace here under his brothers roof.

“Who’s here?” A deep, chilling, yet smooth voice called from the kitchen as the front door shut behind you three. Beomgyu, sulking behind Taehyun as if to hide himself, pushed him by the shoulders to keep going. Taehyun reached behind him and slapped his arm, Beomgyu’s grunt echoing through the room. Laughter came from the kitchen, then a shuffling of feet.

Almost shoulder length curly black hair appeared in the doorway, the glint of his lip ring all too familiar. His small, toothy smile struck you first, his warm eyes looking over all of you. He wore a white tank, one he’d usually be seen in in the garage at work, and worn blue jeans hanging low on his hips. The tattoo’s that littered his arms and fanned onto his chest always intrigued you, and when he wore clothes like this, it was hard to look away. Jungkook was Beomgyu’s big brother, and he was entirely too pretty. The perfect mix of beauty and pure grit.

His melodic laugh blessed your ears. “What’d you just wander off the street? Get in here.” With a nod of his head he invited you in, Taehyun taking the lead. Circling the couches, he grabbed Jungkook's hand, the eldest pulling him into a hug. Beomgyu took sanctuary behind you, hanging his head low. “Where’ve you losers been?”

“Contramano,” Taehyun said, and Jungkook’s eyes went wide.

“You’re brave,” he said, shifting his eyes to you. He took your hand and knit his fingers within yours, giving it a gentle shake as his gaze welcomed you. You expected him to hug you as well, but when it came to girls you realized Jungkook had some type of respect, never pushing any boundary no matter who you were or how well he knew you. “Contramano’s ridiculous. Can make shit happen you didn’t even know could happen.”

Glancing quickly at Taehyun who glanced quickly at you, you both looked away just as fast.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jungkook’s gaze fell on his brother trying to hide behind you even though he was just as tall as him. Beomgyu, with his head down, shrugged his shoulders. Stepping close to him he placed a hand beneath his chin, gripping his jaw, and lifted his head. “You high or somethin’?”

Beomgyu swatted his brother away with both of his hands, making contact with his bare arms. Shaking his head, his hair falling over his eyes, he backed away and curled his lip. “So what if I am, you usually are.”

A genuine smile graced Jungkook’s heart shaped lips, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “Usually,” he shrugged, then laughed toward Taehyun, “Just not at noon on a Monday.”

“He drank a lot last night,” Taehyun said quietly. Jungkook voiced his understanding with a hum, folding his arms over his chest, the muscles tightening. You snuck a quick look at the art. Doing another once over of his brother, Jungkook shook his head.

“I get it,” he sighed. Shifting his gaze over to you checking him out, he smiled. “Who stuck you with him, huh?” Sucking in a breath, snapping your eyes to his, you couldn’t do anything but give him a half hearted laugh. “I’m kidding,” he whispered, slightly bowing his head with a smirk before he turned into the kitchen. “Come on, children, we’ll nurse you back to health. Y’all look like you’ve been rotting away for days.”

Rolling his head backward, Beomgyu groaned and followed Taehyun who sauntered after Jungkook. Blinking a few times, you glanced down at your clothes and smoothed out the shirt you were wearing, thanking a god or something, that it wasn’t dirty or see through. Tucking your hair behind your ears, you run your hands along your face and wipe beneath your eyes, willing away the appearance of grime. Your last shower was two days ago, when the boys came upstairs from their smoke break.

Not feeling an ounce confident in how you looked, you followed where the boys disappeared to, walking into the small kitchen where Jungkook was handing out glasses of water. Passing one to his brother, he made another and gave it to you with a smile. His signature smile was the complete opposite of his brothers. It was bright, and welcoming, and didn’t make you want to rip his clothes off like his brothers did.

“Thanks,” you said softly, gripping the glass. Beomgyu took a seat at the table, a wooden circle with three matching chairs around it. He sat down beside a tall, lanky figure who you most definitely remember. Taking in his appearance now, it’d be incredibly hard to forget him.

