Chapter Text
Phil doesn't wear sneakers or a sweater vest in a friendly pattern. His uniform is a dark grey three-piece suit, complete with neatly knotted tie. Everything about him is upright and correct and monochrome. The look is as carefully arrived at as everything else about the show, the perfect clothing for Mr. Coulson, cosmic straight man in a world of unparalleled absurdity. In addition to the children it's intended for, 'Mr. Coulson's Technicolor Dreamhouse' has a significant fan base on college campuses across the nation. The word 'surreal' comes up in any in-depth critique of the show, with its excursions to the Negative Zone and Fairytale Land and the definitely steampunk Republic of Undersea. The various puppets are exquisitely crafted and wonderfully strange, given life and voice by a tight-knit and talented team, and the content is eclectic, tending toward the educational and the bizarre.
Today Phil is in the Negative Zone, comforting Fuzzy the Friendly Spider. Fuzzy is quite understandably upset by how much fear and hatred he and his brethren can inspire, when they perform vital pest control services and don't generally hurt anyone. In the interests of truth he has to admit that they bite when scared, but that everybody gets scared sometimes and it's instinctive to defend yourself. Natasha is stretched out flat on her belly, face an expressionless mask of concentration as she controls all eight legs. Steve is providing the voice and remotely controlling the eyes, crouched just out of sight. The Negative Zone bits are easy to shoot, just the simple backdrop of black sky and white ground, Phil looking like a part of it, his eyes and the spider's red synthetic fur a shock of color.
They get most of the bit before Fuzzy's eyes glitch up again. The remote has one of the most insistent cases of the gremlins Phil has ever seen, and he sighs. " Cut!"
"Cut, boss."
Phil blinks, because that's not Joe's voice. "Uh, good. Have we met?"
He chuckles, back there behind the lights and invisible. "I've been up here all day, Mr. Coulson."
"I thought someone told you we'd found a replacement." Steve stands and stretches as Natasha gracefully peels herself off the floor.
"Maybe it was pre-coffee," Phil murmurs, rolling his neck. "Might as well break for lunch," he calls up to the voice in the rigging, "it'll take Tony at least half an hour to get the remote fixed."
"Aye-aye, cap'n." There's an insolent lilt to the voice that Phil decides he likes, and the sheer animal grace of the man as he swings down from his perch can only mean trouble. When he manages to tear his gaze away, Natasha is smirking at him. He blushes to be so transparent, and leaps up and flees to the green room. Since they're not shooting anything with actual children in it today, there's nothing in the green room but snacks. Water and peanut M&Ms secured, he does his best to fade into a corner as some of the others file in. Steve is in the workshop putting up with it as Tony swears and throws things again because there is no goddamn physical reason for that remote to break as often as it does. Natasha sometimes goes to offer moral support, but today she's talking to their new cameraman, who is… well. Phil isn't given to instant lust, but this guy just brings it out in him. He's the kind of guy Phil went for in his younger days, before he wised up and realized that while bad boys make better lovers it's not worth the trouble. Not that he needs to worry about this one. He's not gonna look twice at a little old man like Phil even if he is gay, and that's just fine.
"Actually, I'm a huge fan from way back," he's telling Natasha, showing a broken tooth in his smile. "I watched this show when it was still on public access."
"That has been a while." She grins. "Who's your favorite puppet?"
"…Well, my very favorite was Angry Sock—" He grins to be interrupted by Phil's laughter.
"I'll have to tell Nick that someone remembers his performance." He holds out a hand. "Phil Coulson. Obviously." He feels like an idiot, but his new crewmember just grins from ear to ear and shakes his hand.
"Clint Barton. Real happy to be here."