Work Text:
"It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray"
"You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."
The devastating announcement rings in Amanda's ears as she slumps in a tearful heap on the floor of Olivia's office, trying to wrap her head around this cruel and unexpected turn of events. It is mind-boggling that after going to such extreme lengths to rescue the young woman from further harm, not only was Amanda unable to save Esther from the monstrous clutches of her father, but she is now directly responsible for her death.
In the end, she was the one Esther should have been afraid of.
The walls are suddenly closing in on her with this stark realization as she fights to suck in a mouthful of air, Amanda feeling as breathless as Esther is now, her lungs straining desperately as she staggers to her feet. Her legs are like jelly, barely able to support her weight as she tries not to collapse onto the floor again, yanking the office door open with fingers that are so slippery with sweat she can hardly twist the knob.
Olivia's hand is on her arm, the older woman's panicked voice asking if she's okay and demanding to know where she's going, pleading with her to stay put so they can talk. Amanda barely even spares her a glance as she wobbles toward the bathroom, so unsteady on her feet she might as well be drunk, pointedly ignoring the curious looks and concerned questions of her fellow officers.
The ice cold water that she splashes onto her face in an effort to pull herself together is a shock to her system, Amanda shivering violently as she stares into the mirror at a face she no longer recognizes. When the door opens a moment later, she is unsurprised to see Olivia slip into the room, features pinched with worry and hair in disarray, watching as her boss peers briefly under the stalls before turning the lock for privacy.
Amanda spins away from the sink to pace the room like a caged animal, her breath coming out in quick, ragged pants, her surroundings whirling in a dizzying array of colors as the voices from the squad room drift beneath the door in an explosion of sound, all of her senses magnified to an unbearable degree. There are tiny black dots dancing in the corners of her eyes, the terrifying spots encroaching on the entirety of her field of vision, ever widening and pooling together in a sea of darkness that threatens to blind her, Amanda wondering if she will pass out.
"God, what have I done?" she finally whispers in horror, her voice rusty as if she hasn't spoken for quite some time, stopping short in her strides and staring at Olivia with wild, anguished eyes. "What the hell have I done?"
Amanda doesn't give her a chance to answer as the enormity of her actions come crashing down upon her, continuing on with her rant before the lieutenant can even open her mouth. "I knew I was too deep into this case, but I just couldn't stop. I couldn't pull back. You warned me, like you always do. And I didn't listen, as usual. What the hell is wrong with me, Liv? Why can't I ever just listen?"
"Amanda, I'm not here to blame you-"
She cuts Olivia off again, clenching her fists as her heart rate spikes, and swallowing back the wave of nausea that is rushing up her throat to blanket her tongue in a foul taste. "Well, you should. It's all my fault. If I hadn't stuck my nose where it didn't belong, this wouldn't have happened. Esther would still be alive. This is the worst thing I've ever done. I'm a lot of things, Olivia, but I didn't think I was this." She gestures to herself in stunned disgust, uncertain of how she is ever supposed to come to terms with the horrendous act she has committed. "I didn't think I was a person who took innocent lives."
"Amanda, it was an accident." Olivia looks as stricken as she feels, the other woman standing across from her with puckered brows and pursed lips, and Amanda knows that she can't keep doing this to her superior; can't keep saddling her with a detective who screws up on a regular basis and repeatedly asks for forgiveness instead of permission.
This time Amanda will not be forgiven by Olivia or anyone else, especially herself, and is abruptly aware of what she needs to do now, her decision instantaneous and something she believes is for the best and won't regret. "You should get rid of me, Liv. I'm a liability. I don't deserve to work here anymore. In fact, I don't deserve anything at all."
"Not even compassion?" Olivia asks gently, her alarmed expression softening into tenderness as Amanda sidesteps the arm that reaches out for her, refusing to be comforted.
"Definitely not. You need to fire me." She is adamant with this statement, feeling so strongly about her removal from SVU and a job she thought she would have forever, that it nearly knocks her off her feet.
"Amanda, stop. I'm not firing you." Olivia's voice is just as stern as her own, but Amanda is prepared to stand her ground, a lifetime of stubbornness on her side.
"Then I quit," she snaps impulsively, convinced that she'll end up hurting or killing someone else if she remains on the job, and needing to step back before another victim like Esther is unfortunate enough to cross her path. "I'll have my resignation on your desk immediately."