He was older, fifteen years older than Jungkook, but didn’t look a day over thirty. Brown slender eyes graced his porcelain skin, right above the sweetest button nose and pink lips that were fuller than Beomgyu’s. His cheeks were round and his jaw sharp, his cheekbones peeking through the suppleness of his skin. The straight black hair he’s always seemed to have hung at his shoulders, flipping out at the ends, small layered pieces falling onto his cheeks as he moved. Taking the short hairs between long, skinny fingers, he tucked them behind his ear, smiling at you.

“Hey,” he said, his voice low, yet full of youth. “How are you?”

A slight shrug of your shoulders is all you can muster up. That, and a small, “Alright.”

Hyunjin’s smile grew, then he looked over at Beomgyu who was seconds away from dropping his head onto the table. Looking back at his cousin, Gyu took a deep breath.

“Go ahead,” he grumbled. “Let me hear it.” Hyunjin answered him with a head shake. Beomgyu blinked. “...What?”

Hyunjin sat back in his chair, extending his long legs underneath the table. The dark blue jeans he wore stretched with him. “What do you want me to say, Beomgyu?”

“I… I don’t know, JK always tells me that if you see me like this you’ll gimme a lecture,” Beomgyu’s voice had dropped, his intensity breaking as his cousin turned to face him completely. Hyunjin reached an arm covered by long black sleeves toward him and held onto his wrist.

“There's nothing I can say or do that will make you stop,” he began, his tone remaining soft the entire time he spoke to him. 

Leaning against the counter behind you, Taehyun found a place beside you, your elbows bumping together. Jungkook found a spot across the kitchen at the other counters, his eyes heavy on his brother. 

“You’re twenty, you can’t even legally drink, what do you want me to say? You want me to tell you that it ruined my life? That drinking almost killed me? That it took years for me to get completely sober? I almost lost… everything. The life I have now, the life I fought really fucking hard for, I almost lost.” The room was silent. Beomgyu watched his cousin in adoration. “Ten years. It’s been ten years and I haven’t even had a sip . Best thing I could have ever fucking done for myself and the people I loved.”

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Taehyun turn his attention to his glass. He pulled his arms over his chest and perched his lips on the rim of the cup. Moving the hand that held your glass closer to him, you lifted a finger and drug it over his shoulder before shrinking back into your personal space.

“The three years before were hell,” Hyunjin continued. Focusing back on his gorgeous figure, you catch Jungkook’s eye. He was watching you, and the second you saw him he looked to his cousin. “You know that, I’ve told you before. The three years between deciding to get sober, to get better, and actually having to follow through? Almost killed me as much as the actual drinking.” Beomgyu cracked a small laugh right after Hyunjin did. “Biggest reason why I did it,” he paused, and pointed to the floor above, a grin growing on his face.

The smile wiped off Beomgyu's face. “Okay, well, I don’t have kids,” he grumbled, sitting back, crossing his arms. “I don’t even want ‘em.”

“You don’t know that yet,” Hyunjin said, lips tight. “I said the same exact thing. Then, he was born and I wasn’t allowed to see him. I wasn’t allowed to be in the same room as him. A year and a half passed and I finally got to see him, but I wasn’t allowed to be alone with him for another year. You don’t know what that feels like.”

“I don’t wanna know what that feels like,” Beomgyu spat. “So, I’m not having them.”

“Unfortunately shit happens, Beomgyu,” Hyunjin almost whispered. “People do stupid things when they’re fucked up.”

“Is this a rehab talk or a wrap it before you tap it talk,” Beomgyu sat forward, voice echoing through the room as he sighed. His eyes met yours for a brief second, his breath catching in his throat. “What do you want me to do?”

