Chapter Text
I didn’t want to panic the other boys.
I didn’t want to panic the other boys with something I could fix myself. I cursed silently to myself grabbing my wallet and keys. I knew the fairy tale ending could only last so long. Now Ashton had gone missing. Damnit
Or he had gone for a run, my brain supplied, no, I reasoned back. His sneakers are in the hallway next to Cal’s. I walk out the door try to quietly start the car. All the cars are accounted for so he shouldn’t be that far. I curse at myself again, I knew I shouldn’t have left him alone last night. I hate to think about him walking around in the heat thats starting to climb.
Last night was a mess.
I like to blame last night on the January heat. The day had started off good with the five of us going our separate ways. I had gone to the hole in the wall that was soon to be my own restaurant, Leaving Luke and Calum at the recording company. Michael had gone to visit his parents and take care of moving back to Sydney from Melbourne. Leaving Ashton to his own devices.
He had said he was good at breakfast. There was my first warning. That he was planning on going to the gym then meet up with Luke and Calum. I sigh, turning into the neighborhood across the beach house. We had all somehow managed to move in there in the past eight months. I drove slowly, stopping at each park and splash pad, calling his name. I don’t know how the rest of morning had gone, but when I came back for lunch him and Luke were arguing.
“Luke really? Just take Calum's suggestion,” Ashton had been saying, looking not all that into the conversation. “After the tour we should take another break. Look what happened the last time.”
“But Ash, we’re just making a comeback to take another break after just a year isn’t profitable,” Luke had said roughly, sitting down across from him.
“Like Calum said it would be a break where we could write on our own time, still do appearances and shit. Just not be touring or putting out another album for a year or two,” Ashton said fidgeting with his sleeves, a sign his doctor had told me meant he was getting too anxious.
“Guys, I’m back for lunch,” I said stepping into the kitchen. “Whats going on?”
“Nothing,” Ashton had muttered brushing past me, taking a protein bar with him. “Luke just wants to work us all to death again.” The laugh that followed sent shivers down my spine. I gave Luke a look, backtracking to Ashton’s room.
“Ash?” I knocked lightly on the door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
Walking in I found him sitting on the window sill, eating his protein bar. A bottle of water on the nightstand. “I’m fine Jessie, it’s just a down day and Luke is trying me.” I wrapped my arms around him, kissing the top of his head.
“You’ve had a bad day for the past two days now, I’m worried.” I had muttered. “I’ll let Luke know to knock it off.” Ashton had just nodded, relaxing into me. He still carried so much weight on his shoulders, despite being almost two years clean. I wondered if with Michael’s and his mom’s help I could get him to talk to a therapist.
I had stayed until he finished the bar before walking away, leaving the door open. Unfortunately we were all busy nowadays. We had different work schedules that kept us busy, even when our off time did overlap with one another, we typically didn’t see everyone together until dinner which was usually at eight. Our work schedules were so different; Luke and Calum were handling the business part of the band, Michael the music and media part, Ashton the merchandise part. As a whole they had the band, with the new tour and album. Me, I had my first restaurant opening in three months and that was enough work to keep me away for most of the day. Plus planning a wedding on the side.
I had caught Luke walking out the door, carrying a lettuce wrap and soda. “I want you to get him to eat something other than protein bars Luke. This is the third day he’d done that.” My fiancee had the good decency to look ashamed.
“Okay. I’ll be back here in two hours. I’ll try and make him eat that Mexican dish you made last night.” He said planting a kiss on my cheek.
*
I turn into the shopping centers outside the suburbs, still driving slow and pissing off others. I give up on the driving and park in front of a grocery store, deciding to take my search on foot. It was five am, why was there so much traffic on a Saturday? All the stores were closed anyways.
I look back on dinner last night, all the little pieces clicking into place. Calum and Luke had come back irritated. Snapping at each other, I had been on the deck phoning in Jade about letting her visit for spring break. The fifteen year old was demanding that a visit was long over due. Michael wasn’t back yet and I could guess Karen was making him eat dinner there.
“Luke damnit move. Shouldn’t you and Jessie be house hunting by now?” Calum had said moving a stack of papers to the living room. I sighed and got off the phone, knowing I would have to fix things tonight.
“Calum why don’t you move? You have to whole living room to look over those contracts. The counters are for cooking,” Luke quipped taking out random vegetables and a package of steaks. "Shouldn't you and Michael be looking for a house too?"
“The lighting is better,” Calum mumbled. "And we are, we need to sell the other one first."
“Jesus, you two, I want quiet for one hour,” I said kissing Luke on the cheek. “Did you get Ashton to eat?”
Luke’s face paled. “Shit Jessie, I never came back I got holed up in meetings.”
“See, you're marrying that forgetful idiot,” Calum deadpanned, pointing at Luke. I shot Calum a glare, heating up leftovers. I'll deal with their bickering later.
“Ash, let me in,” I kicked the door as gently as I could, balancing a plate of food in one hand a glass of tea in the other.
Ashton opened the door, shirtless and in basketball shorts. His face was blank. “They’re fighting again aren’t they?”
“No. Not really, there’s no heat behind the words,” I said setting the food down on his desk. “I do need you to eat Ash, protein bars aren’t going to cut it.”
“Fine.” I sit and watch him eat until I get too squirmy and start cleaning his room. I pick up the dirty clothes and toss them into his hamper, then pick up the empty water bottles littering the floor. I’ll get the glasses and cups when I bring his plate down.
“Have you taken your meds Ashton?” The thought occurs to me when I see the empty bottle of anxiety pills he takes along with anti-depressants. “And tell me the truth.”