"You're not quitting," Olivia replies sharply, the tenderness morphing into anger and disbelief as the other woman moves into Amanda's personal space. "I don't accept your resignation."
"Well, you don't really have a choice, do you?" Amanda gives a mirthless laugh and a shrug of her shoulders. "You can't deny me if this is what I choose to do."
"Okay, how about you just stop and take a breath and think things through first?" Olivia's hands are raised in the air in a placating gesture, her voice pleading now. "You're in shock, Amanda. Give yourself some time to process this before making any huge, life-altering decisions."
"Well, I made a huge, life-altering decision for Esther, didn't I?" Amanda murmurs brokenly, her lower lip trembling as she blinks back another round of tears.
"It was an accident," Olivia repeats fiercely and Amanda notices the matching tears in her eyes, the brunette appearing as overcome with emotion as she herself is. "You didn't do this on purpose. You didn't plan this. You were trying to help Esther."
Amanda sways dangerously on her feet as the rows of sinks and stalls momentarily disappear and she is back in that house with Esther's body splayed out in front of her, blood leaking from the gunshot wound to her head and those sightless eyes wide open and staring, as if awaiting a rescue that will never come. A tormented whimper emits from Amanda's lips as she covers her mouth with her hand, gazing in sorrow at the woman who never got a chance to truly live before her life was abruptly snuffed out by the detective who was supposed to be her savior.
"Amanda, let's go back to my office and sit down, okay?" Olivia's tone is urgent and her taller figure is in the way now, blocking the view of the dead woman on the floor. "You look like you're going to pass out."
Amanda shakes her head vigorously as she cranes her neck to keep her gaze fixed resolutely on Esther, determined to bear witness to what she has done. It is the very least she can do right now and vows not to look away from the carnage, no matter how much the sight rips her heart to shreds and destroys what is left of her sanity.
"Then let's sit down right here," Olivia says firmly, her trepidation palpable, and Amanda ducks out of the way of her touch once again. "I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself."
"I'm not going to fall-" she starts to protest, before doing exactly that.
Amanda's knees begin to buckle as her vision continues to darken, and she is aware of Olivia lunging toward her, the strong arms of her lieutenant winding around her quivering body in a frantic effort to hold her up. Trying to keep their balance soon proves futile and they go sprawling onto the tiles together, Amanda landing partly in Olivia's lap and partly on the floor, the air punctuated with grunts and groans. When she feels Olivia's arm hooking beneath her knees in an attempt to lift her shuddering form more fully into her lap, Amanda thrashes wildly in response, long ponytail whipping back and forth and limbs flailing in every direction.
"Let me go!" she shrieks vehemently, unable to recall a time she has felt so out of control, and desperate to break free from the soothing embrace she craves but is not even remotely worthy of. "Just leave me alone, Liv! I told you I don't deserve this!"
"Amanda, stop with this behavior right now! Just calm down, honey. You're going to hurt yourself. And you deserve comfort just as much as anyone else."
Amanda continues with her furious struggle for a moment, knowing Olivia won't hold her here against her will, but just as she feels the other woman's grip begin to slacken, she goes limp with despair in Olivia's arms. She realizes she has started crying again, the soft weeping swiftly turning into loud, gut-wrenching sobs as she sags against her boss, feeling Olivia scrambling to tighten her grasp on her weakening body and keep them both upright.
"I hate myself," Amanda moans in agony as she squeezes her eyes shut to banish the image of Esther's lifeless face, no longer wanting to see her but the younger woman refusing to dissipate, so stark in her mind that Esther might as well be laying on the floor right next to them.
"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry this happened." Olivia's voice is hushed and strained, her frame shaking slightly as the lieutenant appears to be wrestling with her own emotions. "I'm here for you, okay? You're not alone in this, Amanda, even if you think you deserve to be. I've got you, honey. Just keep holding onto me."
Amanda is rapidly succumbing to the particular brand of comfort that only Olivia can provide, admitting how good it feels to have those secure arms cradling her jittery body and Olivia's tender attention focused solely on her. She has yearned for this type of encounter more times than she can count since joining the squad several years earlier, Olivia's physical affection generally not extending to Amanda as often as it does to others.