Hyunjin relaxed back like he once was, and smoothed his hands over his lap. “Nothing, Beomie. You’re not here for a lecture. Neither are your friends.” Hyunjin smiled at you, his eyes flickering between you and Taehyun for a little too long. Feeling your cheeks warm, you quickly took a sip of water, hoping to cool your skin.

“You’re not having kids,” Jungkook said, speaking up from where he stood at the counter. Beomgyu’s eyes softened as he looked at his brother. “But, I am.” Your stomach flipped, both you and Taehyun jumping where you stood. You almost choked on the water you were drinking. “She’s gonna be here soon, and you know I’m doing everything I can to make sure I get her. I want her to have her uncle, I can’t do it alone.”

Beomgyu’s expression didn’t falter. “That’s why you have him,” he gestured to Hyunjin, “You don’t need me. You guys have more in common, I keep my dick in my pants unlike the other men in this family.”

More than just your cheeks warmed this time.

Jungkook tipped his chin back, maintaining his composure, or doing his best to. Hyunjin simply smiled. Your heart sank as he side eyed you briefly.

“Beomgyu, this wasn’t supposed to turn into this, I really wish you would-”

He cut Jungkook clean off, sending his chair back with force as he stood to his feet. “Are you kidding, you so did this on purpose! You’re always pulling shit like this, I swear, I can never just live, JK.” Beomgyu’s red hot glare found Taehyun. “What, did he tell you we were coming here? You know, I wouldn’t be surprised, Tae, you’ve had a stick up your ass all weekend, this was what you wanted!” 

Holding out his hand he flipped him the finger. “Yanno, all you had to tell me was to stop, right? Those are the rules? That’s how it goes? Taehyun says go, Taehyun says stop? You looked pretty pissed Saturday, yanno we never talked about it. Bet you didn’t say yes.”

“Gyu,” Taehyun said, calm as ever, but his tone didn’t calm him down. You’re certain his voice could be heard to anyone passing by outside.

“She’s going through it, too,” Beomgyu gestured to you. “She won’t say it to me, but she is. What’s your problem?” He turned to Hyunjin. “If anyone should be getting this talk, it’s him.”

“Beomgyu, enough!” Jungkook raised his voice. His brother froze, rage boiling beneath his skin, turning his cream colored cheeks pink.

At his side, his right hand tightened into a fist, his knuckles going white. Sucking in a breath, you couldn’t put your glass down fast enough. With a scream Beomgyu launched his fist backward into the wall, hard enough to crack the sheetrock. Then, he was gone. The front door opened and slammed shut in a flash.

Hyunjin eyed Jungkook, and the tatted boy did the same right back. Jungkook glanced at the hole in his wall, and sighed.

Eyes wide, jaw locked in disbelief, you couldn’t believe not a single one of them was going after him. Waiting a few seconds for somebody to do something, preferably one of the adults in the room, one that Beomgyu was blood related to, you realized they weren’t moving. Pushing a breath of bafflement from your lips, you bolted toward the living room, but Taehyun grabbed onto your wrist before you got too far.

“Where are you going?” he muttered. The look in his eyes told you everything. Beomgyu’s words had gotten to him.

Pulling your wrist from his hold, you narrowed your eyes. “To help him.”

Rushing through the living room, pushing away the urge to turn around, you leave the house and head back into the hot summer air. Pulling the door shut quietly, you could see Beomgyu sitting on the curb across the street with his head in his hands. Keeping your steps quiet, steadying your breathing to ease your pounding heart, you took your time as you approached him. 

He put a hole in the wall. You’ve never seen him do anything like that before, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little scared.

“Gyu?” You kept your voice soft, pausing in the street a few steps in front of him.

His hair was pulled through his fingers, tugging on it roughly, his knuckles still white. Knees pressed together for his elbows to sit on, he was shaking his head ever so gently. 

“Beomgyu,” you tried again, coming closer to him. “Are you okay?”