“No, I haven’t had a chance to get the prescriptions re-filled,” Ashton says quietly, shoveling in some more food. “I’m good though.”
“What the hell Ash? You know you need those!” I pace the room, gathering up dirty plates and glasses. I grab the empty pill bottles too, I have some calls to make. I walk out the room and bee-line to the kitchen.
Michael’s back, helping Calum go over the contracts. It’s the smell of burning food that makes me drop my immediate actions, opting instead to help Luke cook dinner before we end up having to order pizza. Or call the fire department. I really needed to teach him how to cook better.
*
I check the few fast food restaurants that are open, having no luck in finding him. I ask a cashier at McDonalds if she has seen Ashton, but she shakes her head giving me a sad smile, I could guess she has figured out why I’m looking for him.
I start checking the alleyways, getting more frustrated by the minute. This was going nowhere. I think back to the moments before I went to bed, the conversation I had had with Luke.
“You guys need to sit down and have a talk with Ash,” I had said quietly, Ashton's room was next to ours and I knew he wasn’t asleep yet. I shrugged off my jeans slipping on my pajama bottoms. “He need your guys’ support, I can’t take the brunt of it. He needs his best friends.”
“I know Jess, we’ve just been so busy its insane,” Luke had whispered throwing his shirt into the corner of the room.
“He ran out of pills. I meant to call them in but you were trying to burn the house down again,” I muttered slipping under the covers.
“What?” Luke asked sounding genuinely shocked.
“Yeah, He needs them by tomorrow or things are going to get worse. So you three boys need to have a talk with him on letting us know about his well being. About letting you three know, I can’t play therapist, housekeeper, business owner, and wedding planner on my own.”
“I know, I know, we’ll talk to him tomorrow,” Luke muttered against my ear, pressing a kiss to my cheek.
*
Now here I was searching for my friend. I pass by one alley when a crash startles me. I look back in and turn on the flashlight on my phone. “Ashton?”
“You’ve found me, yay!” Ash slurs, slumped against a trash bin.
“Ashton!” I rush towards him, stepping on one of the wine bottles I think Feldy had given the boys. Expensive wine. “Are you okay?”
“Perfect Jess, baby,” Ashton coos, trying to stand. I let him lean on me trying to stay upright myself. He was way to drunk for the morning.
“Just leave me here, its where I belong anyways,” He laughs cynically, making my heartbreak. "No one would give a shit."
“Jess here let me help,” I hear Calum’s voice say on my right and move slightly, letting the bassist take Ashton from me.
"Damn you Cal," Ashton whispers, trying to sit back down. Calum just hoists the blonde up higher.
“How’d…” I start.
“Morning runs remember? I saw your car missing and Ashton’s window was open so I figured something had happened,” Calum shrugs, gripping Ashton by the waist tighter. “I was right.”
We make our way to our cars, settling Ashton in the back seat of mine. “What actually happened Jess?”
I sigh raking a hand through my locks, “Well he hasn’t been eating for the past three days, which I think is about the same time he ran out of his pills –“
“Wait he ran out?” Calum says, eyebrows raised. “He’s usually on top of that.”
“Because I remind him , but we’ve all been on work overload,” I say frustrated. I take out his pharmacy booklet from my wallet, handing it to Calum. “Can you fill it right now? They open at seven,” I check my phone, it was six thirty.
“Damnit Jessie you know you’re not alone in this, hit us over the head and tell us to pay attention,” Calum say bringing me into a hug. “I know you still feel responsible for what happened and want to fix it yourself but you can’t, let us help too.” His voice catches, I feel guilty immediately. I needed to stop trying to take care of Ashton on my own and start getting the other boys involved too. Maybe that’s why I had gotten on Luke’s case last night.
“Okay, I’ll take him home get him cleaned up,” I say wiping a stray tear. “Get him some of his favorite candy or sweets. I’ll get Mikey and Luke to make pancakes.”
“Can they handle that?” Calum laughs.
“Yeah I think they can.” I laugh and get in my car. I look at Ashton who meets my eyes in the mirror. He’s startling sober already.
“I messed up again didn’t I?”
“We all mess up Ash,” I murmur. “Its okay, lets get you home and cleaned up.”
“Bry will never marry me like this,” he spits out. It makes my heart ache.
“Bryana loves you Ashton, don’t talk like that,” I say driving back home. “She truly cares for you. If she didn’t none of us would’ve let her stay with you.” Ashton just sighs and leans against the window.
*
Three hours later Ashton is showered, fed, and finally taking his pills again. I let the boys chew at him while I clean up the mess Michael and Luke left in the kitchen. Ashton already knew what I felt towards him.
“You scared us Ash!”
“Please don’t do that again,” I hear Michael exclaim. “Come to us when you think something is going even the slightest bit wrong.”
“We need you here,” Luke’s voice breaks. “You keep the band together. I don’t know what… I—“ I put the pan I’m washing down and walk over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, I can just make out the tears on his cheeks. He really does feel horrible.
“Ashton we all love you,” I begin. “We hurt when we see you hurt, it scares us. Promise us that you’ll come to one of us for anything, even if its something silly.”
“Like if you can’t find a guitar pick or drum stick,” Calum says, going over to Ashton and clinging to him. Michael follows suit, wrapping his arms around Ashton’s middle. He gives out a laugh, a happy pure laugh. I give Luke a nudge and we’re both following, creating a group hug. I can feel Ashton wrap an arm around me giving my shoulders a squeeze.
“Thank you, you guys,” Ashton gets out. “For everything. I promise to start letting you guys in more.”
“That’s all we ask,” Luke says quietly nudging Ashton with his nose, getting another laugh from the blonde.
Crisis diverted.