But there has been a softening between them over the last while, a closeness that didn't previously exist, and the fondness that Olivia seems to have for her now, along with the kindness and care that comes more easily than it had in the past, would have made this situation feel right if it were under any other circumstances. The simmering knowledge of her appalling transgression continues to grow stronger, however, Amanda more aware than ever that the comfort is unjustified and insistent on denying herself something that she shouldn't be allowed to receive.
Amanda hears a startled gasp as she clumsily untangles her arms and legs from Olivia's limbs, launching her body out of her lap without a word of warning and blinded by tears as she crawls across the floor in an undignified manner. Somewhere in the back of her mind, buried underneath the anguished chaos, she knows she is acting ridiculously childish and that her conduct must appear utterly bizarre to Olivia, but she just can't let herself be treated with such gentleness and understanding after what she has done.
In her haste to escape, Amanda slips and smacks her elbow hard onto one of the scuffed tiles, wincing in pain as she feels Olivia grab onto her from behind, the older woman bracing her shaking body in a firm grip before she can fall again. Amanda rises from her crouched position and teeters on her knees with Olivia still attached to her smaller form, her back pressed into the brunette's chest as Olivia's arms clutch her tightly around the waist, her hands clasped at her midsection.
"Just slow down," the lieutenant commands softly into her ear, their cheeks brushing together as Olivia's chin perches on her shoulder. "I'll back off and give you some space if you really want me to, but please stop trying to get away from me. You're really out of control, Amanda, and I don't think you should be alone right now. And you're going to injure yourself again if you don't calm down. That must have hurt."
"It did," Amanda confirms with satisfaction, the throbbing in her elbow worsening as she puts a halt to her dramatic exit and Olivia continues to spoon her in their upright position. "But it's not even close to what I deserve."
"And what is it that you think you deserve?" Olivia asks quietly, the other woman's warm breath on her neck inducing a shiver that runs the length of her spine. "You don't deserve any kind of comfort, apparently. And you don't deserve to keep working here. You don't deserve compassion." Olivia's voice breaks slightly, like it distresses her to say the words. "So what do you deserve?"
Amanda doesn't answer for a moment, turning the question over in her mind as she feels Olivia lace their fingers together against her stomach and give the digits a gentle squeeze. Her shoulders slump in exhaustion and her head hangs low as the tears drip onto her shirt, lecturing herself to pull away but unable to follow through.
This case has been the craziest one of her career and it suddenly hits her just how depleted she is in both body and soul, how physically and emotionally wrung out she feels, and how much she needs Olivia, whether she wants to admit it or not. Amanda whirls around in the brunette's embrace and buries her face into Olivia's neck as she stifles a sob, her tears wetting the other woman's skin as she clenches her boss around the ribs in a desperate hug.
"I don't know," she murmurs sadly, goosebumps erupting on her arms when Olivia's fingers begin gliding soothingly through her ponytail. "Maybe I deserve the same outcome as Esther. An eye for an eye. It's only fair, right?"
"Wrong," Olivia states bluntly, giving her a slight shake in response. "That is the last thing you deserve, Amanda. You did everything you could to save Esther and sometimes these cases just go horribly wrong, despite our best intentions."
Amanda feels herself being drawn slightly away so they are looking closely at each other, blue eyes and brown locking onto one another, and is astonished to see the depth of emotion residing in Olivia's expression. "I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, okay? Whenever you need me, I'll be here for you. But we need to get you some help, honey. I appreciate your honesty, but it scares me to hear you talk that way."
Amanda's first inclination is to argue, wanting to explain that she is just ranting and raving and not entirely coherent in the aftermath of such a preventable tragedy, and therapy is not only unnecessary but too early to even consider just yet. But the fatigue is so all-encompassing, smothering her like a heavy blanket, and she doesn't have the energy to put up a fight, figuring she can go along with Olivia's plans for now and and object to them later if she still disagrees at that point.
She merely shrugs in reply, glancing away from that intent gaze and trying to keep from melting into a puddle of tears and misery on the floor.
"Can I tell you what I think you deserve?" Olivia questions softly, Amanda nodding tentatively and meeting her lieutenant's eyes again when she feels a gentle hand on her cheek and the pad of a thumb swiping her tears away.
"Okay," she whispers uncertainly, the corner of her mouth lifting in the hint of a smile and a tendril of hope unfurling in the darkness as she listens to the other woman's answer.
"I think you deserve empathy and grace and love, Amanda." There is a pause, Olivia's voice choked with emotion when she continues speaking. "And most of all, I think you deserve forgiveness."