Dropping his hands, his hair a mess, he sniffled. Tears stained his cheeks, his face screwed up as he cried. He didn’t meet your eyes, he only continued to shake his head. Breathing away your tears, unable to stand the sight of him crying, you stepped closer and crouched in front of him, shoving your hands between your thighs.

“I don’t know what to say to you right now,” you whispered. Beomgyu sniffled again.

“Don’t say… anything,” he whispered back, finally looking at you. “It’s not worth it.” His chin crinkled. “I’m not worth it.”

“Gyu,” your tone hardened. “You don’t mean that.”

He took his hands under his eyes and did a shitty job at wiping his tears. “Yes, I do.” He half laughed and shrugged his shoulders, looking at you like he couldn’t believe you didn’t get it. “You think whatever anyone says is gonna stick with me?” A shaky breath ripped through him. “I’ll get better, I always do.” He locked his jaw and thinned his lips. He hesitated before a grim shake of his head. “And then it happens all over again.”

Gulping, realizing you did understand, you shrugged. “You just have to get back on track with your meds. It’ll get better then. They help you.”

Something shifted in his eyes. “They make me a zombie,” he whispered. “I can’t… feel anything when I’m on them.”

“You can’t control anything when you’re off them,” you offered quietly, praying it wouldn’t set him off. “Is the feeling worth this?”

He was quiet for a moment. A long moment, taking you in. The gears spun in his brain, you could nearly see the steam pouring out of his ears. Licking his lips, he sighed, and whispered, “It’s worth it.”

“Gyu, you can’t just…” your voice trailed off as you watched him, gazing back at you, his tears drying. His breath was steady, his hands weren’t shaking, the color returned to his knuckles, his right hand now with a small gash over his middle finger.

“I love you, you know,” he said, voice soft. The words smacked you across the face, your lips parting at his forwardness.

“I… I know,” you whispered.

Beomgyu’s chin dropped, but his eyes stayed glued to yours. “No… I love you like you love me.”

“Stop.” The word fell from your lips before you could think. Standing to your feet, the nausea you’ve felt days prior began to wash over you once more. Looking around you, focusing on the trees, the grass, the cars parked in front of Jungkook’s, you did your best to calm your beating heart.

I love you like you love me.

The words weren’t spoken. You’ve exchanged I love you’s before, it was normal for the two of you. The crush you’ve developed was kept a secret, you held it in to protect both of your boys. For god sake, you call them both of your boys. Maybe it wasn’t as well kept a secret as you thought.

Shaking your head you looked down at him. Beomgyu was gazing up toward you, his eyes wide, his brows flipped. He nearly wore a pout on his lips. 

“You wanna talk feeling ? You know what that feels like?” he asked.

“It hurts,” you said, tone sharp.

Beomgyu sighed. “Hurts so good.”

Wrenching your eyes shut, you swallowed hard, forcing down the lump in your throat. There was no way in hell this was happening right now.

“Full disclosure,” he started, standing up, towering over you, “You’re his.”

The two words were enough. They said everything. Nothing was going to change, your life would continue on this way. That is until you’re no longer his , and that thought alone hurt even worse. You would always be his . You always wanted to be his .

The front door to Jungkooks opened. A boy about five and a half feet tall was shutting the door. He looked to be around fourteen years old, he was scrawny as ever. In a t-shirt and jeans, his Nike sneakers were brand new, the white on them extra sleek. His hair was brown and long, hanging at his shoulders. When he turned you were met with an exact replica of the man sitting inside at the kitchen table. 

This boy's eyes were a bit bigger though, rounder, and his facial structure was more defined, not at all how a fourteen year old’s face should look. It was like him and his fathers cheeks had been swapped. There was no baby in this child’s face at all.

The silky straight hair flipped to the side blew in the wind as he started toward the two of you, the teenager folding his hands in front of him, worry warped in his brows. 

“Gyu?” His voice was incredibly gentle. He spoke like every word had meaning, like everything he said made an impact. “What happened, are you okay?” 

Taking a step back as he crossed the street, you admired the peace that seemed to follow this boy, serenity trapped in his aura. Beomgyu’s entire being reached for him, you could feel it. His rigid edges softened. He opened his arms and the teenager fell into them, his own arms wrapping around Beomgyu’s back, tight. His head rested right over Beomgyu’s heart, he wasn’t as tall as him yet, but if you were right about who this was you knew he would grow even taller than the boy he was hugging one day. His father was a giant.

“I’m okay,” Beomgyu said quietly, rubbing the teenagers back. “I didn’t think you were here.” A bullshit bluff. Hyunjin implied he was in the house. “What were they saying about me?”

“Nothing,” the child breathed. “I mean, they said you were upset, so I came to find you. My dad says that when we’re upset, if we hug for twenty seconds, then our hearts forget to worry.”

Beomgyu smiled something small. “He’s smart. Are you counting?”

The teenager squeezed him. “No,” he admitted. “You sounded really upset, you need more than twenty seconds.” Beomgyu’s smile faltered, and he held the boy tighter, letting his chin dip down to rest over his hair.

“I’m with my dad’s until the end of the week, it’s summer,” the boy said. “Mom doesn’t really care in the summer, she’s more worried about my sisters. Will you hang out with me? Before I leave?”

“Of course,” Beomgyu whispered. He took a quick peek at you, trying not to smile at the way you were watching them, eyes full of love. “And for the record, she should be more worried about your sisters, they’re a mess.”

The boy's laugh sounded an awful lot like Beomgyu’s. “They just love what they do.”

“Well, they’re too serious about it.”

“You can blame their dad,” the boy said. “He wanted them to dance, just like he does. He teaches them now.”

Beomgyu looked down at the boy and made sure he looked back at him. Taking his chin in his hands he gave his jaw the gentlest shake as he said, “I blame Minho for a lot of things.” And they laughed, genuinely, both of them. A joke you didn’t need to be on the inside of.

“Jeonghan!” Hyunjin’s voice came from the house as he left Jungkook behind in the doorway after a shake of his hand and a pat on his shoulder. The boy in Beomgyu’s arms whirled around at the sound of his father and smiled. “Let’s go,” he said as he got closer to the sidewalk, heading toward the blue sports car parked in front of the Jeep.

Jeonghan faced Beomgyu one more time and held up a pinky. “Promise you’ll hang out with me?”

Beomgyu looked at it, then grabbed it with his pinky and shook. “Promise. Don’t let your dad sucker me into a free therapy session, though.”

Jeonghan laughed, dropping his hand as he backed away from Beomgyu. “Then we have to hang out here, you know he does it no matter what, it’s his job.” The boy looked at you and gave you a small wave, clamming up all of a sudden like he had forgotten you were there. You returned the wave and he blushed, smiling at Beomgyu. “She’s pretty.”

Your cheeks flushed as Beomgyu snickered, shaking his head.

“Here,” Hyunjin said to his son as he got closer to the car. Tossing his cell phone over the roof, Jeonghan caught it expertly well. “Answer Felix, please,” his tone was exasperated, “Maybe he’ll tell you what he wants to eat.”

Jeonghan pressed a button and put the phone to his ear, opening the passenger door. “Hi, Dad,” he said, sliding into the seat, giving Beomgyu one last smile before he disappeared behind the shut door and tinted windows.

Hyunjin waited outside the car for a second, sharing a look with Beomgyu. It wasn’t disapproving, nor was it condescending. It was support, and strength, and love, pure love. Beomgyu knew this too, otherwise he wouldn’t have bobbed his head when Hyunjin pointed a finger toward him and motioned for him to call him. He then pointed into the car and smiled.

“Twenty seconds?” he questioned, already knowing the answer.

Beomgyu smirked. “More like sixty and some change.”

Hyunjin shook his head, scoffing. “Where’d he come from, seriously?”

“Uh… You did that,” Beomgyu gestured toward the car. Hyunjins expression settled into a soft smile. “Three years of hell… Ten years of… Yeah. You did a good job.”

Hyunjin glanced at you. “Don’t be a stranger, yeah?” You nodded and smiled as he focused back on his cousin. “Be safe.” Both bowed their heads before Hyunjin slid into his seat, shouting to his son and his husband on the phone, “Yes, Sprite, I got it you two, my god.”

And then they were off.

The air around you was quiet once more, just you and Beomgyu on the street. There was still a Jungkook in the doorway, though.

“He’s a sweet kid,” you said, and Beomgyu looked at you. “Jeonghan is. I only met him once, when he was like eleven.”

He was quiet. Then he shrugged. “Hyunjin’s right though, we don’t know where he came from. His mom’s a little crazy, so is his step dad. Hyunjin isn't too far off the crazy scale either, that runs in the family. Jeonghan, he’s… A lesson for all of us. Might have to do with Felix, he’s a kids therapist, I dunno.” With a shrug of his shoulders he redirects his attention to his brother in the doorway, waiting for the two of you.

Jungkook waves once both of your stares meet him. “I’m sorry,” he called out for his brother to hear. “He was here for me, I don’t know how to handle dad panic.”

Beomgyu shifted on his feet and rolled his eyes. “Me either.”

Jungkook shot him a subtle glare. “Can you guys come back in, you actually like it here, I want it to stay that way.”

Taking Beomgyu by the hand you tugged him toward the house. “Come on,” you said just to him. He resisted your pull, pulling against you. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s in there,” he whispered, giving you a look. “I really don’t know what his problem is. He won’t tell me anything, he just keeps saying that everything is fine. It’s not fine.” Biting on your lip, you nodded, agreeing with him. “What do we do?”

Shrugging, you tried to smile. “If Taehyun says everything is fine, we have to believe him right?” It was his turn to nod, and you started to pull him again, but he held you back. “ What? ”

“I’m worried about you guys,” he said, eyes going wide. “What if he’s, like, doing something else? Getting into something else? And not telling us… Telling you?” The possibility didn’t strike you, ever. Taehyun was open with those things, he’d never hide it from you.

“He wouldn’t, Gyu,” you said with a head shake. “He’s okay, he’s more likely to hide another girl from us than hide the drugs he’s doing.” An attempt to laugh was shared, Beomgyu finally allowing you to tug him toward the house.

Processing what had come out of your mouth, a new fear was unlocked, one you had no idea was even there. Another girl… It could explain the insecurity he’s been experiencing, that he’s been projecting onto you in massive amounts. As you headed into the door, where Taehyun would be waiting for you, inside the house you’d be spending the night at, you couldn’t possibly fight away the fear, the worry that it was true.

Taehyun and another girl, one that he could actually have a life with. One he could marry and do all the things that you dream to do with him. It’d explain why he never expressed anything toward what you had said to him… Another girl, taking your place, holding his hand, kissing his lips, sleeping in his bed…

“Aye!” Beomgyu cried out with a grin, prying your tightening hand off of his with the other. “Watch it, kid, jesus!” Looking down at his hand, it was red from your grip.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry,” you said, hushed, taking it gently in both your hands, kissing the palm. Beomgyu’s smile was wiped away at the feeling of your lips, neither of you realizing what was going on and where it was happening. You had just stepped into Jungkook’s, the door was still open and Taehyun was on the couch behind you, watching the scene ensue.

Beomgyu straightened out and circled around you to plop beside his best friend. Wriggling his fingers, he laughed. “She’s got a grip.”

Taehyun, straight faced, didn’t give in to his contagious smile. “I know,” he said, looking over at you. Leaving you with the choice of where to sit. Beside Taehyun, beside Beomgyu, between them, or alone. Beneath his glare, his sharp, obviously hurt glare, this decision felt like life or death. 

A game you no longer wanted to play.